"Ivillnotgo，"hesaidangrily，"elseIshalltoldher。"

HemadeabassdrumofMissMartha’scounter。

"Youhafshpoiltme，"hecried，hisblueeyesblazingbehindhisspectacles。"Ivilltellyou。Youvasvon_meddingsomeoldcat_！"

MissMarthaleanedweaklyagainsttheshelvesandlaidonehandonherblue-dottedsilkwaist。Theyoungmantooktheotherbythecollar。

"Comeon，"hesaid，"you’vesaidenough。"Hedraggedtheangryoneoutatthedoortothesidewalk，andthencameback。

"Guessyououghttobetold，ma’am，"hesaid，"whattherowisabout。

That’sBlumberger。He’sanarchitecturaldraftsman。Iworkinthesameofficewithhim。

"He’sbeenworkinghardforthreemonthsdrawingaplanforanewcityhall。Itwasaprizecompetition。Hefinishedinkingthelinesyesterday。Youknow，adraftsmanalwaysmakeshisdrawinginpencilfirst。Whenit’sdoneherubsoutthepencillineswithhandfulsofstalebreadcrumbs。That’sbetterthanIndiarubber。

"Blumberger’sbeenbuyingthebreadhere。Well，to-day——well，youknow，ma’am，thatbutterisn’t——well，Blumberger’splanisn’tgoodforanythingnowexcepttocutupintorailroadsandwiches。"

MissMarthawentintothebackroom。Shetookofftheblue-dottedsilkwaistandputontheoldbrownsergesheusedtowear。Thenshepouredthequinceseedandboraxmixtureoutofthewindowintotheashcan。

IVTHEPRIDEOFTHECITIES

SaidMr。Kipling，"Thecitiesarefullofpride，challengingeachtoeach。"Evenso。

NewYorkwasempty。Twohundredthousandofitspeoplewereawayforthesummer。Threemillioneighthundredthousandremainedascaretakersandtopaythebillsoftheabsentees。Butthetwohundredthousandareanexpensivelot。

TheNewYorkersatataroof-gardentable，ingestingsolacethroughastraw。Hispanamalayuponachair。TheJulyaudiencewasscatteredamongvacantseatsaswidelyasoutfielderswhenthechampionbatterstepstotheplate。Vaudevillehappenedatintervals。Thebreezewascoolfromthebay；aroundandabove——everywhereexceptonthestage——werestars。Glimpsesweretobehadofwaiters，alwaysdisappearing，likestartledchamois。Prudentvisitorswhohadorderedrefreshmentsby’phoneinthemorningwerenowbeingserved。TheNewYorkerwasawareofcertaindrawbackstohiscomfort，butcontentbeamedsoftlyfromhisrimlesseyeglasses。Hisfamilywasoutoftown。Thedrinkswerewarm；theballetwassufferingfromlackofbothtuneandtalcum——buthisfamilywouldnotreturnuntilSeptember。

ThenupintothegardenstumbledthemanfromTopazCity，Nevada。Thegloomofthesolitarysightseerenwrappedhim。Bereftofjoythroughloneliness，hestalkedwithawidower’sfacethroughthehallsofpleasure。Thirstforhumancompanionshippossessedhimashepantedinthemetropolitandraught。StraighttotheNewYorker’stablehesteered。

TheNewYorker，disarmedandmaderecklessbythelawlessatmosphereofaroofgarden，decideduponutterabandonmentofhislife’straditions。Heresolvedtoshatterwithonerash，dare-devil，impulsive，hair-brainedacttheconventionsthathadhithertobeenwovenintohisexistence。Carryingoutthisradicalandprecipitousinspirationhenoddedslightlytothestrangerashedrewnearerthetable。

ThenextmomentfoundthemanfromTopazCityinthelistoftheNewYorker’sclosestfriends。Hetookachairatthetable，hegatheredtwoothersforhisfeet，hetossedhisbroad-brimmedhatuponafourth，andtoldhislife’shistorytohisnew-foundpard。

TheNewYorkerwarmedalittle，asanapartment-housefurnacewarmswhenthestrawberryseasonbegins。AwaiterwhocamewithinhailinanunguardedmomentwascapturedandparoledonanerrandtotheDoctorWileyexperimentalstation。Theballetwasnowinthemidstofamusicalvagary，anddanceduponthestageprogrammedasBolivianpeasants，clothedinsomeportionsofitsanatomyasNorwegianfishermaidens，inothersasladies-in-waitingofMarieAntoinette，historicallydenudedinotherportionssoastorepresentseanymphs，andpresentingthetoutensembleofasocialclubofCentralParkWesthousemaidsatafishfry。

"Beeninthecitylong？"inquiredtheNewYorker，gettingreadytheexacttipagainstthewaiter’scomingwithlargechangefromthebill。

"Me？"saidthemanfromTopazCity。"Fourdays。NeverinTopazCity，wasyou？"

"I！"saidtheNewYorker。"IwasneverfartherwestthanEighthAvenue。

IhadabrotherwhodiedonNinth，butImetthecortegeatEighth。Therewasabunchofvioletsonthehearse，andtheundertakermentionedtheincidenttoavoidmistake。IcannotsaythatIamfamiliarwiththeWest。"

"TopazCity，"saidthemanwhooccupiedfourchairs，"isoneofthefinesttownsintheworld。"

"Ipresumethatyouhaveseenthesightsofthemetropolis，"saidtheNewYorker，"Fourdaysisnotasufficientlengthoftimeinwhichtoviewevenourmostsalientpointsofinterest，butonecanpossiblyformageneralimpression。Ourarchitecturalsupremacyiswhatgenerallystrikesvisitorstoourcitymostforcibly。OfcourseyouhaveseenourFlatironBuilding。Itisconsidered——"

"Sawit，"saidthemanfromTopazCity。"Butyououghttocomeoutourway。It’smountainous，youknow，andtheladiesallwearshortskirtsforclimbingand——"

"Excuseme，"saidtheNewYorker，"butthatisn’texactlythepoint。NewYorkmustbeawonderfulrevelationtoavisitorfromtheWest。Now，astoourhotels——"

"Say，"saidthemanfromTopazCity，"thatremindsme——thereweresixteenstagerobbersshotlastyearwithintwentymilesof——"

"Iwasspeakingofhotels，"saidtheNewYorker。"WeleadEuropeinthatrespect。Andasfarasourleisureclassisconcernedwearefar——"

"Oh，Idon’tknow，"interruptedthemanfromTopazCity。"ThereweretwelvetrampsinourjailwhenIlefthome。IguessNewYorkisn’tso——"

"Begpardon，youseemtomisapprehendtheidea。Ofcourse，youvisitedtheStockExchangeandWallStreet，wherethe——"

"Oh，yes，"saidthemanfromTopazCity，ashelightedaPennsylvaniastogie，"andIwanttotellyouchatwe’vegotthefinesttownmarshalwestoftheRockies。BillRainerhetookinfivepickpocketsoutofthecrowdwhenRedNoseThompsonlaidthecornerstoneofhisnewsaloon。

TopazCitydon’tallow——"

"HaveanotherRhinewineandseltzer，"suggestedtheNewYorker。"I’veneverbeenWest，asIsaid；buttherecan’tbeanyplaceouttheretocomparewithNewYork。AstotheclaimsofChicagoI——"

"Oneman，"saidtheTopazite——"onemanonlyhasbeenmurderedandrobbedinTopazCityinthelastthree——"

"Oh，IknowwhatChicagois，"interposedtheNewYorker。"HaveyoubeenupFifthAvenuetoseethemagnificentresidencesofourmil——"

"Seen’emall。YououghttoknowReubStegall，theassessorofTopaz。

WhenoldmanTilbury，thatownstheonlytwo-storyhouseintown，triedtoswearhistaxesfrom$6，000downto$450。75，Reubbuckledonhisforty-fiveandwentdowntosee——"

"Yes，yes，butspeakingofourgreatcity——oneofitsgreatestfeaturesisoursuperbpolicedepartment。Thereisnobodyofmenintheworldthatcanequalitfor——"

"ThatwaitergetsaroundlikeaLangleyflyingmachine，"remarkedthemanfromTopazCity，thirstily。"We’vegotmeninourtown，too，worth$400，000。There’soldBillWithersandColonelMetcalfand——"

"HaveyouseenBroadwayatnight？"askedtheNewYorker，courteously。

"Therearefewstreetsintheworldthatcancomparewithit。Whentheelectricsareshiningandthepavementsarealivewithtwohurryingstreamsofelegantlyclothedmenandbeautifulwomenattiredinthecostliestcostumesthatwindinandoutinaclosemazeofexpensively——"

"NeverknewbutonecaseinTopazCity，"saidthemanfromtheWest。"JimBailey，ourmayor，hadhiswatchandchainand$235incashtakenfromhispocketwhile——"

"That’sanothermatter，"saidtheNewYorker。"Whileyouareinourcityyoushouldavailyourselfofeveryopportunitytoseeitswonders。Ourrapidtransitsystem——"

"IfyouwasoutinTopaz，"brokeinthemanfromthere，"Icouldshowyouawholecemeteryfullofpeoplethatgotkilledaccidentally。Talkingaboutmanglingfolksup！why，whenBerryRogersturnedloosethatolddouble-barrelledshot-gunofhisloaded’withslugsatanybody——"

"Here，waiter！"calledtheNewYorker。"Twomoreofthesame。Itisacknowledgedbyeveryonethatourcityisthecentreofart，andliterature，andlearning。Take，forinstance，ourafter-dinnerspeakers。

WhereelseinthecountrywouldyoufindsuchwitandeloquenceasemanatefromDepewandFord，and——"

"Ifyoutakethepapers，"interruptedtheWesterner，"youmusthavereadofPeteWebster’sdaughter。TheWebsterslivetwoblocksnorthofthecourt-houseinTopazCity。MissTillieWebster，shesleptfortydaysandnightswithoutwakingup。Thedoctorssaidthat——"

"Passthematches，please，"saidtheNewYorker。"HaveyouobservedtheexpeditionwithwhichnewbuildingsarebeingrunupinNewYork？

Improvedinventionsinsteelframeworkand——"

"Inoticed，"saidtheNevadian，"thatthestatisticsofTopazCityshowedonlyonecarpentercrushedbyfallingtimberslastyearandhewascaughtinacyclone。"

"Theyabuseourskyline，"continuedtheNewYorker，"anditislikelythatwearenotyetartisticintheconstructionofourbuildings。ButI

cansafelyassertthatweleadinpictorialanddecorativeart。Insomeofourhousescanbefoundmasterpiecesinthewayofpaintingsandsculpture。Onewhohastheentreetoourbestgallerieswillfind——"

"Backup，"exclaimedthemanfromTopazCity。"Therewasagamelastmonthinourtowninwhich$90，000changedhandsonapairof——"

"Ta-romt-tara！"wenttheorchestra。Thestagecurtain，blushingpinkatthename"Asbestos"inscribeduponit，camedownwithaslowmidsummermovement。Theaudiencetrickledleisurelydowntheelevatorandstairs。

Onthesidewalkbelow，theNewYorkerandthemanfromTopazCityshookhandswithalcoholicgravity。Theelevatedcrashedraucously，surfacecarshummedandclanged，cabmenswore，newsboysshrieked，wheelsclatteredear-piercingly。TheNewYorkerconceivedahappythought，withwhichheaspiredtoclinchthepre-eminenceofhiscity。

"Youmustadmit，"saidhe，"thatinthewayofnoiseNewYorkisfaraheadofanyother——"

"Backtotheeverglades！"saidthemanfromTopazCity。"In1900，whenSousa’sbandandtherepeatingcandidatewereinourtownyoucouldn’t——"

Therattleofanexpresswagondrownedtherestofthewords。

VHOLDINGUPATRAIN

[Note。ThemanwhotoldmethesethingswasforseveralyearsanoutlawintheSouthwestandafollowerofthepursuithesofranklydescribes。

Hisdescriptionofthe_modus__operandi_shouldproveinteresting，hiscounselofvaluetothepotentialpassengerinsomefuture"hold-up，"

whilehisestimateofthepleasuresoftrainrobbingwillhardlyinduceanyonetoadoptitasaprofession。Igivethestoryinalmostexactlyhisownwords。O。H。]

Mostpeoplewouldsay，iftheiropinionwasaskedfor，thatholdingupatrainwouldbeahardjob。Well，itisn’t；it’seasy。Ihavecontributedsometotheuneasinessofrailroadsandtheinsomniaofexpresscompanies，andthemosttroubleIeverhadaboutahold-upwasinbeingswindledbyunscrupulouspeoplewhilespendingthemoneyIgot。Thedangerwasn’tanythingtospeakof，andwedidn’tmindthetrouble。

Onemanhascomeprettynearrobbingatrainbyhimself；twohavesucceededafewtimes；threecandoitiftheyarehustlers，butfiveisabouttherightnumber。Thetimetodoitandtheplacedependuponseveralthings。

Thefirst"stick-up"Iwaseverinhappenedin1890。MaybethewayIgotintoitwillexplainhowmosttrainrobbersstartinthebusiness。FiveoutofsixWesternoutlawsarejustcowboysoutofajobandgonewrong。

ThesixthisatoughfromtheEastwhodressesuplikeabadmanandplayssomelow-downtrickthatgivestheboysabadname。Wirefencesand"nesters"madefiveofthem；abadheartmadethesixth。JimS——andI

wereworkingonthe101RanchinColorado。Thenestershadthecowmanonthego。Theyhadtakenupthelandandelectedofficerswhowerehardtogetalongwith。JimandIrodeintoLaJuntaoneday，goingsouthfromaround-up。Wewerehavingalittlefunwithoutmalicetowardany-bodywhenafarmeradministrationcutinandtriedtoharvestus。Jimshotadeputymarshal，andIkindofcorroboratedhissideoftheargument。Weskirmishedupanddownthemainstreet，theboomershavingbadluckallthetime。AfterawhileweleanedforwardandshovedfortheranchdownontheCeriso。Wewereridingacoupleofhorsesthatcouldn’tfly，buttheycouldcatchbirds。

Afewdaysafterthat，agangoftheLaJuntaboomerscametotheranchandwantedustogobackwiththem。Naturally，wedeclined。Wehadthehouseonthem，andbeforeweweredonerefusing，thatold’dobewasplumbfulloflead。Whendarkcamewefagged’emabatchofbulletsandshovedoutthebackdoorfortherocks。Theysuresmokedusaswewent。Wehadtodrift，whichwedid，androundedupdowninOklahoma。

Well，therewasn’tanythingwecouldgetthere，and，beingmightyhardup，wedecidedtotransactalittlebusinesswiththerailroads。JimandI

joinedforceswithTomandIkeMoore——twobrotherswhohadplentyofsandtheywerewillingtoconvertintodust。Icancalltheirnames，forbothofthemaredead。TomwasshotwhilerobbingabankinArkansas；IkewaskilledduringthemoredangerouspastimeofattendingadanceintheCreekNation。

WeselectedaplaceontheSantaFewheretherewasabridgeacrossadeepcreeksurroundedbyheavytimber。Allpassengertrainstookwateratthetankclosetooneendofthebridge。Itwasaquietplace，thenearesthousebeingfivemilesaway。Thedaybeforeithappened，werestedourhorsesand"mademedicine"astohowweshouldgetaboutit。Ourplanswerenotatallelaborate，asnoneofushadeverengagedinahold-upbefore。

TheSantaFeflyerwasdueatthetankat11。15P。M。Ateleven，TomandIlaydownononesideofthetrack，andJimandIketooktheother。Asthetrainrolledup，theheadlightflashingfardownthetrackandthesteamhissingfromtheengine，Iturnedweakallover，Iwouldhaveworkedawholeyearontheranchfornothingtohavebeenoutofthataffairrightthen。Someofthenerviestmeninthebusinesshavetoldmethattheyfeltthesamewaythefirsttime。

TheenginehadhardlystoppedwhenIjumpedontherunning-boardononeside，whileJimmountedtheother。Assoonastheengineerandfiremansawourgunstheythrewuptheirhandswithoutbeingtold，andbeggedusnottoshoot，sayingtheywoulddoanythingwewantedthemto。

"Hittheground，"Iordered，andtheybothjumpedoff。Wedrovethembeforeusdownthesideofthetrain。Whilethiswashappening，TomandIkehadbeenblazingaway，oneoneachsideofthetrain，yellinglikeApaches，soastokeepthepassengersherdedinthecars。Somefellowstuckalittletwenty-twocalibreoutoneofthecoachwindowsandfireditstraightupintheair。Iletdriveandsmashedtheglassjustoverhishead。Thatsettledeverythinglikeresistancefromthatdirection。

Bythistimeallmynervousnesswasgone。IfeltakindofpleasantexcitementasifIwereatadanceorafrolicofsomesort。Thelightswerealloutinthecoaches，and，asTomandIkegraduallyquitfiringandyelling，itgottobealmostasstillasagraveyard。Irememberhearingalittlebirdchirpinginabushatthesideofthetrack，asifitwerecomplainingatbeingwakedup。

Imadethefiremangetalantern，andthenIwenttotheexpresscarandyelledtothemessengertoopenuporgetperforated。Heslidthedoorbackandstoodinitwithhishandsup。"Jumpoverboard，son，"Isaid，andhehitthedirtlikealumpoflead。Thereweretwosafesinthecar——abigoneandalittleone。Bytheway，Ifirstlocatedthemessenger’sarsenal——adouble-barrelledshot-gunwithbuckshotcartridgesandathirty-eightinadrawer。Idrewthecartridgesfromtheshot-gun，pocketedthepistol，andcalledthemessengerinside。Ishovedmygunagainsthisnoseandputhimtowork。Hecouldn’topenthebigsafe，buthedidthelittleone。Therewasonlyninehundreddollarsinit。Thatwasmightysmallwinningsforourtrouble，sowedecidedtogothroughthepassengers。Wetookourprisonerstothesmoking-car，andfromtheresenttheengineerthroughthetraintolightupthecoaches。

Beginningwiththefirstone，weplacedamanateachdoorandorderedthepassengerstostandbetweentheseatswiththeirhandsup。

Ifyouwanttofindoutwhatcowardsthemajorityofmenare，allyouhavetodoisrobapassengertrain。Idon’tmeanbecausetheydon’tresist——

I’lltellyoulateronwhytheycan’tdothat——butitmakesamanfeelsorryforthemthewaytheylosetheirheads。Big，burlydrummersandfarmersandex-soldiersandhigh-collareddudesandsportsthat，afewmomentsbefore，werefillingthecarwithnoiseandbragging，getsoscaredthattheirearsflop。

Therewereveryfewpeopleinthedaycoachesatthattimeofnight，sowemadeaslimhauluntilwegottothesleeper。ThePullmanconductormetmeatonedoorwhileJimwasgoingroundtotheotherone。HeverypolitelyinformedmethatIcouldnotgointothatcar，asitdidnotbelongtotherailroadcompany，and，besides，thepassengershadalreadybeengreatlydisturbedbytheshoutingandfiring。NeverinallmylifehaveImetwithafinerinstanceofofficialdignityandrelianceuponthepowerofMr。Pull-man’sgreatname。Ijabbedmysix-shootersohardagainstMr。Conductor’sfrontthatIafterwardfoundoneofhisvestbuttonssofirmlywedgedintheendofthebarrelthatIhadtoshootitout。Hejustshutuplikeaweak-springedknifeandrolleddownthecarsteps。

Iopenedthedoorofthesleeperandsteppedinside。Abig，fatoldmancamewabblinguptome，puffingandblowing。Hehadonecoat-sleeveonandwastryingtoputhisvestonoverthat。Idon’tknowwhohethoughtIwas。

"Youngman，youngman，"sayshe，"youmustkeepcoolandnotgetexcited。

Aboveeverything，keepcool。"

"Ican’t，"saysI。"Excitement’sjusteatingmeup。"AndthenIletoutayellandturnedloosemyforty-fivethroughtheskylight。

Thatoldmantriedtodiveintooneofthelowerberths，butascreechcameoutofitandabarefootthattookhiminthebread-basketandlandedhimonthefloor。IsawJimcomingintheotherdoor，andI

holleredforeverybodytoclimboutandlineup。

Theycommencedtoscrambledown，andforawhilewehadathree-ringedcircus。Themenlookedasfrightenedandtameasalotofrabbitsinadeepsnow。Theyhadon，onanaverage，aboutaquarterofasuitofclothesandoneshoeapiece。Onechapwassittingontheflooroftheaisle，lookingasifhewereworkingahardsuminarithmetic。Hewastrying，verysolemn，topullalady’snumbertwoshoeonhisnumberninefoot。

Theladiesdidn’tstoptodress。Theyweresocurioustoseeareal，livetrainrobber，bless’em，thattheyjustwrappedblanketsandsheetsaroundthemselvesandcameout，squeakyandfidgetylooking。Theyalwaysshowmorecuriosityandsandthanthemendo。

Wegotthemalllinedupandprettyquiet，andIwentthroughthebunch。

Ifoundverylittleonthem——Imeaninthewayofvaluables。Onemaninthelinewasasight。Hewasoneofthosebig，overgrown，solemnsnoozersthatsitontheplatformatlecturesandlookwise。Beforecrawlingouthehadmanagedtoputonhislong，frock-tailedcoatandhishighsilkhat。Therestofhimwasnothingbutpajamasandbunions。WhenIdugintothatPrinceAlbert，IexpectedtodragoutatleastablockofgoldminestockoranarmfulofGovernmentbonds，butallIfoundwasalittleboy’sFrenchharpaboutfourincheslong。Whatitwastherefor，Idon’tknow。Ifeltalittlemadbecausehehadfooledmeso。Istucktheharpupagainsthismouth。

"Ifyoucan’tpay——play，"Isays。

"Ican’tplay，"sayshe。

"Thenlearnrightoffquick，"saysI，lettinghimsmelltheendofmygun-barrel。

Hecaughtholdoftheharp，turnedredasabeet，andcommencedtoblow。

HeblewadinkylittletuneIrememberedhearingwhenIwasakid：

Prettiestlittlegalinthecountry——oh！

MammyandDaddytoldmeso。

Imadehimkeeponplayingitallthetimewewereinthecar。Nowandthenhe’dgetweakandoffthekey，andI’dturnmygunonhimandaskwhatwasthematterwiththatlittlegal，andwhetherhehadanyintentionofgoingbackonher，whichwouldmakehimstartupagainlikesixty。I

thinkthatoldboystandingthereinhissilkhatandbarefeet，playinghislittleFrenchharp，wasthefunniestsightIeversaw。Onelittlered-headedwomaninthelinebrokeoutlaughingathim。Youcouldhaveheardherinthenextcar。

ThenJimheldthemsteadywhileIsearchedtheberths。Igrappledaroundinthosebedsandfilledapillow-casewiththestrangestassortmentofstuffyoueversaw。NowandthenI’dcomeacrossalittlepop-gunpistol，justaboutrightforpluggingteethwith，whichI’dthrowoutthewindow。

WhenIfinishedwiththecollection，Idumpedthepillow-caseloadinthemiddleoftheaisle。Therewereagoodmanywatches，bracelets，rings，andpocket-books，withasprinklingoffalseteeth，whiskeyflasks，face-powderboxes，chocolatecaramels，andheadsofhairofvariouscoloursandlengths。Therewerealsoaboutadozenladies’stockingsintowhichjewellery，watches，androllsofbillshadbeenstuffedandthenwaddeduptightandstuckunderthemattresses。IofferedtoreturnwhatIcalledthe"scalps，"sayingthatwewerenotIndiansonthewar-path，butnoneoftheladiesseemedtoknowtowhomthehairbelonged。

Oneofthewomen——andagood-lookershewas——wrappedinastripedblanket，sawmepickuponeofthestockingsthatwasprettychunkyandheavyaboutthetoe，andshesnappedout：

"That’smine，sir。You’renotinthebusinessofrobbingwomen，areyou？"

Now，asthiswasourfirsthold-up，wehadn’tagreeduponanycodeofethics，soIhardlyknewwhattoanswer。But，anyway，Ireplied："Well，notasaspecialty。Ifthiscontainsyourpersonalpropertyyoucanhaveitback。"

"Itjustdoes，"shedeclaredeagerly，andreachedoutherhandforit。

"You’llexcusemytakingalookatthecontents，"Isaid，holdingthestockingupbythetoe。Outdumpedabiggent’sgoldwatch，worthtwohundred，agent’sleatherpocket-bookthatweafterwardfoundtocontainsixhundreddollars，a32-calibrerevolver；andtheonlythingofthelotthatcouldhavebeenalady’spersonalpropertywasasilverbraceletworthaboutfiftycents。

Isaid："Madame，here’syourproperty，"andhandedherthebracelet。

"Now，"Iwenton，"howcanyouexpectustoactsquarewithyouwhenyoutrytodeceiveusinthismanner？I’msurprisedatsuchconduct。"

Theyoungwomanflushedupasifshehadbeencaughtdoingsomethingdishonest。Someotherwomandownthelinecalledout："Themeanthing！"I

neverknewwhethershemeanttheotherladyorme。

Whenwefinishedourjobweorderedeverybodybacktobed，told’emgoodnightverypolitelyatthedoor，andleft。Werodefortymilesbeforedaylightandthendividedthestuff。Eachoneofusgot$1，752。85inmoney。Welumpedthejewelleryaround。Thenwescattered，eachmanforhimself。

Thatwasmyfirsttrainrobbery，anditwasaboutaseasilydoneasanyoftheonesthatfollowed。ButthatwasthelastandonlytimeIeverwentthroughthepassengers。Idon’tlikethatpartofthebusiness。

AfterwardIstuckstrictlytotheexpresscar。DuringthenexteightyearsIhandledagooddealofmoney。

ThebesthaulImadewasjustsevenyearsafterthefirstone。WefoundoutaboutatrainthatwasgoingtobringoutalotofmoneytopayoffthesoldiersataGovernmentpost。Westuckthattrainupinbroaddaylight。Fiveofuslayinthesandhillsnearalittlestation。Tensoldierswereguardingthemoneyonthetrain，buttheymightjustaswellhavebeenathomeonafurlough。Wedidn’tevenallowthemtosticktheirheadsoutthewindowstoseethefun。Wehadnotroubleatallingettingthemoney，whichwasallingold。Ofcourse，abighowlwasraisedatthetimeabouttherobbery。ItwasGovernmentstuff，andtheGovernmentgotsarcasticandwantedtoknowwhattheconvoyofsoldierswentalongfor。

Theonlyexcusegivenwasthatnobodywasexpectinganattackamongthosebaresandhillsindaytime。Idon’tknowwhattheGovernmentthoughtabouttheexcuse，butIknowthatitwasagoodone。Thesurprise——thatisthekeynoteofthetrain-robbingbusiness。Thepaperspublishedallkindsofstoriesabouttheloss，finallyagreeingthatitwasbetweenninethousandandtenthousanddollars。TheGovernmentsawedwood。Herearethecorrectfigures，printedforthefirsttime——forty-eightthousanddollars。IfanybodywilltakethetroubletolookoverUncleSam’sprivateaccountsforthatlittledebittoprofitandloss，hewillfindthatIamrighttoacent。

Bythattimewewereexpertenoughtoknowwhattodo。Werodeduewesttwentymiles，makingatrailthataBroadwaypolicemancouldhavefollowed，andthenwedoubledback，hidingourtracks。Onthesecondnightafterthehold-up，whileposseswerescouringthecountryineverydirection，JimandIwereeatingsupperinthesecondstoryofafriend’shouseinthetownwherethealarmstartedfrom。Ourfriendpointedouttous，inanofficeacrossthestreet，aprintingpressatworkstrikingoffhandbillsofferingarewardforourcapture。

Ihavebeenaskedwhatwedowiththemoneyweget。Well，Inevercouldaccountforatenthpartofitafteritwasspent。Itgoesfastandfreely。Anoutlawhastohaveagoodmanyfriends。Ahighlyrespectedcitizenmay，andoftendoes，getalongwithveryfew，butamanonthedodgehasgottohave"sidekickers。"Withangrypossesandreward-hungryofficerscuttingoutahottrailforhim，hemusthaveafewplacesscatteredaboutthecountrywherehecanstopandfeedhimselfandhishorseandgetafewhours’sleepwithouthavingtokeepbotheyesopen。

Whenhemakesahaulhefeelslikedroppingsomeofthecoinwiththesefriends，andhedoesitliberally。SometimesIhave，attheendofahastyvisitatoneofthesehavensofrefuge，flungahandfulofgoldandbillsintothelapsofthekidsplayingonthefloor，withoutknowingwhethermycontributionwasahundreddollarsorathousand。

Whenold-timersmakeabighaultheygenerallygofarawaytooneofthebigcitiestospendtheirmoney。Greenhands，howeversuccessfulahold-uptheymake，nearlyalwaysgivethemselvesawaybyshowingtoomuchmoneyneartheplacewheretheygotit。

Iwasinajobin’94wherewegottwentythousanddollars。Wefollowedourfavouriteplanforaget-away——thatis，doubledonourtrail——andlaidlowforatimenearthesceneofthetrain’sbadluck。OnemorningI

pickedupanewspaperandreadanarticlewithbigheadlinesstatingthatthemarshal，witheightdeputiesandaposseofthirtyarmedcitizens，hadthetrainrobberssurroundedinamesquitethicketontheCimarron，andthatitwasaquestionofonlyafewhourswhentheywouldbedeadmenorprisoners。WhileIwasreadingthatarticleIwassittingatbreakfastinoneofthemostelegantprivateresidencesinWashingtonCity，withaflunkyinkneepantsstandingbehindmychair。Jimwassittingacrossthetabletalkingtohishalf-uncle，aretirednavalofficer，whosenameyouhaveoftenseenintheaccountsofdoingsinthecapital。Wehadgonethereandboughtrattlingoutfitsofgoodclothes，andwererestingfromourlaboursamongthenabobs。Wemusthavebeenkilledinthatmesquitethicket，forIcanmakeanaffidavitthatwedidn’tsurrender。

NowIproposetotellwhyitiseasytoholdupatrain，and，then，whynooneshouldeverdoit。

Inthefirstplace，theattackingpartyhasalltheadvantage。Thatis，ofcourse，supposingthattheyareold-timerswiththenecessaryexperienceandcourage。Theyhavetheoutsideandareprotectedbythedarkness，whiletheothersareinthelight，hemmedintoasmallspace，andexposed，themomenttheyshowaheadatawindowordoor，totheaimofamanwhoisadeadshotandwhowon’thesitatetoshoot。

But，inmyopinion，themainconditionthatmakestrainrobbingeasyistheelementofsurpriseinconnectionwiththeimaginationofthepassengers。IfyouhaveeverseenahorsethathaseatenlocoweedyouwillunderstandwhatImeanwhenIsaythatthepassengersgetlocoed。

Thathorsegetstheawfullestimaginationonhimintheworld。Youcan’tcoaxhimtocrossalittlebranchstreamtwofeetwide。ItlooksasbigtohimastheMississippiRiver。That’sjustthewaywiththepassenger。

Hethinksthereareahundredmenyellingandshootingoutside，whenmaybethereareonlytwoorthree。Andthemuzzleofaforty-fivelooksliketheentrancetoatunnel。Thepassengerisallright，althoughhemaydomeanlittletricks，likehidingawadofmoneyinhisshoeandforgettingtodig-upuntilyoujostlehisribssomewiththeendofyoursix-shooter；

butthere’snoharminhim。

Astothetraincrew，weneverhadanymoretroublewiththemthaniftheyhadbeensomanysheep。Idon’tmeanthattheyarecowards；Imeanthattheyhavegotsense。Theyknowthey’renotupagainstabluff。It’sthesamewaywiththeofficers。I’veseensecretservicemen，marshals，andrailroaddetectivesforkovertheirchangeasmeekasMoses。IsawoneofthebravestmarshalsIeverknewhidehisgununderhisseatanddigupalongwiththerestwhileIwastakingtoll。Hewasn’tafraid；hesimplyknewthatwehadthedroponthewholeoutfit。Besides，manyofthoseofficershavefamiliesandtheyfeelthattheyoughtn’ttotakechances；

whereasdeathhasnoterrorsforthemanwhoholdsupatrain。Heexpectstogetkilledsomeday，andhegenerallydoes。Myadvicetoyou，ifyoushouldeverbeinahold-up，istolineupwiththecowardsandsaveyourbraveryforanoccasionwhenitmaybeofsomebenefittoyou。Anotherreasonwhyofficersarebackwardaboutmixingthingswithatrainrobberisafinancialone。Everytimethereisascrimmageandsomebodygetskilled，theofficerslosemoney。IfthetrainrobbergetsawaytheyswearoutawarrantagainstJohnDoeetal。andtravelhundredsofmilesandsignvouchersforthousandsonthetrailofthefugitives，andtheGovernmentfootsthebills。So，withthem，itisaquestionofmileageratherthancourage。

Iwillgiveoneinstancetosupportmystatementthatthesurpriseisthebestcardinplayingforahold-up。

Alongin’92theDaltonswerecuttingoutahottrailfortheofficersdownintheCherokeeNation，Thoseweretheirluckydays，andtheygotsorecklessandsandy，thattheyusedtoannouncebeforehandwhatjobtheyweregoingtoundertake。OncetheygaveitoutthattheyweregoingtoholduptheM。K。&T。flyeronacertainnightatthestationofPryorCreek，inIndianTerritory。

ThatnighttherailroadcompanygotfifteendeputymarshalsinMuscogeeandputthemonthetrain。BesidethemtheyhadfiftyarmedmenhidinthedepotatPryorCreek。

WhentheKatyFlyerpulledinnotaDaltonshowedup。ThenextstationwasAdair，sixmilesaway。Whenthetrainreachedthere，andthedeputieswerehavingagoodtimeexplainingwhattheywouldhavedonetotheDaltongangiftheyhadturnedup，allatonceitsoundedlikeanarmyfiringoutside。Theconductorandbrakemancamerunningintothecaryelling，"Trainrobbers！"

Someofthosedeputieslitoutofthedoor，hittheground，andkeptonrunning。SomeofthemhidtheirWinchestersundertheseats。Twoofthemmadeafightandwerebothkilled。

IttooktheDaltonsjusttenminutestocapturethetrainandwhiptheescort。Intwentyminutesmoretheyrobbedtheexpresscaroftwenty-seventhousanddollarsandmadeacleanget-away。

MyopinionisthatthosedeputieswouldhaveputupastifffightatPryorCreek，wheretheywereexpectingtrouble，buttheyweretakenbysurpriseand"locoed"atAdair，justastheDaltons，whoknewtheirbusiness，expectedtheywould。

Idon’tthinkIoughttoclosewithoutgivingsomedeductionsfrommyexperienceofeightyears"onthedodge。"Itdoesn’tpaytorobtrains。

Leavingoutthequestionofrightandmorals，whichIdon’tthinkIoughttotackle，thereisverylittletoenvyinthelifeofanoutlaw。Afterawhilemoneyceasestohaveanyvalueinhiseyes。Hegetstolookingupontherailroadsandexpresscompaniesashisbankers，andhissix-shooterasachequebookgoodforanyamount。Hethrowsawaymoneyrightandleft。

Mostofthetimeheisonthejump，ridingdayandnight，andhelivessohardbetweentimesthathedoesn’tenjoythetasteofhighlifewhenhegetsit。Heknowsthathistimeisboundtocometolosehislifeorliberty，andthattheaccuracyofhisaim，thespeedofhishorse，andthefidelityofhis"sider，"areallthatpostponetheinevitable。

Itisn’tthathelosesanysleepoverdangerfromtheofficersofthelaw。InallmyexperienceIneverknewofficerstoattackabandofoutlawsunlesstheyoutnumberedthematleastthreetoone。

Buttheoutlawcarriesonethoughtconstantlyinhismind——andthatiswhatmakeshimsosoreagainstlife，morethananythingelse——heknowswherethemarshalsgettheirrecruitsofdeputies。Heknowsthatthemajorityoftheseupholdersofthelawwereoncelawbreakers，horsethieves，rustlers，highwaymen，andoutlawslikehimself，andthattheygamedtheirpositionsandimmunitybyturningstate’sevidence，byturningtraitoranddeliveringuptheircomradestoimprisonmentanddeath。Heknowsthatsomeday——unlessheisshotfirst——hisJudaswillsettowork，thetrapwillbelaid，andhewillbethesurprisedinsteadofasurpriseratastick-up。

Thatiswhythemanwhoholdsuptrainspickshiscompanywithathousandtimesthecarewithwhichacarefulgirlchoosesasweetheart。Thatiswhyheraiseshimselffromhisblanketofnightsandlistenstothetreadofeveryhorse’shoofsonthedistantroad。Thatiswhyhebroodssuspiciouslyfordaysuponajestingremarkoranunusualmovementofatriedcomrade，orthebrokenmutteringsofhisclosestfriend，sleepingbyhisside。

Anditisoneofthereasonswhythetrain-robbingprofessionisnotsopleasantaoneaseitherofitscollateralbranches——politicsorcorneringthemarket。

VIULYSSESANDTHEDOGMAN

Doyouknowthetimeofthedogmen？

Whentheforefingeroftwilightbeginstosmudgetheclear-drawnlinesoftheBigCitythereisinauguratedanhourdevotedtooneofthemostmelancholysightsofurbanlife。

OutfromthetoweringflatcragsandapartmentpeaksofthecliffdwellersofNewYorkstealsanarmyofbeingsthatwereoncemen，Evenyettheygouprightupontwolimbsandretainhumanformandspeech；butyouwillobservethattheyarebehindanimalsinprogress。Eachofthesebeingsfollowsadog，towhichheisfastenedbyanartificialligament。

ThesemenareallvictimstoCirce。NotwillinglydotheybecomeflunkeystoFido，bellboystobullterriers，andtoddlersafterTowzer。ModernCirce，insteadofturningthemintoanimals，haskindlyleftthedifferenceofasix-footleashbetweenthem。Everyoneofthosedogmenhasbeeneithercajoled，bribed，orcommandedbyhisownparticularCircetotakethedearhouseholdpetoutforanairing。

Bytheirfacesandmanneryoucantellthatthedogmenareboundinahopelessenchantment。Neverwilltherecomeevenadog-catcherUlyssestoremovethespell。

Thefacesofsomearestonilyset。Theyarepastthecommiseration，thecuriosity，orthejeersoftheirfellow-beings。Yearsofmatrimony，ofcontinuouscompulsorycanineconstitutionals，havemadethemcallous。

Theyunwindtheirbeastsfromlampposts，ortheensnaredlegsofprofanepedestrians，withthestolidityofmandarinsmanipulatingthestringsoftheirkites。

Others，morerecentlyreducedtotheranksofRover’sretinue，taketheirmedicinesulkilyandfiercely。Theyplaythedogontheendoftheirlinewiththepleasurefeltbythegirloutfishingwhenshecatchesasea-robinonherhook。Theyglareatyouthreateninglyifyoulookatthem，asifitwouldbetheirdelighttoletslipthedogsofwar。Thesearehalf-mutinousdogmen，notquiteCirce-ized，andyouwilldowellnottokicktheircharges，shouldtheysniffaroundyourankles。

Othersofthetribedonotseemtofeelsokeenly。Theyaremostlyunfreshyouths，withgoldcapsanddroopingcigarettes，whodonotharmonizewiththeirdogs。Theanimalstheyattendwearsatinbowsintheircollars；andtheyoungmensteerthemsoassiduouslythatyouaretemptedtothetheorythatsomepersonaladvantage，contingentuponsatisfactoryservice，waitsupontheexecutionoftheirduties。

Thedogsthuspersonallyconductedareofmanyvarieties；buttheyareoneinfatness，inpampered，diseasedvilenessoftemper，ininsolent，snarlingcapriciousnessofbehaviour。Theytugattheleashfractiously，theymakeleisurelynasalinventoryofeverydoorstep，railing，andpost。Theysitdowntorestwhentheychoose；theywheezelikethewinnerofaThirdAvenuebeefsteak-eatingcontest；theyblunderclumsilyintoopencellarsandcoalholes；theyleadthedogmenamerrydance。

Theseunfortunatedrynursesofdogdom，thecurcuddlers，mongrelmanagers，Spitzstalkers，poodlepullers，Skyescrapers，dachshunddandlers，terriertrailersandPomeranianpushersofthecliff-dwellingCircesfollowtheirchargesmeekly。Thedoggiesneitherfearnorrespectthem。Mastersofthehousethesemenwhomtheyholdinleashmaybe，buttheyarenotmastersofthem。Fromcoseycornertofireescape，fromdivantodumbwaiter，doggy’ssnarleasilydrivesthistwo-leggedbeingwhoiscommissionedtowalkattheotherendofhisstringduringhisouting。

OnetwilightthedogmencameforthasusualattheirCirces’pleading，guerdon，orcrackofthewhip。Oneamongthemwasastrongman，apparentlyoftoosolidvirtuesforthisairyvocation。Hisexpressionwasmelancholic，hismannerdepressed。Hewasleashedtoavilewhitedog，loathsomelyfat，fiendishlyill-natured，gloatinglyintractabletowardhisdespisedconductor。

Atacornernearesttohisapartmenthousethedogmanturneddownasidestreet，hopingforfewerwitnessestohisignominy。Thesurfeitedbeastwaddledbeforehim，pantingwithspleenandthelabourofmotion。

Suddenlythedogstopped。Atall，brown，long-coated，wide-brimmedmanstoodlikeaColossusblockingthesidewalkanddeclaring：

"Well，I’masonofagun！"

"JimBerry！"breathedthedogman，withexclamationpointsinhisvoice。

"SamTelfair，"criedWide-Brimagain，"youding-bastedoldwilly-walloo，giveusyourhoof！"

Theirhandsclaspedinthebrief，tightgreetingoftheWestthatisdeathtothehand-shakemicrobe。

"Youoldfatrascal！"continuedWide-Brim，withawrinkledbrownsmile；

"it’sbeenfiveyearssinceIseenyou。Ibeeninthistownaweek，butyoucan’tfindnobodyinsuchaplace。Well，youdingedoldmarriedman，howaretheycoming？"

SomethingmushyandheavilysoftlikeraiseddoughleanedagainstJim’slegandchewedhistrouserswithayeastygrowl。

"Gettowork，"saidJim，"andexplainthisyard-widehydrophobiayearlingyou’vethrowedyourlassoover。Areyouthepound-masterofthisburg？

Doyoucallthatadogorwhat？"

"Ineedadrink，"saidthedogman，dejectedatthereminderofhisolddogofthesea。"Comeon。"

Hardbywasacafe。’Tiseversointhebigcity。

Theysatatatable，andthebloatedmonsteryelpedandscrambledattheendofhisleashtogetatthecafecat。

"Whiskey，"saidJimtothewaiter。

"Makeittwo，"saidthedogman。

"You’refatter，"saidJim，"andyoulooksubjugated。Idon’tknowabouttheEastagreeingwithyou。AlltheboysaskedmetohuntyouupwhenI

started，SandyKing，hewenttotheKlondike。WatsonBurrel，hemarriedtheoldestPetersgirl。Imadesomemoneybuyingbeeves，andIboughtalotofwildlandupontheLittlePowder。Goingtofencenextfall。BillRawlins，he’sgonetofarming。YourememberBill，ofcourse——hewascourtingMarcella——excuseme，Sam——Imeantheladyyoumarried，whileshewasteachingschoolatPrairieView。Butyouwastheluckyman。HowisMissisTelfair？"

"S-h-h-h！"saidthedogman，signallingthewaiter；"giveitaname。"

"Whiskey，"saidJim。

"Makeittwo，"saidthedogman。

"She’swell，"hecontinued，afterhischaser。"SherefusedtoliveanywherebutinNewYork，whereshecamefrom。Weliveinaflat。EveryeveningatsixItakethatdogoutforawalk。It’sMarcella’spet。

Thereneverweretwoanimalsonearth，Jim，thathatedoneanotherlikemeandthatdogdoes。Hisname’sLovekins。Marcelladressesfordinnerwhilewe’reout。Weeattabbledote。Evertryoneofthem，Jim？"

"No，Inever，"saidJim。"Iseenthesigns，butIthoughttheysaid’tabledehole。’IthoughtitwasFrenchforpooltables。Howdoesittaste？"

"Ifyou’regoingtobeinthecityforawhilewewill——"

"No，sir-ee。I’mstartingforhomethiseveningonthe7。25。Liketostaylonger，butIcan’t。"

"I’llwalkdowntotheferrywithyou，"saidthedogman。

ThedoghadboundalegeachofJimandthechairtogether，andhadsunkintoacomatoseslumber。Jimstumbled，andtheleashwasslightlywrenched。Theshrieksoftheawakenedbeastrangforablockaround。

"Ifthat’syourdog，"saidJim，whentheywereonthestreetagain，"what’stohinderyoufromrunningthathabeascorpusyou’vegotaroundhisneckoveralimbandwalkingoffandforgettinghim？"

"I’dneverdareto，"saidthedogman，awedattheboldproposition。"Hesleepsinthebed，Isleeponalounge。HerunshowlingtoMarcellaifI

lookathim。Somenight，Jim，I’mgoingtogetevenwiththatdog。I’vemadeupmymindtodoit。I’mgoingtocreepoverwithaknifeandcutaholeinhismosquitobarsotheycangetintohim。SeeifIdon’tdoit！"

"Youain’tyourself，SamTelfair。Youain’twhatyouwasonce。Idon’tknowaboutthesecitiesandflatsoverhere。WithmyowneyesIseenyoustandoffboththeTillotsonboysinPrairieViewwiththebrassfaucetoutofamolassesbarrel。AndIseenyouropeandtiethewildeststeeronLittlePowderin391-2。"

"Idid，didn’tI？"saidtheother，withatemporarygleaminhiseye。

"ButthatwasbeforeIwasdogmatized。"

"DoesMissesTelfair——"beganJim。

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