Therewillbenousefulinformationinthisbook。

AnyonewhoshouldthinkthatwiththeaidofthisbookhewouldbeabletomakeatourthroughGermanyandtheBlackForestwouldprobablylosehimselfbeforehegottotheNore。That，atallevents，wouldbethebestthingthatcouldhappentohim。Thefartherawayfromhomehegot，thegreateronlywouldbehisdifficulties。

Idonotregardtheconveyanceofusefulinformationasmyforte。

Thisbeliefwasnotinbornwithme；ithasbeendrivenhomeuponmebyexperience。

Inmyearlyjournalisticdays，Iserveduponapaper，theforerunnerofmanyverypopularperiodicalsofthepresentday。

Ourboastwasthatwecombinedinstructionwithamusement；astowhatshouldberegardedasaffordingamusementandwhatinstruction，thereaderjudgedforhimself。Wegaveadvicetopeopleabouttomarry——long，earnestadvicethatwould，hadtheyfollowedit，havemadeourcircleofreaderstheenvyofthewholemarriedworld。Wetoldoursubscribershowtomakefortunesbykeepingrabbits，givingfactsandfigures。Thethingthatmusthavesurprisedthemwasthatweourselvesdidnotgiveupjournalismandstartrabbit—farming。OftenandoftenhaveIprovedconclusivelyfromauthoritativesourceshowamanstartingarabbitfarmwithtwelveselectedrabbitsandalittlejudgmentmust，attheendofthreeyears，beinreceiptofanincomeoftwothousandayear，risingrapidly；hesimplycouldnothelphimself。Hemightnotwantthemoney。Hemightnotknowwhattodowithitwhenhehadit。Butthereitwasforhim。Ihavenevermetarabbitfarmermyselfworthtwothousandayear，thoughIhaveknownmanystartwiththetwelvenecessary，assortedrabbits。Somethinghasalwaysgonewrongsomewhere；maybethecontinuedatmosphereofarabbitfarmsapsthejudgment。

Wetoldourreadershowmanybald—headedmentherewereinIceland，andforallweknewourfiguresmayhavebeencorrect；howmanyredherringsplacedtailtomouthitwouldtaketoreachfromLondontoRome，whichmusthavebeenusefultoanyonedesirousoflayingdownalineofredherringsfromLondontoRome，enablinghimtoorderintherightquantityatthebeginning；howmanywordstheaveragewomanspokeinaday；andothersuchlikeitemsofinformationcalculatedtomakethemwiseandgreatbeyondthereadersofotherjournals。

Wetoldthemhowtocurefitsincats。PersonallyIdonotbelieve，andIdidnotbelievethen，thatyoucancurefitsincats。IfIhadacatsubjecttofitsIshouldadvertiseitforsale，orevengiveitaway。Butourdutywastosupplyinformationwhenaskedfor。Somefoolwrote，clamouringtoknow；andIspentthebestpartofamorningseekingknowledgeonthesubject。I

foundwhatIwantedatlengthattheendofanoldcookerybook。

WhatitwasdoingthereIhaveneverbeenabletounderstand。Ithadnothingtodowiththepropersubjectofthebookwhatever；

therewasnosuggestionthatyoucouldmakeanythingsavouryoutofacat，evenwhenyouhadcureditofitsfits。Theauthoresshadjustthrowninthisparagraphoutofpuregenerosity。IcanonlysaythatIwishshehadleftitout；itwasthecauseofadealofangrycorrespondenceandofthelossoffoursubscriberstothepaper，ifnotmore。Themansaidtheresultoffollowingouradvicehadbeentwopoundsworthofdamagetohiskitchencrockery，tosaynothingofabrokenwindowandprobablebloodpoisoningtohimself；addedtowhichthecat’sfitswereworsethanbefore。Andyetitwasasimpleenoughrecipe。Youheldthecatbetweenyourlegs，gently，soasnottohurtit，andwithapairofscissorsmadeasharp，cleancutinitstail。Youdidnotcutoffanypartofthetail；youweretobecarefulnottodothat；youonlymadeanincision。

Asweexplainedtotheman，thegardenorthecoalcellarwouldhavebeentheproperplacefortheoperation；noonebutanidiotwouldhaveattemptedtoperformitinakitchen，andwithouthelp。

Wegavethemhintsonetiquette。Wetoldthemhowtoaddresspeersandbishops；alsohowtoeatsoup。Weinstructedshyyoungmenhowtoacquireeasygraceindrawing—rooms。Wetaughtdancingtobothsexesbytheaidofdiagrams。Wesolvedtheirreligiousdoubtsforthem，andsuppliedthemwithacodeofmoralsthatwouldhavedonecredittoastained—glasswindow。

Thepaperwasnotafinancialsuccess，itwassomeyearsbeforeitstime，andtheconsequencewasthatourstaffwaslimited。Myownapartment，Iremember，included"AdvicetoMothers"——Iwrotethatwiththeassistanceofmylandlady，who，havingdivorcedonehusbandandburiedfourchildren，was，Iconsidered，areliableauthorityonalldomesticmatters；"HintsonFurnishingandHouseholdDecorations——withDesigns"acolumnof"LiteraryCounseltoBeginners"——Isincerelyhopemyguidancewasofbetterservicetothemthanithaseverprovedtomyself；andourweeklyarticle，"StraightTalkstoYoungMen，"signed"UncleHenry。"Akindly，genialoldfellowwas"UncleHenry，"withwideandvariedexperience，andasympatheticattitudetowardstherisinggeneration。Hehadbeenthroughtroublehimselfinhisfarbackyouth，andknewmostthings。EventothisdayIreadof"UncleHenry’s"advice，and，thoughIsayitwhoshouldnot，itstillseemstomegood，soundadvice。IoftenthinkthathadIfollowed"UncleHenry’s"counselcloserIwouldhavebeenwiser，madefewermistakes，feltbettersatisfiedwithmyselfthanisnowthecase。

Aquiet，wearylittlewoman，wholivedinabed—sittingroomofftheTottenhamCourtRoad，andwhohadahusbandinalunaticasylum，didour"CookingColumn，""HintsonEducation"——wewerefullofhints，——andapageandahalfof"FashionableIntelligence，"writteninthepertlypersonalstylewhichevenyethasnotaltogetherdisappeared，soIaminformed，frommodernjournalism："ImusttellyouabouttheDIVINEfrockIworeat’GloriousGoodwood’lastweek。PrinceC。——butthere，Ireallymustnotrepeatallthethingsthesillyfellowsays；heisTOOfoolish—

—andtheDEARCountess，Ifancy，wasjusttheWEEISHbitjealous"——

andsoon。

Poorlittlewoman！Iseehernowintheshabbygreyalpaca，withtheinkstainsonit。Perhapsadayat"GloriousGoodwood，"oranywhereelseinthefreshair，mighthaveputsomecolourintohercheeks。

Ourproprietor——oneofthemostunashamedlyignorantmenIevermet——IrememberhisgravelyinformingacorrespondentoncethatBenJonsonhadwrittenRabelaistopayforhismother’sfuneral，andonlylaughinggood—naturedlywhenhismistakeswerepointedouttohim——wrotewiththeaidofacheapencyclopediathepagesdevotedto"GeneralInformation，"anddidthemonthewholeremarkablywell；whileourofficeboy，withanexcellentpairofscissorsforhisassistant，wasresponsibleforoursupplyof"WitandHumour。"

Itwashardwork，andthepaywaspoor，whatsustaineduswastheconsciousnessthatwewereinstructingandimprovingourfellowmenandwomen。Ofallgamesintheworld，theonemostuniversallyandeternallypopularisthegameofschool。Youcollectsixchildren，andputthemonadoorstep，whileyouwalkupanddownwiththebookandcane。Weplayitwhenbabies，weplayitwhenboysandgirls，weplayitwhenmenandwomen，weplayitas，leanandslippered，wetottertowardsthegrave。Itneverpallsupon，itneverweariesus。Onlyonethingmarsit：thetendencyofoneandalloftheothersixchildrentoclamourfortheirturnwiththebookandthecane。Thereason，Iamsure，thatjournalismissopopularacalling，inspiteofitsmanydrawbacks，isthis：eachjournalistfeelsheistheboywalkingupanddownwiththecane。

TheGovernment，theClasses，andtheMasses，Society，Art，andLiterature，aretheotherchildrensittingonthedoorstep。Heinstructsandimprovesthem。

ButIdigress。ItwastoexcusemypresentpermanentdisinclinationtobethevehicleofusefulinformationthatI

recalledthesematters。Letusnowreturn。

Somebody，signinghimself"Balloonist，"hadwrittentoaskconcerningthemanufactureofhydrogengas。Itisaneasythingtomanufacture——atleast，soIgatheredafterreadingupthesubjectattheBritishMuseum；yetIdidwarn"Balloonist，"whoeverhemightbe，totakeallnecessaryprecautionagainstaccident。WhatmorecouldIhavedone？Tendaysafterwardsaflorid—facedladycalledattheoffice，leadingbythehandwhat，sheexplained，washerson，agedtwelve。Theboy’sfacewasunimpressivetoadegreepositivelyremarkable。Hismotherpushedhimforwardandtookoffhishat，andthenIperceivedthereasonforthis。Hehadnoeyebrowswhatever，andofhishairnothingremainedbutascrubbydust，givingtohisheadtheappearanceofahard—boiledegg，skinnedandsprinkledwithblackpepper。

"Thatwasahandsomeladthistimelastweek，withnaturallycurlyhair，"remarkedthelady。Shespokewitharisinginflection，suggestiveofthebeginningofthings。

"Whathashappenedtohim？"askedourchief。

"Thisiswhat’shappenedtohim，"retortedthelady。Shedrewfromhermuffacopyofourlastweek’sissue，withmyarticleonhydrogengasscoredinpencil，andflungitbeforehiseyes。Ourchieftookitandreaditthrough。

"Hewas’Balloonist’？"queriedthechief。

"Hewas’Balloonist，’"admittedthelady，"thepoorinnocentchild，andnowlookathim！"

"Maybeit’llgrowagain，"suggestedourchief。

"Maybeitwill，"retortedthelady，herkeycontinuingtorise，"andmaybeitwon’t。WhatIwanttoknowiswhatyouaregoingtodoforhim。"

Ourchiefsuggestedahairwash。Ithoughtatfirstshewasgoingtoflyathim；butforthemomentsheconfinedherselftowords。

Itappearsshewasnotthinkingofahairwash，butofcompensation。Shealsomadeobservationsonthegeneralcharacterofourpaper，itsutility，itsclaimtopublicsupport，thesenseandwisdomofitscontributors。

"Ireallydon’tseethatitisourfault，"urgedthechief——hewasamild—manneredman；"heaskedforinformation，andhegotit。"

"Don’tyoutrytobefunnyaboutit，"saidthelady（hehadnotmeanttobefunny，Iamsure；levitywasnothisfailing）"oryou’llgetsomethingthatYOUhaven’taskedfor。Why，fortwopins，"saidthelady，withasuddennessthatsentusbothflyinglikescuttledchickensbehindourrespectivechairs，"I’dcomeroundandmakeyourheadlikeit！"Itakeit，shemeantliketheboy’s。Shealsoaddedobservationsuponourchief’spersonalappearance，thatweredistinctlyinbadtaste。Shewasnotanicewomanbyanymeans。

Myself，Iamofopinionthathadshebroughttheactionshethreatened，shewouldhavehadnocase；butourchiefwasamanwhohadhadexperienceofthelaw，andhisprinciplewasalwaystoavoidit。Ihaveheardhimsay：

"Ifamanstoppedmeinthestreetanddemandedofmemywatch，I

shouldrefusetogiveittohim。Ifhethreatenedtotakeitbyforce，IfeelIshould，thoughnotafightingman，domybesttoprotectit。If，ontheotherhand，heshouldasserthisintentionoftryingtoobtainitbymeansofanactioninanycourtoflaw，I

shouldtakeitoutofmypocketandhandittohim，andthinkIhadgotoffcheaply。"

Hesquaredthematterwiththeflorid—facedladyforafive—poundnote，whichmusthaverepresentedamonth’sprofitsonthepaper；

andshedeparted，takingherdamagedoffspringwithher。Aftershewasgone，ourchiefspokekindlytome。Hesaid：

"Don’tthinkIamblamingyouintheleast；itisnotyourfault，itisFate。Keeptomoraladviceandcriticism——thereyouaredistinctlygood；butdon’ttryyourhandanymoreon’UsefulInformation。’AsIhavesaid，itisnotyourfault。Yourinformationiscorrectenough——thereisnothingtobesaidagainstthat；itsimplyisthatyouarenotluckywithit。"

IwouldthatIhadfollowedhisadvicealways；Iwouldhavesavedmyselfandotherpeoplemuchdisaster。Iseenoreasonwhyitshouldbe，butsoitis。IfIinstructamanastothebestroutebetweenLondonandRome，heloseshisluggageinSwitzerland，orisnearlyshipwreckedoffDover。IfIcounselhiminthepurchaseofacamera，hegetsruninbytheGermanpoliceforphotographingfortresses。Ioncetookadealoftroubletoexplaintoamanhowtomarryhisdeceasedwife’ssisteratStockholm。IfoundoutforhimthetimetheboatleftHullandthebesthotelstostopat。

TherewasnotasinglemistakefrombeginningtoendintheinformationwithwhichIsuppliedhim；nohitchoccurredanywhere；

yetnowheneverspeakstome。

ThereforeitisthatIhavecometorestrainmypassionforthegivingofinformation；thereforeitisthatnothinginthenatureofpracticalinstructionwillbefound，ifIcanhelpit，withinthesepages。

Therewillbenodescriptionoftowns，nohistoricalreminiscences，noarchitecture，nomorals。

IonceaskedanintelligentforeignerwhathethoughtofLondon。

Hesaid："Itisaverybigtown。"

Isaid："Whatstruckyoumostaboutit？"

Hereplied："Thepeople。"

Isaid："Comparedwithothertowns——Paris，Rome，Berlin，——whatdidyouthinkofit？"

Heshruggedhisshoulders。"Itisbigger，"hesaid；"whatmorecanonesay？"

Oneanthillisverymuchlikeanother。Somanyavenues，wideornarrow，wherethelittlecreaturesswarminstrangeconfusion；

thesebustlingby，important；thesehaltingtopow—wowwithoneanother。Thesestrugglingwithbigburdens；thosebutbaskinginthesun。Somanygranariesstoredwithfood；somanycellswherethelittlethingssleep，andeat，andlove；thecornerwherelietheirlittlewhitebones。Thishiveislarger，thenextsmaller。

Thisnestliesonthesand，andanotherunderthestones。Thiswasbuiltbutyesterday，whilethatwasfashionedagesago，somesayevenbeforetheswallowscame；whoknows？

Norwilltherebefoundhereinfolk—loreorstory。

Everyvalleywhereliehomesteadshasitssong。Iwilltellyoutheplot；youcanturnitintoverseandsetittomusicofyourown。

Therelivedalass，andtherecamealad，wholovedandrodeaway。

Itisamonotonoussong，writteninmanylanguages；fortheyoungmanseemstohavebeenamightytraveller。HereinsentimentalGermanytheyrememberhimwell。SoalsothedwellersoftheBlueAlsatianMountainsrememberhiscomingamongthem；while，ifmymemoryservesmetruly，helikewisevisitedtheBanksofAllanWater。AveritableWanderingJewishe；forstillthefoolishgirlslisten，sotheysay，tothedyingawayofhishoof—beats。

Inthislandofmanyruins，thatlongwhileagowerevoice—filledhomes，lingermanylegends；andhereagain，givingyoutheessentials，Ileaveyoutocookthedishforyourself。Takeahumanheartortwo，assorted；abundleofhumanpassions——therearenotmanyofthem，halfadozenatthemost；seasonwithamixtureofgoodandevil；flavourthewholewiththesauceofdeath，andserveupwhereandwhenyouwill。"TheSaint’sCell，""TheHauntedKeep，""TheDungeonGrave，""TheLover’sLeap"——callitwhatyouwill，thestew’sthesame。

Lastly，inthisbooktherewillbenoscenery。Thisisnotlazinessonmypart；itisself—control。Nothingiseasiertowritethanscenery；nothingmoredifficultandunnecessarytoread。

WhenGibbonhadtotrusttotravellers’talesforadescriptionoftheHellespont，andtheRhinewaschieflyfamiliartoEnglishstudentsthroughthemediumofCaesar’sCommentaries，itbehovedeveryglobe—trotter，forwhateverdistance，todescribetothebestofhisabilitythethingsthathehadseen。Dr。Johnson，familiarwithlittleelsethantheviewdownFleetStreet，couldreadthedescriptionofaYorkshiremoorwithpleasureandwithprofit。ToacockneywhohadneverseenhighergroundthantheHog’sBackinSurrey，anaccountofSnowdonmusthaveappearedexciting。Butwe，orratherthesteam—engineandthecameraforus，havechangedallthat。ThemanwhoplaystenniseveryyearatthefootoftheMatterhorn，andbilliardsonthesummitoftheRigi，doesnotthankyouforanelaborateandpainstakingdescriptionoftheGrampianHills。Totheaverageman，whohasseenadozenoilpaintings，ahundredphotographs，athousandpicturesintheillustratedjournals，andacoupleofpanoramasofNiagara，theword—paintingofawaterfallistedious。

AnAmericanfriendofmine，aculturedgentleman，wholovedpoetrywellenoughforitsownsake，toldmethathehadobtainedamorecorrectandmoresatisfyingideaoftheLakedistrictfromaneighteenpennybookofphotographicviewsthanfromalltheworksofColeridge，Southey，andWordsworthputtogether。Ialsorememberhissayingconcerningthissubjectofsceneryinliterature，thathewouldthankanauthorasmuchforwritinganeloquentdescriptionofwhathehadjusthadfordinner。Butthiswasinreferencetoanotherargument；namely，theproperprovinceofeachart。Myfriendmaintainedthatjustascanvasandcolourwerethewrongmediumsforstorytelling，soword—paintingwas，atitsbest，butaclumsymethodofconveyingimpressionsthatcouldmuchbetterbereceivedthroughtheeye。

Asregardsthequestion，therealsolingersinmymemoryverydistinctlyahotschoolafternoon。TheclasswasforEnglishliterature，andtheproceedingscommencedwiththereadingofacertainlengthy，butotherwiseunobjectionable，poem。Theauthor’sname，Iamashamedtosay，Ihaveforgotten，togetherwiththetitleofthepoem。Thereadingfinished，weclosedourbooks，andtheProfessor，akindly，white—hairedoldgentleman，suggestedourgivinginourownwordsanaccountofwhatwehadjustread。

"Tellme，"saidtheProfessor，encouragingly，"whatitisallabout。"

"Please，sir，"saidthefirstboy——hespokewithbowedheadandevidentreluctance，asthoughthesubjectwereonewhich，lefttohimself，hewouldneverhavementioned，——"itisaboutamaiden。"

"Yes，"agreedtheProfessor；"butIwantyoutotellmeinyourownwords。Wedonotspeakofamaiden，youknow；wesayagirl。Yes，itisaboutagirl。Goon。"

"Agirl，"repeatedthetopboy，thesubstitutionapparentlyincreasinghisembarrassment，"wholivedinawood。"

"Whatsortofawood？"askedtheProfessor。

Thefirstboyexaminedhisinkpotcarefully，andthenlookedattheceiling。

"Come，"urgedtheProfessor，growingimpatient，"youhavebeenreadingaboutthiswoodforthelasttenminutes。Surelyyoucantellmesomethingconcerningit。"

"Thegnarlytrees，theirtwistedbranches"——recommencedthetopboy。

"No，no，"interruptedtheProfessor；"Idonotwantyoutorepeatthepoem。Iwantyoutotellmeinyourownwordswhatsortofawooditwaswherethegirllived。"

TheProfessortappedhisfootimpatiently；thetopboymadeadashforit。

"Please，sir，itwastheusualsortofawood。"

"Tellhimwhatsortofawood，"saidhe，pointingtothesecondlad。

Thesecondboysaiditwasa"greenwood。"ThisannoyedtheProfessorstillmore；hecalledthesecondboyablockhead，thoughreallyIcannotseewhy，andpassedontothethird，who，forthelastminute，hadbeensittingapparentlyonhotplates，withhisrightarmwavingupanddownlikeadistractedsemaphoresignal。

Hewouldhavehadtosayitthenextsecond，whethertheProfessorhadaskedhimornot；hewasredintheface，holdinghisknowledgein。

"Adarkandgloomywood，"shoutedthethirdboy，withmuchrelieftohisfeelings。

"Adarkandgloomywood，"repeatedtheProfessor，withevidentapproval。"Andwhywasitdarkandgloomy？"

Thethirdboywasstillequaltotheoccasion。

"Becausethesuncouldnotgetinsideit。"

TheProfessorfelthehaddiscoveredthepoetoftheclass。

"Becausethesuncouldnotgetintoit，or，better，becausethesunbeamscouldnotpenetrate。Andwhycouldnotthesunbeamspenetratethere？"

"Please，sir，becausetheleavesweretoothick。"

"Verywell，"saidtheProfessor。"Thegirllivedinadarkandgloomywood，throughtheleafycanopyofwhichthesunbeamswereunabletopierce。Now，whatgrewinthiswood？"Hepointedtothefourthboy。

"Please，sir，trees，sir。"

"Andwhatelse？"

"Toadstools，sir。"Thisafterapause。

TheProfessorwasnotquitesureaboutthetoadstools，butonreferringtothetexthefoundthattheboywasright；toadstoolshadbeenmentioned。

"Quiteright，"admittedtheProfessor，"toadstoolsgrewthere。Andwhatelse？Whatdoyoufindunderneathtreesinawood？"

"Please，sir，earth，sir。"

"No；no；whatgrowsinawoodbesidestrees？"

"Oh，please，sir，bushes，sir。"

"Bushes；verygood。Nowwearegettingon。Inthiswoodthereweretreesandbushes。Andwhatelse？"

Hepointedtoasmallboynearthebottom，whohavingdecidedthatthewoodwastoofarofftobeofanyannoyancetohim，individually，wasoccupyinghisleisureplayingnoughtsandcrossesagainsthimself。Vexedandbewildered，butfeelingitnecessarytoaddsomethingtotheinventory，hehazardedblackberries。Thiswasamistake；thepoethadnotmentionedblackberries。

"Ofcourse，Klobstockwouldthinkofsomethingtoeat，"commentedtheProfessor，whopridedhimselfonhisreadywit。ThisraisedalaughagainstKlobstock，andpleasedtheProfessor。

"You，"continuedhe，pointingtoaboyinthemiddle；"whatelsewasthereinthiswoodbesidestreesandbushes？"

"Please，sir，therewasatorrentthere。"

"Quiteright；andwhatdidthetorrentdo？"

"Please，sir，itgurgled。"

"No；no。Streamsgurgle，torrents——？"

"Roar，sir。"

"Itroared。Andwhatmadeitroar？"

Thiswasaposer。Oneboy——hewasnotourprizeintellect，I

admit——suggestedthegirl。TohelpustheProfessorputhisquestioninanotherform：

"Whendiditroar？"

Ourthirdboy，againcomingtotherescue，explainedthatitroaredwhenitfelldownamongtherocks。Ithinksomeofushadavagueideathatitmusthavebeenacowardlytorrenttomakesuchanoiseaboutalittlethinglikethis；apluckiertorrent，wefelt，wouldhavegotupandgoneon，sayingnothingaboutit。Atorrentthatroaredeverytimeitfelluponarockwedeemedapoorspiritedtorrent；buttheProfessorseemedquitecontentwithit。

"Andwhatlivedinthiswoodbesidethegirl？"wasthenextquestion。

"Please，sir，birds，sir。"

"Yes，birdslivedinthiswood。Whatelse？"

Birdsseemedtohaveexhaustedourideas。

"Come，"saidtheProfessor，"whatarethoseanimalswithtails，thatrunuptrees？"

Wethoughtforawhile，thenoneofussuggestedcats。

Thiswasanerror；thepoethadsaidnothingaboutcats；squirrelswaswhattheProfessorwastryingtoget。

Idonotrecallmuchmoreaboutthiswoodindetail。Ionlyrecollectthattheskywasintroducedintoit。Inplaceswherethereoccurredanopeningamongthetreesyoucouldbylookingupseetheskyaboveyou；veryoftentherewerecloudsinthissky，andoccasionally，ifIrememberrightly，thegirlgotwet。

Ihavedweltuponthisincident，becauseitseemstomesuggestiveofthewholequestionofsceneryinliterature。Icouldnotatthetime，Icannotnow，understandwhythetopboy’ssummarywasnotsufficient。Withallduedeferencetothepoet，whoeverhemayhavebeen，onecannotbutacknowledgethathiswoodwas，andcouldnotbeotherwisethan，"theusualsortofawood。"

IcoulddescribetheBlackForesttoyouatgreatlength。IcouldtranslatetoyouHebel，thepoetoftheBlackForest。Icouldwritepagesconcerningitsrockygorgesanditssmilingvalleys，itspine—cladslopes，itsrock—crownedsummits，itsfoamingrivulets（wherethetidyGermanhasnotcondemnedthemtoflowrespectablythroughwoodentroughsordrainpipes），itswhitevillages，itslonelyfarmsteads。

ButIamhauntedbythesuspicionyoumightskipallthis。Wereyousufficientlyconscientious——orweak—mindedenough——nottodoso，Ishould，allsaidanddone，succeedinconveyingtoyouonlyanimpressionmuchbettersummedupinthesimplewordsoftheunpretentiousguidebook：

"Apicturesque，mountainousdistrict，boundedonthesouthandthewestbytheplainoftheRhine，towardswhichitsspursdescendprecipitately。Itsgeologicalformationconsistschieflyofvariegatedsandstoneandgranite；itslowerheightsbeingcoveredwithextensivepineforests。Itiswellwateredwithnumerousstreams，whileitspopulousvalleysarefertileandwellcultivated。Theinnsaregood；butthelocalwinesshouldbepartakenofbythestrangerwithdiscretion。"

CHAPTERVI

WhywewenttoHanover——Somethingtheydobetterabroad——Theartofpoliteforeignconversation，astaughtinEnglishschools——Atruehistory，nowtoldforthefirsttime——TheFrenchjoke，asprovidedfortheamusementofBritishyouth——FatherlyinstinctsofHarris——

Theroad—waterer，consideredasanartist——PatriotismofGeorge——

WhatHarrisoughttohavedone——Whathedid——WesaveHarris’slife—

—Asleeplesscity——Thecab—horseasacritic。

WearrivedinHamburgonFridayafterasmoothanduneventfulvoyage；andfromHamburgwetravelledtoBerlinbywayofHanover。

Itisnotthemostdirectroute。IcanonlyaccountforourvisittoHanoverastheniggeraccountedtothemagistrateforhisappearanceintheDeacon’spoultry—yard。

"Well？"

"Yes，sar，whattheconstablesezisquitetrue，sar；Iwasdar，sar。"

"Oh，soyouadmitit？Andwhatwereyoudoingwithasack，pray，inDeaconAbraham’spoultry—yardattwelveo’clockatnight？"

"I’segwinetertellyer，sar；yes，sar。I’dbeentoMassaJordan’swidasackofmelons。Yes，sar；an’MassaJordanhewuzvery’greeable，an’axedmefortercomein。"

"Yes，sar，very’greeablemanisMassaJordan。An’darwesatatalkingan’atalking——"

"Verylikely。WhatwewanttoknowiswhatyouweredoingintheDeacon’spoultry—yard？"

"Yes，sar，dat’swhatI’secummingto。Itwuzver’late’foreI

leftMassaJordan’s，an’denIseztermysel’，sezI，nowyerjeststepoutwithyerbestlegforemost，Ulysses，caseyergetsintotroublewiddeolewoman。Ver’talkativewomansheis，sar，very——

"

"Yes，nevermindher；thereareotherpeopleverytalkativeinthistownbesidesyourwife。DeaconAbraham’shouseishalfamileoutofyourwayhomefromMr。Jordan’s。Howdidyougetthere？"

"Dat’swhatI’ma—gwineterexplain，sar。"

"Iamgladofthat。Andhowdoyouproposetodoit？"

"Well，I’sethinkin’，sar，Imustha’digressed。"

Itakeitwedigressedalittle。

Atfirst，fromsomereasonorother，Hanoverstrikesyouasanuninterestingtown，butitgrowsuponyou。Itisinrealitytwotowns；aplaceofbroad，modern，handsomestreetsandtastefulgardens；sidebysidewithasixteenth—centurytown，whereoldtimberedhousesoverhangthenarrowlanes；wherethroughlowarchwaysonecatchesglimpsesofgalleriedcourtyards，onceoftenthronged，nodoubt，withtroopsofhorse，orblockedwithlumberingcoachandsix，waitingitsrichmerchantowner，andhisfatplacidFrau，butwherenowchildrenandchickensscuttleattheirwill；

whileoverthecarvedbalconieshangdingyclothesa—drying。

AsingularlyEnglishatmospherehoversoverHanover，especiallyonSundays，whenitsshutteredshopsandclangingbellsgivetoitthesuggestionofasunnierLondon。NorwasthisBritishSundayatmosphereapparentonlytomyself，elseImighthaveattributedittoimagination；evenGeorgefeltit。HarrisandI，returningfromashortstrollwithourcigarsafterlunchontheSundayafternoon，foundhimpeacefullyslumberinginthesmoke—room’seasiestchair。

"Afterall，"saidHarris，"thereissomethingabouttheBritishSundaythatappealstothemanwithEnglishbloodinhisveins。I

shouldbesorrytoseeitaltogetherdoneawaywith，letthenewgenerationsaywhatitwill。"

Andtakingoneeachendoftheamplesettee，wekeptGeorgecompany。

ToHanoveroneshouldgo，theysay，tolearnthebestGerman。ThedisadvantageisthatoutsideHanover，whichisonlyasmallprovince，nobodyunderstandsthisbestGerman。ThusyouhavetodecidewhethertospeakgoodGermanandremaininHanover，orbadGermanandtravelabout。Germanybeingseparatedsomanycenturiesintoadozenprincipalities，isunfortunateinpossessingavarietyofdialects。GermansfromPosenwishfultoconversewithmenofWurtemburg，havetotalkasoftenasnotinFrenchorEnglish；andyoungladieswhohavereceivedanexpensiveeducationinWestphaliasurpriseanddisappointtheirparentsbybeingunabletounderstandawordsaidtotheminMechlenberg。AnEnglish—speakingforeigner，itistrue，wouldfindhimselfequallynonplussedamongtheYorkshirewolds，orinthepurlieusofWhitechapel；butthecasesarenotonallfours。ThroughoutGermanyitisnotonlyinthecountrydistrictsandamongtheuneducatedthatdialectsaremaintained。Everyprovincehaspracticallyitsownlanguage，ofwhichitisproudandretentive。AneducatedBavarianwilladmittoyouthat，academicallyspeaking，theNorthGermanismorecorrect；buthewillcontinuetospeakSouthGermanandtoteachittohischildren。

Inthecourseofthecentury，IaminclinedtothinkthatGermanywillsolveherdifficultyinthisrespectbyspeakingEnglish。

EveryboyandgirlinGermany，abovethepeasantclass，speaksEnglish。WereEnglishpronunciationlessarbitrary，thereisnottheslightestdoubtbutthatinthecourseofaveryfewyears，comparativelyspeaking，itwouldbecomethelanguageoftheworld。

Allforeignersagreethat，grammatically，itistheeasiestlanguageofanytolearn。AGerman，comparingitwithhisownlanguage，whereeverywordineverysentenceisgovernedbyatleastfourdistinctandseparaterules，tellsyouthatEnglishhasnogrammar。AgoodmanyEnglishpeoplewouldseemtohavecometothesameconclusion；buttheyarewrong。Asamatteroffact，thereisanEnglishgrammar，andoneofthesedaysourschoolswillrecognisethefact，anditwillbetaughttoourchildren，penetratingmaybeevenintoliteraryandjournalisticcircles。Butatpresentweappeartoagreewiththeforeignerthatitisaquantityneglectable。Englishpronunciationisthestumbling—blocktoourprogress。Englishspellingwouldseemtohavebeendesignedchieflyasadisguisetopronunciation。Itisacleveridea，calculatedtocheckpresumptiononthepartoftheforeigner；butforthathewouldlearnitinayear。

FortheyhaveawayofteachinglanguagesinGermanythatisnotourway，andtheconsequenceisthatwhentheGermanyouthormaidenleavesthegymnasiumorhighschoolatfifteen，"it"（asinGermanyoneconvenientlymaysay）canunderstandandspeakthetongueithasbeenlearning。InEnglandwehaveamethodthatforobtainingtheleastpossibleresultatthegreatestpossibleexpenditureoftimeandmoneyisperhapsunequalled。AnEnglishboywhohasbeenthroughagoodmiddle—classschoolinEnglandcantalktoaFrenchman，slowlyandwithdifficulty，aboutfemalegardenersandaunts；conversationwhich，toamanpossessedperhapsofneither，isliabletopall。Possibly，ifhebeabrightexception，hemaybeabletotellthetime，ormakeafewguardedobservationsconcerningtheweather。Nodoubthecouldrepeatagoodlynumberofirregularverbsbyheart；only，asamatteroffact，fewforeignerscaretolistentotheirownirregularverbs，recitedbyyoungEnglishmen。LikewisehemightbeabletorememberachoiceselectionofgrotesquelyinvolvedFrenchidioms，suchasnomodernFrenchmanhaseverheardorunderstandswhenhedoeshear。

Theexplanationisthat，inninecasesoutoften，hehaslearntFrenchfroman"Ahn’sFirst—Course。"Thehistoryofthisfamousworkisremarkableandinstructive。Thebookwasoriginallywrittenforajoke，byawittyFrenchmanwhohadresidedforsomeyearsinEngland。HeintendeditasasatireupontheconversationalpowersofBritishsociety。Fromthispointofviewitwasdistinctlygood。HesubmittedittoaLondonpublishingfirm。Themanagerwasashrewdman。Hereadthebookthrough。

Thenhesentfortheauthor。

"Thisbookofyours，"saidhetotheauthor，"isveryclever。I

havelaughedoveritmyselftillthetearscame。"

"Iamdelightedtohearyousayso，"repliedthepleasedFrenchman。

"Itriedtobetruthfulwithoutbeingunnecessarilyoffensive。"

"Itismostamusing，"concurredthemanager；"andyetpublishedasaharmlessjoke，Ifeelitwouldfail。"

Theauthor’sfacefell。

"Itshumour，"proceededthemanager，"wouldbedenouncedasforcedandextravagant。Itwouldamusethethoughtfulandintelligent，butfromabusinesspointofviewthatportionofthepublicareneverworthconsidering。ButIhaveanidea，"continuedthemanager。Heglancedroundtheroomtobesuretheywerealone，andleaningforwardsunkhisvoicetoawhisper。"Mynotionistopublishitasaseriousworkfortheuseofschools！"

Theauthorstared，speechless。

"IknowtheEnglishschoolman，"saidthemanager；"thisbookwillappealtohim。Itwillexactlyfitinwithhismethod。Nothingsillier，nothingmoreuselessforthepurposewillheeverdiscover。Hewillsmackhislipsoverthebook，asapuppylicksupblacking。"

Theauthor，sacrificingarttogreed，consented。Theyalteredthetitleandaddedavocabulary，butleftthebookotherwiseasitwas。

Theresultisknowntoeveryschoolboy。"Ahn"becamethepalladiumofEnglishphilologicaleducation。Ifitnolongerretainsitsubiquity，itisbecausesomethingevenlessadaptabletotheobjectinviewhasbeensinceinvented。

Lest，inspiteofall，theBritishschoolboyshouldobtain，evenfromthelikeof"Ahn，"someglimmeringofFrench，theBritisheducationalmethodfurtherhandicapshimbybestowinguponhimtheassistanceof，whatistermedintheprospectus，"Anativegentleman。"ThisnativeFrenchgentleman，who，by—the—by，isgenerallyaBelgian，isnodoubtamostworthyperson，andcan，itistrue，understandandspeakhisownlanguagewithtolerablefluency。Therehisqualificationscease。Invariablyheisamanwithaquiteremarkableinabilitytoteachanybodyanything。

Indeed，hewouldseemtobechosennotsomuchasaninstructorasanamuserofyouth。Heisalwaysacomicfigure。NoFrenchmanofadignifiedappearancewouldbeengagedforanyEnglishschool。Ifhepossessbynatureafewharmlesspeculiarities，calculatedtocausemerriment，somuchthemoreisheesteemedbyhisemployers。

Theclassnaturallyregardshimasananimatedjoke。Thetwotofourhoursaweekthataredeliberatelywastedonthisancientfarce，arelookedforwardtobytheboysasamerryinterludeinanotherwisemonotonousexistence。Andthen，whentheproudparenttakeshissonandheirtoDieppemerelytodiscoverthattheladdoesnotknowenoughtocallacab，heabusesnotthesystem，butitsinnocentvictim。

IconfinemyremarkstoFrench，becausethatistheonlylanguageweattempttoteachouryouth。AnEnglishboywhocouldspeakGermanwouldbelookeddownuponasunpatriotic。WhywewastetimeinteachingevenFrenchaccordingtothismethodIhaveneverbeenabletounderstand。Aperfectunacquaintancewithalanguageisrespectable。Butputtingasidecomicjournalistsandladynovelists，forwhomitisabusinessnecessity，thissmatteringofFrenchwhichwearesoproudtopossessonlyservestorenderusridiculous。

IntheGermanschoolthemethodissomewhatdifferent。Onehoureverydayisdevotedtothesamelanguage。Theideaisnottogivetheladtimebetweeneachlessontoforgetwhathelearnedatthelast；theideaisforhimtogeton。Thereisnocomicforeignerprovidedforhisamusement。ThedesiredlanguageistaughtbyaGermanschool—masterwhoknowsitinsideandoutasthoroughlyasheknowshisown。MaybethissystemdoesnotprovidetheGermanyouthwiththatperfectionofforeignaccentforwhichtheBritishtouristisineverylandremarkable，butithasotheradvantages。

Theboydoesnotcallhismaster"froggy，"or"sausage，"norpreparefortheFrenchorEnglishhouranyexhibitionofhomelywitwhatever。Hejustsitsthere，andforhisownsaketriestolearnthatforeigntonguewithaslittletroubletoeverybodyconcernedaspossible。Whenhehasleftschoolhecantalk，notaboutpenknivesandgardenersandauntsmerely，butaboutEuropeanpolitics，history，Shakespeare，orthemusicalglasses，accordingtotheturntheconversationmaytake。

ViewingtheGermanpeoplefromanAnglo—Saxonstandpoint，itmaybethatinthisbookIshallfindoccasiontocriticisethem：butontheotherhandthereismuchthatwemightlearnfromthem；andinthematterofcommonsense，asappliedtoeducation，theycangiveusninety—nineinahundredandbeatuswithonehand。

ThebeautifulwoodoftheEilenriedeboundsHanoveronthesouthandwest，andhereoccurredasaddramainwhichHarristookaprominentpart。

WewereridingourmachinesthroughthiswoodontheMondayafternooninthecompanyofmanyothercyclists，foritisafavouriteresortwiththeHanoveriansonasunnyafternoon，anditsshadypathwaysarethenfilledwithhappy，thoughtlessfolk。Amongthemrodeayoungandbeautifulgirlonamachinethatwasnew。

Shewasevidentlyanoviceonthebicycle。Onefeltinstinctivelythattherewouldcomeamomentwhenshewouldrequirehelp，andHarris，withhisaccustomedchivalry，suggestedweshouldkeepnearher。Harris，asheoccasionallyexplainstoGeorgeandtomyself，hasdaughtersofhisown，or，tospeakmorecorrectly，adaughter，whoastheyearsprogresswillnodoubtceasepractisingcatherinewheelsinthefrontgarden，andwillgrowupintoabeautifulandrespectableyounglady。ThisnaturallygivesHarrisaninterestinallbeautifulgirlsuptotheageofthirty—fiveorthereabouts；

theyremindhim，sohesays，ofhome。

Wehadriddenforabouttwomiles，whenwenoticed，alittleaheadofusinaspacewherefivewaysmet，amanwithahose，wateringtheroads。Thepipe，supportedateachjointbyapairoftinywheels，writhedafterhimashemoved，suggestingagigantic—worm，fromwhoseopenneck，astheman，grippingitfirmlyinbothhands，pointingitnowthisway，andnowthat，nowelevatingit，nowdepressingit，pouredastrongstreamofwaterattherateofaboutagallonasecond。

"Whatamuchbettermethodthanours，"observedHarris，enthusiastically。HarrisisinclinedtobechronicallysevereonallBritishinstitutions。"Howmuchsimpler，quicker，andmoreeconomical！Yousee，onemanbythismethodcaninfiveminuteswaterastretchofroadthatwouldtakeuswithourclumsylumberingcarthalfanhourtocover。"

George，whowasridingbehindmeonthetandem，said，"Yes，anditisalsoamethodbywhichwithalittlecarelessnessamancouldcoveragoodmanypeopleinagooddeallesstimethantheycouldgetoutoftheway。"

George，theoppositetoHarris，isBritishtothecore。IrememberGeorgequitepatrioticallyindignantwithHarrisonceforsuggestingtheintroductionoftheguillotineintoEngland。

"Itissomuchneater，"saidHarris。

"Idon’tcareifitis，"saidGeorge；"I’manEnglishman；hangingisgoodenoughforme。"

"Ourwater—cartmayhaveitsdisadvantages，"continuedGeorge，"butitcanonlymakeyouuncomfortableaboutthelegs，andyoucanavoidit。Thisisthesortofmachinewithwhichamancanfollowyouroundthecornerandupstairs。"

"Itfascinatesmetowatchthem，"saidHarris。"Theyaresoskilful。IhaveseenamanfromthecornerofacrowdedsquareinStrassburgcovereveryinchofground，andnotsomuchaswetanapronstring。Itismarvelloushowtheyjudgetheirdistance。

Theywillsendthewateruptoyourtoes，andthenbringitoveryourheadsothatitfallsaroundyourheels。Theycan——"

"Easeupaminute，"saidGeorge。Isaid："Why？"

Hesaid："Iamgoingtogetoffandwatchtherestofthisshowfrombehindatree。Theremaybegreatperformersinthisline，asHarrissays；thisparticularartistappearstometolacksomething。Hehasjustsousedadog，andnowhe’sbusywateringasign—post。Iamgoingtowaittillhehasfinished。"

"Nonsense，"saidHarris；"hewon’twetyou。"

"ThatispreciselywhatIamgoingtomakesureof，"answeredGeorge，sayingwhichhejumpedoff，and，takingupapositionbehindaremarkablyfineelm，pulledoutandcommencedfillinghispipe。

Ididnotcaretotakethetandemonbymyself，soIsteppedoffandjoinedhim，leavingthemachineagainstatree。Harrisshoutedsomethingorotheraboutourbeingadisgracetothelandthatgaveusbirth，androdeon。

ThenextmomentIheardawoman’scryofdistress。Glancingroundthestemofthetree，Iperceivedthatitproceededfromtheyoungandelegantladybeforementioned，whom，inourinterestconcerningtheroad—waterer，wehadforgotten。Shewasridinghermachinesteadilyandstraightlythroughadrenchingshowerofwaterfromthehose。Sheappearedtobetooparalysedeithertogetofforturnherwheelaside。Everyinstantshewasbecomingwetter，whilethemanwiththehose，whowaseitherdrunkorblind，continuedtopourwateruponherwithutterindifference。Adozenvoicesyelledimprecationsuponhim，buthetooknoheedwhatever。

Harris，hisfatherlynaturestirredtoitsdepths，didatthispointwhat，underthecircumstances，wasquitetherightandproperthingtodo。Hadheactedthroughoutwiththesamecoolnessandjudgmenthethendisplayed，hewouldhaveemergedfromthatincidenttheheroofthehour，insteadof，ashappened，ridingawayfollowedbyinsultandthreat。Withoutamoment’shesitationhespurtedattheman，sprangtotheground，and，seizingthehosebythenozzle，attemptedtowrestitaway。

Whatheoughttohavedone，whatanymanretaininghiscommonsensewouldhavedonethemomenthegothishandsuponthething，wastoturnoffthetap。Thenhemighthaveplayedfoot—ballwiththeman，orbattledoreandshuttlecockashepleased；andthetwentyorthirtypeoplewhohadrushedforwardtoassistwouldhaveonlyapplauded。Hisidea，however，asheexplainedtousafterwards，wastotakeawaythehosefromtheman，and，forpunishment，turnituponthefoolhimself。Thewaterman’sideaappearedtobethesame，namely，toretainthehoseasaweaponwithwhichtosoakHarris。Ofcourse，theresultwasthat，betweenthem，theysousedeverydeadandlivingthingwithinfiftyyards，exceptthemselves。

Onefuriousman，toodrenchedtocarewhatmorehappenedtohim，leaptintothearenaandalsotookahand。Thethreeamongthemproceededtosweepthecompasswiththathose。Theypointedittoheaven，andthewaterdescendeduponthepeopleintheformofanequinoctialstorm。Theypointeditdownwards，andsentthewaterinrushingstreamsthattookpeopleofftheirfeet，orcaughtthemaboutthewaistline，anddoubledthemup。

Notoneofthemwouldloosenhisgripuponthehose，notoneofthemthoughttoturnthewateroff。Youmighthaveconcludedtheywerestrugglingwithsomeprimevalforceofnature。Inforty—fiveseconds，soGeorgesaid，whowastimingit，theyhadsweptthatcircusbareofeverylivingthingexceptonedog，who，drippinglikeawaternymph，rolledoverbytheforceofwater，nowonthisside，nowonthat，stillgallantlystaggeredagainandagaintoitsfeettobarkdefianceatwhatitevidentlyregardedasthepowersofhellletloose。

Menandwomenlefttheirmachinesupontheground，andflewintothewoods。Frombehindeverytreeofimportancepeepedoutwet，angryheads。

Atlast，therearriveduponthesceneonemanofsense。Bravingallthings，hecrepttothehydrant，wherestillstoodtheironkey，andscreweditdown。Andthenfromfortytreesbegantocreepmoreorlesssoakedhumanbeings，eachonewithsomethingtosay。

AtfirstIfelltowonderingwhetherastretcheroraclothesbasketwouldbethemoreusefulfortheconveyanceofHarris’sremainsbacktothehotel。IconsiderthatGeorge’spromptnessonthatoccasionsavedHarris’slife。Beingdry，andthereforeabletorunquicker，hewastherebeforethecrowd。Harriswasforexplainingthings，butGeorgecuthimshort。

"Yougetonthat，"saidGeorge，handinghimhisbicycle，"andgo。

Theydon’tknowwebelongtoyou，andyoumaytrustusimplicitlynottorevealthesecret。We’llhangaboutbehind，andgetintheirway。Ridezig—zagincasetheyshoot。"

Iwishthisbooktobeastrictrecordoffact，unmarredbyexaggeration，andthereforeIhaveshownmydescriptionofthisincidenttoHarris，lestanythingbeyondbaldnarrativemayhavecreptintoit。Harrismaintainsitisexaggerated，butadmitsthatoneortwopeoplemayhavebeen"sprinkled。"Ihaveofferedtoturnastreethoseonhimatadistanceoffive—and—twentyyards，andtakehisopinionafterwards，astowhether"sprinkled"istheadequateterm，buthehasdeclinedthetest。Again，heinsiststherecouldnothavebeenmorethanhalfadozenpeople，attheoutside，involvedinthecatastrophe，thatfortyisaridiculousmisstatement。IhaveofferedtoreturnwithhimtoHanoverandmakestrictinquiryintothematter，andthisofferhehaslikewisedeclined。Underthesecircumstances，Imaintainthatmineisatrueandrestrainednarrativeofaneventthatis，byacertainnumberofHanoverians，rememberedwithbitternessuntothisveryday。

WeleftHanoverthatsameevening，andarrivedatBerlinintimeforsupperandaneveningstroll。Berlinisadisappointingtown；

itscentreover—crowded，itsoutlyingpartslifeless；itsonefamousstreet，UnterdenLinden，anattempttocombineOxfordStreetwiththeChampsElysee，singularlyunimposing，beingmuchtoowideforitssize；itstheatresdaintyandcharming，whereactingisconsideredofmoreimportancethansceneryordress，wherelongrunsareunknown，successfulpiecesbeingplayedagainandagain，butneverconsecutively，sothatforaweekrunningyoumaygotothesameBerlintheatre，andseeafreshplayeverynight；itsoperahouseunworthyofit；itstwomusichalls，withanunnecessarysuggestionofvulgarityandcommonnessaboutthem，ill—

arrangedandmuchtoolargeforcomfort。IntheBerlincafesandrestaurants，thebusytimeisfrommidnightontillthree。Yetmostofthepeoplewhofrequentthemareupagainatseven。EithertheBerlinerhassolvedthegreatproblemofmodernlife，howtodowithoutsleep，or，withCarlyle，hemustbelookingforwardtoeternity。

Personally，Iknowofnoothertownwheresuchlatehoursarethevogue，exceptSt。Petersburg。ButyourSt。Petersburgerdoesnotgetupearlyinthemorning。AtSt。Petersburg，themusichalls，whichitisthefashionablethingtoattendAFTERthetheatre——adrivetothemtakinghalfanhourinaswiftsleigh——donotpracticallybegintilltwelve。ThroughtheNevaatfouro’clockinthemorningyouhavetoliterallypushyourway；andthefavouritetrainsfortravellersarethosestartingaboutfiveo’clockinthemorning。ThesetrainssavetheRussianthetroubleofgettingupearly。Hewisheshisfriends"Good—night，"anddrivesdowntothestationcomfortablyaftersupper，withoutputtingthehousetoanyinconvenience。

Potsdam，theVersaillestoBerlin，isabeautifullittletown，situateamonglakesandwoods。Hereintheshadywaysofitsquiet，far—stretchingparkofSansSouci，itiseasytoimaginelean，snuffyFrederick"bummeling"withshrillVoltaire。

Actingonmyadvice，GeorgeandHarrisconsentednottostaylonginBerlin；buttopushontoDresden。MostthatBerlinhastoshowcanbeseenbetterelsewhere，andwedecidedtobecontentwithadrivethroughthetown。Thehotelporterintroducedustoadroschkedriver，underwhoseguidance，soheassuredus，weshouldseeeverythingworthseeingintheshortestpossibletime。Themanhimself，whocalledforusatnineo’clockinthemorning，wasallthatcouldbedesired。Hewasbright，intelligent，andwell—

informed；hisGermanwaseasytounderstand，andheknewalittleEnglishwithwhichtoekeitoutonoccasion。Withthemanhimselftherewasnofaulttobefound，buthishorsewasthemostunsympatheticbruteIhaveeversatbehind。

Hetookadisliketousthemomenthesawus。Iwasthefirsttocomeoutofthehotel。Heturnedhishead，andlookedmeupanddownwithacold，glassyeye；andthenhelookedacrossatanotherhorse，afriendofhisthatwasstandingfacinghim。Iknewwhathesaid。Hehadanexpressivehead，andhemadenoattempttodisguisehisthought。

Hesaid：

"Funnythingsonedoescomeacrossinthesummertime，don’tone？"

Georgefollowedmeoutthenextmoment，andstoodbehindme。Thehorseagainturnedhisheadandlooked。Ihaveneverknownahorsethatcouldtwisthimselfasthishorsedid。Ihaveseenacameloparddotrick’swithhisneckthatcompelledone’sattention，butthisanimalwasmorelikethethingonedreamsofafteradustydaysatAscot，followedbyadinnerwithsixoldchums。IfIhadseenhiseyeslookingatmefrombetweenhisownhindlegs，IdoubtifIshouldhavebeensurprised。HeseemedmoreamusedwithGeorgeifanything，thanwithmyself。Heturnedtohisfriendagain。

"Extraordinary，isn’tit？"heremarked；"Isupposetheremustbesomeplacewheretheygrowthem"；andthenhecommencedlickingfliesoffhisownleftshoulder。Ibegantowonderwhetherhehadlosthismotherwhenyoung，andhadbeenbroughtupbyacat。

GeorgeandIclimbedin，andsatwaitingforHarris。Hecameamomentlater。Myself，Ithoughthelookedratherneat。Heworeawhiteflannelknickerbockersuit，whichhehadhadmadespeciallyforbicyclinginhotweather；hishatmayhavebeenatrifleoutofthecommon，butitdidkeepthesunoff。

Thehorsegaveonelookathim，said"GottinHimmel！"asplainlyaseverhorsespoke，andstartedoffdownFriedrichStrasseatabriskwalk，leavingHarrisandthedriverstandingonthepavement。

Hisownercalledtohimtostop，buthetooknonotice。Theyranafterus，andovertookusatthecorneroftheDorotheenStrasse。

Icouldnotcatchwhatthemansaidtothehorse，hespokequicklyandexcitedly；butIgatheredafewphrases，suchas：

"Gottoearnmylivingsomehow，haven’tI？Whoaskedforyouropinion？Aye，littleyoucaresolongasyoucanguzzle。"

ThehorsecuttheconversationshortbyturninguptheDorotheenStrasseonhisownaccount。Ithinkwhathesaidwas：

"Comeonthen；don’ttalksomuch。Let’sgetthejobover，and，wherepossible，let’skeeptothebackstreets。"

OppositetheBrandenburgerThorourdriverhitchedthereinstothewhip，climbeddown，andcameroundtoexplainthingstous。HepointedouttheThiergarten，andthendescantedtousoftheReichstagHouse。Heinformedusofitsexactheight，length，andbreadth，afterthemannerofguides。ThenheturnedhisattentiontotheGate。Hesaiditwasconstructedofsandstone，inimitationofthe"Properleer"inAthens。

Atthispointthehorse，whichhadbeenoccupyingitsleisurelickingitsownlegs，turnedrounditshead。Itdidnotsayanything，itjustlooked。

Themanbeganagainnervously。Thistimehesaiditwasanimitationofthe"Propeyedliar。"

HerethehorseproceededuptheLinden，andnothingwouldpersuadehimnottoproceeduptheLinden。Hisownerexpostulatedwithhim，buthecontinuedtotroton。Fromthewayhehitchedhisshouldersashemoved，Isomehowfelthewassaying：

"They’veseentheGate，haven’tthey？Verywell，that’senough。

Asfortherest，youdon’tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout，andtheywouldn’tunderstandyouifyoudid。YoutalkGerman。"

ItwasthesamethroughoutthelengthoftheLinden。Thehorseconsentedtostandstillsufficientlylongtoenableustohaveagoodlookateachsight，andtohearthenameofit。Allexplanationanddescriptionhecutshortbythesimpleprocessofmovingon。

"Whatthesefellowswant，"heseemedtosaytohimself，"istogohomeandtellpeopletheyhaveseenthesethings。IfIamdoingthemaninjustice，iftheyaremoreintelligentthantheylook，theycangetbetterinformationthanthisoldfoolofmineisgivingthemfromtheguidebook。Whowantstoknowhowhighasteepleis？Youdon’trememberitthenextfiveminuteswhenyouaretold，andifyoudoitisbecauseyouhavegotnothingelseinyourhead。Hejusttiresmewithhistalk。Whydoesn’thehurryup，andletusallgethometolunch？"

Uponreflection，Iamnotsurethatwall—eyedoldbrutehadnotsenseonitsside。Anyhow，Iknowtherehavebeenoccasions，withaguide，whenIwouldhavebeengladofitsinterference。

Butoneisaptto"sinone’smercies，"astheScotchsay，andatthetimewecursedthathorseinsteadofblessingit。

CHAPTERVII

Georgewonders——Germanloveoforder——"TheBandoftheSchwarzwaldBlackbirdswillperformatseven"——Thechinadog——Itssuperiorityoverallotherdogs——TheGermanandthesolarsystem——Atidycountry——Themountainvalleyasitoughttobe，accordingtotheGermanidea——HowthewaterscomedowninGermany——ThescandalofDresden——Harrisgivesanentertainment——Itisunappreciated——Georgeandtheauntofhim——George，acushion，andthreedamsels。

AtapointbetweenBerlinandDresden，George，whohad，forthelastquarterofanhourorso，beenlookingveryattentivelyoutofthewindow，said：

"Why，inGermany，isitthecustomtoputtheletter—boxupatree？

Whydotheynotfixittothefrontdooraswedo？Ishouldhatehavingtoclimbupatreetogetmyletters。Besides，itisnotfairtothepostman。Inadditiontobeingmostexhausting，thedeliveryoflettersmusttoaheavyman，onwindynights，bepositivelydangerouswork。Iftheywillfixittoatree，whynotfixitlowerdown，whyalwaysamongthetopmostbranches？But，maybe，Iammisjudgingthecountry，"hecontinued，anewideaoccurringtohim。"PossiblytheGermans，whoareinmanymattersaheadofus，haveperfectedapigeonpost。Evenso，Icannothelpthinkingtheywouldhavebeenwisertotrainthebirds，whiletheywereaboutit，todeliverthelettersnearertheground。Gettingyourlettersoutofthoseboxesmustbetrickyworkeventotheaveragemiddle—agedGerman。"

Ifollowedhisgazeoutofwindow。Isaid：

"Thosearenotletter—boxes，theyarebirds’nests。Youmustunderstandthisnation。TheGermanlovesbirds，buthelikestidybirds。Abirdlefttohimselfbuildshisnestjustanywhere。Itisnotaprettyobject，accordingtotheGermannotionofprettiness。Thereisnotabitofpaintonitanywhere，notaplasterimageallround，notevenaflag。Thenestfinished，thebirdproceedstoliveoutsideit。Hedropsthingsonthegrass；

twigs，endsofworms，allsortsofthings。Heisindelicate。Hemakeslove，quarrelswithhiswife，andfeedsthechildrenquiteinpublic。TheGermanhouseholderisshocked。Hesaystothebird：

"’FormanythingsIlikeyou。Iliketolookatyou。Iliketohearyousing。ButIdon’tlikeyourways。Takethislittlebox，andputyourrubbishinsidewhereIcan’tseeit。Comeoutwhenyouwanttosing；butletyourdomesticarrangementsbeconfinedtotheinterior。Keeptothebox，anddon’tmakethegardenuntidy。’"

InGermanyonebreathesinloveoforderwiththeair，inGermanythebabiesbeattimewiththeirrattles，andtheGermanbirdhascometopreferthebox，andtoregardwithcontemptthefewuncivilisedoutcastswhocontinuetobuildtheirnestsintreesandhedges。IncourseoftimeeveryGermanbird，oneisconfident，willhavehisproperplaceinafullchorus。Thispromiscuousanddesultorywarblingofhismust，onefeels，beirritatingtothepreciseGermanmind；thereisnomethodinit。Themusic—lovingGermanwillorganisehim。Somestoutbirdwithaspeciallywell—

developedcropwillbetrainedtoconducthim，and，insteadofwastinghimselfinawoodatfouro’clockinthemorning，hewill，attheadvertisedtime，singinabeergarden，accompaniedbyapiano。Thingsaredriftingthatway。

YourGermanlikesnature，buthisideaofnatureisaglorifiedWelshHarp。Hetakesgreatinterestinhisgarden。Heplantssevenrosetreesonthenorthsideandsevenonthesouth，andiftheydonotgrowupallthesamesizeandshapeitworrieshimsothathecannotsleepofnights。Everyflowerhetiestoastick。

Thisinterfereswithhisviewoftheflower，buthehasthesatisfactionofknowingitisthere，andthatitisbehavingitself。Thelakeislinedwithzinc，andonceaweekhetakesitup，carriesitintothekitchen，andscoursit。Inthegeometricalcentreofthegrassplot，whichissometimesaslargeasatableclothandisgenerallyrailedround，heplacesachinadog。

TheGermansareveryfondofdogs，butasaruletheypreferthemofchina。Thechinadogneverdigsholesinthelawntoburybones，andneverscattersaflower—bedtothewindswithhishindlegs。FromtheGermanpointofview，heistheidealdog。Hestopswhereyouputhim，andheisneverwhereyoudonotwanthim。

Youcanhavehimperfectinallpoints，accordingtothelatestrequirementsoftheKennelClub；oryoucanindulgeyourownfancyandhavesomethingunique。Youarenot，aswithotherdogs，limitedtobreed。Inchina，youcanhaveabluedogorapinkdog。

Foralittleextra，youcanhaveadouble—headeddog。

OnacertainfixeddateintheautumntheGermanstakeshisflowersandbushestotheearth，andcoversthemwithChinesematting；andonacertainfixeddateinthespringheuncoversthem，andstandsthemupagain。Ifithappenstobeanexceptionallyfineautumn，oranexceptionallylatespring，somuchtheworsefortheunfortunatevegetable。NotrueGermanwouldallowhisarrangementstobeinterferedwithbysounrulyathingasthesolarsystem。

Unabletoregulatetheweather，heignoresit。

Amongtrees，yourGerman’sfavouriteisthepoplar。Otherdisorderlynationsmaysingthecharmsoftheruggedoak，thespreadingchestnut，orthewavingelm。TotheGermanallsuch，withtheirwilful，untidyways，areeyesores。Thepoplargrowswhereitisplanted，andhowitisplanted。Ithasnoimproperruggedideasofitsown。Itdoesnotwanttowaveortospreaditself。ItjustgrowsstraightanduprightasaGermantreeshouldgrow；andsograduallytheGermanisrootingoutallothertrees，andreplacingthemwithpoplars。

YourGermanlikesthecountry，butheprefersitastheladythoughtshewouldthenoblesavage——moredressed。Helikeshiswalkthroughthewood——toarestaurant。Butthepathwaymustnotbetoosteep，itmusthaveabrickgutterrunningdownonesideofittodrainit，andeverytwentyyardsorsoitmusthaveitsseatonwhichhecanrestandmophisbrow；foryourGermanwouldnomorethinkofsittingonthegrassthanwouldanEnglishbishopdreamofrollingdownOneTreeHill。Helikeshisviewfromthesummitofthehill，buthelikestofindthereastonetablettellinghimwhattolookat，findatableandbenchatwhichhecansittopartakeofthefrugalbeerand"belegteSemmel"hehasbeencarefultobringwithhim。If，inaddition，hecanfindapolicenoticepostedonatree，forbiddinghimtodosomethingorother，thatgiveshimanextrasenseofcomfortandsecurity。

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