"Hush！"saidthedogman。"Here’sanothercafe。"
Theylinedupatthebar。Thedogfellasleepattheirfeet。
"Whiskey，"saidJim。
"Makeittwo，"saidthedogman。
"Ithoughtaboutyou，"saidJim，"whenIboughtthatwildland。Iwishedyouwasouttheretohelpmewiththestock。"
"LastTuesday，"saidthedogman，"hebitmeontheanklebecauseIaskedforcreaminmycoffee。Healwaysgetsthecream。"
"You’dlikePrairieViewnow，"saidJim。"Theboysfromtheround-upsforfiftymilesaroundrideinthere。Onecornerofmypastureisinsixteenmilesofthetown。There’sastraightfortymilesofwireononesideofit。"
"Youpassthroughthekitchentogettothebedroom，"saidthedogman，"andyoupassthroughtheparlourtogettothebathroom，andyoubackoutthroughthedining-roomtogetintothebedroomsoyoucanturnaroundandleavebythekitchen。Andhesnoresandbarksinhissleep，andI
havetosmokeintheparkonaccountofhisasthma。"
"Don’tMissisTelfair——"beganJim。
"Oh，shutup！"saidthedogman。"Whatisitthistime？"
"Whiskey，"saidJim。
"Makeittwo，"saidthedogman。
"Well，I’llberackingalongdowntowardtheferry，"saidtheother。
"Comeon，there，youmangy，turtle-backed，snake-headed，bench-leggedton-and-a-halfofsoap-grease！"shoutedthedogman，withanewnoteinhisvoiceandanewhandontheleash。Thedogscrambledafterthem，withanangrywhineatsuchunusuallanguagefromhisguardian。
AtthefootofTwenty-thirdStreetthedogmanledthewaythroughswingingdoors。
"Lastchance，"saidhe。"Speakup。"
"Whiskey，"saidJim。
"Makeittwo，"saidthedogman。
"Idon’tknow，"saidtheranchman，"whereI’llfindthemanIwanttotakechargeoftheLittlePowderoutfit。IwantsomebodyIknowsomethingabout。Fineststretchofprairieandtimberyoueversquintedyoureyeover，Sam。Nowifyouwas——"
"Speakingofhydrophobia，"saidthedogman，"theothernighthechewedapieceoutofmylegbecauseIknockedaflyoffofMarcella’sarm。’Itoughttobecauterized，’saysMarcella，andIwasthinkingsomyself。I
telephonesforthedoctor，andwhenhecomesMarcellasaystome：’Helpmeholdthepoordearwhilethedoctorfixeshismouth。Oh，Ihopehegotnovirusonanyofhistoofieswhenhebityou。’Nowwhatdoyouthinkofthat？"
"DoesMissisTelfair——"beganJim。
"Oh，dropit，"saidthedogman。"Comeagain！"
"Whiskey，"saidJim。
"Makeittwo，"saidthedogman。
Theywalkedontotheferry。Theranchmansteppedtotheticketwindow。
Suddenlytheswiftlandingofthreeorfourheavykickswasheard，theair。wasrentbypiercingcanineshrieks，andapained，outraged，lubberly，bow-leggedpuddingofadogranfrenziedlyupthestreetalone。
"TickettoDenver，"saidJim。
"Makeittwo，"shoutedtheex-dogman，reachingforhisinsidepocket。
VIITHECHAMPIONOFTHEWEATHER
IfyoushouldspeakoftheKiowaReservationtotheaverageNewYorkerheprobablywouldn’tknowwhetheryouwerereferringtoanewpoliticaldodgeatAlbanyoraleitmotiffrom"Parsifal。"ButoutintheKiowaReservationadviceshavebeenreceivedconcerningtheexistenceofNewYork。
ApartyofuswereonahuntingtripintheReservation。BudKingsbury，ourguide，philosopher，andfriend，wasbroilingantelopesteaksincamponenight。Oneoftheparty，apinkish-hairedyoungmaninacorrecthuntingcostume，saunteredovertothefiretolightacigarette，andremarkedcarelesslytoBud：
"Nicenight！"
"Why，yes，"saidBud，"asniceasanynightcouldbethatain’treceivedtheBroadwaystampofapproval。"
Now，theyoungmanwasfromNewYork，buttherestofuswonderedhowBudguessedit。So，whenthesteaksweredone，webesoughthimtolaybarehissystemofratiocination。AndasBudwassomethingofaTerritorialtalkingmachinehemadeorationasfollows：
"HowdidIknowhewasfromNewYork？Well，Ifigureditoutassoonashesprungthemtwowordsonme。IwasinNewYorkmyselfacoupleofyearsago，andInoticedsomeoftheearmarksandhooftracksoftheRanchoManhattan。"
"FoundNewYorkratherdifferentfromthePanhandle，didn’tyou，Bud？"
askedoneofthehunters。
"Can’tsaythatIdid，"answeredBud；"anyways，notmorethansome。ThemaintrailinthattownwhichtheycallBroadwayisplentytravelled，butthey’reaboutthesamebrandofbipedsthattramparoundinCheyenneandAmarillo，AtfirstIwassortofrattledbythecrowds，butIsoonsaystomyself，’Here，now，Bud；they’rejustplainfolkslikeyouandGeronimoandGroverClevelandandtheWatsonboys，sodon’tgetallflusteredupwithconsternationunderyoursaddleblanket，’andthenIfeelscalmandpeaceful，likeIwasbackintheNationagainataghostdanceoragreencornpow-wow。
"I’dbeensavingupforayeartogivethisNewYorkawhirl。IknewamannamedSummersthatlivedthere，butIcouldn’tfindhim；soIplayedalonehandatenjoyingtheintoxicatingpleasuresofthecorn-fedmetropolis。
"ForawhileIwassofrivolousandlocoedbytheelectriclightsandthenoisesofthephonographsandthesecond-storyrailroadsthatIforgotoneofthecryingneedsofmyWesternsystemofnaturalrequirements。Ineverwasnohandtodenymyselfthepleasuresofsociablevocalintercoursewithfriendsandstrangers。OutintheTerritorieswhenImeetamanI
neversawbefore，insideofnineminutesIknowhisincome，religion，sizeofcollar，andhiswife’stemper，andhowmuchhepaysforclothes，alimony，andchewingtobacco。It’sagiftwithmenottobepenuriouswithmyconversation。
"ButthishereNewYorkwasinauguratedontheideaofabstemiousnessinregardtothepartsofspeech。AttheendofthreeweeksnobodyinthecityhadfiredevenablanksyllableinmydirectionexceptthewaiterinthegrubemporiumwhereIfed。Andashisoutpouringsofsyntaxwasn’tnothingbutplagiarismsfromthebilloffare，heneversatisfiedmyyearnings，whichwastohavesomebodyhit。IfIstoodnexttoamanatabarhe’dedgeoffandgiveaBaldwin-ZieglerlookasifhesuspectedmeofhavingtheNorthPoleconcealedonmyperson。IbegantowishthatI’dgonetoAbileneorWacoformy_paseado_；forthemayorofthemplaceswilldrinkwithyou，andthefirstcitizenyoumeetwilltellyouhismiddlenameandask’youtotakeachanceinaraffleforamusicbox。
"Well，onedaywhenIwasparticularhankeringfortobegregariouswithsomethingmoreloquaciousthanalamppost，afellowinacaffysaystome，sayshe：
"’Niceday！’
"Hewasakindofamanageroftheplace，andIreckonhe’dseenmeinthereagoodmanytimes。HehadafacelikeafishandaneyelikeJudas，butIgotupandputonearmaroundhisneck。
"’Pardner，’Isays，’sureit’saniceday。You’rethefirstgentlemaninallNewYorktoobservethattheintricaciesofhumanspeechmightnotbealtogetherwastedonWilliamKingsbury。Butdon’tyouthink，’saysI，’that’twasalittlecoolearlyinthemorning；andain’tthereafeelingofrainintheairto-night？Butalongaboutnoonitsurewasgallupsiousweather。How’salluptothehouse？Youdoingrightwellwiththecaffy，now？’
"Well，sir，thatgalootjustturnshisbackandwalksoffstiff，withoutaword，afterallmytryingtobeagreeable！Ididn’tknowwhattomakeofit。ThatnightIfindsanotefromSummers，who’dbeenawayfromtown，givingtheaddressofhiscamp。Igoesuptohishouseandhasagood，old-timetalkwithhisfolks。AndItellsSummersabouttheactionsofthiscoyoteinthecaffy，anddesiresinterpretation。
"’Oh，’saysSummers，’hewasn’tintendingtostrikeupaconversationwithyou。That’sjusttheNewYorkstyle。He’dseenyouwasaregularcustomerandhespokeawordortwojusttoshowyouheappreciatedyourcustom。Yououghtn’ttohavefolloweditup。That’saboutasfaraswecaretogowithastranger。Awordorsoabouttheweathermaybeventured，butwedon’tgenerallymakeitthebasisofanacquaintance。’
"’Billy，’saysI，’theweatheranditsramificationsisasolemnsubjectwithme。Meteorologyisoneofmysorepoints。Nomancanopenupthequestionoftemperatureorhumidityorthegladsunshinewithme，andthenturntailonitwithoutitsleadingtoafallingbarometer。I’mgoingdowntoseethatmanagainandgivehimalessonintheartofcontinuousconversation。YousayNewYorketiquetteallowshimtwowordsandnoanswer。Well，he’sgoingtoturnhimselfintoaweatherbureauandfinishwhathebegunwithme，besidesindulginginneighbourlyremarksonothersubjects。’
"Summerstalkedaginit，butIwasirritatedsomeandIwentonthestreetcarbacktothatcaffy。
"Thesamefellowwasthereyet，walkingroundinasortofbackcorralwheretherewastablesandchairs。Afewpeoplewassittingaroundhavingdrinksandsneeringatoneanother。
"Icalledthatmantoonesideandherdedhimintoacorner。Iunbuttonedenoughtoshowhimathirty-eightIcarriedstuckundermyvest。
"’Pardner，’Isays，’abriefspaceagoIwasinhereandyouseizedtheopportunitytosayitwasaniceday。WhenIattemptedtocorroborateyourweathersignal，youturnedyourbackandwalkedoff。Now，’saysI，’youfrog-hearted，language-shy，stiff-neckedcrossbetweenaSpitzbergenseacookandamuzzledoyster，youresumewhereyouleftoffinyourdiscourseontheweather。’
"Thefellowlooksatmeandtriestogrin，butheseesIdon’tandhecomesaroundserious。
"’Well，’sayshe，eyeingthehandleofmygun，’itwasratheraniceday；
somewarmish，though。’
"’Particulars，youmealy-mouthedsnoozer，’Isays——’let’shavethespecifications——expatiate——fillintheoutlines。Whenyoustartanythingwithmeinshort-handit’sboundtoturnoutastormsignal。’
"’Lookedlikerainyesterday，’saystheman，’butitclearedofffineintheforenoon。Ihearthefarmersareneedingrainrightbadlyup-State。’
"’That’sthekindofacanter，’saysI。’ShaketheNewYorkdustoffyourhoofsandbearealagreeablekindofacentaur。Youbroketheice，youknow，andwe’regettingbetteracquaintedeveryminute。SeemstomeI
askedyouaboutyourfamily？’
"’They’reallwell，thanks，’sayshe。’We——wehaveanewpiano。’
"’Nowyou’recomingit，’Isays。’Thiscoldreserveisbreakingupatlast。Thatlittletouchaboutthepianoalmostmakesusbrothers。What’stheyoungestkid’sname？’Iaskshim。
"’Thomas，’sayshe。’He’sjustgettingwellfromthemeasles。’
"’IfeellikeI’dknownyoualways，’saysI。’Nowtherewasjustonemore——areyoudoingrightwellwiththecaffy，now？’
"’Prettywell，’hesays。’I’mputtingawayalittlemoney。’
"’Gladtohearit，’saysI。’Nowgobacktoyourworkandgetcivilized。
Keepyourhandsofftheweatherunlessyou’rereadytofollowitupinapersonalmanner，It’sasubjectthatnaturallybelongstosociabilityandtheformingofnewties，andIhatetoseeithandedoutinsmallchangeinatownlikethis。’
"SothenextdayIrollsupmyblanketsandhitsthetrailawayfromNewYorkCity。"
FormanyminutesafterBudceasedtalkingwelingeredaroundthefire，andthenallhandsbegantodisperseforbed。
AsIwasunrollingmybeddingIheardthepinkish-hairedyoungmansayingtoBud，withsomethinglikeanxietyinhisvoice：
"AsIsay，Mr。Kingsbury，thereissomethingreallybeautifulaboutthisnight。Thedelightfulbreezeandthebrightstarsandtheclearairuniteinmakingitwonderfullyattractive。"
"Yes，"saidBud，"it’sanicenight。"
VIIIMAKESTHEWHOLEWORLDKIN
Theburglarsteppedinsidethewindowquickly，andthenhetookhistime。
Aburglarwhorespectshisartalwaystakeshistimebeforetakinganythingelse。
Thehousewasaprivateresidence。ByitsboardedfrontdooranduntrimmedBostonivytheburglarknewthatthemistressofitwassittingonsomeoceansidepiazzatellingasympatheticmaninayachtingcapthatnoonehadeverunderstoodhersensitive，lonelyheart。Heknewbythelightinthethird-storyfrontwindows，andbythelatenessoftheseason，thatthemasterofthehousehadcomehome，andwouldsoonextinguishhislightandretire。ForitwasSeptemberoftheyearandofthesoul，inwhichseasonthehouse’sgoodmancomestoconsiderroofgardensandstenographersasvanities，andtodesirethereturnofhismateandthemoredurableblessingsofdecorumandthemoralexcellencies。
Theburglarlightedacigarette。Theguardedglowofthematchilluminatedhissalientpointsforamoment。Hebelongedtothethirdtypeofburglars。
Thisthirdtypehasnotyetbeenrecognizedandaccepted。Thepolicehavemadeusfamiliarwiththefirstandsecond。Theirclassificationissimple。Thecollaristhedistinguishingmark。
Whenaburglariscaughtwhodoesnotwearacollarheisdescribedasadegenerateofthelowesttype，singularlyviciousanddepraved，andissuspectedofbeingthedesperatecriminalwhostolethehandcuffsoutofPatrolmanHennessy’spocketin1878andwalkedawaytoescapearrest。
Theotherwell-knowntypeistheburglarwhowearsacollar。HeisalwaysreferredtoasaRafflesinreallife。Heisinvariablyagentlemanbydaylight，breakfastinginadresssuit，andposingasapaperhanger，whileafterdarkheplieshisnefariousoccupationofburglary。HismotherisanextremelywealthyandrespectedresidentofOceanGrove，andwhenheisconductedtohiscellheasksatonceforanailfileandthePoliceGazette。HealwayshasawifeineveryStateintheUnionandfianceesinalltheTerritories，andthenewspapersprinthismatrimonialgalleryoutoftheirstockofcutsoftheladieswhowerecuredbyonlyonebottleafterhavingbeengivenupbyfivedoctors，experiencinggreatreliefafterthefirstdose。
Theburglarworeabluesweater。HewasneitheraRafflesnoroneofthechefsfromHell’sKitchen。Thepolicewouldhavebeenbaffledhadtheyattemptedtoclassifyhim。Theyhavenotyetheardoftherespectable，unassumingburglarwhoisneitherabovenorbelowhisstation。
Thisburglarofthethirdclassbegantoprowl。Heworenomasks，darklanterns，orgumshoes。Hecarrieda88-calibrerevolverinhispocket，andhechewedpeppermintgumthoughtfully。
Thefurnitureofthehousewasswathedinitssummerdustprotectors。Thesilverwasfarawayinsafe-depositvaults。Theburglarexpectednoremarkable"haul。"Hisobjectivepointwasthatdimlylightedroomwherethemasterofthehouseshouldbesleepingheavilyafterwhateversolacehehadsoughttolightentheburdenofhisloneliness。A"touch"mightbemadetheretotheextentoflegitimate，fairprofessionalprofits——loosemoney，awatch，ajewelledstick-pin——nothingexorbitantorbeyondreason。Hehadseenthewindowleftopenandhadtakenthechance。
Theburglarsoftlyopenedthedoorofthelightedroom。Thegaswasturnedlow。Amanlayinthebedasleep。Onthedresserlaymanythingsinconfusion——acrumpledrollofbills，awatch，keys，threepokerchips，crushedcigars，apinksilkhairbow，andanunopenedbottleofbromo-seltzerforabulwarkinthemorning。
Theburglartookthreestepstowardthedresser。Themaninthebedsuddenlyutteredasqueakygroanandopenedhiseyes。Hisrighthandslidunderhispillow，butremainedthere。
"Laystill，"saidtheburglarinconversationaltone。Burglarsofthethirdtypedonothiss。Thecitizeninthebedlookedattheroundendoftheburglar’spistolandlaystill。
"Nowholdupbothyourhands，"commandedtheburglar。
Thecitizenhadalittle，pointed，brown-and-graybeard，likethatofapainlessdentist。Helookedsolid，esteemed，irritable，anddisgusted。
Hesatupinbedandraisedhisrighthandabovehishead。
"Upwiththeotherone，"orderedtheburglar。"Youmightbeamphibiousandshootwithyourleft。Youcancounttwo，can’tyou？Hurryup，now。"
"Can’traisetheotherone，"saidthecitizen，withacontortionofhislineaments。
"What’sthematterwithit？"
"Rheumatismintheshoulder。"
"Inflammatory？"
"Was。Theinflammationhasgonedown。"Theburglarstoodforamomentortwo，holdinghisgunontheafflictedone。Heglancedattheplunderonthedresserandthen，withahalf-embarrassedair，backatthemaninthebed。Thenhe，too，madeasuddengrimace。
"Don’tstandtheremakingfaces，"snappedthecitizen，bad-humouredly。
"Ifyou’vecometoburglewhydon’tyoudoit？There’ssomestufflyingaround。"
"’Scuseme，"saidtheburglar，withagrin；"butitjustsockedmeone，too。It’sgoodforyouthatrheumatismandmehappenstobeoldpals。I
gotitinmyleftarm，too。Mostanybodybutmewouldhavepoppedyouwhenyouwouldn’thoistthatleftclawofyours。"
"Howlonghaveyouhadit？"inquiredthecitizen。
"Fouryears。Iguessthatain’tall。Onceyou’vegotit，it’syouforarheumaticlife——that’smyjudgment。"
"Evertryrattlesnakeoil？"askedthecitizen，interestedly。
"Gallons，"saidtheburglar。"IfallthesnakesI’veusedtheoilofwasstrungoutinarowthey’dreacheighttimesasfarasSaturn，andtherattlescouldbeheardatValparaiso，Indiana，andback。"
"SomeuseChiselum’sPills，"remarkedthecitizen。
"Fudge！"saidtheburglar。"Took’emfivemonths。Nogood。IhadsomerelieftheyearItriedFinkelham’sExtract，BalmofGileadpoulticesandPotts’sPainPulverizer；butIthinkitwasthebuckeyeIcarriedinmypocketwhatdonethetrick。"
"Isyoursworseinthemorningoratnight？"askedthecitizen。
"Night，"saidtheburglar；"justwhenI’mbusiest。Say，takedownthatarmofyours——Iguessyouwon’t——Say！didyouevertryBlickerstaff’sBloodBuilder？"
"Ineverdid。Doesyourscomeinparoxysmsorisitasteadypain？"
Theburglarsatdownonthefootofthebedandrestedhisgunonhiscrossedknee。
"Itjumps，"saidhe。"ItstrikesmewhenIain’tlookingforit。Ihadtogiveupsecond-storyworkbecauseIgotstucksometimeshalf-wayup。
Tellyouwhat——Idon’tbelievethebloomin’doctorsknowwhatisgoodforit。"
"Samehere。I’vespentathousanddollarswithoutgettinganyrelief。
Yoursswellany？"
"Ofmornings。Andwhenit’sgoin’torain——greatChristopher！"
"Me，too，"saidthecitizen。"Icantellwhenastreakofhumiditythesizeofatable-clothstartsfromFloridaonitswaytoNewYork。AndifIpassatheatrewherethere’san’EastLynne’matineegoingon，themoisturestartsmyleftarmjumpinglikeatoothache。"
"It’sundiluted——hades！"saidtheburglar。
"You’redeadright，"saidthecitizen。
Theburglarlookeddownathispistolandthrustitintohispocketwithanawkwardattemptatease。
"Say，oldman，"hesaid，constrainedly，"evertryopodeldoc？"
"Slop！"saidthecitizenangrily。"Mightaswellrubonrestaurantbutter。"
"Sure，"concurredtheburglar。"It’sasalvesuitableforlittleMinniewhenthekittyscratchesherfinger。I’lltellyouwhat！We’reupagainstit。Ionlyfindonethingthateasesherup。Hey？Littleoldsanitary，ameliorating，lest-we-forgetBooze。Say——thisjob’soff——’scuseme——
getonyourclothesandlet’sgooutandhavesome。’Scusetheliberty，but——ouch！Thereshegoesagain！"
"Foraweek，"saidthecitizen。"Ihaven’tbeenabletodressmyselfwithouthelp。I’mafraidThomasisinbed，and——"
"Climbout，"saidtheburglar，"I’llhelpyougetintoyourduds。"
Theconventionalreturnedasatidalwaveandfloodedthecitizen。Hestrokedhisbrown-and-graybeard。
"It’sveryunusual——"hebegan。
"Here’syourshirt，"saidtheburglar，"fallout。IknewamanwhosaidOmberry’sOintmentfixedhimintwoweekssohecouldusebothhandsintyinghisfour-in-hand。"
Astheyweregoingoutthedoorthecitizenturnedandstartedback。
"Likedtoforgotmymoney，"heexplained；"laiditonthedresserlastnight。"
Theburglarcaughthimbytherightsleeve。
"Comeon，"hesaidbluffly。"Iaskyou。Leaveitalone。I’vegottheprice。Evertrywitchhazelandoilofwintergreen？"
IXATARMSWITHMORPHEUS
InevercouldquiteunderstandhowTomHopkinscametomakethatblunder，forhehadbeenthroughawholetermatamedicalcollege——beforeheinheritedhisaunt’sfortune——andhadbeenconsideredstrongintherapeutics。
Wehadbeenmakingacalltogetherthatevening，andafterwardTomranuptomyroomsforapipeandachatbeforegoingontohisownluxuriousapartments。IhadsteppedintotheotherroomforamomentwhenIheardTomsingout：
"Oh，Billy，I’mgoingtotakeaboutfourgrainsofquinine，ifyoudon’tmind——I’mfeelingallblueandshivery。GuessI’mtakingcold。"
"Allright，"Icalledback。"Thebottleisonthesecondshelf。Takeitinaspoonfulofthatelixirofeucalyptus。Itknocksthebitterout。"
AfterIcamebackwesatbythefireandgotourbriarsgoing。InabouteightminutesTomsankbackintoagentlecollapse。
Iwentstraighttothemedicinecabinetandlooked。
"Youunmitigatedhayseed！"Igrowled。"Seewhatmoneywilldoforaman’sbrains！"
Therestoodthemorphinebottlewiththestoppleout，justasTomhadleftit。
IroutedoutanotheryoungM。D。whoroomedonthefloorabove，andsenthimforoldDoctorGales，twosquaresaway。TomHopkinshastoomuchmoneytobeattendedbyrisingyoungpractitionersalone。
WhenGalescameweputTomthroughasexpensiveacourseoftreatmentastheresourcesoftheprofessionpermit。Afterthemoredrasticremedieswegavehimcitrateofcaffeineinfrequentdosesandstrongcoffee，andwalkedhimupanddownthefloorbetweentwoofus。OldGalespinchedhimandslappedhisfaceandworkedhardforthebigcheckhecouldseeinthedistance。TheyoungM。D。fromthenextfloorgaveTomamosthearty，rousingkick，andthenapologizedtome。
"Couldn’thelpit，"hesaid。"Ineverkickedamillionairebeforeinmylife。Imayneverhaveanotheropportunity。"
"Now，"saidDoctorGales，afteracoupleofhours，"he’lldo。Butkeephimawakeforanotherhour。Youcandothatbytalkingtohimandshakinghimupoccasionally。Whenhispulseandrespirationarenormalthenlethimsleep。I’llleavehimwithyounow。"
IwasleftalonewithTom，whomwehadlaidonacouch。Helayverystill，andhiseyeswerehalfclosed。Ibeganmyworkofkeepinghimawake。
"Well，oldman，"Isaid，"you’vehadanarrowsqueak，butwe’vepulledyouthrough。Whenyouwereattendinglectures，Tom，didn’tanyoftheprofessorsevercasuallyremarkthatm-o-r-p-h-i-aneverspells’quinia，’
especiallyinfour-graindoses？ButIwon’tpileituponyouuntilyougetonyourfeet。Butyououghttohavebeenadruggist，Tom；you’resplendidlyqualifiedtofillprescriptions。"
Tomlookedatmewithafaintandfoolishsmile。
"B’ly，"hemurmured，"Ifeeljus’likeahum’nbirdflyin’aroundajollylotofmost’shpensiveroses。Don’bozzerme。Goin’sleepnow。"
Andhewenttosleepintwoseconds。Ishookhimbytheshoulder。
"Now，Tom，"Isaid，severely，"thiswon’tdo。Thebigdoctorsaidyoumuststayawakeforatleastanhour。Openyoureyes。You’renotentirelysafeyet，youknow。Wakeup。"
TomHopkinsweighsonehundredandninety-eight。Hegavemeanothersomnolentgrin，andfellintodeeperslumber。Iwouldhavemadehimmoveabout，butImightaswellhavetriedtomakeCleopatra’sneedlewaltzaroundtheroomwithme。Tom’sbreathingbecamestertorous，andthat，inconnectionwithmorphiapoisoning，meansdanger。
ThenIbegantothink。Icouldnotrousehisbody；Imuststrivetoexcitehismind。"Makehimangry，"wasanideathatsuggesteditself。
"Good！"Ithought；buthow？TherewasnotajointinTom’sarmour。Dearoldfellow！Hewasgoodnatureitself，andagallantgentleman，fineandtrueandcleanassunlight。HecamefromsomewheredownSouth，wheretheystillhaveidealsandacode。NewYorkhadcharmed，buthadnotspoiled，him。Hehadthatold-fashionedchivalrousreverenceforwomen，that——Eureka！——therewasmyidea！Iworkedthethingupforaminuteortwoinmyimagination。IchuckledtomyselfatthethoughtofspringingathinglikethatonoldTomHopkins。ThenItookhimbytheshoulderandshookhimtillhisearsflopped。Heopenedhiseyeslazily。Iassumedanexpressionofscornandcontempt，andpointedmyfingerwithintwoinchesofhisnose。
"Listentome，Hopkins，"Isaid，incuttinganddistincttones，"youandI
havebeengoodfriends，butIwantyoutounderstandthatinthefuturemydoorsareclosedagainstanymanwhoactsasmuchlikeascoundrelasyouhave。"
Tomlookedtheleastbitinterested。
"What’sthematter，Billy？"hemuttered，composedly。"Don’tyourclothesfityou？"
"IfIwereinyourplace，"Iwenton，"which，thankGod，Iamnot，IthinkIwouldbeafraidtoclosemyeyes。HowaboutthatgirlyouleftwaitingforyoudownamongthoselonesomeSouthernpines——thegirlthatyou’veforgottensinceyoucameintoyourconfoundedmoney？Oh，IknowwhatI’mtalkingabout。Whileyouwereapoormedicalstudentshewasgoodenoughforyou。Butnow，sinceyouareamillionaire，it’sdifferent。Iwonderwhatshethinksoftheperformancesofthatpeculiarclassofpeoplewhichshehasbeentaughttoworship——theSoutherngentlemen？I’msorry，Hopkins，thatIwasforcedtospeakaboutthesematters，butyou’vecovereditupsowellandplayedyourpartsonicelythatIwouldhaveswornyouwereabovesuchunmanlytricks"
PoorTom。Icouldscarcelykeepfromlaughingoutrighttoseehimstrugglingagainsttheeffectsoftheopiate。Hewasdistinctlyangry，andIdidn’tblamehim。TomhadaSoutherntemper。Hiseyeswereopennow，andtheyshowedagleamortwooffire。Butthedrugstillcloudedhismindandboundhistongue。
"C-c-confoundyou，"hestammered，"I’lls-smashyou。"
Hetriedtorisefromthecouch。Withallhissizehewasveryweaknow。
Ithrusthimbackwithonearm。Helaythereglaringlikealioninatrap。
"Thatwillholdyouforawhile，youoldloony，"Isaidtomyself。Igotupandlitmypipe，forIwasneedingasmoke。Iwalkedaroundabit，congratulatingmyselfonmybrilliantidea。
Iheardasnore。Ilookedaround。Tomwasasleepagain。Iwalkedoverandpunchedhimonthejaw。Helookedatmeaspleasantandungrudgingasanidiot。Ichewedmypipeandgaveittohimhard。
"Iwantyoutorecoveryourselfandgetoutofmyroomsassoonasyoucan，"Isaid，insultingly。"I’vetoldyouwhatIthinkofyou。Ifyouhaveanyhonourorhonestyleftyouwillthinktwicebeforeyouattemptagaintoassociatewithgentlemen。She’sapoorgirl，isn’tshe？"I
sneered。"Somewhattooplainandunfashionableforussincewegotourmoney。BeashamedtowalkonFifthAvenuewithher，wouldn’tyou？
Hopkins，you’reforty-seventimesworsethanacad。Whocaresforyourmoney？Idon’t。I’llbetthatgirldon’t。Perhapsifyoudidn’thaveityou’dbemoreofaman。Asitisyou’vemadeacurofyourself，and"——I
thoughtthatquitedramatic——"perhapsbrokenafaithfulheart。"（OldTomHopkinsbreakingafaithfulheart！）"Letmeberidofyouassoonaspossible。"
IturnedmybackonTom，andwinkedatmyselfinamirror。Iheardhimmoving，andIturnedagainquickly。Ididn’twantahundredandninety-eightpoundsfallingonmefromtherear。ButTomhadonlyturnedpartlyover，andlaidonearmacrosshisface。Hespokeafewwordsrathermoredistinctlythanbefore。
"Icouldn’thave——talkedthisway——toyou，Billy，evenifI’dheardpeople——lyin’’boutyou。Butjus’soon’sIcans-standup——I’llbreakyourneck——don’f’getit。"
Ididfeelalittleashamedthen。ButitwastosaveTom。Inthemorning，whenIexplainedit，wewouldhaveagoodlaughoverittogether。
InabouttwentyminutesTomdroppedintoasound，easyslumber。Ifelthispulse，listenedtohisrespiration，andlethimsleep。Everythingwasnormal，andTomwassafe。Iwentintotheotherroomandtumbledintobed。
IfoundTomupanddressedwhenIawokethenextmorning。Hewasentirelyhimselfagainwiththeexceptionofshakynervesandatonguelikeawhite-oakchip。
"WhatanidiotIwas，"hesaid，thoughtfully。"IrememberthinkingthatquininebottlelookedqueerwhileIwastakingthedose。Havemuchtroubleinbringingme’round？"
Itoldhimno。Hismemoryseemedbadabouttheentireaffair。I
concludedthathehadnorecollectionofmyeffortstokeephimawake，anddecidednottoenlightenhim。Someothertime，Ithought，whenhewasfeelingbetter，wewouldhavesomefunoverit。
WhenTomwasreadytogohestopped，withthedooropen，andshookmyhand。
"Muchobliged，oldfellow，"hesaid，quietly，"fortakingsomuchtroublewithme——andforwhatyousaid。I’mgoingdownnowtotelegraphtothelittlegirl。"
XAGHOSTOFACHANCE
"Actually，ahod！"repeatedMrs。Kinsolving，pathetically。
Mrs。BellamyBellmorearchedasympatheticeyebrow。Thussheexpressedcondolenceandagenerousamountofapparentsurprise。
"Fancyhertellingeverywhere，"recapitulatedMrs。Kinsolving，"thatshesawaghostintheapartmentsheoccupiedhere——ourchoicestguest-room——aghost，carryingahodonitsshoulder——theghostofanoldmaninoveralls，smokingapipeandcarryingahod！Theveryabsurdityofthethingshowshermaliciousintent。ThereneverwasaKinsolvingthatcarriedahod。EveryoneknowsthatMr。Kinsolving’sfatheraccumulatedhismoneybylargebuildingcontracts，butheneverworkedadaywithhisownhands。Hehadthishousebuiltfromhisownplans；but——oh，ahod！
Whyneedshehavebeensocruelandmalicious？"
"Itisreallytoobad，"murmuredMrs。Bellmore，withanapprovingglanceofherfineeyesaboutthevastchamberdoneinlilacandoldgold。"Anditwasinthisroomshesawit！Oh，no，I’mnotafraidofghosts。Don’thavetheleastfearonmyaccount。I’mgladyouputmeinhere。Ithinkfamilyghostssointeresting！But，really，thestorydoessoundalittleinconsistent。IshouldhaveexpectedsomethingbetterfromMrs。
Fischer-Suympkins。Don’ttheycarrybricksinhods？Whyshouldaghostbringbricksintoavillabuiltofmarbleandstone？I’msosorry，butitmakesmethinkthatageisbeginningtotelluponMrs。Fischer-Suympkins。"
"Thishouse，"continuedMrs。Kinsolving，"wasbuiltuponthesiteofanoldoneusedbythefamilyduringtheRevolution。Therewouldn’tbeanythingstrangeinitshavingaghost。AndtherewasaCaptainKinsolvingwhofoughtinGeneralGreene’sarmy，thoughwe’veneverbeenabletosecureanypaperstovouchforit。Ifthereistobeafamilyghost，whycouldn’tithavebeenhis，insteadofabricklayer’s？"
"TheghostofaRevolutionaryancestorwouldn’tbeabadidea，"agreedMrs。Bellmore；"butyouknowhowarbitraryandinconsiderateghostscanbe。Maybe，likelove，theyare’engenderedintheeye。’Oneadvantageofthosewhoseeghostsisthattheirstoriescan’tbedisproved。Byaspitefuleye，aRevolutionaryknapsackmighteasilybeconstruedtobeahod。DearMrs。Kinsolving，thinknomoreofit。Iamsureitwasaknapsack。"
"Butshetoldeverybody！"mournedMrs。Kinsolving，inconsolable。"Sheinsisteduponthedetails。Thereisthepipe。Andhowareyougoingtogetoutoftheoveralls？"
"Shan’tgetintothem，"saidMrs。Bellmore，withaprettilysuppressedyawn；"toostiffandwrinkly。Isthatyou，Felice？Preparemybath，please。DoyoudineatsevenatClifftop，Mrs。Kinsolving？Sokindofyoutoruninforachatbeforedinner！Ilovethoselittletouchesofinformalitywithaguest。Theygivesuchahomeflavourtoavisit。Sosorry；Imustbedressing。IamsoindolentIalwayspostponeituntilthelastmoment。"
Mrs。Fischer-SuympkinshadbeenthefirstlargeplumthattheKinsolvingshaddrawnfromthesocialpie。Foralongtime，thepieitselfhadbeenoutofreachonatopshelf。Butthepurseandthepursuithadatlastloweredit。Mrs。Fischer-Suympkinswastheheliographofthesmartsocietyparadingcorps。Theglitterofherwitandactionspassedalongtheline，transmittingwhateverwaslatestandmostdaringinthegameofpeep-show。Formerly，herfameandleadershiphadbeensecureenoughnottoneedthesupportofsuchartificesashandingaroundlivefrogsforfavoursatacotillon。But，now，thesethingswerenecessarytotheholdingofherthrone。Beside，middleagehadcometopreside，incongruous，athercapers。Thesensationalpapershadcutherspacefromapagetotwocolumns。Herwitdevelopedasting；hermannersbecamemoreroughandinconsiderate，asifshefelttheroyalnecessityofestablishingherautocracybyscorningtheconventionalitiesthatboundlesserpotentates。
TosomepressureatthecommandoftheKinsolvings，shehadyieldedsofarastohonourtheirhousebyherpresence，foraneveningandnight。Shehadherrevengeuponherhostessbyrelating，withgrimenjoymentandsarcastichumour，herstoryofthevisioncarryingthehod。Tothatlady，inrapturesathavingpenetratedthusfartowardthecovetedinnercircle，theresultcameasacrushingdisappointment。Everybodyeithersympathizedorlaughed，andtherewaslittletochoosebetweenthetwomodesofexpression。
But，lateron，Mrs。Kinsolving’shopesandspiritswererevivedbythecaptureofasecondandgreaterprize。
Mrs。BellamyBellmorehadacceptedaninvitationtovisitatClifftop，andwouldremainforthreedays。Mrs。Bellmorewasoneoftheyoungermatrons，whosebeauty，descent，andwealthgaveherareservedseatintheholyofholiesthatrequirednostrenuousbolstering。ShewasgenerousenoughthustogiveMrs。Kinsolvingtheaccoladethatwassopoignantlydesired；and，atthesametime，shethoughthowmuchitwouldpleaseTerence。Perhapsitwouldendbysolvinghim。
TerencewasMrs。Kinsolving’sson，agedtwenty-nine，quitegood-lookingenough，andwithtwoorthreeattractiveandmysterioustraits。Forone，hewasverydevotedtohismother，andthatwassufficientlyoddtodeservenotice。Forothers，hetalkedsolittlethatitwasirritating，andheseemedeitherveryshyorverydeep。TerenceinterestedMrs。
Bellmore，becauseshewasnotsurewhichitwas。Sheintendedtostudyhimalittlelonger，unlesssheforgotthematter。Ifhewasonlyshy，shewouldabandonhim，forshynessisabore。Ifhewasdeep，shewouldalsoabandonhim，fordepthisprecarious。
Ontheafternoonofthethirddayofhervisit，TerencehuntedupMrs。
Bellmore，andfoundherinanookactuallylookingatanalbum。
"It’ssogoodofyou，"saidhe，"tocomedownhereandretrievethedayforus。IsupposeyouhaveheardthatMrs。Fischer-Suympkinsscuttledtheshipbeforesheleft。Sheknockedawholeplankoutofthebottomwithahod。Mymotherisgrievingherselfillaboutit。Can’tyoumanagetoseeaghostforuswhileyouarehere，Mrs。Bellmore——abang-up，swellghost，withacoronetonhisheadandachequebookunderhisarm？"
"Thatwasanaughtyoldlady，Terence，"saidMrs。Bellmore，"totellsuchstories。Perhapsyougavehertoomuchsupper。Yourmotherdoesn’treallytakeitseriously，doesshe？"
"Ithinkshedoes，"answeredTerence。"Onewouldthinkeverybrickinthehodhaddroppedonher。It’sagoodmammy，andIdon’tliketoseeherworried。It’stobehopedthattheghostbelongstothehod-carriers’
union，andwillgooutonastrike。Ifhedoesn’t，therewillbenopeaceinthisfamily。"
"I’msleepingintheghost-chamber，"saidMrs。Bellmore，pensively。"Butit’ssoniceIwouldn’tchangeit，evenifIwereafraid，whichI’mnot。
Itwouldn’tdoformetosubmitacounterstoryofadesirable，aristocraticshade，wouldit？Iwoulddoso，withpleasure，butitseemstomeitwouldbetooobviouslyanantidotefortheothernarrativetobeeffective。"
"True，"saidTerence，runningtwofingersthoughtfullyintohiscrisp，brownhair；"thatwouldneverdo。Howwoulditworktoseethesameghostagain，minustheoveralls，andhavegoldbricksinthehod？Thatwouldelevatethespectrefromdegradingtoiltoafinancialplane。Don’tyouthinkthatwouldberespectableenough？"
"TherewasanancestorwhofoughtagainsttheBritishers，wasn’tthere？
Yourmothersaidsomethingtothateffect。"
"Ibelieveso；oneofthoseoldchapsinraglanvestsandgolftrousers。
Idon’tcareacontinentalforaContinental，myself。Butthemotherhassetherheartonpompandheraldryandpyrotechnics，andIwanthertobehappy。"
"Youareagoodboy，Terence，"saidMrs。Bellmore，sweepinghersilksclosetoonesideofher，"nottobeatyourmother。Sitherebyme，andlet’slookatthealbum，justaspeopleusedtodotwentyyearsago。Now，tellmeabouteveryoneofthem。Whoisthistall，dignifiedgentlemanleaningagainstthehorizon，withonearmontheCorinthiancolumn？"
"Thatoldchapwiththebigfeet？"inquiredTerence，craninghisneck。
"That’sgreat-uncleO’Brannigan。HeusedtokeeparathskellerontheBowery。"
"Iaskedyoutositdown，Terence。Ifyouarenotgoingtoamuse，orobey，me，IshallreportinthemorningthatIsawaghostwearinganapronandcarryingschoonersofbeer。Now，thatisbetter。Tobeshy，atyourage，Terence，isathingthatyoushouldblushtoacknowledge。"
Atbreakfastonthelastmorningofhervisit，Mrs。Bellmorestartledandentrancedeveryonepresentbyannouncingpositivelythatshehadseentheghost。
"Didithavea——a——a——？"Mrs。Kinsolving，inhersuspenseandagitation，couldnotbringouttheword。
"No，indeed——farfromit。"
Therewasachorusofquestionsfromothersatthetable。"Weren’tyoufrightened？""Whatdiditdo？""Howdiditlook？""Howwasitdressed？"
"Diditsayanything？""Didn’tyouscream？"
"I’lltrytoanswereverythingatonce，"saidMrs。Bellmore，heroically，"althoughI’mfrightfullyhungry。Somethingawakenedme——I’mnotsurewhetheritwasanoiseoratouch——andtherestoodthephantom。Ineverburnalightatnight，sotheroomwasquitedark，butIsawitplainly。
Iwasn’tdreaming。Itwasatallman，allmistywhitefromheadtofoot。
ItworethefulldressoftheoldColonialdays——powderedhair，baggycoatskirts，laceruffles，andasword。Itlookedintangibleandluminousinthedark，andmovedwithoutasound。Yes，Iwasalittlefrightenedatfirst——orstartled，Ishouldsay。ItwasthefirstghostIhadeverseen。No，itdidn’tsayanything。Ididn’tscream。Iraiseduponmyelbow，andthenitglidedsilentlyaway，anddisappearedwhenitreachedthedoor。"
Mrs。Kinsolvingwasintheseventhheaven。"ThedescriptionisthatofCaptainKinsolving，ofGeneralGreene’sarmy，oneofourancestors，"shesaid，inavoicethattrembledwithprideandrelief。"IreallythinkI
mustapologizeforourghostlyrelative，Mrs。Bellmore。Iamafraidhemusthavebadlydisturbedyourrest。"
Terencesentasmileofpleasedcongratulationtowardhismother。
AttainmentwasMrs。Kinsolving’s，atlast，andhelovedtoseeherhappy。
"IsupposeIoughttobeashamedtoconfess，"saidMrs。Bellmore，whowasnowenjoyingherbreakfast，"thatIwasn’tverymuchdisturbed。Ipresumeitwouldhavebeenthecustomarythingtoscreamandfaint，andhaveallofyourunningaboutinpicturesquecostumes。But，afterthefirstalarmwasover，Ireallycouldn’tworkmyselfuptoapanic。Theghostretiredfromthestagequietlyandpeacefully，afterdoingitslittleturn，andI
wenttosleepagain。"
Nearlyalllistened，politelyacceptedMrs。Bellmoresstoryasamade-upaffair，charitablyofferedasanoffsettotheunkindvisionseenbyMrs。
Fischer-Suympkins。Butoneortwopresentperceivedthatherassertionsborethegenuinestampofherownconvictions。Truthandcandourseemedtoattenduponeveryword。Evenascofferatghosts——ifhewereveryobservant——wouldhavebeenforcedtoadmitthatshehad，atleastinaveryvividdream，beenhonestlyawareoftheweirdvisitor。’
SoonMrs。Bellmore’smaidwaspacking。Intwohourstheautowouldcometoconveyhertothestation。AsTerencewasstrollingupontheeastpiazza，Mrs。Bellmorecameuptohim，withaconfidentialsparkleinhereye。
返回顶部