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BOOKIII

Shewentfirstintoatobacconist’s——andsoldcigarettes。

Sometimesshesufferedfromactualwant,andatefriedfish。"DoyouknowhownicefriedfishtastesinLondon,——youon’theOilan’?"shewrotegayly。"I’mgettingonsplendidly;so’sJohnGale,Isuppose,thoughhe’slookingcadaverousfromstarvinghimselfallround。TellauntyIhaven’tseentheQueenyet,thoughafterallIreallybelieveshehasnotseenme。"

Then,afteraseverestruggle,shesucceededingettingonthestageasasonganddancegirl。Shesangmelodiouslyanddanceddivinely,soremarkablythattheignorantpublic,knowinghertobeaManxgirl,andvaguelyassociatingherwiththesymboloftheIsleofMan,supposedshehadthreelegs。Shewasthesuccessoftheseason;hercupofambitionwasfilled。ItwasslightlyembitteredbythenewsthatherfriendJinnyJoneshadkilledherselfinthechurchattheweddingofherrecreantloverandtheAmericanheiress。ButtheaffairwasscarcelyalludedtobytheSocietypapers——whowerenaturallyshockedatthebadtasteofthedeceased。AndevenGollyforgotitall——onthestage。

BOOKIV

MeanwhileJohnGale,orBrotherBoreas,ashewasknowninthemonastery,wassubmitting——amongotherrigors——toanexceptionallyseverewinterinBishopsgateStreet,whichseemedtohaveanArcticclimateofitsown,——possiblyinducedbythe"freezing—out"processofcertainstockcompaniesinitsvicinity。

"Youaremiserable,andeagertogetoutinthewickedworldagain,myson,saidthedelightfuloldSuperior,ashesatbytheonlyfire,sippingaglassofmulledport,whenJohncameinfromshovelingsnowoutside。"I,therefore,merelytotryyou,shallmakeyougatekeeper。Thekeysofthemonasteryfrontdoorareunderthedoor—matinmycell,butIamasoundsleeper。"Hesmiledseraphically,andwinkedcasuallyashesippedhisport。

"Wewillcallit,ifyouplease——apenance。"

JohnthrewhimselfinanagonyofremorseandshameatthefeetoftheSuperior。"Itisn’tofmyselfI’mthinking,"heconfessedwildly,"butofthatpooryoungman,BrotherBones,inthenextcelltomine。Heisalivingskeleton,hasgotonlyonelungandanatrophiedbrain。Anightoutmightdohimgood。"

TheFatherSuperiorfrowned。"Doyouknowwhoheis?"

"No。"

"HisrealnameisJones。Whydoyoustart?Youhavehearditbefore?"

Johnhadstarted,thinkingofJinnyJones,Golly’sdesertedandself—immolatedfriend。

"Itisanuncommonname,"hestammered——"foramonastery,Imean。"

"Heisorwasanuncommonman!"saidtheSuperiorgravely。"But,"

headdedresignedly,"wecannotpickandchooseourcompanyhere。

Mostofushavedonesomethingandhaveourownreasonsforthisretreat。BrotherPolygamusescapedherefromthepersecutionsofhissixthwife。EvenI,"continuedtheSuperiorwithagentlesmile,puttinghisfeetcomfortablyonthemantelpiece,"havehadmylittlefling,andthedearboysusedtosay——ahem!——butthisismereworldlyvanity。Youalone,mydearson,hewentonwithslightseverity,"seemtobewantinginsomecriminality,or——shallIsay?——someappropriatebesettingsintoqualifyyouforthisholyretreat。Anabsolutelygratuitousandblamelessidiocyappearstobeyouronlypeculiarity,andforthisyoumustdopenance。Fromthisdayhenceforth,Imakeyoudoorkeeper!Goonwithyourshovelingatpresent,andshutthedoorbehindyou;there’saterribledraughtinthesecorridors。"

ForthreedaysJohnGaleunderwentanagonyofdoubtanddetermination,anditstillsnowedinBishopsgateStreet。

OnthefourtheveninghewenttoBrotherBones。

"Wouldyouliketohaveaneveningout?"

"Iwould,"saidBrotherBones。

"Whatwouldyoudo?"

"Iwouldgotoseemyremainingsister。"Hislefteyelidtrembledslowlyinhiscadaverousface。

"Butifyoushouldhearshewasruinedliketheother?Whatwouldyoudo?"

Ashudderpassedovertheman。"Ihavenotgotmylittleknife,"

hesaidvacantly。

True,hehadnot!TheBrotherhoodhadnopockets,——orratheronlyacorporateone,whichbelongedtotheSuperior。JohnGaleliftedhiseyesinsublimeexaltation。"Youshallgoout,"hesaidwithdecision。"MuffleupuntilyouarewelloutofBishopsgateStreet,whereitstillsnows。"

"Buthowdidyougetthekeys?"saidBrotherBones。

"FromundertheFatherSuperior’sdoor—mat。"

"Butthatwaswrong,Brother。"

"Thematboretheinscription,’Salve,’whichyouknowinLatinmeans’Welcome,’"returnedJohnGale。"Itwaslogicallyapermission。"

Thetwomengazedateachothersilently。Ashudderpassedoverthetwolefteyelidsoftheirwanspiritualfaces。

"ButIhavenomoney,"saidBrotherBones。

"NorhaveI。Buthereisa’busticketandafreepasstotheGaiety。YouwillprobablyfindGollysomewhereabout。Tellher,"

hesaidinahollowvoice,"thatI’mgettingon。"

"Iwill,"saidBrotherBones,withadeepcough。

Thegateopenedandhedisappearedinthefallingsnow。Thebloodhoundkeptbythemonastery——oneoftherealBishopsgatebreed——bayedtwice,andlickeditshugejawsinghastlyanticipation。"Iwonder,"saidJohnGaleasheresumedhisshoveling,"ifIhavedoneexactlyright。Candorcompelsmetoadmitthatitisanopenquestion。"

BOOKV

Earlythenextmorning,BrotherBoneswasbroughthomebyPolicemanX,hishatcrushed,hisfacehaggard,hisvoicehuskyandunintelligible。Heonlysaidvaguely,"Washertime?"

"Itis,"saidJohnGaletimidly,inexplanationtoPolicemanX,"acaseofspiritualexhaustionfollowingavigil。"

"Thatwarn’thername,"saidPolicemanXsternly。"Butdon’tletthis’ereappenagain。"

JohnGaleturnedtoBrotherBones。"Thenyousawher——Golly?"

"No,"saidBrotherBones。

"Why?Whatonearthhaveyoubeendoing?"

"Dunno!Foundmyselfinstashun——zismorning!Thashall!"

ThenJohnGalesoughttheSuperiorinanagonyofremorse,andconfessedall。"Iamunfittoremaindoorkeeper。Removeme,"hegroanedbitterly。

Theoldmansmiledgently。"Onthecontrary,Ishouldhavegivenyouthekeysmyself。Hereafteryoucankeepthem。ThewaysofourBrotherhoodaremysterious,——indeed,youmaythinkidiotic,——butwearenotresponsibleforthem。It’sallBrotherCaine’sdoing——it’s’AllCaine!"

BOOKVI

Nevertheless,JohnGaleleftthemonastery。"TheBishopsgateStreetwinterdoesnotsuitme,"hebrieflyexplainedtotheSuperior。"Imustgosouthorsouthwest。"

Buthedidneither。HesawGolly,whowaslivingwest。Heupbraidedherforgoingonthestage。Sheretorted:"Whoselifeisthemoreartificial,yoursormine?Itistruethatwearebothimperfectlyclothed,"sheadded,glancingataphotographofherselfinashortskirt,"andnotalwaysinourrightmind——butyou’vecaughtnothingbutacold!Nevertheless,Iloveyouandyouloveme。"

ThenhebeggedhertogowithhimtotheSouthSeasandtaketheplaceofFatherDamienamongthecolonyoflepers。"Itisabeautifulplace,andinexpensive,forweshallliveonlyafewweeks。Whatdoyousay,dearest?Youknow,"headded,withafaint,sadsmile,glancingatanotherphotographofher,——executingthehighkick,——"you’requitealeaperyourself。"

Butthatnightshereceivedanofferofanewengagement。ShewrotetoJohnGale:"TheSouthSeasisratheranexpensivetriptotakesimplytodie。Couldn’twedoitascheaplyathome?Orcouldn’tyouprevailonyourFatherSuperiortosetuphismonasterythere?I’mafraidI’mnotuptoit。Whydon’tyoutrytheold’Oilan,’nearerhome?There’slotsofmeaslesanddiphtheriaabouttherelately。"

WhentheheartbrokenJohnGalereceivedthisepistle,healsoreceivedaletterfromhisuncle,theFirstLordoftheAdmiralty。

"Idon’tfancythisDamienwhimofyours。Ifyou’rereallyinearnestaboutkillingyourself,whynottakeabrieftrialtripinoneofourlatestironclads?It’sjustasrisky,although——asweareobligedtokeepthesethingsquietintheOffice——youwillnotofcoursegetthatpublicityyournoblesoulcraves。"

Abandonedbyallinhisnoblepurposes,JohnGaletookthefirststeamertotheIsleofMan。

BOOKVII

Buthedidnotremaintherelong。Oncebackinthatepistolaryisland,hewroteinterminableletterstoGolly。Whentheybegantoboreeachother,hereturnedtoLondonandenteredtheSalvationArmy。Crowdsflockedtohearhimpreach。HeinveighedagainstSocietyandWickednessasrepresentedinhismindbyGollyandherfriends,andpraisedaperfectChristianityrepresentedbyhimselfandHISfriends。ApanicofthesameremarkablecharacterastheBishopsgateStreetwintertookpossessionofLondon。OldMoore’s,Zadkiel’s,andMotherShipton’spropheciesweretobefulfilledatanearlyandfixeddate,withnopostponementonaccountofweather。SuddenlySociety,JohnDrake,andAntichristgenerallycombinedbyoustinghimfromhischurch,andturningitintoamusic—hallforGolly!ThenJohnGaletookhislastandsublimeresolve。HisdutyasaperfectChristianwastokillGolly!Hislogicwasatonceinscrutable,perfect,and——JohnGalish!

Withthissublimeandloftypurpose,hecalleduponGolly。Theheroicgirlsawhispurposeinhiseye——aneyeatonceblack,murderous,andChristian—like。Foraninstantshethoughtitwasbettertosuccumbatonceandthusendthisremarkableattachment。

SuddenlythroughthischaosofSpiritual,Religious,Ecstatic,Super—Egotisticwhirlofconfusedthought,dartedagleamofCommon,OrdinaryHorseSense!JohnGalesawitillumineherblueeyes,andtrembled。GodinMercy!IfitcametoTHAT!

"Sitdown,John,"shesaidcalmly。Then,inhersweet,clearvoice,shesaid:"Diditeveroccurtoyou,dearest,thatamoreridiculous,unconvincing,purposeless,insane,God—forsakenidiotthanyouneverexisted?Thatyoueclipsethewildestdreamsofinsanity?Thatyouareamentalandmoral’What—is—it?’"

"Ithasoccurredtome,"herepliedsimply。"Ibeganlifewithvastasininepossibilitieswhichfalltothelotoffewmen;yetI

cannotsaythatIhavecarriedevenTHEMtoalogicalconclusion!

ButYOU,love!YOU,darling!conceivedinextravagance,borntoimpossibility,achallengetocredulity,aproblemtotheintellect,a’missingword’forallages,——areyouawareofanyoneasutterlyunsympathetic,unreal,anduntruetonatureasyouare,existingonthefaceoftheearth,orinthewatersundertheearth?"

"Youareright,dearest;therearenone,"shereturnedwiththesamecalm,levelvoice。"ItistruethatIhaveattimestriedtodosomethingrealandwomanly,andnot,youknow,merelytocomplicatea——a"——hervoicefaltered——"theatricalsituation——butI

couldn’t!Somethingimpelledmeotherwise。NowyouknowwhyI

becameanactress!ButeventhereIfail!THEYareallowedreasoningpoweroffthestage——Ihavenoneatanytime!Ilaughinthewrongplace——Idotheunnecessary,extravagantthing。Endowedbysomestrangepowerwithextraordinaryattributes,Iamsupposedtomakeeverybodyloveme,butIdon’t——Isatisfynobody;I

convincenone!Ihavenoideawhatwillhappentomenext。Iamdoomedto——Iknownotwhat。"

"AndI,"hegroanedbitterly,"I,insomerareandlucidmoments,havehadaglimpseofthistoo。Weareinthehandsofsomeinscrutablebutawfulpower。Tellme,Golly,tellme,darling,whoisit?"

AgainthatgleamofCommonorOrdinaryHorseSensecameinhereye。

"Ihavefoundoutwho,"shewhispered。"Ihavefoundoutwhohascreatedus,andmadeusaspuppetsinhishands。"

"IsittheAlmighty?"heasked。

"No;itis"——shesaid,withaburstofreallaughter——"itis——The’AllCaine!"

"What!ourcountrymantheManxman?TheonlygreatNovelist?ThebelovedofGladstone?"hegasped。

"Yes——andheintendstokillYOU——andwe’reonlytobemarriedatyourdeathbed!"

JohnGalearosewithalookofsterndetermination。"Ihavesufferedmuchandidiotically——butIdrawalineatthis。Ishallkick!"

Gollyclappedherhandsjoyfully。"Wewill!"

"Andwe’llchuckhim。"

"Wewill。"

Theywerechokingwithlaughter。

"Andgoandgetmarriedinanatural,simplewaylikeanybodyelse——

andtry——todoourduty——toGod——toeachother——andtoourfellow—

beings——andquitthis——damned——nonsense——andin—fer—nalidiocyforever!"

"Amen!"

PUBLISHER’SNOTE。——"Inthatsupremeworkofmylife,’TheChristian,’"saidthegiftednovelisttoareporterinspeakingofhismethods,"IhadendowedthecharactersofGollyandJohnGalewithsuchsuperhumanvitalityandabsoluterealitythat——asiswellknownintheexperienceofgreatwriters——theybecamethinkingbeings,andactuallycriticisedmywork,andevenINTERFEREDandREBELLEDtothepointofalteringmyclimaxandtheend!"Thepresenteditiongivesthatending,whichofcourseistheonlyrealone。

THEADVENTURESOFJOHNLONGBOWE,YEOMAN

BEINGAMODERN—ANTIQUEREALISTICROMANCE

(COMPILEDFROMSEVERALEMINENTSOURCES)

ItseemethbutfairthatI,JohnLongbowe,shouldsetdownthisaccountofsuchhapandadventureashathbefallenme,withoutflourish,vaporing,orcozeningofspeech,butasbecomethonewho,notbeingareadywriter,goethstraighttothematterinhandinfewwords。So,thoughIoffendsome,Ishallyetconvinceall,thewhichliethclosertomypurpose。Thus,itwasintheyear1560,or1650,ormayhap1710——formymemoryisnotwhatithathbeenandIevercaredlittleformonkishcalendarsorsuchdry—as—dustmatter,beingactiveasbecomethonewhohathtomakehiswayintheworld——yetIwotwellitwasaftertheGreatPlague,whichI

havegreatcausetoremember,lyingatmycozen’sinWardourStreet,London,inthatlamentableyear,eatingofgillyflowers,sulphur,hartestongueandmanystynkingherbes;touchingneithermannormayd,savewithagreattongssteeptinpitch;wearingafinemaskeofsilkwithamouthpieceofaromaticstuff——byreasonofwhichactsofhardihoodandcourageIwasmiraculouslypreserved。ThismuchIshallsayastothetimeofthesehappenings,andnomore。Iamaplain,bluntman——mayhaprudeofspeechshouldoccasionwarrant———soletthemwhorequiretheexactnessofascrivenerorapedagoguegoelsewherefortheirentertainmentandbehangedtothem!

Howbeit,thoughnoscholar,IamnotoneofthosewhomisusetheEnglishspeech,and,beingfoolishlyledbythehastycustomofscrivenersandprinterstowritetheletters"T"and"H"joinedtogether,whichresembletha"Y,"doincontinentlyjumptotheconclusiontheTHEispronounced"Ye,"——thelikeofwhichIneverheardinallEngland。AndthoughthisbelittletowardthosegreatenterprisesandhappeningsIshallpresentlyshew,Isetitdownforthebehoofofsuchmalapertwightsasmustneedsgirdatamanofspiritandaction——andyet,insooth,knownottheirownletters。

Sotomytale。TherewasagreatfrostwhenmyLordbademefollowhimtothewatergatenearourlodgingsintheStrand。WhenwereacheditwewereamazedtoseethattheThameswasfrozenoverandmanycitizensdisportingthemselvesontheice——thelikeofwhichnomanhadseenbefore。Therewerefiresbuiltthereon,andmanyshipsandbargeswerestuckhardandfast,andmyLordthoughtitvastlyprettythatthepeoplewerewalkingundertheirbowsandcabbinwindowsandclimbingoftheirsideslikemermen,butI,beingaplain,bluntman,hadnojoyinsuchidlenesse,deemingitbetterthatinthesetimesofpithandenterprisetheyshouldbemoreseemlyemployed。MyLord,becauseofoneortwomisadventuresbyreasonoftheslipperinessoftheice,wasfaintogobyLondonBridge,whichwedid;myLordassuitedhishumorrufflingthestaidcitizensashepassedorpeeringunderthehoodsoftheirwivesanddaughters——asbecameayounggallantofthetime。I,beingaplain,bluntman,assistedinnosuchfolly,butcontentedmyself,whentheycomplaynedtome,withdamningtheirsoulsforgreasyinterferingvarlets。ForIshallnowmakenoscrupleindeclaringthatmyLordwasthemostnobleEarlofSouthampton,beingwithheldfromsosayingbeforethroughveryplainnessandbluntness,desiringasasimpleyeomantomakenoboastofservingamanofsohighquality。

WefaredonoverBanksidetotheGlobeplayhouse,wheremyLordbademedismountanddeliverasecretmessagetothechiefplayer——

whichmessagewas,"hadhediligentlyperusedandexaminedthathewotof,andwhatsaidhethereof?"WhichIdid。ThereuponhethatwascalledthechiefplayerdidincontinentlyproceedtoloadminearmsandwalletwithmanyanddiversrollsofmanuscriptsinmyLord’sownhand,andbademesayuntohimthattherewasagreatfrostoverLondon,butthatifheweretoperformthoseplaysandmasquespublickly,therewouldbeagreaterfrostthere——towit,intheGlobeplayhouse。ThisIdiddeliverwiththeManuscriptstomyLord,whochangedcountenancemightilyatthesightofthem,butcouldmakenoughtofthemessage。Atwhichtheladwhoheldthehorsesbeforetheplayhouse——oneWillShakespeare——splitwithlaughter。WhereatmyLordcursedhimforadeer—stealing,coney—

catchingWarwickshirelout,andcuffedhimsoundly。IwottherewillbethosewhorememberthatthisWillShakespeareafterwardsbecameaplayeranddidwriteplays——whichwereacceptableeventotheQueen’sMajesty’sself——andIsetthisdownnotfromvanitytoshewIhaveheldconversewithsuch,nortogiveaseemingnessandcolourtomystory,buttoshewwhatill—judged,misinformedknavesweretheywhodidafterwardsattributefriendshipbetweenmyLordandthisWillShakespeare,eventothesayingthathemadesonnetstomyLord。Howbeit,myLordwasexceedingwroth,andI,tobeguilehim,didproposethatweshouldleaveourhorsesandcargoesofmanuscriptbehindandcrossontheiceafoot,whichconceitpleasedhimmightily。Insoothitchancedwellwithwhatfollowed,forhardlywereweontheriverwhenwesawagreatcrowdcomingfromWestminster,beforeacaravanofstrangeanimalsandsavagesinmasks,caperingandcapricolling,draggingafterthemdiverssledgesquaintlyfashionedlikeswannes,inwhichwereladiesattiredasfairiesandgoddessesandsuchlikeheathenandwantontrumpery,whichI,asaplain,bluntman,wouldhavefallentocursing,hadnotmyLordhimselfdamnedmeunderhisbreathtoholdmypeace,forthathehadrecognizedmyLordofLeicester’scoloursandthathemadenodoubttheywereoftheCourt。Asforsooththisdidpresentlyappear;alsothatoneoftheladieswasherGraciousMajesty’sself——maskedtothegeneraleye,thebettertoenjoythesemiscalledfestivities。Isaymiscalled,for,thoughaloyalsubjectofherMajesty,andonewhohathbornearmsatTilburyFortindefenceofherMajesty,itinflamedmycholer,asaplainandbluntman,thatherMightinessshouldsodegradeherdignity。Howbeit,asamanwhohathhiswaytomakeintheworld,IkeptmineeyeswellupontheanticksoftheGreat,whilemyLordjoinedthegroupofmaskersandtheirfollies。IrecognizedherMajesty’spresencebyherdiscourseinthreelanguagestoasmanyAmbassadorsthatwerepresent——thoughImarkedwellthatshehadnotforgottenherowntongue,callingoneofherladies"asluttishwench,"norherEnglishspiritincuffingmyLordofEssex’searsforsomeindecorum——which,asaplainmanmyself,curtinspeechandaction,didrejoicemegreatly。ButImustrelateonefeat,thelikeofwhichIneversawinEnglandbeforeorsince。Therewasadanceofthemaskers,andinthemidstofitherMajestyaskedtheAmbassadorfromSpayneifhehadseenthelatestFrenchdance。Herepliedthathehadnot。WhereuponHerMostExcellentMajestyskiptbackapaceandforwardapace,andliftingherhoop,deliveredakickathisExcellency’shatwhichsentitflyingthespaceofagoodEnglishellabovehishead!HowbeitsogreatwastheacclamationthatherMajestywasgraciouslymovedtorepeatittomyLordofLeicester,but,trippingback,herhighheelscaughtinherfarthingale,andshewouldhavefallenontheice,butforthatmyLord,withexceedingswiftnessanddexterity,whiskedhiscloakfromhisshoulder,spreadingitunderher,andsoreceivedherbodyinitsfoldsontheice,withouthimselftouchingherMajesty’sperson。HerMajestywasgreatlypleasedatthis,andbademyLordbuyanothercloakathercost,thoughitswallowedanestate;butmyLordreplyed,afterthelyingfashionofthetime,thatitwashonourenoughforhimtobepermittedtokeepitafter"ithadreceivedherRoyalperson。"Iknowthatthishaphathbeenpartlyrelatedofanotherperson——theshipmanRaleigh——butItellsuchasdenymethattheylieintheirteeth,forI,JohnLongbowe,havecause——miserablecauseenough,Iwarrant——torememberit,andmyLordcanbearmeout!For,spiteofhisfairspeeches,whenhewasquitoftheRoyalpresence,hethrewmehiswetandbedraggledcloakandbademechangeitwithhimformineown,whichwasdryandwarm。AnditwasthissimpleactwhichwroughtthelamentableandcrueldeedofwhichIwasthevictim,for,asIfollowedmyLord,thusapparelled,acrosstheice,Iwassuddenlysetuponandseized,achoke—pearclaptintomymouthsothatIcouldnotcryaloud,mineeyesbandaged,mineelbowspinionedatmysideinthatfatallcloakliketoatrussedfowl,andsoIwascarriedtowheretheicewasbroken,andthrustintoaboat。ThenceIwasconveyedinthesamerudesorttoaship,draggeduphersmooth,wetside,andclaptunderhatches。HereIlayhelplessasinaswoon。WhenIcameto,itwaswithagreattramplingonthedecksaboveandthewashingofwavesbelow,andImadethattheshipwasmoving——butwhereIknewnot。AfteralittlespacethehatchwasliftedfromwhereIlay,thechoke—peartakenfrommymouth;butnotthebandagefrommineeyes,soIcouldseenoughtaroundme。ButI

heardastrangevoicesay:"Whatcoilisthis?ThisismyLord’scloakinsooth,butnotmyLordthatliethinit!Whoisthisfellow?"AtwhichIdidnaturallydiscoverthegreatmispriseofthosevarletswhohadtakenmeformydearLord,whomInowdamnedinmyheartforchangingofthecloaks!Howbeit,whenIhadfetchedmybreathwithdifficulty,beingwellnighspentbyreasonofthegag,IreplyedthatIwasJohnLongbowe,myLord’strueyeoman,asgoodamanasany,astheyshouldpresentlydiscoverwhentheysetmeashore。ThatIknew——"Softly,friend,"saidtheVoice,"thouknowesttoomuchforthegoodofEnglandandtoolittleforthineownneeds。Thoushaltbesentwherethoumayestforgettheoneandimprovethyknowledgeoftheother。"Thenasifturningtothoseabouthim,forIcouldnotseebyreasonoftheblindfold,henextsaid:"Takehimonyourvoyage,andseethatheescapenottillyearequitofEngland。"Andwiththattheyclapttothehatchagain,andIheardhimcastofffromtheship’sside。

TherewasI,JohnLongbowe,anEnglishyeoman,——I,whobutthatdayhadheldconversewithWillShakespeareandbeencognizantoftherevelsofHerMostChristianMajestyeventothespyingofhergarter!——Iwaskidnappedattheageofforty—fiveorthereabout——

forIwillnotbecertainoftheyear——andforcedtoseaforthatmyLordofSouthamptonhadprovokedthejealousieandenvyofdiversothergreatnobles。

CHAPTERSITOXX

IAMFORCEDTOSEAANDTOBECOMEAPIRATE!ISUFFERLAMENTABLY

FROMSICKNESSBYREASONOFTHEBIGNESSEOFTHEWAVES。ICOMMIT

MANYCRUELTIESANDBLOODSHED。BUTBYTHEDIVINEINTERCESSIONI

EVENTUALLYTHROWTHEWICKEDCAPTAINOVERBOARDANDAMELECTEDINHIS

STEAD。IDISCOVERANISLANDOFTREASURE,OBTAINPOSSESSIONTHEREOF

BYATRICKE,ANDPUTTHENATIVESTOTHESWORD。

Imarvelmuchatthosewhodeemitnecessaryinthesettingdownoftheiradventurestoglozeoverthewhilesbetweenwithmuchmatterofthecountry,thepeoples,andeventheirownfoolishreflectionsthereon,hopinginthiswaytocozenthereaderwithabeliefintheirowntruthfulness,andencreasetheextravaganceoftheirdeeds。I,beingaplain,bluntman,shallsimplysayformyselfthatformanydaysafterbeingtakenfromthebilboesandmadefreeofthedeck,Iwasgrievouslydistemperedbyreasonofthewaves,andsocollapsedinthebowelsthatIcouldneithereat,stand,norlie。Beingthusingreatfearofdeath,fromwhichIwasmiraculouslypreserved,I,outofsheergratitudetomyMaker,didincontinentlymakeoathandsignarticlestobeoneofthecrew——

whichwerebuccaneers。IdidthisthemorereadilyasweweretoattacktheshipsofSpayneonly,andthroughtherebeingnostateofWarreatthattimebetweenEnglandandthatcountry,itwaswiselyconceivedthatthisconductwouldprovokeit,andweshouldthusbeforearmed,asbecameajustemaninhisquarrel。ForthiswehadthepreciousexampleofmanygreatCaptains。Wedidthereforeheavetoandburnmanyships——thequalityofthoseengagementsIdonotsetforth,nothavingaseaman’suseofshipspeech,anddespising,asaplain,bluntman,thosewhomisuseit,havingitnot。

ButthisIdoknow,that,havingsomeconceitofashipman’swaysandofpirates,Ididconceiveatthistimeaprettysongformycomradoes,whereofthewordsranthus:——

Yoho!whentheDogWatchbayethloudInthelightofamid—seamoon!

AndtheDeadEyesglareinthestiffeningShroud,ForthatisthePirate’snoon!

WhentheNightMayressitontheDeadMan’sChestWherenomanne’sbreathmaycome——

ThenheyforabottleofRum!Rum!Rum!

AndapassagetoKingdomcome!

Itakenocredittomyselfforthesame,exceptsofarasitmayshewatouchofmyLordofSouthampton’smanner——webeingintimate——

butthisIknow,thatitwasmuchacclaimedbythecrew。Indeedthey,observingthattheCaptainwasofacruelnature,wouldfainkillhimandputmeinhisstead,butI,objectingtothesheddingofpreciousbloodinsuchbehoof,didpreventsuchalamentableandinhumanactionbystealthilythrowinghimbynightfromhiscabbinwindowintothesea——where,owingtotheinconceivabledistanceoftheshipfromshore,hewaspresentlydrowned。Whichuntowardfatehadagreateffectuponmyfortunes,since,burtheningmyselfwithhisgoodsandeffects,IfoundinhischestaprintedproclamationfromanagedandinfirmclergymanintheWestofEnglandcovenantingthat,forthesumoftwocrowns,hewouldsendtowhosooffered,thechartofanislandofgreattreasureintheSpanishMain,whereofhehadhadconfessionfromthelipsofadyingparishioner,andtheamountgainedtherebyhewouldusefortherestorationofhisparishchurch。NowI,readingthis,wasstruckbyagreatremorseandadmirationforourlateCaptain,forthatitwouldseemthathewas,likemyself,astaunchupholderoftheProtestantFaithandtheChurchthereof,asdidappearbyhispossessionofthechart,forwhichhehadnodoubtpaidthetwogoodcrowns。AsanactofpenanceIresolveduponfindingthesameislandbytheaidofthechart,andtothatpurposesailedEastmanydays,andSouth,andNorth,andWestasmanyotherdays——themannerwhereofandthelatitudeandlongitudeofwhichIshallnotburdenthereaderwith,holdingit,asaplain,bluntman,merepaddingandimpertinencetofilloutmynarrative,whichhelpethnotthegeneralreader。So,Isay,whenwesightedtheIsland,whichseemedtobeswarmingwithsavages,Iorderedthemaststobestripped,savebutforasinglesailwhichhungsadlyanddistractedly,andotherwiseputtheshipintothelikenessofaforlornwreck,clappingthemen,saveoneortwo,underhatches。

ThisIdidtopreventthesheddingofpreciousblood,knowingfullwellthattheignorantsavages,believingtheshipinsoredistress,wouldswimofftoherwithprovisionsandfruit,bearingnoarms。Whichtheydid,whilewe,asfastastheyclombthesides,despatchedthematleisure,withoutunseemlyoutcryoralarms。Havingthusdisposedofthemostadventurous,welandedandtookpossessionoftheisland,findingthereonmanykegsofcarbunclesandrubiesandpiecesofeight——thetreasurestoreofthoselawlesspirateswhoinfesttheseas,havingnocolourofwarorteachingofcivilisationtoatonefortheirhorriddeeds。

Idiscoveredalso,byanomissioninthechart,thatthiswasnottheIslandwotofbythegoodandagedDevonshiredivine——andsoweeasedourconsciencesofaccountingforthetreasuretohim。Wethensailedaway,arrivingaftermanyyears’absenceatthePortofBristolinMerrieEngland,whereItookleaveofthe"JollyRoger,"

thatbeingthenameofmyship;itwasastrangeconceitofseameninafteryearsevertocallthedeviceofmyFLAG——towit,askullandbonesmadeinthesignofaCross——bytheNAMEmyshipbore,andifIhaveonlycorrectedthemisuseofhistorybylyingknaves,Ishallbecontentwiththiswriting。Butalas!sucharetheuncertaintiesoftime;IfoundmygoodLordofSouthamptondeadandmostofhisfriendsbeheaded,andtheblessedKingJamesofScotland——ifImistakenot,forthesealsobetheuncertaintiesoftime——onthethrone。InduetimeImarriedMistressMarianStraitways。Imighthavetoldmoreoftrifling,andhowshefared,poorwench!inmineabsence,eventothefollowingofmeinanothership,inashipboy’sdisguise,andhowIrescuedherfromaschemingPaganvillain;but,asaplain,bluntman,Iamnohandattheweavingofpulinglovetalesandsuchtriflingdiversionsforlovesickmaydsandtheirpunygallants——havingonlyconsiderationformenandtheirdeeds,whichIhaveheresetdownbluntlyandevenatmineadvancedyearsamreadytomaintainwiththehandthatsetitdown。

DAN’LBOREM

BYE。N——SW——T——T

I

Dan’lBorempouredhalfofhissecondcupofteaabstractedlyintohislap。

"Guessyou’vegotsuthin’onyermind,Dan’l,"saidhissister。

"Mor’nlikelyI’vegotsuthin’onmypants,"returnedDan’lwiththatexquisitelydry,thoughsomewhatprotractedhumorwhichatoncethrilledandboredhisacquaintances。"But——speakin’o’thathosstrade"——

"Forgoodness’sake,don’t!"interruptedhissisterwearily;"yerallusdoin’it。Jesttellmeaboutthatyoungman——thenewclerkyethinko’gettin’。"

"Well,Itelegraphedhimtocomeover,arterIgotthisletterfromhim,"hereturned,handingheraletter。"Readitoutloud。"

Buthissister,havinganexperiencedhorrorofprolixity,glancedoverit。"FarasIkinseehetakesmor’ntwohundredwordstosayyou’vegottotakehimontrust,andsezitsuthin’inastylebetwixtabusinesscircularandthemPoliteLetterWriters。I

thoughtyouallowedhewasatonyfeller。"

"Efhedoesnotbragmuch,yesee,Ikinofferhimsmallwages,"

saidDan’l,withawink。"It’skindertakin’himathisownfigger。"

"AndTHATmightn’tpay!Butyedon’tthinko’bringin’himHEREinthishouse?’Ceptyou’rethinkin’o’tellin’himthatyarno’

yoursaboutthehosstradetobeguilethewinterevenings。Itoldyeye’dhevtopayyettogetfolkstolistentoit。"

"Wrongagin——ezyou’llsee!WotefIgetahundredthousandfolkstopaymefortellin’it?But,speakin’o’thisyoungfeller,I

calkilatedtosendhimtotheTurkeyBuzzardHotel;"andhelookedathissisterwithashrewdyethumoroussmile。

"What!"saidhissisterinalarm。"TheTurkeyBuzzard!Why,he’llbestarvedorpizoned!Hewon’tstaythereaweek。"

"Efhe’spizonedtodeathhewon’tbeabletodemandanywages;efheleavesbecausehecan’tstandit——it’sproofpositivehecouldn’tstandme。Efhe’sonlystarvedandmadeweakandmiserablehe’llbeeasytomaketermswith。ItmayseemhardwhatI’msayin’,butwhatseemshardontheotherfelleralwayscomesmightyeasytoyou。ThethingisNOTtobethe’otherfeller。’Yeain’tlistenin’。Yettheseremarksisshrewdandhumorous,andhezbinthoughtsobyliteraryfellers。"

"H’m!"saidhissister。"What’sthatyewasjestsayin’aboutfolksbein’willin’topayyefortellin’thathosstradeyarno’yours?"

"Thet’sonlywhatoneo’themsmartNewYorkpublishersalloweditwaswortharterhearin’metellit,"saidDan’ldryly。

"Goway!Youorhimmustbecrazy。Why,itain’tezgoodasthatstory’boutamanwhohadabalkyhossthatcouldbemadetogoonlybybuildin’afireunderhim,andarterthemansellsthathossandthesecret,andthemanwotboughthimtriesiton,theblamedhossliesdownoverthefire,andputsitout。"

"I’veallusallowedthatthestoryyehevtotellyourselfisablamedsightfunnierthantheoneye’relistenin’to,"saidDan’l。

"Putthatdownamongmysayin’s,willye?"

"Butyourstorywasneveranythin’morethanoneo’themsnippythingsyeseeinthepapers,droredouttonoendbyyou。It’sonlyoneo’themfunnyparagraphsyekinreadinaminitinthepapersthattakesYOUanhourtotell。"

TohersurpriseDan’lonlylookedathissisterwithcomplacency。

"That,"hesaid,"isjestwhattheNewYorkpublishersez。’The’Merrikanpeople,’sezhe,’isashamedo’bein’shortandpeartandfunny;itlacksdignity,’sezhe;’itlooksfunny,’sezhe,’butitain’tdeep—seatednash’nulliterature,’sezhe。’Themsnipso’

funnystoriesandshortdialoguesinthecomicpapers——theymakeyelaff,’sezhe,’butlaffin’isn’tnosigno’deepmorrilpurpose,’

sezhe,’anditain’tgenteelandrefined。AbrahamLinkinwithhispatanecdotesruinedourstandin’withdignifiednashuns,’sezhe。

’Wecultivatedpublishersissicko’hearin’furrin’nashunsroarin’overfunny’Merrikanstories;we’regoin’toshow’emthat,evenefwehaven’tclassesandtitlesandsich,wekinbedull。

We’reworkin’thehistoricalracketforallthatit’sworth,——efwecan’tgobackmor’nahundredyearsorso,wekinrakeinaLordandaLadywhenwedo,andwe’regettin’insomeole—fashionedspellin’and"methinkses"and"peradventures。"We’redoin’thereligiousbiznessezslickezRobertElsmere,andwefindlotso’

soulinfolks——andheapsoquaintmorrilcharacters,’sezhe。"

"Sakesalive,Dan’l!"brokeinhissister;"what’sallthatgottodowithyouryarn’boutthehosstrade?"

"Everythin’,"returnedDan’l。"’For,’sezhe,’Mr。Borem,’sezhe,’you’reaquaintmorrilcharacter。You’vegotprotractedhumor,’

sezhe。’You’vebinanhourtellin’thatyarno’yours!Efyecouldspinitouttofilltwochaptersofabook——yerfortune’smade!Foryou’llshowthatasuccessfulhosstradeinvolvesthehighestnash’nulcharacteristics。Thatwhatcommonfolkcalls"selfishness,""revenge,""meanlyin’,"and"low—downmoney—

grubbin’ambishun"isreally"quaintness,"andwillgoindoubleharnesswiththebiznessofaChristianbanker,’sezhe。"

"Createdgoodness,Dan’l!You’redesignin’ter"——

Dan’lBoremrose,coughed,expectoratedcarefullyattheusualspotinthefender,hisgeneralcustomofindicatingtheconclusionofasubjectoraninterview,andsaiddryly:"I’mthar!"

II

Toreturntothewriteroftheletter,whosecareerwasmomentarilycutoffbytheepisodeofthehorsetrade(who,ifhehadpreviouslyreceivedaletterwrittenbysomebodyelsewouldhavebeenanentirelydifferentpersonandnotinthisnovelatall):

JohnLummox——knowntohisfamilyas"theperfectLummox"——hadbeentwoyearsincollege,butthoughtitratherfineofhimself——ahabitofthoughtinwhichhefrequentlyindulged——tobecomeaclerk,butfinallygottiredofit,andtohisfather’sreliefwenttoEuropeforacoupleofyears,returningwithsomeknowledgeofFrenchandGerman,andthecuttingendofaGermanstudent’sbluntedduelingsword。Having,ashefelt,thusequippedhimselffortheheroofanAmerican"GoodSociety"novel,hewentonboarda"liner,"wheretherewouldnaturallybesusceptibleyoungladies。

Onehethoughtherecognizedasagirlwithwhomheusedtoplay"forfeits"inthevulgarpastofhisboyhood。Shesatathistable,accompaniedbyanotherladywhosehusbandseemedtobeaconfirmeddyspeptic。HisremarksstruckLummoxaspeculiar。

"ShallIbegindinnerwithpuddingandcheeseortaketheordinarysoupfirst?IquiteforgetwhichIdidlastnight,"hesaidanxiouslytohiswife。

ButMrs。Starlinghesitated。

"Tellme,Mary,"hesaid,appealingtoMissBike,theyounglady。

"Ishouldbeginwiththepudding,"saidMissBikedecisively,"andbetweenthatandthearrivalofthecheeseyoucanmakeupyourmind,andthen,ifyouthinkbetter,gobacktothesoup。"

"Thankyousomuch。Now,astodrink?ShallItaketheFriedrichshallefirstortheBenedictine?YouknowthedoctorinsistsupontheFriedrichshalle,butIdon’tthinkIdidwelltomixthemasIdidyesterday。OrshallItakesimplymilkandbeer?"

"Ishouldsaysimplicitywasbest。Besides,youcanalwaysfillupwithchampagnelater。"

Howsplendidlythisclear—headed,clear—eyedgirldominatedtheman!LummoxfeltthatREALLYhemightrenewheracquaintance!Hedidso。

"Irememberedyou,"shesaid。"You’venotchangedabitsinceyouwereeightyearsold。"

John,wishingtochangethesubject,saidthathethoughtMr。

Starlingseemedanuncertainman。

"Very!He’sevennowinhisstateroomsittinginhispyjamaswitharubbershoeononefootandapumpontheother,wonderingwhetherheoughttoputongolfknickerbockerswithadressing—gownandstrawhatbeforehecomesondeck。Hehasalreadyputonandtakenoffabouttwentysuits。"

"Hecertainlyisverytrying,"returnedLummox。Hepausedandcoloreddeeply。"Ibeg,"hestammered,"Ihope——youdon’tthinkmeguiltyofapun!WhenIsaid’trying’Ireferredentirelytotheeffectonyoursensitivenessofthesetentativeattemptstowardclothinghimself。"

"IshouldneveraccuseYOUoflevity,Mr。Lummox,"saidtheyounglady,gazingthoughtfullyuponhiscalmbutsomewhatheavyfeatures,——"never。"

Yethewouldhavelikedtoreclaimhimselfbyashowoflightness。

Hewasleaningontheraillookingatthesea。Thescenewasbeautiful。

"Isuppose,"hesaid,rollingwiththeseaandhisearlystudiesofDoctorJohnson,"thatonewouldinthemoresuperiormannershowhisappreciationofallthisbyrefrainingfromtheobviouscommentwhichmustneedsberecognizedascomparativelycommonplaceandvulgar;butreallythisissosuperbthatImustexpresssomeofmyemotion,evenattheriskofloweringyouropinionofmygoodtaste,provided,ofcourse,thatyouhaveanyopinionontheonehandoranygoodtasteontheother。"

"Withoutthatunduedepreciationofone’sselfwhichmusteverbeasignofself—consciousdemerit,"saidtheyounggirllightly,"I

maysaythatIamnotgenerallygoodatJohnsonese;butitmayrelieveyourmindtoknowthathadyoukeptsilenceoneinstantlonger,Ishouldhavetakentheriskofloweringyouropinionofmytaste,provided,ofcourse,thatyouhaveonetolowerandarecapableofthatexertion——ifsuchindeeditmaybetermed——byremarkingthatthisisperfectlymagnificent。"

"Doyouthink,"hesaidgloomily,stillleaningontherail,"thatwecankeepthiskindofthingup——perhapsIshouldsaydown——muchlonger?Formyself,Iamfeelingfarfromwell;itmayhavebeenthelobster——orthatlastsentence——but"——

Theywerebothsilent。"Yet,"shesaid,afterapause,"youcanatleasttakeMr。Starlingandhisdyspepsiaoffmyhands。Youmightbeequaltothatexertion。"

"IsupposethatbythistimeIoughttobedoingsomethingforsomebody,"hesaidthoughtfully。"Yes,Iwill。"

ThateveningafterdinnerhetookMr。Starlingintothesmoking—

roomandcard—room。Theyhadsomethinghot。At4A。M。,withtheassistanceofthesteward,heprojectedMr。StarlingintoMrs。

Starling’sstateroom,delicatelywithdrawingtoevadethelady’sthanks。AtbreakfasthesawMissBike。"Thankyousomuch,"shesaid;"Mrs。StarlingfoundStarlinggreatlyimproved。Hehimselfadmittedhewas’neverberrer’and,farfromworryingaboutwhatnight—clothesheshouldwear,wenttobedASHEWAS——eventohishat。Mrs。Starlingcallsyou’herpreserver,’andMr。Starlingdistinctlystatedthatyouwerea’jolly—good—fler。’"

"Andyou?"askedJohnLummox。

"Inyourpresentconditionofabnormalself—consciousnessandapperceptiveegotism,Ireallyshouldn’tliketosay。"

WhenthevoyagewasendedMr。LummoxwenttoseeMaryBikeatherhouse,andhisfather——whomhehadnotseenfortenyears——atHIS

house。Witharefinedabsenceofnaturalaffectionhecontentedhimselfwithinquiringoftheservantsastohisfather’shabits,andifhestillworedressclothesatdinner。Theinformationthuselicitedforcedhimtotheconclusionthattheoldgentleman’scircumstanceswerereduced,andthatitwaspossiblethathe,JohnLummox,mightbeactuallycompelledtoearnhisownliving。Hecommunicatedthatsuspiciontohisfatheratdinner,andoverthelastbottleof"Mouton,"acircumstancewhichalsohaddeterminedhiminhisresolution。"Youmight,"saidhisfatherthoughtfully,"offeryourselftosomerisingAmericannovelistasastudyforthenewhero,——oneabsolutelywithoutambition,capacity,orenergy;

willing,however,tobewhateverthenovelistchoosestomakehim,solongashehasn’ttochooseforhimself。Ifyourinordinateself—consciousnessisstillinyourway,Icouldgivehimafewpointsaboutyou,myself。"

"Ihadthought,"saidJohn,hesitatingly,"ofgoingintoyourofficeandbecomingyourpartnerinthebusiness。Youcouldalwayslookafterme,youknow。"

Ashudderpassedovertheoldman。Thenhetremblinglymutteredtohimself:

"Thankheaven!Thereisonewayitmaystillbeaverted!"

Retiringtohisroomhecalmlycommittedsuicide,thoughtfullyleavingtheemptypoisonbottleinthefender。

AndthisishowJohnLummoxcametoofferhimselfasaclerktoDan’lBorem。ThewaysofProvidenceareindeedstrange,yetthoseofthenovelistareonlyoccasionallynovel。

III

JohnK。LummoxlivedforaweekattheTurkeyBuzzardHotelexclusivelyondoughnutsandinnuendoes。HewasinformedbyMr。

Borem’sclerk——whoseplacehewastofill——thathewouldn’tbeabletostandit,andthusreceivedthecharacterofhisemployerfromhislastemployee。

"Isuppose,"saidDan’lBorem,chuckling,"thathesaidIwasaoldskinflint,goodonlyatahosstrade,uneddicated,ignorant,andunabletokeepaccounts,andanoppressoro’thewidderandorphan。

Allowedthatmycutesayin’swasakindo’ten—centparodyo’themproverbsinPoorRichard’sAlmanack!"

"Omittingafewexpletives,hecertainlydid,"returnedLummoxwithgreatdelicacy。

"Heallowedtome,"saidDan’lthoughtfully,"thatYOUwasapoorcritterthathadn’tasinglereasontoshowforlivin’:thatthefool—killerhadbinshadderin’youfromyourbirth,andthatyouhadn’tpaidacentprofitonyourfather’soriginalinvestmentinye,norontheassessmentshe’dpaidonyeeversince。Heseemstobeacutefellerarterall,andI’mrathersorryhe’sleavin’。"

"Iamquitewillingtoabandonmypositioninhisfavor,now,"saidLummoxwithalacrity。

"No,"saidDan’l,rubbinghischinargumentatively;"theonlywayforustodoistocircumventhimlikeinahosstrade——withsuthin’unexpected。Whenhethinksyou’regoin’tosleepintheshaftsyou’llrunaway;andwhenhethink’sI’mviciousI’llletawomanorachilddriveme。"

IV

"Well,Dan’l,how’sthatnewclerko’yoursgettin’on?"saidMrs。

Bigbyaweeklater。

"Purtyfine!He’sgoodataccountsandhezgottoknowtheBank’scustomersbythistime。ButIallusreckonedhe’dgetstuckwithsomeo’themcounterfeitnotes——andhehez!Yeseeheain’taccustomedtolookatafiveoratendollarnoteassharpassomemen,andhe’salreadytakenintwotensandafivecounterfeits。"

"Gracious!"saidMrs。Bigsby。"Whatdidthepoorfellerdo?"

"Oh,heupsandtellsme,allright,afterhediscoveredit。Andsezhe:’I’vechargedmyaccountwith’em,’sezhe,’sotheBankwon’tloseit。’"

"Why,Dan’l,"saidMrs。Bigsby,"yedidn’tletthatpoorfeller"——

"Youhol’on!"saidherbrother;"businessisbusiness;butIseztohim:’YeoughterputitdowntoProfitandLossaccount。Orperhapswe’llhaveachanceo’gettin’rido’them,——notinNooYork,wherefolksissharp,buthereinthecountry,andthenyekincredityourselfwiththeamountarteryou’vegotrido’them。’"

"Laws!I’msorryyedidthat,Dan’l,"saidMrs。Bigsby。

"Withthatherizup,"continuedDan’l,ignoringhissister,"and,takin’themcounterfeitnotesfrommyhand,sezhe:’ThemnotesbelongtoMEnow,’sezhe,’andI’mgoin’todestroy’em。’Andwiththathewalksovertothefireasstiffasapoker,andheldthemnotesinituntiltheywereburntcleanup。"

"Well,butthatwashonestandstraightforwardinhim!"saidMrs。

Bigsby。

"Um!butitwasn’tbusiness——andyesee"——Dan’lpausedandrubbedhischin。

"Well,goon!"saidMrs。Bigsbyimpatiently。

"Well,yesee,neitherhimnormewasverysmartindetectin’

counterfeits,orevenknowin’’em,and"——

"Well!Forgoodness’sake,Dan’l,speakout!"

"Well——THEDUMFOOLBURNTUPTHREEGOODBILLS,andweneitherofusknewit!"

V

The"unexpected"whichDan’lBoremhadhintedmightcharacterizehisfutureconductwasfirstintimatedbyhistreatmentofthe"WidowCully,"anagedandimpoverishedwomanwhosepropertywasheavilymortagedtohim。HehadcurtlysummonedhertocometohisofficeonChristmasDayandsettleup。Frightened,hopeless,andinthefaceofasnowstorm,theoldwomanattended,butwassurprisedbyreceivinga"satisfactionpiece"infullfromthebanker,andagorgeousChristmasdinner。"Allthesame,"saidMrs。

BigsbytoLummox,"Dan’lmighthevdoneallthiswithoutfrightenin’thepooroldcritterintoanervousfever,chillin’herthroughbymakin’herwalktwomilesthroughthesnow,andkeepin’

herontheraggededgeo’despairfortwomortalhours!Butit’shishumorousway。"

"Didhegiveanyreasonforbeingsolenienttothewidow?"askedLummox。

"Hesaidthathersonhadgivenhimacoreofhisapplewhentheywereboystogether。Dan’lezmightythoughtfulo’folksthatwaskindtohiminthemdays。"

"Isthatall?"saidLummox,astonished。

"Well——I’vekinderthoughtsuthin’else,"saidMrs。Bigsbyhesitatingly。

"What?"

"Thatitsbein’ChristmasDay——andasI’veheardtellthat’sNODAY

INLAW,butjustlikeSunday——Dan’lmebbethoughtthathemightcrawlouterthatsatisfactionpiece,efheeverwantedter!Dan’lismightycute。"

VI

Mr。JohnLummoxwasnotbehindhisemployerindevelopingunexpectedtraitsofcharacter。HithertoholdingalooffromhisneighborsinOldFolksville,hesuddenlywenttoasocialgathering,anddistinguishedhimselfastheprincipalandpopularguestoftheevening。AsDan’lBoremafterwardtoldhissister:

"Hewasoneo’themCombinationMinstrelsandVarietyShowsinone。

Hesangthroughawholeopery,madethepiannerjesthowl,gavesomerecitations,CasabiankerandBetsyandIareOut;imitatedallthemtragedians;didtrickswithcardsandfetchedrabbitsouterhats,besidesliftin’thepiannerwithtwomensittin’onit,jestbyhisteeth。Createdsnakes!"saidBorem,concludinghisaccount,whichhereisnecessarilyabbreviated,"efhelearntallthatinhistwoyearsinEuropeIain’tsayin’anythin’moreagin’

eddicationandfurrin’travelafterthis!Why,thenextdaytherewasquitearunontheBankjesttoseeHIM。Heismakin’thebiznesspop’lar。"

"Thenyethinkye’llgetalongtogether?"

"Ireckonwe’llhitchhosses,"saidDan’l,withasmile。

Afewweekslater,oneevening,Dan’lBoremsatwithhissisteralone。JohnLummox,whowasnowresidingwiththem,wasattendingasocialengagement。Mrs。BigsbyknewthatDan’lhadsomethingtocommunicate,butknewthathewoulddosoinhisownway。

"Speakin’o’hosstrades,"hebegan。

"WeWASN’Tandweain’tgoin’to,"saidMrs。Bigsbywithgreatpromptness。"I’veheardenoughof’em。"

"Butthishereonehezsuthin’todowithyourfr’en’,JohnLummox,"saidDan’l,withachuckle。

Mrs。Bigsbystared。"Goon,then,"shesaid,but,forgoodness’

sake,cutitshort。"

Dan’lthrewawayhisquidandreplenisheditfromhissilvertobaccobox。Mrs。Bigsbyshudderedslightlyassherecognizedtheusualpreliminarytoprolixity,butdetermined,asfaraspossible,tomakeherbrotherbrief。

"Itmoutbetwoweeksago,"beganDan’l,"thatIseeJohnLummoxoveratPalmyra,wherehe’dbinvisitin’。Hewasdrivin’ahoss,thebeautifulestcritter——forcolor——Ieversaw。Itwasyaller,withmaneandtailakindergolden,likethehairo’themBritishBlondesthatwashereintheVarietyShow。"

"Dan’l!"exclaimedMrs。Bigsby,horrified。"Andyouallowedyouneverwentthar!"

"Saw’emontheposters——andmebbethecolorwasalittlebrighterthar,"saidDan’lcarelessly——"butwho’sinterruptin’now?"

"Goon,"saidMrs。Bigsby。

"’Gotafinehossthar,’sezI;’reckonIneverseesuchapurtycolor,’sezI。’Heispurty,’sezhe,’per’apstoopurtyforMEtobea—drivin’,butheisn’tfast。’’Iain’tspeakin’o’that,’sezI;’it’shislooksthatI’mtalkin’of;wharmightyehevgothim?’

’Hewasofferedtomebyafr’en’o’meboyhood,’sezhe;’he’sapintomustang,’sezhe,’fromCaliforny,whartheybreed’em。’

’What’sapintohoss?’sezI。’Thesameezacalicohoss,’sezhe;

’whattheyhaveincirkises,butyeneversee’emthatcolor。’Enhewasright,forwhenIlookedhimoverIneverDIDseesuchasoftandsilkycoat,andhismaneandtailjestglistened。’ItIS

alittletooshowyforye,’sezI,’butImighttakehimatafairprice。What’syourfr’en’askin’?’’Hewon’tsellhimtoanybodybutme,’sezLummox;’he’sahorroro’hosstraders,anyway,andhispriceismorelikeagifttoafr’en’。’’Whatmightthatpricebe,efit’safairquestion?’sezI,forthemoreIlookedatthehossthemoreIlikedhim。’Ahundredandfiftydollars,’sezhe;

’butmyfr’en’wouldaskYOUdoublethat。’’Couldn’tYOUandME

makeatrade?’sezI;’I’llexchangeyethatroanmare,that’sworthtwohundred,forthishossandfiftydollars。’Withthathedrewhimselfup,andsezhe:’Mr。Borem,’sezhe,’Isharemyfr’en’sopinionabouthosstradin’,andIpromisedmymotherI’dneverswaphosses。Yououghttoknowmebythistime。’"

"That’sso!"saidMrs。Bigsby;"I’mwonderin’yedaredtoaxhim。"

Dan’lpassedhishandoverhismouth,andcontinued:"’Idunnobutyou’reright,Lummox,’sezI;’per’apsit’sjestaswellastharwasn’tTWOintheBankinthatbizness。’ButthemoreIlookedatthehossthemoreIhankeredarterhim。’Lookhere,’sezI,’I

tellyewhatI’lldo!I’llLENDyoumyhossandyou’llLENDmeyourn。I’lldrawupapapertothateffect,andprovidethatincaseo’accidents,efIdon’treturnyouyourhoss,I’llagreetopayyouahundredandfiftydollars。You’llgivemethesamekindo’paperaboutmyhoss——withtheprovisothatyoupaymetwohundredforhim!’’Excuseme,Mr。Borem,’sezhe,’butthatdifferenceoffiftymakesahosstradeaccordin’tomymind。It’sagin’myprinciplestomakesuchanagreement。’"

"An’hewasright,Dan’l,"saidMrs。Bigsbyapprovingly。

ButDan’lwipedhismouthagain,leaving,however,asingularsmileonit。"Well,ezIwantedthathoss,Ijestthoughtandthought!

IknewIcouldgettwohundredandfiftyforhimeasy,andthatLummoxdidn’tknowanythin’ofhisvaloo,andIfinallyagreedtomaketheswapeven。’Whatdoyoucallhim?’sezI。’Pegasus,’sezhe,——’thepoet’shoss,onaccounto’hisgoldenmane,’sezhe。

Thatmademelaff,forIneverknewapoetezcouldaffordtohevahoss,——muchlessonelikethat!ButIsaid:’I’llborryPegasuso’

youonthoseterms。’ThenextdayItookthehosstoJonesville;

Lummoxwasright:hewasn’tFAST,but,jestasIexpected,hemadeasensation!FolkscrowdedroundhimwheneverIstopped;wimminfollowedhimandchildrencriedforhim。Icouldhevsoldhimforthreehundredwithoutleavin’town!’SoyecallhimPegasus,’sezDocSmith,grinnin’;’Ididn’tknownyewassubjecttothedivineafflatus,Dan’l。’’Idon’offenhevit,’sezI,’butwhenIdoI

findalittlestraightgindoesmegood。’’SodidByron,’sezhe,chucklin’。ButevenifIhadcalledhim’Beelzebub’thehulltownwouldhevbinjestascrazyoverhim。Well,asitwascomin’ontorainIstartedjestaftersundownforhome。Butitcameterblow,an’terpourcatsanddogs,an’Iwasnighwashedouto’thebuggy,besideslosin’mywayandgettin’interditchesandpuddles,andI

hedtostopatStaples’Half—WayHouseandputupforthenight。

Inthemornin’Irizupearlyandgoesintothestableyard,andthefirstthingIseeswasthe’ostler。’Ihopeyegiv’myhossagoodscrubdown,’Isez,’asItoldye,forhiscoloristhatdelicatethesmallestspotshows。It’saveryrarecolorforahoss。’’Iwashopin’itmightbe,’sezhe。Iwasalittlehuffedatthat,andIsez:’It’sconsideredaverybeautifulcolor。’

’Mebbeitis,’sezhe,’butInevercaredmuchforfireworks。’

’Whatyermean?’sezI。’Lookhere,Squire!’sezhe;’Idon’tmindscourin’andrubbin’downahossthatwillstaythesamecolorTWICE,butwhenhegetstoplayin’akaladeoskopeonme,Ikick!’

’Trothimout,’sezI,beginnin’tofeelqueer。Withthathefetchedoutthehoss!ForaminitIhedtoketchontothefencetokeepmyselffromfallin’。Iswonny!efhedidn’tlooklikeacaseofmeaslesontopo’yallerfever——’ceptwheretheharnesshadtouchedhim,andthatwaskinderstenciledoutalloverhim。Tharwasplaceswharthe’ostlerhadwasheddowntothefoundationcolor,akindo’chewedlicorice!ThenIknewthatsomebodyhadbinsoldterrible,andIreckoneditmightbeme!ButIsaidnothin’tothe’ostler,andwaiteduntildark,whenIdrovehimoverhere,andputhiminthestables,lettin’nooneseehim。Inthemornin’Lummoxcomestome,andsezhe:’I’mgladtoseeyouback,’sezhe,’formyconscienceistroublin’meaboutthathossagreement;itlookstoomuchlikeahosstrade,’sezhe,’andI’mgoin’tosendthehossback。’’Mebbeyourconscience,’sezI,’maytroubleyoualittlemoreefyou’llstepthisway;’andwiththatI

takeshisarmandleadshimroundtothestableandbringsoutthehoss。

"Well,Lummoxneverchangesezmuchasahair,ezheputsuphiseyeglasses。’I’mnotgoodatwhat’scalled"Pop’larArt,"’sezhe。

’Isitachromo,oryourownwork?’sezhe,criticallike。

"’It’sYOURHOSS,’sezI。

"Helooksatmeaminitandthendrorsapaperfromhispocket。

’Thispaper,’sezheinhisquietway,’wasdroredupbyyouandisacovenanttoreturntomeayallerhosswithgoldenmaneandtail——

orahundredandfiftydollars。EzIdon’tseethehossanywhere——

mebbeyou’vegotthehundredandfiftydollarshandy?’sezhe。

’SupposeIhadn’tthemoney?’sezI。’Ishouldbeobliged,’sezheinakindo’painedChristian—martyrway,’tersellYOURhossfortwohundred,andsendthemoneytomyfr’en’。’WelookedateachothersteddyforaminitandthenIcountshimoutahundredandfifty。Hetookthemoneysad—likeandthensez:’Mr。Borem,’sezhe,’thisisagreatmorrillessontous,’andwentbacktotheoffice。InthearternoonIcalledinanoldhossdealerthatI

knewandshowshimPegasus。

"’Hewantsrenewin’,’sezhe。

"’Wot’sthat?’sezI。

"’Afewmorebottleso’thatBritishBlondeHairDyetosethimupag’in。That’swottheyallusdointhecirkis,wharhekemfrom。’

"ThenIwentbacktotheofficeandItookdownmysign。’What’sthatyouredoin’?’sezLummox,withasicklykindo’smile。’Areyougoin’outo’thebizness?’

"’No,I’monlygoin’tochangethatsignfrom"Dan’lBorem"to"BoremandLummox,"’sezI。’I’veconcludedit’scheaperformetotakeyouinterpartnershipnowthantocontinueinthisway,whichwouldonlyendinyourhevin’totakemeinlater。IpreferredtoDOITFUST。’"

VII

Arichman,andsettledinbusiness,JohnLummoxconcludedthathewouldmarryMaryBike。Withthatfar—sightedlogicwhichhadalwayscharacterizedhimhereasonedthat,havingfirstmetheronaliner,hewouldfindheragainononeifhetookpassagetoEurope。Hedid——butshewasdownonthepassengerlistasMrs。

EdwinWraggles。TheresultoftheirinterviewwasgiventoMrs。

BigsbybyDan’lBoreminhisowndialect。

"EzfarasIkinsee,itwasliketheDeacon’sSundayhosstrade,bein’all’Efitwassent。’’Efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles,’sezLummox,sezhe,’I’dbetellin’yehowI’velovedyeeversenceI

firstseedye。Efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles,I’dbesqueezin’yerhand,’sezhe;’efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles,I’dbeaskin’yetomarryme。’Thenthegalupsandsez,sezshe:’ButIAIN’TMrs。

Wraggles,’sezshe;’Mrs。Wragglesismysister,andcouldn’tcome,soI’mtravelin’onherticket,andthat’showmynameisWragglesonthepassengerlist。’’Butwhydidn’tyetellmesoatonce?’

sezLummox。’Thisisanepisoodeo’protractedhumor,’sezshe,’andI’Mboundtohaveashowinitsomehow!’"

"Well!"saidMrs。Bigsbybreathlessly;"thenheDIDmarryher?"

"DarnedefIknow。Heneversaidsostraightout——butthat’slikeLummox。"

STORIESTHREE

BYR——DY——DK——PL——G

I

FORSIMLAREASONS

Somepeoplesaythatimprobablethingsdon’tnecessarilyhappeninIndia——butthesepeopleneverfindimprobabilitiesanywhere。Thissoundsclever,butyouwillatonceperceivethatitreallymeanstheoppositeofwhatIintendedtosay。Sowe’lldropit。WhatI

amtryingtotellyouisthatafterSparkleyhadthataffairwithMissMillikensasingularchangecameoverhim。Hegrewabstractedandsolitary,——holdingdarkseanceswithhimself,——whichwasodd,aseverybodyknewhenevercaredarapfortheMillikensgirl。Itwasevensaidthathewasoffhishead——whichisrhyme。Buthisreasonwasundoubtedlyaffected,forhehadbeenheardtomutterincoherentlyattheClub,and,strangestofall,toanswerquestionsTHATWERENEVERASKED!ThiswassoawkwardinthatBranchoftheCivilDepartmentofwhichhewasahighofficial——

wheretherulewasexactlythereverse——thathewaspresentlyinvalidedonfullpay!Thenhedisappeared。CleverpeoplesaiditwasbecausetheDepartmentwasafraidhehadstillmuchtoanswerfor;stupidpeoplesimplyenviedhim。

Mrs。Awksby,whomeverybodyknewhadbeenthecauseofbreakingoffthematch,wasnowwildtoknowthereasonofSparkley’sretirement。Sheattackedheavenandearth,andevenwentastephigher——totheViceroy。Atthevice—regalballIsaw,behindthecurtainsofawindow,herrollingviolet—blueeyeswithasingularglitterinthem。ItwasthereflectionoftheViceroy’sstar,althoughtherestofhisExcellencywashiddeninthecurtain。I

heardhimsaying,"Comenow!really,now,youare——youknowyouare!"inreplytohercooingquestioning。Thenshemadeadashatmeandcapturedme。

"Whatdidyouhear?"

"NothingIshouldnothaveheard。"

"Don’tbelikealltheothermen——yousillyboy!"sheanswered。"I

wasonlytryingtofindoutsomethingaboutSparkley。AndIwillfinditouttoo,"shesaid,clinchingherthinlittlehand。"Andwhat’smore,"sheadded,turningonmesuddenly,"YOUshallhelpme!"

"I?"Isaidinsurprise。

"Don’tpretend!"shesaidpoutingly。"You’retooclevertobelievehe’scutupovertheMillikens。No——it’ssomethingawfulor——

anotherwoman!Now,ifIknewasmuchofIndiaasyoudo——andwasn’tawoman,andcouldgowhereIliked——I’dgotoBunglooreandfindhim。"

"Oh!Youhavehisaddress?"Isaid。

"Certainly!WhatdidyouexpectIwasbehindthecurtainwiththeViceroyfor?"shesaid,openinghervioleteyesinnocently。"It’sBungloore——FirstTurningtotheRight——AttheEndofthepassage。"

Bungloore——nearGhouliPass——intheJungle!Iknewtheplace,aspotofdankpestilenceandmystery。"Younevercouldhavegonethere,"Isaid。

"YoudonotknowWHATIcoulddoforaFRIEND,"shesaidsweetly,veilinghereyesindemuresignificance。

"Oh,comeofftheroof!"Isaidbluntly。

Shecouldbeobedientwhenitwasnecessary。Shecameoff。Notwithoutherrevenge。"TrytorememberyouarenotatschoolwiththeStalkies,"shesaid,andturnedaway。

IwenttoBungloore,——notonheraccount,butmyown。Ifyoudon’tknowIndia,youwon’tknowBungloore。It’sallthatandmore。Aneggdroppedbyavulture,satuponandaddledbytheDepartment。

ButIknewthehouseandwalkedboldlyin。AlionwalkedoutofonedoorasIcameinatanother。Wedidthistwoorthreetimes——

andfounditamusing。Alargecobrainthehallroseup,bowedasIpassed,andrespectfullyremovedhishood。

Ifoundthepooroldboyattheendofthepassage。ItmighthavebeenthepassagebetweenCalaisandDover,——helookedsogreen,solimpanddejected。Iaffectednottonoticeit,andthrewmyselfinachair。

Hegazedatmeforamomentandthensaid,"Didyouhearwhatthechairwassaying?"

Itwasanordinarybambooarmchair,andhadcreakedaftertheusualfashionofbamboochairs。Isaidso。

Hecasthiseyestotheceiling。"Hecallsit’creaking,’"hemurmured。"Nomatter,"hecontinuedaloud,"itsremarkwasnotofacomplimentarynature。It’sverydifficulttogetreallypolitefurniture。"

Themanwasevidentlystark,staringmad。Istillaffectednottoobserveit,andaskedhimifthatwaswhyheleftSimla。

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