Contents：
MisterWilliamTheBumboatWoman’sStoryTheTwoOgresLittleOliverPashaBaileyBenLieutenant—ColonelFlareLostMr。BlakeTheBaby’sVengeanceTheCaptainAndTheMermaidsAnnieProtheroe。ALegendofStratford—Le—BowAnUnfortunateLikenessGregoryParable，LL。D。
TheKingOfCanoodle—DumFirstLoveBraveAlumBeySirBarnabyBamptonBooTheModestCoupleTheMartinetTheSailorBoyToHisLassTheReverendSimonMagusDamonv。PythiasMyDreamTheBishopOfRum—Ti—FooAgainAWormWillTurnTheHaughtyActorTheTwoMajorsEmily，John，James，AndI。ADerbyLegendThePerilsOfInvisibilityOldPaulAndOldTimTheMysticSelvageeTheCunningWomanPhrenologyTheFairyCurateTheWayOfWooingHongreeAndMahry。ARecollectionOfASurreyMelodramaEtiquetteBallad：MisterWilliamOh，listentothetaleofMISTERWILLIAM，ifyouplease，Whomnaughty，naughtyjudgessentawaybeyondtheseas。
Heforgedaparty’swill，whichcausedanxietyandstrife，Resultinginhisgettingpenalservitudeforlife。
Hewasakindlygoodlyman，andnaturallyprone，Insteadoftakingothers’gold，togiveawayhisown。
ButhehadheardofVice，andlongedforonlyoncetostrike—
ToplanONElittlewickedness—toseewhatitwaslike。
Hearguedwithhimself，andsaid，"AspotlessmanamI；
Ican’tbemorerespectable，howeverhardItry!
ForsixandthirtyyearsI’vealwaysbeenasgoodasgold，AndnowforhalfanhourI’llplaninfamyuntold!
"Ababywhoiswickedattheearlyageofone，Andthenreforms—anddiesatthirty—sixaspotlessson，Isnever，neversaddledwithhisbabyhood’sdefect，Butearnsfromworthymenconsiderationandrespect。
"SoonewhoneverrevelledindiscreditabletricksUntilhereachedthecomfortableageofthirty—six，Maythenforhalfanhourperpetrateadeedofshame，Withoutincurringpermanentdisgrace，orevenblame。
"Thatbabiesdon’tcommitsuchcrimesasforgeryistrue，Butlittlesinsdevelop，ifyouleave’emtoaccrue；
Andhewhoshunsallvicesassuccessiveseasonsroll，Shouldreapatlengththebenefitofsomuchself—control。
"Thecommonsinofbabyhood—objectingtobedrest—
Ifyouleaveittoaccumulateatcompoundinterest，Foranythingyouknow，mayrepresent，ifyou’realive，Aburglaryormurderattheageofthirty—five。
"Still，Iwouldn’ttakeadvantageofthisfact，butbecontentWithsomepardonablefolly—it’samereexperiment。
Thegreaterthetemptationtogowrong，thelessthesin；
Sowithsomethingthat’sparticularlytemptingI’llbegin。
"Iwouldnotstealapenny，formyincome’sveryfair—
Idonotwantapenny—Ihavepenniesandtospare—
AndifIstoleapennyfromamoney—bagortill，Thesinwouldbeenormous—thetemptationbeingNIL。
"ButifIbrokeasunderallsuchpettifoggingbounds，Andforgedaparty’sWillfor（say）FiveHundredThousandPounds，Withsuchanirresistibletemptationtoahaul，Ofcoursethesinmustbeinfinitesimallysmall。
"There’sWILSONwhoisdying—hehaswealthfromStockandrent—
IfIdiverthisrichesfromtheirnaturaldescent，I’mplacedinapositiontoindulgeeachlittlewhim。"
Sohedivertedthem—andthey，inturn，divertedhim。
Unfortunately，though，bysomeunpardonableflaw，Temptationisn’trecognizedbyBritain’sCommonLaw；
Menfoundhimoutbysomepeculiarityoftouch，AndWILLIAMgota"lifer，"whichannoyedhimverymuch。
For，ah!heneverreconciledhimselftolifeingaol，Hefrettedandhepined，andgrewdispiritedandpale；
Hewasnumberedlikeacabman，too，whichtolduponhimsoThathisspirits，oncesobuoyant，grewuncomfortablylow。
Andsympatheticgaolerswouldremark，"It’sverytrue，Heain’tbeenbroughtupcommon，likethelikesofmeandyou。"
Sotheytookhimintohospital，andgavehimmuttonchops，Andchocolate，andarrowroot，andbuns，andmaltandhops。
KindClergymen，besides，grewinterestedinhisfate，Affectedbythedetailsofhispitiablestate。
TheywaitedontheSecretary，somewhereinWhitehall，Whosaidhewouldreceivethemanydaytheylikedtocall。
"Consider，sir，thehardshipofthisinterestingcase：
Aprisonlifebringswithitsomethingverylikedisgrace；
It’stellingonyoungWILLIAM，who’sreducedtoskinandbone—
Rememberhe’sagentleman，withmoneyofhisown。
"Hehadanampleincome，andofcoursehestandsinneedOfsherrywithhisdinner，andhiscustomaryweed；
Nodelicaciesnowcanpasshisgentlemanlylips—
Hemisseshissea—bathingandhiscontinentaltrips。
"Hesaystheotherprisonersarecommonplaceandrude；
Hesayshecannotrelishuncongenialprisonfood。
WhenquiteaboytheytaughthimtodistinguishGoodfromBad，Andothereducationaladvantageshe’shad。
"Aburglarorgarotter，or，indeed，acommonthiefIsverygladtobattenonpotatoesandonbeef，Oranything，inshort，thatprisonkitchenscanafford，—
Acutabovethedietinacommonworkhouseward。
"Butbeefandmutton—brothdon’tseemtosuitourWILLIAM’S
whim，Aboontootherprisoners—apunishmenttohim。
ItneverwasintendedthatthedisciplineofgaolShoulddashaconvict’sspirits，sir，ormakehimthinorpale。"
"GoodGraciousMe!"thatsympatheticSecretarycried，"SupposeinprisonfettersMISTERWILLIAMshouldhavedied!
Dearme，ofcourse!ImprisonmentforLIFEhissentencesaith：
I’mverygladyoumentionedit—itmighthavebeenForDeath!
"Releasehimwithaticket—he’llbebetterthen，nodoubt，AndtellhimIapologize。"SoMISTERWILLIAM’Sout。
Ihopehewillbecarefulinhismanuscripts，I’msure，Andnotbeginexperimentalizinganymore。
Ballad：TheBumboatWoman’sStoryI’mold，mydears，andshrivelledwithage，andwork，andgrief，Myeyesaregone，andmyteethhavebeendrawnbyTime，theThief!
ForterriblesightsI’veseen，anddangersgreatI’verun—
I’mnearlyseventynow，andmyworkisalmostdone!
Ah!I’vebeenyounginmytime，andI’veplayedthedeucewithmen!
I’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen：
Mycheeksweremellowandsoft，andmyeyeswerelargeandsweet，POLLPINEAPPLE’SeyeswerethestandingtoastoftheRoyalFleet!
AbumboatwomanwasI，andIfaithfullyservedtheshipsWithapplesandcakes，andfowls，andbeer，andhalfpennydips，Andbeefforthegenerousmess，wheretheofficersdineatnights，Andfinefreshpeppermintdropsfortherollickingmidshipmites。
OfallthekindcommanderswhoanchoredinPortsmouthBay，ByfarthesweetestofallwaskindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。’
LIEUTENANTBELAYEcommandedthegunboatHOTCROSSBUN，Shewassevenandthirtyfeetinlength，andshecarriedagun。
Withalaudableviewofenhancinghiscountry’snavalpride，Whenpeopleinquiredhersize，LIEUTENANTBELAYEreplied，"Oh，myship，myshipisthefirstoftheHundredandSeventy—
ones!"
Whichmeanthertonnage，butpeopleimagineditmeantherguns。
WheneverIwentonboardhewouldbeckonmedownbelow，"Comedown，LittleButtercup，come"（forhelovedtocallmeso），Andhe’dtellofthefightsatseainwhichhe’dtakenapart，AndsoLIEUTENANTBELAYEwonpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Sheart!
Butatlengthhisorderscame，andhesaidoneday，saidhe，"I’morderedtosailwiththeHOTCROSSBUNtotheGermanSea。"
AndthePortsmouthmaidensweptwhentheylearnttheevilday，ForeveryPortsmouthmaidlovedgoodLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
AndIwenttoabackbackstreet，withplentyofcheapcheapshops，AndIboughtanoilskinhatandasecond—handsuitofslops，AndIwenttoLIEUTENANTBELAYE（andheneversuspectedME!）
AndIenteredmyselfasachapaswantedtogotosea。
Wesailedthatafternoonatthemystichourofone，—
RemarkablyniceyoungmenwerethecrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN，I’msorrytosaythatI’veheardthatsailorssometimesswear，ButIneveryetheardaBUNsayanythingwrong，Ideclare。
WhenJackTarsmeet，theymeetwitha"Messmate，ho!Whatcheer？"
Buthere，ontheHOTCROSSBUN，itwas"Howdoyoudo，mydear？"
WhenJackTarsgrowl，IbelievetheygrowlwithabigbigD—
ButthestrongestoathoftheHOTCROSSBUNSwasamild"Dearme!"
Yet，thoughtheywereallwell—bred，youcouldscarcelycallthemslick：
Wheneveraseawason，theywereallextremelysick；
Andwhenevertheweatherwascalm，andthewindwaslightandfair，Theyspentmoretimethanasailorshouldonhisbackbackhair。
Theycertainlyshiveredandshookwhenorderedalofttorun，AndtheyscreamedwhenLIEUTENANTBELAYEdischargedhisonlygun。
Andashewasproudofhisgun—suchprideishardlywrong—
TheLieutenantwasblazingawayatintervalsalldaylong。
Theyallagreedverywell，thoughattimesyouhearditsaidThatBILLhadawayofhisownofmakinghislipslookred—
ThatJOElookedquitehisage—orsomebodymightdeclareThatBARNACLE’Slongpig—tailwasneverhisownownhair。
BELAYEwouldadmitthathismenwereofnogreatusetohim，"But，then，"hewouldsay，"thereislittletodoonagunboattrimIcanhand，andreef，andsteer，andfiremybigguntoo—
AnditISsuchatreattosailwithagentlewell—bredcrew。"
Isawhimeveryday。Howthehappymomentssped!
Reeftopsails!Makealltaut!There’sdirtyweatherahead!
（IdonotmeanthattempeststhreatenedtheHOTCROSSBUN，InTHATcase，Idon’tknowwhateverweSHOULDhavedone!）
Afterafortnight’scruise，weputintoportoneday，AndoffonleaveforaweekwentkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE，Andafteralonglongweekhadpassed（anditseemedlikealife），LIEUTENANTBELAYEreturnedtohisshipwithafairyoungwife!
Heup，andhesays，sayshe，"OcrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN，Hereisthewifeofmyheart，fortheChurchhasmadeusone!"
Andasheutteredtheword，thecrewwentoutoftheirwits，Andallfelldowninsomanyseparatefainting—fits。
Andthentheirhaircamedown，oroff，asthecasemightbe，Andlo!therestofthecrewweresimplegirls，likeme，Whoallhadfledfromtheirhomesinasailor’sbluearray，TofollowtheshiftingfateofkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
********
It’sstrangetothinkthatIshouldeverhavelovedyoungmen，ButI’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen，Andnowmycheeksarefurrowedwithgriefandage，Itrow!
AndpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Seyeshavelosttheirlustrenow!
Ballad：TheTwoOgresGoodchildren，list，ifyou’reinclined，Andwickedchildrentoo—
ThisprettyballadisdesignedEspeciallyforyou。
TwoogresdweltinWickhamWold—
EachTRAITSdistinctivehad：
Theyoungerwasasgoodasgold，Theelderwasasbad。
Awicked，disobedientsonWasJAMESM’ALPINE，andAcontrasttotheelderone，GoodAPPLEBODYBLAND。
M’ALPINE—bruteslikehimarefew—
Ingreedinessdelights，AmelancholyvictimtoUnchastenedappetites。
Good，well—bredchildreneverydayHeravenouslyate，—
AllboyswerefishwhofoundtheirwayIntoM’ALPINE’Snet：
Boyswhosegoodbreedingisinnate，Whosesumsarealwaysright；
Andboyswhodon’texpostulateWhensenttobedatnight；
AndkindlyboyswhoneversearchThenestsofbirdsofsong；
Andseriousboysforwhom，inchurch，Nosermonistoolong。
ContrastwithJAMES’SgreedyhasteAndcomprehensivehand，ThenicediscriminatingtasteOfAPPLEBODYBLAND。
BLANDonlyeatsbadboys，whoswear—
WhoCANbehave，butDON’T—
Disgracefulladswhosay"don’tcare，"
And"shan’t，"and"can’t，"and"won’t。"
Whowettheirshoesandlearntobox，Andsaywhatisn’ttrue，Whobitetheirnailsandjamtheirfrocks，Andmakelongnosestoo；
Whokickanurse’sagedshin，Andsitinsulkymopes；
AndboyswhotwirlpoorkittensinDistractingzoetropes。
ButJAMES，whenhewasquiteayouth，Hadoftenbeentoschool，Andthoughsobad，totellthetruth，Hewasn’tquiteafool。
Atlogicfewwithhimcouldvie；
TohispeculiarsectHecouldproposeafallacyWithsingulareffect。
So，whenhisMentorssaid，"Expound—
Whyeatgoodchildren—why？"
UponhisMentorshewouldroundWiththisabsurdreply：
"Ihavebeentaughttolovethegood—
Thepure—theunalloyed—
Andwickedboys，I’veunderstood，Ialwaysshouldavoid。
"WhydoIeatgoodchildren—why？
BecauseIlovethemso!"
（Butthiswasemptysophistry，AsyourPapacanshow。）
Now，thoughthelearningofhisfriendsWastrulynotimmense，TheyhadawayoffittingendsByruleofcommonsense。
"Away，away!"hisMentorscried，"Thouuncongenialpest!
Aquirk’sathingwecan’tabide，Aquibblewedetest!
"AfallacyinyourreplyOurintellectdescries，Althoughwedon’tpretendtospyExactlywhereitlies。
"InmiseryandpenalwoesMustendaglutton’sjoys；
AndlearnhowogrespunishthoseWhodaretoeatgoodboys。
"Securedbyfetter，cramp，andchain，Andgaggedsecurely—so—
YoushallbeplacedinDruryLane，Whereonlygoodladsgo。
"Surroundedtherebyvirtuousboys，You’llsuffertorturewusThanthatwhichconstantlyannoysDisgracefulTANTALUS。
（"IfyouwouldlearnthewoesthatvexPoorTANTALUS，downthere，PrayborrowofPapaanex—
PurgatedLEMPRIERE。）
"ButasforBLANDwho，asitseems，Eatsonlynaughtyboys，We’veplannedarecompensethatteemsWithgastronomicjoys。
"WherewickedyouthsincrowdsarestowedHeshallunquestionedrule，AndhavetherunofHackneyRoadReformatorySchool!"
Ballad：LittleOliverEARLJOYCEhewasakindoldpartyWhomnothingevercouldputout，Thougheighty—two，hestillwashearty，Exceptingasregardedgout。
Hehadoneunexampleddaughter，TheLADYMINNIE—HAHAJOYCE，FairMINNIE—HAHA，"LaughingWater，"
Socalledfromhermelodiousvoice。
ByNatureplannedforlover—capture，Herbeautyeveryheartassailed；
ThegoodoldnoblemanwithraptureObservedhowwidelysheprevailedAlooffromallthelordlyflockingsOftitledswellswhoworshippedher，Therestood，inpumpsandcottonstockings，Onehumblelover—OLIVER。
HewasnopeerbyFortunepetted，Hisnamerecallednobygoneage；
Hewasnolordlingcoronetted—
Alas!hewasasimplepage!
Withvainappealsheneverboredher，Butstoodinsilentsorrowby—
Heknewhowfondlyheadoredher，Andknew，alas!howhopelessly!
WellgroundedbyavillagetutorInlanguagesaliveandpast，He’dsayuntohimself，"Knee—suitor，Oh，donotgobeyondyourlast!"
Butthoughhisnamecouldboastnohandle，Hecouldnoteveryhoperesign；
Asmothswillhoverroundacandle，Sohoveredheabouthershrine。
Thebrilliantcandledazedthemothwell：
OnedayshesangtoherPapaTheairthatMARIEsingswithBOTHWELL
InNEIDERMEYER’Sopera。
（Thereinastableboy，it’sstated，Devoutlylovedanobledame，WhoardentlyreciprocatedHisratherinjudiciousflame。）
Andthen，beforethepianoclosing（Helistenedcoylyatthedoor），Shesangasongofhercomposing—
Igiveoneversefromhalfascore：
BALLAD
Why，prettypage，arteversighing？
Issorrowinthyheartletlying？
Come，seta—ringingThylaughentrancing，AndeversingingAndeverdancing。
Eversinging，Tra!la!la!
Everdancing，Tra!la!la!
Eversinging，everdancing，Eversinging，Tra!la!la!
Heskippedforjoylikelittlemuttons，HedancedlikeEsmeralda’skid。
（Shedidnotmeanaboyinbuttons，Althoughhefanciedthatshedid。）
Poorlad!convincedhethuswouldwinher，Heworeoutmanypairsofsoles；
Hedancedwhentakingdownthedinner—
Hedancedwhenbringingupthecoals。
Hedancedandsang（howeverladen）
Withhisincessant"Tra!la!la!"
Whichmuchsurprisedthenoblemaiden，AndpuzzledevenherPapa。
Henourishednowhisflameandfannedit，Heevendancedatworkbelow。
Theupperservantswouldn’tstandit，AndBOWLESthebutlertoldhimso。
Atlengthonimpulseactingblindly，Hislovehelaidcompletelybare；
ThegentleEarlreceivedhimkindlyAndtoldtheladtotakeachair。
"Oh，sir，"thesuitorutteredsadly，"Don’tgiveyourindignationvent；
IfearyouthinkI’mactingmadly，Perhapsyouthinkmeinsolent？"
ThekindlyEarlrepelledthenotion；
Hisnoblebosomheavedasigh，Hisfingerstrembledwithemotion，Atearstoodinhismildblueeye：
For，oh!thescenerecalledtooplainlyThehalf—forgottentimewhenhe，Aboyofnine，hadworshippedvainlyAgovernessofforty—three!
"Myboy，"hesaid，intoneconsoling，"Giveupthisidlefancy—do—
ThesongyouheardmydaughtertrollingDidnot，indeed，refertoyou。
"Ifeelforyou，poorboy，acutely；
Iwouldnotwishtogiveyoupain；
YourpangsIestimateminutely，—
I，too，haveloved，andlovedinvain。
"ButstillyourhumblerankandstationForMINNIEsurelyarenotmeet"—
HesaidmuchmoreinconversationWhichitwereneedlesstorepeat。
NowI’mpreparedtobetaguinea，Werethisameredramaticcase，ThepagewouldhaveelopedwithMINNIE，But，no—heonlylefthisplace。
ThesimpleTruthismydetective，WithmeSensationcan’tabide；
TheLikelybeatsthemereEffective，AndNatureismyonlyguide。
Ballad：PashaBaileyBenAproudPashawasBAILEYBEN，Hiswiveswerethree，histailswereten；
Hisformwasdignified，butstout，Mencalledhim"LittleRoundabout。"
HISIMPORTANCE
PalePilgrimscamefromo’ertheseaTowaitonPASHABAILEYB。，Allbearingpresentsinacrowd，ForB。waspooraswellasproud。
HISPRESENTS
Theybroughthimonionsstrungonropes，Andcoldboiledbeef，andtelescopes，Andballsofstring，andshrimps，andguns，Andchops，andtacks，andhats，andbuns。
MOREOFTHEM
Theybroughthimwhitekidgloves，andpails，Andcandlesticks，andpottedquails，Andcapstan—bars，andscalesandweights，Andornamentsforemptygrates。
WHYIMENTIONTHESE
Mytaleisnotofthese—ohno!
IonlymentionthemtoshowThediversgiftsthatdiversmenBroughto’ertheseatoBAILEYBEN。
HISCONFIDANT
AconfidanthadBAILEYB。，AgayMongoliandogwashe；
IamnotgoodatTurkishnames，AndsoIcallhimSIMPLEJAMES。
HISCONFIDANT’SCOUNTENANCE
AdreadfullegendyoumighttraceInSIMPLEJAMES’Shonestface，Forthereyouread，inNature’sprint，"AScoundreloftheDeepestTint。"
HISCHARACTER
Adeedofblood，orfire，orflames，WasmeatanddrinktoSIMPLEJAMES：
Tohidehisguilthedidnotplan，Butownedhimselfabadyoungman。
THEAUTHORTOHISREADER
AndwhyonearthgoodBAILEYBEN
（Thewisest，noblest，bestofmen）
MadeSIMPLEJAMEShisright—handmanIsquitebeyondmymentalspan。
THESAME，CONTINUED
Butthere—enoughofgruesomedeeds!
Myheart，inthinkingofthem，bleeds；
AndsoletSIMPLEJAMEStakewing，—
’TisnotofhimI’mgoingtosing。
THEPASHA’SCLERK
GoodPASHABAILEYkeptaclerk（ForBAILEYonlymadehismark），HisnamewasMATTHEWWYCOMBECOO，Amanofnearlyforty—two。
HISACCOMPLISHMENTS
NopersonthatIeverknewCould"yodel"halfaswellasCOO，AndHighlandersexclaimed，"Eh，weel!"
WhenCOObegantodanceareel。
HISKINDNESSTOTHEPASHA’SWIVES
HeusedtodanceandsingandplayInsuchanunaffectedway，HecheeredtheunexcitinglivesOfPASHABAILEY’Slovelywives。
THEAUTHORTOHISREADER
ButwhyshouldIencumberyouWithhistoriesofMATTHEWCOO？
LetMATTHEWCOOatoncetakewing，—
’TisnotofCOOI’mgoingtosing。
THEAUTHOR’SMUSE
LetmerecallmywanderingMuse；
SheSHALLbesteadyifIchoose—
Sheroves，insteadofhelpingmeTotellthedeedsofBAILEYB。
THEPASHA’SVISITOR
Onemorningknocked，athalf—pasteight，AtallRedIndianathisgate。
InTurkey，asyou’rep’rapsaware，RedIndiansareextremelyrare。
THEVISITOR’SOUTFIT
Mocassinsdeckedhisgracefullegs，Hiseyeswereblack，androundaseggs，Andonhisneck，insteadofbeads，HungseveralCatawampousseeds。
WHATTHEVISITORSAID
"Ho，ho!"hesaid，"thoupale—facedone，PooroffspringofanEasternsun，You’veNEVERseentheRedManskipUponthebanksofMississip!"
THEAUTHOR’SMODERATION
TosaythatBAILEYopedhiseyesWouldfeeblypainthisgreatsurprise—
TosayitalmostmadehimdieWouldbetopaintitmuchtoohigh。
THEAUTHORTOHISREADER
ButwhyshouldIransackmyheadTotellyouallthatIndiansaid；
We’lllettheIndianmantakewing，—
’TisnotofhimI’mgoingtosing。
THEREADERTOTHEAUTHOR
Come，come，Isay，that’squiteenoughOfthisabsurddisjointedstuff；
Nowlet’sgetontothataffairAboutLIEUTENANT—COLONELFLARE。
Ballad：Lieutenant—ColonelFlareTheearthhasarmiesplenty，Andsemi—warlikebands，IdaresaytherearetwentyInEuropeanlands；
But，oh!innodirectionYou’dfindonetocompareInbrotherlyaffectionWiththatofCOLONELFLARE。
HissoldiersmightberatedAsmilitaryPearls。
AsunsophisticatedAsprettylittlegirls!
Theyneversmokedorratted，OrtalkedofSuesorPolls；
TheSergeant—Majortatted，Theothersnursedtheirdolls。
HespenthisdaysinteachingThesetrulysolemnfacts；
There’slittleuseinpreaching，Orcirculatingtracts。
（ThevainestplaninventedForstiflingothercreeds，Unlessit’ssupplementedWithcharitableDEEDS。）
HetaughthissoldierskindlyTogiveatHunger’scall：
"Oh，betterfargiveblindly，Thannevergiveatall!
ThoughsympathybekindledByImposition’sgame，Oh，betterfarbeswindledThansmotherupitsflame!"
HismeanswerefarfromampleForpleasureorfordress，YetnotethisbrightexampleOfsingle—heartedness：
ThoughrankingasaColonel，Hispaywasbutagroat，WhiletheirrewarddiurnalWas—eachafive—poundnote。
Moreover，—thisevincesHiskindness，you’llallow，—
Hefedthemalllikeprinces，Andlivedhimselfoncow。
HesetthemallregalingOncuriouswines，anddear，Whilehewouldsitpale—ale—ing，Orquaffingginger—beer。
Thenathisinstigation（Aprettyfancythis）
TheirdailypayandrationHe’dtakeinchangeforhis；
Theybroughtittohimweekly，Andhewithoutagroan，WouldtakeitfromthemmeeklyAndgivethemallhisown!
ThoughnotexactlyknightedAsknights，ofcourse，shouldbe，YetnoonesodelightedInharmlesschivalry。
IfpeasantgirlorladyeBeneathmisfortunessank，Whate’erdistinctionsmadehe，Theywerenotthoseofrank。
NomaidenyoungandcomelyWhowantedgoodadvice（Howeverpoororhomely）
Needaskhimforittwice。
He’dwipeawaytheblindnessThatcomesoftearydew；
HissympathetickindnessNosortoflimitknew。
HealwayshateddealingWithmenwhoschemedorplanned；
Apersonharsh—unfeeling—
TheColonelcouldnotstand。
Hehatedcold，suspecting，Officialmeninblue，WhopasstheirlivesdetectingThecrimesthatothersdo。
Formenwho’dshootasparrow，OrimmolateawormBeneathafarmer’sharrow，Hecouldnotfindaterm。
Humanely，ay，andknightlyHedealtwithsuchanone；
Hetookandtiedhimtightly，Andblewhimfromagun。
Theearthhasarmiesplenty，Andsemi—warlikebands，I’mcertaintherearetwentyInEuropeanlands；
But，oh!innodirectionYou’dfindonetocompareInbrotherlyaffectionWiththatofCOLONELFLARE。
Ballad：LostMr。BlakeMR。BLAKEwasaregularout—and—outhardenedsinner，WhowasquiteoutofthepaleofChristianity，sotospeak，HewasinthehabitofsmokingalongpipeanddrinkingaglassofgrogonaSundayafterdinner，Andseldomthoughtofgoingtochurchmorethantwiceor—ifGoodFridayorChristmasDayhappenedtocomeinit—threetimesaweek。
HewasquiteindifferentastotheparticularkindsofdressesThattheclergymanworeatchurchwhereheusedtogotopray，Andwhateverhedidinthewayofrelievingachap’sdistresses，Healwaysdidinanasty，sneaking，underhanded，hole—and—
cornersortofway。
Ihaveknownhimindulgeinprofane，ungentlemanlyemphatics，WhentheProtestantChurchhasbeendividedonthesubjectoftheproperwidthofachasuble’shem；
Ihaveevenknownhimtosneeratalbs—andasfordalmatics，Wordscan’tconveyanideaofthecontemptheexpressedforTHEM。
Hedidn’tbelieveinpersonswho，notbeingwelloffthemselves，areobligedtoconfinetheircharitableexertionstocollectingmoneyfromwealthierpeople，Andlookeduponindividualsoftheformerclassasecclesiasticalhawks；
Heusedtosaythathewouldnomorethinkofinterferingwithhispriest’srobesthanwithhischurchorhissteeple，Andthathedidnotconsiderhissoulimperilledbecausesomebodyoverwhomhehadnoinfluencewhatever，chosetodresshimselfuplikeanexaggeratedGUYFAWKES。
ThisshockingoldvagabondwassounutterablyshamelessThatheactuallywenta—courtingaveryrespectableandpiousmiddle—agedsister，bythenameofBIGGS。
Shewasaratherattractivewidow，whoselifeassuchhadalwaysbeenparticularlyblameless；
Herfirsthusbandhadleftherasecurebutmoderatecompetence，owingtosomefortunatespeculationsinthematteroffigs。
Shewasanexcellentpersonineveryway—andwontherespectevenofMRS。GRUNDY，Shewasagoodhousewife，too，andwouldn’thavewastedapennyifshehadownedtheKoh—i—noor。
ShewasjustasstrictashewaslaxinherobservanceofSunday，Andbeingagoodeconomist，andcharitablebesides，shetookallthebonesandcoldpotatoesandbrokenpie—crustsandcandle—ends（whenshehadquitedonewiththem），andmadethemintoanexcellentsoupforthedeservingpoor。
IamsorrytosaythatsherathertooktoBLAKE—thatoutcastofsociety，Andwhenrespectablebrotherswhowerefondofherbegantolookdubiousandtocough，Shewouldsay，"Oh，myfriends，it’sbecauseIhopetobringthispoorbenightedsoulbacktovirtueandpropriety，Andbesides，thepoorbenightedsoul，withallhisfaults，wasuncommonlywelloff。
AndwhenMR。BLAKE’Sdissipatedfriendscalledhisattentiontothefrownorthepoutofher，Wheneverhedidanythingwhichappearedtohertosavourofanunmentionableplace，Hewouldsaythat"shewouldbeaverydecentoldgirlwhenallthatnonsensewasknockedoutofher，"
Andhismethodofknockingitoutofherisonethatcoveredhimwithdisgrace。
ShewasfondofgoingtochurchservicesfourtimeseverySunday，and，fourorfivetimesintheweek，andneverseemedtopallofthem，Sohehuntedoutallthechurcheswithinaconvenientdistancethathadservicesatdifferenthours，sotospeak；
Andwhenhehadmarriedherhepositivelyinsistedupontheirgoingtoallofthem，SotheycontrivedtodoabouttwelvechurcheseverySunday，and，iftheyhadluck，fromtwenty—twototwenty—threeinthecourseoftheweek。
Shewasfondofdroppinghissovereignsostentatiouslyintotheplate，andshelikedtoseethemstandoutratherconspicuouslyagainstthecommonplacehalf—crownsandshillings，Sohetookhertoallthecharitysermons，andifbyanyextraordinarychancetherewasn’tacharitysermonanywhere，hewoulddropacoupleofsovereigns（oneforhimandoneforher）intothepoor—boxatthedoor；
Andashealwaysdeductedthesumsthusgivenincharityfromthehousekeepingmoney，andthemoneyheallowedherforherbonnetsandfrillings，Shesoonbegantofindthatevencharity，ifyouallowittointerferewithyourpersonalluxuries，becomesanintolerablebore。
OnSundaysshewasalwaysmelancholyandanythingbutgoodsociety，Forthatdayinherhouseholdwasadayofsighingsandsobbingsandwringingofhandsandshakingofheads：
Shewouldn’thearofabuttonbeingsewnonaglove，becauseitwasaworkneitherofnecessitynorofpiety，Andstrictlyprohibitedherservantsfromamusingthemselves，orindeeddoinganythingatallexceptdustingthedrawing—
rooms，cleaningthebootsandshoes，cookingtheparlourdinner，waitinggenerallyonthefamily，andmakingthebeds。
ButBLAKEevenwentfurtherthanthat，andsaidthatpeopleshoulddotheirownworksofnecessity，andnotdelegatethemtopersonsinamenialsituation，Sohewouldn’tallowhisservantstodosomuchasevenanswerabell。
Hereheismakinghiswifecarryupthewaterforherbathtothesecondfloor，muchagainstherinclination，—
AndwhyintheworldthegentlemanwhoillustratestheseballadshasputhiminacockedhatismorethanIcantell。
Afteraboutthreemonthsofthissortofthing，takingthesmoothwiththeroughofit，（Blackingherownbootsandpeelingherownpotatoeswasnothernotionofconnubialbliss），MRS。BLAKEbegantofindthatshehadprettynearlyhadenoughofit，Andcame，incourseoftime，tothinkthatBLAKE’Sownoriginallineofconductwasn’tsomuchamiss。
Andnowthatwickedperson—thatdetestablesinner（"BELIAL
BLAKE"hisfriendsandwell—wisherscallhimforhisatrocities），Andhispoordeludedvictim，whomallherChristianbrothersdislikeandpityso，GototheparishchurchonlyonSundaymorningandafternoonandoccasionallyonaweek—day，andspendtheireveningsinconnubialfondlingsandaffectionatereciprocities，AndIshouldliketoknowwhereintheworld（orrather，outofit）theyexpecttogo!
Ballad：TheBaby’sVengeanceWearyatheartandextremelyillWasPALEYVOLLAIREofBromptonville，Inadirtylodging，withfeverdown，ClosetothePolygon，SomersTown。
PALEYVOLLAIREwasanonlyson（Forwhy？Hismotherhadhadbutone），AndPALEYinheritedgoldandgroundsWorthseveralhundredthousandpounds。
Buthe，likemanyarichyoungman，Throughthismagnificentfortuneran，AndnothingwasleftforhisdailyneedsButduplicatecopiesofmortgage—deeds。
Shabbyandsorryandsorelysick，Heslept，anddreamtthattheclock’s"tick，tick，"
WasoneoftheFates，withalongsharpknife，Snickingoffbitsofhisshortenedlife。
Hewokeandcountedthepipsonthewalls，Theoutdoorpassengers’loudfootfalls，Andreckonedallover，andreckonedagain，Thelittlewhitetuftsonhiscounterpane。
Amedicalmantohisbedsidecame。
（Ican’trememberthatdoctor’sname），Andsaid，"You’lldieinaveryshortwhileIfyoudon’tsetsailforMadeira’sisle。"
"GotoMadeira？goodnessme!
Ihaven’tthemoneytopayyourfee!"
"Then，PALEYVOLLAIRE，"saidtheleech，"goodbye；
I’llcomenomore，foryour’resuretodie。"
Hesighedandhegroanedandsmotehisbreast；
"Oh，send，"saidhe，"forFREDERICKWEST，Eresensesfadeormyeyesgrowdim：
I’veaterribletaletowhisperhim!"
PoorwasFREDERICK’Slotinlife，—
Adustmanhewithafairyoungwife，Aworthymanwithahard—earnedstore，Ahundredandseventypounds—ormore。
FREDERICKcame，andhesaid，"MaybeYou’llsaywhatyouhappenedtowantwithme？"
"Wrongedboy，"saidPALEYVOLLAIRE，"Iwill，Butdon’tyoufidgetyourself—sitstill。"
THETERRIBLETALE。
"’Tisnowsomethirty—sevenyearsagoSincefirstbegantheplotthatI’mrevealing，Afineyoungwoman，whomyououghttoknow，LivedwithherhusbanddowninDrumLane，Ealing。
Herselfbymeansofmanglingreimbursing，Andnowandthen（atintervals）wet—nursing。
"Twolittlebabesdweltintheirhumblecot：
Onewasherown—theotheronlylenttoher：
HEROWNSHESLIGHTED。TemptedbyalotOfgoldandsilverregularlysenttoher，SheministereduntothelittleotherInthecapacityoffoster—mother。
"IWASHEROWN。Oh!howIlayandsobbedInmypoorcradle—deeply，deeplycursingTherichman’spamperedbantling，whohadrobbedMyonlybirthright—anattentivenursing!
Sometimesinhatredofmyfoster—brother，Ignashedmygums—whichterrifiedmymother。
"Oneday—itwasquiteearlyintheweek—
IINMYCRADLEHAVINGPLACEDTHEBANTLING—
Creptintohis!Hehadnotlearnttospeak，ButIcouldseehisfacewithangermantling。
Itwasimprudent—well，disgracefulmaybe，For，oh!Iwasabad，blackheartedbaby!
"Sogreataluxurywasfood，IthinkNowickednessbutIwasgametotryforit。
NOWifIwantedanythingtodrinkAtanytime，Ionlyhadtocryforit!
ONCE，ifIdaredtoweep，thebottlelacking，Myblubberinginvolvedaserioussmacking!
"Wegrewupintheusualway—myfriend，Myfoster—brother，dailygrowingthinner，WhilegraduallyIbegantomend，Andthrivedamazinglyondoubledinner。
Andeveryone，besidesmyfoster—mother，Believedthateitherofuswastheother。
"IcameintoHISwealth—IboreHISname，Ibearitstill—HISpropertyIsquandered—
Imortgagedeverything—andnow（oh，shame!）
IntoaSomersTownshake—downI’vewandered!
IamnoPALEY—no，VOLLAIRE—it’strue，myboy!
TheonlyrightfulPALEYV。isYOU，myboy!
"AndallIhaveisyours—andyoursismine。
Istillmayplaceyouinyourtrueposition：
Givemethepoundsyou’vesaved，andI’llresignMynoblename，myrank，andmycondition。
SofarmywickednessinfalselyowningYourvastywealth，Iamatlastatoning!"
*******
FREDERICKhewasasimplesoul，Hepulledfromhispocketabulkyroll，AndgavetoPALEYhishard—earnedstore，Ahundredandseventypoundsormore。
PALEYVOLLAIRE，withmanyagroan，GaveFREDERICKallthathecalledhisown，—
Twoshirtsandasock，andavestofjean，AWellingtonbootandabamboocane。
AndFRED（entitledtoallthingsthere）
HetookthefeverfromMR。VOLLAIRE，WhichkilledpoorFREDERICKWEST。MeanwhileVOLLAIREsailedofftoMadeira’sisle。
Ballad：TheCaptainAndTheMermaidsIsingalegendofthesea，Sohard—a—portuponyourlee!
Ashiponstarboardtack!
She’sbounduponaprivatecruise—
（ThisisthekindofspiceIuseTogiveasalt—seasmack）。
Behold，oneveryafternoon（SaveinagaleorstrongMonsoon）
GreatCAPTAINCAPELCLEGGS
（Greatmorally，thoughrathershort）
Satatanopenweather—portAndairedhisshapelylegs。
AndMermaidshungaroundinflocks，Oncablechainsanddistantrocks，Togazeuponthoselimbs；
Forlegslikethose，offleshandbone，Arethings"notgenerallyknown"
ToanyMermanTIMBS。
ButMermendidn’tseemtocareMuchtime（asfarasI’maware）
WithCLEGGS’Slegstospend；
ThoughMermaidsswamaroundalldayAndgazed，exclaiming，"THAT’SthewayAgentlemanshouldend!
"Apairoflegswithwell—cutknees，AndcalvesandanklessuchastheseWhichweinrapturehail，Arefarmoreeloquent，it’sclear（Whenclothedinsilkandkerseymere），Thananynastytail。"
AndCLEGGS—aworthykindoldboy—
Rejoicedtoaddtoothers’joy，And，whenthedaywasdry，Becauseitpleasedthelookers—on，Hesatfrommorntillnight—thoughcon—
Stitutionallyshy。
AtfirsttheMermenlaughed，"Pooh!pooh!"
Butfinallytheyjealousgrew，Andsoundedloudrecalls；
Butvainly。SothesefishymalesDeclaredtheytoowouldclothetheirtailsInsilkenhoseandsmalls。
Theysettowork，thesewater—men，Andmadetheirnetherrobes—butwhenTheydrewwithdaintytouchThekerseymereupontheirtails，Theyfounditscrapedagainsttheirscales，Andhurtthemverymuch。
Thesilk，besides，withwhichtheychoseTodecktheirtailsbywayofhose（Theyneverthoughtofshoon），Forsuchausewasmuchtoothin，—
Ittoreagainstthecaudalfin，And"wentinladders"soon。
Sotheydesignedanotherplan：
TheysenttheirmostseductivemanThisnotetohimtoshow—
"OurMonarchsendstoCAPTAINCLEGGS
Hishumblecompliments，andbegsHe’lljoinhimdownbelow；
"We’vepleasanthomesbelowthesea—
Besides，ifCAPTAINCLEGGSshouldbe（Asouradvicessay）
AjudgeofMermaids，hewillfindOurlady—fishofeverykindInspectionwillrepay。"
GoodCAPELsentakindreply，ForCAPELthoughthecoulddescryAnadmirableplanTostudyalltheirwaysandlaws—
（Butnottheirlady—fish，becauseHewasamarriedman）。
TheMermansank—theCaptaintooJumpedoverboard，anddroppedfromviewLikestonefromcatapult；
AndwhenhereachedtheMerman’slair，Hecertainlywaswelcomedthere，But，ah!withwhatresult？
Theydidn’tlethimlearntheirlaw，Ormakeanoteofwhathesaw，Orinterestingmem。：
Thelady—fishhecouldn’tfind，Butthat，ofcourse，hedidn’tmind—
Hedidn’tcomeforthem。
Forthough，whenCAPTAINCAPELsank，TheMermendrawnindoublerankGavehimaheartyhail，YetwhensecureofCAPTAINCLEGGS，Theycutoffbothhislovelylegs，AndgavehimSUCHatail!
WhenCAPTAINCLEGGSreturnedaboard，Hisblithesomecrewconvulsiveroar’d，Toseehimalteredso。
TheAdmiraltydidinsistThatheupontheHalf—payListImmediatelyshouldgo。
Invaindeclaredthepooroldsalt，"It’smymisfortune—notmyfault，"
Withtearandtremblinglip—
InvainpoorCAPELbeggedandbegged。
"AmanmustbecompletelyleggedWhorulesaBritishship。"
SospakethesternFirstLordaloud—
Hewasawag，thoughveryproud，Andmuchrejoicedtosay，"You’reonlyhalfacaptainnow—
Andso，myworthyfriend，IvowYou’llonlygethalf—pay!"
Ballad：AnnieProtheroe。ALegendofStratford—Le—BowOh!listentothetaleoflittleANNIEPROTHEROE。
Shekeptasmallpost—officeintheneighbourhoodofBOW；
Shelovedaskilledmechanic，whowasfamousinhisday—
AgentleexecutionerwhosenamewasGILBERTCLAY。
IthinkIhearyousay，"Adreadfulsubjectforyourrhymes!"
Oreader，donotshrink—hedidn’tliveinmoderntimes!
Helivedsolongago（thesketchwillshowitataglance）
Thatallhisactionsglitterwiththelime—lightofRomance。
Inbusytimeshelabouredathisgentlecraftallday—
"NodoubtyoumeanhisCal—craft，"youamusinglywillsay—
But，no—hedidn’toperatewithcommonbitsofstring，HewasaPublicHeadsman，whichisquiteanotherthing。
Andwhenhisworkwasover，theywouldrambleo’erthelea，Andsitbeneaththefrondageofanelderberrytree，AndANNIE’Ssimpleprattleentertainedhimonhiswalk，Forpublicexecutionsformedthesubjectofhertalk。
Andsometimeshe’dexplaintoher，whichcharmedherverymuch，Howfamousoperatorsvaryverymuchintouch，Andthen，perhaps，he’dshowhowhehimselfperformedthetrick，Andillustratehismeaningwithapoppyandastick。
Or，ifitrained，thelittlemaidwouldstopathome，andlookAthisfavourablenotices，allpastedinabook，Andthenhercheekwouldflush—herswimmingeyeswoulddancewithjoyInaglowofadmirationattheprowessofherboy。
Onesummereve，atsupper—time，thegentleGILBERTsaid（AshehelpedhisprettyANNIEtoasliceofcollaredhead），"ThisremindsmeImustsettleonthenextensuingdayThehashofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY。"
HesawhisANNIEtrembleandhesawhisANNIEstart，Herchangingcolourtrumpetedtheflutteratherheart；
YoungGILBERT’Smanlybosomroseandsankwithjealousfear，Andhesaid，"OgentleANNIE，what’sthemeaningofthishere？"
AndANNIEanswered，blushinginaninterestingway，"Youthink，nodoubt，I’msighingforthatfelonPETERGRAY：
ThatIwashisyoungwomanisunquestionablytrue，ButnotsinceIbegana—keepingcompanywithyou。"
ThenGILBERT，whowasirritable，roseandloudlysworeHe’dknowthereasonwhyifsherefusedtotellhimmore；
Andsheanswered（allthewomaninherflashingfromhereyes）
"Youmustn’tasknoquestions，andyouwon’tbetoldnolies!
"Fewlovershavetheprivilegeenjoyed，mydear，byyou，Ofchoppingoffarival’sheadandquarteringhimtoo!
Ofvengeance，dear，to—morrowyouwillsurelytakeyourfill!"
AndGILBERTgroundhismolarsasheansweredher，"Iwill!"
YoungGILBERTrosefromtablewithasterndeterminedlook，And，frowning，tookaninexpensivehatchetfromitshook；
AndANNIEwatchedhismovementswithaninterestedair—
Forthemorrow—forthemorrowhewasgoingtoprepare!
Hechippeditwithahammerandhechoppeditwithabill，Hepouredsulphuricacidontheedgeofit，untilThisterribleAvengeroftheMajestyofLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
AndANNIEsaid，"OGILBERT，dear，IdonotunderstandWhyeveryouareinjuringthathatchetinyourhand？’
Hesaid，"ItisintendedfortolacerateandflayTheneckofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY!"
"Now，GILBERT，"ANNIEanswered，"wickedheadsman，justbeware—
Iwon’thavePETERtorturedwiththathorribleaffair；
Ifyouappearwiththat，youmaydependyou’llruetheday。"
ButGILBERTsaid，"Oh，shallI？"whichwasjusthisnastyway。
Hesawalookofangerfromhereyesdistinctlydart，ForANNIEwasawoman，andhadpityinherheart!
Shewishedhimagoodevening—heansweredwithaglare；
Sheonlysaid，"Remember，foryourANNIEwillbethere!"
********
ThemorrowGILBERTboldlyonthescaffoldtookhisstand，Withavizoronhisfaceandwithahatchetinhishand，AndallthepeoplenoticedthattheEngineoftheLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
Thefelonverycoollyloosedhiscollarandhisstock，Andplacedhiswickedheaduponthehandylittleblock。
ThehatchetwasupliftedfortosettlePETERGRAY，WhenGILBERTplainlyheardawoman’svoiceexclaiming，"Stay!"
’TwasANNIE，gentleANNIE，asyou’lleasilybelieve。
"OGILBERT，youmustsparehim，forIbringhimareprieve，ItcamefromourHomeSecretarymanyweeksago，Andpassedthroughthatpost—officewhichIusedtokeepatBow。
"Ilovedyou，lovedyoumadly，andyouknowit，GILBERTCLAY，AndasI’dquitesurrenderedallideaofPETERGRAY，Iquietlysuppressedit，asyou’llclearlyunderstand，ForIthoughtitmightbeawkwardifhecameandclaimedmyhand。
"Inangeratmysecret（whichIcouldnottellbefore），TolaceratepoorPETERGRAYvindictivelyyouswore；
Itoldyouifyouusedthatbluntedaxeyou’druetheday，Andsoyouwill，youngGILBERT，forI’llmarryPETERGRAY!"
[ANDSOSHEDID。
Ballad：AnUnfortunateLikenessI’vepaintedSHAKESPEAREallmylife—
"Aninfant"（eventhenat"play"!）
"Aboy，"withstage—ambitionrife，Then"MarriedtoANNHATHAWAY。"
"Thebard’sfirstticketnight"（or"ben。"），His"Firstappearanceonthestage，"
His"Callbeforethecurtain"—then"Rejoicingswhenhecameofage。"
Thebardplay—writinginhisroom，Thebardahumblelawyer’sclerk。
Thebardalawyer（1）—parson（2）—groom（3）—
Thebarddeer—stealing，afterdark。
Thebardatradesman（4）—andaJew（5）—
Thebardabotanist（6）—abeak（7）—
Thebardaskilledmusician（8）too—
Asheriff（9）andasurgeon（10）eke!
Yetcriticssay（afriendlystock）
That，thoughit’sevidentItry，YetevenIcanbarelymockTheglimmerofhiswondrouseye!
OnemorningasaworkIframed，Therepassedaperson，walkinghard：
"Mygraciousgoodness，"Iexclaimed，"Howverylikemydearoldbard!
"Oh，whatamodelhewouldmake!"
Irushedoutside—impulsiveme!—
"ForgivethelibertyItake，Butyou’resovery"—"Stop!"saidhe。
"Youneedn’twasteyourbreathortime，—
Iknowwhatyouaregoingtosay，—
Thatyou’reanartist，andthatI’mRemarkablylikeSHAKESPEARE。Eh？
"YouwishthatIwouldsittoyou？"
Iclaspedhimmadlyroundthewaist，Andbreathlesslyreplied，"Ido!"
"Allright，"saidhe，"butpleasemakehaste。"
Iledhimbyhishallowedsleeve，Andworkedawayathimapace，Ipaintedhimtilldewyeve，—
Thereneverwasanoblerface!
"Oh，sir，"Isaid，"afortunegrandIsyours，bydintofmerestchance，—
TosportHISbrowatsecond—hand，TowearHIScast—offcountenance!
"TorubHISeyeswhene’ertheyache—
TowearHISbaldnessereyou’reold—
TocleanHISteethwhenyouawake—
ToblowHISnosewhenyou’veacold!"
Hiseyeballsglistenedinhiseyes—
Isatandwatchedandsmokedmypipe；
"Bravo!"Isaid，"IrecognizeThephrensyofyourprototype!"
Hisscantyhairhewildlytore：
"That’sright，"saidI，"itshowsyourbreed。"
Hedanced—hestamped—hewildlyswore—
"Blessme，that’sveryfineindeed!"
"Sir，"saidthegrandShakesperianboy（Continuingtoblazeaway），"Youthinkmyfaceasourceofjoy；
Thatshowsyouknownotwhatyousay。
"Forgivetheseyellsandcellar—flaps：
I’malwaysthrowninsomesuchstateWhenonhisfacewell—meaningchapsThiswretchedmancongratulate。
"For，oh!thisface—thispointedchin—
Thisnose—thisbrow—theseeyeballstoo，HavealwaysbeentheoriginOfallthewoesIeverknew!
"IftotheplaymywayIfind，ToseeagrandShakesperianpiece，Ihavenorest，noeaseofmindUntiltheauthor’spuppetscease。
"Mennudgeeachother—thus—andsay，’ThiscertainlyisSHAKESPEARE’Sson，’
Andmerrywags（ofcourseinplay）
Cry’Author!’whenthepieceisdone。
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