I

WHATICONSIDERTOHAVEBEENTHEBEGINNINGOFMYYOUTH

IhavesaidthatmyfriendshipwithDimitriopenedupformeanewviewofmylifeandofitsaimandrelations。Theessenceofthatviewlayintheconvictionthatthedestinyofmanistostriveformoralimprovement，andthatsuchimprovementisatonceeasy，possible，andlasting。Hitherto，however，IhadfoundpleasureonlyinthenewideaswhichIdiscoveredtoarisefromthatconviction，andintheformingofbrilliantplansforamoral，activefuture，whileallthetimemylifehadbeencontinuingalongitsoldpetty，muddled，pleasure-seekingcourse，andthesamevirtuousthoughtswhichIandmyadoredfriendDimitri（"myownmarvellousMitia，"asIusedtocallhimtomyselfinawhisper）hadbeenwonttoexchangewithoneanotherstillpleasedmyintellect，butleftmysensibilityuntouched。

NeverthelesstherecameamomentwhenthosethoughtssweptintomyheadwithasuddenfreshnessandforceofmoralrevelationwhichleftmeaghastattheamountoftimewhichIhadbeenwasting，andmademefeelasthoughImustatonce——thatverysecond——applythosethoughtstolife，withthefirmintentionofneveragainchangingthem。

ItisfromthatmomentthatIdatethebeginningofmyyouth。

Iwasthennearlysixteen。Tutorsstillattendedtogivemelessons，St。Jeromestillactedasgeneralsupervisorofmyeducation，and，willy-nilly，IwasbeingpreparedfortheUniversity。Inadditiontomystudies，myoccupationsincludedcertainvaguedreamingsandponderings，anumberofgymnasticexercisestomakemyselfthefinestathleteintheworld，agooddealofaimless，thoughtlesswanderingthroughtheroomsofthehouse（butmoreespeciallyalongthemaidservants’corridor），andmuchlookingatmyselfinthemirror。Fromthelatter，however，I

alwaysturnedawaywithavaguefeelingofdepression，almostofrepulsion。NotonlydidIfeelsurethatmyexteriorwasugly，butIcouldderivenocomfortfromanyoftheusualconsolationsundersuchcircumstances。Icouldnotsay，forinstance，thatI

hadatleastanexpressive，clever，orrefinedface，fortherewasnothingwhateverexpressiveaboutit。Itsfeatureswereofthemosthumdrum，dull，andunbecomingtype，withsmallgreyeyeswhichseemedtome，wheneverIregardedtheminthemirror，tobestupidratherthanclever。OfmanlybearingIpossessedevenless，since，althoughIwasnotexactlysmallofstature，andhad，moreover，plentyofstrengthformyyears，everyfeatureinmyfacewasofthemeek，sleepy-looking，indefinitetype。Evenrefinementwaslackinginit，since，onthecontrary，itpreciselyresembledthatofasimple-lookingmoujik，whileIalsohadthesamebighandsandfeetashe。Atthetime，allthisseemedtomeveryshameful。

II

SPRINGTIME

EasteroftheyearwhenIenteredtheUniversityfelllateinApril，sothattheexaminationswerefixedforSt。Thomas’sWeek，[Easterweek。]andIhadtospendGoodFridayinfastingandfinallygettingmyselfreadyfortheordeal。

Followinguponwetsnow（thekindofstuffwhichKarlIvanitchusedtodescribeas"achildfollowing，itsfather"），theweatherhadforthreedaysbeenbrightandmildandstill。Notaclotofsnowwasnowtobeseeninthestreets，andthedirtyslushhadgivenplacetowet，shiningpavementsandcoursingrivulets。Thelasticiclesontheroofswerefastmeltinginthesunshine，budswereswellingonthetreesinthelittlegarden，thepathleadingacrossthecourtyardtothestableswassoftinsteadofbeingafrozenridgeofmud，andmossygrasswasshowinggreenbetweenthestonesaroundtheentrance-steps。Itwasjustthatparticulartimeinspringwhentheseasonexercisesthestrongestinfluenceuponthehumansoul——whenclearsunlightilluminateseverything，yetshedsnowarmth，whenrivuletsruntricklingunderone’sfeet，whentheairischargedwithanodorousfreshness，andwhenthebrightblueskyisstreakedwithlong，transparentclouds。

Forsomereasonoranothertheinfluenceofthisearlystageinthebirthofspringalwaysseemstomemoreperceptibleandmoreimpressiveinagreattownthaninthecountry。Oneseesless，butonefeelsmore。Iwasstandingnearthewindow——throughthedoubleframesofwhichthemorningsunwasthrowingitsmote-

fleckedbeamsuponthefloorofwhatseemedtomemyintolerablywearisomeschoolroom——andworkingoutalongalgebraicalequationontheblackboard。InonehandIwasholdingaragged，long-

suffering"Algebra"andintheotherasmallpieceofchalkwhichhadalreadybesmearedmyhands，myface，andtheelbowsofmyjacket。Nicola，cladinanapron，andwithhissleevesrolledup，waspickingouttheputtyfromthewindow-frameswithapairofnippers，andunfasteningthescrews。Thewindowlookedoutuponthelittlegarden。Atlengthhisoccupationandthenoisewhichhewasmakingoveritarrestedmyattention。AtthemomentIwasinaverycross，dissatisfiedframeofmind，fornothingseemedtobegoingrightwithme。Ihadmadeamistakeattheverybeginningofmyalgebra，andsoshouldhavetoworkitoutagain；twiceIhadletthechalkdrop。Iwasconsciousthatmyhandsandfacewerewhitenedallover；thespongehadrolledawayintoacorner；andthenoiseofNicola’soperationswasfastgettingonmynerves。IhadafeelingasthoughIwantedtoflyintoatemperandgrumbleatsomeone，soIthrewdownchalkand"Algebra"alike，andbegantopacetheroom。ThensuddenlyI

rememberedthatto-dayweweretogotoconfession，andthatthereforeImustrefrainfromdoinganythingwrong。Next，withequalsuddennessIrelapsedintoanextraordinarilygoodhumouredframeofmind，andwalkedacrosstoNicola。

"Letmehelpyou，Nicola，"Isaid，tryingtospeakaspleasantlyasIpossiblycould。TheideathatIwasperformingameritoriousactioninthussuppressingmyill-temperandofferingtohelphimincreasedmygood-humourallthemore。

Bythistimetheputtyhadbeenchippedout，andthescrewsremoved，yet，thoughNicolapulledwithmightandmainatthecross-piece，thewindow-framerefusedtobudge。

"IfitcomesoutassoonasheandIbegintopullatittogether，"Ithought，"itwillberatherashame，asthenIshallhavenothingmoreofthekindtodoto-day。"

Suddenlytheframeyieldedalittleatoneside，andcameout。

"WhereshallIputit？"Isaid。

"LetMEseetoit，ifyouplease，"repliedNicola，evidentlysurprisedaswellas，seemingly，notover-pleasedatmyzeal。

"Wemustnotleaveithere，butcarryitawaytothelumber-room，whereIkeepalltheframesstoredandnumbered。"

"Oh，butIcanmanageit，"IsaidasIlifteditup。Iverilybelievethatifthelumber-roomhadbeenacoupleofverstsaway，andtheframetwiceasheavyasitwas，Ishouldhavebeenthemorepleased。IfeltasthoughIwantedtotiremyselfoutinperformingthisserviceforNicola。WhenIreturnedtotheroomthebricksandscrewshadbeenreplacedonthewindowsill，andNicolawassweepingthedebris，aswellasafewtorpidflies，outoftheopenwindow。Thefresh，fragrantairwasrushingintoandfillingalltheroom，whilewithitcamealsothedullmurmurofthecityandthetwitteringofsparrowsinthegarden。

Everythingwasinbrilliantlight，theroomlookedcheerful，andagentlespringbreezewasstirringNicola’shairandtheleavesofmy"Algebra。"Approachingthewindow，Isatdownuponthesill，turnedmyeyesdownwardstowardsthegarden，andfellintoabrownstudy。

Somethingnewtome，somethingextraordinarilypotentandunfamiliar，hadsuddenlyinvadedmysoul。Thewetgroundonwhich，hereandthere，afewyellowishstalksandbladesofbright-greengrassweretobeseen；thelittlerivuletsglitteringinthesunshine，andsweepingclodsofearthandtinychipsofwoodalongwiththem；thereddishtwigsofthelilac，withtheirswellingbuds，whichnoddedjustbeneaththewindow；

thefussytwitteringsofbirdsastheyflutteredinthebushbelow；theblackenedfenceshiningwetfromthesnowwhichhadlatelymeltedoffit；and，mostofall，theraw，odorousairandradiantsunlight——allspoketome，clearlyandunmistakably，ofsomethingnewandbeautiful，ofsomethingwhich，thoughIcannotrepeatithereasitwasthenexpressedtome，IwilltrytoreproducesofarasIunderstoodit。Everythingspoketomeofbeauty，happiness，andvirtue——asthreethingswhichwerebotheasyandpossibleforme——andsaidthatnooneofthemcouldexistwithouttheothertwo，sincebeauty，happiness，andvirtuewereone。"HowdidInevercometounderstandthatbefore？"I

criedtomyself。"HowdidIevermanagetobesowicked？Oh，buthowgood，howhappy，Icouldbe——nay，IWILLbe——inthefuture！

Atonce，atonce——yes，thisveryminute——Iwillbecomeanotherbeing，andbegintolivedifferently！"Forallthat，Icontinuedsittingonthewindow-sill，continuedmerelydreaming，anddoingnothing。Haveyouever，onasummer’sday，gonetobedindull，rainyweather，and，wakingjustatsunset，openedyoureyesandseenthroughthesquarespaceofthewindow——thespacewherethelinenblindisblowingupanddown，andbeatingitsroduponthewindow-sill——therain-soaked，shadowy，purplevistaofanavenueoflime-trees，withadampgardenpathlitupbytheclear，slantingbeamsofthesun，andthensuddenlyheardthejoyoussoundsofbirdlifeinthegarden，andseeninsectsflyingtoandfroattheopenwindow，andglitteringinthesunlight，andsmeltthefragranceoftherain-washedair，andthoughttoyourself，"AmInotashamedtobelyinginbedonsuchaneveningasthis？"

and，leapingjoyouslytoyourfeet，goneoutintothegardenandrevelledinallthatwelteroflife？Ifyouhave，thenyoucanimagineforyourselftheoverpoweringsensationwhichwasthenpossessingme。

III

DREAMS

"To-dayIwillmakemyconfessionandpurgemyselfofeverysin，"

Ithoughttomyself。"NorwillIevercommitanotherone。"AtthispointIrecalledallthepeccadilloeswhichmosttroubledmyconscience。"IwillgotochurchregularlyeverySunday，aswellasreadtheGospelatthecloseofeveryhourthroughouttheday。

Whatismore，Iwillsetaside，outofthechequewhichIshallreceiveeachmonthafterIhavegonetotheUniversity，two-and-

a-halfroubles"（atenthofmymonthlyallowance）"forpeoplewhoarepoorbutnotexactlybeggars，yetwithoutlettinganyoneknowanythingaboutit。Yes，Iwillbegintolookoutforpeoplelikethat——orphansoroldwomen——atonce，yetnevertellasoulwhatIamdoingforthem。

"Also，Iwillhavearoomhereofmyveryown（St。Jerome’s，probably），andlookafteritmyself，andkeepitperfectlyclean。

Iwillneverletanyonedoanythingforme，foreveryoneisjustahumanbeinglikemyself。LikewiseIwillwalkeveryday，notdrive，totheUniversity。Evenifsomeonegivesmeadrozhki[Russianphaeton。]Iwillsellit，anddevotethemoneytothepoor。EverythingIwilldoexactlyandalways"（whatthat"always"meantIcouldnotpossiblyhavesaid，butatleastIhadavividconsciousnessofitsconnotingsomekindofprudent，moral，andirreproachablelife）。"Iwillgetupallmylecturesthoroughly，andgooverallthesubjectsbeforehand，sothatattheendofmyfirstcourseImaycomeouttopandwriteathesis。

DuringmysecondcoursealsoIwillgetupeverythingbeforehand，sothatImaysoonbetransferredtothethirdcourse，andateighteencomeouttopintheexaminations，andreceivetwogoldmedals，andgoontobeMasterofArts，andDoctor，andthefirstscholarinEurope。Yes，inallEuropeImeantobethefirstscholar。——Well，whatnext？"Iaskedmyselfatthispoint。

Suddenlyitstruckmethatdreamsofthissortwereaformofpride——asinwhichIshouldhavetoconfesstothepriestthatveryevening，soIreturnedtotheoriginalthreadofmymeditations。"WhengettingupmylecturesIwillgototheVorobieviGori，[SparrowHills——apublicparknearMoscow。]andchoosesomespotunderatree，andreadmylecturesoverthere。

SometimesIwilltakewithmesomethingtoeat——cheeseorapiefromPedotti’s，orsomethingofthekind。AfterthatIwillsleepalittle，andthenreadsomegoodbookorother，orelsedrawpicturesorplayonsomeinstrument（certainlyImustlearntoplaytheflute）。PerhapsSHEtoowillbewalkingontheVorobieviGori，andwillapproachmeonedayandsay，’Whoareyou？’andI

shalllookather，oh，sosadly，andsaythatIamthesonofapriest，andthatIamhappyonlywhenIamtherealone，quitealone。Thenshewillgivemeherhand，andsaysomethingtome，andsitdownbesideme。Soeverydayweshallgotothesamespot，andbefriendstogether，andIshallkissher。Butno！Thatwouldnotberight！Onthecontrary，fromthisdayforwardI

nevermeantolookatawomanagain。Never，neveragaindoImeantowalkwithagirl，noreventogonearoneifIcanhelpit。

Yet，ofcourse，inthreeyears’time，whenIhavecomeofage，I

shallmarry。Also，ImeantotakeasmuchexerciseaseverIcan，andtodogymnasticseveryday，sothat，whenIhaveturnedtwenty-five，IshallbestrongereventhanRappo。Onmyfirstday’strainingImeantoholdouthalfapood[ThePood=40

Russianpounds。]atarm’slengthforfiveminutes，andthenextdaytwenty-onepounds，andthethirddaytwenty-twopounds，andsoon，untilatlastIcanholdoutfourpoodsineachhand，andbestrongereventhanaporter。Then，ifeveranyoneshouldtrytoinsultmeorshouldbegintospeakdisrespectfullyofHER，I

shalltakehimso，bythefrontofhiscoat，andlifthimupanarshin[Thearshin=2feet3inches。]ortwowithonehand，andjustholdhimthere，sothathemayfeelmystrengthandceasefromhisconduct。Yetthattoowouldnotberight。No，no，itwouldnotmatter；Ishouldnothurthim，merelyshowhimthatI——"

Letnooneblamemebecausethedreamsofmyyouthwereasfoolishasthoseofmychildhoodandboyhood。Iamsurethat，evenifitbemyfatetolivetoextremeoldageandtocontinuemystorywiththeyears，I，anoldmanofseventy，shallbefounddreamingdreamsjustasimpossibleandchildishasthoseIamdreamingnow。IshallbedreamingofsomelovelyMariawholovesme，thetoothlessoldman，asshemightloveaMazeppa；ofsomeimbecilesonwho，throughsomeextraordinarychance，hassuddenlybecomeaministerofstate；ofmysuddenlyreceivingawindfallofamillionofroubles。Iamsurethatthereexistsnohumanbeing，nohumanage，towhomortowhichthatgracious，consolatorypowerofdreamingistotallyastranger。Yet，savefortheonegeneralfeatureofmagicandimpossibility，thedreamsofeachhumanbeing，ofeachageofman，havetheirowndistinguishingcharacteristics。AttheperioduponwhichIlookashavingmarkedthecloseofmyboyhoodandthebeginningofmyyouth，fourleadingsentimentsformedthebasisofmydreams。ThefirstofthosesentimentswasloveforHER——foranimaginarywomanwhomIalwayspicturedthesameinmydreams，andwhomI

somehowexpectedtomeetsomedayandsomewhere。ThissheofminehadalittleofSonetchkainher，alittleofMashaasMashacouldlookwhenshestoodwashinglinenovertheclothes-tub，andalittleofacertainwomanwithpearlsroundherfairwhiteneckwhomIhadonceseenlong，longagoatatheatre，inaboxbelowourown。Mysecondsentimentwasacravingforlove。Iwantedeveryonetoknowmeandtoloveme。Iwantedtobeabletouttermyname——NicolaIrtenieff——andatoncetoseeeveryonethunderstruckatit，andcomecrowdingroundmeandthankingmeforsomethingoranother，Ihardlyknewwhat。Mythirdsentimentwastheexpectationofsomeextraordinary，glorioushappinessthatwasimpending——somehappinesssostrongandassuredastovergeuponecstasy。Indeed，sofirmlypersuadedwasIthatvery，verysoonsomeunexpectedchancewouldsuddenlymakemetherichestandmostfamousmanintheworldthatIlivedinconstant，tremulousexpectationofthismagicgoodfortunebefallingme。Iwasalwaysthinkingtomyselfthat"ITisbeginning，"andthatIshouldgoonthereaftertoattaineverythingthatamancouldwishfor。Consequently，Iwasforeverhurryingfromplacetoplace，inthebeliefthat"IT"mustbe"beginning"justwhereIhappenednottobe。Lastly，myfourthandprincipalsentimentofallwasabhorrenceofmyself，mingledwithregret——yetaregretsoblendedwiththecertainexpectationofhappinesstowhichIhavereferredthatithadinitnothingofsorrow。Itseemedtomethatitwouldbesoeasyandnaturalformetotearmyselfawayfrommypastandtoremakeit——toforgetallthathadbeen，andtobeginmylife，withallitsrelations，anew——thatthepastnevertroubledme，neverclungtomeatall。Ievenfoundacertainpleasureindetestingthepast，andinseeingitinadarkerlightthanthetrueone。ThisnoteofregretandofacuriouslongingforperfectionwerethechiefmentalimpressionswhichIgatheredfromthatnewstageofmygrowth——impressionswhichimpartednewprinciplestomyviewofmyself，ofmen，andofGod’sworld。Ogoodandconsolingvoice，whichinlaterdays，insorrowfuldayswhenmysoulyieldedsilentlytotheswayoflife’sfalsenessanddepravity，sooftenraisedasudden，boldprotestagainstalliniquity，aswellasmercilesslyexposedthepast，commanded，nay，compelled，metoloveonlythepurevistaofthepresent，andpromisedmeallthatwasfairandhappyinthefuture！Ogoodandconsolingvoice！

Surelythedaywillnevercomewhenyouaresilent？

IV

OURFAMILYCIRCLE

PAPAwasseldomathomethatspring。Yet，wheneverhewasso，heseemedextraordinarilycheerfulasheeitherstrummedhisfavouritepiecesonthepianoorlookedroguishlyatusandmadejokesaboutusall，notexcludingevenMimi。Forinstance，hewouldsaythattheTsarevitchhimselfhadseenMimiattherink，andfallensomuchinlovewithherthathehadpresentedapetitiontotheSynodfordivorce；orelsethatIhadbeengrantedanappointmentassecretarytotheAustrianambassador——

apieceofnewswhichheimpartedtouswithaperfectlygraveface。Next，hewouldfrightenKatenkawithsomespiders（ofwhichshewasverymuchafraid），engageinananimatedconversationwithourfriendsDubkoffandNechludoff，andtellusandourguests，overandoveragain，hisplansfortheyear。Althoughtheseplanschangedalmostfromdaytoday，andwereforevercontradictingoneanother，theyseemedsoattractivethatwewerealwaysgladtolistentothem，andLubotshka，inparticular，wouldgluehereyestohisface，soasnottoloseasingleword。OnedayhisplanwouldbethatheshouldleavemybrotherandmyselfattheUniversity，andgoandlivewithLubotshkainItalyfortwoyears。Next，theplanwouldbethatheshouldbuyanestateonthesouthcoastoftheCrimea，andtakeusforanannualvisitthere；next，thatweshouldmigrateenmassetoSt。Petersburg；andsoforth。Yet，inadditiontothisunusualcheerfulnessofhis，anotherchangehadcomeoverhimoflate——achangewhichgreatlysurprisedme。Thiswasthathehadhadsomefashionableclothesmade——anolive-

colouredfrockcoat，smarttrouserswithstrapsatthesides，andalongwaddedgreatcoatwhichfittedhimtoperfection。Often，too，therewasadelightfulsmellofscentabouthimwhenhecamehomefromaparty——moreespeciallywhenhehadbeentoseealadyofwhomMimineverspokebutwithasighandafacethatseemedtosay："Poororphans！Howdreadful！ItisagoodthingthatSHE

isgonenow！"andsoon，andsoon。FromNicola（forPapaneverspoketousofhisgambling）Ihadlearntthathe（Papa）hadbeenveryfortunateinplaythatwinter，andsohadwonanextraordinaryamountofmoney，allofwhichhehadplacedinthebankaftervowingthathewouldplaynomorethatspring。

Evidently，itwashisfearofbeingunabletoresistagaindoingsothatwasrenderinghimanxioustoleaveforthecountryassoonaspossible。Indeed，heendedbydecidingnottowaituntilIhadenteredtheUniversity，buttotakethegirlstoPetrovskoeimmediatelyafterEaster，andtoleaveWolodaandmyselftofollowthematalaterseason。

Allthatwinter，untiltheopeningofspring，WolodahadbeeninseparablefromDubkoff，whileatthesametimethepairofthemhadcooledgreatlytowardsDimitri。Theirchiefamusements（soI

gatheredfromconversationsoverheard）werecontinualdrinkingofchampagne，sledge-drivingpastthewindowsofaladywithwhombothofthemappearedtobeinlove，anddancingwithher——notatchildren’sparties，either，butatrealballs！Itwasthislastfactwhich，despiteourloveforoneanother，placedavastgulfbetweenWolodaandmyself。Wefeltthatthedistancebetweenaboystilltakinglessonsunderatutorandamanwhodancedatreal，grown-upballswastoogreattoallowoftheirexchangingmutualideas。Katenka，too，seemedgrown-upnow，andreadinnumerablenovels；sothattheideathatshewouldsomedaybegettingmarriednolongerseemedtomeajoke。Yet，thoughsheandWolodawerethusgrown-up，theynevermadefriendswithoneanother，but，onthecontrary，seemedtocherishamutualcontempt。Ingeneral，whenKatenkawasathomealone，nothingbutnovelsamusedher，andtheybutslightly；butassoonaseveravisitoroftheoppositesexcalled，sheatoncegrewlivelyandamiable，andusedhereyesforsayingthingswhichIcouldnotthenunderstand。Itwasonlylater，whensheonedayinformedmeinconversationthattheonlythingagirlwasallowedtoindulgeinwascoquetry——coquetryoftheeyes，Imean——thatIunderstoodthosestrangecontortionsofherfeatureswhichtoeveryoneelsehadseemedamatterfornosurpriseatall。Lubotshkaalsohadbeguntowearwhatwasalmostalongdress——adresswhichalmostconcealedhergoose-shapedfeet；yetshestillremainedasreadyaweeperasever。Shedreamednowofmarrying，notahussar，butasingeroraninstrumentalist，andaccordinglyappliedherselftohermusicwithgreaterdiligencethanever。St。Jerome，whoknewthathewasgoingtoremainwithusonlyuntilmyexaminationswereover，andsohadobtainedforhimselfanewpostinthefamilyofsomecountoranother，nowlookedwithcontemptuponthemembersofourhousehold。Hestayedindoorsverylittle，tooktosmokingcigarettes（thenalltherage），andwasforeverwhistlinglivelytunesontheedgeofacard。Mimidailygrewmoreandmoredespondent，asthough，nowthatwewerebeginningtogrowup，shelookedfornothinggoodfromanyoneoranything。

When，onthedayofwhichIamspeaking，IwentintoluncheonI

foundonlyMimi，Katenka，Lubotshka，andSt。Jeromeinthedining-room。Papawasaway，andWolodainhisownroom，doingsomepreparationworkforhisexaminationsincompanywithapartyofhiscomrades：whereforehehadrequestedthatlunchshouldbesenttohimthere。Oflate，Mimihadusuallytakentheheadofthetable，andasnoneofushadanyrespectforher，luncheonhadlostmostofitsrefinementandcharm。Thatistosay，themealwasnolongerwhatithadbeeninMamma’sorourgrandmother’stime，namely，akindofritewhichbroughtallthefamilytogetheratagivenhouranddividedthedayintotwohalves。Weallowedourselvestocomeinaslateasthesecondcourse，todrinkwineintumblers（St。Jeromehimselfsetustheexample），torollaboutonourchairs，todepartwithoutsayinggrace，andsoon。Infact，luncheonhadceasedtobeafamilyceremony。IntheolddaysatPetrovskoe，everyonehadbeenusedtowashanddressforthemeal，andthentorepairtothedrawing-roomastheappointedhour（twoo’clock）drewnear，andpassthetimeofwaitinginlivelyconversation。Justastheclockintheservants’hallwasbeginningtowhirrbeforestrikingthehour，Fokawouldenterwithnoiselessfootsteps，and，throwinghisnapkinoverhisarmandassumingadignified，rathersevereexpression，wouldsayinloud，measuredtones："Luncheonisready！"Thereupon，withpleased，cheerfulfaces，wewouldformaprocession——theeldersgoingfirstandthejuniorsfollowing，and，withmuchrustlingofstarchedpetticoatsandsubduedcreakingofbootsandshoes——wouldproceedtothedining-room，where，stilltalkinginundertones，thecompanywouldseatthemselvesintheiraccustomedplaces。Or，again，atMoscow，wewouldallofusbestandingbeforethetableready-laidinthehall，talkingquietlyamongourselvesaswewaitedforourgrandmother，whomthebutler，Gabriel，hadgonetoacquaintwiththefactthatluncheonwasready。Suddenlythedoorwouldopen，therewouldcomethefaintswishofadressandthesoundoffootsteps，andourgrandmother——dressedinamob-captrimmedwithaquaintoldlilacbow，andwearingeitherasmileorasevereexpressiononherfaceaccordingasthestateofherhealthinclinedher——wouldissuefromherroom。Gabrielwouldhastentoprecedehertoherarm-chair，theotherchairswouldmakeascrapingsound，and，withafeelingasthoughacoldshiver（theprecursorofappetite）wererunningdownone’sback，onewouldseizeuponone’sdamp，starchednapkin，nibbleamorselortwoofbread，and，rubbingone’shandssoftlyunderthetable，gazewitheager，radiantimpatienceatthesteamingplatesofsoupwhichthebutlerwasbeginningtodispenseinorderofranksandagesoraccordingtothefavourofourgrandmother。

Onthepresentoccasion，however，IwasconsciousofneitherexcitementnorpleasurewhenIwentintoluncheon。EventhemingledchatterofMimi，thegirls，andSt。JeromeaboutthehorriblebootsofourRussiantutor，thepleateddresseswornbytheyoungPrincessesKornakoff，andsoforth（chatterwhichatanyothertimewouldhavefilledmewithasincerityofcontemptwhichIshouldhavebeenatnopainstoconceal——atalleventssofarasLubotshkaandKatenkawereconcerned），failedtoshakethebenevolentframeofmindintowhichIhadfallen。Iwasunusuallygood-humouredthatday，andlistenedtoeverythingwithasmileandastudiedairofkindness。EvenwhenIaskedforthekvasI

didsopolitely，whileIlostnotamomentinagreeingwithSt。

Jeromewhenhetoldmethatitwasundoubtedlymorecorrecttosay"Jepeux"than"Jepuis。"Yet，Imustconfesstoacertaindisappointmentatfindingthatnoonepaidanyparticularattentiontomypolitenessandgood-humour。Afterluncheon，Lubotshkashowedmeapaperonwhichshehadwrittendownalistofhersins：uponwhichIobservedthat，althoughtheideawasexcellentsofarasitwent，itwouldbestillbetterforhertowritedownhersinsonherSOUL——"averydifferentmatter。"

"Whyisit’averydifferentmatter’？"askedLubotshka。

"Nevermind：thatisallright；youdonotunderstandme，"andI

wentupstairstomyroom，tellingSt。JeromethatIwasgoingtowork，butinrealitypurposingtooccupythehourandahalfbeforeconfessiontimeinwritingdownalistofmydailytasksanddutieswhichshouldlastmeallmylife，togetherwithastatementofmylife’saim，andtherulesbywhichImeantunswervinglytobeguided。

vMYRULES

ITOOKsomesheetsofpaper，andtried，firstofall，tomakealistofmytasksanddutiesforthecomingyear。Thepaperneededruling，but，asIcouldnotfindtheruler，IhadtouseaLatindictionaryinstead。Theresultwasthat，whenIhaddrawnthepenalongtheedgeofthedictionaryandremovedthelatter，Ifoundthat，inplaceofaline，Ihadonlymadeanoblongsmudgeonthepaper，sincethe，dictionarywasnotlongenoughtoreachacrossit，andthepenhadslippedroundthesoft，yieldingcornerofthebook。ThereuponItookanotherpieceofpaper，and，bycarefullymanipulatingthedictionary，contrivedtorulewhatatleastRESEMBLEDlines。Dividingmydutiesintothreesections——

mydutiestomyself，mydutiestomyneighbour，andmydutiestoGod——Istartedtoinditealistofthefirstofthosesections，buttheyseemedtomesonumerous，andthereforerequiringtobedividedintosomanyspeciesandsubdivisions，thatIthoughtI

hadbetterfirstofallwritedowntheheadingof"RulesofMyLife"beforeproceedingtotheirdetailedinscription。

Accordingly，Iproceededtowrite"RulesofMyLife"ontheoutsideofthesixsheetsofpaperwhichIhadmadeintoasortoffolio，butthewordscameoutinsuchacrookedandunevenscrawlthatforlongIsatdebatingthequestion，"ShallIwritethemagain？"——forlong，satinagonisedcontemplationoftheraggedhandwritinganddisfiguredtitle-page。Whywasitthatallthebeautyandclaritywhichmysoulthencontainedcameoutsomisshapenlyonpaper（asinlifeitself）justwhenIwaswishingtoapplythosequalitiestowhatIwasthinkingatthemoment？

"Thepriestishere，sopleasecomedownstairsandhearhisdirections，"saidNicolaasheentered，Hurriedlyconcealingmyfoliounderthetable-cloth，Ilookedatmyselfinthemirror，combedmyhairupwards（Iimaginedthistogivemeapensiveair），anddescendedtothedivannaia，[Roomwithdivans，orante-room]wherethetablestoodcoveredwithaclothandhadanikonandcandlesplaceduponit。PapaenteredjustasIdid，butbyanotherdoor：whereuponthepriest——agrey-

headedoldmonkwithasevere，elderlyface——blessedhim，andPapakissedhissmall，squat，wizenedhand。Ididthesame。

"GoandcallWoldemar，"saidPapa。"Whereishe？Waitaminute，though。PerhapsheispreparingfortheCommunionattheUniversity？"

"No，heiswiththePrince，"saidKatenka，andglancedatLubotshka。Suddenlythelatterblushedforsomereasonoranother，andthenfrowned。Finally，pretendingthatshewasnotwell，shelefttheroom，andIfollowedher。Inthedrawing-roomshehalted，andbegantopencilsomethingfreshonherpaperofpeccadilloes。

"Well，whatnewsinhaveyougoneandcommitted？"Iasked。

"Nothing，"sherepliedwithanotherblush。AllatonceweheardDimitri’svoiceraisedinthehallashetookhisleaveofWoloda。

"Itseemstomeyouarealwaysexperiencingsomenewtemptation，"

saidKatenka，whohadenteredtheroombehindus，andnowstoodlookingatLubotshka。

WhatwasthematterwithmysisterIcouldnotconceive，butshewasnowsoagitatedthatthetearswerestartingfromhereyes。

Finallyherconfusiongrewuncontrollable，andventeditselfinrageagainstbothherselfandKatenka，whoappearedtobeteasingher。

"AnyonecanseethatyouareaFOREIGNER！"shecried（nothingoffendedKatenkasomuchastobecalledbythatterm，whichiswhyLubotshkausedit）。"JustbecauseIhavethesecretofwhichyouknow，"shewenton，withangerringingthroughhertone，"youpurposelygoandupsetme！Pleasedounderstandthatitisnojokingmatter。"

"Doyouknowwhatshehasgoneandwrittenonherpaper，Nicolinka？criedKatenka，muchinfuriatedbytheterm"foreigner。""Shehaswrittendownthat——"

"Oh，Inevercouldhavebelievedthatyoucouldbesocruel！"

exclaimedLubotshka，nowburstingintoopensobbingasshemovedawayfromus。"Youchosethatmomentonpurpose！Youspendyourwholetimeintryingtomakemesin！I’llnevergotoYOUagainforsympathyandadvice！"

VI

CONFESSION

Withtheseandotherdisjointedimpressionsinmymind，Ireturnedtothedivannaia。Assoonaseveryonehadreassembled，thepriestroseandpreparedtoreadtheprayerbeforeconfession。

Theinstantthatthesilencewasbrokenbythestern，expressivevoiceofthemonkasherecitedtheprayer——andmoreespeciallywhenheaddressedtousthewords："Revealthouallthysinswithoutshame，concealment，orextenuation，andletthysoulbecleansedbeforeGod：forifthouconcealestaught，thengreatwillbethysin"——thesamesensationofreverentawecameovermeasIhadfeltduringthemorning。Ieventookacertainpleasureinrecognisingthisconditionofmine，andstrovetopreserveit，notonlybyrestrainingallotherthoughtsfromenteringmybrain，butalsobyconsciouslyexertingmyselftofeelnoothersensationthanthissameoneofreverence。

Papawasthefirsttogotoconfession。Heremainedalong，longtimeintheroomwhichhadbelongedtoourgrandmother，andduringthattimetherestofuskeptsilenceinthedivannaia，oronlywhisperedtooneanotheronthesubjectofwhoshouldprecedewhom。Atlength，thevoiceofthepriestagainreadingtheprayersoundedfromthedoorway，andthenPapa’sfootsteps。Thedoorcreakedashecameout，coughingandholdingoneshoulderhigherthantheother，inhisusualway，andforthemomenthedidnotlookatanyofus。

"YOUgonow，Luba，"hesaidpresently，ashegavehercheekamischievouspinch。"Mindyoutellhimeverything。Youaremygreatestsinner，youknow。"

Lubotshkawentredandpalebyturns，tookhermemorandumpaperoutofherapron，replacedit，andfinallymovedawaytowardsthedoorwaywithherheadsunkbetweenhershouldersasthoughsheexpectedtoreceiveablowuponitfromabove。Shewasnotlonggone，andwhenshereturnedhershoulderswereshakingwithsobs。

Atlength——nextaftertheexcellentKatenka（whocameoutofthedoorwaywithasmileonherface）——myturnarrived。Ienteredthedimly-lightedroomwiththesamevaguefeelingofawe，thesameconsciouseagernesstoarousethatfeelingmoreandmoreinmysoul，thathadpossessedmeuptothepresentmoment。Thepriest，standinginfrontofareading-desk，slowlyturnedhisfacetome。

Iwasnotmorethanfiveminutesintheroom，butcameoutfromithappyand（soIpersuadedmyself）entirelycleansed——anew，amorallyrebornindividual。Despitethefactthattheoldsurroundingsofmylifenowstruckmeasunfamiliar（eventhoughtherooms，thefurniture，andmyownfigure——wouldtoheavensthatIcouldhavechangedmyoutermanforthebetterinthesamewaythatIbelievedmyselftohavechangedmyinnerI——werethesameasbefore），Iremainedinthatcomfortableattitudeofmineuntiltheverymomentofbedtime。

Yet，nosoonerhadIbeguntogrowdrowsywiththeconningoverofmysinsthaninaflashIrecollectedaparticularlyshamefulsinwhichIhadsuppressedatconfessiontime。Instantlythewordsoftheprayerbeforeconfessioncamebacktomymemoryandbegansoundinginmyears。Mypeacewasgoneforever。"Forifthouconcealestaught，thengreatwillbethysin。"EachtimethatthephraserecurredtomeIsawmyselfasinnerforwhomnopunishmentwasadequate。LongdidItossfromsidetosideasI

consideredmyposition，whileexpectingeverymomenttobevisitedwiththedivinewrath——tobestruckwithsuddendeath，perhaps！——aninsupportablethought！Thensuddenlythereassuringthoughtoccurredtome："WhyshouldInotdriveouttothemonasterywhenthemorningcomes，andseethepriestagain，andmakeasecondconfession？"ThereafterIgrewcalmer。

VII

THEEXPEDITIONTOTHEMONASTERY

SeveraltimesthatnightIwokeinterroratthethoughtthatI

mightbeoversleepingmyself，andbysixo’clockwasoutofbed，althoughthedawnwashardlypeepinginatthewindow。Iputonmyclothesandboots（allofwhichwerelyingtumbledandunbrushedbesidethebed，sinceNicola，ofcoursehadnotbeeninyettotidythemup），and，withoutaprayersaidormyfacewashed，emerged，forthefirsttimeinmylife，intothestreetALONE。

Overtheway，behindthegreenroofofalargebuilding，thedim，colddawnwasbeginningtoblushred。Thekeenfrostofthespringmorningwhichhadstiffenedthepoolsandmudandmadethemcrackleundermyfeetnownippedmyfaceandhandsalso。Notacabwastobeseen，thoughIhadcountedupononetomakethejourneyoutandhomethequicker。OnlyafileofwaggonswasrumblingalongtheArbatProspect，andacoupleofbricklayerstalkingnoisilytogetherastheystrodealongthepavement。

However，afterwalkingaverstorsoIbegantomeetmenandwomentakingbasketstomarketorgoingwithemptybarrelstofetchtheday’swatersupply；untilatlength，atthecrossstreetsneartheArbatGate，whereapiemanhadsetuphisstallandabakerwasjustopeninghisshop，Iespiedanoldcabmanshakinghimselfafterindulginginanapontheboxofhisbe-

scratchedoldblue-painted，hobble-de-hoywreckofadrozhki。Heseemedbarelyawakeasheaskedtwentycopecksasthefaretothemonasteryandback，butcametohimselfamomentafterwards，justasIwasabouttogetin，and，touchinguphishorsewiththespareendofthereins，startedtodriveoffandleaveme。"Myhorsewantsfeeding，"hegrowled，"Ican’ttakeyou，barin。[Sir]"

WithsomedifficultyandapromiseofFORTYcopecksIpersuadedhimtostop。Heeyedmenarrowlyashepulledup，butneverthelesssaid："Verywell。Getin，barin。"ImustconfessthatIhadsomequalmslestheshoulddrivemetoaquietcornersomewhere，andthenrobme，butIcaughtholdofthecollarofhisraggeddriving-coat，closetowherehiswrinkledneckshowedsadlyleanabovehishunched-upback，andclimbedontotheblue-

painted，curved，ricketyscat。AswesetoffalongVozdvizhenkaStreet，Inoticedthatthebackofthedrozhkiwascoveredwithastripofthesamegreenishmaterialasthatofwhichhiscoatwasmade。Forsomereasonoranotherthisreassuredme，andInolongerfeltnervousofbeingtakentoaquietspotandrobbed。

Thesunhadrisentoagoodheight，andwasgildingthecupolasofthechurches，whenwearrivedatthemonastery。Intheshadethefrosthadnotyetgiven，butintheopenroadwaymuddyrivuletsofwaterwerecoursingalong，anditwasthroughfast-

thawingmirethatthehorsewentclip-cloppinghisway。

Alighting，andenteringthemonasterygrounds，IinquiredofthefirstmonkwhomImetwhereIcouldfindthepriestwhomIwasseeking。

"Hiscellisoverthere，"repliedthemonkashestoppedamomentandpointedtowardsalittlebuildinguptowhichaflightofstepsled。

"Irespectfullythankyou，"Isaid，andthenfelltowonderingwhatallthemonks（whoatthatmomentbegantocomefilingoutofthechurch）mustbethinkingofmeastheyglancedinmydirection。Iwasneitheragrown-upnorachild，whilemyfacewasunwashed，myhairunbrushed，myclothestumbled，andmybootsunblackedandmuddy。Towhatclassofpersonswerethebrethrenassigningme——fortheystaredatmehardenough？NeverthelessI

proceededinthedirectionwhichtheyoungpriesthadpointedouttome。

Anoldmanwithbushygreyeyebrowsandablackcassockmetmeonthenarrowpathtothecells，andaskedmewhatIwanted。ForabriefmomentIfeltinclinedtosay"Nothing，"andthenrunbacktothedrozhkianddriveawayhome；but，forallitsbeetlingbrows，thefaceoftheoldmaninspiredconfidence，andImerelysaidthatIwishedtoseethepriest（whomInamed）。

"Verywell，youngsir；Iwilltakeyoutohim，"saidtheoldmanasheturnedround。Clearlyhehadguessedmyerrandatastroke。

"Thefatherisatmatinsatthismoment，buthewillsoonbeback，"and，openingadoor，theoldmanledmethroughaneathallandcorridor，alllinedwithcleanmatting，toacell。

"Pleasetowaithere，"headded，andthen，withakind，reassuringglance，departed。

ThelittleroominwhichIfoundmyselfwasofthesmallestpossibledimensions，butextremelyneatandclean。Itsfurnitureonlyconsistedofasmalltable（coveredwithacloth，andplacedbetweentwoequallysmallcasement-windows，inwhichstoodtwopotsofgeraniums），astandofikons，withalampsuspendedinfrontofthem，abench，andtwochairs。Inonecornerhungawallclock，withlittleflowerspaintedonitsdial，andbrassweightstoitschains，whileupontwonailsdrivenintoascreen（which，fastenedtotheceilingwithwhitewashedpegs，probablyconcealedthebed）hungacoupleofcassocks。Thewindowslookedoutuponawhitewashedwall，abouttwoarshinsdistant，andinthespacebetweenthemtheregrewasmalllilac-bush。

Notasoundpenetratedfromwithout，andinthestillnessthemeasured，friendlystrokeoftheclock’spendulumseemedtobeatquiteloudly。TheinstantthatIfoundmyselfaloneinthiscalmretreatallotherthoughtsandrecollectionsleftmyheadascompletelyasthoughtheyhadneverbeenthere，andIsubsidedintoaninexpressiblypleasingkindoftorpor。Therustyalpacacassockswiththeirfrayedlinings，thewornblackleatherbindingsofthebookswiththeirmetalclasps，thedull-greenplantswiththeircarefullywateredleavesandsoil，and，aboveall，theabrupt，regularbeatofthependulum，allspoketomeintimatelyofsomenewlifehithertounknowntome——alifeofunityandprayer，ofcalm，restfulhappiness。

"Themonths，theyears，maypass，"Ithoughttomyself，"butheremainsalone——alwaysatpeace，alwaysknowingthathisconscienceispurebeforeGod，thathisprayerwillbeheardbyHim。"ForfullyhalfanhourIsatonthatchair，tryingnottomove，noteventobreatheloudly，forfearIshouldmartheharmonyofthesoundswhichweretellingmesomuch，andeverthependulumcontinuedtobeatthesame——nowalittleloudertotheright，nowalittlesoftertotheleft。

VIII

THESECONDCONFESSION

Suddenlythesoundofthepriest’sfootstepsrousedmefromthisreverie。

"Goodmorningtoyou，"hesaidashesmoothedhisgreyhairwithhishand。"WhatcanIdoforyou？"

Ibesoughthimtogivemehisblessing，andthenkissedhissmall，wizenedhandwithgreatfervour。AfterIhadexplainedtohimmyerrandhesaidnothing，butmovedawaytowardstheikons，andbegantoreadtheexhortation：whereuponIovercamemyshame，andtoldhimallthatwasinmyheart。Finallyhelaidhishandsuponmyhead，andpronouncedinhiseven，resonantvoicethewords："Myson，maytheblessingofOurHeavenlyFatherbeuponthee，andmayHealwayspreservetheeinfaithfulness，loving-

kindness，andmeekness。Amen。"

Iwasentirelyhappy。TearsofjoycourseddownmyfaceasI

kissedthehemofhiscassockandthenraisedmyheadagain。Thefaceofthepriestexpressedperfecttranquillity。SokeenlydidIfeelthejoyofreconciliationthat，fearinginanywaytodispelit，Itookhastyleaveofhim，and，withoutlookingtoonesideofmeortheother（inorderthatmyattentionmightnotbedistracted），leftthegroundsandre-enteredtherickety，battereddrozhki。Yetthejoltingsofthevehicleandthevarietyofobjectswhichflittedpastmyeyessoondissipatedthatfeeling，andIbecamefilledwithnothingbuttheideathatthepriestmusthavethoughtmethefinest-spiritedyoungmanhehadevermet，oreverwouldmeet，inthewholeofhislife。Indeed，I

reflected，therecouldnotbemanysuchasmyself——ofthatIfeltsure，andtheconvictionproducedinmethekindofcomplacencywhichcravesforself-communicationtoanother。Ihadagreatdesiretounbosommyselftosomeone，andastherewasnooneelsetospeakto，Iaddressedmyselftothecabman。

"WasIverylonggone？"Iaskedhim。

"No，notverylong，"hereplied。Heseemedtohavegrownmorecheerfulundertheinfluenceofthesunshine。"Yetnowitisagoodwhilepastmyhorse’sfeeding-time。Yousee，Iamanightcabman。"

"Well，Ionlyseemedtomyselftobeaboutaminute，"Iwenton。

"DoyouknowwhatIwenttherefor？"Iadded，changingmyseattothewellofthedrozhki，soastobenearerthedriver。

"Whatbusinessisitofmine？Idriveafarewherehetellsmetogo，"hereplied。

"Yes，but，allthesame，whatdoyouthinkIwenttherefor？"I

persisted。

"Iexpectsomeoneyouknowisgoingtobeburiedthere，soyouwenttoseeaboutaplotforthegrave。"

"No，no，myfriend。Still，DOyouknowwhatIwenttherefor？"

"No，ofcourseIcannottell，barin，"herepeated。

HisvoiceseemedtomesokindthatIdecidedtoedifyhimbyrelatingthecauseofmyexpedition，andeventellinghimofthefeelingwhichIhadexperienced。

"ShallItellyou？"Isaid。"Well，yousee，"——andItoldhimall，aswellasinflicteduponhimadescriptionofmyfinesentiments。TothisdayIblushattherecollection。

"Well，well！"saidthecabmannon-committally，andforalongwhileafterwardsheremainedsilentandmotionless，exceptthatatintervalsheadjustedtheskirtofhiscoateachtimethatitwasjerkedfrombeneathhislegbythejoltingsofhishugebootonthedrozhki’sstep。Ifeltsurethathemustbethinkingofmeevenasthepriesthaddone。Thatistosay，thathemustbethinkingthatnosuchfine-spiritedyoungmanexistedintheworldasI。Suddenlyheshotatme：

"Itellyouwhat，barin。YououghttokeepGod’saffairstoyourself。"

"What？"Isaid。

"Thoseaffairsofyours——theyareGod’sbusiness，"herepeated，mumblingthewordswithhistoothlesslips。

"No，hehasnotunderstoodme，"Ithoughttomyself，andsaidnomoretohimtillwereachedhome。

Althoughitwasnotmyoriginalsenseofreconciliationandreverence，butonlyasortofcomplacencyathavingexperiencedsuchasense，thatlastedinmeduringthedrivehome（andthat，too，despitethedistractionofthecrowdsofpeoplewhonowthrongedthesunlitstreetsineverydirection），Ihadnosoonerreachedhomethanevenmyspuriouscomplacencywasshattered，forIfoundthatIhadnotthefortycopeckswherewithtopaythecabman！Tothebutler，Gabriel，Ialreadyowedasmalldebt，andherefusedtolendmeanymore。Seeingmetwicerunacrossthecourtyardinquestofthemoney，thecabmanmusthavedivinedthereason，for，leapingfromhisdrozhki，he——notwithstandingthathehadseemedsokind——begantobawlaloud（withanevidentdesiretopunchmyhead）thatpeoplewhodonotpayfortheircab-ridesareswindlers。

Noneofmyfamilywereyetoutofbed，sothat，exceptfortheservants，therewasnoonefromwhomtoborrowthefortycopecks。

【推荐阅读】幽幽深宫，醒来一梦似千年，重生于下堂妃身躯中的她，将如何手刃仇人? 点击阅读