Youhavebeenblownupbyapatentgaslamp——"
Hesaid："Ireallythink，youknow，thatwasmyfault；IthinkI
musthavescrewedituptootight。"
Isaid："Iamquitewillingtobelievethatiftherewasawrongwayofhandlingthethingthatisthewayyouhandleit。Youshouldtakethattendencyofyoursintoconsideration；itbearsupontheargument。Myself，Ididnotnoticewhatyoudid；IonlyknowwewereridingpeacefullyandpleasantlyalongtheWhitbyRoad，discussingtheThirtyYears’War，whenyourlampwentofflikeapistol—shot。Thestartsentmeintotheditch；andyourwife’sface，whenItoldhertherewasnothingthematterandthatshewasnottoworry，becausethetwomenwouldcarryyouupstairs，andthedoctorwouldberoundinaminutebringingthenursewithhim，stilllingersinmymemory。"
Hesaid："Iwishyouhadthoughttopickupthelamp。Ishouldliketohavefoundoutwhatwasthecauseofitsgoingofflikethat。"
Isaid："Therewasnottimetopickupthelamp。Icalculateitwouldhavetakentwohourstohavecollectedit。Astoits’goingoff，’themerefactofitsbeingadvertisedasthesafestlampeverinventedwouldofitself，toanyonebutyou，havesuggestedaccident。Thentherewasthatelectriclamp，"Icontinued。
"Well，thatreallydidgiveafinelight，"hereplied；"yousaidsoyourself。"
Isaid："ItgaveabrilliantlightintheKing’sRoad，Brighton，andfrightenedahorse。ThemomentwegotintothedarkbeyondKempTownitwentout，andyouweresummonedforridingwithoutalight。Youmayrememberthatonsunnyafternoonsyouusedtorideaboutwiththatlampshiningforallitwasworth。Whenlighting—
uptimecameitwasnaturallytired，andwantedarest。"
"Itwasabitirritating，thatlamp，"hemurmured；"Irememberit。"
Isaid："Itirritatedme；itmusthavebeenworseforyou。Thentherearesaddles，"Iwenton——Iwishedtogetthislessonhometohim。"CanyouthinkofanysaddleeveradvertisedthatyouhaveNOTtried？"
Hesaid："Ithasbeenanideaofminethattherightsaddleistobefound。"
Isaid："Yougiveupthatidea；thisisanimperfectworldofjoyandsorrowmingled。Theremaybeabetterlandwherebicyclesaddlesaremadeoutofrainbow，stuffedwithcloud；inthisworldthesimplestthingistogetusedtosomethinghard。TherewasthatsaddleyouboughtinBirmingham；itwasdividedinthemiddle，andlookedlikeapairofkidneys。"
Hesaid："Youmeanthatoneconstructedonanatomicalprinciples。"
"Verylikely，"Ireplied。"Theboxyouboughtitinhadapictureonthecover，representingasittingskeleton——orratherthatpartofaskeletonwhichdoessit。"
Hesaid："Itwasquitecorrect；itshowedyouthetruepositionofthe——"
Isaid："Wewillnotgointodetails；thepicturealwaysseemedtomeindelicate。"
Hesaid："Medicallyspeaking，itwasright。"
"Possibly，"Isaid，"foramanwhorodeinnothingbuthisbones。
IonlyknowthatItrieditmyself，andthattoamanwhoworefleshitwasagony。Everytimeyouwentoverastoneorarutitnippedyou；itwaslikeridingonanirritablelobster。Yourodethatforamonth。"
"Ithoughtitonlyrighttogiveitafairtrial，"heanswered。
Isaid："Yougaveyourfamilyafairtrialalso；ifyouwillallowmetheuseofslang。Yourwifetoldmethatneverinthewholecourseofyourmarriedlifehadsheknownyousobadtempered，soun—Christianlike，asyouwerethatmonth。Thenyourememberthatothersaddle，theonewiththespringunderit。"
Hesaid："Youmean’theSpiral。’"
Isaid："ImeantheonethatjerkedyouupanddownlikeaJack—
in—the—box；sometimesyoucamedownagainintherightplace，andsometimesyoudidn’t。Iamnotreferringtothesemattersmerelytorecallpainfulmemories，butIwanttoimpressyouwiththefollyoftryingexperimentsatyourtimeoflife。"
Hesaid。"Iwishyouwouldn’tharpsomuchonmyage。Amanatthirty—four——"
"Amanatwhat？"
Hesaid："Ifyoudon’twantthething，don’thaveit。Ifyourmachinerunsawaywithyoudownamountain，andyouandGeorgegetflungthroughachurchroof，don’tblameme。"
"IcannotpromiseforGeorge，"Isaid；"alittlethingwillsometimesirritatehim，asyouknow。Ifsuchanaccidentasyousuggesthappen，hemaybecross，butIwillundertaketoexplaintohimthatitwasnotyourfault。"
"Isthethingallright？"heasked。
"Thetandem，"Ireplied，"iswell。"
Hesaid："Haveyouoverhauledit？"
Isaid："Ihavenot，norisanyoneelsegoingtooverhaulit。Thethingisnowinworkingorder，anditisgoingtoremaininworkingordertillwestart。"
Ihavehadexperienceofthis"overhauling。"TherewasamanatFolkestone；IusedtomeethimontheLees。Heproposedoneeveningweshouldgoforalongbicycleridetogetheronthefollowingday，andIagreed。Igotupearly，forme；Imadeaneffort，andwaspleasedwithmyself。Hecamehalfanhourlate：I
waswaitingforhiminthegarden。Itwasalovelyday。Hesaid：—
"That’sagood—lookingmachineofyours。Howdoesitrun？"
"Oh，likemostofthem！"Ianswered；"easilyenoughinthemorning；
goesalittlestifflyafterlunch。"
Hecaughtholdofitbythefrontwheelandtheforkandshookitviolently。
Isaid："Don’tdothat；you’llhurtit。"
Ididnotseewhyheshouldshakeit；ithadnotdoneanythingtohim。Besides，ifitwantedshaking，Iwastheproperpersontoshakeit。IfeltmuchasIshouldhadhestartedwhackingmydog。
Hesaid："Thisfrontwheelwobbles。"
Isaid："Itdoesn’tifyoudon’twobbleit。"Itdidn’twobble，asamatteroffact——nothingworthcallingawobble。
Hesaid："Thisisdangerous；haveyougotascrew—hammer？"
Ioughttohavebeenfirm，butIthoughtthatperhapshereallydidknowsomethingaboutthebusiness。IwenttothetoolshedtoseewhatIcouldfind。WhenIcamebackhewassittingonthegroundwiththefrontwheelbetweenhislegs。Hewasplayingwithit，twiddlingitroundbetweenhisfingers；theremnantofthemachinewaslyingonthegravelpathbesidehim。
Hesaid："Somethinghashappenedtothisfrontwheelofyours。"
"Itlookslikeit，doesn’tit？"Ianswered。Buthewasthesortofmanthatneverunderstandssatire。
Hesaid："Itlookstomeasifthebearingswereallwrong。"
Isaid："Don’tyoutroubleaboutitanymore；youwillmakeyourselftired。Letusputitbackandgetoff。"
Hesaid："Wemayaswellseewhatisthematterwithit，nowitisout。"Hetalkedasthoughithaddroppedoutbyaccident。
BeforeIcouldstophimhehadunscrewedsomethingsomewhere，andoutrolledalloverthepathsomedozenorsolittleballs。
"Catch’em！"heshouted；"catch’em！Wemustn’tloseanyofthem。"
Hewasquiteexcitedaboutthem。
Wegrovelledroundforhalfanhour，andfoundsixteen。Hesaidhehopedwehadgotthemall，because，ifnot，itwouldmakeaseriousdifferencetothemachine。Hesaidtherewasnothingyoushouldbemorecarefulaboutintakingabicycletopiecesthanseeingyoudidnotloseanyoftheballs。Heexplainedthatyououghttocountthemasyoutookthemout，andseethatexactlythesamenumberwentbackineachplace。Ipromised，ifeverItookabicycletopiecesIwouldrememberhisadvice。
Iputtheballsforsafetyinmyhat，andIputmyhatuponthedoorstep。Itwasnotasensiblethingtodo，Iadmit。Asamatteroffact，itwasasillythingtodo。Iamnotasaruleaddle—
headed；hisinfluencemusthaveaffectedme。
Hethensaidthatwhilehewasaboutithewouldseetothechainforme，andatoncebegantakingoffthegear—case。Ididtrytopersuadehimfromthat。Itoldhimwhatanexperiencedfriendofmineoncesaidtomesolemnly：—
"Ifanythinggoeswrongwithyourgear—case，sellthemachineandbuyanewone；itcomescheaper。"
Hesaid："Peopletalklikethatwhounderstandnothingaboutmachines。Nothingiseasierthantakingoffagear—case。"
Ihadtoconfesshewasright。Inlessthanfiveminuteshehadthegear—caseintwopieces，lyingonthepath，andwasgrovellingforscrews。Hesaiditwasalwaysamysterytohimthewayscrewsdisappeared。
WewerestilllookingforthescrewswhenEthelberthacameout。
Sheseemedsurprisedtofindusthere；shesaidshethoughtwehadstartedhoursago。
Hesaid："Weshan’tbelongnow。I’mjusthelpingyourhusbandtooverhaulthismachineofhis。It’sagoodmachine；buttheyallwantgoingoveroccasionally。"
Ethelberthasaid："Ifyouwanttowashyourselveswhenyouhavedoneyoumightgointothebackkitchen，ifyoudon’tmind；thegirlshavejustfinishedthebedrooms。"
ShetoldmethatifshemetKatetheywouldprobablygoforasail；
butthatinanycaseshewouldbebacktolunch。Iwouldhavegivenasovereigntobegoingwithher。Iwasgettingheartilysickofstandingaboutwatchingthisfoolbreakingupmybicycle。
Commonsensecontinuedtowhispertome："Stophim，beforehedoesanymoremischief。Youhavearighttoprotectyourownpropertyfromtheravagesofalunatic。Takehimbythescruffoftheneck，andkickhimoutofthegate！"
ButIamweakwhenitcomestohurtingotherpeople’sfeelings，andIlethimmuddleon。
Hegaveuplookingfortherestofthescrews。Hesaidscrewshadaknackofturningupwhenyouleastexpectedthem；andthatnowhewouldseetothechain。Hetightenedittillitwouldnotmove；
nextheloosenedituntilitwastwiceaslooseasitwasbefore。
Thenhesaidwehadbetterthinkaboutgettingthefrontwheelbackintoitsplaceagain。
Iheldtheforkopen，andheworriedwiththewheel。AttheendoftenminutesIsuggestedheshouldholdtheforks，andthatIshouldhandlethewheel；andwechangedplaces。Attheendofhisfirstminutehedroppedthemachine，andtookashortwalkroundthecroquetlawn，withhishandspressedtogetherbetweenhisthighs。
Heexplainedashewalkedthatthethingtobecarefulaboutwastoavoidgettingyourfingerspinchedbetweentheforksandthespokesofthewheel。IrepliedIwasconvinced，frommyownexperience，thattherewasmuchtruthinwhathesaid。Hewrappedhimselfupinacoupleofdusters，andwecommencedagain。Atlengthwedidgetthethingintoposition；andthemomentitwasinpositionheburstoutlaughing。
Isaid："What’sthejoke？"
Hesaid："Well，Iamanass！"
Itwasthefirstthinghehadsaidthatmademerespecthim。I
askedhimwhathadledhimtothediscovery。
Hesaid："We’veforgottentheballs！"
Ilookedformyhat；itwaslyingtopsy—turvyinthemiddleofthepath，andEthelbertha’sfavouritehoundwasswallowingtheballsasfastashecouldpickthemup。
"Hewillkillhimself，"saidEbbson——Ihavenevermethimsincethatday，thanktheLord；butIthinkhisnamewasEbbson——"theyaresolidsteel。"
Isaid："Iamnottroublingaboutthedog。Hehashadabootlaceandapacketofneedlesalreadythisweek。Nature’sthebestguide；puppiesseemtorequirethiskindofstimulant。WhatIamthinkingaboutismybicycle。"
Hewasofacheerfuldisposition。Hesaid："Well，wemustputbackallwecanfind，andtrusttoProvidence。"
Wefoundeleven。Wefixedsixononesideandfiveontheother，andhalfanhourlaterthewheelwasinitsplaceagain。Itneedhardlybeaddedthatitreallydidwobblenow；achildmighthavenoticedit。Ebbsonsaiditwoulddoforthepresent。Heappearedtobegettingabittiredhimself。IfIhadlethim，hewould，I
believe，atthispointhavegonehome。Iwasdeterminednow，however，thatheshouldstopandfinish；Ihadabandonedallthoughtsofaride。Myprideinthemachinehehadkilled。Myonlyinterestlaynowinseeinghimscratchandbumpandpinchhimself。Irevivedhisdroopingspiritswithaglassofbeerandsomejudiciouspraise。Isaid：
"Watchingyoudothisisofrealusetome。Itisnotonlyyourskillanddexteritythatfascinatesme，itisyourcheeryconfidenceinyourself，yourinexplicablehopefulness，thatdoesmegood。"
Thusencouraged，hesettoworktorefixthegear—case。Hestoodthebicycleagainstthehouse，andworkedfromtheoffside。Thenhestooditagainstatree，andworkedfromthenearside。ThenI
helditforhim，whilehelayonthegroundwithhisheadbetweenthewheels，andworkedatitfrombelow，anddroppedoiluponhimself。Thenhetookitawayfromme，anddoubledhimselfacrossitlikeapack—saddle，tillhelosthisbalanceandslidoverontohishead。Threetimeshesaid：
"ThankHeaven，that’srightatlast！"
Andtwicehesaid：
"No，I’mdamnedifitisafterall！"
WhathesaidthethirdtimeItrytoforget。
Thenhelosthistemperandtriedbullyingthething。Thebicycle，Iwasgladtosee，showedspirit；andthesubsequentproceedingsdegeneratedintolittleelsethanarough—and—tumblefightbetweenhimandthemachine。Onemomentthebicyclewouldbeonthegravelpath，andheontopofit；thenext，thepositionwouldbereversed——heonthegravelpath，thebicycleonhim。Nowhewouldbestandingflushedwithvictory，thebicyclefirmlyfixedbetweenhislegs。Buthistriumphwouldbeshort—lived。Byasudden，quickmovementitwouldfreeitself，and，turninguponhim，hithimsharplyovertheheadwithoneofitshandles。
Ataquartertoone，dirtyanddishevelled，cutandbreeding，hesaid："Ithinkthatwilldo；"androseandwipedhisbrow。
Thebicyclelookedasifitalsohadhadenoughofit。Whichhadreceivedmostpunishmentitwouldhavebeendifficulttosay。I
tookhimintothebackkitchen，where，sofaraswaspossiblewithoutsodaandpropertools，hecleanedhimself，andsenthimhome。
ThebicycleIputintoacabandtookroundtothenearestrepairingshop。Theforemanoftheworkscameupandlookedatit。
"Whatdoyouwantmetodowiththat？"saidhe。
"Iwantyou，"Isaid，"sofarasispossible，torestoreit。"
"It’sabitfargone，"saidhe；"butI’lldomybest。"
Hedidhisbest，whichcametotwopoundsten。Butitwasneverthesamemachineagain；andattheendoftheseasonIleftitinanagent’shandstosell。Iwishedtodeceivenobody；Iinstructedthemantoadvertiseitasalastyear’smachine。Theagentadvisedmenottomentionanydate。Hesaid：
"Inthisbusinessitisn’taquestionofwhatistrueandwhatisn’t；it’saquestionofwhatyoucangetpeopletobelieve。Now，betweenyouandme，itdon’tlooklikealastyear’smachine；sofaraslooksareconcerned，itmightbeaten—yearold。We’llsaynothingaboutdate；we’lljustgetwhatwecan。"
Ileftthemattertohim，andhegotmefivepounds，whichhesaidwasmorethanhehadexpected。
Therearetwowaysyoucangetexerciseoutofabicycle：youcan"overhaul"it，oryoucanrideit。Onthewhole，Iamnotsurethatamanwhotakeshispleasureoverhaulingdoesnothavethebestofthebargain。Heisindependentoftheweatherandthewind；thestateoftheroadstroubleshimnot。Givehimascrew—
hammer，abundleofrags，anoil—can，andsomethingtositdownupon，andheishappyfortheday。Hehastoputupwithcertaindisadvantages，ofcourse；thereisnojoywithoutalloy。Hehimselfalwayslookslikeatinker，andhismachinealwayssuggeststheideathat，havingstolenit，hehastriedtodisguiseit；butasherarelygetsbeyondthefirstmilestonewithit，this，perhaps，doesnotmuchmatter。Themistakesomepeoplemakeisinthinkingtheycangetbothformsofsportoutofthesamemachine。
Thisisimpossible；nomachinewillstandthedoublestrain。Youmustmakeupyourmindwhetheryouaregoingtobean"overhauler"
orarider。Personally，Iprefertoride，thereforeItakecaretohavenearmenothingthatcantemptmetooverhaul。WhenanythinghappenstomymachineIwheelittothenearestrepairingshop。IfIamtoofarfromthetownorvillagetowalk，Isitbytheroadsideandwaittillacartcomesalong。Mychiefdanger，I
alwaysfind，isfromthewanderingoverhauler。Thesightofabroken—downmachineistotheoverhaulerasawaysidecorpsetoacrow；heswoopsdownuponitwithafriendlyyelloftriumph。AtfirstIusedtotrypoliteness。Iwouldsay：
"Itisnothing；don’tyoutrouble。Yourideon，andenjoyyourself，Ibegitofyouasafavour；pleasegoaway。"
Experiencehastaughtme，however，thatcourtesyisofnouseinsuchanextremity。NowIsay：
"Yougoawayandleavethethingalone，orIwillknockyoursillyheadoff。"
Andifyoulookdetermined，andhaveagoodstoutcudgelinyourhand，youcangenerallydrivehimoff。
Georgecameinlaterintheday。Hesaid：
"Well，doyouthinkeverythingwillbeready？"
Isaid："EverythingwillbereadybyWednesday，except，perhaps，youandHarris。"
Hesaid："Isthetandemallright？"
"Thetandem，"Isaid，"iswell。"
Hesaid："Youdon’tthinkitwantsoverhauling？"
Ireplied："Ageandexperiencehavetaughtmethattherearefewmattersconcerningwhichamandoeswelltobepositive。
Consequently，thereremaintomenowbutalimitednumberofquestionsuponwhichIfeelanydegreeofcertainty。Amongsuchstill—unshakenbeliefs，however，istheconvictionthatthattandemdoesnotwantoverhauling。Ialsofeelapresentimentthat，providedmylifeisspared，nohumanbeingbetweennowandWednesdaymorningisgoingtooverhaulit。"
Georgesaid："Ishouldnotshowtemperoverthematter，ifIwereyou。Therewillcomeaday，perhapsnotfardistant，whenthatbicycle，withacoupleofmountainsbetweenitandthenearestrepairingshop，will，inspiteofyourchronicdesireforrest，HAVEtobeoverhauled。Thenyouwillclamourforpeopletotellyouwhereyouputtheoil—can，andwhatyouhavedonewiththescrew—hammer。Then，whileyouexertyourselfholdingthethingsteadyagainstatree，youwillsuggestthatsomebodyelseshouldcleanthechainandpumpthebackwheel。"
IfelttherewasjusticeinGeorge’srebuke——alsoacertainamountofpropheticwisdom。Isaid：
"ForgivemeifIseemedunresponsive。Thetruthis，Harriswasroundherethismorning——"
Georgesaid："Saynomore；Iunderstand。Besides，whatIcametotalktoyouaboutwasanothermatter。Lookatthat。"
Hehandedmeasmallbookboundinredcloth。ItwasaguidetoEnglishconversationfortheuseofGermantravellers。Itcommenced"OnaSteam—boat，"andterminated"AttheDoctor’s"；itslongestchapterbeingdevotedtoconversationinarailwaycarriage，among，apparently，acompartmentloadofquarrelsomeandill—manneredlunatics："Canyounotgetfurtherawayfromme，sir？"——"Itisimpossible，madam；myneighbour，here，isverystout"——"Shallwenotendeavourtoarrangeourlegs？"——"Pleasehavethegoodnesstokeepyourelbowsdown"——"Praydonotinconvenienceyourself，madam，ifmyshoulderisofanyaccommodationtoyou，"
whetherintendedtobesaidsarcasticallyornot，therewasnothingtoindicate——"Ireallymustrequestyoutomovealittle，madam，I
canhardlybreathe，"theauthor’sideabeing，presumably，thatbythistimethewholepartywasmixeduptogetheronthefloor。Thechapterconcludedwiththephrase，"Hereweareatourdestination，Godbethanked！（Gottseidank！）"apiousexclamation，whichunderthecircumstancesmusthavetakentheformofachorus。
Attheendofthebookwasanappendix，givingtheGermantravellerhintsconcerningthepreservationofhishealthandcomfortduringhissojourninEnglishtowns，chiefamongsuchhintsbeingadvicetohimtoalwaystravelwithasupplyofdisinfectantpowder，toalwayslockhisbedroomdooratnight，andtoalwayscarefullycounthissmallchange。
"Itisnotabrilliantpublication，"Iremarked，handingthebookbacktoGeorge；"itisnotabookthatpersonallyIwouldrecommendtoanyGermanabouttovisitEngland；Ithinkitwouldgethimdisliked。ButIhavereadbookspublishedinLondonfortheuseofEnglishtravellersabroadeverywhitasfoolish。Someeducatedidiot，misunderstandingsevenlanguages，wouldappeartogoaboutwritingthesebooksforthemisinformationandfalseguidanceofmodernEurope。"
"Youcannotdeny，"saidGeorge，"thatthesebooksareinlargerequest。Theyareboughtbythethousand，Iknow。IneverytowninEuropetheremustbepeoplegoingabouttalkingthissortofthing。"
"Maybe，"Ireplied；"butfortunatelynobodyunderstandsthem。I
havenoticed，myself，menstandingonrailwayplatformsandatstreetcornersreadingaloudfromsuchbooks。Nobodyknowswhatlanguagetheyarespeaking；nobodyhastheslightestknowledgeofwhattheyaresaying。Thisis，perhaps，aswell；weretheyunderstoodtheywouldprobablybeassaulted。"
Georgesaid："Maybeyouareright；myideaistoseewhatwouldhappeniftheywereunderstood。MyproposalistogettoLondonearlyonWednesdaymorning，andspendanhourortwogoingaboutandshoppingwiththeaidofthisbook。ThereareoneortwolittlethingsIwant——ahatandapairofbedroomslippers，amongotherarticles。OurboatdoesnotleaveTilburytilltwelve，andthatjustgivesustime。IwanttotrythissortoftalkwhereI
canproperlyjudgeofitseffect。Iwanttoseehowtheforeignerfeelswhenheistalkedtointhisway。"
Itstruckmeasasportingidea。InmyenthusiasmIofferedtoaccompanyhim，andwaitoutsidetheshop。IsaidIthoughtthatHarriswouldliketobeinit，too——orratheroutside。
Georgesaidthatwasnotquitehisscheme。HisproposalwasthatHarrisandIshouldaccompanyhimintotheshop。WithHarris，wholooksformidable，tosupporthim，andmyselfatthedoortocallthepoliceifnecessary，hesaidhewaswillingtoadventurethething。
WewalkedroundtoHarris’s，andputtheproposalbeforehim。Heexaminedthebook，especiallythechaptersdealingwiththepurchaseofshoesandhats。Hesaid：
"IfGeorgetalkstoanybootmakeroranyhatterthethingsthatareputdownhere，itisnotsupporthewillwant；itiscarryingtothehospitalthathewillneed。"
ThatmadeGeorgeangry。
"Youtalk，"saidGeorge，"asthoughIwereafoolhardyboywithoutanysense。Ishallselectfromthemorepoliteandlessirritatingspeeches；thegrosserinsultsIshallavoid。"
Thisbeingclearlyunderstood，Harrisgaveinhisadhesion；andourstartwasfixedforearlyWednesdaymorning。
CHAPTERIV
WhyHarrisconsidersalarmclocksunnecessaryinafamily——Socialinstinctoftheyoung——Achild’sthoughtsaboutthemorning——Thesleeplesswatchman——Themysteryofhim——Hisoveranxiety——Nightthoughts——Thesortofworkonedoesbeforebreakfast——Thegoodsheepandthebad——Disadvantagesofbeingvirtuous——Harris’snewstovebeginsbadly——Thedailyout—goingofmyUnclePodger——Theelderlycitymanconsideredasaracer——WearriveinLondon——Wetalkthelanguageofthetraveller。
GeorgecamedownonTuesdayevening，andsleptatHarris’splace。
Wethoughtthisabetterarrangementthanhisownsuggestion，whichwasthatweshouldcallforhimonourwayand"pickhimup。"
PickingGeorgeupinthemorningmeanspickinghimoutofbedtobeginwith，andshakinghimawake——initselfanexhaustingeffortwithwhichtocommencetheday；helpinghimfindhisthingsandfinishhispacking；andthenwaitingforhimwhileheeatshisbreakfast，atediousentertainmentfromthespectator’spointofview，fullofwearisomerepetition。
Iknewthatifhesleptat"Beggarbush"hewouldbeupintime；I
haveslepttheremyself，andIknowwhathappens。Aboutthemiddleofthenight，asyoujudge，thoughinrealityitmaybesomewhatlater，youarestartledoutofyourfirstsleepbywhatsoundslikearushofcavalryalongthepassage，justoutsideyourdoor。Yourhalf—awakenedintelligencefluctuatesbetweenburglars，theDayofJudgment，andagasexplosion。Yousitupinbedandlistenintently。Youarenotkeptwaitinglong；thenextmomentadoorisviolentlyslammed，andsomebody，orsomething，isevidentlycomingdownstairsonatea—tray。
"Itoldyouso，"saysavoiceoutside，andimmediatelysomehardsubstance，aheadonewouldsayfromtheringofit，reboundsagainstthepanelofyourdoor。
Bythistimeyouarechargingmadlyroundtheroomforyourclothes。Nothingiswhereyouputitovernight，thearticlesmostessentialhavedisappearedentirely；andmeanwhilethemurder，orrevolution，orwhateveritis，continuesunchecked。Youpauseforamoment，withyourheadunderthewardrobe，whereyouthinkyoucanseeyourslippers，tolistentoasteady，monotonousthumpinguponadistantdoor。Thevictim，youpresume，hastakenrefugethere；theymeantohavehimoutandfinishhim。Willyoubeintime？Theknockingceases，andavoice，sweetlyreassuringinitsgentleplaintiveness，asksmeekly：
"Pa，mayIgetup？"
Youdonotheartheothervoice，buttheresponsesare：
"No，itwasonlythebath——no，sheain’treallyhurt，——onlywet，youknow。Yes，ma，I’lltell’emwhatyousay。No，itwasapureaccident。Yes；good—night，papa。"
Thenthesamevoice，exertingitselfsoastobeheardinadistantpartofthehouse，remarks：
"You’vegottocomeupstairsagain。Pasaysitisn’ttimeyettogetup。"
Youreturntobed，andlielisteningtosomebodybeingdraggedupstairs，evidentlyagainsttheirwill。Byathoughtfularrangementthespareroomsat"Beggarbush"areexactlyunderneaththenurseries。Thesamesomebody，youconclude，stillofferingthemostcreditableopposition，isbeingputbackintobed。Youcanfollowthecontestwithmuchexactitude，becauseeverytimethebodyisflungdownuponthespringmattress，thebedstead，justaboveyourhead，makesasortofjump；whileeverytimethebodysucceedsinstrugglingoutagain，youareawarebythethuduponthefloor。Afteratimethestrugglewanes，ormaybethebedcollapses；andyoudriftbackintosleep。Butthenextmoment，orwhatseemstobethenextmoment，youagainopenyoureyesundertheconsciousnessofapresence。Thedoorisbeingheldajar，andfoursolemnfaces，piledoneontopoftheother，arepeeringatyou，asthoughyouweresomenaturalcuriositykeptinthisparticularroom。Seeingyouawake，thetopface，walkingcalmlyovertheotherthree，comesinandsitsonthebedinafriendlyattitude。
"Oh！"itsays，"wedidn’tknowyouwereawake。I’vebeenawakesometime。"
"SoIgather，"youreply，shortly。
"Padoesn’tlikeustogetuptooearly，"itcontinues。"Hesayseverybodyelseinthehouseisliabletobedisturbedifwegetup。
So，ofcourse，wemustn’t。"
Thetoneisthatofgentleresignation。Itisinstinctwiththespiritofvirtuouspride，arisingfromtheconsciousnessofself—
sacrifice。
"Don’tyoucallthisbeingup？"yousuggest。
"Oh，no；we’renotreallyup，youknow，becausewe’renotproperlydressed。"Thefactisself—evident。"Pa’salwaysverytiredinthemorning，"thevoicecontinues；"ofcourse，that’sbecauseheworkshardallday。Areyouevertiredinthemorning？"
Atthispointheturnsandnotices，forthefirsttime，thatthethreeotherchildrenhavealsoentered，andaresittinginasemi—
circleonthefloor。Fromtheirattitudeitiscleartheyhavemistakenthewholethingforoneoftheslowerformsofentertainment，somecomiclectureorconjuringexhibition，andarewaitingpatientlyforyoutogetoutofbedanddosomething。Itshockshim，theideaoftheirbeingintheguest’sbedchamber。Heperemptorilyordersthemout。Theydonotanswerhim，theydonotargue；indeadsilence，andwithoneaccordtheyfalluponhim。
Allyoucanseefromthebedisaconfusedtangleofwavingarmsandlegs，suggestiveofanintoxicatedoctopustryingtofindbottom。Notawordisspoken；thatseemstobetheetiquetteofthething。Ifyouaresleepinginyourpyjamas，youspringfromthebed，andonlyaddtotheconfusion；ifyouarewearingalessshowygarment，youstopwhereyouareandshoutcommands，whichareutterlyunheeded。Thesimplestplanistoleaveittotheeldestboy。Hedoesgetthemoutafterawhile，andclosesthedooruponthem。Itre—opensimmediately，andone，generallyMuriel，isshotbackintotheroom。Sheentersasfromacatapult。Sheishandicappedbyhavinglonghair，whichcanbeusedasaconvenienthandle。Evidentlyawareofthisnaturaldisadvantage，sheclutchesitherselftightlyinonehand，andpuncheswiththeother。Heopensthedooragain，andcleverlyusesherasabattering—ramagainstthewallofthosewithout。Youcanhearthedullcrashasherheadentersamongthem，andscattersthem。Whenthevictoryiscomplete，hecomesbackandresumeshisseatonthebed。Thereisnobitternessabouthim；hehasforgottenthewholeincident。
"Ilikethemorning，"hesays，"don’tyou？"
"Somemornings，"youagree，"areallright；othersarenotsopeaceful。"
Hetakesnonoticeofyourexception；afar—awaylookstealsoverhissomewhatetherealface。
"Ishouldliketodieinthemorning，"hesays；"everythingissobeautifulthen。"
"Well，"youanswer，"perhapsyouwill，ifyourfathereverinvitesanirritablemantocomeandsleephere，anddoesn’twarnhimbeforehand。"
Hedescendsfromhiscontemplativemood，andbecomeshimselfagain。
"It’sjollyinthegarden，"hesuggests；"youwouldn’tliketogetupandhaveagameofcricket，wouldyou？"
Itwasnottheideawithwhichyouwenttobed，butnow，asthingshaveturnedout，itseemsasgoodaplanaslyingtherehopelesslyawake；andyouagree。
Youlearn，laterintheday，thattheexplanationoftheproceedingisthatyou，unabletosleep，wokeupearlyinthemorning，andthoughtyouwouldlikeagameofcricket。Thechildren，taughttobeevercourteoustoguests，feltittheirdutytohumouryou。
Mrs。Harrisremarksatbreakfastthatatleastyoumighthaveseentoitthatthechildrenwereproperlydressedbeforeyoutookthemout；whileHarrispointsouttoyou，pathetically，how，byyouronemorning’sexampleandencouragement，youhaveundonehislabourofmonths。
OnthisWednesdaymorning，George，itseems，clamouredtogetupataquarter—pastfive，andpersuadedthemtolethimteachthemcyclingtricksroundthecucumberframesonHarris’snewwheel。
EvenMrs。Harris，however，didnotblameGeorgeonthisoccasion；
shefeltintuitivelytheideacouldnothavebeenentirelyhis。
ItisnotthattheHarrischildrenhavethefaintestnotionofavoidingblameattheexpenseofafriendandcomrade。Oneandalltheyarehonestyitselfinacceptingresponsibilityfortheirownmisdeeds。Itsimplyis，thatishowthethingpresentsitselftotheirunderstanding。Whenyouexplaintothemthatyouhadnooriginalintentionofgettingupatfiveo’clockinthemorningtoplaycricketonthecroquetlawn，ortomimicthehistoryoftheearlyChurchbyshootingwithacross—bowatdollstiedtoatree；
thatasamatteroffact，lefttoyourowninitiative，youwouldhavesleptpeacefullytillrousedinChristianfashionwithacupofteaateight，theyarefirstlyastonished，secondlyapologetic，andthirdlysincerelycontrite。Inthepresentinstance，waivingthepurelyacademicquestionwhethertheawakeningofGeorgeatalittlebeforefivewasduetonaturalinstinctonhispart，ortotheaccidentalpassingofahome—madeboomerangthroughhisbedroomwindow，thedearchildrenfranklyadmittedthattheblameforhisuprisingwastheirown。Astheeldestboysaid：
"WeoughttohaverememberedthatUncleGeorgehadalongday，beforehim，andweoughttohavedissuadedhimfromgettingup。I
blamemyselfentirely。"
Butanoccasionalchangeofhabitdoesnobodyanyharm；andbesides，asHarrisandIagreed，itwasgoodtrainingforGeorge。
IntheBlackForestweshouldbeupatfiveeverymorning；thatwehaddeterminedon。Indeed，Georgehimselfhadsuggestedhalf—pastfour，butHarrisandIhadarguedthatfivewouldbeearlyenoughasanaverage；thatwouldenableustobeonourmachinesbysix，andtobreakthebackofourjourneybeforetheheatofthedaysetin。Occasionallywemightstartalittleearlier，butnotasahabit。
Imyselfwasupthatmorningatfive。ThiswasearlierthanIhadintended。Ihadsaidtomyselfongoingtosleep，"Sixo’clock，sharp！"
TherearemenIknowwhocanwakethemselvesatanytimetotheminute。Theysaytothemselvesliterally，astheylaytheirheadsuponthepillow，"Four—thirty，""Four—forty—five，"or"Five—
fifteen，"asthecasemaybe；andastheclockstrikestheyopentheireyes。Itisverywonderfulthis；themoreonedwellsuponit，thegreaterthemysterygrows。SomeEgowithinus，actingquiteindependentlyofourconsciousself，mustbecapableofcountingthehourswhilewesleep。Unaidedbyclockorsun，oranyothermediumknowntoourfivesenses，itkeepswatchthroughthedarkness。Attheexactmomentitwhispers"Time！"andweawake。
TheworkofanoldriversidefellowIoncetalkedwithcalledhimtobeoutofbedeachmorninghalfanhourbeforehightide。Hetoldmethatneveroncehadheoverslepthimselfbyaminute。
Latterly，henevereventroubledtoworkoutthetideforhimself。
Hewouldliedowntired，andsleepadreamlesssleep，andeachmorningatadifferenthourthisghostlywatchman，trueasthetideitself，wouldsilentlycallhim。Didtheman’sspirithauntthroughthedarknessthemuddyriverstairs；orhaditknowledgeofthewaysofNature？Whatevertheprocess，themanhimselfwasunconsciousofit。
Inmyowncasemyinwardwatchmanis，perhaps，somewhatoutofpractice。Hedoeshisbest；butheisover—anxious；heworrieshimself，andlosescount。Isaytohim，maybe，"Five—thirty，please；"andhewakesmewithastartathalf—pasttwo。Ilookatmywatch。Hesuggeststhat，perhaps，Iforgottowinditup。I
putittomyear；itisstillgoing。Hethinks，maybe，somethinghashappenedtoit；heisconfidenthimselfitishalf—pastfive，ifnotalittlelater。Tosatisfyhim，Iputonapairofslippersandgodownstairstoinspectthedining—roomclock。Whathappenstoamanwhenhewandersaboutthehouseinthemiddleofthenight，cladinadressing—gownandapairofslippers，thereisnoneedtorecount；mostmenknowbyexperience。Everything——
especiallyeverythingwithasharpcorner——takesacowardlydelightinhittinghim。Whenyouarewearingapairofstoutboots，thingsgetoutofyourway；whenyouventureamongfurnitureinwoolworkslippersandnosocks，itcomesatyouandkicksyou。Ireturntobedbadtempered，andrefusingtolistentohisfurtherabsurdsuggestionthatalltheclocksinthehousehaveenteredintoaconspiracyagainstme，takehalfanhourtogettosleepagain。
Fromfourtofivehewakesmeeverytenminutes。IwishIhadneversaidawordtohimaboutthething。Atfiveo’clockhegoestosleephimself，wornout，andleavesittothegirl，whodoesithalfanhourlaterthanusual。
OnthisparticularWednesdayheworriedmetosuchanextent，thatIgotupatfivesimplytoberidofhim。Ididnotknowwhattodowithmyself。Ourtraindidnotleavetilleight；allourluggagehadbeenpackedandsentonthenightbefore，togetherwiththebicycles，toFenchurchStreetStation。Iwentintomystudy；I
thoughtIwouldputinanhour’swriting。Theearlymorning，beforeonehasbreakfasted，isnot，Itakeit，agoodseasonforliteraryeffort。Iwrotethreeparagraphsofastory，andthenreadthemovertomyself。Someunkindthingshavebeensaidaboutmywork；butnothinghasyetbeenwrittenwhichwouldhavedonejusticetothosethreeparagraphs。Ithrewthemintothewaste—
paperbasket，andsattryingtorememberwhat，ifany，charitableinstitutionsprovidedpensionsfordecayedauthors。
Toescapefromthistrainofreflection，Iputagolf—ballinmypocket，andselectingadriver，strolledoutintothepaddock。A
coupleofsheepwerebrowsingthere，andtheyfollowedandtookakeeninterestinmypractice。Theonewasakindly，sympatheticoldparty。Idonotthinksheunderstoodthegame；Ithinkitwasmydoingthisinnocentthingsoearlyinthemorningthatappealedtoher。AteverystrokeImadeshebleated：
"Go—o—o—d，go—o—o—dind—e—e—d！"
Sheseemedaspleasedasifshehaddoneitherself。
Asfortheotherone，shewasacantankerous，disagreeableoldthing，asdiscouragingtomeasherfriendwashelpful。
"Ba—a—ad，da—a—a—mba—a—a—d！"washercommentonalmosteverystroke。Asamatteroffact，somewerereallyexcellentstrokes；
butshediditjusttobecontradictory，andforthesakeofirritating。Icouldseethat。
Byamostregrettableaccident，oneofmyswiftestballsstruckthegoodsheeponthenose。Andatthatthebadsheeplaughed——laugheddistinctlyandundoubtedly，ahusky，vulgarlaugh；and，whileherfriendstoodgluedtotheground，tooastonishedtomove，shechangedhernoteforthefirsttimeandbleated：
"Go—o—o—d，ve—e—rygo—o—o—d！Be—e—e—estsho—o—o—othe—e—e’sma—a—
a—de！"
Iwouldhavegivenhalf—a—crownifithadbeensheIhadhitinsteadoftheotherone。Itiseverthegoodandamiablewhosufferinthisworld。
IhadwastedmoretimethanIhadintendedinthepaddock，andwhenEthelberthacametotellmeitwashalf—pastseven，andthebreakfastwasonthetable，IrememberedthatIhadnotshaved。ItvexesEthelberthamyshavingquickly。Shefearsthattooutsidersitmaysuggestapoor—spiritedattemptatsuicide，andthatinconsequenceitmaygetabouttheneighbourhoodthatwearenothappytogether。Asafurtherargument，shehasalsohintedthatmyappearanceisnotofthekindthatcanbetrifledwith。
Onthewhole，IwasjustasgladnottobeabletotakealongfarewellofEthelbertha；Ididnotwanttoriskherbreakingdown。
ButIshouldhavelikedmoreopportunitytosayafewfarewellwordsofadvicetothechildren，especiallyasregardsmyfishingrod，whichtheywillpersistinusingforcricketstumps；andI
hatehavingtorunforatrain。QuarterofamilefromthestationIovertookGeorgeandHarris；theywerealsorunning。Intheircase——soHarrisinformedme，jerkily，whilewetrottedsidebyside——itwasthenewkitchenstovethatwastoblame。Thiswasthefirstmorningtheyhadtriedit，andfromsomecauseorotherithadblownupthekidneysandscaldedthecook。Hesaidhehopedthatbythetimewereturnedtheywouldhavegotmoreusedtoit。
Wecaughtthetrainbytheskinofourteeth，asthesayingis，andreflectingupontheeventsofthemorning，aswesatgaspinginthecarriage，therepassedvividlybeforemymindthepanoramaofmyUnclePodger，asontwohundredandfiftydaysintheyearhewouldstartfromEalingCommonbythenine—thirteentraintoMoorgateStreet。
FrommyUnclePodger’shousetotherailwaystationwaseightminutes’walk。Whatmyunclealwayssaidwas：
"Allowyourselfaquarterofanhour，andtakeiteasily。"
Whathealwaysdidwastostartfiveminutesbeforethetimeandrun。Idonotknowwhy，butthiswasthecustomofthesuburb。
ManystoutCitygentlemenlivedatEalinginthosedays——Ibelievesomelivetherestill——andcaughtearlytrainstoTown。Theyallstartedlate；theyallcarriedablackbagandanewspaperinonehand，andanumbrellaintheother；andforthelastquarterofamiletothestation，wetorfine，theyallran。
Folkswithnothingelsetodo，nursemaidschieflyanderrandboys，withnowandthenaperambulatingcostermongeradded，wouldgatheronthecommonofafinemorningtowatchthempass，andcheerthemostdeserving。Itwasnotashowyspectacle。Theydidnotrunwell，theydidnotevenrunfast；buttheywereearnest，andtheydidtheirbest。Theexhibitionappealedlesstoone’ssenseofartthantoone’snaturaladmirationforconscientiouseffort。
Occasionallyalittleharmlessbettingwouldtakeplaceamongthecrowd。
"Twotooneagintheoldgentinthewhiteweskit！"
"TentooneonoldBlowpipes，barhedon’trolloverhisself’fore’egetsthere！"
"HevenmoneyonthePurpleHemperor！"——anicknamebestowedbyayouthofentomologicaltastesuponacertainretiredmilitaryneighbourofmyuncle’s，——agentlemanofimposingappearancewhenstationary，butapttocolourhighlyunderexercise。
MyuncleandtheotherswouldwritetotheEalingPresscomplainingbitterlyconcerningthesupinenessofthelocalpolice；andtheeditorwouldaddspiritedleadersupontheDecayofCourtesyamongtheLowerOrders，especiallythroughouttheWesternSuburbs。Butnogoodeverresulted。
Itwasnotthatmyuncledidnotriseearlyenough；itwasthattroublescametohimatthelastmoment。Thefirstthinghewoulddoafterbreakfastwouldbetolosehisnewspaper。WealwaysknewwhenUnclePodgerhadlostanything，bytheexpressionofastonishedindignationwithwhich，onsuchoccasions，hewouldregardtheworldingeneral。ItneveroccurredtomyUnclePodgertosaytohimself：
"Iamacarelessoldman。Iloseeverything：IneverknowwhereI
haveputanything。Iamquiteincapableoffindingitagainformyself。InthisrespectImustbeaperfectnuisancetoeverybodyaboutme。Imustsettoworkandreformmyself。"
Onthecontrary，bysomepeculiarcourseofreasoning，hehadconvincedhimselfthatwheneverhelostathingitwaseverybodyelse’sfaultinthehousebuthisown。
"Ihaditinmyhandherenotaminuteago！"hewouldexclaim。
Fromhistoneyouwouldhavethoughthewaslivingsurroundedbyconjurers，whospiritedawaythingsfromhimmerelytoirritatehim。
"Couldyouhaveleftitinthegarden？"myauntwouldsuggest。
"WhatshouldIwanttoleaveitinthegardenfor？Idon’twantapaperinthegarden；Iwantthepaperinthetrainwithme。"
"Youhaven’tputitinyourpocket？"
"Godblessthewoman！DoyouthinkIshouldbestandinghereatfiveminutestoninelookingforitifIhaditinmypocketallthewhile？DoyouthinkI’mafool？"
Heresomebodywouldexplain，"What’sthis？"andhandhimfromsomewhereapaperneatlyfolded。
"Idowishpeoplewouldleavemythingsalone，"hewouldgrowl，snatchingatitsavagely。
Hewouldopenhisbagtoputitin，andthenglancingatit，hewouldpause，speechlesswithsenseofinjury。
"What’sthematter？"auntwouldask。
"Thedaybeforeyesterday’s！"hewouldanswer，toohurteventoshout，throwingthepaperdownuponthetable。
Ifonlysometimesithadbeenyesterday’sitwouldhavebeenachange。Butitwasalwaysthedaybeforeyesterday’s；exceptonTuesday；thenitwouldbeSaturday’s。
Wewouldfinditforhimeventually；asoftenasnothewassittingonit。Andthenhewouldsmile，notgenially，butwiththewearinessthatcomestoamanwhofeelsthatfatehascasthislotamongabandofhopelessidiots。
"Allthetime，rightinfrontofyournoses——！"Hewouldnotfinishthesentence；hepridedhimselfonhisself—control。
Thissettled，hewouldstartforthehall，whereitwasthecustomofmyAuntMariatohavethechildrengathered，readytosaygood—
byetohim。
Myauntneverleftthehouseherself，ifonlytomakeacallnextdoor，withouttakingatenderfarewellofeveryinmate。Oneneverknew，shewouldsay，whatmighthappen。
Oneofthem，ofcourse，wassuretobemissing，andthemomentthiswasnoticedalltheothersix，withoutaninstant’shesitation，wouldscatterwithawhooptofindit。Immediatelytheyweregoneitwouldturnupbyitselffromsomewherequitenear，alwayswiththemostreasonableexplanationforitsabsence；andwouldatoncestartoffaftertheotherstoexplaintothemthatitwasfound。
Inthisway，fiveminutesatleastwouldbetakenupineverybody’slookingforeverybodyelse，whichwasjustsufficienttimetoallowmyuncletofindhisumbrellaandlosehishat。Then，atlast，thegroupreassembledinthehall，thedrawing—roomclockwouldcommencetostrikenine。Itpossessedacold，penetratingchimethatalwayshadtheeffectofconfusingmyuncle。Inhisexcitementhewouldkisssomeofthechildrentwiceover，passbyothers，forgetwhomhehadkissedandwhomhehadn’t，andhavetobeginalloveragain。Heusedtosayhebelievedtheymixedthemselvesuponpurpose，andIamnotpreparedtomaintainthatthechargewasaltogetherfalse。Toaddtohistroubles，onechildalwayshadastickyface；andthatchildwouldalwaysbethemostaffectionate。
Ifthingsweregoingtoosmoothly，theeldestboywouldcomeoutwithsometaleaboutalltheclocksinthehousebeingfiveminutesslow，andofhishavingbeenlateforschoolthepreviousdayinconsequence。Thiswouldsendmyunclerushingimpetuouslydowntothegate，wherehewouldrecollectthathehadwithhimneitherhisbagnorhisumbrella。Allthechildrenthatmyauntcouldnotstopwouldchargeafterhim，twoofthemstrugglingfortheumbrella，theotherssurgingroundthebag。Andwhentheyreturnedwewoulddiscoveronthehalltablethemostimportantthingofallthathehadforgotten，andwonderedwhathewouldsayaboutitwhenhecamehome。
WearrivedatWaterlooalittleafternine，andatonceproceededtoputGeorge’sexperimentintooperation。Openingthebookatthechapterentitled"AttheCabRank，"wewalkeduptoahansom，raisedourhats，andwishedthedriver"Good—morning。"
Thismanwasnottobeoutdoneinpolitenessbyanyforeigner，realorimitation。Callingtoafriendnamed"Charles"to"holdthesteed，"hesprangfromhisbox，andreturnedtousabow，thatwouldhavedonecredittoMr。Turveydrophimself。Speakingapparentlyinthenameofthenation，hewelcomedustoEngland，addingaregretthatHerMajestywasnotatthemomentinLondon。
Wecouldnotreplytohiminkind。Nothingofthissorthadbeenanticipatedbythebook。Wecalledhim"coachman，"atwhichheagainbowedtothepavement，andaskedhimifhewouldhavethegoodnesstodriveustotheWestminsterBridgeroad。
Helaidhishanduponhisheart，andsaidthepleasurewouldbehis。
Takingthethirdsentenceinthechapter，Georgeaskedhimwhathisfarewouldbe。
Thequestion，asintroducingasordidelementintotheconversation，seemedtohurthisfeelings。Hesaidhenevertookmoneyfromdistinguishedstrangers；hesuggestedasouvenir——adiamondscarfpin，agoldsnuffbox，somelittletrifleofthatsortbywhichhecouldrememberus。
Asasmallcrowdhadcollected，andasthejokewasdriftingrathertoofarinthecabman’sdirection，weclimbedinwithoutfurtherparley，andweredrivenawayamidcheers。WestoppedthecabatabootshopalittlepastAstley’sTheatrethatlookedthesortofplacewewanted。Itwasoneofthoseoverfedshopsthatthemomenttheirshuttersaretakendowninthemorningdisgorgetheirgoodsallroundthem。Boxesofbootsstoodpiledonthepavementorinthegutteropposite。Bootshunginfestoonsaboutitsdoorsandwindows。Itssun—blindwasassomegrimyvine，bearingbunchesofblackandbrownboots。Inside，theshopwasabowerofboots。Theman，whenweentered，wasbusywithachiselandhammeropeninganewcratefullofboots。
Georgeraisedhishat，andsaid"Good—morning。"
Themandidnoteventurnround。Hestruckmefromthefirstasadisagreeableman。Hegruntedsomethingwhichmighthavebeen"Good—morning，"ormightnot，andwentonwithhiswork。
Georgesaid："Ihavebeenrecommendedtoyourshopbymyfriend，Mr。X。"
Inresponse，themanshouldhavesaid："Mr。X。isamostworthygentleman；itwillgivemethegreatestpleasuretoserveanyfriendofhis。"
Whathedidsaywas："Don’tknowhim；neverheardofhim。"
Thiswasdisconcerting。Thebookgavethreeorfourmethodsofbuyingboots；Georgehadcarefullyselectedtheonecentredround"Mr。X，"asbeingofallthemostcourtly。Youtalkedagooddealwiththeshopkeeperaboutthis"Mr。X，"andthen，whenbythismeansfriendshipandunderstandinghadbeenestablished，youslidnaturallyandgracefullyintotheimmediateobjectofyourcoming，namely，yourdesireforboots，"cheapandgood。"Thisgross，materialmancared，apparently，nothingforthenicetiesofretaildealing。Itwasnecessarywithsuchanonetocometobusinesswithbrutaldirectness。Georgeabandoned"Mr。X，"andturningbacktoapreviouspage，tookasentenceatrandom。Itwasnotahappyselection；itwasaspeechthatwouldhavebeensuperfluousmadetoanybootmaker。Underthepresentcircumstances，threatenedandstifledaswewereoneverysidebyboots，itpossessedthedignityofpositiveimbecilitiy。Itran：—"Onehastoldmethatyouhaveherebootsforsale。"
Forthefirsttimethemanputdownhishammerandchisel，andlookedatus。Hespokeslowly，inathickandhuskyvoice。Hesaid：
"Whatd’yethinkIkeepbootsfor——tosmell’em？"
Hewasoneofthosementhatbeginquietlyandgrowmoreangryastheyproceed，theirwrongsapparentlyworkingwithinthemlikeyeast。
"Whatd’yethinkIam，"hecontinued，"abootcollector？Whatd’yethinkI’mrunningthisshopfor——myhealth？D’yethinkIlovetheboots，andcan’tbeartopartwithapair？D’yethinkIhang’emaboutheretolookat’em？Ain’tthereenoughof’em？Whered’yethinkyouare——inaninternationalexhibitionofboots？Whatd’yethinkthesebootsare——ahistoricalcollection？Didyoueverhearofamankeepingabootshopandnotsellingboots？D’yethinkI
decoratetheshopwith’emtomakeitlookpretty？Whatd’yetakemefor——aprizeidiot？"
Ihavealwaysmaintainedthattheseconversationbooksareneverofanyrealuse。WhatwewantedwassomeEnglishequivalentforthewell—knownGermanidiom："BehaltenSieIhrHaarauf。"
Nothingofthesortwastobefoundinthebookfrombeginningtoend。However，IwilldoGeorgethecredittoadmithechosetheverybestsentencethatwastobefoundthereinandappliedit。Hesaid：。
"Iwillcomeagain，when，perhaps，youwillhavesomemorebootstoshowme。Tillthen，adieu！"
Withthatwereturnedtoourcabanddroveaway，leavingthemanstandinginthecentreofhisboot—bedeckeddoorwayaddressingremarkstous。Whathesaid，Ididnothear，butthepassers—byappearedtofinditinteresting。
Georgewasforstoppingatanotherbootshopandtryingtheexperimentafresh；hesaidhereallydidwantapairofbedroomslippers。Butwepersuadedhimtopostponetheirpurchaseuntilourarrivalinsomeforeigncity，wherethetradespeoplearenodoubtmoreinuredtothissortoftalk，orelsemorenaturallyamiable。Onthesubjectofthehat，however，hewasadamant。Hemaintainedthatwithoutthathecouldnottravel，and，accordingly，wepulledupatasmallshopintheBlackfriarsRoad。
Theproprietorofthisshopwasacheery，bright—eyedlittleman，andhehelpedusratherthanhinderedus。
WhenGeorgeaskedhiminthewordsofthebook，"Haveyouanyhats？"hedidnotgetangry；hejuststoppedandthoughtfullyscratchedhischin。
"Hats，"saidhe。"Letmethink。Yes"——hereasmileofpositivepleasurebrokeoverhisgenialcountenance——"yes，nowIcometothinkofit，IbelieveIhaveahat。But，tellme，whydoyouaskme？"
Georgeexplainedtohimthathewishedtopurchaseacap，atravellingcap，buttheessenceofthetransactionwasthatitwastobea"goodcap。"
Theman’sfacefell。
"Ah，"heremarked，"there，Iamafraid，youhaveme。Now，ifyouhadwantedabadcap，notworththepriceaskedforit；acapgoodfornothingbuttocleanwindowswith，Icouldhavefoundyoutheverything。Butagoodcap——no；wedon’tkeepthem。Butwaitaminute，"hecontinued，——onseeingthedisappointmentthatspreadoverGeorge’sexpressivecountenance，"don’tbeinahurry。Ihaveacaphere"——hewenttoadrawerandopenedit——"itisnotagoodcap，butitisnotsobadasmostofthecapsIsell。"
Hebroughtitforward，extendedonhispalm。
"Whatdoyouthinkofthat？"heasked。"Couldyouputupwiththat？"
Georgefitteditonbeforetheglass，and，choosinganotherremarkfromthebook，said：
"Thishatfitsmesufficientlywell，but，tellme，doyouconsiderthatitbecomesme？"
Themansteppedbackandtookabird’s—eyeview。
"Candidly，"hereplied，"Ican’tsaythatitdoes。"
HeturnedfromGeorge，andaddressedhimselftoHarrisandmyself。
"Yourfriend’sbeauty，"saidhe，"Ishoulddescribeaselusive。Itisthere，butyoucaneasilymissit。Now，inthatcap，tomymind，youdomissit。"
AtthatpointitoccurredtoGeorgethathehadhadsufficientfunwiththisparticularman。Hesaid：
"Thatisallright。Wedon’twanttolosethetrain。Howmuch？"
Answeredtheman："Thepriceofthatcap，sir，which，inmyopinion，istwiceasmuchasitisworth，isfour—and—six。Wouldyoulikeitwrappedupinbrownpaper，sir，orinwhite？"
Georgesaidhewouldtakeitasitwas，paidthemanfour—and—sixin—silver，andwentout。HarrisandIfollowed。
AtFenchurchStreetwecompromisedwithourcabmanforfiveshillings。Hemadeusanothercourtlybow，andbeggedustorememberhimtotheEmperorofAustria。
Comparingviewsinthetrain，weagreedthatwehadlostthegamebytwopointstoone；andGeorge，whowasevidentlydisappointed，threwthebookoutofwindow。
Wefoundourluggageandthebicyclessafeontheboat，andwiththetideattwelvedroppeddowntheriver。
CHAPTERV
Anecessarydigression——Introducedbystorycontainingmoral——Oneofthecharmsofthisbook——TheJournalthatdidnotcommandsuccess——Itsboast："InstructioncombinedwithAmusement"——
Problem：saywhatshouldbeconsideredinstructiveandwhatamusing——Apopulargame——ExpertopiniononEnglishlaw——Anotherofthecharmsofthisbook——Ahackneyedtune——Yetathirdcharmofthisbook——Thesortofwooditwaswherethemaidenlived——
DescriptionoftheBlackForest。
AstoryistoldofaScotchmanwho，lovingalassie，desiredherforhiswife。Buthepossessedtheprudenceofhisrace。Hehadnoticedinhiscirclemanyanotherwisepromisingunionresultindisappointmentanddismay，purelyinconsequenceofthefalseestimateformedbybrideorbridegroomconcerningtheimaginedperfectabilityoftheother。Hedeterminedthatinhisowncasenocollapsedidealshouldbepossible。Therefore，itwasthathisproposaltookthefollowingform：
"I’mbutapuirlad，Jennie；Ihaenaesillertoofferye，andnaeland。"
"Ah，butyehaeyoursel’，Davie！"
"An’I’mwishfu’itwa’onythingelse，lassie。I’mnaebutapuirill—seasonedloon，Jennie。"
"Na，na；there’smonyaladmairill—lookingthanyoursel’，Davie。"
"Ihaenaseenhim，lass，andI’mjusta—thinkin’Ishouldna’careto。"
"Betteraplainman，Davie，thatyecandependa’thananethatwouldbeaspeirin’atthelassies，a—bringin’troubleintothehamewi’hisfloutingways。"
"Dinnayereckononthat，Jennie；it’snaethebonniestBubblyJockthatmak’sthemostfeatherstoflyinthekailyard。Iwaseveraladtorunafterthepetticoats，asisweelkent；an’it’sawearyhandfu’I’llbetoye，I’mthinkin’。"
"Ah，butyehaeakindheart，Davie！an’yelovemeweel。I’msureon’t。"
"Ilikeyeweelenoo’，Jennie，thoughIcannasayhowlongthefeelingmaybidewi’me；an’I’mkindenoo’whenIhaemyainway，an’naethin’happenstoputmeoot。ButIhaethedeevil’saintemper，asmymithercalltellye，an’likemypuirfayther，I’ma—
thinkin’，I’llgrownaebetterasIgrowmairauld。"
"Ay，butye’resairharduponyersel’，Davie。Ye’reanhonestlad。
Ikenyebetterthanyekenyersel’，an’ye’llmakaguidhameforme。"
"Maybe，Jennie！ButIhaemydoots。It’sasairthingforwifean’bairnswhentheguidmancannakeepawa’fraetheglass；an’
whenthescentofthewhuskycomestomeit’sjustasthoughI
hae’dthethroato’aLochTaysalmon；itjustgaesdoonan’doon，an’there’snaefillingo’me。"
"Ay，butye’reaguidmanwhenye’resober，Davie。"
"MaybeI’llbethat，Jennie，ifI’mnaedisturbed。"
"An’ye’llbidewi’me，Davie，an’workforme？"
"IseenaereasonwhyIshouldnabidewi’yetJennie；butdinnayeclackabootworktome，forIjustcannabearthethocto’t。"
"Anyhow，ye’lldoyourbest，Davie？Astheministersays，naemancandomairthanthat。"
"An’it’sapuirbestthatmine’llbe，Jennie，andI’mnaesaesureye’llhaeowermuckleeveno’that。We’rea’weak，sinfu’
creatures，Jennie，an’ye’dhaesomedeefficultytofindamanweakerormairsinfu’thanmysel’。"
"Weel，weel，yehaeatruthfu’tongue，Davie。Monyaladwillmakfinepromisestoapuirlassie，onlytobreak’eman’herheartwi’
’em。Yespeakmefair，Davie，andI’mthinkin’I’lljusttakye，an’seewhatcomeso’t。"
Concerningwhatdidcomeofit，thestoryissilent，butonefeelsthatundernocircumstanceshadtheladyanyrighttocomplainofherbargain。Whethersheeverdidordidnot——forwomendonotinvariablyordertheirtonguesaccordingtologic，normeneitherforthematterofthat——Davie，himself，musthavehadthesatisfactionofreflectingthatallreproacheswereundeserved。
Iwishtobeequallyfrankwiththereaderofthisbook。Iwishhereconscientiouslytoletforthitsshortcomings。Iwishnoonetoreadthisbookunderamisapprehension。
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