"Inchurchthepeoplestareatme，Theirsoulthesermonneverbinds；
Icatchthemlookingroundtosee，AndthoughtsofSHAKESPEAREfilltheirminds。
"Andsculptors，fraughtwithcunningwile，WhofinditdifficulttocrownAbustwithBROWN’Sinsipidsmile，OrTOMKINS’Sunmanneredfrown，"Yetboldlymakemyfacetheirown，When（oh，presumption!）theyrequireToanimateapaving—stoneWithSHAKESPEARE’Sintellectualfire。
"Atpartieswhereyoungladiesgaze，AndIattempttospeakmyjoy，’Hush，pray，’somelovelycreaturesays，’Thefondillusiondon’tdestroy!’
"Whene’erIspeak，mysouliswrungWiththeseorsomesuchwhisperings：
’’TispitythataSHAKESPEARE’StongueShouldsaysuchun—Shakesperianthings!’
"IshouldnotthusbecriticisedHadIafaceofcommonwont：
Don’tenvyme—now，beadvised!"
And，nowIthinkofit，Idon’t!
Ballad：GregoryParable，LL。D。
Aleafycot，wherenodryrotHadeverbeenbytenantseen，Whereivyclungandwopsesstung，Wherebeeseshummedanddrummedandstrummed，Wheretreesesgrewandbreezesblew—
Athatchyroof，quitewaterproof，Wherecountlessherdsofdicky—birdsBuilttwiggybedstolaytheirheads（MymotherbegsI’llmakeit"eggs，"
Butthoughit’struethatdickiesdoConstructanestwithchirpynoise，Withviewtoresttheireggyjoys，’Neatheavysheds，yeteggsandbeds，AsIexplaintoherinvainFivehundredtimes，arefaultyrhymes）。
’Neathsuchacot，builtonaplotOffreeholdland，dweltMARYandHerworthyfather，namedbymeGREGORYPARABLE，LL。D。
Heknewnoguile，thissimpleman，Noworldlywile，orplot，orplan，ExceptthatplotoffreeholdlandThatheldthecot，andMARY，andHerworthyfather，namedbymeGREGORYPARABLE，LL。D。
Agraveandlearnedscholarhe，Yetsimpleasachildcouldbe。
He’dshirkhismealtositandcramAgoodishdealofEtonGram。
NomanalivecouldhimnonplusWithvocativeofFILIUS；
NomanalivemorefullyknewThepassiveofaverbortwo；
NonebetterknewtheworththanheOfwordsthatendinB，D，T。
UponhisgreeninearlyspringHemightbeseenendeavouringTounderstandthehooksandcrooksOfHENRYandhisLatinbooks；
Orcallingforhis"CaesaronTheGallicWar，"likeanydon；
Or，p’raps，expoundinguntoallHowmythicBALBUSbuiltawall。
Solivedthesagewho’snamedbymeGREGORYPARABLE，LL。D。
TohimoneautumndaytherecameAlovelyyouthofmysticname：
Hetookalodginginthehouse，Andfella—dodgingsnipeandgrouse，For，oh!thatmildscholasticoneLetshootingforasinglegun。
Bythreeorfour，whensportwaso’er，TheMysticOnelaidbyhisgun，Andmadesheep’seyesofgiantsize，Tillaftertea，atMARYP。
AndMARYP。（sokindwasshe），She，too，madeeyesofgiantsize，WhoseeverydartrightthroughtheheartAppearedtorunthatMysticOne。
TheDoctor’swhimengrossinghim，Hedidnotknowtheyflirtedso。
For，saveattea，"MUSAMUSAE，"
AsI’madvised，monopolisedAndrenderedblindhisgiantmind。
ButlookingupabovehiscupOneafternoon，hesawthemspoon。
"Aha!"quothhe，"younaughtylass!
AsquaintoldOVIDsays，’Amas!’"
TheMysticYouthavowedthetruth，And，claimingruth，hesaid，"InsoothIloveyourdaughter，agedman：
Refusetojoinusifyoucan。
Treatnotmyoffer，sir，withscorn，I’mwealthythoughI’mlowlyborn。"
"Youngsir，"theagedscholarsaid，"Ineverthoughtyoumeanttowed：
Engrossedcompletelywithmybooks，Ilittlenoticedlovers’looks。
I’velivedsolongawayfromman，IdonotknowofanyplanBywhichtotestalover’sworth，Except，perhaps，thetestofbirth。
I’vehalfforgotteninthiswildAfather’sdutytohischild。
Itishisplace，Ithinkit’ssaid，ToseehisdaughtersrichlywedTodignitariesoftheearth—
Ifpossible，ofnoblebirth。
Ifnoblebirthisnotathand，Afathermay，Iunderstand（Andthisaffordsachanceforyou），BesatisfiedtowedhertoABOUCICAULTorBARING—whichMeansanyonewho’sveryrich。
Now，there’sanEarlwholiveshardby，—
MychildandIwillgoandtryIfhewillmakethemaidhisbride—
Ifnot，toyousheshallbetied。"
TheysoughttheEarlthatveryday；
TheSagebegantosayhissay。
TheEarl（averywickedman，WhosefaceboreVice’sblackestban）
Cutshortthescholar’ssimpletale，Andsaidinvoicetomakethemquail，"Pooh!goalong!you’redrunk，nodoubt—
Here，PETERS，turnthesepeopleout!"
TheSage，rebuffedinmodeuncouth，Returning，mettheMysticYouth。
"Mydarlingboy，"theScholarsaid，"TakeMARY—blessingsonyourhead!"
TheMysticBoyundidhisvest，Andtookaparchmentfromhisbreast，Andsaid，"Now，bythatnoblebrow，Ine’erknewfathersuchasthou!
ThesterlingruleofcommonsenseNowreapsitsproperrecompense。
Rejoice，mysoul’sunequalledQueen，ForIamDUKEOFGRETNAGREEN!"
Ballad：TheKingOfCanoodle—DumThestoryofFREDERICKGOWLER，Amarinerofthesea，Whoquittedhisship，theHOWLER，A—sailinginCaribbee。
Formanyadayhewandered，TillhemetinastateofrumCALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP，TheKingofCanoodle—Dum。
Thatmonarchaddressedhimgaily，"Hum!Gollydedoto—day？
Hum!Lily—whiteBuckraSailee"—
（Younoticehisplayfulway？）—
"Whatdickensyoudoin’here，sar？
Whydebbilyouwanttocome？
Hum!Picaninnee，dereisn’tnoseaInCityCanoodle—Dum!"
AndGOWLERheansweredsadly，"Oh，mineisadolefultale!
They’vetreatedmewerrybadlyInLunnon，fromwhereIhail。
I’moneoftheFamilyRoyal—
NocommonJackTaryousee；
I’mWILLIAMTHEFOURTH，farupintheNorth，AKinginmyowncountree!"
Bang—bang!Howthetom—tomsthundered!
Bang—bang!Howtheythumpedthisgongs!
Bang—bang!Howthepeoplewondered!
Bang—bang!Atithammerandtongs!
AlliancewithKingsofEuropeIsanhonourCanoodlersseek，Hermonarchsdon’tstopwithPEPPERMINTDROP
Everydayintheweek!
FREDtoldthemthathewasundone，Forhispeopleallwentinsane，AndfiredtheTowerofLondon，AndGrinnidge’sNavalFane。
AndsomeofthemrackedSt。James’s，AndventedtheirrageuponTheChurchofSt。Paul，theFishmongers’Hall，AndtheAngelatIslington。
CALAMITYPOPimploredhimInhiscapitaltoremainTillthosepeopleofhisrestoredhimTopowerandrankagain。
CALAMITYPOPhemadehimAPrinceofCanoodle—Dum，Withacoupleofcaves，somebeautifulslaves，Andtherunoftheroyalrum。
Popgavehimhisonlydaughter，HUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP：
FREDvowedthatifoverthewaterHewent，inanEnglishship，He’dmakeherhisQueen，—thoughtrulyItisanunusualthingForaCaribbeebratwho’sasblackasyourhatTobewifeofanEnglishKing。
AndalltheCanoodle—DummersTheycopiedhisrollingwalk，Hismethodofdrainingrummers，Hisemblematicaltalk。
Forhisdressandhisgracefulbreeding，Hisdelicatetasteinrum，Andhisnauticalway，werethetalkofthedayIntheCourtofCanoodle—Dum。
CALAMITYPOPmostwiselyDeterminedineverythingTomodelhisCourtpreciselyOnthatoftheEnglishKing；
AndorderedthateveryladyAndeverylady’slordShouldmasticatejacky（akindoftobaccy），Andscatteritsjuiceabroad。
TheysignifiedwonderroundlyAtanyastoundingyarn，Bydarningtheirdeareyesroundly（’Twasalltheyhadtodarn）。
They"hoistedtheirslacks，"adjustingGarmentsofplantain—leavesWithnauticaltwitches（asiftheyworebreeches，InsteadofadresslikeEVE’S!）
Theyshiveredtheirtimbersproudly，Ataphantomforelockdragged，AndcalledforahornpipeloudlyWheneveramusementflagged。
"Hum!Golly!himPOPresemble，HimBritishersov’reign，hum!
CALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP，DeKingofCanoodle—Dum!"
Themariner’slively"Hollo!"
EnlivenedCanoodle’splain（ForblessingsunnumberedfollowInCivilization’strain）。
ButFortune，wholovesabathos，Aterribleendingplanned，ForADMIRALD。CHICKABIDDY，C。B。，PlacedfootonCanoodleland!
Thatrebel，heseizedKINGGOWLER，Hethreatenedhisroyalbrains，AndputhimaboardtheHOWLER，Andfastenedhimdownwithchains。
TheHOWLERsheweighedheranchor，WithFREDERICKnicelynailed，AndofftotheNorthwithWILLIAMTHEFOURTH
Thesehorriblepiratessailed。
CALAMITYsaid（withfolly），"Hum!nebberwanthimagain—
Himcivilizeallofus，golly!
CALAMITYsuckhimbrain!"
Thepeople，however，werepainedwhenTheysawhimaboardhisship，ButnoneofthemweptfortheirFREDDY，exceptHUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP。
Ballad：FirstLoveAclergymaninBerkshiredwelt，TheREVERENDBERNARDPOWLES，AndinhischurchthereweeklykneltAtleastahundredsouls。
TherelittleELLENyoumightsee，Themodestrusticbelle；
Inmaidenlysimplicity，ShelovedherBERNARDwell。
ThoughELLENworeaplainsilkgownUntrimmedwithlaceorfur，YetnotahusbandinthetownButwishedhiswifelikeher。
Thoughsternermemoriesmightfade，YounevercouldforgetThechild—formofthatbaby—maid，TheVillageViolet!
Asimplefrightenedloveliness，Whosesacredspirit—partShranktimidlyfromworldlystress，Andnestledinyourheart。
POWLESwoo’dwitheverywell—wornplanAndalltheusualwilesWithwhichawell—schooledgentlemanAsimpleheartbeguiles。
ThehackneyedcomplimentsthatboreWorld—folkslikeyouandme，AppearedtoherasiftheyworeThecrownofPoesy。
HiswinkingeyelidsangasongHerheartcouldunderstand，EternityseemedscarcetoolongWhenBERNARDsqueezedherhand。
HeordereddownthemartialcrewOfGODFREY’SGrenadiers，AndCOOTEconspiredwithTINNEYtoEcstaticiseherears。
Beneathherwindow，veiledfromeye，Theynightlytooktheirstand；
OnbirthdayssupplementedbyTheCoventGardenband。
AndlittleELLEN，allalone，Enrapturedsatabove，AndthoughthowblestshewastoownThewealthofPOWLES’Slove。
Ioften，oftenwonderwhatPoorELLENsawinhim；
ForcalculatedhewasNOT
Topleaseawoman’swhim。
Hewasn’tgood，despitetheairAnM。B。waistcoatgives；
Indeed，hisdearestfriendsdeclareNogreaterhumbuglives。
Nokindofvirtuedeckedthispriest，He’dnothingtoallure；
Hewasn’thandsomeintheleast，—
Hewasn’tevenpoor。
No—hewascursedwithacresfat（AChristian’sdirestban），Andgold—yet，notwithstandingthat，PoorELLENlovedtheman。
AsunlikeBERNARDascouldbeWaspooroldAARONWOOD
（DisgracefulBERNARD’Scuratehe）：
Hewasextremelygood。
ABAYARDinhismoralpluckWithoutreproachorfear，AquietvenerableduckWithfiftypoundsayear。
Nofaulthadhe—nofad，exceptAtendencytostrum，Inmodeatwhichyouwouldhavewept，Adullharmonium。
HehadnogoldwithwhichtohireTheminstrelswhocouldbestConveyanotionofthefireThatragedwithinhisbreast。
Andso，whenCOOTEandTINNEY’SOwnHadtootledalltheyknew，AndwhentheGuards，completelyblown，Exhaustedlywithdrew，AndNELLbegantosleepyfeel，PoorAARONthenwouldcome，AndunderneathherwindowwheelHisplainharmonium。
Hewokehereverymornattwo，Andhavinggainedherear，InvividcoloursAARONdrewThesluggard’sgrimcareer。
HewarbledApiarianpraise，AndtaughtherinhischantToshunthedog’spugnaciousways，Andimitatetheant。
StillNELLseemednot，howmuchheplayed，Tolovehimoutandout，AlthoughtheadmirablemaidRespectedhim，nodoubt。
Shetoldhimofherearlyvow，AndsaidasBERNARD’SwifeItmightbeherstoshowhimhowTorectifyhislife。
"Youaresopure，sokind，sotrue，Yourgoodnessshinessobright，WhatusewouldELLENbetoyou？
Believeme，you’reallright。"
Shewishedhimhappinessandhealth，AndflewonlightningwingsToBERNARDwithhisdangerouswealthAndallthewoesitbrings。
Ballad：BraveAlumBeyOh，bigwasthebosomofbraveALUMBEY，Andalsotheregionthatunderitlay，Insafetyandperilremarkablycool，AndhedweltonthebanksoftheriverStamboul。
Eachmorninghewenttohisgarden，tocullAbunchofzenanaorsprigofbul—bul，Andofferedthebouquet，inexquisitebloom，ToBACKSHEESH，thedaughterofRAHATLAKOUM。
NomaidenlikeBACKSHEESHcouldtastilycookAkettleofkismetorjointoftchibouk，AsALUM，bravefellow!satpensivelyby，Withabrightsympatheticka—bobinhiseye。
Sterndutycompelledhimtoleaveheroneday—
（Aship’ssupercargowasbraveALUMBEY）—
ToprettyyoungBACKSHEESHhemadeasalaam，AndsailedtotheisleofSeringapatam。
"OALUM，"saidshe，"thinkagain，ereyougo—
HareemsmayariseandMogulstheymayblow；
Youmaystrikeonafez，orbedrowned，whichiswuss!"
ButALUMembracedherandspoketoherthus：
"Ceaseweeping，fairBACKSHEESH!IwillinglyswearCorkjacketsandtrousersIalwayswillwear，AndIalsothrowinalargenumberofoathsThatInever—no，NEVER—willtakeoffmyclothes!"
*****
TheyleftMadagascarawayontheirright，AndmadeClaphamCommonthefollowingnight，Thenlayontheiroarsforafortnightortwo，BecalmedintheoceanofHonololu。
OnedayALUMsaw，withalarminhisbreast，Acloudonthenor—sow—sow—nor—sow—nor—west；
Thewinditarose，andthecrewgaveascream，Fortheyknewit—theyknewit!—thedreadedHareem!!
Themastitwentover，andsodidthesails，BraveALUMthrewoverhiscasksandhisbales；
Thebillowsaroseastheweathergrewthick，AndallexceptALUMwereterriblysick。
Thecrewwerebutthree，buttheyholloa’dfornine，Theyhowledandtheyblubberedwithwailandwithwhine：
Theskipperhefaintedawayinthefore，Forhehadn’ttheheartfortoskipanymore。
"Ho，coward!"saidALUM，"withheartofachild!
Thousonofapartywhosegraveisdefiled!
IsALUMinterror？isALUMafeard？
Ho!ho!IfyouhadoneI’dlaughatyourbeard。"
Hiseyeballitgleamedlikeafurnaceofcoke；
Heboldlyinflatedhisclothesashespoke；
Hedaringlyfeltforthecorksonhischest，Andherecklesslytightenedthebeltathisbreast。
Forheknew，thebraveALUM，that，happenwhatmight，Withbeltsandcork—jacketing，HEwasallright；
Thoughothersmightsink，hewascertaintoswim，—
NoHareemwhateverhadterrorsforhim!
TheybeggedhimtosparefromhispersonalstoreAsinglecorkgarment—theyaskedfornomore；
Buthecouldn’t，becauseofthenumberofoathsThathenever—no，never!—wouldtakeoffhisclothes。
Thebillowsdasho’erthemandtopplearound，Theyseetheyareprettynearsuretobedrowned。
Aterriblewaveo’erthequarter—deckbreaks，Andthevesselitsinksinacoupleofshakes!
ThedreadfulHareem，thoughitknowshowtoblow，Expendsallitsstrengthinaminuteorso；
Whenthevesselhadfoundered，asIhavedetailed，Thetempestsubsided，andquietprevailed。
Oneseizedonacorkwithayelling"Ha!ha!"
（Itsbottlehad’prisonedapintofPacha）—
Anotheratoothpick—anotheratray—
"Alas!itisuseless!"saidbraveALUMBEY。
"Toholloaandkickisaverybadplan：
Getitover，mytulips，assoonasyoucan；
You’dbetterlayholdofagoodlumpoflead，Andclingtoittightlyuntilyouaredead。
"Justraiseyourhandsoveryourprettyheads—so—
Rightdowntothebottomyou’recertaintogo。
Ta!ta!I’mafraidweshallnotmeetagain"—
Forthetrulycourageousaretrulyhumane。
BraveALUMwaspickeduptheverynextday—
Aman—o’—warsightedhimsmokingaway；
Withhungerandcoldhewasreadytodrop，Sotheysenthimbelowandtheygavehimachop。
Oreader，orreadress，whicheveryoube，Youweepforthecrewwhohavesunkinthesea？
Oreader，orreadress，readfarther，anddryThebrightsympatheticka—bobinyoureye。
Thatshiphadagrapplewiththreeironspikes，—
It’slowered，and，ha!onasomethingitstrikes!
TheyhaulitaboardwithaBritish"heave—ho!"
Andwhatithasfishedthedrawingwillshow。
TherewasWILSON，andPARKER，andTOMLINSON，too—
（Thefirstwasthecaptain，theothersthecrew）—
AslivelyandspryasaMalabarape，Quitepleasedandsurprisedattheirhappyescape。
AndALUM，bravefellow，whostoodinthefore，Andneverexpectedtolookonthemmore，Wasreallydelightedtoseethemagain，Forthetrulycourageousaretrulyhumane。
Ballad：SirBarnabyBamptonBooThisisSIRBARNABYBAMPTONBOO，Lastofanoblerace，BARNABYBAMPTON，comingtowoo，Allatadeuceofapace。
BARNABYBAMPTONBOO，Hereisahealthtoyou：
Hereiswishingyouluck，youelderlybuck—
BARNABYBAMPTONBOO!
TheexcellentwomenofTuptonveeKnewSIRBARNABYBOO；
Oneofthemsurelyhisbridewouldbe，Butdickensasoulknewwho。
WomenofTuptonvee，HereisahealthtoyeForaBaronet，dears，youwouldcutoffyourears，WomenofTuptonvee!
HereareoldMR。andMRS。DEPLOW
（PETERhisChristianname），Theykeptsevenoxen，apig，andacow—
Farmingitwastheirgame。
WorthyoldPETERDEPLOW，Hereisahealthtothou：
Yourraceisn’trun，thoughyou’reseventy—one，WorthyoldPETERDEPLOW!
ToexcellentMR。andMRS。DEPLOW
CameSIRBARNABYBOO，Heaskedfortheirdaughter，andtold’emashowHewasasrichasaJew。
BARNABYBAMPTON’Swealth，Hereisyourjollygoodhealth：
I’dneverrepineifyoucametobemine，BARNABYBAMPTON’Swealth!
"OgreatSIRBARNABYBAMPTONBOO"
（SaidPLOWtothattitledswell），"Mymissushasgivenmedaughterstwo—
AMELIAandVOLATILENELL!"
AMELIAandVOLATILENELL，Ihopeyou’reuncommonlywell：
Youtwoprettypearls—youextremelynicegirls—
AMELIAandVOLATILENELL!
"AMELIAispassableonly，inface，But，oh!she’saworthygirl；
SuperiormoralslikeherswouldgraceThehomeofabeltedEarl。"
Morality，heavenlylink!
ToyouI’lleternallydrink：
I’mawfullyfondofthatheavenlybond，Morality，heavenlylink!
"NowNELLY’Stheprettier，p’raps，ofmygals，But，oh!she’sawaywardchit；
Shedressesherselfinhershowyfal—lals，Anddoesn’treadTUPPERabit!"
OTUPPER，philosophertrue，Howdoyouhappentodo？
Apublisherlookswithrespectonyourbooks，FortheyDOsell，philosophertrue!
TheBart。（I’llbehangedifIdrinkhimagain，Orcareifhe’sillorwell），HesneeredatthegoodnessofMILLYTHEPLAIN，AndcottonedtoVOLATILENELL!
OVOLATILENELLYDEP。!
BehangedifI’llemptytothee：
Ilikeworthymaids，notmerefrivolousjades，VOLATILENELLYDEP。!
Theybolted，theBart。andhisfrivolousdear，AndMILLYwaslefttopout；
Foryearsthey’vegotonverywell，asIhear，Butsoonhewillrueit，nodoubt。
OexcellentMILLYDEPLOW，Ireallycan’tdrinktoyounow；
Myheadisn’tstrong，andthesonghasbeenlong，ExcellentMILLYDEPLOW!
Ballad：TheModestCoupleWhenmanandmaidenmeet，Iliketoseeadroopingeye，Ialwaysdroopmyown—Iamtheshyestoftheshy。
I’malsofondofbashfulness，andsittingdownonthorns，Formodesty’saqualitythatwomankindadorns。
WheneverIamintroducedtoanyprettymaid，Mykneestheyknocktogether，justasifIwereafraid；
Iflutter，andIstammer，andIturnapleasingred，Fortolaugh，andflirt，andogleIconsidermostill—bred。
Butstillinallthesematters，asinotherthingsbelow，Thereisapropermedium，asI’mabouttoshow。
Idonotrecommendanewly—marriedpairtotryTocarryonasPETERcarriedonwithSARAHBLIGH。
Betrothedtheywerewhenveryyoung—beforethey’dlearnttospeak（ForSARAHwasbutsixdaysold，andPETERwasaweek）；
Thoughlittlemorethanbabiesatthoseearlyages，yetTheybashfullywouldfaintwhentheyoccasionallymet。
Theyblushed，andflushed，andfainted，tilltheyreachedtheageofnine，WhenPETER’Sgoodpapa（hewasaBaronoftheRhine）
DeterminedtoendeavoursomesoundargumenttofindTobringtheseshyyoungpeopletoaproperframeofmind。
HetoldthemthatasSARAHwastobehisPETER’Sbride，Theymightatleastconsenttositattablesidebyside；
Hebeggedthattheywouldnowandthenshakehands，tillhewashoarse，WhichSARAHthoughtindelicate，andPETERverycoarse。
AndPETERinatrembletotheblushingmaidwouldsay，"Youmustexcusepapa，MISSBLIGH，—itishismountainway。"
SaysSARAH，"HisbehaviourI’llendeavourtoforget，Butyourpapa’sthecoarsestpersonthatIevermet。
"Heplighteduswithoutourleave，whenwewereveryyoung，Beforewehadbegunarticulatingwiththetongue。
HisunderbredsuggestionsfillyourSARAHwithalarm；
Why，graciousme!he’llaskusnexttowalkoutarm—in—arm!"
AtlengthwhenSARAHreachedthelegalageoftwenty—one，TheBaronhedeterminedtounitehertohisson；
AndSARAHinafainting—fitforweeksunconsciouslay，AndPETERblushedsohardyoumighthaveheardhimmilesaway。
AndwhenthetimearrivedfortakingSARAHtohisheart，Theyweremarriedintwochurcheshalf—a—dozenmilesapart（Intendingtoescapeallpublicridiculeandchaff），Andtheservicewasconductedbyelectrictelegraph。
Andwhenitwasconcluded，andthepriesthadsaidhissay，Untilthetimearrivedwhentheywerebothtodriveaway，Theyneverspokeorofferedfortofondleortofawn，ForHEwaitedintheattic，andSHEwaitedonthelawn。
Atlength，whenfouro’clockarrived，anditwastimetogo，Thecarriagewasannounced，butdecentSARAHanswered"No!
Uponmyword，I’drathersleepmyeverlastingnap，ThangoandridealonewithMR。PETERinatrap。"
AndPETER’Sover—sensitiveandhighly—polishedmindWouldn’tsufferhimtosanctionaproceedingofthekind；
Andfurther，hedeclaredhesufferedoverwhelmingshocksAtthebareideaofhavinganycoachmanonthebox。
SoPETERintooneturn—outincontinentlyrushed，WhileSARAHinasecondtrapsatmodestlyandblushed；
AndMR。NEWMAN’Scoachman，onauthorityI’veheard，Droveawayingallantstyleuponthecoach—boxofathird。
Now，thoughthismodestcoupleinthematterofthecarWereverylikelycarryingaprincipletoofar，IholdtheirshybehaviourwasmorelaudableinthemThanthatofPETER’SbrotherwithMISSSARAH’SsisterEM。
ALPHONSO，whoincoolassuranceallcreationlicks，HeupandsaidtoEMMIE（whohadimpudenceforsix），"MISSEMILY，Iloveyou—willyoumarry？Saytheword!"
AndEMILYsaid，"Certainly，ALPHONSO，likeabird!"
Idonotrecommendanewly—marriedpairtotryTocarryonasPETERcarriedonwithSARAHBLIGH，ButstilltheirshybehaviourwasmorelaudableinthemThanthatofPETER’SbrotherwithMISSSARAH’SsisterEM。
Ballad：TheMartinetSometimeago，insimpleverseIsangthestorytrueOfCAPTAINREECE，theMANTELPIECE，Andallherhappycrew。
IshowedhowanycaptainmayAttachhismentohim，Ifhebutheedstheirsmallestneeds，Andstudieseverywhim。
Nowmarkhow，byDraconicruleAndHAUTEURill—advised，ThenoblestcrewupontheBlueMaybedemoralized。
WhenhisungratefulcountryplacedKindREECEuponhalf—pay，WithoutmuchclaimSIRBERKELYcame，Andtookcommandoneday。
SIRBERKELYwasamartinet—
Asternunyieldingsoul—
WhoruledhisshipbydintofwhipAndhorribleblack—hole。
AsailorwhowasovercomeFromhavingfreelydined，Andchancedtoreelwhenatthewheel，Heinstantlyconfined!
Andtarswho，whenanactionraged，Appearedalarmedorscared，Andthosebelowwhowishedtogo，Heveryseldomspared。
E’enhewhosmotehisofficerForpunishmentwasbooked，AndmutiniesupontheseasHerarelyoverlooked。
Inshort，thehappyMANTELPIECE，Whereallhadgonesowell，BeneaththatfoolSIRBERKELY’SruleBecameafloatinghell。
WhenfirstSIRBERKELYcameaboardHereadaspeechtoall，Andtoldthemhowhe’dmadeavowToactonduty’scall。
ThenWILLIAMLEE，heupandsaid（TheCaptain’scoxswainhe），"We’veheardthespeechyourhonour’smade，Andwerrypleasedwebe。
"Wewon’tpretend，mylad，ashowWe’regladtoloseourREECE；
Urbane，polite，hesuitedquiteThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
"ButifyourhonourgivesyourmindTostudyallourways，Withdanceandsongwe’lljogalongAsinthosehappydays。
"Ilikeyourhonour’slooks，andfeelYou’reworthyofyoursword。
Yourhand，mylad—I’mdoosidgladTowelcomeyouaboard!"
SIRBERKELYlookedamazed，asthoughHedidn’tunderstand。
"Don’tshakeyourhead，"goodWILLIAMsaid，"Itisanhonesthand。
"It’sgraspedabetterhandthanyourn—
Come，gov’nor，Iinsist!"
TheCaptainstared—thecoxswainglared—
Thehandbecameafist!
"Down，upstart!"saidthehardysalt；
ButBERKELYdodgedhisaim，Andmadehimgoinchainsbelow：
Theseamenmurmured"Shame!"
Hestoppedallsongsat12p。m。，Stoppedhornpipeswhenatsea，Andsworehiscot（orbunk）shouldnotBeusedbyaughtthanhe。
Heneverjoinedtheirdailymess，Noraskedthemtohisown，ButchaffedingayandsocialwayTheofficersalone。
HisFirstLieutenant，PETER，wasAsuselessascouldbe，Ahelplessstick，andalwayssickWhentherewasanysea。
ThisFirstLieutenantprovedtobeHisfoster—sisterMAY，WhowenttoseaforloveofheInmasculinearray。
Andwhenhelearntthecuriousfact，Didheemotionshow，OrdryhertearsorendherfearsBymarryingher？No!
OrdidheeventrytosootheThismaideninherteens？
Oh，no!—insteadhemadeherwedTheSergeantofMarines!
OfcoursesuchSpartandisciplineWouldmakeanangelfret；
Theydrewalot，andWILLIAMshotThisfearfulmartinet。
TheAdmiraltysawhowillThey’dtreatedCAPTAINREECE；
HewasrestoredoncemoreaboardThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
Ballad：TheSailorBoyToHisLassIgoawaythisblessedday，Tosailacrossthesea，MATILDA!
MyvesselstartsforvariouspartsAttwentyafterthree，MATILDA。
Ihardlyknowwherewemaygo，Orifit’snearorfar，MATILDA，ForCAPTAINHYDEdoesnotconfideInany’fore—masttar，MATILDA!
BeneathmybanthatmysticmanShallsuffer，COUTEQUICOUTE，MATILDA!
WhatrighthashetokeepfrommeTheAdmiraltyroute，MATILDA？
Because，forsooth!IamayouthOfcommonsailors’lot，MATILDA!
AmIamanonhumanplanDesigned，oramInot，MATILDA？
Butthere，mylass，we’llletthatpass!
WithanxiousloveIburn，MATILDA。
IwanttoknowifweshallgoTochurchwhenIreturn，MATILDA？
Youreyesarered，youbowyourhead；
It’sprettyclearyouthirst，MATILDA，Tonametheday—What’sthatyousay？
—"You’llseemefurtherfirst，"MATILDA？
Ican’tmistakethesignsyoumake，Althoughyoubarelyspeak，MATILDA；
Thoughpureandyoung，youthrustyourtongueRightinyourprettycheek，MATILDA!
Mydear，IfearIhearyousneer—
Ido—I’msureIdo，MATILDA!
Withsimplegraceyoumakeaface，Ejaculating，"Ugh!"MATILDA。
Oh，pausetothinkbeforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup，MATILDA!
Remember，do，whatI’vegonethrough，Beforeyougivemeup，MATILDA!
RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo，MATILDA!
AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt，allalongofyou，MATILDA!
Doyouforget，myblithesomepet，Howoncewithjealousrage，MATILDA，IwatchedyouwalkandgailytalkWithsomeonethriceyourage，MATILDA？
Yousquattedfreeuponhisknee，Asightthatmademesad，MATILDA!
Youpinchedhischeekwithfriendlytweak，Whichalmostdrovememad，MATILDA!
Iknewhimnot，buthopedtospotSomemanyouthoughttowed，MATILDA!
Itookagun，mydarlingone，Andshothimthroughthehead，MATILDA!
I’mmadeofstuffthat’sroughandgruffEnough，Iown；but，ah，MATILDA!
ItDIDannoyyoursailorboyTofinditwasyourpa，MATILDA!
I’vepassedalifeoftoilandstrife，Anddisappointmentsdeep，MATILDA；
I’velainawakewithdentalacheUntilIfellasleep，MATILDA!
AttimesagainI’vemissedatrain，Orp’rhapsrunshortoftin，MATILDA，Andwornabootoncornsthatshoot，Or，shaving，cutmychin，MATILDA。
But，oh!notrains—nodentalpains—
BelievemewhenIsay，MATILDA，Nocornsthatshoot—nopinchingbootUponasummerday，MATILDA—
It’smybelief，couldcausesuchgriefAsthatI’vesufferedfor，MATILDA，MyhavingshotinvitalspotYouroldprogenitor，MATILDA。
BethinkyouhowI’vekeptthevowImadeonewinterday，MATILDA—
That，comewhatcould，IneverwouldRemaintoolongaway，MATILDA。
And，oh!thecrimeswithwhich，attimes，I’vechargedmygentlemind，MATILDA，TokeepthevowImade—andnowYoutreatmesounkind，MATILDA!
Forwhenatsea，offCaribbee，Ifeltmypassionburn，MATILDA，Bypassionegged，IwentandbeggedThecaptaintoreturn，MATILDA。
Andwhen，mypet，Icouldn’tgetThatcaptaintoagree，MATILDA，RightthroughasortofopenportIpitchedhiminthesea，MATILDA!
Remember，too，howallthecrewWithindignationblind，MATILDA，Distinctlysworetheyne’erbeforeHadthoughtmesounkind，MATILDA。
Andhowthey’dshunmeonebyone—
Anunforgivinggroup，MATILDA—
IstoppedtheirhowlsandsulkyscowlsBypizeningtheirsoup，MATILDA!
Sopausetothink，beforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup，MATILDA；
Remember，do，whatI’vegonethrough，Beforeyougivemeup，MATILDA。
RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo，MATILDA，AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt，allalongofyou，MATILDA!
Ballad：TheReverendSimonMagusArichadvowson，highlyprized，Forprivatesalewasadvertised；
Andmanyaparsonmadeabid；
TheREVERENDSIMONMAGUSdid。
Hesoughttheagent’s："Agent，I
Havecomepreparedatoncetobuy（Ifyourdemandisnottoobig）
TheCureofOtium—cum—Digge。"
"Ah!"saidtheagent，"THERE’Saberth—
Thesnuggestvicarageonearth；
Nosortofduty（soIhear），Andfifteenhundredpoundsayear!
"Ifonthepriceweshouldagree，Thelivingsoonwillvacantbe；
Thegoodincumbent’sninetyfive，Andcannotverylongsurvive。
See—here’shisphotograph—yousee，He’sinhisdotage。""Ah，dearme!
Poorsoul!"saidSIMON。"HisdeceaseWouldbeamercifulrelease!"
Theagentlaughed—theagentblinked—
Theagentblewhisnoseandwinked—
Andpokedtheparson’sribsinplay—
Itwasthatagent’svulgarway。
TheREVERENDSIMONfrowned："IgrieveThislightdemeanourtoperceive；
It’sscarcelyCOMMEILFAUT，Ithink：
Now—prayobligeme—donotwink。
"Don’tdigmywaistcoatintoholes—
YourmissionistosellthesoulsOfhumansheepandhumankidsTothatdivinewhohighestbids。
"Dowellinthis，andonyourheadUnnumberedhonourswillbeshed。"
Theagentsaid，"Well，truthtotell，IHAVEbeendoingverywell。"
"Youshould，"saidSIMON，"atyourage；
Butnowabouttheparsonage。
Howmanyroomsdoesitcontain？
Showmethephotographagain。
"Apoorapostle’shumblehouseMustnotbetooluxurious；
Nostatelyhallswithoakenfloor—
Itshouldbedecentandnomore。
"Nobilliard—rooms—nostatelytrees—
Nocroquet—groundsorpineries。"
"Ah!"sighedtheagent，"verytrue：
Thispropertywon’tdoforyou。"
"Alltheseaboutthehouseyou’llfind。"—
"Well，"saidtheparson，"nevermind；
I’llmanagetosubmittotheseLuxurioussuperfluities。
"AclergymanwhodoesnotshirkThevariouscallsofChristianwork，WillhavenoleisuretoemployThese’commonforms’ofworldlyjoy。
"TopreachthreetimesonSabbathdays—
Toweanthelostfromwickedways—
Thesicktosoothe—thesanetowed—
Thepoortofeedwithmeatandbread；
"ThesearethevariouswholesomewaysInwhichI’llspendmynightsanddays：
MyzealwillhavenotimetocoolAtcroquet，archery，orpool。"
Theagentsaid，"FromwhatIhear，Thislivingwillnotsuit，Ifear—
Therearenopoor，nosickatall；
Forservicesthereisnocall。"
Thereverendgentlookedgrave，"Dearme!
ThenthereisNO’society’？—
Imean，ofcourse，nosinnersthereWhosesoulswillbemyspecialcare？"
Thecunningagentshookhishead，"No，none—except"—（theagentsaid）—
"TheDUKEOFA。，theEARLOFB。，TheMARQUISC。，andVISCOUNTD。
"Butyouwillnotbequitealone，Forthoughthey’vechaplainsoftheirown，Ofcoursethisnoblewell—bredclanReceivetheparishclergyman。"
"Oh，silence，sir!"saidSIMONM。，"Dukes—Earls!WhatshouldIcareforthem？
TheseworldlyranksIscornandflout!"
"Ofcourse，"theagentsaid，"nodoubt!"
"YetImightshowthesemenofbirthThehollownessofrankonearth。"
Theagentanswered，"Verytrue—
ButIshouldnot，ifIwereyou。"
"Whosellsthisrichadvowson，pray？"
Theagentwinked—itwashisway—
"HisnameisHART；’twixtmeandyou，Heis，I’mgrievedtosay，aJew!"
"AJew？"saidSIMON，"happyfind!
Ipurchasethisadvowson，mind。
MylifeshallbedevotedtoConvertingthatunhappyJew!"
Ballad：Damonv。PythiasTwobetterfriendsyouwouldn’tpassThroughoutasummer’sday，ThanDAMONandhisPYTHIAS，—
Twomerchantprincesthey。
AtschooltogethertheycontrivedAllsortsofboyishlarks；
And，lateron，togetherthrivedAsmerrymerchants’clerks。
Andthen，whenmanyyearshadflown，TheyrosetogethertillTheyboughtabusinessoftheirown—
Andtheyconductitstill。
Theylovedeachotheralltheirlives，Dissenttheyneverknew，And，strangerstill，theirverywivesWereratherfriendlytoo。
Perhapsyouthink，toservemyends，ThesestatementsIrefute，WhenIadmitthatthesedearfriendsWerepartiestoasuit？
But’twasafriendlyaction，forGoodPYTHIAS，asyousee，Foughtmerelyasexecutor，AndDAMONastrustee。
Theylaughedtothink，asthroughthethrongOfsuitorssadtheypassed，Thatthey，who’dlivedandlovedsolong，Shouldgotolawatlast。
ThejuniorbriefstheykindlyletTwosuckingcounselhold；
TheselearnedpersonsneveryetHadfingeredsuitors’gold。
ButthoughthehappysuitorstwoWerefriendlyascouldbe，NotsothejuniorcounselwhoWereearningmaidenfee。
Theytoo，tillthen，werefriends。AtschoolThey’ddoneeachother’ssums，AndunderOxford’sgentleruleHadbeentheclosestchums。
ButnowtheymetwithscowlandgrinIneverypublicplace，AndoftensnappedtheirfingersinEachother’slearnedface。
ItalmostendedinafightWhentheyonpathorstairMetfacetoface。TheymadeitquiteApersonalaffair。
Andwhenatlengththecasewascalled（Itcameonratherlate），SpectatorsreallywereappalledToseetheirdeadlyhate。
Onejuniorrose—witheyeballstense，Andswollenfrontalveins：
ToallhispowersofeloquenceHegavethefullestreins。
Hisargumentwasnovel—forAverdicthereliedOnblackeningthejuniorUpontheotherside。
"Oh，"saidtheJudge，inrobeandfur，"ThematterindisputeToarbitrationprayrefer—
Thisisafriendlysuit。"
AndPYTHIAS，inmerrymood，DiggedDAMONintheside；
AndDAMON，tickledwiththefeud，Withotherdigsreplied。
Butoh!thosedeadlycounseltwain，Whoweresuchfriendsbefore，Wereneverreconciledagain—
Theyquarrelledmoreandmore。
AtlengthithappenedthattheymetOnAlpineheightsoneday，Andthustheypaideachonehisdebt，Theirfuryhaditsway—
Theyseizedeachotherinatrice，Withscornandhatredfilled，And，fallingfromaprecipice，They，bothofthem，werekilled。
Ballad：MyDreamTheothernight，fromcaresexempt，Islept—andwhatd’youthinkIdreamt？
IdreamtthatsomehowIhadcomeTodwellinTopsy—Turveydom—
Whereviceisvirtue—virtue，vice：
Whereniceisnasty—nasty，nice：
Whererightiswrongandwrongisright—
Wherewhiteisblackandblackiswhite。
Wherebabies，muchtotheirsurprise，Arebornastonishinglywise；
WitheveryScienceontheirlips，AndArtatalltheirfinger—tips。
For，astheirnursesdandlethemTheycrowbinomialtheorem，Withviews（itseemsabsurdtous）
Ondifferentialcalculus。
Butthoughababe，asIhavesaid，Isbornwithlearninginhishead，Hemustforgetit，ifhecan，Beforehecallshimselfaman。
Forthatwhichwecallfollyhere，Iswisdominthatfavouredsphere；
ThewisdomwesohighlyprizeIsblatantfollyintheireyes。
Aboy，ifhewouldpushhisway，Mustlearnsomenonsenseeveryday；
Andcut，tocarryoutthisview，Hiswisdomteethandwisdomtoo。
Historiansburntheirmidnightoils，Intentongiant—killers’toils；
AndsagesclosetheiragedeyesToothersages’lullabies。
Ourmagistrates，indutybound，Commitallrobberswhoarefound；
ButtheretheBeaks（sopeoplesaid）
Commitallrobberiesinstead。
OurJudges，pureandwiseintone，Knowcrimefromtheoryalone，AndgleanthemotivesofathiefFrombooksandpopularbelief。
Butthere，aJudgewhowantstoprimeHismindwithtrueideasofcrime，DerivesthemfromthecommonsenseOfpracticalexperience。
PolicemenmarchallfolksawayWhopractisevirtueeveryday—
Ofcourse，Imeantosay，youknow，Whatwecallvirtueherebelow。
ForonlyscoundrelsdaretodoWhatweconsiderjustandtrue，Andonlygoodmendo，infact，Whatweshouldthinkadirtyact。
Butstrangestofthesesocialtwirls，Thegirlsareboys—theboysaregirls!
Themenarewomen，too—butthen，PERCONTRA，womenallaremen。
ToonewhototraditionclingsThisseemsanawkwardstateofthings，Butiftothinkitoutyoutry，Itdoesn’treallysignify。
Withthem，assurelyascanbe，Asailorshouldbesickatsea，AndnotapassengermaysailWhocannotsmokerightthroughagale。
Asoldier（savebyrarestluck）
Isalwaysshotforshowingpluck（Thatis，ifotherscanbefoundWithpluckenoughtofirearound）。
"Howstrange!"IsaidtooneIsaw；
"Youquiteupsetoureverylaw。
HowevercanyougetalongSosystematicallywrong？"
"Dearme!"mymadinformantsaid，"Haveyounoeyeswithinyourhead？
Yousneerwhenyouyourhatshoulddoff：
Why，webeginwhereyouleaveoff!
"YourwisestmenareveryfarLesslearnedthanourbabiesare!"
Imusedawhile—andthen，ohme!
Iframedthisbrilliantrepartee：
"AlthoughyourbabesarewiserfarThanourmostvaluedsagesare，Yoursages，withtheirtoysandcots，Aredullerthanouridiots!"
Butthisremark，Igrievetostate，CamejustalittlebittoolateForasIframeditinmyhead，Iwokeandfoundmyselfinbed。
StillIcouldwishthat，’steadofhere，Mylotwereinthatfavouredsphere!—
WheregreatestfoolsbearoffthebellIoughttodoextremelywell。
Ballad：TheBishopOfRum—Ti—FooAgainIoftenwonderwhetheryouThinksometimesofthatBishop，whoFromblackbutbalmyRum—ti—FooLastsummertwelvemonthcame。
UntoyourmindIp’r’apsmaybringRemembranceofthemanIsingTo—day，bysimplymentioningThatPETERwashisname。
RememberhowthatholymanCamewiththegreatColonialclanToSynod，calledPan—Anglican；
AndkindlyrecollectHow，havingcrossedtheoceanwide，TopleasehisflockallmeanshetriedConsistentwithaproperprideAndmanlyself—respect。
Heonly，ofthereverendpackWhoministertoChristiansblack，BroughtanyusefulknowledgebackTohisColonialfold。
InconsequenceaplaceIclaimFor"PETER"onthescrollofFame（ForPETERwasthatBishop’sname，AsI’vealreadytold）。
HecarriedArt，heoftensaid，Toplaceswherethattimidmaid（SavebyColonialBishops’aid）
Couldneverhopetoroam。
ThePayne—cum—LaurifeathetaughtAshehadlearntit；forhethoughtThechoicestfruitsofProgressoughtToblesstheNegro’shome。
Andhehadotherworktodo，For，whilehetossedupontheBlue，TheislandersofRum—ti—FooForgottheirkindlyfriend。
Theirdecentclothestheylearnttotear—
Theylearnttosay，"Idonotcare，"
Thoughthey，ofcourse，werewellawareHowfolks，whosayso，end。
Somesailors，whomhedidnotknow，Hadlandedtherenotlongago，Andtaughtthem"Bother!"also，"Blow!"
（Ofwickednessthegerms）。
Noneedtouseacasuist’spenToprovethattheyweremerchantmen；
NosailoroftheRoyalN。
Wouldusesuchawfulterms。
Andso，whenBISHOPPETERcame（ThatwasthekindlyBishop’sname），Heheardthesedreadfuloathswithshame，Andchidtheirwantofdress。
（Exceptashell—abanglerare—
Afeatherhere—afeatherthereTheSouthPacificNegroeswearTheirnativenothingness。）
HetaughtthemthataBishoploathesTolistentodisgracefuloaths，Hegavethemallhisleft—offclothes—
Theybentthemtohiswill。
TheBishop’sgiftspreadsquicklyround；
InPETER’Sleft—offclothestheybound（Histhree—and—twentysuitstheyfoundInfairconditionstill）。
TheBishop’seyeswithwaterfill，QuiteoverjoyedtofindthemstillObedienttohissovereignwill，Andsaid，"GoodRum—ti—Foo!
Half—wayI’llmeetyou，Ideclare：
I’lldressmyselfincowriesrare，Andfastenfeathersinmyhair，Anddancethe’Cutch—chi—boo!’"（11）
AndtoconciliatehisSeeHemarriedPICCADILLILLEE，Theyoungestofhistwenty—three，Tall—neitherfatnorthin。
（AndthoughthedresshemadeherdonLooksawkwardlyagirlupon，ItwasagreatimprovementonTheonehefoundherin。）
TheBishopinhisgaycanoe（Hiswife，ofcourse，wentwithhimtoo）
Tosomeadjacentislandflew，Tospendhishoneymoon。
SomedayinsunnyRum—ti—FooAlittlePETER’llbeonview；
Andthat（ifpeopletellmetrue）
Isliketohappensoon。
Ballad：AWormWillTurnIloveamanwho’llsmileandjokeWhenwithmisfortunecrowned；
Who’llpunbeneathapauper’syoke，Andashebreakshisdailytoke，Conundrumsgaypropound。
JustsuchamanwasBERNARDJUPP，HescoffedatFortune’sfrown；
Hegailydrainedhisbittercup—
ThoughFortuneoftenthrewhimup，Itnevercasthimdown。
Thoughyearstheirshareofsorrowbring，WeknowthatfaraboveAllothergriefs，aregriefsthatspringFromsomemisfortunehappeningTothosewereallylove。
E’ensorrowforanother’swoeOurBERNARDfailedtoquell；
ThoughbythisspecialformofblowNopersoneversufferedso，Orborehisgriefsowell。
Hisfather，wealthyandwellclad，Andowninghouseandpark，Losteveryhalfpennyhehad，Andthenbecame（extremelysad!）
Apoorattorney’sclerk。
Allsonsitsurelywouldappal，Exceptthepassingmeek，Toseeafatherlosehisall，AndfromanindependencefallToonepoundtenaweek!
ButJUPPshookoffthissorrow’sweight，And，likeaChristianson，ProvedPovertyahappyfate—
ProvedWealthtobeadevil’sbait，Tolurepoorsinnerson。
WithothersorrowsBERNARDcoped，Forsorrowscameinpacks；
Hiscousinswiththeirhousemaidssloped—
Hisunclesforged—hisauntseloped—
Hissistersmarriedblacks。
ButBERNARD，farfrommurmuring（Exemplar，friends，tous），Determinedtohisfaithtocling，—
Hemadethebestofeverything，Andarguedsoftlythus：
"’Twereharshmyuncles’forgingknackToorudelytocondemn—
Myaunts，repentant，maycomeback，AndblacksarenothinglikeasblackAspeoplecolourthem!"
StillFate，withmanyasorrowrife，Maintainedrelentlessfight：
Hisgrandmammanextlostherlife，Thendiedthemotherofhiswife，Butstillheseemedallright。
Hisbrotherfond（theonlylinkTolifethatboundhimnow）
Onemorning，overcomebydrink，Hebrokehisleg（theright，Ithink）
Insomedisgracefulrow。
ButdidmyBERNARDswearandcurse？
Ohno—tomurmurloth，Heonlysaid，"Go，getanurse：
Bethankfulthatitisn’tworse；
Youmighthavebrokenboth!"
ButwormswhowatchwithoutconcernThecockchaferonthorns，Orbeetlessmashed，themselveswillturnIf，walkingthroughtheslipperyfern，Youtreadupontheircorns。
OnenightasBERNARDmadehistrackThroughBromptonhometobed，Afootpad，withavizorblack，Tookwatchandpurse，anddealtacrackOnBERNARD’Ssaint—likehead。
Itwastoomuch—hisspiritrose，Helookedextremelycross。
Menthoughthimsteeledtomortalfoes，Butno—hebowedtocountlessblows，Butkickedagainstthisloss。
HefinallymadeuphismindUponhisfriendstocall；
Subscriptionlistswerelargelysigned，FormenwerereallygladtofindHimmortal，afterall!
Ballad：TheHaughtyActorAnactor—GIBBS，ofDruryLane—
Ofverydecentstation，OncehappenedinaparttogainExcessiveapprobation：
Itsometimesturnsafellow’sbrainAndmakeshimsingularlyvainWhenhebelievesthathereceivesTremendousapprobation。
Hisgreatsuccesshalfdrovehimmad，Butnooneseemedtomindhim；
Well，inanotherpiecehehadAnotherpartassignedhim。
Thispartwassmaller，byabit，Thanthatinwhichhemadeahit。
So，muchill—used，hestraightrefusedToplaythepartassignedhim。
********
THATNIGHTTHATACTORSLEPT，ANDI’LLATTEMPT
TOTELLYOUOFTHEVIVIDDREAMHEDREAMT。
THEDREAM。
Infightingwitharobberband（Athinghelovedsincerely）
AswordstruckGIBBSuponthehand，Andwoundeditseverely。
Atfirsthedidn’theeditmuch，Hethoughtitwasasimpletouch，Butsoonhefoundtheweapon’sboundHadwoundedhimseverely。
ToSurgeonCOBBhemadeatrip，Who’djusteffectedfeatlyAnamputationatthehipParticularlyneatly。
ArisingmanwasSurgeonCOBB
ButthisextremelyticklishjobHehadachieved（ashebelieved）
Particularlyneatly。
Theactorrangthesurgeon’sbell。
"Observemywoundedfinger，Begoodenoughtostrapitwell，Andpritheedonotlinger。
ThatI，dearsir，mayfillagainTheTheatreRoyalDruryLane：
ThisverynightIhavetofight—
Sopritheedonotlinger。"
"Idon’tstrapfingersupfordoles，"
Repliedthehaughtysurgeon；
"Touseyourcant，Idon’tplayROLES
Utilitythatvergeon。
Firstamputation—nothingless—
Thatismylineofbusiness：
WesurgeonnobsdespisealljobsUtilitythatvergeon"Wheninyourhiptherelurksdisease"
（Sodreamtthislivelydreamer），"OrdevastatingCARIES
InHUMERUSorFEMUR，Ifyoucanpayahandsomefee，Oh，thenyoumayrememberme—
WithjoyelateI’llamputateYourHUMERUSorFEMUR。"
ThedisconcertedactorceasedThehaughtyleechtopester，Butwhenthewoundinsizeincreased，Andthenbegantofester，HesoughtalearnedCounsel’slair，AndtoldthatCounsel，thenandthere，HowCOBB’SneglectofhisdefectHadmadehisfingerfester。
"Oh，bringmyaction，ifyouplease，ThecaseIprayyouurgeon，AndwinmethumpingdamagesFromCOBB，thathaughtysurgeon。
HeculpablyneglectedmeAlthoughIprofferedhimhisfee，Sopraycomedown，inwigandgown，OnCOBB，thathaughtysurgeon!"
ThatCounsellearnedinthelaws，Withpassionalmosttrembled。
HejusthadgainedamightycauseBeforethePeersassembled!
Saidhe，"HowdareyouhavethefaceTocomewithCommonJurycaseToonewhowingsrhetoricflingsBeforethePeersassembled？"
Dispiritedbecameourfriend—
Depressedhismoralpecker—
"Butstay!athought!—I’llgainmyend，Andsavemypoorexchequer。
Iwon’tbeplacedupontheshelf，I’lltakeitintoCourtmyself，AndlegalloredisplaybeforeTheCourtoftheExchequer。"
HefoundaBaron—oneofthoseWhowithourlawssupplyus—
Inwigandsilkengownandhose，AsifatNISIPRIUS。
Buthe’djustgiven，offthereel，AfamousjudgmentonAppeal：
ItscarcebecamehisheightenedfameTositatNISIPRIUS。
Ourfriendbegan，witheasywit，Thathalfconcealedhisterror：
"Pooh!"saidtheJudge，"IonlysitInBANCOorinError。
Canyousuppose，myman，thatI’dO’erNISIPRIUSCourtspreside，OrcondescendmytimetospendOnanythingbutError？"
"Toobad，"saidGIBBS，"mycasetoshirk!
Youmustbebadinnately，TosaveyourskillformightyworkBecauseit’svaluedgreatly!"
Butherehewoke，withsuddenstart。
********
Hewrotetosayhe’dplaythepart。
I’vebuttotellheplayeditwell—
Theauthor’swords—hisnativewitCombined，achievedaperfect"hit"—
Thepaperspraisedhimgreatly。
Ballad：TheTwoMajorsAnexcellentsoldierwho’sworthythenameLovesofficersdashingandstrict：
Whengood，he’scontentwithescapingallblame，Whennaughty，helikestobelicked。
Helikesforafaulttobebulliedandstormed，Orimprisonedforseveraldays，Andhates，foradutycorrectlyperformed，Tobeslaveredwithsickeningpraise。
NoofficersickenedwithpraiseshisCORPS
SolittleasMAJORLAGUERRE—
NoofficersworeathiswarriorsmoreThanMAJORMAKREDIPREPERE。
Theirsoldiersadoredthem，andeverygradeDelightedtoheartheirabuse；
ThoughwhenevertheseofficerscameonparadeTheyshiveredandshookintheirshoes。
For，oh!ifLAGUERREcouldallpraiseswithhold，Why，socouldMAKREDIPREPERE，And，oh!ifMAKREDIcouldblusterandscold，Why，socouldthemightyLAGUERRE。
"Nodoubtwedeserveit—nomercywecrave—
Goon—you’reconferringaboon；
Wewouldratherbeslangedbyawarriorbrave，Thanpraisedbyawretchedpoltroon!"
MAKREDIwouldsaythatinbattle’sfiercerageTruehappinessonlywasmet：
PoorMAJORMAKREDI，thoughfiftyhisage，Hadneverknownhappinessyet!
LAGUERREwoulddeclare，"WiththebloodofafoeNotippleisworthytoclink。"
Poorfellow!hehadn’t，thoughsixtyorso，Yettastedhisfavouritedrink!
Theyagreedattheirmess—theyagreedintheglass—
Theyagreedinthechoiceoftheir"set，"
Andtheyalsoagreedinadoring，alas!
TheVivandiere，prettyFILLETTE。
Agreement，yousee，maybecarriedtoofar，AndafteragreeingallroundForyears—inthissoldierly"maidofthebar，"
Aboneofcontentiontheyfound!
Itmayseemimpropertocallsuchapet—
Byametaphor，even—abone；
Butthoughtheyagreedinadoringher，yetEachwantedtomakeherhisown。
"Onthedaythatyoumarryher，"mutteredPREPERE
（Withapistolhequietlyplayed），"I’llscatterthebrainsinyournoddle，Iswear，Alloverthestonyparade!"
"IcannotdoTHATtoyou，"answeredLAGUERRE，"Whatevereventsmaybefall；
ButthisICANdo—IFYOUwedher，MONCHER!
I’lleatyou，moustachiosandall!"
Therivals，althoughtheywouldneverengage，Yetquarrelledwhenevertheymet；
Theymetinafuryandleftinarage，ButneithertookprettyFILLETTE。
"Iamnotafraid，"thoughtMAKREDIPREPERE：
"ForcountryI’mreadytofall；
Butnobodywants，foramereVivandiere，Tobeeaten，moustachiosandall!
"Besides，thoughLAGUERREhashisfaults，I’llallowHe’soneofthebravestofmen：
Mygoodness!ifIdisagreewithhimnow，Imightdisagreewithhimthen。"
"NocowardamI，"saidLAGUERRE，"asyouguess—
Isneeratanenemy’sblade；
ButIdon’twantPREPEREtogetintoamessForsplashingthestonyparade!"
OnedayonparadetoPREPEREandLAGUERRE
CameCORPORALJACOTDEBETTE，Andtremblingallover，heprayedofthemthereTogivehimtheprettyFILLETTE。
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