"Whatnonsenseyoutalk，Elizabeth，"youreply；"Iamonlybarelypolitetoher。"
"Somemenhavesuchcuriousnotionsofpoliteness，"returnsElizabeth。"Butpraydonotletusquarrel。Iamonlyanxiousnottodisturbyou。Twoarecompany，youknow。Idon’tchoosetobethethird，that’sall。"Withwhichshegoesout。
Andtheveiledladyisstillwaitingforyouup-stairs。Youwonderhowlongshewillstop，alsowhatwillhappenaftersheisgone。
Ifearthereisnoroomforyou，ghosts，inthisourworld。YourememberhowtheycametoHiawatha——theghostsofthedepartedlovedones。Hehadprayedtothemthattheywouldcomebacktohimtocomforthim，soonedaytheycreptintohiswigwam，satinsilenceroundhisfireside，chilledtheairforHiawatha，frozethesmilesofLaughingWater。
Thereisnoroomforyou，ohyoupoorpaleghosts，inthisourworld。Donottroubleus。Letusforget。You，stoutelderlymatron，yourthinlocksturninggrey，youreyesgrownweak，yourchinmoreample，yourvoiceharshwithmuchscoldingandcomplaining，needful，alas！tohouseholdmanagement，Iprayyouleaveme。Ilovedyouwhileyoulived。Howsweet，howbeautifulyouwere。Iseeyounowinyourwhitefrockamongtheapple-blossom。Butyouaredead，andyourghostdisturbsmydreams。
Iwouldithauntedmenot。
You，dulloldfellow，lookingoutatmefromtheglassatwhichI
shave，whydoyouhauntme？YouaretheghostofabrightladI
onceknewwell。Hemighthavedonemuch，hadhelived。Ialwayshadfaithinhim。Whydoyouhauntme？IwouldratherthinkofhimasIrememberhim。Ineverimaginedhewouldmakesuchapoorghost。
ONTHEPREPARATIONANDEMPLOYMENTOFLOVEPHILTRES
Occasionallyafriendwillaskmesomesuchquestionasthis，Doyoupreferdarkwomenorfair？Anotherwillsay，Doyouliketallwomenorshort？Athird，Doyouthinklight-heartedwomen，orserious，themoreagreeablecompany？Ifindmyselfinthepositionthat，onceuponatime，overtookacertaincharmingyoungladyoftastewhowasaskedbyananxiousparent，theyearsmounting，andthefamilyexpenditurenotdecreasing，whichofthenumerousandeligibleyoungmen，thenpayingcourttoher，shelikedthebest。
Shereplied，thatwasherdifficulty。Shecouldnotmakeuphermindwhichshelikedthebest。Theywereallsonice。Shecouldnotpossiblyselectonetotheexclusionofalltheothers。Whatshewouldhavelikedwouldhavebeentomarrythelot，butthat，shepresumed，wasimpracticable。
IfeelIresemblethatyounglady，notsomuch，perhaps，incharmandbeautyasindecisionofmind，whenquestionssuchastheaboveareputtome。Itisasifonewereaskedone’sfavouritefood。
Therearetimeswhenonefanciesaneggwithone’stea。Onotheroccasionsonedreamsofakipper。Todayoneclamoursforlobsters。
To-morrowonefeelsoneneverwishestoseealobsteragain；onedeterminestosettledown，foratime，toadietofbreadandmilkandrice-pudding。AskedsuddenlytosaywhetherIpreferredicestosoup，orbeefsteakstocaviare，Ishouldbenonplussed。
Iliketallwomenandshort，darkwomenandfair，merrywomenandgrave。
Donotblameme，Ladies，thefaultlieswithyou。Everyright-thinkingmanisanuniversallover；howcoulditbeotherwise？
Youaresodiverse，yeteachsocharmingofyourkind；andaman’sheartislarge。Youhavenoidea，fairReader，howlargeaman’sheartis：thatishistrouble——sometimesyours。
MayInotadmirethedaringtulip，becauseIlovealsothemodestlily？MayInotpressakissuponthesweetviolet，becausethescentofthequeenlyroseisprecioustome？
"Certainlynot，"IheartheRosereply。"Ifyoucanseeanythinginher，youshallhavenothingtodowithme。"
"Ifyoucareforthatboldcreature，"saystheLily，trembling，"youarenotthemanItookyoufor。Good-bye。"
"Gotoyourbaby-facedViolet，"criestheTulip，withatossofherhaughtyhead。"Youarejustfittedforeachother。"
AndwhenIreturntotheLily，shetellsmethatshecannottrustme。Shehaswatchedmewiththoseothers。Sheknowsmeforagad-about。Hergentlefaceisfullofpain。
SoImustliveunlovedmerelybecauseIlovetoomuch。
Mywonderisthatyoungmenevermarry。Thedifficultyofselectionmustbeappalling。IwalkedtheothereveninginHydePark。ThebandoftheLifeGuardsplayedheart-liftingmusic，andthevastcrowdwerebaskinginasweetenjoymentsuchasrarelywoostheEnglishtoiler。Istrolledamongthem，andmyattentionwaschieflydrawntowardsthewomen。Thegreatmajorityofthemwere，I
suppose，shop-girls，milliners，andothersbelongingtothelowermiddle-class。Theyhadputontheirbestfrocks，theirbonniesthats，theirnewestgloves。Theysatorwalkedintwosandthrees，chatteringandpreening，ashappyasyoungsparrowsonaclothesline。Andwhatahandsomecrowdtheymade！IhaveseenGermancrowds，IhaveseenFrenchcrowds，IhaveseenItaliancrowds；butnowheredoyoufindsuchaproportionofprettywomenasamongtheEnglishmiddle-class。Threewomenoutofeveryfourwereworthlookingat，everyotherwomanwaspretty，whileeveryfourth，onemightsaywithoutexaggeration，wasbeautiful。AsIpassedtoandfrotheideaoccurredtome：supposeIwereanunprejudicedyoungbachelor，freefrompredilection，lookingforawife；andletmesuppose——itisonlyafancy——thatallthesegirlswerereadyandwillingtoacceptme。Ihaveonlytochoose！Igrewbewildered。
Therewerefairgirls，tolookatwhomwasfatal；darkgirlsthatsetone’sheartaflame；girlswithredgoldhairandgravegreyeyes，whomonewouldfollowtotheconfinesoftheuniverse；
baby-facedgirlsthatonelongedtoloveandcherish；girlswithnoblefaces，whomamanmightworship；laughinggirls，withwhomonecoulddancethroughlifegaily；seriousgirls，withwhomlifewouldbesweetandgood，domestic-lookinggirls——onefeltsuchwouldmakedelightfulwives；theywouldcook，andsew，andmakeofhomeapleasant，peacefulplace。Thenwicked-lookinggirlscameby，atthestabofwhoseboldeyesallorthodoxthoughtswereputtoaflight，whoselaughterturnedtheworldintoamadcarnival；girlsonecouldmould；girlsfromwhomonecouldlearn；sadgirlsonewantedtocomfort；merrygirlswhowouldcheerone；littlegirls，biggirls，queenlygirls，fairy-likegirls。
Supposeayoungmanhadtoselecthiswifeinthisfashionfromsometwentyorthirtythousand；orthatagirlweresuddenlyconfrontedwitheighteenthousandeligibleyoungbachelors，andtoldtotaketheoneshewantedandbequickaboutit？Neitherboynorgirlwouldevermarry。Fateiskindertous。Sheunderstands，andassistsus。InthehallofaParishotelIonceoverheardoneladyaskinganothertorecommendheramilliner’sshop。
"GototheMaisonNouvelle，"advisedthequestionedlady，withenthusiasm。"TheyhavethelargestselectionthereofanyplaceinParis。"
"Iknowtheyhave，"repliedthefirstlady，"thatisjustwhyI
don’tmeantogothere。Itconfusesme。IfIseesixbonnetsIcantelltheoneIwantinfiveminutes。IfIseesixhundredIcomeawaywithoutanybonnetatall。Don’tyouknowalittleshop？"
Fatetakestheyoungmanortheyoungwomanaside。
"Comeintothisvillage，mydear，"saysFate；"intothisby-streetofthissalubrioussuburb，intothissocialcircle，intothischurch，intothischapel。Now，mydearboy，outoftheseseventeenyoungladies，whichwillyouhave？——outofthesethirteenyoungmen，whichwouldyoulikeforyourveryown，mydear？"
"No，miss，Iamsorry，butIamnotabletoshowyouourup-stairsdepartmentto-day，theliftisnotworking。ButIamsureweshallbeabletofindsomethinginthisroomtosuityou。Justlookround，mydear，perhapsyouwillseesomething。"
"No，sir，Icannotshowyouthestockinthenextroom，wenevertakethatoutexceptforourveryspecialcustomers。Wekeepourmostexpensivegoodsinthatroom。（Drawthatcurtain，MissCircumstance，please。Ihavetoldyouofthatbefore。）Now，sir，wouldn’tyoulikethisone？Thiscolourisquitetheragethisseason；wearegettingridofquitealotofthese。"
"NO，sir！Well，ofcourse，itwouldnotdoforeveryone’stastetobethesame。Perhapssomethingdarkwouldsuityoubetter。Bringoutthosetwobrunettes，MissCircumstance。Charminggirlsbothofthem，don’tyouthinkso，sir？Ishouldsaythetalleroneforyou，sir。Justonemoment，sir，allowme。Now，whatdoyouthinkofthat，sir？mighthavebeenmadetofityou，I’msure。Youprefertheshorterone。Certainly，sir，nodifferencetousatall。Botharethesameprice。There’snothinglikehavingone’sownfancy，I
alwayssay。NO，sir，Icannotputherasideforyou，weneverdothat。Indeed，there’sratherarunonbrunettesjustatpresent。I
hadagentlemaninonlythismorning，lookingatthisparticularone，andheisgoingtocallagainto-night。Indeed，Iamnotatallsure——Oh，ofcourse，sir，ifyouliketosettleonthisonenow，thatendsthematter。（Putthoseothersaway，MissCircumstance，please，andmarkthisonesold。）Ifeelsureyou’lllikeher，sir，whenyougetherhome。ThankYOU，sir。Good-morning！"
"Now，miss，haveYOUseenanythingyoufancy？YES，miss，thisisallwehaveatanythingnearyourprice。（Shutthoseothercupboards，MissCircumstance；nevershowmorestockthanyouareobligedto，itonlyconfusescustomers。HowoftenamItotellyouthat？）YES，miss，youarequiteright，thereISaslightblemish。
Theyallhavesomeslightflaw。Themakerssaytheycan’thelpit——
it’sinthematerial。It’snotonceinaseasonwegetaperfectspecimen；andwhenwedoladiesdon’tseemtocareforit。Mostofourcustomerspreferalittlefaultiness。Theysayitgivescharacter。Now，lookatthis，miss。Thissortofthingwearsverywell，warmandquiet。You’dlikeonewithmorecolourinit？
Certainly。MissCircumstance，reachmedowntheartpatterns。NO，miss，wedon’tguaranteeanyofthemovertheyear，somuchdependsonhowyouusethem。OHYES，miss，they’llstandafairamountofwear。Peopledotellyouthequieterpatternslastlonger；butmyexperienceisthatoneismuchthesameasanother。There’sreallynotellinganyofthemuntilyoucometotrythem。Weneverrecommendonemorethananother。There’salotofchanceaboutthesegoods，it’sinthenatureofthem。WhatIalwayssaytoladiesis——’Pleaseyourself，it’syouwhohavegottowearit；andit’snogoodhavinganarticleyoustartbynotliking。’YES，miss，itISprettyanditlookswellagainstyou：itdoesindeed。Thankyou，miss。Putthatoneaside，MissCircumstance，please。Seethatitdoesn’tgetmixedupwiththeunsoldstock。"
Itisausefulphiltre，thejuiceofthatsmallwesternflower，thatOberondropsuponoureyelidsaswesleep。Itsolvesalldifficultiesinatrice。WhyofcourseHelenaisthefairer。
CompareherwithHermia！Comparetheravenwiththedove！Howcouldweeverhavedoubtedforamoment？Bottomisanangel，Bottomisaswiseasheishandsome。Oh，Oberon，wethankyouforthatdrug。MatildaJaneisagoddess；MatildaJaneisaqueen；nowomaneverbornofEvewaslikeMatildaJane。Thelittlepimpleonhernose——herlittle，sweet，tip-tiltednose——howbeautifulitis。Herbrighteyesflashwithtempernowandthen；howpiquantisatemperinawoman。Williamisadearoldstupid，howlovablestupidmencanbe——especiallywhenwiseenoughtoloveus。Williamdoesnotshineinconversation；howwehateamagpieofaman。William’schiniswhatiscalledreceding，justthesortofchinabeardlookswellon。Blessyou，Oberondarling，forthatdrug；rubitonoureyelidsonceagain。Betterletushaveabottle，Oberon，tokeepbyus。
Oberon，Oberon，whatareyouthinkingof？YouhavegiventhebottletoPuck。Takeitawayfromhim，quick。LordhelpusallifthatImphasthebottle。LordsaveusfromPuckwhilewesleep。
Ormaywe，fairyOberon，regardyourlotionasaneye-opener，ratherthanasaneye-closer？Yourememberthestorythestorkstoldthechildren，ofthelittlegirlwhowasatoadbyday，onlyhersweetdarkeyesbeinglefttoher。Butatnight，whenthePrinceclaspedherclosetohisbreast，lo！againshebecametheking’sdaughter，fairestandfondestofwomen。TherebemanyroyalladiesinMarshland，withbadcomplexionandthinstraighthair，andthesillyprincessneerandrideawaytowoosomekitchenwenchdeckedoutinqueen’sapparel。LuckytheprinceuponwhoseeyelidsOberonhasdroppedthemagicphiltre。
InthegalleryofaminorContinentaltownIhaveforgotten，hangsapicturethatliveswithme。ThepaintingIcannotrecall，whethergoodorbad；artistsmustforgivemeforrememberingonlythesubject。Itshowsaman，crucifiedbytheroadside。Nomartyrhe。
Ifeveramandeservedhangingitwasthisone。Somuchtheartisthasmadeclear。Theface，evenunderitsmaskofagony，isanevil，treacherousface。Apeasantgirlclingstothecross；shestandstip-toeuponapatientdonkey，strainingherfaceupwardforthehalf-deadmantostoopandkissherlips。
Thief，coward，blackguard，theyarestampeduponhisface，butUNDER
theface，undertheeviloutside？Istherenoremnantofmanhood——
nothingtender，nothing，true？Awomanhascrepttothecrosstokisshim：noevidenceinhisfavour，myLord？Loveisblind-aye，toourfaults。Heavenhelpusall；Love’seyeswouldbesoreindeedifitwerenotso。Butforthegoodthatisinushereyesarekeen。You，crucifiedblackguard，standforth。Ahundredwitnesseshavegiventheirevidenceagainstyou。Aretherenonetogiveevidenceforhim？Awoman，greatJudge，wholovedhim。Letherspeak。
ButIamwanderingfarfromHydeParkanditsshowofgirls。
Theypassedandre-passedme，laughing，smiling，talking。Theireyeswerebrightwithmerrythoughts；theirvoicessoftandmusical。
Theywerepleased，andtheywantedtoplease。Someweremarried，somehadevidentlyreasonableexpectationsofbeingmarried；theresthopedtobe。Andwe，myself，andsometenthousandotheryoungmen。Irepeatit——myselfandsometenthousandotheryoungmen；forwhoamonguseverthinksofhimselfbutasayoungman？Itistheworldthatages，notwe。Thechildrenceasetheirplayingandgrowgrave，thelasses’eyesaredimmer。Thehillsarealittlesteeper，themilestones，surely，furtherapart。Thesongstheyoungmensingarelessmerrythanthesongsweusedtosing。Thedayshavegrownalittlecolder，thewindalittlekeener。Thewinehaslostitsflavoursomewhat；thenewhumourisnotliketheold。Theotherboysarebecomingdullandprosy；butwearenotchanged。Itistheworldthatisgrowingold。Therefore，Ibraveyourthoughtlesslaughter，youthfulReader，andrepeatthatwe，myselfandsometenthousandotheryoungmen，walkedamongthesesweetgirls；and，usingourboyisheyes，werefascinated，charmed，andcaptivated。Howdelightfultospendourliveswiththem，todolittleservicesforthemthatwouldcallupthesebrightsmiles。Howpleasanttojestwiththem，andheartheirflute-likelaughter，toconsolethemandreadtheirgratefuleyes。Reallylifeisapleasantthing，andtheideaofmarriageundoubtedlyoriginatedinthebrainofakindlyProvidence。
Wesmiledbackatthem，andwemadewayforthem；werosefromourchairswithapolite，"Allowme，miss，""Don’tmentionit，Ipreferstanding。""Itisadelightfulevening，isitnot？"Andperhaps——
forwhatharmwasthere？——wedroppedintoconversationwiththesechancefellow-passengersuponthestreamoflife。Therewerethoseamongus——bolddaringspirits——whoevenwenttothelengthofmildflirtation。Someofusknewsomeofthem，andinsuchhappycasetherefollowedinterchangeofprettypleasantries。YourEnglishmiddle-classyoungmanandwomanarenotadeptsatthegameofflirtation。Iwillconfessthatourmethodswere，perhaps，elephantine，thatwemayhavegrownatriflenoisyastheeveningworeon。Butwemeantnoevil；wedidbutourbesttoenjoyourselves，togiveenjoyment，tomakethetoobrieftime，passgaily。
Andthenmythoughtstravelledtosmallhomesindistantsuburbs，andthesebrightladsandlassesroundmecametolookolderandmorecareworn。Butwhatofthat？Arenotoldfacessweetwhenlookedatbyoldeyesalittledimmedbylove，andarenotcareandtoilbuttheparentsofpeaceandjoy？
ButasIdrewnearer，Isawthatmanyofthefacesweresearedwithsourandangrylooks，andthevoicesthatroseroundmesoundedsurlyandcaptious。Theprettycomplimentandpraisehadchangedtosneersandscoldings。Thedimpledsmilehadwrinkledtoafrown。
Thereseemedsolittledesiretoplease，sogreatadeterminationnottobepleased。
Andtheflirtations！Ahme，theyhadforgottenhowtoflirt！Oh，thepityofit！Allthejestswerebitter，allthelittleservicesweregivengrudgingly。Theairseemedtohavegrownchilly。A
darknesshadcomeoverallthings。
AndthenIawoketoreality，andfoundIhadbeensittinginmychairlongerthanIhadintended。Theband-standwasempty，thesunhadset；Iroseandmademywayhomethroughthescatteredcrowd。
Natureissocallous。TheDameirritatesoneattimesbyherdevotiontoheroneidea，thepropagationofthespecies。
"Multiplyandbefruitful；letmyworldbeevermoreandmorepeopled。"
Forthisshetrainsandfashionsheryounggirls，modelsthemwithcunninghand，paintsthemwithherwonderfulredandwhite，crownsthemwithherglorioushair，teachesthemtosmileandlaugh，trainstheirvoicesintomusic，sendsthemoutintotheworldtocaptivate，toenslaveus。
"Seehowbeautifulsheis，mylad，"saysthecunningoldwoman。
"Takeher；buildyourlittlenestwithherinyourprettysuburb；
workforherandliveforher；enablehertokeepthelittleonesthatIwillsend。"
Andtoher，oldhundred-breastedArtemiswhispers，"Ishenotabonnylad？Seehowhelovesyou，howdevotedheistoyou！Hewillworkforyouandmakeyouhappy；hewillbuildyourhomeforyou。
Youwillbethemotherofhischildren。"
Sowetakeeachotherbythehand，fullofhopeandlove，andfromthathourMotherNaturehasdonewithus。Letthewrinklescome；
letourvoicesgrowharsh；letthefireshelightedinourheartsdieout；letthefoolishselfishnessweboththoughtwehadputbehindusforevercreepbacktous，bringingunkindnessandindifference，angrythoughtsandcruelwordsintoourlives。Whatcaresshe？Shehascaughtus，andchainedustoherwork。Sheisouruniversalmother-in-law。Shehasdonethematch-making；fortherest，sheleavesittoourselves。Wecanloveorwecanfight；itisallonetoher，confoundher。
Iwondersometimesifgoodtempermightnotbetaught。Inbusinessweusenoharshlanguage，saynounkindthingstooneanother。Theshopkeeper，leaningacrossthecounter，isallsmilesandaffability，hemightputuphisshutterswereheotherwise。Thecommercialgent，nodoubt，thinkstheponderousshopwalkeranass，butrefrainsfromtellinghimso。HastytempersarebanishedfromtheCity。CanwenotseethatitisjustasmuchtoourinteresttobanishthemfromTootingandHampstead？
Theyoungmanwhosatinthechairnexttome，howcarefullyhewrappedthecloakroundtheshouldersofthelittlemillinerbesidehim。Andwhenshesaidshewastiredofsittingstill，howreadilyhesprangfromhischairtowalkwithher，thoughitwasevidenthewasverycomfortablewherehewas。Andshe！Shehadlaughedathisjokes；theywerenotverycleverjokes，theywerenotverynew。Shehadprobablyreadthemherselfmonthsbeforeinherownparticularweeklyjournal。Yettheharmlesshumbugmadehimhappy。Iwonderiftenyearshenceshewilllaughatsucholdhumour，iftenyearshencehewilltakesuchclumsypainstoputhercapeabouther。
Experienceshakesherhead，andisamusedatmyquestion。
Iwouldhaveeveningclassesfortheteachingoftempertomarriedcouples，onlyIfeartheinstitutionwouldlanguishforlackofpupils。Thehusbandswouldrecommendtheirwivestoattend，generouslyofferingtopaythefeeasabirthdaypresent。Thewifewouldbeindignantatthesuggestionofgoodmoneybeingthuswasted。"No，John，dear，"shewouldunselfishlyreply，"youneedthelessonsmorethanIdo。Itwouldbeashameformetotakethemawayfromyou，"andtheywouldwrangleuponthesubjectfortherestoftheday。
Oh！thefollyofit。Wepackourhamperforlife’spicnicwithsuchpains。Wespendsomuch，weworksohard。Wemakechoicepies，wecookprimejoints，wepreparesocarefullythemayonnaise，wemixwithlovinghandsthesalad，wecramthebaskettothelidwitheverydelicacywecanthinkof。Everythingtomakethepicnicasuccessisthereexceptthesalt。Ah！woeisme，weforgetthesalt。Weslaveatourdesks，inourworkshops，tomakeahomeforthosewelove；wegiveupourpleasures，wegiveupourrest。Wetoilinourkitchenfrommorningtillnight，andwerenderthewholefeasttastelessforwantofaha’porthofsalt——forwantofasoupconofamiability，forwantofahandfulofkindlywords，atouchofcaress，apinchofcourtesy。
Whodoesnotknowthatestimablehousewife，workingfromeighttilltwelvetokeepthehouseinwhatshecallsorder？Sheissogoodawoman，sountiring，sounselfish，soconscientious，soirritating。
Herroomsaresoclean，herservantssowellmanaged，herchildrensowelldressed，herdinnerssowellcooked；thewholehousesouninviting。Everythingaboutherisinapple-pieorder，andeverybodywretched。
MygoodMadam，youpolishyourtables，youscouryourkettles，butthemostvaluablepieceoffurnitureinthewholehouseyouarelettingtorackandruinforwantofalittlepains。Youwillfinditinyourownroom，mydearLady，infrontofyourownmirror。Itisgettingshabbyanddingy，old-lookingbeforeitstime；thepolishisrubbedoffit，Madam，itislosingitsbrightnessandcharm。Doyourememberwhenhefirstbroughtithome，howproudhewasofit？
Doyouthinkyouhaveuseditwell，knowinghowhevaluedit？A
littlelesscareofyourpotsandyourpans，Madam，alittlemoreofyourselfwerewiser。Polishyourselfup，Madam；youhadaprettywitonce，apleasantlaugh，aconversationthatwasnotconfinedexclusivelytotheshort-comingsofservants，thewrong-doingsoftradesmen。MydearMadam，wedonotliveonspotlesslinen，andcrumblesscarpets。Huntoutthatbundleofoldlettersyoukeeptiedupinfadedribbonatthebackofyourbureaudrawer——apityyoudon’treadthemoftener。Hedidnotenthuseaboutyourcuffsandcollars，gushovertheneatnessofyourdarning。Itwasyourtangledhairheravedabout，yoursunnysmile（wehavenotseenitforsomeyears，Madam——thefaultoftheCookandtheButcher，I
presume），yourlittlehands，yourrosebudmouth——ithaslostitsshape，Madam，oflate。TryalittlelessscoldingofMaryAnn，andpractisealaughonceaday：youmightgetbackthedaintycurves。
Itwouldbeworthtrying。Itwasaprettymouthonce。
Whoinventedthatmischievousfalsehoodthatthewaytoaman’sheartwasthroughhisstomach？Howmanyasillywoman，takingitfortruth，hasletloveslipoutoftheparlour，whileshewasbusyinthekitchen。Ofcourse，ifyouwerefoolishenoughtomarryapig，Isupposeyoumustbecontenttodevoteyourlifetothepreparationofhog’s-wash。ButareyousurethatheISapig？Ifbyanychancehebenot？——then，Madam，youaremakingagrievousmistake。MydearLady，youaretoomodest。IfImaysaysowithoutmakingyouundulyconceited，evenatthedinner-tableitself，youareofmuchmoreimportancethanthemutton。Courage，Madam，benotafraidtotiltalanceevenwithyourowncook。YoucanbemorepiquantthanthesaucealaTartare，moresoothingsurelythanthemeltedbutter。Therewasatimewhenhewouldnothaveknownwhetherhewaseatingbeeforporkwithyoutheothersideofthetable。Whosefaultisit？Don’tthinksopoorlyofus。Wearenotascetics，neitherareweallgourmets：mostofusplainmen，fondofourdinner，asahealthymanshouldbe，butfonderstillofoursweetheartsandwives，letushope。Tryus。Amoderately-cookeddinner——letusevensayanot-too-well-cookeddinner，withyoulookingyourbest，laughingandtalkinggailyandcleverly——asyoucan，youknow——makesapleasantermealforus，aftertheday’sworkisdone，thanthatsamedinner，cookedtoperfection，withyousilent，jaded，andanxious，yourprettyhairuntidy，yourprettyfacewrinkledwithcareconcerningthesole，withanxietyregardingtheomelette。
MypoorMartha，benottroubledaboutsomanythings。YOUaretheonethingneedful——ifthebricksandmortararetobeahome。SeetoitthatYOUarewellservedup，thatYOUaredonetoperfection，thatYOUaretenderandsatisfying，thatYOUareworthsittingdownto。Wewantedawife，acomrade，afriend；notacookandanurseonthecheap。
Butofwhatuseisittotalk？theworldwilleverfollowitsownfolly。WhenIthinkofallthegoodadvicethatIhavegivenit，andofthesmallresultachieved，IconfessIgrowdiscouraged。I
wasgivinggoodadvicetoaladyonlytheotherday。Iwasinstructingherastothepropertreatmentofaunts。Shewassuckingalead-pencil，athingIamalwaystellinghernottodo。
Shetookitoutofhermouthtospeak。
"Isupposeyouknowhoweverybodyoughttodoeverything，"shesaid。
Therearetimeswhenitisnecessarytosacrificeone’smodestytoone’sduty。
"OfcourseIdo，"Ireplied。
"AnddoesMamaknowhoweverybodyoughttodoeverything？"wasthesecondquestion。
Myconvictiononthispointwasbynomeanssostrong，butfordomesticreasonsIagainsacrificedmyselftoexpediency。
"Certainly，"Ianswered；"andtakethatpenciloutofyourmouth。
I’vetoldyouofthatbefore。You’llswallowitoneday，andthenyou’llgetperichondritisanddie。"
Sheappearedtobesolvingaproblem。
"Allgrown-uppeopleseemtoknoweverything，"shesummarized。
TherearetimeswhenIdoubtifchildrenareassimpleastheylook。
Ifitbesheerstupiditythatpromptsthemtomakeremarksofthischaracter，oneshouldpitythem，andseektoimprovethem。Butifitbenotstupidity？wellthen，oneshouldstillseektoimprovethem，butbyadifferentmethod。
TheothermorningIoverheardthenursetalkingtothisparticularspecimen。Thewomanisamostworthycreature，andshewasimpartingtothechildsomereallysoundadvice。Shewasinthemiddleofanunexceptionalexhortationconcerningthevirtueofsilence，whenDorotheainterruptedherwith——
"Oh，dobequiet，Nurse。Inevergetamoment’speacefromyourchatter。"
Suchaninterruptiondiscouragesawomanwhoistryingtodoherduty。
LastTuesdayeveningshewasunhappy。Myself，IthinkthatrhubarbshouldneverbeeatenbeforeApril，andthenneverwithlemonade。
Hermotherreadherahomilyuponthesubjectofpain。Itwasimpresseduponherthatwemustbepatient，thatwemustputupwiththetroublethatGodsendsus。Dorotheawoulddescendtodetails，aschildrenwill。
"Mustweputupwiththecod-liveroilthatGodsendsus？"
"Yes，decidedly。"
"AndwiththenursesthatGodsendsus？"
"Certainly；andbethankfulthatyou’vegotthem，somelittlegirlshaven’tanynurse。Anddon’ttalksomuch。"
OnFridayIfoundthemotherintears。
"What’sthematter？"Iasked。
"Oh，nothing，"wastheanswer；"onlyBaby。She’ssuchastrangechild。Ican’tmakeheroutatall。"
"Whathasshebeenuptonow？"
"Oh，shewillargue，youknow。"
Shehasthatfailing。Idon’tknowwhereshegetsitfrom，butshe’sgotit。
"Well？"
"Well，shemademecross；and，topunishher，Itoldhersheshouldn’ttakeherdoll’sperambulatoroutwithher。"
"Yes？"
"Well，shedidn’tsayanythingthen，butsosoonasIwasoutsidethedoor，Iheardhertalkingtoherself——youknowherway？"
"Yes？"
"Shesaid——"
"Yes，shesaid？"
"Shesaid，’Imustbepatient。ImustputupwiththemotherGodhassentme。’"
Shelunchesdown-stairsonSundays。Wehaveherwithusonceaweektogivehertheopportunityofstudyingmannersandbehaviour。
Milsonhaddroppedin，andwewerediscussingpolitics。Iwasinterested，and，pushingmyplateaside，leantforwardwithmyelbowsonthetable。Dorotheahasahabitoftalkingtoherselfinahigh-pitchedwhispercapableofbeingheardaboveanAdelphilovescene。Iheardhersay——
"Imustsitupstraight。Imustn’tsprawlwithmyelbowsonthetable。Itisonlycommon，vulgarpeoplebehavethatway。"
Ilookedacrossather；shewassittingmostcorrectly，andappearedtobecontemplatingsomethingathousandmilesaway。Wehadallofusbeenlounging！Wesatupstiffly，andconversationflagged。
Ofcoursewemadeajokeofitafterthechildwasgone。Butsomehowitdidn’tseemtobeOURjoke。
IwishIcouldrecollectmychildhood。Ishouldsoliketoknowifchildrenareassimpleastheycanlook。
ONTHEDELIGHTSANDBENEFITSOFSLAVERY
MystudywindowlooksdownuponHydePark，andoften，toquotethefamiliarpromiseofeachnewmagazine，itamusesandinstructsmetowatchfrommytowertheepitomeofhumanlifethatpassestoandfrobeneath。Attheopeningofthegates，creepsinthewomanofthestreets。Herpitifulworkforthetimebeingisover。Shiveringinthechilldawn，shepassestoherbriefrest。PoorSlave！Luredtothegalley’slowestdeck，thenchainedthere。Civilization，trickedfool，theysayhasneedofsuch。YouserveasthedogsofEasterntowns。Butatleast，itseemstome，weneednotspitonyou。Hometoyourkennel！Perchance，iftheGodsbekind，theymaysendyoudreamsofacleanlyhearth，whereyouliewithasilvercollarroundyourneck。
Nextcomesthelabourer——thehewerofwood，thedrawerofwater——
slouchingwearilytohistoil；sleepclingingstillabouthisleadeneyes，hispittanceoffoodcarriedtiedupinadish-clout。
ThefirststrokeofthehourclangsfromBigBen。Hastethee，fellow-slave，lesttheoverseer’swhip，"Out，wewillhavenolie-a-bedshere，"descenduponthypatientback。
Later，theartisan，withhisbagoftoolsacrosshisshoulder。He，too，listensfearfullytothechimingofthebells。Forhimalsotherehangsreadythewhip。
Afterhim，theshopboyandtheshopgirl，makingloveastheywalk，nottowastetime。Andafterthesetheslavesofthedeskandofthewarehouse，employersandemployed，clerksandtradesmen，officeboysandmerchants。Toyourplaces，slavesofallranks。Getyouuntoyourburdens。
Now，laughingandshoutingastheyrun，thechildren，thesonsanddaughtersoftheslaves。Beindustrious，littlechildren，andlearnyourlessons，thatwhenthetimecomesyoumaybereadytotakefromourhandsthecreakingoar，toslipintoourseatattheroaringloom。Forweshallnotbeslavesforever，littlechildren。Itisthegoodlawoftheland。Somanyyearsinthegalleys，somanyyearsinthefields；thenwecanclaimourfreedom。Thenweshallgo，littlechildren，backtothelandofourbirth。Andyouwemustleavebehindustotakeupthetaleofourwork。So，offtoyourschools，littlechildren，andlearntobegoodlittleslaves。
Next，pompousandsleek，cometheeducatedslaves——journalists，doctors，judges，andpoets；theattorney，theartist，theplayer，thepriest。TheylikewisescurryacrossthePark，lookinganxiouslyfromtimetotimeattheirwatches，lesttheybelatefortheirappointments；thinkingoftheratesandtaxestobeearned，ofthebonnetstobepaidfor，thebillstobemet。Thebestscourged，perhaps，ofall，theseslaves。Thecatreservedforthemhasfiftytailsinplaceofmerelytwoorthree。Work，youhighermiddle-classslave，oryoushallcomedowntothesmokingoftwopennycigars；harderyet，oryoushalldrinkshillingclaret；
harder，oryoushallloseyourcarriageandrideinapennybus；
yourwife’sfrocksshallbeoflastyear’sfashion；yourtrousersshallbagattheknees；fromKensingtonyoushallbebanishedtoKilburn，ifthetaleofyourbricksrunshort。Oh，amany-thongedwhipisyours，mygenteelbrother。
Theslavesoffashionarethenexttopassbeneathmeinreview。
Theyaredressedandcurledwithinfinitepains。Theliveried，pamperedfootmanthese，keptmoreforshowthanuse；buttheirsenselesstasksnonethelesslabourtothem。Heremusttheycomeeveryday，merryorsad。Bythisgravelpathandnoothermusttheywalk；thesephrasesshalltheyusewhentheyspeaktooneanother。
ForanhourtheymustgoslowlyupanddownuponabicyclefromHydeParkCornertotheMagazineandback。Andtheseclothesmusttheywear；theirglovesofthiscolour，theirneck-tiesofthispattern。
Intheafternoontheymustreturnagain，thistimeinacarriage，dressedinanotherlivery，andforanhourtheymustpassslowlytoandfroinfoolishprocession。Fordinnertheymustdonyetanotherlivery，andafterdinnertheymuststandaboutatdrearysocialfunctionstillwithwearinessandboredomtheirheadsfeeldroppingfromtheirshoulders。
Withtheeveningcometheslavesbackfromtheirwork：barristers，thinkingouttheireloquentappeals；school-boys，conningtheirdog-earedgrammars；Citymen，planningtheirschemes；thewearersofmotley，cudgellingtheirpoorbrainsforfreshwitwithwhichtopleasetheirmaster；shopboysandshopgirls，silentnowas，together，theyplodhomeward；theartisan；thelabourer。Twoorthreehoursyoushallhavetoyourselves，slaves，tothinkandloveandplay，ifyoubenottootiredtothink，orlove，orplay。Thentoyourlitter，thatyoumaybereadyforthemorrow’stask。
Thetwilightdeepensintodark；therecomesbackthewomanofthestreets。Astheshadows，sheroundstheCity’sday。Workstrikesitstent。Evilcreepsfromitspeeringplace。
Sowelabour，drivenbythewhipofnecessity，anarmyofslaves。
Ifwedonotourwork，thewhipdescendsuponus；onlythepainwefeelinourstomachinsteadofonourback。Andbecauseofthat，wecallourselvesfreemen。
Somefewamongusbravelystruggletobereallyfree：theyareourtrampsandoutcasts。Wewell-behavedslavesshrinkfromthem，forthewagesoffreedominthisworldareverminandstarvation。Wecanlivelivesworthlivingonlybyplacingthecollarroundourneck。
Therearetimeswhenoneasksoneself：Whythisendlesslabour？Whythisbuildingofhouses，thiscookingoffood，thismakingofclothes？Istheantsomuchmoretobeenviedthanthegrasshopper，becauseshespendsherlifeingrubbingandstoring，andcansparenotimeforsinging？Whythiscomplexinstinct，drivingustoathousandlabourstosatisfyathousanddesires？Wehaveturnedtheworldintoaworkshoptoprovideourselveswithtoys。Topurchaseluxurywehavesoldourease。
Oh，ChildrenofIsrael！whywereyenotcontentinyourwilderness？
Itseemstohavebeenapatternwilderness。Foryou，asimplewholesomefood，readycooked，wasprovided。Youtooknothoughtforrentandtaxes；youhadnopooramongyou——nopoor-ratecollectors。
Yousufferednotfromindigestion，northehundredillsthatfollowover-feeding；anomerforeverymanwasyourportion，neithermorenorless。Youknewnotyouhadaliver。Doctorsweariedyounotwiththeirtheories，theirphysics，andtheirbills。Youwereneitherlandownersnorleaseholders，neithershareholdersnordebentureholders。Theweatherandthemarketreportstroubledyounot。Thelawyerwasunknowntoyou；youwantednoadvice；youhadnoughttoquarrelaboutwithyourneighbour。Noricheswereyoursforthemothandrusttodamage。Youryearlyincomeandexpenditureyouknewwouldbalancetoafraction。Yourwifeandchildrenwereprovidedfor。Youroldagecausedyounoanxiety；youknewyouwouldalwayshaveenoughtoliveuponincomfort。Yourfuneral，asimpleandtastefulaffair，wouldbefurnishedbythetribe。Andyet，poor，foolishchild，freshfromtheEgyptianbrickfield，youcouldnotrestsatisfied。Youhungeredforthefleshpots，knowingwellwhatflesh-potsentail：thecleaningoftheflesh-pots，theforgingoftheflesh-pots，thehewingofwoodtomakethefiresfortheboilingoftheflesh-pots，thebreedingofbeaststofillthepots，thegrowingoffoddertofeedthebeaststofillthepots。
Allthelabourofourlifeiscentredroundourflesh-pots。Onthealtaroftheflesh-potwesacrificeourleisure，ourpeaceofmind。
Foramessofpottagewesellourbirthright。
Oh！ChildrenofIsrael，sawyounotthelongpunishmentyouwerepreparingforyourselves，wheninyourwildernessyousetuptheimageoftheCalf，andfellbeforeit，crying——"ThisshallbeourGod。"
Youwouldhaveveal。ThoughtyouneverofthepricemanpaysforVeal？TheservantsoftheGoldenCalf！Iseethem，stretchedbeforemyeyes，aweary，endlessthrong。Iseethemtoilinginthemines，theblacksweatontheirfaces。Iseetheminsunlesscities，silent，andgrimy，andbent。Iseethem，ague-twisted，intherain-soakedfields。Iseethem，pantingbythefurnacedoors。
Iseethem，inloin-clothandnecklace，theloadupontheirhead。I
seetheminbluecoatsandredcoats，marchingtopourtheirbloodasanofferingonthealtaroftheCalf。Iseetheminhomespunandbroadcloth，Iseetheminsmockandgaiters，Iseethemincapandapron，theservantsoftheCalf。Theyswarmonthelandandtheydotthesea。Theyarechainedtotheanvilandcounter；theyarechainedtothebenchandthedesk。Theymakereadythesoil，theytillthefieldswheretheGoldenCalfisborn。Theybuildtheship，andtheysailtheshipthatcarriestheGoldenCalf。Theyfashionthepots，theymouldthepans，theycarvethetables，theyturnthechairs，theydreamofthesauces，theydigforthesalt，theyweavethedamask，theymouldthedishtoservetheGoldenCalf。
Theworkoftheworldistothisend，thatweeatoftheCalf。WarandCommerce，ScienceandLaw！whataretheybutthefourpillarssupportingtheGoldenCalf？HeisourGod。Itisonhisbackthatwehavejourneyedfromtheprimevalforest，whereourancestorsatenutsandfruit。HeisourGod。Histempleisineverystreet。Hisblue-robedprieststandseveratthedoor，callingtothepeopletoworship。Hark！hisvoicerisesonthegas-taintedair——"Now’syourtime！Now’syourtime！Buy！Buy！yepeople。Bringhitherthesweatofyourbrow，thesweatofyourbrain，theacheofyourheart，buyVealwithit。Bringmethebestyearsofyourlife。Bringmeyourthoughts，yourhopes，yourloves；yeshallhaveVealforthem。
Now’syourtime！Now’syourtime！Buy！Buy！"
Oh！ChildrenofIsrael，wasVeal，evenwithallitstrimmings，quiteworththeprice？
Andwe！whatwisdomhavewelearned，duringthecenturies？Italkedwitharichmanonlytheotherevening。HecallshimselfaFinancier，whateverthatmaymean。Heleaveshisbeautifulhouse，sometwentymilesoutofLondon，ataquartertoeight，summerandwinter，afterahurriedbreakfastbyhimself，whilehisguestsstillsleep，andhegetsbackjustintimetodressforanelaboratedinnerhehimselfistoowearyortoopreoccupiedtomorethantouch。IfeverheispersuadedtogivehimselfaholidayitisforafortnightinOstend，whenitismostcrowdedanduncomfortable。
Hetakeshissecretarywithhim，receivesanddespatchesahundredtelegramsaday，andhasaprivatetelephone，throughwhichhecanspeakdirecttoLondon，broughtupintohisbedroom。
Isupposethetelephoneisreallyausefulinvention。Businessmentellmetheywonderhowtheycontrivedtoconducttheiraffairswithoutit。Myownwonderalwaysis，howanyhumanbeingwiththeordinarypassionsofhisracecanconducthisbusiness，orevenhimself，creditably，withinahundredyardsoftheinvention。IcanimagineJob，orGriselda，orSocrateslikingtohaveatelephoneaboutthemasexercise。Socrates，inparticular，wouldhavemadequiteareputationforhimselfoutofathreemonths’subscriptiontoatelephone。Myself，Iam，perhaps，toosensitive。Ioncelivedforamonthinanofficewithatelephone，ifonecouldcallitlife。IwastoldthatifIhadstucktothethingfortwoorthreemonthslonger，Ishouldhavegotusedtoit。Iknowfriendsofmine，menoncefearlessandhigh-spirited，whonowstandinfrontoftheirowntelephoneforaquarterofanhouratatime，andneversomuchasansweritback。TheytellmethatatfirsttheyusedtoswearandshoutatitasIdid；butnowtheirspiritseemscrushed。
Thatiswhathappens：youeitherbreakthetelephone，orthetelephonebreaksyou。Youwanttoseeamantwostreetsoff。Youmightputonyourhat，andberoundathisofficeinfiveminutes。
Youareonthepointofstartingwhenthetelephonecatchesyoureye。Youthinkyouwillringhimuptomakesureheisin。Youcommencebyringingupsomehalf-dozentimesbeforeanybodytakesanynoticeofyouwhatever。Youareburningwithindignationatthisneglect，andhavelefttheinstrumenttositdownandpenastingingletterofcomplainttotheCompanywhenthering-backre-callsyou。Youseizetheeartrumpets，andshout——
"HowisitthatIcannevergetananswerwhenIring？HerehaveI
beenringingforthelasthalf-hour。Ihaverungtwentytimes。"
（Thisisafalsehood。Youhaverungonlysixtimes，andthe"half-hour"isanabsurdexaggeration；butyoufeelthemeretruthwouldnotbeadequatetotheoccasion。）"Ithinkitdisgraceful，"
youcontinue，"andIshallcomplaintotheCompany。WhatistheuseofmyhavingatelephoneifIcan’tgetanyanswerwhenIring？
HereIpayalargesumforhavingthisthing，andIcan’tgetanynoticetaken。I’vebeenringingallthemorning。Whyisit？"
Thenyouwaitfortheanswer。
"What——whatdoyousay？Ican’thearwhatyousay。"
"IsayI’vebeenringinghereforoveranhour，andIcan’tgetanyreply，"youcallback。"IshallcomplaintotheCompany。"
"Youwantwhat？Don’tstandsonearthetube。Ican’thearwhatyousay。Whatnumber？"
"Botherthenumber；IsaywhyisitIdon’tgetananswerwhenI
ring？"
"Eighthundredandwhat？"
Youcan’targueanymore，afterthat。Themachinewouldgivewayunderthelanguageyouwanttomakeuseof。Halfofwhatyoufeelwouldprobablycauseanexplosionatsomepointwherethewirewasweak。Indeed，merelanguageofanykindwouldfallshortoftherequirementsofthecase。Ahatchetandagunaretheonlyintermediariesthroughwhichyoucouldconveyyourmeaningbythistime。Soyougiveupallattempttoanswerback，andmeeklymentionthatyouwanttobeputincommunicationwithfour-five-seven-six。
"Four-nine-seven-six？"saysthegirl。
"No；four-five-seven-six。"
"Didyousayseven-sixorsix-seven？"
"Six-seven——no！Imeanseven-six：no——waitaminute。Idon’tknowwhatIdomeannow。"
"Well，Iwishyou’dfindout，"saystheyoungladyseverely。"Youarekeepingmehereallthemorning。"
Soyoulookupthenumberinthebookagain，andatlastshetellsyouthatyouareinconnection；andthen，rammingthetrumpettightagainstyourear，youstandwaiting。
Andifthereisonethingmorethananotherlikelytomakeamanfeelridiculousitisstandingontip-toeinacorner，holdingamachinetohishead，andlisteningintentlytonothing。Yourbackachesandyourheadaches，yourveryhairaches。Youhearthedooropenbehindyouandsomebodyentertheroom。Youcan’tturnyourhead。Youswearatthem，andhearthedoorclosewithabang。ItimmediatelyoccurstoyouthatinallprobabilityitwasHenrietta。
Shepromisedtocallforyouathalf-pasttwelve：youweretotakehertolunch。Itwastwelveo’clockwhenyouwerefoolenoughtomixyourselfupwiththisinfernalmachine，anditprobablyishalf-pasttwelvebynow。Yourpastliferisesbeforeyou，accompaniedbydimmemoriesofyourgrandmother。Youarewonderinghowmuchlongeryoucanbearthestrainofthisattitude，andwhetherafterallyoudoreallywanttoseethemaninthenextstreetbuttwo，whenthegirlintheexchange-roomcallsuptoknowifyou’redone。
"Done！"youretortbitterly；"why，Ihaven’tbegunyet。"
"Well，bequick，"shesays，"becauseyou’rewastingtime。"
Thusadmonished，youattackthethingagain。"AREyouthere？"youcryintonesthatoughttomovetheheartofaCharityCommissioner；
andthen，ohjoy！ohrapture！youhearafainthumanvoicereplying——
"Yes，whatisit？"
"Oh！Areyoufour-five-seven-six？"
"What？"
"Areyoufour-five-seven-six，Williamson？"
"What！whoareyou？"
"Eight-one-nine，Jones。"
"Bones？"
"No，JONES。Areyoufour-five-seven-six？"
"Yes；whatisit？"
"IsMr。Williamsonin？"
"WillIwhat——whoareyou？"
"Jones！IsMr。Williamsonin？"
"Who？"
"Williamson。Will-i-am-son！"
"You’rethesonofwhat？Ican’thearwhatyousay。"
Thenyougatheryourselfforonefinaleffort，andsucceed，bysuperhumanpatience，ingettingthefooltounderstandthatyouwishtoknowifMr。Williamsonisin，andhesays，soitsoundstoyou，"Beinallthemorning。"
Soyousnatchupyourhatandrunround。
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