Contains：
RUPERTTHERESEMBLER[AfterRupertofHentzauandPrisonerofZenda]
THESTOLENCIGARCASEByA。CO——ND——LE
GOLLYANDTHECHRISTIAN，ORTHEMINXANDTHEMANXMAN
ByH——LLC——NE
THEADVENTURESOFJOHNLONGBOWE，YEOMAN
BEINGAMODERN—ANTIQUEREALISTICROMANCE
（COMPILEDFROMSEVERALEMINENTSOURCES）
DAN’LBOREMBYE。N——SW——T——T
STORIESTHREEBYR——DY——DK——PL——G
"ZUT—SKI"THEPROBLEMOFAWICKEDFEMESOLEBYM——R——EC——R——LLI
RUPERTTHERESEMBLER
BrA——TH——YH——PE
CHAPTERI
RUDOLPHOFTRULYRURALANIA
WhenIstatethatIwasownbrothertoLordBurleydon，hadanincomeoftwothousandayear，couldspeakallthepolitelanguagesfluently，wasapowerfulswordsman，agoodshot，andcouldrideanythingfromanelephanttoaclotheshorse，IreallythinkIhavesaidenoughtosatisfyanyfemininenovel—readerofBayswaterorSouthKensingtonthatIwasahero。Mybrother’swife，however，didnotseemtoinclinetothisbelief。
"Amoreconceited，self—satisfiedlittlecadInevermetthanyou，"
shesaid。"Whydon’tyoutrytodosomethinginsteadofsneeringatotherswhodo？Younevertakeanythingseriously——exceptyourself，whichisn’tworthit。YouareproudofyourredhairandpeakednosejustbecauseyoufondlybelievethatyougotthemfromthePrinceofTrulyruralania，andarewillingtothinkevilofyourancestresstosatisfyyoursnobbishlittlesoul。Letmetellyou，sir，thattherewasnomoretruthaboutthatthantherewasinthatsillytalkofherpartialityforherhusband’sred—hairedgamekeeperinScotland。Ah!thatmakesyoustart——don’tit？ButI
havealwaysobservedthatamuleisapttorememberonlythehorsesideofhisancestry!"
Whenevermyprettysister—in—lawtalksinthiswayIalwaystrytoforgetthatshecameofafamilyfarinferiortoourown，theRazorbills。Indeed，herpeople——oftheNonconformiststock——reallyhadnothingbutwealthandrectitude，andIthinkmybrotherBob，inhisgenuineloveforher，waswillingtooverlookthelatterforthesakeoftheformer。
Myprettysister—in—law’sinterestinmyaffairsalwaysmademebelievethatshesecretlyworshipedme——althoughitwasafact，aswillbeseenintheprogressofthisstory，thatmostwomenblushedonmyaddressingthem。Iusedtosayit"wasthereflectionofmyredhaironatransparentcomplexion，"whichwasratherneat——
wasn’tit？Andsubtle？Butthen，Iwasalwayssayingsuchsubtlethings。
"MydearRose，"Isaid，layingdownmyeggspoon（theeggspoonreallyhadnothingtodowiththisspeech，butitimpartedsuchadelightfullyrealisticflavortothescene），"I’mnottoblameifI
resembletheS’helpburgs。"
"It’syourbeingsobeastlyproudofitthatIobjectto!"shereplied。"AndforHeaven’ssake，trytoBEsomething，andnotmerelyresemblethings!Thefactisyouresembletoomuch——you’reALWAYSresembling。Youresembleamanoffashion，andyou’renot；
awit，andyou’renot；asoldier，asportsman，ahero——andyou’renoneof’em。Altogether，you’renotintheleastconvincing。Now，listen!There’sagoodchanceforyoutogoasourattachewithLordMumblepeg，thenewAmbassadortoCochinChina。Inallthenovels，youknow，attachesarealwaystheconfidantsofGrandDuchesses，andknowmorestatesecretsthantheirchiefs；inreallife，Ibelievetheyaresomethinglikeacityclerkwithaleaningtoprivatetheatricals。Sayyou’llgo!Do!"
"I’lltakeafewmonths’holidayfirst，"Ireplied，"andthen，"I
addedinmygay，dashingway，"iftheplaceisopen——hangitifI
don’tgo!"
"Goodoldbounder!"shesaid，"anddon’tthinktoomuchofthatpreciousPrinceRupert。Hewasabadlot。"
Sheblushedagainatme——asherhusbandentered。
"TakeRose’sadvice，Rupert，myboy，"hesaid，"andgo!"
AndthatishowIcametogotoTrulyruralania。ForIsecretlyresolvedtotakemyholidayintravelinginthatcountryandtrying，asdearLadyBurleydonputit，reallytobesomebody，insteadofresemblinganybodyinparticular。ApreciouslotSHE
knewaboutit!
CHAPTERII
INWHICHMYHAIRCAUSESALOTOFTHINGS
YougotoTrulyruralaniafromCharingCross。InpassingthroughPariswepickedupMlle。Beljambe，whowasgoingtoKohlslau，thecapitalofTrulyruralania，tomarrytheGrandDukeMichael，who，however，asIwasinformed，wasinlovewiththePrincessFlirtia。
Sheblushedonseeingme——but，Iwastoldafterwards，declinedbeingintroducedtomeonanyaccount。However，Ithoughtnothingofthis，andwentontoBock，thenextstationtoKohlslau。AtthelittleinnintheforestIwasinformedIwasjustintimetoseethecoronationofthenewkingthenextday。Thelandladyandherdaughterwereverycommunicative，and，afterthefashionofthesimple，guilelessstagepeasant，instantlyinformedmewhateverybodywasdoing，andatonceexplainedthesituation。ShetoldmethattheGrandDukeMichael——orBlackMichaelashewascalled——
himselfaspiredtothethrone，aswellastothehandofthePrincessFlirtia，butwashatedbythepopulace，whopreferredtheyoungheir，PrinceRupert；becausehehadthehairandfeaturesofthedynastyoftheS’helpburgs，"which，"sheadded，"aresingularlylikeyourown。"
"Butisredhairsoverypeculiarhere？"Iasked。
"AmongtheJews——yes，sire!Imeanyes，SIR，"shecorrectedherself。"Youseldomseeared—headedJew。"
"TheJews!"Irepeatedinastonishment。
"OfcourseyouknowtheS’helpburgsaredescendeddirectlyfromSolomon——andhaveindeedsomeofhismatrimonialpeculiarities，"
shesaid，blushing。
Iwasamazed——butrecalledmyself。"ButwhydotheycalltheDukeofKohlslauBlackMichael？"Iaskedcarelessly。
"Becausebeisnearlyblack，sir。Yousee，whenthegreatPrinceRupertwentabroadintheoldtimehevisitedEngland，Scotland，andAfrica。TheysayhemarriedanAfricanladythere——andthattheDukeisreallymoreinthedirectlineofsuccessionthanPrinceRupert。"
Butherethedaughtershowedmetomyroom。Sheblushed，ofcourse，andapologizedfornotbringingacandle，asshethoughtmyhairwassufficientlyilluminating。"But，"sheaddedwithanotherblush，"IdoSOlikeit。"
Irepliedbygivinghersomethingofnovalue，——aBelgiannickelwhichwouldn’tpassinBock，asIhadfoundtomycost。Butmyhairhadevidentlyattractedattentionfromothers，foronmyreturntotheguest—roomastrangerapproachedme，andinthepurestandmostpreciseGerman——theCourtor’OllandHofspeech——
addressedme：
"HaveyoutheredhairofthefairKingorthehairofyourfather？"
LuckilyIwasabletoreplywiththesamepurityandprecision："I
haveboththehairofthefairKingandmyown。ButIhavenotthehairofmyfathernorofBlackMichael，noroftheinnkeepernortheinnkeeper’swife。TheredHEIRofthefairKingwouldbeason。"
PossiblythisdelicatemotontheapproachingmarriageoftheKingwaslostinthetranslation，forthestrangerstrodeabruptlyaway。
Ilearned，however，thattheKingwasactuallytheninBock，atthecastleafewmilesdistant，inthewoods。Iresolvedtostrollthither。
Itwasafineoldmediaevalstructure。ButasthesingularincidentsIamabouttorelatecombinetheromanticandadventurousatmosphereofthemiddleageswithalltheappliancesofmoderntimes，Imaybrieflystatethatthecastlewaslitbyelectricity，badfire—escapesoneachoftheturrets，fourlifts，andwasfittedupbyoneofthebestWestEndestablishments。Thesanitaryarrangementswereexcellent，andthedrainageofthemostperfectorder，asIhadreasontoknowpersonallylater。IwassoaffectedbythepeacefulsolitudethatIlaydownunderatreeandpresentlyfellasleep。Iwasawakenedbythesoundofvoices，and，lookingup，beheldtwomenbendingoverme。Onewasagrizzledveteran，andtheotherayoungerdandyfiedman；bothweredressedinshootingsuits。
"Neversawsucharesemblancebeforeinallmylife，"saidtheelderman。"’Ponmysoul!iftheKinghadn’tgotshavedyesterdaybecausethePrincessFlirtiasaidhisbeardtickledher，I’dswearitwashe!"
Icouldnothelpthinkinghowluckyitwas——forthisnarrative——
thattheKingHADshaved，otherwisemystorywouldhavedegeneratedintoamereComedyofErrors。Openingmyeyes，Isaidboldly：
"NowthatyouaresatisfiedwhoIresemble，gentlemen，perhapsyouwilltellmewhoyouare？"
"Certainly，"saidtheeldercurtly。"IamSpitz——asimplecolonelofhisMajesty’s，yet，nevertheless，theonemanwhorunsthiswholedynasty——andthisyounggentlemanisFritz，mylieutenant。
Andyouare——？"
"MynameisRazorbill——brothertoLordBurleydon，"Irepliedcalmly。
"Goodheavens!anotherofthelot!"hemuttered。Then，correctinghimself，hesaidbrusquely："AnyrelationtothatEnglishwomanwhowassosweetontheoldRupertcenturiesago？"
Here，again，Isupposemysister—in—lawwouldhavehadmeknockdowntheforeigninsulterofmyEnglishancestress——butIcoloredtotherootsofmyhair，andevenfarther——withpleasureatthisproofofmyroyaldescent!Andthenacheeryvoicewasheardcalling"Spitz!"and"Fritz!"throughthewoods。
"TheKing!"saidSpitztoFritzquickly。"Hemustnotseehim。"
"Toolate，"saidFritz，asayoungmanboundedlightlyoutofthebushes。
Iwasthunderstruck!ItwasasifIhadsuddenlybeenconfrontedwithamirror——andbeheldmyself!Ofcoursehewasnotquitesogood—looking，orsotall，buthewasstillacolorableimitation!
Iwasdelighted。
Nevertheless，foramomenthedidnotseemtoreciprocatemyfeeling。Hestaredatme，staggeredbackandpassedhishandacrosshisforehead。"Canitbe，"hemutteredthickly，"thatI’vegot’emagin？YetIonlyhad——shingleglash!"
ButFritzquicklyinterposed。
"YourMajestyisallright——though，"headdedinalowervoice，"letthisbeawarningtoyouforto—morrow!ThisgentlemanisMr。
Razorbill——youknowtheoldstoryoftheRazorbills？——Ha!ha!"
ButtheKingdidnotlaugh；heextendedhishandandsaidgently，"Youarewelcome——mycousin!"Indeed，mysister—in—lawwouldhaveprobablysaidthat——dissipatedthoughhewas——hewastheonlygentlemanthere。
"Ihavecometoseethecoronation，yourMajesty，"Isaid。
"Andyoushall，"saidtheKingheartily，"andshallgowithus!
Theshowcan’tbeginwithoutus——eh，Spitz？"headdedplayfully，pokingtheveteranintheribs，"whateverMichaelmaydo!"
ThenhelinkedhisarmsinSpitz’sandmine。"Let’sgotothehut——
andhavesomesupperandfizz，"hesaidgayly。
Wewenttothehut。Wehadsupper。Weateanddrankheavily。Wedancedmadlyaroundthetable。NeverthelessIthoughtthatSpitzandFritzwereworriedbytheKing’spotations，andSpitzatlastwentsofarastoremindhisMajestythattheyweretostartearlyinthemorningforKohlslau。InoticedalsothatastheKingdrankhisspeechgrewthickerandSpitzandFritzexchangedglances。AtlastSpitzsaidwithsternsignificance：
"YourMajestyhasnotforgottenthetestinvariablysubmittedtotheKingathiscoronation？"
"Shertenlynot，"repliedtheKing，withhisrecklesslaugh。"TheKingmushbeabletopronounsh——nameofhiscountry——intel—lillil—
gibly：mushshay（hic!）：’I’mKingof——Kingof——Tootoo—tooral—
looral—anyer。’"Hestaggered，laughed，andfellunderthetable。
"Hecannotsayit!"gaspedFritzandSpitzinonevoice。"Heislost!"
"Unless，"saidFritzsuddenly，pointingatmewithaflashofintelligence，"HEcanpersonatehim，andsayit。Canyou？"heturnedtomebrusquely。
Itwasanawfulmoment。Ihadbeendrinkingheavilytoo，butI
resolvedtosucceed。"I’mKingofTrooly—rooly——"Imurmured；butIcouldnotmasterit——IstaggeredandfollowedtheKingunderthetable。
"Istherenoonehere，"roaredSpitz，"whocanshavethishdynasty，andshay’Tooral——’？No!————it!Imean’Trularlooral——’"buthe，too，lurchedhopelesslyforward。
"Noonecansay’Tooral—looral——’"mutteredFritz；and，graspingSpitzindespair，theybothrolledunderthetable。
Howlongwelaythere，Heavenknows!IwasawakenedbySpitzplayingthegardenhoseonme。Hewasbootedandspurred，withFritzbyhisside。TheKingwaslyingonabench，sayingfeebly：
"Bleshyou，mychillen。"
"BypolitelyaccedingtoBlackMichael’srequestto’tryourone—
and—sixsherry，’hehasbeenbroughttothiscondition，"saidSpitzbitterly。"It’satricktokeephimfrombeingcrowned。InthiscountryiftheKingiscrownedwhiledrunk，thekingdominstantlyrevertstoavillain——nomatterwho。ButinthiscasethevillainisBlackMichael。Ha!Whatsayyou，lad？Shallwefrustratetherascal，byhavingYOUpersonatetheKing？"
Iwas——well!——intoxicatedatthethought!Butwhatwouldmysister—in—lawsay？Wouldshe——inherNonconformistconscience——
consideritstrictlyhonorable？ButIsweptallscruplesaside。A
Kingwastobesaved!"Iwillgo，"Isaid。"LetusontoKohlslau——ridinglikethewind!"Werodelikethewind，furiously，madly。Mountedonawild，dashingbay——knownfamiliarlyasthe"BayofBiscay"fromitsroughturbulence——Ieasilykeptthelead。
Butourhorsesbegantofail。SuddenlySpitzhalted，clappedhishandtohishead，andthrewhimselffromhishorse。"Fools!"hesaid，"weshouldhavetakenthetrain!Itwillgetthereanhourbeforewewill!"Hepointedtoawaysidestationwherethe7。15
excursiontrainforKohlslauwaswaiting。
"Buthowdreadfullyunmediaeval!——Whatwillthepublicsay？"I
began。
"Botherthepublic!"hesaidgruffly。"Who’srunningthisdynasty——
youorI？Come!"WiththeassistanceofFritzhetiedupmyfacewithahandkerchieftosimulatetoothache，andthen，withashoutofdefiance，wethreerushedmadlyintoacloselypackedthird—
classcarriage。
NevershallIforgettheperils，thefatigue，thehopesandfearsofthatmadjourney。Panting，perspiring，packedtogetherwithcheaptrippers，butexaltedwiththeonehopeofsavingtheKing，weatlaststaggeredoutontheKohlslauplatformutterlyexhausted。Aswedidsoweheardadistantroarfromthecity。
Fritzturnedanashengray，Spitzalividblue。"Arewetoolate？"
hegasped，aswemadlyfoughtourwayintothestreet，whereshoutsof"TheKing!TheKing!"wererendingtheair。"CanitbeBlackMichael？"Butherethecrowdparted，andaprocession，precededbyoutriders，flashedintothesquare。Andthere，seatedinacarriagebesidethemostbeautifulred—hairedgirlIhadeverseen，wastheKing，——theKingwhomwehadlefttwohoursago，deaddrunkinthehutintheforest!
CHAPTERSIIITOXXII（Inclusive）
INWHICHTHINGSGETMIXED
Wereeledagainsteachotheraghast!Spitzrecoveredhimselffirst。"Wemustfly!"hesaidhoarsely。"IftheKinghasdiscoveredourtrick——wearelost!"
"Butwhereshallwego？"Iasked。
"Backtothehut。"
WecaughtthenexttraintoBock。Anhourlaterwestoodpantingwithinthehut。Itswallsandceilingweresplashedwithsinisterredstains。"Blood!"Iexclaimedjoyfully。"Atlastwehavearealmediaevaladventure!"
"It’sBurgundy，youfool，"growledSpitz；"goodBurgundywasted!"
AtthismomentFritzappeareddragginginthehut—keeper。
"WhereistheKing？"demandedSpitzfiercelyofthetremblingpeasant。
"HewascarriedawayanhouragobyBlackMichaelandtakentothecastle。"
"AndwhendidheLEAVEthecastle？"roaredSpitz。
"Heneverleftthecastle，sir，and，alas!Ifearneverwill，alive!"repliedtheman，shuddering。
Westaredateachother!Spitzbithisgrizzledmustache。"So，"
hesaidbitterly，"BlackMichaelhassimplyanticipateduswiththesamegame!Wehavebeentricked。IknewitcouldnotbetheKingwhomtheycrowned!No!"headdedquickly，"Iseeitall——itwasRupertofGlasgow!"
"WhoisRupertofGlasgow？"Icried。
"Oh，Ireallycan’tgooverallthatfamilyrotagain，"gruntedSpitz。"Tellhim，Fritz。"
Then，takingmeaside，FritzdelicatelyinformedmethatRupertofGlasgow——ayoungScotchman——claimedequallywithmyselfdescentfromtheoldRupert，andthatequallywithmyselfheresembledtheKing。ThatMichaelhadgotpossessionofhimonhisarrivalinthecountry，kepthimcloselyguardedinthecastle，andhadhidhisresemblanceinablackwigandfalsemustache；thattheyoungScotchman，however，seemedapparentlydevotedtoMichaelandhisplots；andtherewasundoubtedlysomesecretunderstandingbetweenthem。ThatitwasevidentlyMichael’stricktohavethepretendercrowned，andthen，byexposingthefraudandtheconditionoftherealKing，excitetheindignationofthedupedpeople，andseathimselfonthethrone!"But，"Iburstout，"shallthisbase—bornpretenderremainatKohlslaubesidethebeautifulPrincessFlirtia？
LetustoKohlslauatonceandhurlhimfromthethrone!"
"Onepretenderisasgoodasanother，"saidSpitzdryly。"ButleaveHIMtome。’TistheKingwemustprotectandsuccor!AsforthatScotchspringald，beforemidnightIshallhavehimkidnaped，broughtbacktohismasterinaclosecarriage，andyou——YOUshalltakehisplaceatKohlslau。"
"Iwill，"Isaidenthusiastically，drawingmysword；"butIhavedonenothingyet。Pleaseletmekillsomething!"
"Aye，lad!"saidSpitz，withagrimsmileatmyenthusiasm。
"There’sasheepinyourpath。Gooutandcleaveittothesaddle。
Andbringthesaddlehome!"
Mysister—in—lawmighthavethoughtmecruel——butIdidit。
CHAPXXIIIANDSOMEOTHERCHAPS
Iknownothowitwascompassed，butthatnightRupertofGlasgowwasleftboundandgaggedagainstthedoorofthecastle，andthenight—bellpulled。AndthatnightIwasseatedonthethroneoftheS’helpburgs。AsIgazedatthePrincessFlirtia，glowinginthecharacteristicbeautyoftheS’helpburgs，andadmiredherstrikingprofile，Imurmuredsoftlyandhalfaudibly："HernoseisasatowerthatlookethtowardDamascus。"
Shelookedpuzzled，andknittedherprettybrows。"Isthatpoetry？"sheasked。
"No"Isaidpromptly。"It’sonlypartofasongofourgreatAncestor。"Assheblushedslightly，IplayfullyflungaroundherfairneckthejeweledcollaroftheOrderoftheS’helpburgs——threegoldenspherespendant，quarteredfromthearmsofLombardy———withtheancientSyricmotto，ElEssDee。
Shetoyedwithitamoment，andthensaidsoftly："Youhavechanged，Rupert。Doyenokenhoo？"
Ilookedather——assurprisedatherdialectasattheimputation。
"Youdon’ttalkthatway，asyoudid。Andyoudon’tsay，’ItWILL
betwelveo’clock，’whenyoumean，’ItIStwelveo’clock，’nor’I
willbegoingout，’whenyoumean’IAM。’Andyoudidn’tsay，’Eh，sirs!’or’Eh，mon，’toanyoftheCourt——nor’Hootawa!’noranyofthosethings。And，"sheaddedwithadivinelittlepout，"youhaven’ttoldmeIwas’sonsie’or’bonnie’once。"
Icouldwithdifficultyrestrainmyself。Rage，indignation，andjealousyfilledmyheartalmosttobursting。Iunderstooditall；
thatrascallyScotchmanhadmadethemostofhistime，anddaredtogetaheadofme!IdidnotmindbeingtakenfortheKing，buttobeconfoundedwiththisinfernaldescendantofagamekeeper——wastoomuch!YetwithasuperhumaneffortIremainedcalm——andevensmiled。
"Youarenotwell？"saidthePrincessearnestly。"IthoughtyouweretakingtoomuchoftheStrasbourgpieatsupper!Andyouarenotgoing，surely——sosoon？"sheadded，asIrose。
"Imustgoatonce，"Isaid。"IhaveforgottensomeimportantbusinessatBock。"
"Notboarhuntingagain？"shesaidpoutingly。
"No，I’mhuntingareddear，"Isaidwiththatplayfulsubtletywhichwouldmakehertakeitasapersonalcompliment，thoughIwasonlythinkingofthatimpostor，andlongingtogetathim，asI
bowedandwithdrew。
InanotherhourIwasbeforeBlackMichael’scastleatBock。Thesearelightningchanges，Iknow——andthesovereigntyofTrulyruralaniaWASsomewhatitinerant——butwhenakingdomandabeautifulPrincessareatstake，whatareyoutodo？Fritzhadbeggedmetotakehimalong，butIarrangedthatheshouldcomelater，andgoupunostentatiouslyinthelift。Iwasgoingbywayofthemoat。IwastosuccortheKing，butIfearmyrealobjectwastogetatRupertofGlasgow。
Ihadnoticedthedaybeforethatalargeoutsidedrainpipe，decreedbytheBockCountyCouncil，ranfromthemoattothethirdfloorofthedonjonkeep。IsurmisedthattheKingwasimprisonedonthatfloor。Examiningthepipeclosely，Isawthatitwasreallyapneumaticdispatchtube，forsecretlyconveyinglettersanddispatchesfromthecastlethroughthemoatbeyondthecastlewalls。Itsextraordinarysize，however，gavemethehorribleconvictionthatitwastobeusedtoconveythedeadbodyoftheKingtothemoat。Igrewcoldwithhorror——butIwasdetermined。
Icreptupthepipe。AsIexpected，itopenedfunnel—wiseintoaroomwherethepoorKingwasplayingpokerwithBlackMichael。Ittookmebutamomenttodashthroughthewindowintotheroom，pushtheKingaside，gagandbindBlackMichael，andlowerhimbyastoutropeintothepipehehaddestinedforanother。Havinghiminmypower，IloweredhimuntilIheardhisbodysplashinthewaterinthelowerpartofthepipe。ThenIproceededtodrawhimupagain，intendingtoquestionhiminregardtoRupertofGlasgow。
Butthiswasdifficult，ashissaturatedclothingmadehimfitthesmoothpipeclosely。AtlastIhadhimpartlyup，whenIwasamazedatarushofwaterfromthepipewhichfloodedtheroom。I
droppedhimandpulledhimupagainwiththesameresult。TheninaflashIsawitall。Hisbody，actinglikeapistoninthepipe，hadconverteditintoapowerfulpump。Madwithjoy，Irapidlyloweredandpulledhimupagainandagain，untilthecastlewasflooded——andthemoatcompletelydrained!IhadcreatedthediversionIwished；thetenantsofthecastleweredisorganizedandbewilderedintryingtoescapefromthedeluge，andthemoatwasaccessibletomyfriends。PlacingthepoorKingonatabletobeoutofthewater，andtyinguphisheadinmyhandkerchieftodisguisehimfromMichael’sguards，IdrewmyswordandplungeddownstairswiththecataractinsearchofthemiscreantRupert。I
reachedthedrawbridge，whenIheardthesoundsoftumultandwastwicefiredat，——once，asIhavesincelearned，bymyfriends，undertheimpressionthatIwastheescapingRupertofGlasgow，andoncebyBlackMichael’smyrmidons，underthebeliefthatIwastheKing。Iwasstruckbythefactthattheseresemblanceswereconfusingandunfortunate!Atthismoment，however，Icaughtsightofakiltedfigureleapingfromalowerwindowintothemoat。Someinstinctimpelledmetofollowit。Itrapidlycrossedthemoatandplungedintotheforest，withmeinpursuit。Igaineduponit；
suddenlyitturned，andIfoundmyselfagainconfrontedwithMYSELF——andapparentlytheKing!ButthatveryresemblancemademerecognizetheScotchpretender，RupertofGlasgow。Yethewouldhavebeencalleda"brawladdie，"andhishandsomefaceshowedalaughinggoodhumor，evenwhileheopposedme，claymoreinhand。
"Bideawee，MaisterRupertRazorbill，"hesaidlightly，loweringhissword，"beforeweslitaneanither’sweasands。I’mnoclaimin’
anydescentfraekings，andI’mnoacceptin’anyauldwife’sclaversagainstmywomenforbears，asyeare!I’mjustpaidgudehonestsillerbyBlackMichaelfortheusingofmafaceandfigure——
sictimeashisMajestyistaeworsefraetrink!AndI’mcommeesionedfraeMichaeltoaskyewhatpriceYEwouldtaketojoinmeinperformingtheseduties——turnandturnaboot。Eh，laddie——buthewouldpayyemairthanthatdaftbeggar，Spitz。"
Rageanddisgustoverpoweredme。"AndTHISismyanswer，"Isaid，rushinguponhim。
IhavesaidearlierinthesepagesthatIwasa"strong"swordsman。
Inpointoffact，Ihadcarefullystudiedinthetranspontinetheatresthatformofmelodramaticmediaevalsword—playknownas"twoupandtwodown。"Tomydisgust，however，thiswretchedScotchmandidnotseemtounderstandit，butinatwinklingsentmyswordflyingovermyhead。BeforeIcouldrecoverit，hehadmountedahorsereadysaddledinthewood，and，shoutingtomethathewouldtakemy"compleements"tothePrincess，gallopedaway。
EventhenIwouldhavepursuedhimafoot，but，hearingshoutsbehindme，IturnedasSpitzandFritzrodeup。
"HastheKingescapedtoKohlslau？"askedFritz，staringatme。
"No，"Isaid，"butRupertofGlasgow"——
"——RupertofGlasgow，"growledSpitz。"We’vesettledhim!He’sgaggedandboundandisnowonhiswaytothefrontierinaclosecarriage。"
"Rupert——onhiswaytothefrontier？"Igasped。
"Yes。Twoofmymenfoundhim，disguisedwithahandkerchiefoverhisface，tryingtoescapefromthecastle。AndwhilewewerelookingfortheKing，whomwesupposedwaswithyou，theyhavesenttherascallyScotchmanhome。"
"Fool!"Igasped。"RupertofGlasgowhasjustleftme!YOUHAVE
DEPORTEDYOUROWNKING。"Andovercomebymysuperhumanexertions，Isankunconscioustotheground。
WhenIcameto，Ifoundmyselfinawagonlit，speedingbeyondtheTrulyruralaniafrontier。OnmyberthwaslyingamissivewiththesealoftheS’helpburgs。TearingitopenIrecognizedthehandwritingofthePrincessFlirtia。
MYDEARRUPERT，——Owingtotheconfusionthatarisesfromtherebeingsomanyofyou，IhaveconcludedtoacceptthehandoftheDukeMichael。ImaynotbecomeaQueen，butIshallbringresttomycountry，andMichaelassuresmeinhisplayfulmannerthat"threeofakind，""evenofthesamecolor，"donotalwayswinatpoker。ItwilltranquilizeyousomewhattoknowthattheLordChancellorassuresmethatonexaminingtherecordsofthedynastyhefindsthatmyancestorRupertneverlefthiskingdomduringhisentirereign，andthatconsequentlyyourancestresshasbeengrosslymaligned。IamsendingtypewrittencopiesofthistoRupertofGlasgowandtheKing。Farewell。
FLIRTIA。
Onceayear，atChristmastide，IreceiveasimpleforeignhamperviaCharingCross，marked"Returnempty。"Itakeitinsilencetomyownroom，andthere，openingit，Ifind——unseenbyanyothereyesbutmyown——amodestpatedefoiegras，ofthekindIatewiththePrincessFlirtia。Itakeoutthepate，replacethelabel，andhavethehamperreconveyedtoCharingCross。
THESTOLENCIGARCASE
ByA。CO——ND——LE
IfoundHemlockJonesintheoldBrookStreetlodgings，musingbeforethefire。WiththefreedomofanoldfriendIatoncethrewmyselfinmyusualfamiliarattitudeathisfeet，andgentlycaressedhisboot。Iwasinducedtodothisfortworeasons：one，thatitenabledmetogetagoodlookathisbent，concentratedface，andtheother，thatitseemedtoindicatemyreverenceforhissuperhumaninsight。Soabsorbedwasheeventhen，intrackingsomemysteriousclue，thathedidnotseemtonoticeme。ButthereinIwaswrong——asIalwayswasinmyattempttounderstandthatpowerfulintellect。
"Itisraining，"hesaid，withoutliftinghishead。
"Youhavebeenout，then？"Isaidquickly。
"No。ButIseethatyourumbrellaiswet，andthatyourovercoathasdropsofwateronit。"
Isataghastathispenetration。Afterapausehesaidcarelessly，asifdismissingthesubject："Besides，Iheartherainonthewindow。Listen。"
Ilistened。Icouldscarcelycreditmyears，buttherewasthesoftpatteringofdropsonthepanes。Itwasevidenttherewasnodeceivingthisman!
"Haveyoubeenbusylately？"Iasked，changingthesubject。"Whatnewproblem——givenupbyScotlandYardasinscrutable——hasoccupiedthatgiganticintellect？"
Hedrewbackhisfootslightly，andseemedtohesitateerehereturnedittoitsoriginalposition。Thenheansweredwearily：
"Meretrifles——nothingtospeakof。ThePrinceKupolihasbeenheretogetmyadviceregardingthedisappearanceofcertainrubiesfromtheKremlin；theRajahofPootibad，aftervainlybeheadinghisentirebodyguard，hasbeenobligedtoseekmyassistancetorecoverajeweledsword。TheGrandDuchessofPretzel—BrauntswigisdesirousofdiscoveringwhereherhusbandwasonthenightofFebruary14；andlastnight"——heloweredhisvoiceslightly——"alodgerinthisveryhouse，meetingmeonthestairs，wantedtoknowwhytheydidn’tanswerhisbell。"
Icouldnothelpsmiling——untilIsawafrowngatheringonhisinscrutableforehead。
"Prayremember，"hesaidcoldly，"thatitwasthroughsuchanapparentlytrivialquestionthatIfoundoutWhyPaulFerrollKilledHisWife，andWhatHappenedtoJones!"
Ibecamedumbatonce。Hepausedforamoment，andthensuddenlychangingbacktohisusualpitiless，analyticalstyle，hesaid：
"WhenIsaythesearetrifles，theyaresoincomparisontoanaffairthatisnowbeforeme。Acrimehasbeencommitted，——and，singularlyenough，againstmyself。Youstart，"hesaid。"Youwonderwhowouldhavedaredtoattemptit。SodidI；nevertheless，ithasbeendone。IhavebeenROBBED!"
YOUrobbed!You，HemlockJones，theTerrorofPeculators!"I
gaspedinamazement，arisingandgrippingthetableasIfacedhim。
"Yes!Listen。Iwouldconfessittonoother。ButYOUwhohavefollowedmycareer，whoknowmymethods；you，forwhomIhavepartlyliftedtheveilthatconcealsmyplansfromordinaryhumanity，——you，whohaveforyearsrapturouslyacceptedmyconfidences，passionatelyadmiredmyinductionsandinferences，placedyourselfatmybeckandcall，becomemyslave，groveledatmyfeet，givenupyourpracticeexceptthosefewunremunerativeandrapidlydecreasingpatientstowhom，inmomentsofabstractionoverMYproblems，youhaveadministeredstrychnineforquinineandarsenicforEpsomsalts；you，whohavesacrificedanythingandeverybodytome，——YOUImakemyconfidant!"
Iaroseandembracedhimwarmly，yethewasalreadysoengrossedinthoughtthatatthesamemomenthemechanicallyplacedhishanduponhiswatchchainasiftoconsultthetime。"Sitdown，"hesaid。"Haveacigar？"
"Ihavegivenupcigarsmoking，"Isaid。
"Why？"heasked。
Ihesitated，andperhapscolored。Ihadreallygivenitupbecause，withmydiminishedpractice，itwastooexpensive。I
couldaffordonlyapipe。"Ipreferapipe，"Isaidlaughingly。
"Buttellmeofthisrobbery。Whathaveyoulost？"
Hearose，andplantinghimselfbeforethefirewithhishandsunderhiscoattails，lookeddownuponmereflectivelyforamoment。"DoyourememberthecigarcasepresentedtomebytheTurkishAmbassadorfordiscoveringthemissingfavoriteoftheGrandVizierinthefifthchorusgirlattheHilarityTheatre？Itwasthatone。
Imeanthecigarcase。Itwasincrustedwithdiamonds。"
"Andthelargestonehadbeensupplantedbypaste，"Isaid。
"Ah，"hesaid，withareflectivesmile，youknowthat？"
"Youtoldmeyourself。Irememberconsideringitaproofofyourextraordinaryperception。But，byJove，youdon’tmeantosayyouhavelostit？"
Hewassilentforamoment。"No；ithasbeenstolen，itistrue，butIshallstillfindit。Andbymyselfalone!Inyourprofession，mydearfellow，whenamemberisseriouslyill，hedoesnotprescribeforhimself，butcallsinabrotherdoctor。Thereinwediffer。Ishalltakethismatterinmyownhands。"
"Andwherecouldyoufindbetter？"Isaidenthusiastically。"I
shouldsaythecigarcaseisasgoodasrecoveredalready。"
"Ishallremindyouofthatagain，"hesaidlightly。"Andnow，toshowyoumyconfidenceinyourjudgment，inspiteofmydeterminationtopursuethisalone，Iamwillingtolistentoanysuggestionsfromyou。"
Hedrewamemorandumbookfromhispocketand，withagravesmile，tookuphispencil。
Icouldscarcelybelievemysenses。He，thegreatHemlockJones，acceptingsuggestionsfromahumbleindividuallikemyself!I
kissedhishandreverently，andbeganinajoyoustone：
"First，Ishouldadvertise，offeringareward；Ishouldgivethesameintimationinhand—bills，distributedatthe’pubs’andthepastry—cooks’。Ishouldnextvisitthedifferentpawnbrokers；I
shouldgivenoticeatthepolicestation。Ishouldexaminetheservants。Ishouldthoroughlysearchthehouseandmyownpockets。
Ispeakrelatively，"Iadded，withalaugh。"OfcourseImeanYOUR
own。"
Hegravelymadeanentryofthesedetails。
"Perhaps，"Iadded，"youhavealreadydonethis？"
"Perhaps，"hereturnedenigmatically。"Now，mydearfriend，"hecontinued，puttingthenote—bookinhispocketandrising，"wouldyouexcusemeforafewmoments？MakeyourselfperfectlyathomeuntilIreturn；theremaybesomethings，"headdedwithasweepofhishandtowardhisheterogeneouslyfilledshelves，"thatmayinterestyouandwhileawaythetime。Therearepipesandtobaccointhatcorner。"
Thennoddingtomewiththesameinscrutablefacehelefttheroom。
Iwastoowellaccustomedtohismethodstothinkmuchofhisunceremoniouswithdrawal，andmadenodoubthewasofftoinvestigatesomecluewhichhadsuddenlyoccurredtohisactiveintelligence。
LefttomyselfIcastacursoryglanceoverhisshelves。Therewereanumberofsmallglassjarscontainingearthysubstances，labeled"PavementandRoadSweepings，"fromtheprincipalthoroughfaresandsuburbsofLondon，withthesub—directions"foridentifyingfoot—tracks。"Therewereseveralotherjars，labeled"FlufffromOmnibusandRoadCarSeats，""CocoanutFibreandRopeStrandsfromMattingsinPublicPlaces，""CigaretteStumpsandMatchEndsfromFloorofPalaceTheatre，RowA，1to50。"
Everywherewereevidencesofthiswonderfulman’ssystemandperspicacity。
IwasthusengagedwhenIheardtheslightcreakingofadoor，andIlookedupasastrangerentered。Hewasarough—lookingman，withashabbyovercoatandastillmoredisreputablemuffleraroundhisthroatandthelowerpartofhisface。Considerablyannoyedathisintrusion，Iturneduponhimrathersharply，when，withamumbled，growlingapologyformistakingtheroom，heshuffledoutagainandclosedthedoor。Ifollowedhimquicklytothelandingandsawthathedisappeareddownthestairs。Withmymindfulloftherobbery，theincidentmadeasingularimpressionuponme。I
knewmyfriend’shabitofhastyabsencesfromhisroominhismomentsofdeepinspiration；itwasonlytooprobablethat，withhispowerfulintellectandmagnificentperceptivegeniusconcentratedononesubject，heshouldbecarelessofhisownbelongings，andnodoubtevenforgettotaketheordinaryprecautionoflockinguphisdrawers。ItriedoneortwoandfoundthatIwasright，althoughforsomereasonIwasunabletoopenonetoitsfullestextent。Thehandlesweresticky，asifsomeonehadopenedthemwithdirtyfingers。KnowingHemlock’sfastidiouscleanliness，Iresolvedtoinformhimofthiscircumstance，butI
forgotit，alas!until——butIamanticipatingmystory。
Hisabsencewasstrangelyprolonged。Iatlastseatedmyselfbythefire，andlulledbywarmthandthepatteroftherainonthewindow，Ifellasleep。Imayhavedreamt，forduringmysleepI
hadavaguesemi—consciousnessasofhandsbeingsoftlypressedonmypockets——nodoubtinducedbythestoryoftherobbery。WhenI
camefullytomysenses，IfoundHemlockJonessittingontheothersideofthehearth，hisdeeplyconcentratedgazefixedonthefire。
"IfoundyousocomfortablyasleepthatIcouldnotbeartoawakenyou，"hesaid，withasmile。
Irubbedmyeyes。"Andwhatnews？"Iasked。"Howhaveyousucceeded？"
"BetterthanIexpected，"hesaid，"andIthink，"headded，tappinghisnote—book，"IowemuchtoYOU。"
Deeplygratified，Iawaitedmore。Butinvain。IoughttohaverememberedthatinhismoodsHemlockJoneswasreticenceitself。I
toldhimsimplyofthestrangeintrusion，butheonlylaughed。
Later，whenIarosetogo，helookedatmeplayfully。"Ifyouwereamarriedman，"hesaid，"Iwouldadviseyounottogohomeuntilyouhadbrushedyoursleeve。Thereareafewshortbrownsealskinhairsontheinnersideofyourforearm，justwheretheywouldhaveadheredifyourarmhadencircledaseal—skincoatwithsomepressure!"
"Foronceyouareatfault，"Isaidtriumphantly；"thehairismyown，asyouwillperceive；Ihavejusthaditcutatthehairdresser’s，andnodoubtthisarmprojectedbeyondtheapron。"
Hefrownedslightly，yet，nevertheless，onmyturningtogoheembracedmewarmly——arareexhibitioninthatmanofice。Heevenhelpedmeonwithmyovercoatandpulledoutandsmootheddowntheflapsofmypockets。Hewasparticular，too，infittingmyarminmyovercoatsleeve，shakingthesleevedownfromthearmholetothecuffwithhisdeftfingers。"Comeagainsoon!"hesaid，clappingmeontheback。
"Atanyandalltimes，"Isaidenthusiastically；"Ionlyasktenminutestwiceadaytoeatacrustatmyoffice，andfourhours’
sleepatnight，andtherestofmytimeisdevotedtoyoualways，asyouknow。"
"Itisindeed，"hesaid，withhisimpenetrablesmile。
Nevertheless，IdidnotfindhimathomewhenInextcalled。Oneafternoon，whennearingmyownhome，Imethiminoneofhisfavoritedisguises，——alongblueswallow—tailedcoat，stripedcottontrousers，largeturn—overcollar，blackedface，andwhitehat，carryingatambourine。Ofcoursetoothersthedisguisewasperfect，althoughitwasknowntomyself，andIpassedhim——
accordingtoanoldunderstandingbetweenus——withouttheslightestrecognition，trustingtoalaterexplanation。Atanothertime，asIwasmakingaprofessionalvisittothewifeofapublicanattheEastEnd，Isawhim，inthedisguiseofabroken—downartisan，lookingintothewindowofanadjacentpawnshop。Iwasdelightedtoseethathewasevidentlyfollowingmysuggestions，andinmyjoyIventuredtotiphimawink；itwasabstractedlyreturned。
TwodayslaterIreceivedanoteappointingameetingathislodgingsthatnight。Thatmeeting，alas!wastheonememorableoccurrenceofmylife，andthelastmeetingIeverhadwithHemlockJones!Iwilltrytosetitdowncalmly，thoughmypulsesstillthrobwiththerecollectionofit。
Ifoundhimstandingbeforethefire，withthatlookuponhisfacewhichIhadseenonlyonceortwiceinouracquaintance——alookwhichImaycallanabsoluteconcatenationofinductiveanddeductiveratiocination——fromwhichallthatwashuman，tender，orsympatheticwasabsolutelydischarged。Hewassimplyanicyalgebraicsymbol!Indeed，hiswholebeingwasconcentratedtothatextentthathisclothesfittedloosely，andhisheadwasabsolutelysomuchreducedinsizebyhismentalcompressionthathishattippedbackfromhisforeheadandliterallyhungonhismassiveears。
AfterIhadenteredhelockedthedoors，fastenedthewindows，andevenplacedachairbeforethechimney。AsIwatchedthesesignificantprecautionswithabsorbinginterest，hesuddenlydrewarevolverand，presentingittomytemple，saidinlow，icytones：
"Handoverthatcigarcase!"
Eveninmybewildermentmyreplywastruthful，spontaneous，andinvoluntary。"Ihaven’tgotit，"Isaid。
Hesmiledbitterly，andthrewdownhisrevolver。"Iexpectedthatreply!Thenletmenowconfrontyouwithsomethingmoreawful，moredeadly，morerelentlessandconvincingthanthatmerelethalweapon，——thedamninginductiveanddeductiveproofsofyourguilt!"
Hedrewfromhispocketarollofpaperandanote—book。
"Butsurely，"Igasped，"youarejoking!Youcouldnotforamomentbelieve"——
"Silence!Sitdown!"Iobeyed。
"Youhavecondemnedyourself，"hewentonpitilessly。"Condemnedyourselfonmyprocesses，——processesfamiliartoyou，applaudedbyyou，acceptedbyyouforyears!Wewillgobacktothetimewhenyoufirstsawthecigarcase。Yourexpressions，"hesaidincold，deliberatetones，consultinghispaper，were，’Howbeautiful!I
wishitweremine。’Thiswasyourfirststepincrime——andmyfirstindication。From’IWISHitweremine’to’IWILLhaveitmine，’andthemeredetail，’HOWCANImakeitmine？’theadvancewasobvious。Silence!Butasinmymethodsitwasnecessarythatthereshouldbeanoverwhelminginducementtothecrime，thatunholyadmirationofyoursforthemeretrinketitselfwasnotenough。Youareasmokerofcigars。"
"But，"Iburstoutpassionately，"ItoldyouIhadgivenupsmokingcigars。"
"Fool!"hesaidcoldly，"thatistheSECONDtimeyouhavecommittedyourself。Ofcourseyoutoldme!WhatmorenaturalthanforyoutoblazonforththatpreparedandunsolicitedstatementtoPREVENT
accusation。Yet，asIsaidbefore，eventhatwretchedattempttocoverupyourtrackswasnotenough。Istillhadtofindthatoverwhelming，impellingmotivenecessarytoaffectamanlikeyou。
ThatmotiveIfoundinthestrongestofallimpulses——Love，I
supposeyouwouldcallit，"headdedbitterly，"thatnightyoucalled!Youhadbroughtthemostconclusiveproofsofitonyoursleeve。"
"But——"Ialmostscreamed。
"Silence!"hethundered。"Iknowwhatyouwouldsay。YouwouldsaythatevenifyouhadembracedsomeYoungPersoninasealskincoat，whathadthattodowiththerobbery？Letmetellyou，then，thatthatsealskincoatrepresentedthequalityandcharacterofyourfatalentanglement!Youbarteredyourhonorforit——thatstolencigarcasewasthepurchaserofthesealskincoat!
"Silence!Havingthoroughlyestablishedyourmotive，Inowproceedtothecommissionofthecrimeitself。Ordinarypeoplewouldhavebegunwiththat——withanattempttodiscoverthewhereaboutsofthemissingobject。ThesearenotMYmethods。"
Sooverpoweringwashispenetrationthat，althoughIknewmyselfinnocent，Ilickedmylipswithaviditytohearthefurtherdetailsofthislucidexpositionofmycrime。
"YoucommittedthattheftthenightIshowedyouthecigarcase，andafterIhadcarelesslythrownitinthatdrawer。Youweresittinginthatchair，andIhadarisentotakesomethingfromthatshelf。Inthatinstantyousecuredyourbootywithoutrising。
Silence!DoyourememberwhenIhelpedyouonwithyourovercoattheothernight？Iwasparticularaboutfittingyourarmin。
WhiledoingsoImeasuredyourarmwithaspringtapemeasure，fromtheshouldertothecuff。Alatervisittoyourtailorconfirmedthatmeasurement。ItprovedtobeTHEEXACTDISTANCEBETWEENYOUR
CHAIRANDTHATDRAWER!"
Isatstunned。
"Therestaremerecorroborativedetails!YouwereagaintamperingwiththedrawerwhenIdiscoveredyoudoingso!Donotstart!Thestrangerthatblunderedintotheroomwithamuffleron——wasmyself!More，IhadplacedalittlesoaponthedrawerhandleswhenIpurposelyleftyoualone。ThesoapwasonyourhandwhenI
shookitatparting。Isoftlyfeltyourpockets，whenyouwereasleep，forfurtherdevelopments。Iembracedyouwhenyouleft——
thatImightfeelifyouhadthecigarcaseoranyotherarticleshiddenonyourbody。ThisconfirmedmeinthebeliefthatyouhadalreadydisposedofitinthemannerandforthepurposeIhaveshownyou。AsIstillbelievedyoucapableofremorseandconfession，ItwiceallowedyoutoseeIwasonyourtrack：onceinthegarbofanitinerantnegrominstrel，andthesecondtimeasaworkmanlookinginthewindowofthepawnshopwhereyoupledgedyourbooty。"
"But，"Iburstout，"ifyouhadaskedthepawnbroker，youwouldhaveseenhowunjust"——
"Fool!"hehissed，"thatwasoneofYOURsuggestions——tosearchthepawnshops!DoyousupposeIfollowedanyofyoursuggestions，thesuggestionsofthethief？Onthecontrary，theytoldmewhattoavoid。"
"AndIsuppose，"Isaidbitterly，"youhavenotevensearchedyourdrawer？"
"No，"hesaidcalmly。
Iwasforthefirsttimereallyvexed。Iwenttothenearestdrawerandpulleditoutsharply。Itstuckasithadbefore，leavingapartofthedrawerunopened。Byworkingit，however，I
discoveredthatitwasimpededbysomeobstaclethathadslippedtotheupperpartofthedrawer，andhelditfirmlyfast。Insertingmyhand，Ipulledouttheimpedingobject。Itwasthemissingcigarcase!Iturnedtohimwithacryofjoy。
ButIwasappalledathisexpression。Alookofcontemptwasnowaddedtohisacute，penetratinggaze。"Ihavebeenmistaken，"hesaidslowly；"Ihadnotallowedforyourweaknessandcowardice!I
thoughttoohighlyofyoueveninyourguilt!ButIseenowwhyyoutamperedwiththatdrawertheothernight。Bysomeinexplicablemeans——possiblyanothertheft——youtookthecigarcaseoutofpawnand，likeawhippedhound，restoredittomeinthisfeeble，clumsyfashion。Youthoughttodeceiveme，HemlockJones!
More，youthoughttodestroymyinfallibility。Go!Igiveyouyourliberty。Ishallnotsummonthethreepolicemenwhowaitintheadjoiningroom——butoutofmysightforever!"
AsIstoodoncemoredazedandpetrified，hetookmefirmlybytheearandledmeintothehall，closingthedoorbehindhim。Thisreopenedpresently，wideenoughtopermithimtothrustoutmyhat，overcoat，umbrella，andovershoes，andthenclosedagainstmeforever!
Ineversawhimagain。Iamboundtosay，however，thatthereaftermybusinessincreased，Irecoveredmuchofmyoldpractice，andafewofmypatientsrecoveredalso。Ibecamerich。IhadabroughamandahouseintheWestEnd。ButIoftenwondered，ponderingonthatwonderfulman’spenetrationandinsight，if，insomelapseofconsciousness，Ihadnotreallystolenhiscigarcase!
GOLLYANDTHECHRISTIAN，OR
THEMINXANDTHEMANXMAN
ByH——LLC——NE
BOOKI
GollyCoylewastheonlygranddaughterofavagueandsomewhatsimpleclergymanwhoexisted，withanaunt，solelyforGolly’sepistolarypurposes。Therewas，ofcourse，intermediateancestry，——
notablyadeadmotherwhowasFrench，andthereforeresponsibleforanylaternaughtinessinGolly，——buttheyhavenopurposehere。
TheylivedintheIsleofMan。GollyknewagooddealofMan，forevenattheageoftwelveshewasinlovewithJohnGale——onlysonofLordGale，whowasconnectedwiththeTempests。Gales，however，werefrequentandremarkablealongthecoast，sothatitwasnotsingularthatonedayshefoundJohn"comingon"onaheadlandwhereshewassitting。Hisdoghad"pointed"her。"It’sexceedinglyimpolitetopointtoanythingyouwant，"saidGolly。
Touchedbythis，andovercomebyastrangeemotion，JohnGaleturnedawayandwenttoCanada。Slightastheincidentwas，itshowedthatinbornchivalrytowomen，thatdesireforthePerfectLife，thatintenseeagernesstoincarnateChristianityinmodernsociety，whichafterwarddistinguishedhim。Gollylovedhim!Forallthat，shestillremaineda"tomboy"asshewas，——robbingorchards，mimickingtrampsandpolicemen，butteringthestairsandthestepsofhouses，tyingkettlestodogs’tails，andmarchinginawhitejersey，withthecurate’shaton，throughthestreetsofthevillage。"Goldernmyskin!"saidthedearoldclergyman，ashetriedtoemergefromasurplicewhichGollyhadstitchedtogether；"whatspiritsthechildDOhave!"Yeteverybodylovedher!AndwhenJohnGalereturnedfromCanada，andlookedintoherbigblueeyesonedayatchurch，smallwonderthatheimmediatelywentoffagaintoParis，andanextendedContinentalsojourn，withaseriousleaningtotheology!Gollyborehisabsencemeeklybutcharacteristically；gotaboat，disportedlikeaduckinthewater，attemptedtoelopewithaboyappropriatelynamedDrake，butencounteredahalfgaleatseaandawholeGaleinJohnonayacht，whorescuedthemboth。ConvincednowthattherewasbutonewaytoescapefromhisFate——Golly!——JohnGaletookholyordersandatoncestartedforLondon。Ashestoodonthedeckofthesteamerheheardanimbecilechuckleinhisear。Itwasthesimpleoldclergyman："YouaregoingtoLondontojointheChurch，John；Gollyisgoingthere，too，ashospitalnurse。There’sapairofyou!
He!he!Lookafterher，John，andprotectherManxsimplicity。"
BeforeJohncouldrecoverhimself，Gollywasathissideexecutingthefinalstepsofa"cellar—doorflapjig"tothelight—heartedrefrain：——
"Weareasimplefamily——weare——weare——weare!"
Andevenasherpureyoungvoicearoseabovethescreamsofthedeparturewhistle，shethrewadoubleback—somersaultonthequarterdeck，cleverlyalightingonthespikesofthewheelbeforethedelightedcaptain。
"Jinglemyelectricbells，"besaid，lookingatthebrightyoungthing，"butyou’rearegularminx——"
"Ibegyourpardon，"interruptedJohnGale，withaquickflush。
"ImeanaregularMANX，"saidthecaptainhurriedly。
AsingularpalenesscrossedthedeeplyreligiousfaceofJohn。Asthevesselroseonthewaves，hepassedhishandhurriedlyfirstacrosshisbrowsandthenoverhishigh—buttonedclericalwaistcoat，thatvisiblesignofadevotedasceticlife!Thenmurmuringinhislow，deepvoice，"Brandy，steward，"hedisappearedbelow。
BOOKII
GloriousaswereGolly’sspirits，exquisitelysimpleherworldlyignorance，andirresistibleherpowersofmimicry，strangelyenoughtheywereconsideredoutofplaceinSt。Barabbas’Hospital。A
light—hearteddispositiontomistakeablisterforapoultice；thatrareManxconscientiousnesswhichmadehergivedoubledosestothepatientsasacompensationwhenshehadomittedtogivethemasingleone，andthefacultyofburstingintosongatthebedsideofadyingpatient，producedsomelivelinessnotunmixedwithperplexityamongthehospitalstaff。Itistrue，however，thatherperformanceofclog—dancingduringthenight—watchesdrewalargerandmorepersistentattendanceofstudentsandyoungsurgeonsthaneverwasseenbefore。Yeteverybodylovedher!Evenherpatients!
"Ifitamoosesyou，miss，tomakemetykethepillswot’smeantforthelydyinthenextward，Iain’tcomplyning，"saidanEastEndnewsboy。"Whenyetykeoffthestyleofthedoctorwotwisitsme，miss，andimitateshiswyes，Lawd!itdoesmeasmuchgoodashismixtures，"saidaconsumptivecharwoman。Eventhus，oldandyoungbaskedintheradiantyouthofGolly。Shefoundtimetowritetoherfamily：——
DEAROLDPALS!I’mhere。J’ysuis!betyourboots!Whileyou’rewonderingwhathasbecomeoftheBrightYoungThing，theB。Y。T。
islookin’outofthewinderofSt。Barabbas’Hospital——justtakinginallofdear，roaring，dirtyLondoninonegulp!Suchaplace——
Lordy!I’vebeenwaitingthreehourstoseethecrowdgoby，andtheyhaven’tgoneyet!Suchcrowds，suchbusses，——allgreenandblue，onlyapennyfare，andyoucanrideontopifyouwantto!
Thinkofthat，youdearoldManxpeople!Butthere——"thebellgoesa—ringingforSarah!"——they’recallingforNurse!That’stheworstofthisjob：they’realwaysa—dyin’justasyou’regettinginterestedinsomethingelse!Ta—ta!
GOLLY!
Thenherdearoldgrandfatherwrote：
I’mwonderingwheremydiddleums，Golly，is!Weallmissyousomuch，deary，thoughwedon’tmisssomanylittlethingsaswhenyouwerehere。Mydear，conscientious，unselfishlittlegirl!Youdon’tsaywhereJohnGaleis。Ishestillprotectingyou——he—he!——
yougiddy，naughtything!PeoplewonderontheislandwhyIletyougoalonetoLondon——theyforgetyourdearmotherwasaFrenchwoman!Ifyouseeanythingyourdearoldgrandfatherwouldlike——senditon。GRANFER。
Later，herauntwrote：——
HaveyouseentheQueenyet，anddoesshewearhercrownatbreakfast？YoumightgetoverthearearailingatBuckinghamPalace——itwouldbenothingforagirllikeyoutodo——andseeifyoucanfindout。
TotheselettersGollyanswered，inherownlight—heartedway：——
DEARGRANKINS，——Ihaven’tseenJohnmuch——butIthinkhe’slikethePrivateSecretaryattheplay——he"don’tlikeLondon。"Lordy!
there——I’veletitout!I’vebeentoatheayter。NurseJinnyJonesandmescrougedintothepitonenightwithoutpaying，"pertendin’，"aswewereinuniform，wehadcometotakeouta"Lydy"thathadfainted。Suchlarks!andsuchaglorioustheayter!
I’lltellyouanothertime。TellauntytheQueen’salwaysoutwhenIcall。Butthat’snothing，everybodyelseissoaffableandpoliteinLondon。Gentlemen——"realtoffs，"theycall’em——whomyoudon’tknowfromAdam——thinknothingofspeakingtoyouinthestreet。Why，NurseJinnysays——butthereanotherpatient’sgoingoffwhobyrightsoughterhavediedonlyto—morrow。"To—morrowandto—morrowandto—morrow，"asthatbarn—stormeractorsaid。Butthey’realwayscallingforthatgiddyyoungthing，YourGOLLY。
Meantime，JohnGale，havingabruptlyleftGollyatthedoorofSt。
Barabbas’hospital，tactfullyavoidinganunseemlyaltercationwiththecab—driverregardingherexactfare，pursuedhiswaythoughtfullytotheresidenceofhisuncle，theFirstLordoftheAdmiralty。HefoundhisLordshipinhisbath—room。Hewasleaningoverthebath—tub，whichwashalffullofwater，contemplatingwithsomeanxietythemodelofaline—of—battleshipwhichwasfloatingonit，bottomupward。"Idon’tthinkitcanbequiteright——doyou？"hesaid，nervouslygraspinghisnephew’shandashepointedtothecapsizedvessel；"yettheyalwaysdoit。Tellme!"hewentonappealingly，"tellme，asaprofessingChristianandaPerfectMan——isitquiteright？"
"Ishouldthink，sir，"respondedJohnGale，withuncompromisingtruthfulness，"thattheaveragevesselofcommerceisnotbuiltinthatway。"
"Yet，"saidtheFirstLordoftheAdmiralty，withafar—offlook，"theyalldoit!Andtheydon’tsteer!Thelargertheyareandthemorerecentthemodel，thelesstheysteer。Dearme——yououghttosee’emgoroundandroundinthattub。"Then，apparentlyrecallingtheprobablepurposeofJohn’svisit，heledthewayintohisdressing—room。"SoyouareinLondon，dearboy。Isthereanylittlethingyouwant？Ihave，"hecontinued，absentlyfumblinginthedrawersofhisdressing—table，"afewcuraciesandabishopricsomewhere，butwiththeseblessedmodels——Ican’tthinkwheretheyare。Orwhatwouldyousaytoanicechaplaincyinthenavy，withabecominguniform，ononeofthosethingummies？"Hepointedtothebath—room。"Stay，"hecontinued，ashepassedhishandoverhisperplexedbrows，"nowIthinkofit——you’requiteunorthodox!
Dearme!thatwouldn’tdo。Yousee，Drake，"——hepaused，asJohnGalestarted，——"ImeanSirFrancisDrake，oncesuspendedhischaplainforunorthodoxy，accordingtoFroude’sbook。TheseadmiralsaredreadfullystrictChurchmen。Nomatter!Comeagainsomeothertime，"headded，gentlypushinghisnephewdownstairsandintothestreet，"andwe’llseeaboutit。"
Withasinkingheart，JohnturnedhisstepstowardWestminster。HewouldgoandseeGolly；perhapshehadnotlookedafterherasheought。Suddenlyarememberedvoice，inmimickingaccents，felluponhisearwiththequotation，"Doyouknow？"Then，inahansompassingswiftlybyhim，Golly，inhospitaldresswithflyingribbons，appeared，sittingbetweenLordBrownstoneEwerandFrancisHoratioNelsonDrake，completelygrownup。Andfrombehindfloatedtheinexpressiblysadrefrain，"Hitiddlihi!"
Thisishowithappened。Onemorning，JinnyJones，anotherhospitalnurse，hadsaidtoher，"Haveyouanyobjection，dear，toseeingafriendofanothergent，afriendofmine？"
"Noneintheleast，dear，"saidGolly。"Iwanttoseeallthatcanbeseen，anddoallthatcanbedoneinLondon，andknowtheglorythereof。IonlyrequirethatIshallbeallowedtoloveJohnGalewheneverhepermitsit，whichisn’toften，andthatImaybepermittedtowritesimpleletterstomydotingrelationsattherateoftwelvepagesaday，givinganaccount——MYOWNaccount——ofmydoings。There!Goonnow!Bringonyourbears。"
TheyhadvisitedthechamberswhichLordBrownstoneandDrakeoccupiedtogether，andingirlishinnocencehadputonthegentlemen’sclothesanddancedbeforethem。Thentheyallwenttothetheatre，whereGolly’sdelightfulsimplicityandchildishignoranceoftheworldhadcharmedthem。Everythingtoherwasnew，strange，andthrilling。Sheevenleanedfromthecarriagewindowstoseethe"wheelsgoround。"Shewassurprisedatthenumberofpeopleinthetheatre，andinsistedonknowingifitwaschurch，becausetheyallsatthereintheirbestclothessoquietly。Shebelievedthattheplaywasreal，andfrequently，fromastagebox，interruptedtheactingwithexplanations。Sheinformedtheheroineofthedesignofthevillainwaitingatthewings。Andwhentheagedmotheroftheheroinewasdyingofstarvationinahovel，andshethrewabagofbonbonsonthestage，withthevociferousdeclarationthat"LordBrownstonehadjustgiventhemtoher——but——Lordy!——SHEdidn’twantthem，"theywereobligedtoleadheraway，closelyfollowedbyanusherandapoliceman。"Tothink，"shewrotetoJohnGale，"thattheaudienceonlylaughedandshouted，andneverofferedtohelp!AndyetlookatthechurchesinLondon，wheretheydaretopreachthegospel!"
Firedbythissimpleletter，andalarmedbyGolly’ssimplicity，JohnGalewenttohisclericalchief，ArchdeaconLuxury，anddemandedpermissiontopreachnextSunday。"Certainly，"saidtheArchdeacon；"youshalltakemycurate’splace。IshallinformthecongregationthatyouarethesonofLordGale。Theyareveryparticularchurchmen——allsocietypeople——andofcoursewillbesatisfiedwiththeworkoftheLord，especially，"headded，withapolitesmile，"whenthatworkhappenstobe——theLordGale’sson。"
Accordingly，thenextSunday，JohnGaleoccupiedthepulpitofSt。
Swithin。Butanunexpectedeventhappened。Hispent—upeagernesstodenouncethepresentmethodsofChristianity，hisfullnessofutterance，defeatedhispurpose。Hewasovercomewithakindofpulpitfright。Hisideasoftimeandplacefledhim。Afterbeginning，"Mr。Chairman，inrisingtoproposethetoastofourworthyArchdeacon——FellowManxmen——thepresentmoment——er——er——theproudestinmy——er——life——DearlybelovedGolly——unaccustomedasI
amtopublicspeaking，"heabruptlydeliveredthebenedictionandsatdown。Theincident，however，provokedlittleattention。Thecongregation，accustomedtosleepthroughthesermon，awokeattheusualtimeandwenthome。OnlyasingleScotchwomansaidtohiminpassing："Verraweelforabeginning，laddie。Butgiveithotterto’emnexttime。"Discomfitedandbewildered，hecommunedwithhimselfgloomily。"Ican’tmarryGolly。Ican’ttalk。Ihatesociety。What’stobedone？Ihaveit!I’llgointoamonastery。"
HewentintoamonasteryinBishopsgateStreet，reachedbyathreepenny’bus。Hegaveoutvaguelythathehadgotinto"SomethingGood，intheCity。"Societywassatisfied。OnlyGollysuspectedthetruth。Shewrotetohergrandfather：——
"IsawJohnGaletheotherdaywithacrowdfollowinghimintheStrand。Hehadononlyakindofbrownsergedressing—gown，tiedaroundhiswaistbyarope，andahoodonhishead。Ithinkhispoor’toe—toes’wereinsandals，andIdaresayhislegswerecold，poordear。However，ifhecallsTHATprotectionofGolly——Idon’t!
Imightberunoffatanymoment——forallhe’dhelp。Nomatter!
IfthisCourtunderstandsherself，andshethinksshedo，Gollycantakecareofherself——youbet。"
Nevertheless，GollylostherplaceatthehospitalthroughherheroicdefenseofherfriendJinnyJones，whohadbeendeceivedbyLordBrownstoneEwer。"Youwoulddrivethatpoorgirlintothestreet，"shesaidfuriouslytotheChairmanoftheBoard，throwinghercapandapronintheirfaces。"You’realotofrottenoldhypocrites，andI’mgladtogetshutofyou。"Notcontentwiththat，shewenttoDrakeanddemandedthatheshouldmakehisfriendLordBrownstonemarryJinny。
"Sorry——awfullysorry——mydearGolly，buthe’sengagedtoarichAmericangirlwhoistopayhisdebts；butI’llseethathedoessomethinghandsomeforJinny。AndYOU，mychild，whatareYOU
goingtodowithoutasituation？"headded，withtouchingsympathy。
"Yousee，I’vesomevagueideaofmarryingyoumyself，"heconcludedmeditatively。
"Thankyoufornothing，"interruptedGollygayly，"butIcantakecareofmyselfandfollowoutmymissionlikeJohnGale。"
"There’sapairofyou，certainly，"saidDrake，withatingeofjealousbitterness。
"Youbetit’s’apair’thatwilltakeyour’twoknaves，’youandyourLordBrownstone，"returnedGolly，droppingamockcourtesy。
"Ta—ta；I’mgoingonthestage。"
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