"Yousee，IamwillingtomarrymybrideUntilyou’vearrangedthisaffair；

IwillblowoutmybrainswhenyourhonoursdecideWhichmarriesthesweetVivandiere!"

"Well，takeher，’saidbothoftheminaduet（Afavouriteformofreply），"ButwhenIamreadytomarryFILLETTE。

Rememberyou’vepromisedtodie!"

Hemarriedherthen：fromthefloweryplainsOfexistencetherosestheycull：

Helivedandhediedwithhiswife；andhisbrainsArereposinginpeaceinhisskull。

Ballad：Emily，John，James，AndI。ADerbyLegendEMILYJANEwasanurserymaid，JAMESwasaboldLifeGuard，JOHNwasaconstable，poorlypaid（AndIamadoggerelbard）。

AverygoodgirlwasEMILYJANE，JIMMYwasgoodandtrue，JOHNwasaverygoodmaninthemain（AndIamagoodmantoo）。

RivalsforEMMIEwereJOHNNYandJAMES，ThoughEMILYlikedthemboth；

Shecouldn’ttellwhichhadthestrongestclaims（AndIcouldn’ttakemyoath）。

Butsoonerorlateryou’recertaintofindYoursentimentscan’tliehid—

JANEthoughtitwastimethatshemadeuphermind（AndIthinkitwastimeshedid）。

SaidJANE，withasmirk，andablushonherface，"I’llpromisetowedtheboyWhotakesmeto—morrowtoEpsomRace!"

（WhichIwouldhavedone，withjoy）。

FromJOHNNYescapedanexpressionofpain，ButJimmysaid，"Donewithyou!

I’lltakeyouwithpleasure，myEMILYJANE!"

（AndIwouldhavesaidsotoo）。

JOHNlayontheground，andheroaredlikemad（ForJOHNNYwassoreperplexed），Andhekickedveryhardataverysmalllad（WhichIoftendo，whenvexed）。

ForJOHNwasondutynextdaywiththeForce，TopunishallEpsomcrimes；

YoungpeopleWILLcrosswhenthey’reclearingthecourse（Idoitmyself，sometimes）。

********

TheDerbyDaysunglitteredgailyoncads，Onmaidenswithgambogehair，Onsharpersandpickpockets，swindlersandpads，（ForI，withmyharp，wasthere）。

AndJIMMYwentdownwithhisJANEthatday，AndJOHNbythecollarornapeSeizedeverybodywhocameinhisway（AndIhadanarrowescape）。

HenoticedhisEMILYJANEwithJIM，Andenviedthewell—madeelf；

Andpeopleremarkedthathemuttered"Oh，dim!"

（Ioftensay"dim!"myself）。

JOHNdoggedthemallday，withoutaskingtheirleaves；

Forhissergeanthetold，aside，ThatJIMMYandJANEwerenotoriousthieves（AndIthinkhewasjustified）。

ButJAMESwouldn’tdreamofabstractingafork，AndJENNYwouldblushwithshameAtstealingsomuchasabottleorcork（AbottleIthinkfairgame）。

But，ah!there’sanothermoreseriouscrime!

TheywickedlystrayeduponThecourse，atacriticalmomentoftime（IpointedthemouttoJOHN）。

Theconstablefellonthepairinacrack—

Andthen，withademonsmile，LetJENNYcrossover，butsentJIMMYback（Iplayedonmyharpthewhile）。

SternJOHNNYtheiragonyloudderidesWithaverytriumphantsneer—

Theyweepandtheywailfromtheoppositesides（AndIshedasilenttear）。

AndJENNYiscryingawaylikemad，AndJIMMYisswearinghard；

AndJOHNNYislookinguncommonlyglad（AndIamadoggerelbard）。

ButJIMMYheventuredoncrossingagainThescenesofourIsthmianGames—

JOHNcaughthim，andcollaredhim，givinghimpain（IfeltverymuchforJAMES）。

JOHNledhimawaywithavictor’shand，AndJIMMYwasshortlyseenInthestation—houseunderthegrandGrandStand（AsmanyatimeI’VEbeen）。

AndJIMMY，badboy，wasimprisonedforlife，ThoughEMILYpleadedhard；

AndJOHNNYhadEMILYJANEtowife（AndIamadoggerelbard）。

Ballad：ThePerilsOfInvisibilityOLDPETERledawretchedlife—

OldPETERhadafuriouswife；

OldPETERtoowastrulystout，Hemeasuredseveralyardsabout。

ThelittlefairyPICKLEKIN

Onesummerafternoonlookedin，Andsaid，"OldPETER，howdedo？

CanIdoanythingforyou？

"Ihavethreegifts—thefirstwillgiveUnboundedricheswhileyoulive；

Thesecondhealthwhere’eryoube；

Thethird，invisibility。"

"OlittlefairyPICKLEKIN，"

OldPETERansweredwithagrin，"Tohesitatewouldbeabsurd，—

UndoubtedlyIchoosethethird。"

"’Tisyours，"thefairysaid；"bequiteInvisibletomortalsightWhene’eryouplease。RemembermeMostkindly，pray，toMRS。P。"

OldMRS。PETERoverheardWeePICKLEKIN’Sconcludingword，And，jealousofhergirlhood’schoice，Said，"Thatwassomeyoungwoman’svoice：

OldPETERletherscoldandswear—

OldPETER，blesshim，didn’tcare。

"Mydear，yourrageiswastedquite—

Observe，Idisappearfromsight!"

Awell—bredfairy（soI’veheard）

Isalwaysfaithfultoherword：

OldPETERvanishedlikeashot，Putthen—HISSUITOFCLOTHESDIDNOT!

ForwhenconferredthefairyslimInvisibilityonHIM，Shepoppedawayonfairywings，Withoutreferringtohis"things。"

Sothereremainedacoatofblue，Avestanddoubleeyeglasstoo，Histail，hisshoes，hissocksaswell，Hispairof—no，Imustnottell。

OldMRS。PETERsoonbeganToseethefailureofhisplan，Andthenresolved（IquotetheBard）

To"hoisthimwithhisownpetard。"

OldPETERwokenextdayanddressed，Putonhiscoat，andshoes，andvest，Hisshirtandstock；BUTCOULDNOTFIND

HISONLYPAIROF—nevermind!

OldPETERwasadecentman，Andthoughhetwiggedhislady’splan，Yet，hearingherapproaching，heResumedinvisibility。

"DearMRS。P。，myonlyjoy，"

Exclaimedthehorrifiedoldboy，"Now，givethemup，Ibegofyou—

YouknowwhatI’mreferringto!"

Butno；thecrossoldladysworeShe’dkeephis—whatIsaidbefore—

Tomakehimpubliclyabsurd；

AndMRS。PETERkeptherword。

Thepooroldfellowhadnorest；

Hiscoat，hisstick，hisshoes，hisvest，Wereallthatnowmetmortaleye—

Therest，invisibility!

"Now，madam，givethemup，Ibeg—

I’vehadrheumaticsinmyleg；

Besides，untilyoudo，it’splainIcannotcometosightagain!

"ForthoughsomemirthitmightaffordToseemyclotheswithouttheirlord，YettherewouldriseindignantoathsIfhewereseenwithouthisclothes!"

Butno；resolvedtohaveherquiz，Theladyheldherown—andhis—

AndPETERlefthishumblecotTofindapairof—youknowwhat。

But—here’stheworstoftheaffair—

Whene’erhecameacrossapairAlreadyplacedforhimtodon，Hewastoostouttogetthemon!

Soheresolvedatoncetotrain，Andwalkedandwalkedwithallhismain；

Foryearshepacedthismortalearth，Tobringhimselftodecentgirth。

Atnight，whenallaroundisstill，You’llfindhimpoundingupahill；

Andshriekingpeasantswhomhemeets，Falldowninterroronthepeats!

OldPETERwalksthroughwindandrain，Resolvedtotrain，andtrain，andtrain，Untilheweighstwelvestone’orso—

Andwhenhedoes，I’llletyouknow。

Ballad：OldPaulAndOldTimWhenrivaladorerscomecourtingamaid，There’ssomethingorothermayoftenbesaid，WhyHEshouldbepitcheduponratherthanHIM。

Thiswasn’tthecasewithOldPAULandOldTIM。

NosoulcoulddiscoverareasonatallFormarryingTIMOTHYratherthanPAUL；

Thoughallcouldhaveofferedgoodreasons，onoath，Againstmarryingeither—ormarryingboth。

Theywereequallywealthyandequallyold，Theywereequallytimidandequallybold；

Theywereequallytallastheystoodintheirshoes—

Betweenthem，infact，therewasnothingtochoose。

HadIbeenyoungEMILY，Ishouldhavesaid，"You’rebothmuchtoooldforaprettyyoungmaid，Threescoreattheleastyouarevergingupon"；

ButIwasn’tyoungEMILY。Letusgeton。

Nocoward’sbloodraninyoungEMILY’Sveins，Hermartialoldfatherlovedbloodycampaigns；

AttherumoursofbattlesallovertheglobeHeprickeduphisearslikethewar—horsein"Job。"

Hechuckledtohearofasuddensurprise—

Ofsoldiers，compelled，throughanenemy’sspies，Withoutanyknapsacksorshakostoflee—

Foraneminentarmy—contractorwashe。

Sowhenhertwolovers，whosepatiencewastried，Imploredherbetweenthematoncetodecide，Shetoldthemshe’dmarrywhichevermightbringGoodproofsofhisdoingthepluckiestthing。

Theybothwentawaywithaqualifiedjoy：

Thatcoward，OldPAUL，choseaverysmallboy，Andwhennoonewaslooking，inspiteofhisfears，Hesettoworkboxingthatlittleboy’sears。

Thelittleboystruggledandtuggedathishair，Butthelionwasroused，andOldPAULdidn’tcare；

Hesmackedhim，andwhackedhim，andboxedhim，andkickedTillthepoorlittlebeggarwasroyallylicked。

OldTIMknewatrickworthadozenofthat，Sohecalledforhisstickandhecalledforhishat。

"I’llcovermyselfwithcheapglory—I’llgoAndwalloptheFrenchmenwholiveinSoho!

"TheGermaninvaderisravagingFranceWithinfantryrifleandcavalrylance，AndbeautifulParisisfightingherbestToshakeherselffreefromherterribleguest。

"TheFrenchmeninLondon，incravenalarms，Haveallrunawayfromthesummonstoarms；

Theyhaven’tthepluckofapigeon—I’llgoAndwalloptheFrenchmenwhoskulkinSoho!"

OldTIMOTHYtrieditandfounditsucceed：

ThatdayhecausedmanyFrenchnosestobleed；

ThroughfoggySohohespreadfearanddismay，AndFrenchmenallroundhiminagonylay。

HetookcaretoabstainfromemployinghisfistOntheoldandthecrippled，fortheymightresist；

Acrippledoldmanmayhavepluckinhisbreast，Buttheyoungandthestrongonesarecowardsconfest。

OldTIMandOldPAUL，withthelistoftheirfoes，ProstratedthemselvesattheirEMILY’Stoes：

"Oh，whichofustwoisthepluckierblade？"

AndEMILYansweredandEMILYsaid：

"OldTIMhasthrashedrunawayFrenchmeninscores，Whooughttobeguardingtheircitiesandshores；

OldPAULhasmadelittlechaps’nosestobleed—

OldPAULhasaccomplishedthepluckierdeed!"

Ballad：TheMysticSelvageePerhapsalreadyyoumayknowSIRBLENNERHASSETPORTICO？

ACaptainintheNavy，he—

ABaronetandK。C。B。

Youdo？Ithoughtso!

ItwasthatCaptain’sfavouritewhim（Anotionnotconfinedtohim）

ThatRODNEYwasthegreatesttarWhoeverwieldedcapstan—bar。

Hehadbeentaughtso。

"BENBOW!CORNWALLIS!HOOD!—Belay!

ComparedwithRODNEY"—hewouldsay—

"Noothertariswortharap!

ThegreatLORDRODNEYwasthechapTheFrenchtopolish!

"Though，mindyou，IrespectLORDHOOD；

CORNWALLIS，too，wasrathergood；

BENBOWcouldenemiesrepel，LORDNELSON，too，wasprettywell—

Thatis，tol—lol—ish!"

SIRBLENNERHASSETspenthisdaysInlearningRODNEY’Slittleways，Andcloselyimitated，too，Hismodeoftalkingtohiscrew—

Hisportandpaces。

AnancienttarhetriedtocatchWho’dservedinRODNEY’Sfamousbatch；

Butsincehistimelongyearshavefled，AndRODNEY’Starsaremostlydead：

EHEUFUGACES!

Butaftersearchingnearandfar，AtlasthefoundanancienttarWhoservedwithRODNEYandhiscrewAgainsttheFrenchin’Eighty—two，（Thatgainedthepeerage）。

Hegavehimfiftypoundsayear，Hisrum，hisbaccy，andhisbeer；

AndhadacomfortabledenRiggedupinwhat，bymerchantmen，Iscalledthesteerage。

"Now，JASPER"—’twasthatsailor’sname—

"Don’tfearthatyou’llincurmyblameBysaying，whenitseemstoyou，ThatthereisanythingIdoThatRODNEYwouldn’t。"

Theancientsailorturnedhisquid，Preparedtodoashewasbid：

"Ay，ay，yerhonour；tobegin，You’vedoneawaywith’swiftingin’—

Well，sir，youshouldn’t!

"UponyoursparsIseeyou’veclappedPeakhalliardblocks，alliron—capped。

Iwouldnotchristenthatacrime，But’twasnotdoneinRODNEY’Stime。

Itlookshalf—witted!

Uponyourmaintop—stay，Isee，Youalwaysclapaselvagee!

Yourstays，Isee，areequalized—

Novessel，suchasRODNEYprized，Wouldthusbefitted!

"AndRODNEY，honouredsir，wouldgrinToseeyouturningdeadeyesin，NotUP，asintheancientway，Butdownwards，likeacutter’sstay—

Youdidn’toughter；

Besides，inseizingshroudsonboard，Breastbackstaysyouhavequiteignored；

GreatRODNEYkeptuntothelastBreastbackstaysontopgallantmast—

Theymakeittauter。"

SIRBLENNERHASSET"swiftedin，"

Turneddeadeyesup，andlentafinTostrip（astoldbyJASPERKNOX）

Theironcappingfromhisblocks，Wheretherewasany。

SIRBLENNERHASSETdoesaway，Withselvageesfrommaintop—stay；

Andthoughitmakeshissailorsstare，Herigsbreastbackstayseverywhere—

Infact，toomany。

Onemorning，whenthesaucycraftLaycalmed，oldJASPERtoddledaft。

"Mymindmisgivesme，sir，thatweWerewrongaboutthatselvagee—

Ishouldrestoreit。"

"Good，"saidtheCaptain，andthatdayRestoredittothemaintop—stay。

Well—practisedsailorsoftenmakeAmuchmoreseriousmistake，Andthenignoreit。

NextdayoldJASPERcameoncemore：

"Ithink，sir，Iwasrightbefore。"

Well，upthemastthesailorsskipped，Theselvageewassoonunshipped，Andallweremerry。

Againaday，andJASPERcame：

"Ip’r’apsdeserveyourhonour’sblame，Ican’tmakeupmymind，"saidhe，"Aboutthatcursedselvagee—

It’sfoolish—very。

"OnMondaynightIcouldhaveswornThatmaintop—stayitshouldadorn，OnTuesdaymorningIcouldswearThatselvageeshouldnotbethere。

Theknot’sarasper!"

"Oh，youbehanged，"saidCAPTAINP。，"Here，goashoreatCaribbee。

Getout—goodbye—shoveoff—allright!"

OldJASPERsoonwasoutofsight—

Farewell，oldJASPER!

Ballad：TheCunningWomanOnallArcadia’ssunnyplain，OnallArcadia’shill，NoneweresoblitheasBILLandJANE，SoblitheasJANEandBILL。

Nosocialearthquakee’eroccurredToracktheircommonmind：

TothemaPanicwasaword—

ACrisis，emptywind。

NoStockExchangedisturbedtheladWithoverwhelmingshocks—

BILLploughedwithalltheshareshehad，JANEplantedallherstocks。

AndlearninwhatasimplewayTheirpleasurestheyenhanced—

JANEdancedlikeanylamballday，BILLpipedaswellasdanced。

Surroundedbyatwittlingcrew，Oflinnet，lark，andthrush，BILLtreatedhisyoungladytoThissentimentalgush：

"Oh，JANE，howtrueIamtoyou!

Howtrueyouaretome!

Andhowwewoo，andhowwecoo!

Sofondapairarewe!

"Tothink，dearJANE，thatanyways。

YourchiefestendandaimIs，oneofthesefinesummerdays，Tobearmyhumblename!"

QuothJANE，"Well，asyouputthecase，I’mtrueenough，nodoubt，Butthen，yousee，inthishereplaceThere’snonetocutyouout。

"But，oh!ifanybodycame—

ALordoranysuch—

IdonotthinkyourhumblenameWouldfascinatememuch。

"Forthoughyourmates，youoftenboast。

Youdistanceout—and—out；

Still，intheabstract，you’reamostUncompromisinglout!"

PoorBILL，hegaveaheavysigh，Hetriedinvaintospeak—

AfattearstartedtoeacheyeAndcoursedadowneachcheek。

For，oh!rightwellintruthheknewThatveryself—sameday，TheLORDDEJACOBPILLALOO

Wascomingtheretostay!

TheLORDDEJACOBPILLALOO

Allpropermaidensshun—

Helovesallwomen，itistrue，Butnevermarriesone。

NowJANE，withallhermadself—will，Wasnocoquette—ohno!

ShereallylovedherfaithfulBILL，Andthusshetunedherwoe：

"Oh，willow，willow，o’erthelea!

Andwillowonceagain!

ThePeerwillfallinlovewithme!

Whywasn’tImadeplain？"

*****

Acunningwomanlivedhardby，Asorceressingdame，MACCATACOMBDESALMON—EYE

Washeruncommonname。

TohergoodJANE，withkindlyyearnForBILL’Sincreasingpain，RepairedinsecrecytolearnHowbesttomakeherplain。

"Oh，JANE，"theworthywomansaid，"Thismysticphialkeep，AndrubitsliquorinyourheadBeforeyougotosleep。

"Whenyouawakenextday，Itrow，You’lllookinformandhueToothersjustasyoudonow—

ButnottoPILLALOO!

"Whenyouapproachhim，youwillfindHe’llthinkyoucoarse—unkempt—

Andrudelybidyougetbehind，Withundisguisedcontempt。"

TheLORDDEPILLALOOarrivedWithhisexpensivetrain，Andwheninstateserenelyhived，HesentforBILLandJANE。

"Oh，spareher，LORDOFPILLALOO!

（SaidBILL）ifwedyoube，There’sanythingI’DratherdoThanflirtwithLADYP。"

TheLordhegazedinJenny’seyes，Helookedherthroughandthrough：

Thecunningwoman’spropheciesWereclearlycomingtrue。

LORDPILLALOO，theRustic’sBane（Badpersonhe，andproud），HELAUGHEDHA!HA!ATPRETTYJANE，ANDSNEEREDATHERALOUD!

Hebadehergetbehindhimthen，Andseekhermother’sstye—

YettohernativecountrymenShewasasfairasaye!

MACCATACOMB，continuegreen!

Grow，SALMON—EYE，inmight，Exceptforyou，theremighthavebeenThedeuce’sowndelightBallad：Phrenology"Come，collarthisbadman—

AroundthethroatheknottedmeTillItochokebegan—

Inpointoffact，garottedme!"

SospakeSIRHERBERTWRITE

ToJAMES，PolicemanThirty—two—

AllruffledwithhisfightSIRHERBERTwas，anddirtytoo。

Policemannothingsaid（Thoughhehadmuchtosayonit），Butfromthebadman’sheadHetookthecapthatlayonit。

"No，greatSIRHERBERTWHITE—

Impossibletotakehimup。

Thismanishonestquite—

Whereverdidyourakehimup？

"ForBurglars，Thieves，andCo。，Indeed，I’mnoapologist，ButI，someyearsago，AssistedaPhrenologist。

"Observehisvariousbumps，HisheadasIuncoverit：

HismoralslieinlumpsAllroundaboutandoverit。"

"Nowtakehim，"saidSIRWHITE，"Oryouwillsoonberueingit；

Blessme!Imustberight，—

Icaughtthefellowdoingit!"

Policemancalmlysmiled，"Indeedyouaremistaken，sir，You’reagitated—riled—

Andverybadlyshaken，sir。

"Sitdown，andI’llexplainMysystemofPhrenology，Asecond，please，remain"—

（Asecondishorology）。

Policemanlefthisbeat—

（TheBart。，nolongerfurious，Satdownuponaseat，Observing，"Thisiscurious!"）

"Oh，surely，herearesignsShouldsoftenyourrigidity：

ThisgentlemancombinesPolitenesswithtimidity。

"OfShynesshere’salump—

AholeforAnimosity—

AndlikemyfisthisbumpOfImpecuniosity。

"JustherethebumpappearsOfInnocentHilarity，AndjustbehindhisearsAreFaith，andHope，andCharity。

HeoftrueChristianwaysAsbrightexamplesentusis—

Thismaximheobeys，’SORTETUACONTENTUSSIS。’

"There，lethimgohisways，Heneedsnosternadmonishing。"

TheBart。，inblankamaze，Exclaimed，"Thisisastonishing!

"IMUSThavemadeamull，ThismatterI’vebeenblindinit：

Examine，please，MYskull，Andtellmewhatyoufindinit。"

ThatCrusherlooked，andsaid，Withunimpairedurbanity，"SIRHERBERT，you’veaheadThatteemswithinhumanity。

"Here’sMurder，Envy，Strife（Propensitytokillany），AndLiesaslargeaslife，AndheapsofSocialVillany。

"Here’sLoveofBran—NewClothes，Embezzling—Arson—Deism—

AtasteforSlangandOaths，AndFraudulentTrusteeism。

"Here’sLoveofGroundlessCharge—

Here’sMalice，too，andTrickery，UnusuallylargeYourbumpofPocket—Pickery—"

"Stop!"saidtheBart。，"mycupIsfull—I’mworsethanhiminall；

Policeman，takemeup—

NodoubtIamsomecriminal!"

ThatPleeceman’sscorngrewlarge（Phrenologyhadnettledit），HetookthatBart。incharge—

Idon’tknowhowtheysettledit。

Ballad：TheFairyCurateOnceafairyLightandairyMarriedwithamortal；

Men，however，Never，neverPassthefairyportal。

Slylystealing，ShetoEalingMadeadailyjourney；

Thereshefoundhim，Clientsroundhim（Hewasanattorney）。

Longtheytarried，Thentheymarried。

WhentheceremonyOncewasended，OfftheywendedOntheirmoonofhoney。

Twelvemonth，maybe，Sawababy（Friendsperformedanorgie）。

Muchtheyprizedhim，AndbaptizedhimBythenameofGEORGIE，GEORGIEgrewup；

ThenheflewupTohisfairymother。

Happymeeting—

Pleasantgreeting—

Kissingoneanother。

"ChooseacallingMostenthralling，Isincerelyurgeye。"

"Mother，"saidhe（Rev’rencemadehe），"Iwouldjointheclergy。

"GivepermissionInaddition—

Pawillletmedoit：

There’salivingInhisgiving—

He’llappointmetoit。

Dreamsofcoff’ring，Easteroff’ring，Titheandrentandpew—rate，Soinflameme（Donotblameme），ThatI’llbeacurate。"

She，withpleasure，Said，"Mytreasure，’Tismywishprecisely。

Doyourduty，There’sabeauty；

Youhavechosenwisely。

TellyourfatherIwouldratherAsachurchmanrankyou。

You，inclover，I’llwatchover。"

GEORGIEsaid，"Oh，thankyou!"

GEORGIEscudded，Wentandstudied，Madeallpreparations，Andwithcredit（Thoughhesaidit）

Passedexaminations。

（DonotquarrelWithhim，moral，Scrupulousdigestions—

’Twashismother，Andnoother，Answeredallthequestions。）

Timeproceeded；

LittleneededGEORGIEadmonition：

He，elated，VindicatedClergyman’sposition。

PeopleroundhimAlwaysfoundhimPlainandunpretending；

Kindlyteaching，Plainlypreaching，Allhismoneylending。

Sothefairy，Wiseandwary，Feltnosorrowrising—

NooccasionForpersuasion，Warning，oradvising。

He，resumingFairypluming（That’snotEnglish，isit？）

Oftwouldflyup，Totheskyup，Paymammaavisit。

********

Timeprogressing，GEORGIE’SblessingGrewmoreRitualistic—

Popishscandals，Tonsures—sandals—

Genuflectionsmystic；

Gushingmeetings—

Bosom—beatings—

Heavenlyecstatics—

Broideredspencers—

Copesandcensers—

Rochetsanddalmatics。

ThisquandaryVexedthefairy—

FlewshedowntoEaling。

"GEORGIE，stopit!

Prayyou，dropit；

Harktomyappealing：

TothisfoolishPapalrule—ishTwaddleputanending；

ThisaswerveisFromourServicePlainandunpretending。"

He，replying，Answered，sighing，Hawing，hemming，humming，"It’sapity—

They’resopritty；

Yetinmodebecoming，Mothertender，I’llsurrender—

I’llbeunaffected—"

ButhisBishopIntoHISshopEnteredunexpected!

"Whoisthis，sir，—

Balletmiss，sir？"

SaidtheBishopcoldly。

"’Tismymother，Andnoother，"

GEORGIEansweredboldly。

"Goalong，sir!

Youarewrong，sir；

Youhaveyearsinplenty，Whilethishussy（Graciousmussy!）

Isn’ttwoandtwenty!"

（FairiescleverNever，neverGrowinvisageolder；

Andthefairy，Allunwary，Leantuponhisshoulder!）

Bishopgrievedhim，Disbelievedhim；

GEORGEthepointgrewwarmon；

Changedreligion，Likeapigeon，（12）

AndbecameaMormon!

Ballad：TheWayOfWooingAmaidensatatherwindowwide，PrettyenoughforaPrince’sbride，Yetnobodycametoclaimher。

Shesatlikeabeautifulpicturethere，Withprettybluebellsandrosesfair，Andjasmine—leavestoframeher。

Andwhyshesattherenobodyknows；

Butthisshesangasshepluckedarose，Theleavesaroundherstrewing：

"I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；

’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Butthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"

Alovercameridingbyawhile，Awealthyloverwashe，whosesmileSomemaidswouldvaluegreatly—

Aformallover，whobowedandbent，Withmanyahigh—flowncompliment，Andcolddemeanourstately，"You’vestill，"saidshetohersuitorstern，"The’prentice—workofyourcrafttolearn，Ifthusyoucomea—cooing。

I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；

’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"

Asecondlovercameamblingby—

AtimidladwithafrightenedeyeAndacolourmantlinghighly。

Hemutteredtheerrandonwhichhe’dcome，Thenonlychuckledandbithisthumb，Andsimpered，simperedshyly。

"No，"saidthemaiden，"goyourway；

Youdarebutthinkwhatamanwouldsay，Yetdaretocomea—suing!

I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；

’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"

Athirdrodeupatastartlingpace—

Asuitorpoor，withahomelyface—

Nodoubtsappearedtobindhim。

Hekissedherlipsandhepressedherwaist，Andoffherodewiththemaiden，placedOnapillionsafebehindhim。

AndsheheardthesuitorboldconfideThisgoldenhinttothepriestwhotiedTheknotthere’snoundoing；

Withprettyyoungmaidenswhocanchoose，’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"

Ballad：HongreeAndMahry。ARecollectionOfASurreyMelodramaThesunwassettinginitswontedwest，WhenHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，MetMAHRYDAUBIGNY，theVillageRose，UndertheWizard’sOak—oldtrysting—placeOfthosewholovedinrosyAquitaine。

Theythoughtthemselvesunwatched，buttheywerenot；

ForHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，FoundinLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC

Arival，enviousandunscrupulous，Whothoughtitnotfoulscorntododgehissteps，Andlisten，unperceived，toallthatpassedBetweenthesimplelittleVillageRoseAndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。

Aclumsybarrack—bullywasDUBOSC，Quiteunfamiliarwiththewell—bredtactThatanimatesapropergentlemanIndealingwithagirlofhumblerank。

You’llunderstandhiscoarsenesswhenIsayHewouldhavemarriedMAHRYDAUBIGNY，AnddraggedtheunsophisticatedgirlIntothewhirloffashionablelife，Forwhichhersingularlyrusticways，Herbreeding（moral，butextremelyrude），Herlanguage（chaste，butungrammatical），Wouldabsolutelyhaveunfittedher。

HowdifferenttothisunreflectingboorWasHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。

ContemporarywiththeincidentRelatedinouropeningparagraph，Wasthatsadwar’twixtGalliaandourselvesThatfollowedonthetreatysignedatTroyes；

AndsoLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC

（Bravesoldier，he，withallhisfaultsofstyle）

AndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，WeresentbyCHARLESofFranceagainstthelinesOfourSixthHENRY（Fourteentwenty—nine），TodrivehislegionsoutofAquitaine。

WhenHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Returned，suspectingnothing，tohiscamp，AfterhismeetingwiththeVillageRose，Hefoundinsidehisbarrackletter—boxAnotefromthecommandingofficer，Requiringhisattendanceathead—quarters。

Hewent，andfoundLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLES。

"YoungHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，ThisnightweshallattacktheEnglishcamp：

Bethe’forlornhope’yours—you’llleadit，sir，Andleadittoowithcredit，I’venodoubt。

Aseverymanmustcertainlybekilled（Foryouaretwenty’gainsttwothousandmen），Itisnotlikelythatyouwillreturn。

Butwhatofthat？you’llhavethebenefitOfknowingthatyoudieasoldier’sdeath。"

ObediencewasyoungHONGREE’Sstrongestpoint，ButheimaginedthatheonlyowedAllegiancetohisMAHRYandhisKing。

"IfMAHRYbademeleadthesefatedmen，I’dleadthem—butIdonotthinkshewould。

IfCHARLES，myKing，said，’Go，myson，anddie，’

I’dgo，ofcourse—mydutywouldbeclear。

ButMAHRYisinbedasleep，Ihope，AndCHARLES，myKing，ahundredleaguesfromthis。

AsforLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC，HowknowIthatourmonarchwouldapproveTheorderhehasgivenmeto—night？

MyKingI’vesworninallthingstoobey—

I’llonlytakemyordersfrommyKing!"

ThusHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Interpretedthetermsofhiscommission。

AndHONGREE，whowaswiseashewasgood，Disguisedhimselfthatnightinamplecloak，Roundflappinghat，andvizormaskofblack，Andmade，unnoticed，fortheEnglishcamp。

Hepassedtheunsuspectingsentinels（WholittlethoughtamaninthisdisguiseCouldbeaproperobjectofsuspicion），Anderethecurfewbellhadboomed"lightsout，"

HefoundinaudienceBedford’shaughtyDuke。

"YourGrace，"hesaid，"startnot—benotalarmed，AlthoughaFrenchmanstandsbeforeyoureyes。

I’mHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。

MyColonelwillattackyourcampto—night，Andordersmetoleadthehopeforlorn。

NowIamsureourexcellentKINGCHARLES

Wouldnotapproveofthis；buthe’sawayAhundredleagues，andrathermorethanthat。

So，utterlydevotedtomyKing，Blindedbymyattachmenttothethrone，Andhavingbutitsinterestatheart，IfeelitismydutytodiscloseAllschemesthatemanatefromCOLONELJOOLES，IfIbelievethattheyarenotthekindOfschemesthatourgoodmonarchwouldapprove。"

"Buthow，"saidBedford’sDuke，"doyouproposeThatweshouldoverthrowyourColonel’sscheme？"

AndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Repliedatoncewithnever—failingtact：

"Oh，sir，Iknowthiscursedcountrywell。

Entrustyourselfandallyourhosttome；

I’llleadyousafelybyasecretpathIntotheheartofCOLONELJOOLES’array，Andyoucanthenattackthemunprepared，Andslaymyfellow—countrymenunarmed。"

Thethingwasdone。TheDUKEofBEDFORDgaveTheorder，andtwothousandfightingmenCreptsilentlyintotheGalliccamp，AndslewtheFrenchmenastheylayasleep；

AndBedford’shaughtyDukeslewCOLONELJOOLES，AndgavefairMAHRY，prideofAquitaine，ToHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。

Ballad：EtiquetteTheBALLYSHANNONfounderedoffthecoastofCariboo，Anddowninfathomsmanywentthecaptainandthecrew；

Downwenttheowners—greedymenwhomhopeofgainallured：

Oh，drythestartingtear，fortheywereheavilyinsured。

Besidesthecaptainandthemate，theownersandthecrew，Thepassengerswerealsodrownedexceptingonlytwo：

YoungPETERGRAY，whotastedteasforBAKER，CROOP，ANDCO。，AndSOMERS，whofromEasternshoresimportedindigo。

Thesepassengers，byreasonoftheirclingingtoamast，Uponadesertislandwereeventuallycast。

Theyhuntedfortheirmeals，asALEXANDERSELKIRKused，Buttheycouldn’tchattogether—theyhadnotbeenintroduced。

ForPETERGRAY，andSOMERStoo，thoughcertainlyintrade，Wereproperlyparticularaboutthefriendstheymade；

Andsomehowthustheysettleditwithoutawordofmouth—

ThatGRAYshouldtakethenorthernhalf，whileSOMERStookthesouth。

OnPETER’Sportionoystersgrew—adelicacyrare，ButoysterswereadelicacyPETERcouldn’tbear。

OnSOMERS’sidewasturtle，ontheshinglelyingthick，WhichSOMERScouldn’teat，becauseitalwaysmadehimsick。

GRAYgnashedhisteethwithenvyashesawamightystoreOfturtleunmolestedonhisfellow—creature’sshore。

Theoystersathisfeetasideimpatientlyheshoved，Forturtleandhismotherweretheonlythingsheloved。

AndSOMERSsighedinsorrowashesettledinthesouth，ForthethoughtofPETER’Soystersbroughtthewatertohismouth。

Helongedtolayhimdownupontheshellybed，andstuff：

Hehadofteneatenoysters，buthadneverhadenough。

HowtheywishedanintroductiontoeachothertheyhadhadWhenonboardtheBALLYSHANNON!AnditdrovethemnearlymadTothinkhowveryfriendlywitheachothertheymightget，Ifitwasn’tforthearbitraryruleofetiquette!

Oneday，whenouta—huntingfortheMUSRIDICULUS，GRAYoverheardhisfellow—mansoliloquizingthus：

"Iwonderhowtheplaymatesofmyyoutharegettingon，M’CONNELL，S。B。WALTERS，PADDYBYLES，andROBINSON？"

ThesesimplewordsmadePETERasdelightedascouldbe，OldchummiesattheCharterhousewereROBINSONandhe!

HewalkedstraightuptoSOMERS，thenheturnedextremelyred，Hesitated，hummedandhawedabit，thenclearedhisthroat，andsaid：

Ibegyourpardon—prayforgivemeifIseemtoobold，ButyouhavebreathedanameIknewfamiliarlyofold。

YouspokealoudofROBINSON—Ihappenedtobeby。

Youknowhim？""Yes，extremelywell。""Allowme，sodoI。"

Itwasenough：theyfelttheycouldmorepleasantlygeton，For（ah，themagicofthefact!）theyeachknewROBINSON!

AndMr。SOMERS’turtlewasatPETER’Sservicequite，AndMr。SOMERSpunishedPETER’Soyster—bedsallnight。

Theysoonbecamelikebrothersfromcommunityofwrongs：

Theywroteeachotherlittleodesandsangeachothersongs；

Theytoldeachotheranecdotesdisparagingtheirwives；

Onseveraloccasions，too，theysavedeachother’slives。

Theyfeltquitemelancholywhentheypartedforthenight，Andgotupinthemorningsoonaseveritwaslight；

Eachother’spleasantcompanytheyreckonedsoupon，AndallbecauseithappenedthattheybothknewROBINSON!

Theylivedformanyyearsonthatinhospitableshore，Anddaybydaytheylearnedtoloveeachothermoreandmore。

Atlast，totheirastonishment，ongettinguponeday，Theysawafrigateanchoredintheoffingofthebay。

ToPETERanideaoccurred。"Supposewecrossthemain？

Sogoodanopportunitymaynotbefoundagain。"

AndSOMERSthoughtaminute，thenejaculated，"Done!

IwonderhowmybusinessintheCity’sgettingon？"

"Butstay，"saidMr。PETER："wheninEngland，asyouknow，IearnedalivingtastingteasforBAKER，CROOP，ANDCO。，Imaybesuperseded—myemployersthinkmedead!"

"Thencomewithme，"saidSOMERS，"andtasteindigoinstead。"

ButalltheirplanswerescatteredinamomentwhentheyfoundThevesselwasaconvictshipfromPortland，outwardbound；

Whenaboatcameofftofetchthem，thoughtheyfeltitverykind，Togoonboardtheyfirmlybutrespectfullydeclined。

Asboththehappysettlersroaredwithlaughteratthejoke，Theyrecognizedagentlemanlyfellowpullingstroke：

’TwasROBINSON—aconvict，inanunbecomingfrock!

Condemnedtosevenyearsformisappropriatingstock!!!

Theylaughednomore，forSOMERSthoughthehadbeenratherrashInknowingonewhosefriendhadmisappropriatedcash；

AndPETERthoughtafoolishtackhemusthavegoneuponInmakingtheacquaintanceofafriendofROBINSON。

Atfirsttheydidn’tquarrelveryopenly，I’veheard；

Theynoddedwhentheymet，andnowandthenexchangedaword：

Thewordgrewrare，andrarerstillthenoddingofthehead，Andwhentheymeeteachothernow，theycuteachotherdead。

Toallocatetheislandtheyagreedbywordofmouth，AndPETERtakesthenorthagain，andSOMERStakesthesouth；

AndPETERhastheoysters，whichhehates，inlayersthick，AndSOMERShastheturtle—turtlealwaysmakeshimsick。

Foonotes：

（1）"GowithmetoaNotary—sealmethereYoursinglebond。"—MERCHANTOFVENICE，ActI。，sc。3。

（2）"Andthereshallshe，atFriarLawrence’cell，Beshrivedandmarried。"—ROMEOANDJULIET，ActII。，sc。4。

（3）"Andgivethefastinghorsesprovender。"—HENRYTHE

FIFTH，ActIV。，sc。2。

（4）"Letus，likemerchants，showourfoulestwares。"—

TROILUSANDCRESSIDA，ActI。，sc。3。

（5）"ThenmusttheJewbemerciful。"—MERCHANTOFVENICE，ActIV。，sc。1。

（6）"Thespring，thesummer，Thechillingautumn，angrywinter，changeTheirwontedliveries。"—MIDSUMMERNIGHTDREAM，ActIV。，sc。

1。

（7）"InthecountyofGlo’ster，justiceofthepeaceandCORAM。"

MERRYWIVESOFWINDSOR，ActI。，sc。1。

（8）"Whatlustytrumpetthusdothsummonus？"—KINGJOHN，ActV。，sc。2。

（9）"AndI’llprovidehisexecutioner。"—HENRYTHESIXTH

（SecondPart），ActIII。，sc。1。

（10）"Thelionesshadtornsomefleshaway，Whichallthiswhilehadbled。"—ASYOULIKEIT，ActIV。，sc。

3。

（11）DescribedbyMUNGOPARK。

（12）"Likeabird。"—SLANGEXPRESSION。

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