THREEMENINABOAT
（TOSAYNOTHINGOFTHEDOG）。
ThreeMeninaBoatbyJeromeK。JeromeCHAPTERI。
THREEINVALIDS-SUFFERINGSOFGEORGEANDHARRIS-AVICTIMTOONE
HUNDREDANDSEVENFATALMALADIES-USEFULPRESCRIPTIONS-CUREFOR
LIVERCOMPLAINTINCHILDREN-WEAGREETHATWEAREOVERWORKED，ANDNEED
REST-AWEEKONTHEROLLINGDEEP？-GEORGESUGGESTSTHERIVER-
MONTMORENCYLODGESANOBJECTION-ORIGINALMOTIONCARRIEDBYMAJORITYOF
THREETOONE。
THEREwerefourofus-George，andWilliamSamuelHarris，andmyself，andMontmorency。Weweresittinginmyroom，smoking，andtalkingabouthowbadwewere-badfromamedicalpointofviewImean，ofcourse。
Wewereallfeelingseedy，andweweregettingquitenervousaboutit。
Harrissaidhefeltsuchextraordinaryfitsofgiddinesscomeoverhimattimes，thathehardlyknewwhathewasdoing；andthenGeorgesaidthatHEhadfitsofgiddinesstoo，andhardlyknewwhatHEwasdoing。Withme，itwasmyliverthatwasoutoforder。Iknewitwasmyliverthatwasoutoforder，becauseIhadjustbeenreadingapatentliver-pillcircular，inwhichweredetailedthevarioussymptomsbywhichamancouldtellwhenhisliverwasoutoforder。Ihadthemall。
Itisamostextraordinarything，butIneverreadapatentmedicineadvertisementwithoutbeingimpelledtotheconclusionthatIamsufferingfromtheparticulardiseasethereindealtwithinitsmostvirulentform。ThediagnosisseemsineverycasetocorrespondexactlywithallthesensationsthatIhaveeverfelt。
IremembergoingtotheBritishMuseumonedaytoreadupthetreatmentforsomeslightailmentofwhichIhadatouch-hayfever，Ifancyitwas。Igotdownthebook，andreadallIcametoread；andthen，inanunthinkingmoment，Iidlyturnedtheleaves，andbegantoindolentlystudydiseases，generally。IforgetwhichwasthefirstdistemperI
plungedinto-somefearful，devastatingscourge，Iknow-and，beforeI
hadglancedhalfdownthelistof"premonitorysymptoms，"itwasborneinuponmethatIhadfairlygotit。
Isatforawhile，frozenwithhorror；andthen，inthelistlessnessofdespair，Iagainturnedoverthepages。Icametotyphoidfever-readthesymptoms-discoveredthatIhadtyphoidfever，musthavehaditformonthswithoutknowingit-wonderedwhatelseIhadgot；turnedupSt。
Vitus'sDance-found，asIexpected，thatIhadthattoo，-begantogetinterestedinmycase，anddeterminedtosiftittothebottom，andsostartedalphabetically-readupague，andlearntthatIwassickeningforit，andthattheacutestagewouldcommenceinaboutanotherfortnight。Bright'sdisease，Iwasrelievedtofind，Ihadonlyinamodifiedform，and，sofarasthatwasconcerned，Imightliveforyears。
CholeraIhad，withseverecomplications；anddiphtheriaIseemedtohavebeenbornwith。Iploddedconscientiouslythroughthetwenty-sixletters，andtheonlymaladyIcouldconcludeIhadnotgotwashousemaid'sknee。
Ifeltratherhurtaboutthisatfirst；itseemedsomehowtobeasortofslight。Whyhadn'tIgothousemaid'sknee？Whythisinvidiousreservation？Afterawhile，however，lessgraspingfeelingsprevailed。I
reflectedthatIhadeveryotherknownmaladyinthepharmacology，andI
grewlessselfish，anddeterminedtodowithouthousemaid'sknee。Gout，initsmostmalignantstage，itwouldappear，hadseizedmewithoutmybeingawareofit；andzymosisIhadevidentlybeensufferingwithfromboyhood。Therewerenomorediseasesafterzymosis，soIconcludedtherewasnothingelsethematterwithme。
Isatandpondered。IthoughtwhataninterestingcaseImustbefromamedicalpointofview，whatanacquisitionIshouldbetoaclass！
Studentswouldhavenoneedto"walkthehospitals，"iftheyhadme。I
wasahospitalinmyself。Alltheyneeddowouldbetowalkroundme，and，afterthat，taketheirdiploma。
ThenIwonderedhowlongIhadtolive。Itriedtoexaminemyself。I
feltmypulse。Icouldnotatfirstfeelanypulseatall。Then，allofasudden，itseemedtostartoff。Ipulledoutmywatchandtimedit。I
madeitahundredandforty-seventotheminute。Itriedtofeelmyheart。Icouldnotfeelmyheart。Ithadstoppedbeating。Ihavesincebeeninducedtocometotheopinionthatitmusthavebeenthereallthetime，andmusthavebeenbeating，butIcannotaccountforit。Ipattedmyselfallovermyfront，fromwhatIcallmywaistuptomyhead，andI
wentabitroundeachside，andalittlewayuptheback。ButIcouldnotfeelorhearanything。Itriedtolookatmytongue。Istuckitoutasfaraseveritwouldgo，andIshutoneeye，andtriedtoexamineitwiththeother。Icouldonlyseethetip，andtheonlythingthatI
couldgainfromthatwastofeelmorecertainthanbeforethatIhadscarletfever。
Ihadwalkedintothatreading-roomahappy，healthyman。Icrawledoutadecrepitwreck。
Iwenttomymedicalman。Heisanoldchumofmine，andfeelsmypulse，andlooksatmytongue，andtalksabouttheweather，allfornothing，whenIfancyI'mill；soIthoughtIwoulddohimagoodturnbygoingtohimnow。"Whatadoctorwants，"Isaid，"ispractice。Heshallhaveme。
Hewillgetmorepracticeoutofmethanoutofseventeenhundredofyourordinary，commonplacepatients，withonlyoneortwodiseaseseach。"SoIwentstraightupandsawhim，andhesaid：
"Well，what'sthematterwithyou？"
Isaid：
"Iwillnottakeupyourtime，dearboy，withtellingyouwhatisthematterwithme。Lifeisbrief，andyoumightpassawaybeforeIhadfinished。ButIwilltellyouwhatisNOTthematterwithme。Ihavenotgothousemaid'sknee。WhyIhavenotgothousemaid'sknee，Icannottellyou；butthefactremainsthatIhavenotgotit。Everythingelse，however，IHAVEgot。"
AndItoldhimhowIcametodiscoveritall。
Thenheopenedmeandlookeddownme，andclutchedholdofmywrist，andthenhehitmeoverthechestwhenIwasn'texpectingit-acowardlythingtodo，Icallit-andimmediatelyafterwardsbuttedmewiththesideofhishead。Afterthat，hesatdownandwroteoutaprescription，andfoldeditupandgaveitme，andIputitinmypocketandwentout。
Ididnotopenit。Itookittothenearestchemist's，andhandeditin。
Themanreadit，andthenhandeditback。
Hesaidhedidn'tkeepit。
Isaid：
"Youareachemist？"
Hesaid：
"Iamachemist。IfIwasaco-operativestoresandfamilyhotelcombined，Imightbeabletoobligeyou。Beingonlyachemisthampersme。"
Ireadtheprescription。Itran：
"1lb。beefsteak，with1pt。bitterbeerevery6hours。
1ten-milewalkeverymorning。
1bedat11sharpeverynight。
Anddon'tstuffupyourheadwiththingsyoudon'tunderstand。"
Ifollowedthedirections，withthehappyresult-speakingformyself-
thatmylifewaspreserved，andisstillgoingon。
Inthepresentinstance，goingbacktotheliver-pillcircular，Ihadthesymptoms，beyondallmistake，thechiefamongthembeing"ageneraldisinclinationtoworkofanykind。"
WhatIsufferinthatwaynotonguecantell。FrommyearliestinfancyI
havebeenamartyrtoit。Asaboy，thediseasehardlyeverleftmeforaday。Theydidnotknow，then，thatitwasmyliver。Medicalsciencewasinafarlessadvancedstatethannow，andtheyusedtoputitdowntolaziness。
"Why，youskulkinglittledevil，you，"theywouldsay，"getupanddosomethingforyourliving，can'tyou？"-notknowing，ofcourse，thatI
wasill。
Andtheydidn'tgivemepills；theygavemeclumpsonthesideofthehead。And，strangeasitmayappear，thoseclumpsontheheadoftencuredme-forthetimebeing。Ihaveknownoneclumpontheheadhavemoreeffectuponmyliver，andmakemefeelmoreanxioustogostraightawaythenandthere，anddowhatwaswantedtobedone，withoutfurtherlossoftime，thanawholeboxofpillsdoesnow。
Youknow，itoftenisso-thosesimple，old-fashionedremediesaresometimesmoreefficaciousthanallthedispensarystuff。
Wesatthereforhalf-an-hour，describingtoeachotherourmaladies。I
explainedtoGeorgeandWilliamHarrishowIfeltwhenIgotupinthemorning，andWilliamHarristoldushowhefeltwhenhewenttobed；andGeorgestoodonthehearth-rug，andgaveusacleverandpowerfulpieceofacting，illustrativeofhowhefeltinthenight。
GeorgeFANCIESheisill；butthere'sneveranythingreallythematterwithhim，youknow。
Atthispoint，Mrs。Poppetsknockedatthedoortoknowifwewerereadyforsupper。Wesmiledsadlyatoneanother，andsaidwesupposedwehadbettertrytoswallowabit。Harrissaidalittlesomethinginone'sstomachoftenkeptthediseaseincheck；andMrs。Poppetsbroughtthetrayin，andwedrewuptothetable，andtoyedwithalittlesteakandonions，andsomerhubarbtart。
Imusthavebeenveryweakatthetime；becauseIknow，afterthefirsthalf-hourorso，Iseemedtotakenointerestwhateverinmyfood-anunusualthingforme-andIdidn'twantanycheese。
Thisdutydone，werefilledourglasses，litourpipes，andresumedthediscussionuponourstateofhealth。Whatitwasthatwasactuallythematterwithus，wenoneofuscouldbesureof；buttheunanimousopinionwasthatit-whateveritwas-hadbeenbroughtonbyoverwork。
"Whatwewantisrest，"saidHarris。
"Restandacompletechange，"saidGeorge。"Theoverstrainuponourbrainshasproducedageneraldepressionthroughoutthesystem。Changeofscene，andabsenceofthenecessityforthought，willrestorethementalequilibrium。"
Georgehasacousin，whoisusuallydescribedinthecharge-sheetasamedicalstudent，sothathenaturallyhasasomewhatfamily-physicianarywayofputtingthings。
IagreedwithGeorge，andsuggestedthatweshouldseekoutsomeretiredandold-worldspot，farfromthemaddingcrowd，anddreamawayasunnyweekamongitsdrowsylanes-somehalf-forgottennook，hiddenawaybythefairies，outofreachofthenoisyworld-somequaint-perchedeyrieonthecliffsofTime，fromwhencethesurgingwavesofthenineteenthcenturywouldsoundfar-offandfaint。
Harrissaidhethoughtitwouldbehumpy。HesaidheknewthesortofplaceImeant；whereeverybodywenttobedateighto'clock，andyoucouldn'tgetaREFEREEforloveormoney，andhadtowalktenmilestogetyourbaccy。
"No，"saidHarris，"ifyouwantrestandchange，youcan'tbeataseatrip。"
Iobjectedtotheseatripstrongly。Aseatripdoesyougoodwhenyouaregoingtohaveacoupleofmonthsofit，but，foraweek，itiswicked。
YoustartonMondaywiththeideaimplantedinyourbosomthatyouaregoingtoenjoyyourself。Youwaveanairyadieutotheboysonshore，lightyourbiggestpipe，andswaggeraboutthedeckasifyouwereCaptainCook，SirFrancisDrake，andChristopherColumbusallrolledintoone。OnTuesday，youwishyouhadn'tcome。OnWednesday，Thursday，andFriday，youwishyouweredead。OnSaturday，youareabletoswallowalittlebeeftea，andtositupondeck，andanswerwithawan，sweetsmilewhenkind-heartedpeopleaskyouhowyoufeelnow。OnSunday，youbegintowalkaboutagain，andtakesolidfood。AndonMondaymorning，as，withyourbagandumbrellainyourhand，youstandbythegunwale，waitingtostepashore，youbegintothoroughlylikeit。
Iremembermybrother-in-lawgoingforashortseatriponce，forthebenefitofhishealth。HetookareturnberthfromLondontoLiverpool；
andwhenhegottoLiverpool，theonlythinghewasanxiousaboutwastosellthatreturnticket。
Itwasofferedroundthetownatatremendousreduction，soIamtold；
andwaseventuallysoldforeighteenpencetoabilious-lookingyouthwhohadjustbeenadvisedbyhismedicalmentogotothesea-side，andtakeexercise。
"Sea-side！"saidmybrother-in-law，pressingtheticketaffectionatelyintohishand；"why，you'llhaveenoughtolastyoualifetime；andasforexercise！why，you'llgetmoreexercise，sittingdownonthatship，thanyouwouldturningsomersaultsondryland。"
Hehimself-mybrother-in-law-camebackbytrain。HesaidtheNorth-
WesternRailwaywashealthyenoughforhim。
AnotherfellowIknewwentforaweek'svoyageroundthecoast，and，beforetheystarted，thestewardcametohimtoaskwhetherhewouldpayforeachmealashehadit，orarrangebeforehandforthewholeseries。
Thestewardrecommendedthelattercourse，asitwouldcomesomuchcheaper。Hesaidtheywoulddohimforthewholeweekattwopoundsfive。Hesaidforbreakfasttherewouldbefish，followedbyagrill。
Lunchwasatone，andconsistedoffourcourses。Dinneratsix-soup，fish，entree，joint，poultry，salad，sweets，cheese，anddessert。Andalightmeatsupperatten。
Myfriendthoughthewouldcloseonthetwo-pound-fivejob（heisaheartyeater），anddidso。
LunchcamejustastheywereoffSheerness。Hedidn'tfeelsohungryashethoughtheshould，andsocontentedhimselfwithabitofboiledbeef，andsomestrawberriesandcream。Heponderedagooddealduringtheafternoon，andatonetimeitseemedtohimthathehadbeeneatingnothingbutboiledbeefforweeks，andatothertimesitseemedthathemusthavebeenlivingonstrawberriesandcreamforyears。
Neitherthebeefnorthestrawberriesandcreamseemedhappy，either-
seemeddiscontentedlike。
Atsix，theycameandtoldhimdinnerwasready。Theannouncementarousednoenthusiasmwithinhim，buthefeltthattherewassomeofthattwo-pound-fivetobeworkedoff，andheheldontoropesandthingsandwentdown。Apleasantodourofonionsandhotham，mingledwithfriedfishandgreens，greetedhimatthebottomoftheladder；andthenthestewardcameupwithanoilysmile，andsaid：
"WhatcanIgetyou，sir？"
"Getmeoutofthis，"wasthefeeblereply。
Andtheyranhimupquick，andproppedhimup，overtoleeward，andlefthim。
Forthenextfourdayshelivedasimpleandblamelesslifeonthincaptain'sbiscuits（Imeanthatthebiscuitswerethin，notthecaptain）
andsoda-water；but，towardsSaturday，hegotuppish，andwentinforweakteaanddrytoast，andonMondayhewasgorginghimselfonchickenbroth。HelefttheshiponTuesday，andasitsteamedawayfromthelanding-stagehegazedafteritregretfully。
"Thereshegoes，"hesaid，"thereshegoes，withtwopounds'worthoffoodonboardthatbelongstome，andthatIhaven'thad。"
Hesaidthatiftheyhadgivenhimanotherdayhethoughthecouldhaveputitstraight。
SoIsetmyfaceagainsttheseatrip。Not，asIexplained，uponmyownaccount。Iwasneverqueer。ButIwasafraidforGeorge。Georgesaidheshouldbeallright，andwouldratherlikeit，buthewouldadviseHarrisandmenottothinkofit，ashefeltsureweshouldbothbeill。
Harrissaidthat，tohimself，itwasalwaysamysteryhowpeoplemanagedtogetsickatsea-saidhethoughtpeoplemustdoitonpurpose，fromaffectation-saidhehadoftenwishedtobe，buthadneverbeenable。
ThenhetoldusanecdotesofhowhehadgoneacrosstheChannelwhenitwassoroughthatthepassengershadtobetiedintotheirberths，andheandthecaptainweretheonlytwolivingsoulsonboardwhowerenotill。
Sometimesitwasheandthesecondmatewhowerenotill；butitwasgenerallyheandoneotherman。Ifnotheandanotherman，thenitwashebyhimself。
Itisacuriousfact，butnobodyeverissea-sick-onland。Atsea，youcomeacrossplentyofpeopleverybadindeed，wholeboat-loadsofthem；
butInevermetamanyet，onland，whohadeverknownatallwhatitwastobesea-sick。Wherethethousandsuponthousandsofbadsailorsthatswarmineveryshiphidethemselveswhentheyareonlandisamystery。
IfmostmenwerelikeafellowIsawontheYarmouthboatoneday，I
couldaccountfortheseemingenigmaeasilyenough。ItwasjustoffSouthendPier，Irecollect，andhewasleaningoutthroughoneoftheport-holesinaverydangerousposition。Iwentuptohimtotryandsavehim。
"Hi！comefurtherin，"Isaid，shakinghimbytheshoulder。"You'llbeoverboard。"
"Ohmy！IwishIwas，"wastheonlyanswerIcouldget；andthereIhadtoleavehim。
Threeweeksafterwards，Imethiminthecoffee-roomofaBathhotel，talkingabouthisvoyages，andexplaining，withenthusiasm，howhelovedthesea。
"Goodsailor！"herepliedinanswertoamildyoungman'senviousquery；
"well，IdidfeelalittlequeerONCE，Iconfess。ItwasoffCapeHorn。
Thevesselwaswreckedthenextmorning。"
Isaid：
"Weren'tyoualittleshakybySouthendPieroneday，andwantedtobethrownoverboard？"
"SouthendPier！"hereplied，withapuzzledexpression。
"Yes；goingdowntoYarmouth，lastFridaythreeweeks。"
"Oh，ah-yes，"heanswered，brighteningup；"Iremembernow。Ididhaveaheadachethatafternoon。Itwasthepickles，youknow。TheywerethemostdisgracefulpicklesIevertastedinarespectableboat。Didyouhaveany？"
Formyself，Ihavediscoveredanexcellentpreventiveagainstsea-
sickness，inbalancingmyself。Youstandinthecentreofthedeck，and，astheshipheavesandpitches，youmoveyourbodyabout，soastokeepitalwaysstraight。Whenthefrontoftheshiprises，youleanforward，tillthedeckalmosttouchesyournose；andwhenitsbackendgetsup，youleanbackwards。Thisisallverywellforanhourortwo；butyoucan'tbalanceyourselfforaweek。
Georgesaid：
"Let'sgouptheriver。"
Hesaidweshouldhavefreshair，exerciseandquiet；theconstantchangeofscenewouldoccupyourminds（includingwhattherewasofHarris's）；
andthehardworkwouldgiveusagoodappetite，andmakeussleepwell。
Harrissaidhedidn'tthinkGeorgeoughttodoanythingthatwouldhaveatendencytomakehimsleepierthanhealwayswas，asitmightbedangerous。
Hesaidhedidn'tverywellunderstandhowGeorgewasgoingtosleepanymorethanhedidnow，seeingthattherewereonlytwenty-fourhoursineachday，summerandwinteralike；butthoughtthatifheDIDsleepanymore，hemightjustaswellbedead，andsosavehisboardandlodging。
Harrissaid，however，thattheriverwouldsuithimtoa"T。"Idon'tknowwhata"T"is（exceptasixpennyone，whichincludesbread-and-
butterandcakeADLIB。，andischeapattheprice，ifyouhaven'thadanydinner）。Itseemstosuiteverybody，however，whichisgreatlytoitscredit。
Itsuitedmetoa"T"too，andHarrisandIbothsaiditwasagoodideaofGeorge's；andwesaiditinatonethatseemedtosomehowimplythatweweresurprisedthatGeorgeshouldhavecomeoutsosensible。
TheonlyonewhowasnotstruckwiththesuggestionwasMontmorency。Heneverdidcarefortheriver，didMontmorency。
"It'sallverywellforyoufellows，"hesays；"youlikeit，butIdon't。
There'snothingformetodo。Sceneryisnotinmyline，andIdon'tsmoke。IfIseearat，youwon'tstop；andifIgotosleep，yougetfoolingaboutwiththeboat，andslopmeoverboard。Ifyouaskme，I
callthewholethingballyfoolishness。"
Wewerethreetoone，however，andthemotionwascarried。
CHAPTERII。
PLANSDISCUSSED-PLEASURESOF"CAMPING-OUT，"ONFINENIGHTS-DITTO，WETNIGHTS-COMPROMISEDECIDEDON-MONTMORENCY，FIRSTIMPRESSIONSOF-
FEARSLESTHEISTOOGOODFORTHISWORLD，FEARSSUBSEQUENTLYDISMISSED
ASGROUNDLESS-MEETINGADJOURNS。
WEpulledoutthemaps，anddiscussedplans。
WearrangedtostartonthefollowingSaturdayfromKingston。HarrisandIwouldgodowninthemorning，andtaketheboatuptoChertsey，andGeorge，whowouldnotbeabletogetawayfromtheCitytilltheafternoon（Georgegoestosleepatabankfromtentofoureachday，exceptSaturdays，whentheywakehimupandputhimoutsideattwo），wouldmeetusthere。
Shouldwe"campout"orsleepatinns？
GeorgeandIwereforcampingout。Wesaiditwouldbesowildandfree，sopatriarchallike。
Slowlythegoldenmemoryofthedeadsunfadesfromtheheartsofthecold，sadclouds。Silent，likesorrowingchildren，thebirdshaveceasedtheirsong，andonlythemoorhen'splaintivecryandtheharshcroakofthecorncrakestirstheawedhusharoundthecouchofwaters，wherethedyingdaybreathesoutherlast。
Fromthedimwoodsoneitherbank，Night'sghostlyarmy，thegreyshadows，creepoutwithnoiselesstreadtochaseawaythelingeringrear-
guardofthelight，andpass，withnoiseless，unseenfeet，abovethewavingriver-grass，andthroughthesighingrushes；andNight，uponhersombrethrone，foldsherblackwingsabovethedarkeningworld，and，fromherphantompalace，litbythepalestars，reignsinstillness。
Thenwerunourlittleboatintosomequietnook，andthetentispitched，andthefrugalsuppercookedandeaten。Thenthebigpipesarefilledandlighted，andthepleasantchatgoesroundinmusicalundertone；while，inthepausesofourtalk，theriver，playingroundtheboat，prattlesstrangeoldtalesandsecrets，singslowtheoldchild'ssongthatithassungsomanythousandyears-willsingsomanythousandyearstocome，beforeitsvoicegrowsharshandold-asongthatwe，whohavelearnttoloveitschangingface，whohavesooftennestledonitsyieldingbosom，think，somehow，weunderstand，thoughwecouldnottellyouinmerewordsthestorythatwelistento。
Andwesitthere，byitsmargin，whilethemoon，wholovesittoo，stoopsdowntokissitwithasister'skiss，andthrowshersilverarmsarounditclingingly；andwewatchitasitflows，eversinging，everwhispering，outtomeetitsking，thesea-tillourvoicesdieawayinsilence，andthepipesgoout-tillwe，common-place，everydayyoungmenenough，feelstrangelyfullofthoughts，halfsad，halfsweet，anddonotcareorwanttospeak-tillwelaugh，and，rising，knocktheashesfromourburnt-outpipes，andsay"Good-night，"and，lulledbythelappingwaterandtherustlingtrees，wefallasleepbeneaththegreat，stillstars，anddreamthattheworldisyoungagain-youngandsweetassheusedtobeerethecenturiesoffretandcarehadfurrowedherfairface，ereherchildren'ssinsandfollieshadmadeoldherlovingheart-sweetasshewasinthosebygonedayswhen，anew-mademother，shenursedus，herchildren，uponherowndeepbreast-erethewilesofpaintedcivilizationhadluredusawayfromherfondarms，andthepoisonedsneersofartificialityhadmadeusashamedofthesimplelifeweledwithher，andthesimple，statelyhomewheremankindwasbornsomanythousandsyearsago。
Harrissaid：
"Howaboutwhenitrained？"
YoucanneverrouseHarris。ThereisnopoetryaboutHarris-nowildyearningfortheunattainable。Harrisnever"weeps，heknowsnotwhy。"
IfHarris'seyesfillwithtears，youcanbetitisbecauseHarrishasbeeneatingrawonions，orhasputtoomuchWorcesteroverhischop。
Ifyouweretostandatnightbythesea-shorewithHarris，andsay：
"Hark！doyounothear？Isitbutthemermaidssingingdeepbelowthewavingwaters；orsadspirits，chantingdirgesforwhitecorpses，heldbyseaweed？"Harriswouldtakeyoubythearm，andsay：
"Iknowwhatitis，oldman；you'vegotachill。Now，youcomealongwithme。Iknowaplaceroundthecornerhere，whereyoucangetadropofthefinestScotchwhiskyyouevertasted-putyourightinlessthannotime。"
Harrisalwaysdoesknowaplaceroundthecornerwhereyoucangetsomethingbrilliantinthedrinkingline。IbelievethatifyoumetHarrisupinParadise（supposingsuchathinglikely），hewouldimmediatelygreetyouwith：
"Sogladyou'vecome，oldfellow；I'vefoundaniceplaceroundthecornerhere，whereyoucangetsomereallyfirst-classnectar。"
Inthepresentinstance，however，asregardedthecampingout，hispracticalviewofthemattercameasaverytimelyhint。Campingoutinrainyweatherisnotpleasant。
Itisevening。Youarewetthrough，andthereisagoodtwoinchesofwaterintheboat，andallthethingsaredamp。Youfindaplaceonthebanksthatisnotquitesopuddlyasotherplacesyouhaveseen，andyoulandandlugoutthetent，andtwoofyouproceedtofixit。
Itissoakedandheavy，anditflopsabout，andtumblesdownonyou，andclingsroundyourheadandmakesyoumad。Therainispouringsteadilydownallthetime。Itisdifficultenoughtofixatentindryweather：
inwet，thetaskbecomesherculean。Insteadofhelpingyou，itseemstoyouthattheothermanissimplyplayingthefool。Justasyougetyoursidebeautifullyfixed，hegivesitahoistfromhisend，andspoilsitall。
"Here！whatareyouupto？"youcallout。
"WhatareYOUupto？"heretorts；"leggo，can'tyou？"
"Don'tpullit；you'vegotitallwrong，youstupidass！"youshout。
"No，Ihaven't，"heyellsback；"letgoyourside！"
"Itellyouyou'vegotitallwrong！"youroar，wishingthatyoucouldgetathim；andyougiveyourropesalugthatpullsallhispegsout。
"Ah，theballyidiot！"youhearhimmuttertohimself；andthencomesasavagehaul，andawaygoesyourside。Youlaydownthemalletandstarttogoroundandtellhimwhatyouthinkaboutthewholebusiness，and，atthesametime，hestartsroundinthesamedirectiontocomeandexplainhisviewstoyou。Andyoufolloweachotherroundandround，swearingatoneanother，untilthetenttumblesdowninaheap，andleavesyoulookingateachotheracrossitsruins，whenyoubothindignantlyexclaim，inthesamebreath：
"Thereyouare！whatdidItellyou？"
Meanwhilethethirdman，whohasbeenbalingouttheboat，andwhohasspilledthewaterdownhissleeve，andhasbeencursingawaytohimselfsteadilyforthelasttenminutes，wantstoknowwhatthethunderingblazesyou'replayingat，andwhytheblarmedtentisn'tupyet。
Atlast，somehoworother，itdoesgetup，andyoulandthethings。Itishopelessattemptingtomakeawoodfire，soyoulightthemethylatedspiritstove，andcrowdroundthat。
Rainwateristhechiefarticleofdietatsupper。Thebreadistwo-
thirdsrainwater，thebeefsteak-pieisexceedinglyrichinit，andthejam，andthebutter，andthesalt，andthecoffeehaveallcombinedwithittomakesoup。
Aftersupper，youfindyourtobaccoisdamp，andyoucannotsmoke。
Luckilyyouhaveabottleofthestuffthatcheersandinebriates，iftakeninproperquantity，andthisrestorestoyousufficientinterestinlifetoinduceyoutogotobed。
Thereyoudreamthatanelephanthassuddenlysatdownonyourchest，andthatthevolcanohasexplodedandthrownyoudowntothebottomofthesea-theelephantstillsleepingpeacefullyonyourbosom。Youwakeupandgrasptheideathatsomethingterriblereallyhashappened。Yourfirstimpressionisthattheendoftheworldhascome；andthenyouthinkthatthiscannotbe，andthatitisthievesandmurderers，orelsefire，andthisopinionyouexpressintheusualmethod。Nohelpcomes，however，andallyouknowisthatthousandsofpeoplearekickingyou，andyouarebeingsmothered。
Somebodyelseseemsintrouble，too。Youcanhearhisfaintcriescomingfromunderneathyourbed。Determining，atallevents，tosellyourlifedearly，youstrugglefrantically，hittingoutrightandleftwitharmsandlegs，andyellinglustilythewhile，andatlastsomethinggivesway，andyoufindyourheadinthefreshair。Twofeetoff，youdimlyobserveahalf-dressedruffian，waitingtokillyou，andyouarepreparingforalife-and-deathstrugglewithhim，whenitbeginstodawnuponyouthatit'sJim。
"Oh，it'syou，isit？"hesays，recognisingyouatthesamemoment。
"Yes，"youanswer，rubbingyoureyes；"what'shappened？"
"Ballytent'sblowndown，Ithink，"hesays。
"Where'sBill？"
Thenyoubothraiseupyourvoicesandshoutfor"Bill！"andthegroundbeneathyouheavesandrocks，andthemuffledvoicethatyouheardbeforerepliesfromouttheruin：
"Getoffmyhead，can'tyou？"
AndBillstrugglesout，amuddy，trampledwreck，andinanunnecessarilyaggressivemood-hebeingundertheevidentbeliefthatthewholethinghasbeendoneonpurpose。
Inthemorningyouareallthreespeechless，owingtohavingcaughtseverecoldsinthenight；youalsofeelveryquarrelsome，andyouswearateachotherinhoarsewhispersduringthewholeofbreakfasttime。
Wethereforedecidedthatwewouldsleepoutonfinenights；andhotelit，andinnit，andpub。it，likerespectablefolks，whenitwaswet，orwhenwefeltinclinedforachange。
Montmorencyhailedthiscompromisewithmuchapproval。Hedoesnotrevelinromanticsolitude。Givehimsomethingnoisy；andifatriflelow，somuchthejollier。TolookatMontmorencyyouwouldimaginethathewasanangelsentupontheearth，forsomereasonwithheldfrommankind，intheshapeofasmallfox-terrier。ThereisasortofOh-what-a-wicked-
world-this-is-and-how-I-wish-I-could-do-something-to-make-it-better-and-
noblerexpressionaboutMontmorencythathasbeenknowntobringthetearsintotheeyesofpiousoldladiesandgentlemen。
Whenfirsthecametoliveatmyexpense，IneverthoughtIshouldbeabletogethimtostoplong。Iusedtositdownandlookathim，ashesatontherugandlookedupatme，andthink："Oh，thatdogwillneverlive。Hewillbesnatcheduptothebrightskiesinachariot，thatiswhatwillhappentohim。"
But，whenIhadpaidforaboutadozenchickensthathehadkilled；andhaddraggedhim，growlingandkicking，bythescruffofhisneck，outofahundredandfourteenstreetfights；andhadhadadeadcatbroughtroundformyinspectionbyaniratefemale，whocalledmeamurderer；andhadbeensummonedbythemannextdoorbutoneforhavingaferociousdogatlarge，thathadkepthimpinnedupinhisowntool-shed，afraidtoventurehisnoseoutsidethedoorforovertwohoursonacoldnight；andhadlearnedthatthegardener，unknowntomyself，hadwonthirtyshillingsbybackinghimtokillratsagainsttime，thenIbegantothinkthatmaybethey'dlethimremainonearthforabitlonger，afterall。
Tohangaboutastable，andcollectagangofthemostdisreputabledogstobefoundinthetown，andleadthemouttomarchroundtheslumstofightotherdisreputabledogs，isMontmorency'sideaof"life；"andso，asIbeforeobserved，hegavetothesuggestionofinns，andpubs。，andhotelshismostemphaticapprobation。
Havingthussettledthesleepingarrangementstothesatisfactionofallfourofus，theonlythinglefttodiscusswaswhatweshouldtakewithus；andthiswehadbeguntoargue，whenHarrissaidhe'dhadenoughoratoryforonenight，andproposedthatweshouldgooutandhaveasmile，sayingthathehadfoundaplace，roundbythesquare，whereyoucouldreallygetadropofIrishworthdrinking。
Georgesaidhefeltthirsty（IneverknewGeorgewhenhedidn't）；and，asIhadapresentimentthatalittlewhisky，warm，withasliceoflemon，woulddomycomplaintgood，thedebatewas，bycommonassent，adjournedtothefollowingnight；andtheassemblyputonitshatsandwentout。
CHAPTERIII。
ARRANGEMENTSSETTLED-HARRIS'SMETHODOFDOINGWORK-HOWTHEELDERLY，FAMILY-MANPUTSUPAPICTURE-GEORGEMAKESASENSIBLE，REMARK-
DELIGHTSOFEARLYMORNINGBATHING-PROVISIONSFORGETTINGUPSET。
SO，onthefollowingevening，weagainassembled，todiscussandarrangeourplans。Harrissaid：
"Now，thefirstthingtosettleiswhattotakewithus。Now，yougetabitofpaperandwritedown，J。，andyougetthegrocerycatalogue，George，andsomebodygivemeabitofpencil，andthenI'llmakeoutalist。"
That'sHarrisallover-soreadytotaketheburdenofeverythinghimself，andputitonthebacksofotherpeople。
HealwaysremindsmeofmypoorUnclePodger。Youneversawsuchacommotionupanddownahouse，inallyourlife，aswhenmyUnclePodgerundertooktodoajob。Apicturewouldhavecomehomefromtheframe-
maker's，andbestandinginthedining-room，waitingtobeputup；andAuntPodgerwouldaskwhatwastobedonewithit，andUnclePodgerwouldsay：
"Oh，youleavethattoME。Don'tyou，anyofyou，worryyourselvesaboutthat。I'LLdoallthat。"
Andthenhewouldtakeoffhiscoat，andbegin。Hewouldsendthegirloutforsixpen'orthofnails，andthenoneoftheboysafterhertotellherwhatsizetoget；and，fromthat，hewouldgraduallyworkdown，andstartthewholehouse。
"Nowyougoandgetmemyhammer，Will，"hewouldshout；"andyoubringmetherule，Tom；andIshallwantthestep-ladder，andIhadbetterhaveakitchen-chair，too；and，Jim！yourunroundtoMr。Goggles，andtellhim，`Pa'skindregards，andhopeshisleg'sbetter；andwillhelendhimhisspirit-level？'Anddon'tyougo，Maria，becauseIshallwantsomebodytoholdmethelight；andwhenthegirlcomesback，shemustgooutagainforabitofpicture-cord；andTom！-where'sTom？-Tom，youcomehere；Ishallwantyoutohandmeupthepicture。"
Andthenhewouldliftupthepicture，anddropit，anditwouldcomeoutoftheframe，andhewouldtrytosavetheglass，andcuthimself；andthenhewouldspringroundtheroom，lookingforhishandkerchief。Hecouldnotfindhishandkerchief，becauseitwasinthepocketofthecoathehadtakenoff，andhedidnotknowwherehehadputthecoat，andallthehousehadtoleaveofflookingforhistools，andstartlookingforhiscoat；whilehewoulddanceroundandhinderthem。
"Doesn'tanybodyinthewholehouseknowwheremycoatis？Inevercameacrosssuchasetinallmylife-uponmywordIdidn't。Sixofyou！-
andyoucan'tfindacoatthatIputdownnotfiveminutesago！Well，ofallthe-"
Thenhe'dgetup，andfindthathehadbeensittingonit，andwouldcallout：
"Oh，youcangiveitup！I'vefounditmyselfnow。Mightjustaswellaskthecattofindanythingasexpectyoupeopletofindit。"
And，whenhalfanhourhadbeenspentintyinguphisfinger，andanewglasshadbeengot，andthetools，andtheladder，andthechair，andthecandlehadbeenbrought，hewouldhaveanothergo，thewholefamily，includingthegirlandthecharwoman，standingroundinasemi-circle，readytohelp。Twopeoplewouldhavetoholdthechair，andathirdwouldhelphimuponit，andholdhimthere，andafourthwouldhandhimanail，andafifthwouldpasshimupthehammer，andhewouldtakeholdofthenail，anddropit。
"There！"hewouldsay，inaninjuredtone，"nowthenail'sgone。"
Andwewouldallhavetogodownonourkneesandgrovelforit，whilehewouldstandonthechair，andgrunt，andwanttoknowifhewastobekepttherealltheevening。
Thenailwouldbefoundatlast，butbythattimehewouldhavelostthehammer。
"Where'sthehammer？WhatdidIdowiththehammer？Greatheavens！
Sevenofyou，gapingroundthere，andyoudon'tknowwhatIdidwiththehammer！"
Wewouldfindthehammerforhim，andthenhewouldhavelostsightofthemarkhehadmadeonthewall，wherethenailwastogoin，andeachofushadtogetuponthechair，besidehim，andseeifwecouldfindit；andwewouldeachdiscoveritinadifferentplace，andhewouldcallusallfools，oneafteranother，andtellustogetdown。Andhewouldtaketherule，andre-measure，andfindthathewantedhalfthirty-oneandthree-eighthsinchesfromthecorner，andwouldtrytodoitinhishead，andgomad。
Andwewouldalltrytodoitinourheads，andallarriveatdifferentresults，andsneeratoneanother。Andinthegeneralrow，theoriginalnumberwouldbeforgotten，andUnclePodgerwouldhavetomeasureitagain。
Hewoulduseabitofstringthistime，andatthecriticalmoment，whentheoldfoolwasleaningoverthechairatanangleofforty-five，andtryingtoreachapointthreeinchesbeyondwhatwaspossibleforhimtoreach，thestringwouldslip，anddownhewouldslideontothepiano，areallyfinemusicaleffectbeingproducedbythesuddennesswithwhichhisheadandbodystruckallthenotesatthesametime。
AndAuntMariawouldsaythatshewouldnotallowthechildrentostandroundandhearsuchlanguage。
Atlast，UnclePodgerwouldgetthespotfixedagain，andputthepointofthenailonitwithhislefthand，andtakethehammerinhisrighthand。And，withthefirstblow，hewouldsmashhisthumb，anddropthehammer，withayell，onsomebody'stoes。
AuntMariawouldmildlyobservethat，nexttimeUnclePodgerwasgoingtohammeranailintothewall，shehopedhe'dletherknowintime，sothatshecouldmakearrangementstogoandspendaweekwithhermotherwhileitwasbeingdone。
"Oh！youwomen，youmakesuchafussovereverything，"UnclePodgerwouldreply，pickinghimselfup。"Why，ILIKEdoingalittlejobofthissort。"
Andthenhewouldhaveanothertry，and，atthesecondblow，thenailwouldgocleanthroughtheplaster，andhalfthehammerafterit，andUnclePodgerbeprecipitatedagainstthewallwithforcenearlysufficienttoflattenhisnose。
Thenwehadtofindtheruleandthestringagain，andanewholewasmade；and，aboutmidnight，thepicturewouldbeup-verycrookedandinsecure，thewallforyardsroundlookingasifithadbeensmootheddownwitharake，andeverybodydeadbeatandwretched-exceptUnclePodger。
"Thereyouare，"hewouldsay，steppingheavilyoffthechairontothecharwoman'scorns，andsurveyingthemesshehadmadewithevidentpride。
"Why，somepeoplewouldhavehadamanintodoalittlethinglikethat！"
Harriswillbejustthatsortofmanwhenhegrowsup，Iknow，andItoldhimso。IsaidIcouldnotpermithimtotakesomuchlabouruponhimself。Isaid：
"No；YOUgetthepaper，andthepencil，andthecatalogue，andGeorgewritedown，andI'lldothework。"
Thefirstlistwemadeouthadtobediscarded。ItwasclearthattheupperreachesoftheThameswouldnotallowofthenavigationofaboatsufficientlylargetotakethethingswehadsetdownasindispensable；
sowetorethelistup，andlookedatoneanother！
Georgesaid：
"Youknowweareonawrongtrackaltogether。Wemustnotthinkofthethingswecoulddowith，butonlyofthethingsthatwecan'tdowithout。"
Georgecomesoutreallyquitesensibleattimes。You'dbesurprised。I
callthatdownrightwisdom，notmerelyasregardsthepresentcase，butwithreferencetoourtripuptheriveroflife，generally。Howmanypeople，onthatvoyage，loaduptheboattillitiseverindangerofswampingwithastoreoffoolishthingswhichtheythinkessentialtothepleasureandcomfortofthetrip，butwhicharereallyonlyuselesslumber。
Howtheypilethepoorlittlecraftmast-highwithfineclothesandbighouses；withuselessservants，andahostofswellfriendsthatdonotcaretwopenceforthem，andthattheydonotcarethreeha'pencefor；
withexpensiveentertainmentsthatnobodyenjoys，withformalitiesandfashions，withpretenceandostentation，andwith-oh，heaviest，maddestlumberofall！-thedreadofwhatwillmyneighbourthink，withluxuriesthatonlycloy，withpleasuresthatbore，withemptyshowthat，likethecriminal'sironcrownofyore，makestobleedandswoontheachingheadthatwearsit！
Itislumber，man-alllumber！Throwitoverboard。Itmakestheboatsoheavytopull，younearlyfaintattheoars。Itmakesitsocumbersomeanddangeroustomanage，youneverknowamoment'sfreedomfromanxietyandcare，nevergainamoment'srestfordreamylaziness-
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