Herecomesthethriftyhousewifeofthepoor，towhomthedifferenceofatenthofapennyinthepriceofacabbageisall—important，andthemuchharassedkeeperofthepettypension。TherearehousesinBrusselswheretheywillfeedyou，lightyou，sleepyou，waitonyou，fortwofrancsaday。Witheredoldladies，ancientgovernesses，whowillteachyouforfortycentimesanhour，gatherroundtheserickettytables，wolfupthethinsoup，grumbleatthewaterycoffee，helpthemselveswithunladylikegreedinesstothepotatopie。Itmustneedcarefulhousewiferytokeepthesepoorcreaturesontwofrancsadayandmakeaprofitforyourself。So"Madame，"themuch—
grumbled—at，whohasgonetobedabouttwelve，risesalittlebeforefive，makesherwaydownwithherbasket。Thusafewsousmaybesavedupontheday’seconomies。
Sometimesitisamerechildwhoisthelittlehousekeeper。Onethinksthatperhapsthisearlytrainingintheartofhagglingmaynotbegoodforher。Alreadythereisahardexpressioninthechildisheyes，meanlinesaboutthelittlemouth。Thefinerqualitiesofhumanityareexpensiveluxuries，nottobeaffordedbythepoor。
Theyoverworktheirpatientdogs，andunderfeedthem。Duringthetwohours’marketthepoorbeasts，stillfastenedtotheirlittle"chariots，"restintheopenspaceabouttheneighbouringBourse。
Theysnatchatwhatyouthrowthem;theydonoteventhankyouwithawagofthetail。Gratitude！Politeness！Whatmeanyou？Wehavenotheardofsuch。Weonlywork。Someofthemamidallthedinliesleepingbetweentheirshafts。Somearelickingoneanother’ssores。
Onewouldtheywerebettertreated;alas！theirowners，likewise，areoverworkedandunderfed，housedinkennelsnobetter。Butifthemajorityineverysocietywerenotoverworkedandunderfedandmeanlyhoused，why，thentheminoritycouldnotbeunderworkedandoverfedandhousedluxuriously。Butthisistalktowhichnorespectablereadercanbeexpectedtolisten。
Theyareonebabelofbargaining，thesemarkets。Thepurchaserselectsacauliflower。Fortunately，cauliflowershavenofeelings，orprobablyitwouldburstintotearsattheexpressionwithwhichitisregarded。Itisimpossiblethatanyladyshoulddesiresuchacauliflower。Still，outofmerecuriosity，shewouldknowtheprice—
—thatis，iftheownerofthecauliflowerisnottoomuchashamedofittonameaprice。
Theownerofthecauliflowersuggestssixsous。Thethingistooridiculousforargument。Thepurchaserbreaksintoalaugh。
Theownerofthecauliflowerisstung。Shepointsoutthebeautiesofthatcauliflower。Apparentlyitisthecaulifloweroutofallherstockshelovesthebest;abettercauliflowerneverlived;ifthereweremorecauliflowersintheworldlikethisparticularcauliflowerthingsmightbedifferent。Shegivesasketchofthecauliflower’scareer，fromitsyouthupwards。Hardenoughitwillbeforherwhenthehourforpartingfromitcomes。Iftheotherladyhasnotsufficientknowledgeofcauliflowerstoappreciateit，willshekindlynotpawitabout，butputitdownandgoaway，andneverlettheownerofthecauliflowerseeheragain。
Theotherlady，moreasafriendthanasapurchaser，pointsoutthecauliflower’sdefects。Shewisheswelltotheownerofthecauliflower，andwouldliketoteachhersomethingaboutherbusiness。Aladywhothinkssuchacauliflowerworthsixsouscanneverhopetosucceedasacauliflowervendor。Hasshereallytakenthetroubletoexaminethecauliflowerforherself，orhaslovemadeherblindtoitsshortcomings？
Theownerofthecaulifloweristooindignanttoreply。Shesnatchesitaway，appearstobecomfortingit，replacesitinthebasket。Theotherladyisgrievedathumanobstinacyandstupidityingeneral。
Iftheownerofthecauliflowerhadhadanysenseshewouldhaveaskedfoursous。Eventuallybusinessisdoneatfive。
Itisthecustomeverywhereabroad——askingthepriceofathingissimplyopeningconversation。Aladytoldmethat，thefirstdayshebeganhousekeepinginFlorence，shehandedovertoapoultererforachickenthepricehehaddemanded——withprotestationsthathewaslosingonthetransaction，butwanted，forfamilyreasons，apparently，togetridofthechicken。Hestoodforhalfaminutestaringather，andthen，beinganhonestsortofman，threwinapigeon。
ForeignhousekeepersstartingbusinessinLondonappearhurtwhenourtradesmendeclinetoaccepthalf—a—crownforarticlesmarkedthree—
and—six。
"Thenwhymarkitonlythree—and—sixpence？"istheforeignhousekeeper’sargument。
SHOULDMARRIEDMENPLAYGOLF？
ThatweEnglishmenattachtoomuchimportancetosportgoeswithoutsaying——or，rather，ithasbeensaidsooftenastohavebecomeacommonplace。OneofthesedayssomereformingEnglishnovelistwillwriteabook，showingtheevileffectsofover—indulgenceinsport：
theneglectedbusiness，theruinedhome，theslowbutsuresappingofthebrain——whattheremayhavebeenofitinthebeginning——leadingtosemi—imbecilityandyearlyincreasingobesity。
Ayoungcouple，Ionceheardof，wentfortheirhoneymoontoScotland。Thepoorgirldidnotknowhewasagolfer（hehadwooedandwonherduringaperiodofidlenessenforcedbyasprainedshoulder），ormaybeshewouldhaveavoidedScotland。Theideatheystartedwithwasthatofatour。Theseconddaythemanwentoutforastrollbyhimself。Atdinner—timeheobserved，withafar—awaylookinhiseyes，thatitseemedaprettyspottheyhadstruck，andsuggestedtheirstayingthereanotherday。Thenextmorningafterbreakfastheborrowedaclubfromthehotelporter，andremarkedthathewouldtakeawalkwhileshefinisheddoingherhair。Hesaiditamusedhim，swingingaclubwhilehewalked。Hereturnedintimeforlunchandseemedmoodyalltheafternoon。Hesaidtheairsuitedhim，andurgedthattheyshouldlingeryetanotherday。
Shewasyoungandinexperienced，andthought，maybe，itwasliver。
Shehadheardmuchaboutliverfromherfather。Thenextmorningheborrowedmoreclubs，andwentout，thistimebeforebreakfast，returningtoalateandnotoversociabledinner。Thatwastheendoftheirhoneymoonsofarasshewasconcerned。Hemeantwell，butthethinghadgonetoofar。Thevicehadenteredintohisblood，andthesmellofthelinksdroveoutallotherconsiderations。
Wearemostofusfamiliar，Itakeit，withthestoryofthegolfingparson，whocouldnotkeepfromswearingwhentheballswentwrong。
"Golfandtheministrydon’tseemtogotogether，"hisfriendtoldhim。"Takemyadvicebeforeit’stoolate，andgiveitup，Tammas。"
AfewmonthslaterTammasmethisfriendagain。
"Youwereright，Jamie，"criedtheparsoncheerily，"theydidnarunwellinharness;golfandthemeenistry，Ihaefollowedyouradvice：
Ihaegi’enitoop。"
"Thenwhatareyedoingwiththatsackofclubs？"inquiredJamie。
"WhatamIdoingwiththem？"repeatedthepuzzledTammas。"WhyIamgoingtoplaygolfwiththem。"Alightbrokeuponhim。"GreatHeavens，man！"hecontinued，"yedidna’think’twasthegolfI’dgi’enoop？"
TheEnglishmandoesnotunderstandplay。Hemakesalife—longlabourofhissport，andtoitsacrificesmindandbody。ThehealthresortsofEurope——toparaphraseafamoussayingthatnobodyappearstohavesaid——drawhalftheirprofitsfromtheplayingfieldsofEtonandelsewhere。InSwissandGermankurhausenenormouslyfatmenbeardownuponyouandexplaintoyouthatoncetheywerethechampionsprintersorthehigh—jumprepresentativesoftheiruniversity——menwhonowholdontothebannistersandgroanastheyhaulthemselvesupstairs。Consumptivemen，betweenparoxysmsofcoughing，tellyouofthegoalstheyscoredwhentheywerehalf—backsorforwardsofextraordinaryability。Ex—light—weightamateurpugilists，withthefigurenowofanAmericanroll—topdesk，buttyouintoacornerofthebilliard—room，and，surprisedtheycannotgetasnearyouastheywoulddesire，whispertoyouthesecretofavoidingtheundercutbytheswiftnessofthebackwardleap。Broken—downtennisplayers，one—
leggedskaters，dropsicalgentlemen—riders，aretobemetwithhobblingoncrutchesalongeveryhighwayoftheEngadine。
Theyarepitiableobjects。Neverhavinglearnttoreadanythingbutthesportingpapers，booksareofnousetothem。Theyneverwastedmuchoftheiryouthonthought，and，apparently，havelosttheknackofit。Theydon’tcareforart，andNatureonlysuggeststothemthethingstheycannolongerdo。Thesnow—cladmountainremindsthemthatoncetheyweredaringtobogannists;theundulatingcommonmakesthemsadbecausetheycannolongerhandleagolf—club;bytheriversidetheysitdownandtellyouofthesalmontheycaughtbeforetheycaughtrheumaticfever;birdsonlymakethemlongforguns;
musicraisesvisionsofthelocalcricket—matchoflongago，enlivenedbythelocalband;apicturesqueestaminet，withlittletablesspreadoutunderthevines，recallsbittermemoriesofping—
pong。Oneissorryforthem，buttheirconversationisnotexhilarating。Themanwhohasotherinterestsinlifebeyondsportisapttofindtheirreminiscencesmonotonous;whiletooneanothertheydonotcaretotalk。Onegathersthattheydonotaltogetherbelieveoneanother。
Theforeigneristakingkindlytooursports;onehopeshewillbeforewarnedbyourexampleandnotoverdothething。Atpresent，oneisboundtoadmit，heshowsnosignoftakingsporttooseriously。
FootballisgainingfavourmoreandmorethroughoutEurope。ButyettheFrenchmanhasnotgotitoutofhisheadthatthecouptopractiseiskickingtheballhighintotheairandcatchingituponhishead。Hewouldrathercatchtheballuponhisheadthanscoreagoal。Ifhecanmanoeuvretheballawayintoacorner，kickitupintotheairtwicerunning，andeachtimecatchitonhishead，hedoesnotseemtocarewhathappensafterthat。Anybodycanhavetheball;hehashadhisgameandishappy。
TheytalkofintroducingcricketintoBelgium;Ishallcertainlytrytobepresentattheopeninggame。Iamafraidthat，untilhelearnsfromexperience，theBelgianfielderwillstopcricketballswithhishead。Thattheheadistheproperthingwithwhichtoplayballappearstobeinhisblood。Myheadisround，heargues，andhard，justliketheballitself;whatpartofthehumanframemorefitandproperwithwhichtomeetandstopaball。
Golfhasnotyetcaughton，buttennisisfirmlyestablishedfromSt。
PetersburgtoBordeaux。TheGerman，withthethoroughnesscharacteristicofhim，isworkinghard。Universityprofessors，stoutmajors，risingearlyinthemorning，hireboysandpractiseback—
handersandhalf—volleys。ButtotheFrenchman，asyet，itisagame。Heplaysitinahappy，merryfashion，thatisshockingtoEnglisheyes。
Yourpartner’sserviceratherastonishesyou。Anoccasionalyardorsobeyondthelinehappenstoanyone，butthisman’sobjectappearstobetobreakwindows。Youfeelyoureallymustremonstrate，whenthejoyouslaughterandtumultuousapplauseofthespectatorsexplainthepuzzletoyou。Hehasnotbeentryingtoserve;hehasbeentryingtohitamaninthenextcourtwhoisstoopingdowntotieuphisshoe—lace。Withhislastballhehassucceeded。Hehashitthemaninthesmalloftheback，andhasbowledhimover。Theunanimousopinionofthesurroundingcriticsisthattheballcouldnotpossiblyhavebeenbetterplaced。ADohertyhasneverwongreaterapplausefromthecrowd。Eventhemanwhohasbeenhitappearspleased;itshowswhataFrenchmancandowhenhedoestakeupagame。
ButFrenchhonourdemandsrevenge。Heforgetshisshoe，heforgetshisgame。Hegatherstogetheralltheballsthathecanfind;hisballs，yourballs，anybody’sballsthathappentobehandy。Andthencommencesthereturnmatch。Atthispointitisbesttocrouchdownundershelterofthenet。Mostoftheplayersroundaboutadoptthisplan;themoretimidmakefortheclub—house，and，findingthemselvesthere，ordercoffeeandlightupcigarettes。Afterawhilebothplayersappeartobesatisfied。Theotherplayersthengatherroundtoclaimtheirballs。Thismakesagoodgamebyitself。Theobjectistogetasmanyballsasyoucan，yourownandotherpeople’s——forpreferenceotherpeople’s——andrunoffwiththemroundthecourts，followedbywhoopingclaimants。
Inthecourseofhalf—an—hourorso，wheneverybodyisdeadbeat，thegame——theoriginalgame——isresumed。Youdemandthescore;yourpartnerpromptlysaysitis"forty—fifteen。"Bothyouropponentsrushuptothenet，andapparentlythereisgoingtobeaduel。Itisonlyafriendlyaltercation;theyverymuchdoubtitsbeing"forty—fifteen。""Fifteen—forty"theycouldbelieve;theysuggestitasacompromise。Thediscussionisconcludedbycallingitdeuce。
Asitisrareforagametoproceedwithoutsomesuchincidentoccurringinthemiddleofit，thescoregenerallyisdeuce。Thisavoidsheart—burning;nobodywinsasetandnobodyloses。Theonegamegenerallysufficesfortheafternoon。
Totheearnestplayer，itisalsoconfusingtomissyourpartneroccasionally——toturnroundandfindthatheistalkingtoaman。
Nobodybutyourselftakestheslightestobjectiontohisabsence。
Theothersideappeartoregarditasagoodopportunitytoscore。
Fiveminuteslaterheresumesthegame。Hisfriendcomeswithhim，alsothedogofhisfriend。Thedogiswelcomedwithenthusiasm;allballsarereturnedtothedog。Untilthedogistiredyoudonotgetalookin。Butallthiswillnodoubtsoonbechanged。TherearesomeexcellentFrenchandBelgianplayers;fromthemtheircompatriotswillgraduallylearnhigherideals。TheFrenchmanisyounginthegame。Astherightconceptionofthegamegrowsuponhim，hewillalsolearntokeeptheballslower。
Isupposeitisthecontinentalsky。Itissoblue，sobeautiful;itnaturallyattractsone。Anyhow，thefactremainsthatmosttennisplayersontheContinent，whetherEnglishorforeign，haveatendencytoaimtheballdirectatHeaven。AtanEnglishclubinSwitzerlandthereexistedinmydaysayoungEnglishmanwhowasreallyawonderfulplayer。Togettheballpasthimwasalmostanimpossibility。Itwashisreturnthatwasweak。Heonlyhadonestroke;theballwentahundredfeetorsointotheairanddescendedinhisopponent’scourt。Theothermanwouldstandwatchingit，alittlespeckintheHeavens，growinggraduallybiggerandbiggerasitnearedtheearth。Newcomerswouldchattertohim，thinkinghehaddetectedaballoonoraneagle。Hewouldwavethemaside，explaintothemthathewouldtalktothemlater，afterthearrivaloftheball。
Itwouldfallwithathudathisfeet，riseanothertwentyyardsorsoandagaindescend。Whenitwasattheproperheighthewouldhititbackoverthenet，andthenextmomentitwouldbemountingtheskyagain。AttournamentsIhaveseenthatyoungman，withtearsinhiseyes，pleadingtobegivenanumpire。Everyumpirehadfled。
Theyhidbehindtrees，borrowedsilkhatsandumbrellasandpretendedtheywerevisitors——anydevice，howevermean，toavoidthetaskofumpiringforthatyoungman。Providedhisopponentdidnotgotosleeporgetcramp，onegamemightlastallday。Anyonecouldreturnhisballs;but，asIhavesaid，togetaballpasthimwasalmostanimpossibility。Heinvariablywon;theotherman，afteranhourorso，wouldgetmadandtrytolose。Itwashisonlychanceofdinner。
Itisaprettysight，generallyspeaking，atennisgroundabroad。
Thewomenpaymoreattentiontotheircostumesthandoourladyplayers。Themenareusuallyinspotlesswhite。Thegroundisoftencharminglysituated，theclub—housepicturesque;thereisalwayslaughterandmerriment。Theplaymaynotbesogoodtowatch，butthepictureisdelightful。IaccompaniedamanalittlewhileagotohisclubontheoutskirtsofBrussels。Thegroundwasborderedbyawoodononeside，andsurroundedontheotherthreebypetitesfermes——allotments，asweshouldcalltheminEngland，workedbythepeasantsthemselves。
Itwasagloriousspringafternoon。Thecourtswerecrowded。Theredearthandthegreengrassformedabackgroundagainstwhichthewomen，intheirnewParisiantoilets，undertheirbrightparasols，stoodoutlikewondrousbouquetsofmovingflowers。Thewholeatmospherewasadelightfulminglingofidlegaiety，flirtation，andgracefulsensuousness。AmodernWatteauwouldhaveseizeduponthescenewithavidity。
Justbeyond——separatedbythealmostinvisiblewirefencing——agroupofpeasantswereworkinginthefield。Anoldwomanandayounggirl，withropesabouttheirshoulders，weredrawingaharrow，guidedbyawitheredoldscarecrowofaman。Theypausedforamomentatthewirefencing，andlookedthrough。Itwasanoddcontrast;thetwoworldsdividedbythatwirefencing——soslight，almostinvisible。
Thegirlsweptthesweatfromherfacewithherhand;thewomanpushedbackhergreylocksunderneaththehandkerchiefknottedaboutherhead;theoldmanstraightenedhimselfwithsomedifficulty。Sotheystood，forperhapsaminute，gazingwithquiet，passionlessfacesthroughthatslightfencing，thatapushfromtheirwork—
hardenedhandsmighthavelevelled。
Wasthereanythought，Iwonder，passingthroughtheirbrains？Theyounggirl——shewasahandsomecreatureinspiteofherdisfiguringgarments。Thewoman——itwasawonderfullyfineface：clear，calmeyes，deep—setunderasquarebroadbrow。Thewitheredoldscarecrow——eversowingtheseedinthespringofthefruitthatothersshalleat。
Theoldmanbentagainovertheguidingropes：gavetheword。Theteammovedforwardupthehill。ItisAnatoleFrance，Ithink，whosays：Societyisbaseduponthepatienceofthepoor。
AREEARLYMARRIAGESAMISTAKE？
IamcharynowadaysofofferingcounselinconnectionwithsubjectsconcerningwhichIamnotandcannotbeanauthority。LongagoI
oncetookuponmyselftowriteapaperaboutbabies。Itdidnotaimtobeatextbookonthesubject。Itdidnotevenclaimtoexhaustthetopic。Iwaswillingthatothers，comingafterme，shouldcontinuetheargument——thatisif，uponreflection，theywerestillofopiniontherewasanythingmoretobesaid。Iwaspleasedwiththearticle。Iwentoutofmywaytoobtainanearlycopyofthemagazineinwhichitappeared，onpurposetoshowittoaladyfriendofmine。Shewasthepossessorofoneortwobabiesofherown，specimensinnowayremarkable，thoughsheherself，aswasnaturalenough，didherbesttoboomthem。Ithoughtitmightbehelpfultoher：theviewsandobservations，notofarivalfancier，whowouldbeprejudiced，butofanintelligentamateur。Iputthemagazineintoherhands，openedattheproperplace。
"Readitthroughcarefullyandquietly，"Isaid;"don’tletanythingdistractyou。Haveapencilandabitofpaperreadyatyourside，andnotedownanypointsuponwhichyouwouldlikefurtherinformation。IfthereisanythingyouthinkIhavemissedoutletmeknow。Itmaybethathereandthereyouwillbedisagreeingwithme。
Ifso，donothesitatetomentionit，Ishallnotbeangry。IfademandarisesIshallverylikelyissueanenlargedandimprovededitionofthispaperintheformofapamphlet，inwhichcasehintsandsuggestionsthattoyoumayappearalmostimpertinentwillbeofdistincthelptome。"
"Ihaven’tgotapencil，"shesaid;"what’sitallabout？"
"It’saboutbabies，"Iexplained，andIlentherapencil。
ThatisanotherthingIhavelearnt。Neverlendapenciltoawomanifyoueverwanttoseeitagain。Shehasthreeanswerstoyourrequestforitsreturn。Thefirst，thatshegaveitbacktoyouandthatyouputitinyourpocket，andthatit’stherenow，andthatifitisn’titoughttobe。Thesecond，thatyouneverlentittoher。
Thethird，thatshewishespeoplewouldnotlendherpencilsandthenclamourforthemback，justwhenshehassomethingelsefarmoreimportanttothinkabout。
"Whatdoyouknowaboutbabies？"shedemanded。
"Ifyouwillreadthepaper，"Ireplied，"youwillseeforyourself。
It’sallthere。"
Sheflickedoverthepagescontemptuously。
"Theredoesn’tseemmuchofit？"sheretorted。
"Itiscondensed，"Ipointedouttoher。
"Iamgladitisshort。Allright，I’llreadit，"sheagreed。
Ithoughtmypresencemightdisturbher，sowentoutintothegarden。
Iwantedhertogetthefullbenefitofit。Icreptbacknowandagaintopeepthroughtheopenwindow。Shedidnotseemtobemakingmanynotes。ButIheardhermakinglittlenoisestoherself。WhenI
sawshehadreachedthelastpage，Ire—enteredtheroom。
"Well？"Isaid。
"Isitmeanttobefunny，"shedemanded，"orisitintendedtobetakenseriously？"
"Theremaybeflashesofhumourhereandthere——"
Shedidnotwaitformetofinish。
"Becauseifit’smeanttobefunny，"shesaid，"Idon’tthinkitisatallfunny。Andifitisintendedtobeserious，there’sonethingveryclear，andthatisthatyouarenotamother。"
Withtheunerringinstinctoftheborncriticshehaddivinedmyoneweakpoint。OtherobjectionsraisedagainstmeIcouldhavemet。
Butthatonestingingreproachwasunanswerable。Ithasmademe，asIhaveexplained，charyoftenderingadviceonmattersoutsidemyowndepartmentoflife。Otherwise，everyyear，aboutValentine’sday，thereismuchthatIshouldliketosaytomygoodfriendsthebirds。
Iwanttoputittothemseriously。IsnotthemonthofFebruaryjustalittletooearly？Ofcourse，theiranswerwouldbethesameasinthecaseofmymotherlyfriend。
"Oh，whatdoyouknowaboutit？youarenotabird。"
IknowIamnotabird，butthatistheveryreasonwhytheyshouldlistentome。Ibringafreshmindtobearuponthesubject。Iamnottieddownbybirdconvention。February，mydearfriends——inthesenorthernclimesofoursatallevents——ismuchtooearly。Youhavetobuildinahighwind，andnothing，believeme，triesalady’stempermorethanbeingblownabout。Natureisnature，andwomenfolk，mydearsirs，arethesamealltheworldover，whethertheybebirdsorwhethertheybehuman。Iamanolderpersonthanmostofyou，andIspeakwiththeweightofexperience。
IfIweregoingtobuildahousewithmywife，Ishouldnotchooseaseasonoftheyearwhenthebricksandplanksandthingswereliabletobetornoutofherhand，herskirtsblownoverherhead，andsheleftclingingfordearlifetoascaffoldingpole。Iknowthefemininebipedand，youtakeitfromme，thatisnothernotionofahoneymoon。InAprilorMay，thesunshining，theairbalmy——when，aftercarryinguptoheraloadortwoofbricks，andahodortwoofmortar，wecouldknockoffworkforafewminuteswithoutfearofthewholehousebeingsweptawayintothenextstreet——couldsitsidebysideonthetopofawall，ourlegsdanglingdown，andpeckandmorseltogether;afterwhichIcouldwhistleabittoher——thenhousebuildingmightbeapleasure。
Theswallowsarewisest;Juneistheiridea，andaverygoodidea，too。InamountainvillageintheTyrol，earlyonesummer，Ihadtheopportunityofwatchingverycloselythebuildingofaswallow’snest。Aftercoffee，thefirstmorning，Isteppedoutfromthegreat，cool，darkpassageofthewirtschaftintotheblazingsunlight，and，fornoparticularreason，pulled—tothemassivedoorbehindme。
Whilefillingmypipe，aswallowalmostbrushedbyme，thenwheeledroundagain，andtookupapositiononthefenceonlyafewyardsfromme。Hewascarryingwhattohimwasanexceptionallylargeandheavybrick。Heputitdownbesidehimonthefence，andcalledoutsomethingwhichIcouldnotunderstand。Ididnotmove。Hegotquiteexcitedandsaidsomemore。Itwasundoubtablehewasaddressingme——nobodyelsewasby。Ijudgedfromhistonethathewasgettingcrosswithme。Atthispointmytravellingcompanion，histoiletunfinished，puthisheadoutofthewindowjustaboveme。
"Suchanoddthing，"hecalleddowntome。"Inevernoticeditlastnight。Apairofswallowsarebuildinganesthereinthehall。
You’vegottobecarefulyoudon’tmistakeitforahat—peg。Theoldladysaystheyhavebuiltthereregularlyforthelastthreeyears。"
Thenitcametomewhatitwasthegentlemanhadbeensayingtome：
"Isay，sir，youwiththebitofwoodinyourmouth，youhavebeenandshutthedoorandIcan’tgetin。"
Now，withthekeyinmypossession，itwassoclearandunderstandable，Ireallyforgotforthemomenthewasonlyabird。
"Ibegyourpardon，"Ireplied，"Ihadnoidea。Suchanextraordinaryplacetobuildanest。"
Iopenedthedoorforhim，and，takinguphisbrickagain，heentered，andIfollowedhimin。Therewasadealoftalk。
"Heshutthedoor，"Iheardhimsay，"Chapthere，suckingthebitofwood。ThoughtIwasnevergoingtogetin。"
"Iknow，"wastheanswer;"ithasbeensodarkinhere，ifyou’llbelieveme，I’vehardlybeenabletoseewhatI’vebeendoing。"
"Finebrick，isn’tit？Wherewillyouhaveit？"
Observingmesittingthere，theyloweredtheirvoices。Evidentlyshewantedhimtoputthebrickdownandleavehertothink。Shewasnotquitesurewhereshewouldhaveit。He，ontheotherhand，wassurehehadfoundtherightplaceforit。Hepointeditouttoherandexplainedhisviews。Otherbirdsquarrelagooddealduringnestbuilding，butswallowsarethegentlestoflittlepeople。Shelethimputitwherehewantedto，andhekissedherandranout。Shecockedhereyeafterhim，watchedtillhewasoutofsight，thendeftlyandquicklyslippeditoutandfixedittheothersideofthedoor。
"Poordears"（Icouldseeitinthetossofherhead）;"theywillthinktheyknowbest;itisjustaswellnottoarguewiththem。"
EverysummerIsuffermuchfromindignation。Ilovetowatchtheswallowsbuilding。Theybuildbeneaththeeavesoutsidemystudywindow。Suchcheerfullittlechatter—boxestheyare。Longaftersunset，whenalltheotherbirdsaresleeping，theswallowsstillarechatteringsoftly。Itsoundsasiftheyweretellingoneanothersomeprettystory，andoftenIamsuretheremustbehumourinit，foreverynowandthenonehearsalittletwitteringlaugh。I
delightinhavingthemthere，soclosetome。Thefancycomestomethatoneday，whenmybrainhasgrownmorecunning，I，too，listeninginthetwilight，shallhearthestoriesthattheytell。
OneortwophrasesalreadyIhavecometounderstand："Onceuponatime"——"Long，longago"——"Inastrange，far—offland。"Ihearthesewordssoconstantly，IamsureIhavethemright。Icallit"SwallowStreet，"thisrowofsixorsevennests。Twoorthree，likevillasintheirowngrounds，standalone，andothersaresemi—detached。Itmakesmeangrythatthesparrowswillcomeandstealthem。Thesparrowswillhangaboutdeliberatelywaitingforapairofswallowstofinishtheirnest，andthen，withabrutallaughthatmakesmybloodboil，drivetheswallowsawayandtakepossessionofit。Andtheswallowsaresowonderfullypatient。
"Nevermind，oldgirl，"saysTommySwallow，afterthefirstbigcryisover，toJennySwallow，"let’stryagain。"
Andhalfanhourlater，fulloffreshplans，theyarechoosinganotherlikelysite，chatteringcheerfullyoncemore。Iwatchedthebuildingofaparticularnestfornearlyafortnightoneyear;andwhen，aftertwoorthreedays’absence，Ireturnedandfoundapairofsparrowscomfortablyencsoncedtherein，Ijustfeltmad。IsawMrs。Sparrowlookingout。Maybemyangerwasworkinguponmyimagination，butitseemedtomethatshenoddedtome：
"Nicelittlehouse，ain’tit？WhatIcallwellbuilt。"
Mr。Sparrowthenflewupwithagaudyfeather，dyedblue，whichbelongedtome。Irecognisedit。Ithadcomeoutofthebrushwithwhichthegirlbreaksthechinaornamentsinourdrawing—room。AtanyothertimeIshouldhavebeengladtoseehimflyingoffwiththewholething，handleincluded。ButnowIfeltthetheftofthatonefeatherasanaddedinjury。Mrs。Sparrowchirpedwithdelightatsightofthegaudymonstrosity。Havinggotthehousecheap，theyweregoingtospendtheirsmallamountofenergyuponinternaldecoration。Thatwastheirideaclearly，a"Libertyinterior。"ShelookedmorelikeaCockneysparrowthanacountryone——hadbeenbornandbredinRegentStreet，nodoubt。
"Thereisnotmuchjusticeinthisworld，"saidItomyself;"butthere’sgoingtobesomeintroducedintothisbusiness——thatis，ifI
canfindaladder。"
Ididfindaladder，andfortunatelyitwaslongenough。Mr。andMrs。SparrowwereoutwhenIarrived，possiblyonthehuntforcheapphotoframesandJapanesefans。Ididnotwanttomakeamess。I
removedthehouseneatlyintoadust—pan，andwipedthestreetclearofeverytraceofit。IhadjustputbacktheladderwhenMrs。
Sparrowreturnedwithapieceofpinkcotton—woolinhermouth。Thatwasherideaofacolourscheme：apple—blossompinkandReckitt’sbluesidebyside。Shedroppedherwoolandsatonthewaterspout，andtriedtounderstandthings。
"Numberone，numbertwo，numberfour;wheretheblazes"——sparrowsareessentiallycommon，andthewomenareasbadasthemen——"isnumberthree？"
Mr。Sparrowcameupfrombehind，overtheroof。Hewascarryingapieceofyellow—fluff，partofalamp—shade，asfarasIcouldjudge。
"Moveyourself，"hesaid，"what’sthesenseofsittingthereintherain？"
"Iwentoutjustforamoment，"repliedMrs。Sparrow;"Icouldnothavebeengone，no，notacoupleofminutes。WhenIcameback——"
"Oh，getindoors，"saidMr。Sparrow，"talkaboutitthere。"
"It’swhatI’mtellingyou，"continuedMrs。Sparrow，"ifyouwouldonlylisten。Thereisn’tanydoor，thereisn’tanyhouse——"
"Isn’tany——"Mr。Sparrow，holdingontotherimofthespout，turnedhimselftopsy—turvyandsurveyedthestreet。FromwhereIwasstandingbehindthelaurelbushesIcouldseenothingbuthisback。
Hestoodupagain，lookingangryandflushed。
"Whathaveyoudonewiththehouse？Can’tIturnmybackaminute——"
"Iain’tdonenothingwithit。AsIkeepontellingyou，Ihadonlyjustgone——"
"Oh，botherwhereyouhadgone。Where’sthedarnedhousegone？
that’swhatIwanttoknow。"
Theylookedatoneanother。Ifeverastonishmentwasexpressedintheattitudeofabirditwastoldbythetailsofthosetwosparrows。Theywhisperedwickedlytogether。Theideaoccurredtothemthatbyforceorcunningtheymightperhapsobtainpossessionofoneoftheothernests。Butalltheothernestswereoccupied，andevengentleJennySwallow，onceinherownhomewiththechildrenroundabouther，isnottobetrifledwith。Mr。Sparrowcalledatnumbertwo，puthisheadinatthedoor，andthenreturnedtothewaterspout。
"Ladysayswedon’tlivethere，"heexplainedtoMrs。Sparrow。Therewassilenceforawhile。
"NotwhatIcallaclassystreet，"commentedMrs。Sparrow。
"Ifitwerenotforthatterribletiredfeelingofmine，"saidMr。
Sparrow，"blameifIwouldn’tbuildahouseofmyown。"
"Perhaps，"saidMrs。Sparrow，"——Ihavehearditsaidthatalittlebitofwork，nowandthen，doesyougood。"
"Allsortsofwildideasaboutintheairnowadays，"saidMr。
Sparrow，"itdon’tdotolistentoeverybody。"
"Anditdon’tdotositstillanddonothingneither，"snappedMrs。
Sparrow。"Idon’twanttohavetoforgetI’malady，but——well，anymanwhowasamanwouldseethingsforhimself。"
"WhydidIeverymarry？"retortedMr。Sparrow。
Theyflewawaytogether，quarrelling。
DOWRITERSWRITETOOMUCH？
Onanewspaperplacard，theotherday，Isawannouncedanewnovelbyacelebratedauthor。Iboughtacopyofthepaper，andturnedeagerlytothelastpage。IwasdisappointedtofindthatIhadmissedthefirstsixchapters。ThestoryhadcommencedthepreviousSaturday;thiswasFriday。IsayIwasdisappointedandsoIwas，atfirst。Butmydisappointmentdidnotlastlong。Thebrightandintelligentsub—editor，accordingtothecustomnowinvogue，hadprovidedmewithashortsynopsisofthosefirstsixchapters，sothatwithoutthetroubleofreadingthemIknewwhattheywereallabout。
"Thefirstinstalment，"Ilearned，"introducesthereadertoabrilliantanddistinguishedcompany，assembledinthedrawing—roomofLadyMary’smaisonetteinParkStreet。Muchsmarttalkisindulgedin。"
Iknowthat"smarttalk"sowell。HadInotbeenluckyenoughtomissthatfirstchapterIshouldhavehadtolistentoitonceagain。
Possibly，hereandthere，itmighthavebeennewtome，butitwouldhaveread，Iknow，soveryliketheold。Adear，sweetwhite—hairedladyofmyacquaintanceisneversurprisedatanythingthathappens。
"Somethingverymuchofthesamekindoccurred，"shewillremember，"onewinterwhenwewerestayinginBrighton。Onlyonthatoccasiontheman’sname，Ithink，wasRobinson。"
Wedonotlivenewstories——norwritethemeither。Theman’snameintheoldstorywasRobinson，wealterittoJones。Ithappened，intheoldforgottentale，atBrighton，inthewintertime;wechangeittoEastbourne，inthespring。Itisnewandoriginal——tothosewhohavenotheard"somethingverylikeit"oncebefore。
"Muchsmarttalkisindulgedin，"sothesub—editorhasexplained。
Thereisabsolutelynoneedtoaskformorethanthat。ThereisaDuchesswhosaysimproperthings。Oncesheusedtoshockme。ButI
knowhernow。Sheisreallyanicewoman;shedoesn’tmeanthem。
Andwhentheheroineisintrouble，towardsthemiddleofthebook，sheisjustasamusingonthesideofvirtue。Thenthereisayoungerladywhosespecialityisproverbs。Apparentlywhenevershehearsaproverbshewritesitdownandstudiesitwiththeideaofseeingintohowmanydifferentformsitcanbetwisted。Itlooksclever;asamatteroffact，itisextremelyeasy。
Bevirtuousandyouwillbehappy。
Shejotsdownallthepossiblevariations：Bevirtuousandyouwillbeunhappy。
"Toosimplethatone，"shetellsherself。Bevirtuousandyourfriendswillbehappyifyouarenot。
"Better，butnotwickedenough。Letusthinkagain。Behappyandpeoplewilljumptotheconclusionthatyouarevirtuous。
"That’sgood，I’lltrythatoneatto—morrow’sparty。"
Sheisapainstakinglady。Onefeelsthat，betteradvised，shemighthavebeenofuseintheworld。
ThereislikewiseadisgracefuloldPeerwhotellsnaughtystories，butwhoisgoodatheart;andonepersonsoveryrudethatthewonderiswhoinvitedhim。
Occasionallyaslangygirlisincluded，andaclergyman，whotakestheheroineasideandtalkssensetoher，flavouredwithepigram。
AllthesepeoplechatteramixtureofLordChesterfieldandOliverWendellHolmes，ofHeine，Voltaire，MadamedeStael，andthelatelamentedH。J。Byron。"Howtheydoitbeatsme，"asIonceoverheardatamusichallastoutladyconfesstoherfriendwhilewitnessingtheperformanceofaclevertroup，stylingthemselves"TheBonelessWondersoftheUniverse。"
Thesynopsisaddedthat："UrsulaBart，acharmingandunsophisticatedyoungAmericangirlpossessedofanelusiveexpressionmakesherfirstacquaintancewithLondonsociety。"
Hereyouhaveaweek’sunnecessaryworkonthepartoftheauthorboileddowntoitsessentials。Shewasyoung。Onehardlyexpectsanelderlyheroine。The"young"mighthavebeendispensedwith，especiallyseeingitistoldusthatshewasagirl。Butmaybethisiscarping。Thereareyounggirlsandoldgirls。Perhapsitisaswelltohaveitinblackandwhite;shewasyoung。ShewasanAmericanyounggirl。ThereisbutoneAmericanyounggirlinEnglishfiction。Weknowbyhearttheunconventionalthingsthatshewilldo，thestartlinglyoriginalthingsthatshewillsay，thefreshilluminatingthoughtsthatwillcometoheras，cladinalooserobeofsomesoftclingingstuff，shesitsbeforethefire，inthesolitudeofherownroom。
Tocompletehershehadan"elusiveexpression。"Thedayswhenweusedtocataloguetheheroine’s"points"arepast。Formerlyitwaspossible。Amanwroteperhapssomehalf—a—dozennovelsduringthewholecourseofhiscareer。Hecouldhaveadarkgirlforthefirst，alightgirlforthesecond，sketchamerrylittlewenchforthethird，anddrawyousomethingstatelyforthefourth。Fortheremainingtwohecouldgoabroad。Nowadays，whenamanturnsoutanovelandsixshortstoriesonceayear，descriptionhastobedispensedwith。Itisnotthewriter’sfault。Thereisnotsufficientvarietyinthesex。Weusedtointroduceherthus：
"Imaginetoyourself，dearreader，anexquisiteandgraciouscreatureoffivefeetthree。Hergoldenhairofthatpeculiarshade"——herewouldfollowdirectionsenablingthereadertoworkitoutforhimself。Hewastopoursomeparticularwineintosomeparticularsortofglass，andwaveitaboutbeforesomeparticularsortofalight。Orhewastogetupatfiveo’clockonaMarchmorningandgointoawood。Inthiswayhecouldsatisfyhimselfastotheparticularshadeofgoldtheheroine’shairmighthappentobe。Ifhewereacarelessorlazyreaderhecouldsavehimselftimeandtroublebytakingtheauthor’swordforit。Manyofthemdid。
"Hereyes！"Theywereinvariablydeepandliquid。Theyhadtobeprettydeeptoholdalltheoddsandendsthatwerehiddeninthem;
sunlightandshadow，mischief，unsuspectedpossibilities，assortedemotions，strangewildyearnings。Anythingwedidn’tknowwhereelsetoputwesaidwashiddeninhereyes。
"Hernose！"Youcouldhavemadeitforyourselfoutofapen’orthofputtyafterreadingourdescriptionofit。
"Herforehead！"Itwasalways"lowandbroad。"Idon’tknowwhyitwasalwayslow。Maybebecausetheintellectualheroinewasnotthenpopular。ForthematterofthatIdoubtifshebereallypopularnow。Thebrainlessdoll，onefears，willcontinueformanyyearstocometobeman’sidealwoman——andwoman’sidealofherselfforpreciselythesameperiod，onemaybesure。
"Herchin！"Alessdegreeofvarietywaspermissibleinherchin。
Ithadtobeatananglesuggestiveofpiquancy，andithadtocontainatleastthesuspicionofadimple。
Toproperlyunderstandhercomplexionyouwereexpectedtoprovideyourselfwithacollectionofassortedfruitsandflowers。Thereareseasonsintheyearwhenitmusthavebeendifficultfortheconscientiousreadertohavemadesureofhercomplexion。Possiblyitwasforthispurposethatwaxflowersandfruit，carefullykeptfromthedustunderglasscases，werecommonobjectsinformertimesuponthetablesofthecultured。
Nowadayswecontentourselves——andourreadersalso，Iaminclinedtothink——withdashingheroffinafewboldstrokes。Wesaythatwheneversheenteredaroomtherecametoonedreamsofanoldworldgarden，thesoundoffar—offbells。Orthatherpresencebroughtwithitthescentofhollyhocksandthyme。AsamatteroffactI
don’tthinkhollyhocksdosmell。Itisasmallpoint;aboutsuchwedonottroubleourselves。InthecaseofthehomelytypeofgirlI
don’tseewhyweshouldnotborrowMr。Pickwick’sexpression，anddefineherbysayingthatinsomesubtlewayshealwayscontrivedtosuggestanodourofchopsandtomatosauce。
Ifwedesiretobeexactwemention，asthisparticularauthorseemstohavedone，thatshehadan"elusiveexpression，"orapenetratingfragrance。Orwesaythatshemoved，thecentreofanindefinablenuance。
Butitisnotpolicytobindoneselftoocloselytodetail。Awisefriendofmine，whoknowshisbusiness，describeshisheroinvariablyinthevaguestterms。Hewillnoteventellyouwhetherthemanistallorshort，cleanshavenorbearded。
"Makethefellownice，"ishisadvice。"Leteverywomanreaderpicturehimtoherselfasherparticularman。Theneverythinghesaysanddoesbecomesofimportancetoher。Sheiscarefulnottomissaword。"
Forthesamereasonheseestoitthathisheroinehasabitofeverygirlinher。Generallyspeaking，sheisacrossbetweenRomolaandDoraCopperfield。Hisnovelscommandenormoussales。Thewomensayhedrawsamantothelife，butdoesnotseemtoknowmuchaboutwomen。Themenlikehiswomen，butthinkhismenstupid。
Ofanotherfamousauthornowomanofmyacquaintanceisabletospeaktoohighly。Theytellmehisknowledgeoftheirsexissimplymarvellous，hisinsight，hisunderstandingofthemalmostuncanny。
Thinkingitmightproveuseful，Imadeanexhaustivestudyofhisbooks。InoticedthathiswomenwerewithoutexceptionbrilliantcharmingcreaturespossessedofthewitofaLadyWortlayMontagu，combinedwiththewisdomofaGeorgeEliot。Theywerenotallofthemgoodwomen，butallofthemwerecleverandallofthemwerefascinating。Icametotheconclusionthathisladycriticswerecorrect：hedidunderstandwomen。Buttoreturntooursynopsis。
Thesecondchapter，itappeared，transportedustoYorkshirewhere：
"BasilLongleat，atypicalyoungEnglishman，latelyhomefromcollege，resideswithhiswidowedmotherandtwosisters。Theyareadelightfulfamily。"
Whataworldoftroubletobothwriterandtoreaderisheresaved。
"AtypicalyoungEnglishman！"Theauthorprobablywrotefivepages，elaborating。Thefivewordsofthesub—editorpresenthimtomemorevividly。Iseehimpositivelyglisteningfromtheeffectsofsoapandwater。Iseehisclearblueeye;hisfaircrisplocks，thenaturalcurlinessofwhichannoyshimpersonally，thoughalluringtoeverybodyelse;hisfrankwinningsmile。Heis"latelyhomefromcollege。"Thattellsmethatheisafirst—classcricketer;afirst—
classoar;thatasahalf—backheisincomparable;thatheswimslikeCaptainWebb;isinthefirstrankoftennisplayers;thathishalf—
volleyatping—ponghasneverbeenstopped。Itdoesn’ttellmemuchabouthisbrainpower。Thedescriptionofhimasa"typicalyoungEnglishman"suggestsmoreinformationonthisparticularpoint。OneassumesthattheAmericangirlwiththeelusiveexpressionisgoingtohavesufficientforboth。
"Theyareadelightfulfamily。"Thesub—editordoesnotsayso，butIimaginethetwosistersarelikewisetypicalyoungEnglishwomen。
Theyrideandshootandcookandmaketheirowndresses，havecommonsenseandloveajoke。
Thethirdchapteris"takenupwiththehumoursofalocalcricketmatch。"
Thankyou，Mr。Sub—editor。IfeelIoweyougratitude。
Inthefourth，UrsulaBart（Iwasbeginningtogetanxiousabouther）
turnsupagain。SheisstayingattheusefulLadyMary’splaceinYorkshire。ShemeetsBasilbyaccidentonemorningwhileridingalone。ThatistheadvantageofhavinganAmericangirlforyourheroine。LiketheBritisharmy：itgoesanywhereanddoesanything。
InchapterfiveBasilandUrsulameetagain;thistimeatapicnic。
Thesub—editordoesnotwishtorepeathimself，otherwisehepossiblywouldhavesummedupchapterfivebysayingitwas"takenupwiththehumoursoftheusualpicnic。"
Inchaptersixsomethinghappens：
"Basil，returninghomeinthetwilight，comesacrossUrsulaBart，inalonelypointofthemoor，talkingearnestlytoarough—lookingstranger。Hisapproachoverthesoftturfbeingunnoticed，hecannothelpoverhearingUrsula’spartingwordstotheforbidding—lookingstranger：’Imustseeyouagain！To—morrownightathalf—pastnine！
Inthegatewayoftheruinedabbey！’Whoishe？AndwhymustUrsulaseehimagainatsuchanhour，insuchaspot？"
Sohere，atcostofreadingtwentylines，Iamlanded，sotospeak，atthebeginningoftheseventhchapter。Whydon’tIsettoworktoreadit？Thesub—editorhasspoiledme。
"Youreadit，"Iwanttosaytohim。"Tellmeto—morrowmorningwhatitisallabout。Whowasthisbounder？WhyshouldUrsulawanttoseehimagain？Whychooseadraughtyplace？Whyhalf—pastnineo’clockatnight，whichmusthavebeenanawkwardtimeforbothofthem——likelytoleadtotalk？WhyshouldIwadethoughthisseventhchapterofthreecolumnsandahalf？It’syourwork。Whatareyoupaidfor？"
Myfearislestthissortofthingshallleadtoademandonthepartofthepublicforcondensednovels。Whatbusymanisgoingtospendaweekofeveningsreadingabookwhenanicekindsub—editorispreparedinfiveminutestotellhimwhatitisallabout！
Thentherewillcomeaday——Ifeelit——whenthebusiness—likeEditorwillsaytohimself："Whatinthunderisthesenseofmypayingonemantowriteastoryofsixtythousandwordsandanothermantoreaditandtellitagaininsixteenhundred！"
Weshallbeexpectedtowriteournovelsinchaptersnotexceedingtwentywords。Ourshortstorieswillbereducedtotheformula：
"Littleboy。Pairofskates。Brokenice，Heaven’sgates。"Formerlyanauthor，commissionedtosupplyachild’stragedyofthisgenreforaChristmasnumber，wouldhavespunitoutintofivethousandwords。
Personally，Ishouldhavecommencedthepreviousspring——giventhereaderthesummerandautumntogetaccustomedtotheboy。Hewouldhavebeenagoodboy;thesortofboythatmakesabee—lineforthethinnestice。Hewouldhavelivedinacottage。Icouldhavespreadthatcottageovertwopages;thethingsthatgrewinthegarden，theviewfromthefrontdoor。YouwouldhaveknownthatboybeforeIhaddonewithhim——feltyouhadknownhimallyourlife。Hisquaintsayings，hischildishthoughts，hisgreatlongingswouldhavebeenimpresseduponyou。Thefathermighthavehadadashofhumourinhim，themother’searlygirlhoodwouldhavelentitselftoprettywriting。Fortheicewewouldhavehadamysteriouslakeinthewood，saidtobehaunted。Theboywouldhavelovedo’twilightstostanduponitsmargin。Hewouldhaveheardstrangevoicescallingtohim。Youwouldhavefeltthethingwascoming。
Somuchmighthavebeendone。WhenIthinkofthatplotwastedinninewordsitmakesmepositivelyangry。
Andwhatistobecomeofuswritersifthisistobethenewfashioninliterature？Wearepaidbythelengthofourmanuscriptatratesfromhalf—a—crownathousandwords，andupwards。InthecaseoffellowslikeDoyleandKiplingIamtolditrunsintopounds。Howarewetoliveonnovelstheserialrightsofwhichtomostofuswillworkoutatfourandnine—pence。
Itcan’tbedone。Itisnogoodtellingmeyoucanseenoreasonwhyweshouldlive。Thatisnoanswer。I’mtalkingplainbusiness。
Andwhataboutbook—rights？Whoisgoingtobuynovelsofthreepages？Theywillhavetobeprintedasleafletsandsoldatapennyadozen。MarieCorelliandHallCaine——ifallIhearaboutthemistrue——willpossiblymaketheirtenortwelveshillingsaweek。Butwhatabouttherestofus？Thisthingisworryingme。
SHOULDSOLDIERSBEPOLITE？
MydesirewasoncetopassapeacefulandpleasantwinterinBrussels，attendingtomywork，improvingmymind。Brusselsisabrightandcheerfultown，andIthinkIcouldhavesucceededhaditnotbeenfortheBelgianArmy。TheBelgianArmywouldfollowmeaboutandworryme。Judgingofitfrommyownexperience，Ishouldsayitwasagoodarmy。Napoleonlaiditdownasanaxiomthatyourenemyneveroughttobepermittedtogetawayfromyou——neveroughttobeallowedtofeel，evenforamoment，thathehadshakenyouoff。
WhattacticstheBelgianArmymightadoptunderotherconditionsIamunabletosay，butagainstmepersonallythatwastheplanofcampaignitdetermineduponandcarriedoutwithasuccessthatwasastonishing，eventomyself。
IfounditutterlyimpossibletoescapefromtheBelgianArmy。I
madeapointofchoosingthequietestandmostunlikelystreets，I
choseallhours——earlyinthemorning，intheafternoon，lateintheevening。ThereweremomentsofwildexaltationwhenIimaginedIhadgivenittheslip。Icouldnotseeitanywhere，Icouldnothearit。
"Now，"saidItomyself，"nowforfiveminutes’peaceandquiet。"
Ihadbeendoingitinjustice：ithadbeenworkingroundme。
Approachingthenextcorner，Iwouldhearthetattooofitsdrum。
BeforeIhadgoneanotherquarterofamileitwouldbeinfullpursuitofme。Iwouldjumpuponatram，andtravelformiles。
Then，thinkingIhadshakenitoff，Iwouldalightandproceeduponmywalk。Fiveminuteslateranotherdetachmentwouldbeuponmyheels。Iwouldslinkhome，theBelgianArmypursuingmewithitsexultanttattoo。Vanquished，shamed，myinsularprideforevervanished，Iwouldcreepupintomyroomandclosethedoor。ThevictoriousBelgianArmywouldthenmarchbacktobarracks。
Ifonlyithadfollowedmewithaband：Ilikeaband。Icanloafagainstapost，listeningtoabandwithanyone。Ishouldnothavemindedsomuchhaditcomeaftermewithaband。ButtheBelgianArmy，apparently，doesn’truntoaband。Ithasnothingbutthisdrum。Ithasnotevenarealdrum——notwhatIcalladrum。Itisalittleboy’sdrum，thesortofthingIusedtoplaymyselfatonetime，untilpeopletookitawayfromme，andthreatenedthatiftheyhearditonceagainthatdaytheywouldbreakitovermyownhead。
Itiscowardlygoingupanddown，playingadrumofthissort，whenthereisnobodytostopyou。Themanwouldnotdaretodoitifhismotherwasabout。Hedoesnotevenplayit。Hewalksalongtappingitwithalittlestick。There’snotune，there’snosenseinit。Hedoesnotevenkeeptime。Iusedtothinkatfirst，hearingitinthedistance，thatitwastheworkofsomeyounggaminwhooughttobeatschool，ormakinghimselfusefultakingthebabyoutintheperambulator：andIwoulddrawbackintodarkdoorways，determined，ashecameby，todartoutandpullhisearforhim。Tomyastonishment——forthefirstweek——IlearntitwastheBelgianArmy，gettingitselfaccustomed，onesupposes，tothehorrorsofwar。Ithadtheeffectofmakingmeapeace—at—any—priceman。
TheytellmethesearmiesarenecessarytopreservethetranquilityofEurope。Formyself，Ishouldbewillingtoruntheriskofanoccasionalrow。Cannotsomeonetellthemtheyareoutofdate，withtheirbitsoffeathersandtheiroddsandendsofironmongery——grownmenthatcannotbesentoutforawalkunlessaccompaniedbyacoupleofnursemen，blowingatinwhistleandtappingadrumoutofatoyshoptokeeptheminorderandpreventtheirrunningabout：onemightthinktheywerechickens。Aherdofsoldierswiththeirpotsandpansandparcels，andalltheirdeadlythingstiedontothem，prancingaboutintimetoatune，makesmethinkalwaysoftheWhiteKnightthatAlicemetinWonderland。Itakeitthatforpracticalpurposes——tofightforyourcountry，ortofightforsomebodyelse’scountry，whichis，generallyspeaking，morepopular——thethingessentialisthatacertainproportionofthepopulaceshouldbeabletoshootstraightwithagun。Howstandinginalineandturningoutyourtoesisgoingtoassistyou，undermodernconditionsofwarfare，isoneofthemanythingsmyintellectisincapableofgrasping。
Inmediaevaldays，whenmenfoughthandtohand，theremusthavebeenadvantageincombinedandprecisemovement。Whenarmiesweremereironmachines，thesimpleendeavourofeachbeingtopushtheotherofftheearth，thenthestrikingsimultaneouslywithathousandarmswaspartofthegame。Now，whenweshootfrombehindcoverwithsmokelesspowder，brainnotbruteforce——individualsensenotcombinedsolidityissurelytheresulttobeaimedat。Cannotsomebody，asIhavesuggested，explaintothemilitarymanthattheproperplaceforthedrillsergeantnowadaysisunderaglasscaseinsomemuseumofantiquities？
IlivedonceneartheHydeParkbarracks，andsawmuchofthedrillsergeant’smethod。Generallyspeaking，heisastoutmanwiththewalkofanegotisticalpigeon。Hisvoiceisoneofthemostextraordinarythingsinnature：ifyoucandistinguishitfromthebarkofadog，youareclever。Theytellmethattheprivates，afteralittlepractice，can——whichgivesoneahigheropinionoftheirintelligencethanotherwiseonemightform。ButmyselfIdoubteventhisstatement。IwastheownerofafineretrieverdogaboutthetimeofwhichIamspeaking，andsometimesheandIwouldamuseourselvesbywatchingMr。Sergeantexercisinghissquad。Onemorninghehadbeenshoutingouttheusual"Whough，whough，whough！"forabouttenminutes，andallhadhithertogonewell。Suddenly，andevidentlytohisintenseastonishment，thesquadturnedtheirbacksuponhimandcommencedtowalktowardstheSerpentine。
"Halt！"yelledthesergeant，theinstanthisamazedindignationpermittedhimtospeak，whichfortunatelyhappenedintimetosavethedetachmentfromawaterygrave。
Thesquadhalted。
"Whothethunder，andtheblazes，andotherthingstoldyoutodothat？"
Thesquadlookedbewildered，butsaidnothing，andwerebroughtbacktotheplacewheretheywerebefore。Aminutelaterpreciselythesamethingoccurredagain。Ireallythoughtthesergeantwouldburst。Iwaspreparingtohastentothebarracksformedicalaid。
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