Contents：

AreWeAsInterestingAsWeThinkWeAre？

ShouldWomenBeBeautiful？

WhenIsTheBestTimeToBeMerry？

DoWeLieA—BedTooLate？

ShouldMarriedMenPlayGolf？

AreEarlyMarriagesAMistake？

DoWritersWriteTooMuch？

ShouldSoldiersBePolite？

OughtStoriesToBeTrue？

CreaturesThatOneDayShallBeMenHowToBeHappyThoughLittleShouldWeSayWhatWeThink，OrThinkWhatWeSay？

IsTheAmericanHusbandMadeEntirelyOfStainedGlassDoesTheYoungManKnowEverythingWorthKnowing？

HowManyCharmsHathMusic，WouldYouSay？

Thewhiteman’sburden！Needitbesoheavy？

WhyDidn’tHeMarryTheGirl？

WhatMrs。WilkinsthoughtaboutitShallWeBeRuinedByChineseCheapLabour？

HowToSolveTheServantProblemWhyWeHateTheForeignerAREWEASINTERESTINGASWETHINKWEARE？

"Charmed。Veryhotweatherwe’vebeenhavingoflate——Imeancold。

Letmesee，Ididnotquitecatchyournamejustnow。Thankyousomuch。Yes，itisabitclose。"Andasilencefalls，neitherofusbeingabletothinkwhatnexttosay。

Whathashappenedisthis：Myhosthasmetmeinthedoorway，andshakenmeheartilybythehand。

"Sogladyouwereabletocome，"hehassaid。"Somefriendsofminehere，veryanxioustomeetyou。"Hehasbustledmeacrosstheroom。

"Delightfulpeople。You’lllikethem——havereadallyourbooks。"

Hehasbroughtmeuptoastatelylady，andhaspresentedme。Wehaveexchangedthecustomarycommonplaces，andshe，Ifeel，iswaitingformetosaysomethingclever，originalandtactful。AndI

don’tknowwhethersheisPresbyterianorMormon;aProtectionistoraFreeTrader;whethersheisengagedtobemarriedorhaslatelybeendivorced！

Afriendofmineadoptsthesensibleplanofalwaysprovidingyouwithashorthistoryofthepersontowhomheisabouttoleadyou。

"IwanttointroduceyoutoaMrs。Jones，"hewhispers。"Cleverwoman。Wroteabooktwoyearsago。Forgetthenameofit。

Somethingabouttwins。Keepawayfromsausages。FatherranaporkshopintheBorough。HusbandontheStockExchange。Keepoffcoke。

Unpleasantnessaboutacompany。You’llgetonbestbystickingtothebook。Lotinitaboutplatonicfriendship。Don’tseemtobelookingtoocloselyather。Hasaslightsquintshetriestohide。"

Bythistimewehavereachedthelady，andheintroducesmeasafriendofhiswhoissimplydyingtoknowher。

"Wantstotalkaboutyourbook，"heexplains。"Disagreeswithyouentirelyonthesubjectofplatonicfriendship。Sureyou’llbeabletoconvincehim。"

Itsavesusbothadealoftrouble。Istartatonceonplatonicfriendship，andaskherquestionsabouttwins，avoidingsausagesandcoke。Shethinksmeanunusuallyinterestingman，andIamlessboredthanotherwiseImightbe。

Ihavesometimesthoughtitwouldbeaserviceabledeviceif，inSociety，weallofusworeaneatcard——pinned，say，uponourback——

settingforthsuchinformationaswasnecessary;ournamelegiblywritten，andhowtobepronounced;ourage（notnecessarilyingoodfaith，butforpurposesofconversation。OnceIseriouslyhurtaGermanladybydemandingofherinformationabouttheFranco—Germanwar。Shelookedtomeasifshecouldnotobjecttobeingtakenforforty。Itturnedoutshewasthirty—seven。HadInotbeenanEnglishmanImighthavehadtofightaduel）;ourreligiousandpoliticalbeliefs;togetherwithalistofthesubjectsweweremostathomeupon;andafewfactsconcerningourcareer——sufficienttosavethestrangerfrom，whatisvulgarlytermed"puttinghisfootinit。"Beforemakingjokesabout"Dumping，"ordiscussingthequestionofChineseCheapLabour，onewouldglancebehindandnotewhetherone’scompanionwasticketed"Whole—hogger，"or"Pro—Boer。"Guestsdesirousofagreeablepartners——an"agreeableperson，"accordingtothelateLordBeaconsfield’sdefinition，being"apersonwhoagreeswithyou"——couldmaketheirownselection。

"Excuseme。Wouldyoumindturningroundaminute？Ah，’WagnerianCrank！’Iamafraidweshouldnotgetontogether。IprefertheItalianschool。"

Or，"Howdelightful。Iseeyoudon’tbelieveinvaccination。MayI

takeyouintosupper？"

Those，ontheotherhand，fondofargumentwouldchooseasuitableopponent。Amasterofceremoniesmightbeprovidedwhowouldstandinthecentreoftheroomandcallforpartners："LadywithstrongviewsinfavouroffemalefranchisewishestomeetgentlemanholdingtheopinionsofSt。Paul。Withviewtoargument。"

AnAmericanlady，ayearortwoago，wrotemealetterthatdidmerealgood：sheappreciatedmyworkwithsomuchunderstanding，criticiseditwithsuchsympatheticinterest。Sheaddedthat，wheninEnglandthesummerbefore，shehadbeenonthepointofacceptinganinvitationtomeetme;butatthelastmomentshehadchangedhermind;shefeltsosure——sheputitpleasantly，butthisiswhatitcameto——thatinmyownproperpersonIshouldfallshortofherexpectations。FormyownsakeIfeltsorryshehadcriedoff;itwouldhavebeenworthsomethingtohavemetsosensibleawoman。Anauthorintroducedtopeoplewhohaveread——orwhosaythattheyhaveread——hisbooks，feelsalwayslikeamantakenforthefirsttimetobeshowntohisfuturewife’srelations。Theyareverypleasant。

Theytrytoputhimathisease。Butheknowsinstinctivelytheyaredisappointedwithhim。Iremember，whenaveryyoungman，attendingapartyatwhichafamousAmericanhumoristwasthechiefguest。I

wasstandingclosebehindaladywhowastalkingtoherhusband。

"Hedoesn’tlookabitfunny，"saidthelady。

"GreatScott！"answeredherhusband。"Howdidyouexpecthimtolook？Didyouthinkhewouldhavearednoseandapatchoveroneeye？"

"Oh，well，hemightlookfunnierthanthat，anyhow，"retortedthelady，highlydissatisfied。"Itisn’tworthcomingfor。"

Weallknowthestoryofthehostesswho，leaningacrossthetableduringthedessert，requestedofthefunnymanthathewouldkindlysaysomethingamusingsoon，becausethedearchildrenwerewaitingtogotobed。Children，Isuppose，havenouseforfunnypeoplewhodon’tchoosetobefunny。IonceinvitedafrienddowntomyhouseforaSaturdaytoMonday。Heisanentertainingman，andbeforehecameIdilatedonhispowersofhumour——somewhatfoolishlyperhaps——

inthepresenceofacertainyouthfulpersonwhoresideswithme，andwholistenswhensheoughtn’tto，andneverwhensheought。Hehappenednottobeinahumorousmoodthatevening。Myyoungrelation，afterdinner，climbeduponmyknee。Forquitefiveminutesshesatsilent。Thenshewhispered：

"Hashesaidanythingfunny？"

"Hush。No，notyet;don’tbesilly。"

Fiveminuteslater："Wasthatfunny？"

"No，ofcoursenot。"

"Whynot？"

"Because——can’tyouhear？WearetalkingaboutOldAgePensions。"

"What’sthat？"

"Oh，it’s——oh，nevermindnow。Itisn’tasubjectonwhichonecanbefunny。"

"Thenwhat’shewanttotalkaboutitfor？"

Shewaitedforanotherquarterofanhour。Then，evidentlybored，andmuchtomyrelief，suggestedherselfthatshemightaswellgotobed。Sherantomethenextmorninginthegardenwithanairoftriumph。

"Hesaidsomethingsofunnylastnight，"shetoldme。

"Oh，whatwasit？"Iinquired。ItseemedtomeImusthavemissedit。

"Well，Ican’texactly’memberit，"sheexplained，"notjustatthemoment。Butitwassofunny。Idreamedit，youknow。"

ForfolksnotLions，butcloselyrelatedtoLions，introductionsmustbetryingordeals。Youtellthemthatforyearsyouhavebeenyearningtomeetthem。Youassurethem，inavoicetremblingwithemotion，thatthisisindeedaprivilege。Yougoontoaddthatwhenaboy—

AtthispointtheyhavetointerruptyoutoexplainthattheyarenottheMr。So—and—So，butonlyhiscousinorhisgrandfather;andallyoucanthinkoftosayis："Oh，I’msosorry。"

Ihadanephewwhowasoncetheamateurlong—distancebicyclechampion。Ihavehimstill，butheisstouterandhascomedowntoamotorcar。InsportingcirclesIwasalwaysintroducedas"Shorland’sUncle。"Close—croppedyoungmenwouldgazeatmewithrapture;andtheninquire："Anddoyoudoanythingyourself，Mr。

Jerome？"

Butmycasewasnotsobadasthatofafriendofmine，adoctor。Hemarriedaleadingactress，andwasknowneverafterwardsas"MissB—

’shusband。"

Atpublicdinners，whereonetakesone’sseatfortheeveningnexttosomeonethatonepossiblyhasnevermetbefore，andisneverlikelytomeetagain，conversationisdifficultanddangerous。IremembertalkingtoaladyataVagabondClubdinner。Sheaskedmeduringtheentree——withalightlaugh，asIafterwardsrecalled——whatIthought，candidly，ofthelastbookofacertaincelebratedauthoress。Itoldher，andacoldnesssprangupbetweenus。Shehappenedtobethecertaincelebratedauthoress;shehadchangedherplaceatthelastmomentsoastoavoidsittingnexttoanotherladynovelist，whomshehated。

Onehastoshiftoneself，sometimes，ontheseoccasions。AnewspapermancameuptomelastNinthofNovemberattheMansionHouse。

"Wouldyoumindchangingseatswithme？"heasked。"It’sabitawkward。They’veputmenexttomyfirstwife。"

Ihadatroubledeveningmyselfoncelongago。IaccompaniedayoungwidowladytoamusicalAtHome，givenbyaladywhohadmoreacquaintancesthansheknew。Wemetthebutleratthetopofthestairs。Myfriendspokefirst：

"SayMrs。Dashand——"

Thebutlerdidnotwaitformore——hewasayoungishman——butshoutedout：

"Mr。andMrs。Dash。"

"Mydear！howveryquietyouhavekept！"criedourhostessdelighted。

"Doletmecongratulateyou。"

Thecrushwastoogreatandourhostesstoodistractedatthemomentforanyexplanations。Weweresweptaway，andbothofusspenttheremainderoftheeveningfeeblyprotestingoursingleness。

Ifithadhappenedonthestageitwouldhavetakenusthewholeplaytogetoutofit。Stagepeoplearenotallowedtoputthingsrightwhenmistakesaremadewiththeiridentity。Ifthelightcomedianisexpectingaplumber，thefirstmanthatcomesintothedrawing—roomhasgottobeaplumber。Heisnotallowedtopointoutthatheneverwasaplumber;thathedoesn’tlooklikeaplumber;thatnoonenotanidiotwouldmistakehimforaplumber。Hehasgottobeshutupinthebath—roomandhavewaterpouredoverhim，justasifhewereaplumber——astageplumber，thatis。Nottillrightawayattheendofthelastactishepermittedtoremarkthathehappenstobethenewcurate。

Isatoutaplayonceatwhichmostpeoplelaughed。Itmademesad。

Adearoldladyenteredtowardstheendofthefirstact。Weknewshewastheaunt。Nobodycanpossiblymistakethestageaunt——exceptthepeopleonthestage。They，ofcourse，mistookherforacircusrider，andshutherupinacupboard。Itiswhatcupboardsseemtobereservedforonthestage。Nothingiseverputinthemexceptingthehero’srelations。Whenshewasn’tinthecupboardshewasinaclothesbasket，ortiedupinacurtain。Allsheneedhavedonewastoholdontosomethingwhileremarkingtothehero：

"Ifyou’llstopshoutingandjumpingaboutforjusttenseconds，andgivemeachancetoobservethatIamyourmaidenauntfromDevonshire，allthistomfoolerycanbeavoided。"

Thatwouldhaveendedit。Asamatteroffactthatdidenditfiveminutespasteleven。Ithadn’toccurredtohertosayitbefore。

InreallifeIneverknewbutofonecasewhereamansufferedinsilenceunpleasantnesshecouldhaveendedwithaword;andthatwasthecaseofthelateCorneyGrain。Hehadbeenengagedtogivehisentertainmentatacountryhouse。Theladywasanouvellericheofsnobbishinstincts。SheleftinstructionsthatCorneyGrainwhenhearrivedwastodinewiththeservants。Thebutler，whoknewbetter，apologised;butCorneywasamannoteasilydisconcerted。Hedinedwell，andafterdinnerroseandaddressedtheassembledcompany。

"Well，now，mygoodfriends，"saidCorney，"ifwehaveallfinished，andifyouareallagreeable，Ishallbepleasedtopresenttoyoumylittleshow。"

Theservantscheered。Thepianowasdispensedwith。Corneycontrivedtoamusehisaudienceverywellforhalf—an—hourwithoutit。Atteno’clockcamedownamessage：WouldMr。CorneyGraincomeupintothedrawing—room。Corneywent。Thecompanyinthedrawing—

roomwerewaiting，seated。

"Weareready，Mr。Grain，"remarkedthehostess。

"Readyforwhat？"demandedCorney。

"Foryourentertainment，"answeredthehostess。

"ButIhavegivenitalready，"explainedCorney;"andmyengagementwasforoneperformanceonly。"

"Givenit！Where？When？"

"Anhourago，downstairs。"

"Butthisisnonsense，"exclaimedthehostess。

"Itseemedtomesomewhatunusual，"Corneyreplied;"butithasalwaysbeenmyprivilegetodinewiththecompanyIamaskedtoentertain。Itookityouhadarrangedalittletreatfortheservants。"

AndCorneylefttocatchhistrain。

Anotherentertainertoldmethefollowingstory，althoughajokeagainsthimself。HeandCorneyGrainweresharingacottageontheriver。Amancalledearlyonemorningtodiscussaffairs，andwastalkingtoCorneyintheparlour，whichwasonthegroundfloor。Thewindowwasopen。Theotherentertainer——themanwhotoldmethestory——wasdressingintheroomabove。Thinkingherecognisedthevoiceofthevisitorbelow，heleantoutofhisbedroomwindowtohearbetter。Heleanttoofar，anddivedheadforemostintoabedofflowers，hisbarelegs——andonlyhisbarelegs——showingthroughtheopenwindowoftheparlour。

"Goodgracious！"exclaimedthevisitor，turningatthemomentandseeingapairofwrigglinglegsabovethewindowsill;"who’sthat？"

Corneyfixedhiseyeglassandstrolledtothewindow。

"Oh，it’sonlyWhat’s—his—name，"heexplained。"Wonderfulspirits。

Canbefunnyinthemorning。"

SHOULDWOMENBEBEAUTIFUL？

Prettywomenaregoingtohaveahardtimeofitlateron。Hitherto，theyhavehadthingsfartoomuchtheirownway。Inthefuturetherearegoingtobenoprettygirls，forthesimplereasontherewillbenoplaingirlsagainstwhichtocontrastthem。OflateIhavedonesomesystematicreadingofladies’papers。Theplaingirlsubmitstoacourseof"treatment。"IneighteenmonthssheburstsuponSocietyanacknowledgedbeauty。Anditisalldonebykindness。Onegirlwrites：

"OnlyalittlewhileagoIusedtolookatmyselfintheglassandcry。NowIlookatmyselfandlaugh。"

Theletterisaccompaniedbytwophotographsoftheyounglady。I

shouldhavecriedmyselfhadIseenherasshewasatfirst。Shewasastumpy，flat—headed，squat—nosed，cross—eyedthing。Shedidnotevenlookgood。Onevirtuesheappearstohavehad，however。Itwasfaith。Shebelievedwhatthelabelsaid，shedidwhatthelabeltoldher。Sheisnowatall，ravishingyoungperson，heronlytroublebeing，Ishouldsay，toknowwhattodowithherhair——itreachestoherkneesandmustbeanuisancetoher。Shewoulddobettertogivesomeofitaway。Takingthisyoungladyasatext，itmeansthatthegirlwhodeclinestobeadreamoflovelinessdoessooutofobstinacy。Whattherawmaterialmaybedoesnotappeartomatter。

Providednofeatureisabsolutelymissing，theresultisoneandthesame。

Arrivedatyearsofdiscretion，themaidenproceedstochoosethestyleofbeautysheprefers。WillshebeaJuno，aVenus，oraHelen？WillshehaveaGreciannose，oronetip—tiltedlikethepetalofarose？Lethertrythetip—tiltedstylefirst。Theprofessorhasanideaitisgoingtobefashionable。Ifafterwardsshedoesnotlikeit，therewillbetimetotrytheGrecian。Itisdifficulttodecidethesepointswithoutexperiment。

Wouldtheladylikeahighoralowforehead？Someladiesliketolookintelligent。Itispurelyamatteroftaste。WiththeGreciannose，thelowbroadforeheadperhapsgoesbetter。Itismoreaccordingtoprecedent。Ontheotherhand，thehighbrainyforeheadwouldbemoreoriginal。Itisfortheladyherselftoselect。

Wecometothequestionofeyes。Theladyfanciesadelicateblue，nottoopronouncedacolour——oneofthoseusefulshadesthatgowithalmosteverything。Atthesametimethereshouldbedepthandpassion。Theprofessorunderstandsexactlythesortofeyetheladymeans。Butitwillbeexpensive。Thereisacheapquality;theprofessordoesnotrecommendit。Truethatitpassesmusterbygaslight，butthesunlightshowsitup。Itlackstenderness，andatthepriceyoucanhardlyexpectittocontainmuchhiddenmeaning。

Theprofessoradvisesthemelting，Oh—George—take—me—in—your—arms—

and—still—my—foolish—fearsbrand。Itcostsalittlemore，butitpaysforitselfintheend。

Perhapsitwillbebest，nowtheeyehasbeenfixedupon，todiscussthequestionofthehair。Theprofessoropenshisbookofpatterns。

Maybetheladyisofawilfuldisposition。Shelovestorunlaughingthroughthewoodsduringexceptionallyrainyweather;ortogallopacrossthedownswithoutahat，herfairringletsstreaminginthewind，theoldfamilycoachmanpantingandexpostulatingintherear。

Ifonemaytrustthepopularnovel，extremelysatisfactoryhusbandshaveoftenbeensecuredinthisway。Younaturallylookatagirlwhoiswalkingthroughawood，laughingheartilyapparentlyfornootherreasonthanbecauseitisraining——whoridesatstretchgallopwithoutahat。Ifyouhavenothingelsetodo，youfollowher。Itisalwaysonthecardsthatsuchagirlmaydosomethingreallyamusingbeforeshegetshome。Thusthingsbegin。

Toagirlofthiskind，naturallycurlyhairisessential。Itmustbethesortofhairthatlooksbetterwhenitissoakingwet。Thebottleofstuffthatmakesthisparticularhairtogrowmaybeconsidereddear，ifyouthinkmerelyoftheprice。Butthatisnotthewaytolookatit。"Whatisitgoingtodoforme？"Thatiswhatthegirlhasgottoaskherself。Itdoesnotdotospoiltheshipforaha’porthoftar，asthesayingis。Ifyouaregoingtobeadashing，wilfulbeauty，youmusthavethehairforit，orthewholeschemefallstotheground。

Eyebrowsandeyelashes，theprofessorassumes，theladywouldliketomatchthehair。Toomucheccentricitytheprofessordoesnotagreewith。Nature，afterall，isthebestguide;neatnesscombinedwithtaste，thatistheidealtobeaimedat。Theeyebrowsshouldbealmoststraight，theprofessorthinks;theeyelasheslongandsilky，withjustthesuspicionofacurl。Theprofessorwouldalsosuggestalittlelesscheekbone。Cheekbonesarebeingwornlowthisseason。

Willtheladyhaveadimpledchin，ordoesshefancythesquare—cutjaw？Maybethesquare—cutjawandthefirm，sweetmoutharemoresuitableforthemarriedwoman。Theygowellenoughwiththebabyandthetea—urn，andthestrong，proudmaninthebackground。Fortheunmarriedgirlthedimpledchinandtherosebudmouthare，perhaps，onthewholesafer。Somegentlemenaresonervousofthatfirm，squarejaw。Forthepresent，atallevents，letuskeeptotherosebudandthedimple。

Complexion！Well，thereisonlyonecomplexionworthconsidering——acreamywhite，relievedbydelicatepeachpink。Itgoeswitheverything，andisalwayseffective。Richolives，strikingpallors——

yes，youhearofthesethingsdoingwell。Theprofessor’sexperience，however，isthatforall—roundworkyouwillneverimproveupontheplainwhiteandpink。Itislessliabletogetoutoforder，andistheeasiestatalltimestorenew。

Forthefigure，theprofessorrecommendssomethinglitheandsupple。

Fivefootfourisagoodheight，butthatisapointthatshouldbediscussedfirstwiththedressmaker。Fortrains，fivefootsixis，perhaps，preferable。Butforthesportinggirl，whohastowearshortfrocks，thatheightwould，ofcourse，beimpossible。

Thebustandthewaistarealsopointsonwhichthedressmakershouldbeconsulted。Nothingshouldbedoneinahurry。Whatisthefashiongoingtobeforthenexttwoorthreeseasons？Therearestylesdemandingthatbeginningattheneckyoushouldcurveout，likeapouterpigeon。Thereisapparentlynodifficultywhateverinobtainingthisresult。Butifcrinolines，forinstance，arelikelytocomeinagain！Theladyhasonlytoimagineitforherself：theeffectmightbegrotesque，suggestiveofawalkinghour—glass。So，too，withthewaist。Forsomefashionsitisbettertohaveitjustafootfromtheneck。Atothertimesitismoreusefullowerdown。

Theladywillkindlythinkoverthesedetailsandlettheprofessorknow。Whileoneisaboutit，onemayaswellmakeasoundjob。

Itisallsosimple，and，whenyoucometothinkofit，reallynotexpensive。Age，apparently，makesnodifference。Awomanisasoldasshelooks。Infuture，Itakeit，therewillbenoladiesoverfive—and—twenty。Wrinkles！Whyanyladyshouldstillpersistinwearingthemisamysterytome。Withamoderateamountofcareanymiddle—classwomancouldsaveenoughoutofthehousekeepingmoneyinamonthtogetridofeveryoneofthem。Greyhair！Well，ofcourse，ifyouclingtogreyhair，thereisnomoretobesaid。Buttoladieswhowouldjustassoonhaverichwavy—brownoradelicateshadeofgold，Iwouldpointoutthatthereareonehundredandforty—seveninexpensivelotionsonthemarket，anyoneofwhich，rubbedgentlyintotheheadwithatooth—brush（nottoohard）justbeforegoingtobedwill，touseacolloquialism，dothetrick。

Areyoutoostout，orareyoutoothin？Allyouhavetodoistosaywhich，andenclosestamps。Butdonotmakeamistakeandsendforthewrongrecipe。Ifyouarealreadytoothin，youmightinconsequencesuddenlydisappearbeforeyoufoundoutyourmistake。

OneverystoutladyIknewworkedatherselfforeighteenmonthsandgotstoutereveryday。Thisdiscouragedhersomuchthatshegaveuptrying。Nodoubtshehadmadeamuddleandhadsentforthewrongbottle，butshewouldnotlistentofurtheradvice。Shesaidshewastiredofthewholething。

Infutureyearstherewillbenoneedforayoungmantolookabouthimforawife;hewilltakethenearestgirl，tellherhisideal，and，ifshereallycareforhim，shewillgototheshopandhaveherselffixeduptohispattern。IncertainEasterncountries，I

believe，somethingofthiskindisdone。Agentlemandesirousofaddingtohisfamilysendsroundtheneighbourhoodtheweightandsizeofhisfavouritewife，hintingthatifanothercanbefoundofthesameproportions，thereisroomforher。Fatherswalkroundamongtheirdaughters，choosethemostlikelyspecimen，andhaveherfattenedup。ThatistheirbrutalEasternway。OutWestweshallbemoredelicate。Match—makingmotherswillprobablyrevivetheoldconfessionbook。Eligiblebachelorswillbeinvitedtofillinapage："Yourfavouriteheightinwomen，""Yourfavouritemeasurementroundthewaist，""Doyoulikebrunettesorblondes？"

Thechoicewillbelefttothegirls。

"IdothinkHenryWilliamjusttoosweetforwords，"themaidenofthefuturewillmurmurtoherself。Gently，coyly，shewilldrawfromhimhisidealofwhatawomanshouldbe。Infromsixmonthstoayearshewillburstuponhim，theperfectShe;height，size，weight，righttoaT。Hewillclaspherinhisarms。

"Atlast，"hewillcry，"Ihavefoundher，thewomanofmydreams。"

Andifhedoesnotchangehismind，andthebottlesdonotbegintolosetheireffect，therewillbeeverychancethattheywillbehappyeverafterwards。

MightnotSciencegoevenfurther？Whyrestsatisfiedwithmakingaworldofmerelybeautifulwomen？CannotScience，whilesheisaboutit，makethemallgoodatthesametime。Idonotapologiseforthesuggestion。Iusedtothinkallwomenbeautifulandgood。Itistheirownpapersthathavedisillusionedme。Iusedtolookatthisladyoratthat——shyly，whennobodyseemedtobenoticingme——andthinkhowfairshewas，howstately。NowIonlywonderwhoisherchemist。

Theyusedtotellme，whenIwasalittleboy，thatgirlsweremadeofsugarandspice。Iknowbetternow。IhavereadtherecipesintheAnswerstoCorrespondents。

WhenIwasquiteayoungmanIusedtositindarkcornersandlisten，withswellingheart，whilepeopleatthepianotoldmewherelittlegirlbabiesgottheirwonderfuleyesfrom，ofthethingstheydidtotheminheaventhatgavethemdimples。Ahme！IwishnowI

hadnevercomeacrossthoseladies’papers。Iknowthestuffthatcausesthosebewitchingeyes。Iknowtheshopwheretheymakethosedimples;Ihavepasseditandlookedin。Ithoughttheywereproducedbyangels’kisses，buttherewasnotanangelabouttheplace，thatIcouldsee。PerhapsIhavealsobeendeceivedasregardstheirgoodness。Maybeallwomenarenotsoperfectasinthepopularshortstorytheyappeartobe。ThatiswhyIsuggestthatScienceshouldproceedstillfurther，andmakethemallasbeautifulinmindassheisnowabletomaketheminbody。Maywenotlivetoseeintheadvertisementcolumnsoftheladies’paperofthefuturetheportraitofayounggirlsulkinginacorner——"Beforetakingthelotion！"Thesamegirldancingamongherlittlebrothersandsisters，sheddingsunlightthroughthehome——"Afterthethreefirstbottles！"MaywenothavetheCaudleMixture：Onetablespoonfulatbed—timeguaranteedtomaketheladymurmur，"Good—night，dear;hopeyou’llsleepwell，"andatoncetofallasleep，herlipspartedinasmile？MaybesomespecialistofthefuturewilladvertiseMindMassage："Warrantedtoremovefromthemostobstinatesubjectalltracesofhatred，envy，andmalice。"

And，whenSciencehasdoneeverythingpossibleforwomen，theremightbenoharminherturningherattentiontousmen。Herideaatpresentseemstobethatwemenaretoobeautiful，physicallyandmorally，toneedimprovement。Personally，thereareoneortwopointsaboutwhichIshouldliketoconsulther。

WHENISTHEBESTTIMETOBEMERRY？

ThereissomuchIcoulddotoimprovethingsgenerallyinandaboutEurope，ifonlyIhadafreehand。Ishouldnotproposeanygreatfundamentalchanges。Thesepoorpeoplehavegotusedtotheirownways;itwouldbeunwisetoreformthemallatonce。ButtherearemanylittleoddsandendsthatIcoulddoforthem，somanyoftheirmistakesIcouldcorrectforthem。Theydonotknowthis。Iftheyonlyknewtherewasamanlivingintheirmidstwillingtotaketheminhandandarrangethingsforthem，howgladtheywouldbe。Butthestoryisalwaysthesame。Onereadsitintheadvertisementsofthematrimonialcolumn：

"Alady，young，saidtobegood—looking"——sheherselfisnotsureonthepoint;shefeelsthatpossiblyshemaybeprejudiced;sheputsbeforeyoumerelythecurrentgossipoftheneighbourhood;peoplesaysheisbeautiful;theymayberight，theymaybewrong：itisnotforhertodecide——"well—educated，ofaffectionatedisposition，possessedofmeans，desirestomeetgentlemanwithaviewtomatrimony。"

Immediatelyunderneathonereadsofagentlemanoftwenty—eight，"tall，fair，consideredagreeable。"Reallythemodestyofthematrimonialadvertiserteachestousordinarymortalsquiteabeautifullesson。Iknowinstinctivelythatwereanybodytoaskmesuddenly：

"Doyoucallyourselfanagreeableman？"Ishouldanswerpromptly：

"Anagreeableman！OfcourseI’managreeableman。Whatsillyquestionsyoudoask！"Ifhepersistedinarguingthematter，saying：

"Buttherearepeoplewhodonotconsideryouanagreeableman。"I

shouldgetangrywithhim。

"Oh，theythinkthat，dothey？"Ishouldsay。"Well，youtellthemfromme，withmycompliments，thattheyareasetofblitheringidiots。Notagreeable！YoushowmethemanwhosaysI’mnotagreeable。I’llsoonlethimknowwhetherI’magreeableornot。"

Theseyoungmenseekingawifearesilentonthesubjectoftheirownvirtues。Suchareforotherstodiscover。Thematrimonialadvertiserconfineshimselftoasimplestatementoffact：heisconsideredagreeable。"

Heisdomesticallyinclined，andinreceiptofagoodincome。Heisdesirousofmeetingaladyofseriousdisposition，withviewtomatrimony。Ifpossessedofmeans——well，itisatriflehardlyworthconsideringonewayortheother。Hedoesnotinsistuponit;ontheotherhandhedoesnotexcludeladiesofmeans;themainideaismatrimony。

Itissadtoreflectuponayounglady，saidtobegood—looking（letussaygood—lookingandbedonewithit：aneighbourhooddoesnotriseupanddeclareagirlgood—lookingifsheisnotgood—looking，thatisonlyhermodestwayofputtingit），letussayayounglady，good—looking，well—educated，ofaffectionatedisposition——itisundeniablysadtoreflectthatsuchanone，matrimoniallyinclined，shouldbecompelledtohaverecoursetothecolumnsofamatrimonialjournal。Whataretheyoungmenintheneighbourhoodthinkingof？

Whatmoredotheywant？IsitVenuscometolifeagainwithtenthousandayearthattheyarewaitingfor！Itmakesmeangrywithmyownsexreadingtheseadvertisements。Andwhenonethinksofthegirlsthatdogetmarried！

Butlifeisamystery。Thefactremains：hereistheidealwifeseekinginvainforahusband。Andhere，immediatelyunderneath——I

willnotsaytheidealhusband，hemayhavefaults;noneofusareperfect，butasmengoadecidedacquisitiontoanydomestichearth，anagreeablegentleman，fondofhomelife，noneofyourgad—abouts——

callsaloudtothefourwindsforawife——anysortofawife，providedshebeofaseriousdisposition。Inhisdespair，hehasgrownindifferenttoallotherconsiderations。"Isthereinthisworld，"hehassaidtohimself，"oneunmarriedwoman，willingtomarryme，anagreeableman，inreceiptofagoodincome。"Possiblyenoughthistwainhavepassedoneanotherinthestreet，havesatsidebysideinthesametram—car，neverguessing，eachone，thattheotherwastheveryarticleofwhichtheywereinwanttomakelifebeautiful。

Mistressesinsearchofaservant，notsomuchwiththeideaofgettingworkoutofher，ratherwiththeobjectofmakingherhappy，advertiseononepage。Ontheoppositepage，domestictreasures——

disciplesofCarlyle，apparently，withapassionateloveofworkforitsownsake——areseekingsituations，notsomuchwiththedesireofgainaswiththehopeoffindingopeningswheretheymayenjoytheluxuryoffeelingtheyareleadingusefullives。Thesephilanthropicmistresses，thesetoil—lovinghand—maidens，havelivedsidebysideinthesametownforyears，neverknowingoneanother。

SoitiswiththesepoorEuropeanpeoples。Theypassmeinthestreet。TheydonotguessthatIamreadyandwillingtotakethemundermycare，toteachthemcommonsensewithasmatteringofintelligence——tobe，asonemightsay，afathertothem。Theylookatme。ThereisnothingaboutmetotellthemthatIknowwhatisgoodforthembetterthantheydothemselves。Inthefairytalesthewisemanworeaconicalhatandalongrobewithtwiddlythingsallroundtheedge。Youknewhewasacleverman。Itavoidedthenecessityofexplanation。Unfortunately，thefashionhasgoneout。

Wewisemenhavetowearjustordinaryclothes。Nobodyknowswearewisemen。Evenwhenwetellthemso，theydon’tbelieveit。Thisitisthatmakesourtaskthemoredifficult。

OneofthefirstthingsIshouldtakeinhand，wereEuropeanaffairshandedovertomycontrol，wouldbetherearrangementoftheCarnival。Asmattersare，theCarnivaltakesplacealloverEuropeinFebruary。AtNice，inSpain，orinItaly，itmaybeoccasionallypossibletofeelyouwanttodanceaboutthestreetsinthincostumeduringFebruary。ButinmorenortherncountriesduringCarnivaltimeIhaveseenonlyonesensiblemasker;hewasamanwhohadgothimselfupasadiver。ItwasinAntwerp。Therainwaspouringdownintorrents;acheery，boisterousJohnBullsortofaneastwindwasblusteringthroughthestreetsattherateoffifteenmilesanhour。

Pierrots，withfrozenhands，wereblowingbluenoses。AnelderlyCupidhadborrowedanumbrellafromacafeandwaswaitingforatram。Averylittledevilwascryingwiththecold，andwipinghiseyeswiththeendofhisowntail。Everydoorwaywascrowdedwithshiveringmaskers。Thediveralonewalkederect，thewaterstreamingfromhim。

Februaryisnotthemonthforopenairmasquerading。The"confetti，"

whichhascometobenothingbutcolouredpapercutintosmalldiscs，isasoddenmass。Whenalumpofitstrikesyouintheeye，yourinstinctisnottolaughgaily，buttofindoutthemanwhothrewitandtohithimback。ThisisnotthetruespiritofCarnival。Themarvelisthat，inspiteofthealmostinvariablyadverseweather，theseCarnivalsstillcontinue。InBelgium，whereRomanismstillremainsthedominantreligion，CarnivalmaintainsitselfstrongerthanelsewhereinNorthernEurope。

Atonesmalltown，Binche，neartheFrenchborder，itholdsuninterruptedswayforthreedaysandtwonights，duringwhichtimethewholeofthepopulation，swelledbyvisitorsfromtwentymilesround，shouts，romps，eatsanddrinksanddances。Afterwhichthevisitorsarepackedlikesardinesintorailwaytrains。Theypintheirticketstotheircoatsandpromptlygotosleep。Ateverystationtherailwayofficialsstumbleupanddownthetrainswithlanterns。Thelastfeebleeffortofthemorewakefulreveller，beforeheaddshimselftotheheapofsnoringhumanityontheflooroftherailwaycarriage，istochangetheticketsofacoupleofhisunconsciouscompanions。Inthiswaygentlemenfortheeastaredraggedoutbythelegsatjunctions，andpackedintotrainsgoingwest;whilesouthernfathersareshotoutinthechilldawnatlonelynorthernstations，tofindthemselvesgreetedwithenthusiasmbyotherpeople’sfamilies。

AtBinche，theysay——Ihavenotcountedthemmyself——thatthirtythousandmaskerscanbeseendancingatthesametime。Whentheyarenotdancingtheyarethrowingorangesatoneanother。Thehousesboarduptheirwindows。Therestaurantstakedowntheirmirrorsandhideawaytheglasses。IfIwentmasqueradingatBincheIshouldgoasamaninarmour，periodHenrytheSeventh。

"Doesn’tithurt，"Iaskedaladywhohadbeenthere，"havingorangesthrownatyou？Whichsortdotheyuse，speakinggenerally，thosefinejuicyones——JavasIthinkyoucallthem——orthelittlehardbrandwithskinslikeanutmeg—grater？Andifbothsortsareusedindiscriminately，whichdoyoupersonallyprefer？"

"Thesmartpeople，"sheanswered，"theyarethesameeverywhere——theymustbeextravagant——theyusetheJavaorange。IfithitsyouinthebackIprefertheJavaorange。Itismoremessythantheother，butitdoesnotleaveyouwiththatcurioussensationofhavingbeentemporarilystunned。Mostpeople，ofcourse，makeuseofthesmallhardorange。Ifyouduckintime，andsocatchitonthetopofyourhead，itdoesnothurtsomuchasyouwouldthink。If，however，ithitsyouonatenderplace——well，myself，Ialwaysfindthatalittlesalvolatile，witholdcognac——halfandhalf，youunderstand——isaboutthebestthing。Butitonlyhappensonceayear，"sheadded。

Nearlyeverytowngivesprizesforthebestgroupofmaskers。Insomecasesthefirstprizeamountstoasmuchastwohundredpounds。

Thebutchers，thebakers，thecandlestickmakers，jointogetherandcompete。Theyarriveinwagons，eachgroupwithitsband。Freetradeisencouraged。Eachneighbouringtownandvillage"dumps"itsloadofpicturesquemerry—makers。

ItisinthesesmallertownsthatthespiritofKingCarnivalfindshappiestexpression。Almosteverythirdinhabitanttakespartinthefun。InBrusselsandthelargertownsthethingappearsridiculous。

Afewhundredmaskersforcetheirwaywithdifficultythroughthousandsofdull—cladspectators，lookinglikeaSpanishriverinthesummertime，afeeblestream，dribblingthroughacresofmuddybank。AtCharleroi，thecentreoftheBelgianBlackCountry，thechieffeatureoftheCarnivalisthedancingofthechildren。A

spaceisspeciallyropedoffforthem。

Ifbychancethesuniskindenoughtoshine，thesightisaprettyone。Howtheylovethedressingupandtheacting，thesesmallmites！Oneyounghussy——shecouldhardlyhavebeenmorethanten——

wasgottenupasahaughtyyounglady。Maybesomeeldersisterhadservedasamodel。Sheworeatremendouswigofflaxenhair，ahatthatIguaranteewouldhavemadeitsmarkevenatAscotontheCupDay，askirtthattrailedtwoyardsbehindher，apairofwhathadoncebeenwhitekidgloves，andabluesilkparasol。Dignity！I

haveseentheoffendedbarmaid，Ihavemetthechorusgirl——notbyappointment，pleasedon’tmisunderstandme，merelyasaspectator——uptheriveronSunday。ButneverhaveIwitnessedinanyhumanbeingsomuchhauteurtothepoundavoir—dupoisaswascarriedthroughthestreetsofCharleroibythatsmallbrat。Companionsofotherdays，merevulgarboysandgirls，claimedacquaintancewithher。Shepassedthemwithastareofsuchutterdisdainthatitsentthemtumblingoveroneanotherbackwards。Bythetimetheyhadrecoveredthemselvessufficientlytothinkofanoldtinkettlelyinghandyintheguttershehadturnedthecorner。

Twomiserablycladurchins，unabletoscrapetogetherthefewsousnecessaryforthehireofaragortwo，hadneverthelessdeterminednottobealtogetheroutofit。Theyhadmanagedtoborrowacoupleofwhiteblouses——notwhatyouwouldunderstandbyawhiteblouse，dearMadame，adaintythingoffrillsandlaces，butthecoarsewhitesackthestreetsweeperwearsoverhisclothes。Theyhadalsoborrowedacoupleofbrooms。Ridiculouslittleobjectstheylooked，thetinyheadofeachshowingabovethegreatwhiteshroudasgravelytheywalked，theonebehindtheother，sweepingthemudintothegutter。TheyalsowereoftheCarnival，playingatbeingscavengers。

AnotherquaintsightIwitnessed。The"serpentin"isafeatureoftheBelgianCarnival。Itisastripofcolouredpaper，somedozenyardslong，perhaps。Youflingitasyouwouldalassoo，entanglingtheheadofsomepasser—by。Naturally，theobjectmostaimedatbytheBelgianyouthistheBelgianmaiden。And，naturallyalso，themaidenwhofindsherselfmostentangledisthemaidenwho——touseagainthelanguageofthematrimonialadvertiser——"isconsideredgood—looking。"Theserpentinaboutherheadisthe"featherinhercap"oftheBelgianmaidenonCarnivalDay。ComingsuddenlyroundthecornerIalmostranintoagirl。Herbackwastowardsme。Itwasaquietstreet。Shehadhalfadozenoftheseserpentins。

Hurriedly，withtremblinghands，shewastwistingthemroundandroundherownhead。IlookedatherasIpassed。Sheflushedscarlet。Poorlittlesnub—nosedpasty—facedwoman！Iwishshehadnotseenme。Icouldhaveboughtsixpenny—worth，followedher，andtormentedherwiththem;whileshewouldhavepretendedindignation——

sought，discreetly，toescapefromme。

DownSouth，wherethebloodflowsquicker，KingCarnivalis，indeed，ajollyoldsoul。InMunichhereignsforsixweeks，theendcomingwithamadtwodaysrevelinthestreets。Duringthewholeoftheperiod，folksinordinary，every—daycostumeareregardedascuriosities;peoplewonderwhattheyareupto。FromtheGrafintotheDienstmadchen，fromtheHerrProfessortothe"Piccolo，"astheytermthesmallartistthatanswerstoourpageboy，thebusinessofMunichisdancing，somewhere，somehow，inafancycostume。Everytheatreclearsawaythestage，everycafecrowdsitschairsandtablesintocorners，theverystreetsareclearedfordancing。

Munichgoesmad。

Munichisalwaysalittlemad。ThemaddestballIeverdancedatwasinMunich。IwenttherewithaHarvardUniversityprofessor。Hehadbeentoldwhattheseballswerelike。Everseekingknowledgeofallthings，hedeterminedtotakethematterupforhimselfandexamineit。Thewriteralsomusteverbelearning。Iagreedtoaccompanyhim。Wehadnotintendedtodance。Ourideawasthatwecouldbeindulgentspectators，regardingfromsomecoignofvantagetheanticsofthefoolishcrowd。Theprofessorwascladasbecameaprofessor。

Myself，Iworeasimply—cutfrock—coat，withtrouseringinFrenchgrey。Thedoorkeeperexplainedtousthatthiswasacostumeball;

hewassorry，butgentlemencouldonlybeadmittedineveningdressorinmasquerade。

Itwashalfpastoneinthemorning。Wehadsatuplateonpurpose;

wehadgonewithoutourdinner;wehadwalkedtwomiles。Theprofessorsuggestedpinningupthetailsofhisclerically—cutcoatandturninginhiswaistcoat。Thedoorkeeperfeareditwouldnotbequitethesamething。Besides，myFrenchgreytrousersrefusedtoadaptthemselves。Thedoorkeeperproposedourhiringacostume——alittlespeculationofhisown;gentlemenfounditsimplersometimes，especiallymarriedgentlemen，tohireacostumeinthismanner，changingbackintosobergarmentsbeforereturninghome。Itreducedthevolumeofnecessaryexplanation。

"Haveyouanything，mygoodman，"saidtheprofessor，"anythingthatwouldeffectacompletedisguise？"

Thedoorkeeperhadtheverything——aChinesearrangement，withcombinedmaskandwig。Itfittedneatlyoverthehead，andwasprovidedwithasimplebutingeniouspieceofmechanismbymeansofwhichmuchcouldbedonewiththepigtail。MyselfthedoorkeeperhidfromviewunderthecowlofaCarmelitemonk。

"Idohopenobodyrecognisesus，"whisperedmyfriendtheprofessorasweentered。

Icanonlyhopesincerelythattheydidnot。Idonotwishtotalkaboutmyself。Thatwouldbeegotism。Butthemysteryoftheprofessortroublesmetothisday。Agrave，earnestgentleman，thefatherofafamily，Isawhimwithmyowneyesputthatridiculouspasteboardmaskoverhishead。Lateron——agooddeallateron——I

foundmyselfwalkingagainwithhimthroughsilentstar—litstreets。

Wherehehadbeenintheinterval，andwhothenwasthestrangecreatureundertheChinaman’smask，willalwaysremaintomeanunsolvedproblem。

DOWELIEA—BEDTOOLATE？

ItwasinParis，manyyearsago，thatIfellbychanceintothishabitofearlyrising。Mynight——byreasonsthatIneednotenterinto——hadbeenatroubledone。Tiredofthehotbedthatgavenosleep，Iroseanddressedmyself，creptdownthecreakingstairs，experiencingthesensationsofaburglarnewtohisprofession，unboltedthegreatdoorofthehotel，andpassedoutintoanunknown，silentcity，bathedinamysterioussoftlight。Sincethen，thisstrangesweetcityofthedawnhasneverceasedtocalltome。ItmaybeinLondon，inParisagain，inBrussels，Berlin，Vienna，thatI

havegonetosleep，butifperchanceIwakebeforethereturningtideofhumanlifehasdimmeditsglorieswiththemistsandvapoursofthenoisyday，Iknowthatbeyondmywindowblindthefairycity，asIsawitfirstsomanyyearsago——thiscitythatknowsnotears，nosorrow，throughwhichtherecreepsnoevilthing;thiscityofquietvistas，fadingintohope;thiscityoffar—offvoiceswhisperingpeace;thiscityofthedawnthatstillisyoung——invitesmetotalkwithitawhilebeforethewakinghoursdriveitbeforethem，andwithasighitpasseswhenceitcame。

Itisthegreatcity’sonehourofpurity，ofdignity。Theveryrag—

picker，gropingwithherfilthyhandsamongtheashes，insteadofanobjectofcontempt，movesfromdoortodooranaccusingFigure，herthinsoiledgarments，herbentbody，herscarredface，hideouswiththewoundsofpoverty，aneloquentindictmentofsmugInjustice，sleepingbehinditsdeafshutters。Yetevenintoherdimbrainhassunkthepeacethatfillsforthisbriefhourthecity。This，too，shallhaveitsend，mysister！Menandwomenwerenotborntoliveonthehusksthatfillthepailsoutsidetherichman’sdoor。

Couragealittlewhilelonger，youandyours。Yourrheumyeyesoncewerebright，yourthinlocksoncesoftandwavy，yourpoorbentbackoncestraight;andmaybe，astheytellyouintheirgildedchurches，thisbulgingsackshallbeliftedfromyourwearyshoulders，yourmisshapenlimbsbestraightagain。Youpassnotaltogetherunheededthroughtheseemptystreets。Notalltheeyesoftheuniversearesleeping。

Thelittleseamstress，hurryingtoherearlywork！Alittlelatershewillbeoneofthefoolishcrowd，joininginthefoolishlaughter，inthecoarsejestsofthework—room：butasyetthehotdayhasnotclaimedher。Thework—roomisfarbeyond，thehomeofmeancaresandsordidstrugglesfarbehind。Toher，also，inthismomentarethesweetthoughtsofwomanhood。Sheputsdownherbag，restsherselfuponaseat。Ifallthedayweredawn，thiscityofthemorningalwayswithus！Aneighbouringclockchimesforththehour。Shestartsupfromherdreamandhurrieson——tothenoisywork—room。

Apairofloverscrossthepark，holdingeachother’shands。Theywillreturnlaterintheday，buttherewillbeanotherexpressionintheireyes，anothermeaninginthepressureoftheirhands。Nowthepurityofthemorningiswiththem。

Somefat，middle—agedclerkcomespuffingintoview：hisridiculouslittlefigureverypodgy。Hestopstotakeoffhishatandmophisbaldheadwithhishandkerchief：eventohimthemorninglendsromance。Hisfleshyfacechangesalmostasonelooksathim。Oneseesagaintheladwithhisvaguehopes，hisabsurdambitions。

ThereisastatueofAphroditeinoneofthesmallerParisparks。

Twiceinthesameweek，withoutparticularlymeaningit，Ifoundmyselfearlyinthemorningstandinginfrontofthisstatuegazinglistlesslyatit，asonedoeswhenindreamymood;andonbothoccasions，turningtogo，Iencounteredthesameman，alsogazingatitwith，apparently，listlesseyes。Hewasanuninterestinglookingman——possiblyhethoughtthesameofme。Fromhisdresshemighthavebeenawell—to—dotradesman，aminorGovernmentofficial，doctor，orlawyer。QuitetenyearslaterIpaidmythirdvisittothesamestatueataboutthesamehour。Thistimehewastherebeforeme。Iwashiddenfromhimbysomebushes。Heglancedroundbutdidnotseeme;andthenhedidacuriousthing。Placinghishandsonthetopofthepedestal，whichmayhavebeensomesevenfeetinheight，hedrewhimselfup，andkissedverygently，almostreverentially，thefootofthestatue，begrimedthoughitwaswiththecity’sdirt。Hadhebeensomelong—hairedstudentoftheLatinQuarteronewouldnothavebeensoastonished。Buthewassuchaverycommonplace，quiterespectablelookingman。Afterwardshedrewapipefromhispocket，carefullyfilledandlightedit，tookhisumbrellafromtheseatwhereithadbeenlying，andwalkedaway。

Haditbeentheirmeeting—placelongago？Hadhebeenwonttotellher，gazingatherwithlover’seyes，howlikeshewastothestatue？

TheFrenchsculptorhasnottoconsiderMrs。Grundy。Maybe，thelady，raisinghereyes，hadbeenconfused;perhapsforamomentangry——somelittlemillinerorgoverness，onesupposes。InFrancethejeunefilleofgoodfamilydoesnotmeetherloverunattended。

Whathadhappened？Orwasitbutthevagrantfancyofamiddle—agedbourgeoisseekinginimaginationtheromancethatrealitysorarelygivesus，weavinghislovedreamroundhischangelessstatue？

InoneofIbsen’sbittercomediestheloversagreetopartwhiletheyarestillyoung，nevertoseeeachotherinthefleshagain。Intothefutureeachwillbearawaytheimageoftheother，godlike，radiantwiththegloryofyouthandlove;eachwillcherishthememoryofalovedonewhoshallbebeautifulalways。Thattheirpartingmaynotappearsuchwildnonsenseasatfirstitstrikesus，Ibsenshowsusotherloverswhohavemarriedintheorthodoxfashion。

Shewasallthatamistressshouldbe。Theyspeakofherastheyfirstknewherfifteenyearsago，wheneverymanwasatherfeet。Hethenwasayoungstudent，burningwithfineideals，withenthusiasmforallthehumanities。

Theyenter。

Whatdidyouexpect？Fifteenyearshavepassed——fifteenyearsofstrugglewiththegrimrealities。Heisfatandbald。Elevenchildrenhavetobeprovidedfor。Highidealswillnotevenpaythebootmaker。Toexistyouhavetofightformeanendswithmeanweapons。Andthesweetgirlheroine！Nowtheworriedmotherofelevenbrats！OneringsdownthecurtainamidSataniclaughter。

Thatiswhy，foronereasonamongsomany，Ilovethismysticmorninglight。Ithasastrangepowerofrevealingthebeautythatishiddenfromusbythecoarserbeamsofthefullday。Thesewornmenandwomen，grownsofoolishlooking，sounromantic;theseartisansandpettyclerksploddingtotheirmonotonousday’swork;thesedull—eyedwomenofthepeopleontheirwaytomarkettohaggleoversous，toargueandcontendoverpaltryhandfulsoffood。Inthismagicmorninglightthedisguisingbodybecomestransparent。Theyhavegrownbeautiful，notugly，withtheyearsoftoilandhardship;theselives，livedsopatiently，areconsecratedtotheserviceoftheworld。Joy，hope，pleasure——theyhavedonewithallsuch，lifeforthemisover。Yettheylabour，ceaselessly，uncomplainingly。Itisforthechildren。

Onemorning，nearBrussels，Iencounteredacartoffaggots，drawnbyahoundsoleanthatstrokinghimmighthavehurtadaintyhand。I

wasshocked——angry，tillInoticedhisfellowbeastofburdenpushingthecartfrombehind。Suchascarecrowofanoldwoman！Therewaslittletochoosebetweenthem。Iwalkedwiththemalittleway。ShelivednearWaterloo。Alldayshegatheredwoodinthegreatforest，andstartingatthreeo’clockeachmorning，thetwoleancreaturesbetweenthemdraggedthecartninemilestoBrussels，returningwhentheyhadsoldtheirload。Withluckshemightreckononacoupleoffrancs。Iaskedherifshecouldnotfindsomethingelsetodo。

Yes，itwaspossible，butforthelittleone，hergrandchild。Folkswillnotemployoldwomenburdenedwithgrandchildren。

Youfair，daintyladies，whowouldneverknowitwasmorningifsomebodydidnotentertopulluptheblindandtellyouso！Youdowellnottoventureoutinthismagicmorninglight。Youwouldlooksoplain——almostugly，bythesideofthesebeautifulwomen。

ItiscurioustheattractiontheChurchhasalwayspossessedforthemarketingclasses。ChristdrovethemfromtheTemple，butstill，ineverycontinentalcity，theyclusterrounditsouterwalls。Itmakesacharmingpictureonasunnymorning，thegreatcathedralwithitsmassiveshadowformingthebackground;splashedaboutitsfeet，likeaparterreofgayflowersaroundthetrunkofsomeoldtree，thewomen，younggirlsintheirmanycolouredcostumes，sittingbeforetheirpiled—upbasketsofgreenvegetables，ofshiningfruits。

InBrusselsthechiefmarketisheldontheGrandePlace。Thegreatgildedhouseshavelookeddownuponmuchthesamesceneeverymorningthesefourhundredyears。Insummertimeitcommencesabouthalf—

pastfour;byfiveo’clockitisaroaringhive，thegreatcityroundaboutstillsleeping。

【推荐阅读】幽幽深宫，醒来一梦似千年，重生于下堂妃身躯中的她，将如何手刃仇人? 点击阅读