Don'twanttoputtheaccentontheCity，dowe？"saidShoesmith，whohadafeelingforcountyfamilies，andNaylorsupportedhimbyamurmurofapproval。
"WeoughttocallittheARVONIAN，"decidedCossington，"andwemightverywellhaveunderneath，'WithwhichisincorporatedtheOBSERVER。'Thatpicksuptheoldtraditions，makesanappealtooldboysandallthat，anditgivesussomethingtoprintunderthetitle。"
IstillheldoutforCITYMERCHANDIZE，whichhadtakenmyfancy。
"Someofthechaps'peoplewon'tlikeit，"saidNaylor，"certainnotto。AnditsoundsRum。"
"SoundsWeird，"saidaboywhohadnothithertospoken。
"Wearen'tgoingtodoanythingQueer，"saidShoesmith，pointedlynotlookingatBritten。
Thequestionofthetitlehadmanifestlygoneagainstus。"Oh！HAVE
itARVONIAN，"Isaid。
"Andnext，whatsizeshallwehave？"saidCossington。
"SomethinglikeMACMILLAN'SMAGAZINE——orLONGMANS'；LONGMANS'isbetterbecauseithasawholepage，notcolumns。Itmakesnoendofdifferencetoone'seffects。"
"Whateffects？"askedShoesmithabruptly。
"Oh！apauseorawhitelineoranything。You'vegottowritecloserforadoublecolumn。It'snuggetty。Youcan'tgetaswingonyourprose。"IhaddiscussedthisthoroughlywithBritten。
"Ifthefellowsaregoingtowrite——"beganBritten。
"Weoughttokeepofffinewriting，"saidShoesmith。"It'scheek。
Ivotewedon'thaveany。"
"Wesha'n'tgetany，"saidCossington，andthenasanolivebranchtome，"unlessRemingtondoesabit。OrBritten。Butit'snogoodmakingtoomuchspaceforit。"
"Weoughttobeverycarefulaboutthewriting，"saidShoesmith。
"Wedon'twanttogiveourselvesaway。"
"IvoteweaskoldTophamtoseeusthrough，"saidNaylor。
Brittengroanedaloudandeveryoneregardedhim。"Greekepigramsonthefellows'names，"hesaid。"Smallbeerinancientbottles。
Let'sgetastuffedbroodyhentoSITonthemagazine。"
"WemightdoworsethanaGreekepigram，"saidCossington。"Oneineachnumber。It——itimpressesparentsandkeepsupourclassiealtradition。AndthemastersCANhelp。Wedon'twanttoantagonisethem。Ofcourse——we'vegottodcpartmentalise。Writingisonlyonesectionofthething。TheARVONIANhastostandfortheschool。
There'squestionsofspaceandquestionsofexpense。Wecan'tturnoutagreatchunkofprintedproselike——likewetcoldtoastandcallitamagazine。"
Brittenwrithed，appreciatingtheimage。
"There'stobeasectionofsports。YOUmustdothat。"
"I'mnotgoingtodoanyfinewriting，"saidShoesmith。
"Whatyou'vegottodoisjusttolistallthechapsandputanotetotheirplay：——'Naylorminormustpassmore。Footballisn'ttheplaceforextremeindividualism。''Ammershamshapeswellashalf-
back。'Thingslikethat。"
"Icoulddothatallright，"saidShoesmith，brighteningandmanifestlyhecomingpregnantwithjudgments。
"Onegreatthingaboutamagazineofthissort，"saidCossington，"istomentionjustasmanynamesasyoucanineachnumber。Itkeepstheinterestalive。Chapswillturnitoverlookingfortheirownlittlebit。Thenitalllightsupforthem。"
"Doyouwantanyreportsofmatches？"Shoesmithbrokefromhismeditation。
"Rather。Withcomments。"
"Naylorsurpassedhimselfandnegotiatedthelemonsafelyhome，"
saidShoesmith。
"Shutit，"saidNaylormodestly。
"Exactly，"saidCossington。"Thatgivesusthreefeatures，"
touchingthemoffonhisfingers，"Epigram，LiterarySection，Sports。Thenwewantasectiontoshoveanythinginto，ajoke，anoticeofanythingthat'sgoingon。Soon。OurNoteBook。"
"Oh，Hell！"saidBritten，andclashedhisboots，tothesilentdisapprovalofeveryone。
"Thenwewantaneditorial。"
"AWHAT？"criedBritten，withanoteofrealterrorinhisvoice。
"Well，don'twe？UnlesswehaveourNoteBooktobeginonthefrontpage。Itgivesascrappyeffecttodothat。Wewantsomethingmanlyandstraightforwardandabitthoughtful，aboutPatriotism，say，orESPRITDECORPS，orAfter-Life。"
IlookedatBritten。HithertowehadnotconsideredCossingtonmatteredverymuchintheworld。
Hewentoverusasamotor-cargoesoveradog。Therewasasortofenergyabouthim，anewsortofenergytous；wehadneverrealisedthatanythingofthesortexistedintheworld。Wewerehopelesslyatadisadvantage。Almostinstantlywehaddevelopedaclearanddetailedvisionofamagazinemadeupofeverythingthatwasmostacceptableinthemagazinesthatflourishedintheadultworldaboutus，andhaddeterminedtomakeitasuccess。Hehadbyakindofinstinct，asitwere，syntheticallyplagiarisedeverysuccessfulmagazineandbreathedintothisdustymixturethebreathoflife。
Hewaselectedathisownsuggestionmanagingdirector，withtheearnestsupportofShoesmithandNaylor，andconductedthemagazinesosuccessfullyandbrilliantlythatheevengotawholebackpageofadvertisementsfromthebigsportsshopinHolborn，andmadetheprinterspayatthesamerateforanoticeofcertainbooksoftheirownwhichtheysaidtheyhadinsertedbyinadvertencytofillupspace。TheonlyliterarycontributioninthefirstnumberwasacolumnbyTophaminfaultlessstereotypedEnglishindepreciationofsomefanciedevilcalledUtilitarianStudiesandendingwiththatnobleoldquotation：——
"TotheglorythatwasGreeceandthegrandeurthatwasRome。"
AndFlackcrowdedusoutofnumbertwowithabrightlittlepaperonthe"HumoursofCricket，"andtheHeadhimselfwasprofuselythoughtfulallovertheeditorialundertheheadingof"TheSchoolChapel；andHowitSeemstoanOldBoy。"
BrittenandIfounditdifficulttoexpresstoeachotherwithanygraceorprecisionwhatwefeltaboutthatmagazine。
CHAPTERTHEFOURTH
ADOLESCENCE
1
Ifinditverydifficulttotracehowformwasaddedtoformandinterpretationfollowedinterpretationinmyever-spreading，ever-
deepening，ever-multiplyingandenrichingvisionofthisworldintowhichIhadbeenborn。Everydayaddeditsimpressions，itshints，itssubtleexplicationstothegrowingunderstanding。Dayafterdaythelivinginterlacingthreadsofamindweavetogether。Everymorningnowforthreeweeksandmore(forto-dayisThursdayandI
startedonaTuesday)Ihavebeentryingtoconveysomeideaofthefactorsandearlyinfluencesbywhichmyparticularscrapofsubjectivetapestrywasshaped，toshowthechildplayingonthenurseryfloor，thesonperplexedbyhismother，gazingaghastathisdeadfather，exploringinterminablesuburbs，touchedbyfirstintimationsofthesexualmystery，cominginwithasortofconfusedaviditytowardsthecentresofthelifeofLondon。Itisonlybysuchanefforttowriteitdownthatonerealiseshowmarvellouslycrowded，howmarvellouslyanalyticalandsyntheticthoseearsmustbe。Onebeginswiththelittlechildtowhomtheskyisaroofofblue，theworldascreenofopaqueanddisconnectedfacts，thehomeathingeternal，and"beinggood"justsimpleobediencetounquestionedauthority；andonecomesatlasttothevastworldofone'sadultperception，pierceddeepbyflaringsearchlightsofpartialunderstanding，heremaskedbymists，hererefractedanddistortedthroughhalftranslucentveils，hereshowingbroadprospectsandlimitlessvistasandhereimpenetrablydark。
Irecallphasesofdeepspeculation，doubtsandevenprayersbynight，andstrangeoccasionswhenbyasortofhypnoticcontemplationofnothingnessIsoughttopiercethewebofappearancesaboutme。Itishardtomeasurethesethingsinrecedingperspective，andnowIcannottrace，socloselyhasmoodsucceededandoverlaidandobliteratedmood，thephasesbywhichanutterhorrorofdeathwasreplacedbythegrowingrealisationofitsnecessityanddignity。Difficultyoftheimaginationwithinfinitespace，infinitetime，entangledmymind；andmoraldistressforthepainandsufferingofbygoneagesthatmadeallthoughtofreformationinthefutureseembutthegrimmestironyuponnowirreparablewrongs。Manyanintricateperplexityofthesebroadeningyearsdidnotsomuchgetsettledasceasetomatter。
Lifecrowdedmeawayfromit。
Ihaveconfessedmyselfatemerarioustheologian，andinthatpassagefromboyhoodtomanhoodIrangedwidelyinmysearchforsomepermanentlysatisfyingTruth。That，too，ceasedafteratimetobeurgentlyinteresting。Icameatlastintoaphasethatendurestothisday，ofabsolutetranquillity，ofabsoluteconfidenceinwhateverthatIncomprehensibleComprehensivewhichmustneedsbethesubstratumofallthings，maybe。FeelingOFIT，feelingBYIT，Icannotfeelafraidofit。IthinkIhadgotquiteclearlyandfinallytothatadjustmentlongbeforemyCambridgedaysweredone。Iamsurethattheevilinlifeistransitoryandfinitelikeanaccidentordistressinthenursery；thatGodismyFatherandthatImaytrustHim，eventhoughlifehurtssothatonemustneedscryoutatit，eventhoughitshowsnoconsequencebutfailure，nopromisebutpain……
ButwhileIwasfearlessoftheologyImustconfessitwascomparativelylatebeforeIfacedanddaredtoprobethesecreciesofsex。Iwasafraidofsex。Ihadaninstinctiveperceptionthatitwouldbealargeanddifficultthinginmylife，butmyearlytrainingwasallinthedirectionofregardingitasanirrelevantthing，assomethingdisconnectedfromallthebroadsignificancesoflife，ashostileanddisgracefulinitsquality。Theworldwasneversoemasculatedinthought，Isuppose，asitwasintheVictoriantime……
Iwasafraidtothinkeitherofsexor(whatIhavealwaysfoundinseparablefromakindofsexualemotion)beauty。EvenasaboyI
knewthethingasahauntingandalluringmysterythatItriedtokeepawayfrom。Itsdimpresenceobsessedmenonethelessforalltheextravagantdecency，thestimulatingsilencesofmyupbringing……
TheplasterVenusesandApollosthatusedtoadornthevastaisleandhugegreyterracesoftheCrystalPalacewerethefirstintimationsofthebeautyofthebodythatevercameintomylife。
AsIwriteofitIfeelagaintheshamefulattractionofthosegraciousforms。Iusedtolookatthemnotsimply，butcuriouslyandaskance。OnceatleastinmylaterdaysatPenge，Ispentashillinginadmissionchieflyforthesakeofthem……
Thestrangestthingofallmyoddandsolitaryupbringingseemstomenowthatswathingupofallthesplendoursoftheflesh，thatstrangecombinationoffanaticalterrorismandshynessthatfencedmeaboutwithprohibitions。Itcausedmetogrowup，Iwillnotsayblanklyignorant，butwithanignoranceblurredanddishonouredbyshame，byenigmaticalwarnings，bycultivatedaversions，anignoranceinwhichafascinatedcuriosityanddesirestruggledlikeathinginanet。IknewsolittleandIfeltsomuch。TherewasindeednoAphroditeatallinmyyouthfulPantheon，butinsteadtherewasamysteriousandminatorygap。IhavetoldhowatlastanewVenuswasborninmyimaginationoutofgaslampsandthetwilight，aVenuswithacockneyaccentanddarkeyesshiningoutofthedusk，aVenuswhowasawarm，passion-stirringatmosphereratherthanincarnateinabody。AndIhavetold，too，howIboughtapicture。
Allthiswasathingapartfromtherestofmylife，alockedavoidedchamber……
ItwasnotuntilmylastyearatTrinitythatIreallybrokedownthebarriersofthisunwholesomesilenceandbroughtmysecretbroodingstothelightofday。Thenalittlesetofusplungedsuddenlyintowhatwecalledatfirstsociologicaldiscussion。I
canstillrecalleventhephysicalfeelingofthosefirsttentativetalks。IrememberthemmostlyasoccurringintheroomsofTedHatherleigh，whokeptatthecornerbytheTrinitygreatgate，butwealsousedtotalkagooddealataman'sinKing's，amannamed，ifIrememberrightly，Redmayne。TheatmosphereofHatherleigh'sroomswasahazeoftobaccosmokeagainstabackgroundbrownanddeep。Heprofessedhimselfasocialistwithanarchisticleanings——
hehadsufferedthemartyrdomofduckingforit——andahugeFrenchMay-dayposterdisplayingasplendidproletarianinredandblackonabarricadeagainstaflaringorangesky，dominatedhisdecorations。
Hatherleighaffectedafineuntidiness，andalltheplace，eventhefloor，waslitteredwithbooks，forthemostpartopenandfacedownward；deeperdarknessesweresuppliedbyadiscardedgownandourcaps，allconscientiouslybattered，Hatherleigh'sfloppedlikeanelephant'searandinsertedquillpenssupportedthecornersofmine；thehighlightsofthepicturecamechieflyasreflectionsfromhischequeredbluemugsfullofauditale。Wesatonoakchairs，exceptthefourorfivewhocrowdedonacapacioussettle，wedrankalotofbeerandwereoftenfuddled，andoccasionallyquitedrunk，andweallsmokedreckless-lookingpipes，——therewasatransientfashionamongusforcorncobsforwhichMarkTwain，Ithink，wasresponsible。Ourlittleexcesseswithliquorwereduefarmoretoconsciencethanappetite，indicatedchieflyaresolvetobreakawayfromrestraintsthatwesuspectedwerekeepingusofftheinstructiveknife-edgesoflife。HatherleighwasagoodEnglishmanoftheprematuretypewitharedface，alotofhair，adeepvoiceandanexplosiveplungingmanner，anditwashewhosaidoneevening——Heavenknowshowwegottoit——"Lookhere，youknow，it'sallRot，thisShuttingUpaboutWomen。WeOUGHTtotalkaboutthem。
Whatarewegoingtodoaboutthem？It'sgottocome。We'reallfesteringinsideaboutit。Let'soutwithit。There'stoomuchDecencyaltogetheraboutthisInfernalUniversity！"
Werosetohischallengealittleawkwardlyandourfirsttalkwasclumsy，therewereflushedfacesandredears，andIrememberHatherleighbrokeoutintoamonologueondecency。"ModestyandDecency，"saidHatherleigh，"areOrientalvices。TheJewsbroughtthemtoEurope。They'reSemitic，justlikeourmonasticismhereandtheseclusionofwomenandmutilatingthedeadonabattlefield。
Andallthatsortofthing。"
Hatherleigh'smindprogressedbyhugeleaps，leapsthatwereusuallywildlyinaccurate，andforatimeweengagedhotlyuponthetopicofthoseallegedmutilationsandtheSemiticresponsibilityfordecency。HatherleightriedhardtosaddletheSemiticracewiththelesselegantwarcustomsoftheSoudanandthenorthwestfrontierofIndia，andquotedDoughty，atthattimealittle-knownauthor，andCunninghameGrahamtoshowthattheArabwasworsethanacounty-
townspinsterinhisregardforrespectability。Buthiscasewastoopreposterous，andEsmeer，withhisshrillpenetratingvoiceandhiswayofpointingwithallfourlongfingersflattogether，carriedthepointagainsthim。HequotedCatoandRomanlawandthemonasteriesofThibet。
"Well，anyway，"saidHatherleigh，escapingfromourhandslikeanintellectualfrog，"Semiticornot，I'vegotnousefordecency。"
WearguedpointsandHatherleighprofessedanunusuallybalancedandtoleratingattitude。"Idon'tmindacertainrefinementanddignity，"headmittedgenerously。"WhatIobjecttoisthisspreadingoutofdecencyuntilitdarkensthewholesky，untilitmakesaman'sfatherafraidtospeakofthemostimportantthings，untilitmakesamanafraidtolookafrankbookinthefaceorthink——eventhink！untilitleadstoourcomingto——tothebusinessatlastwithnothingbutafewprohibitions，afewhints，alotofdirtyjokesand，and"——hewavedahandandseemedtoseekandcatchhisimageintheair——"oh，aconfoundedbutteredslideofsentiment，toguideus。ItellyouI'mgoingtothinkaboutitandtalkaboutituntilIseealittlemoredaylightthanIdoatpresent。I'mtwenty-two。Thingsmighthappentomeanywhen。Youmencangooutintotheworldifyoulike，tosinlikefoolsandmarrylikefools，notknowingwhatyouaredoingandashamedtoask。
You'lltaketheconsequences，too，Iexpect，prettymeekly，sniggeringabit，sentimentalisingabit，like——likeCambridgehumorists……ImeantoknowwhatI'mdoing。"
Hepausedtodrink，andIthinkIcutinwithideasofmyown。Butoneisapttoforgetone'sownshareinatalk，Ifind，morethanonedoestheclear-cutobjectivityofotherpeople's，andIdonotknowhowfarIcontributedtothisdiscussionthatfollowed。Iam，however，prettycertainthatitwasthenthatidealthatwewerepleasedtocallaristocracyandwhichsoonbecamethecommonpropertyofoursetwasdeveloped。ItwasEsmeer，Iknow，wholaiddownandmaintainedthepropositionthatsofarasmindswenttherewerereallyonlytwosortsofmanintheworld，thearistocratandthemanwhosubdueshismindtootherpeople's。
"'Icouldn'tTHINKofit，Sir，'"saidEsmeerinhiselucidatorytones；"that'swhataservantsays。Hismindevenisbrokenintorunbetweenfences，andheadmitsit。WE'VEgottoheabletothinkofanything。And'suchthingsaren'tfortheLikesofUs！'That'sanotherservant'ssaying。Well，everythingISfortheLikesofUs。
Ifweseefit，thatis。"
Asmallfresh-colouredmaningreyobjected。
"Well，"explodedHatherleigh，"ifthatisn'tsowhatthedeuceareweupherefor？Insteadofworkinginmines？Ifsomethingsaren'ttobethoughtaboutever！We'vegottheprivilegeofalltheseextrayearsforgettingthingsstraightinourheads，andthenwewon'tuse'em。GoodGod！whatdoyouthinkauniversity'sfor？"……
Esmeer'sideacamewithaneffectofrealemancipationtoseveralofus。Wewerenotgoingtobeafraidofideasanylonger，weweregoingtothrowdowneverybarrierofprohibitionandtaketheminandseewhatcameofit。Webecameforatimeevenintemperatelyexperimental，andoneofus，atthebaresuggestionofaneminentpsychicinvestigator，tookhashishandverynearlydiedofitwithinafortnightofourgreatelucidation。
Thechiefmatterofourinterchangeswasofcoursethediscussionofsex。Oncethethemehadbeenopeneditbecameasoreplaceinourintercourse；noneofusseemedabletokeepawayfromit。Ourimaginationsgotastirwithit。Wemadeupforlosttimeandwentrounditandthroughitandoveritexhaustively。IrecallprolongeddiscussionofpolygamyonthewaytoRoyston，muddyNovembertrampstoMadingley，whenamidstmuchprofanityfromHatherleighattheserioustreatmentofsoobsoleteamatter，weweighedthereasons，ifany，fortheinstitutionofmarriage。Thefinedimnight-timespacesoftheGreatCourtareboundupwiththeinconclusivefinalesofmightyhot-earedwrangles；thenarrowsofTrinityStreetandPettyCuryandMarketHillhavetheirparticularassociationsformewiththatspateofconfessionandfreespeech，thatalmostpainfulgoaldeliveryoflongpentandcrappledandsometimescrippledideas。
AndwewentonareadingpartythatEastertoaplacecalledPulboroughinSussex，wherethereisafishinginnandariverthatgoesunderabridge。ItwasalateEasterandablazingone，andweboatedandbathedandtalkedofbeingHellenicandthebeautyofthebodyuntilatmomentsitseemedtousthatweweredestinedtorestoretheGoldenAge，bythesimpleabolitionoftailorsandoutfitters。
Thoseundergraduatetalks！howrichandglorioustheyseemed，howsplendidlynewtheideasthatgrewandmultipliedinourseethingminds！WemadelongafternoonandeveningraidsovertheDownstowardsArundel，andwouldcometrampingbackthroughthestillkeenmoonlightsingingandshouting。Weformedromanticfriendshipswithoneanother，andgrievedmoreorlessconvincinglythattherewerenosplendidwomenfittobeourcompanionsintheworld。ButHatherleigh，itseemed，hadonceknownagirlwhosehairwasgloriouslyred。"MyGod！"saidHatherleightoconveythequalityofher；justsimplyandwithprojectileviolence："MyGod！
Bentonhadheardofawomanwholivedwithamanrefusingtobemarriedtohim——wethoughtthatsplendidbeyondmeasure，——Icannotnowimaginewhy。Shewas"likeatendergoddess，"Bentonsaid。A
sortofshamecameuponusinthedarkinspiteofourliberalintentionswhenBentoncommittedhimselftothat。Andaftersuchtalkwewouldfallupongreatpausesofemotionaldreaming，andifbychancewepassedagirlinagovernesscart，orsomefarmer'sdaughterwalkingtothestation，webecamealertlysilentorobstreperouslyindifferenttoher。Formightshenotbejustthatoneexceptiontothebanaldecency，thesicklypointlessconventionality，theshammodestyofthetimesinwhichwelived？
Wefeltwestoodforanewmovement，notrealisinghowperenniallythissameemancipationreturnstothoseancientcourtsbesidetheCam。Weweretheanti-decencyparty，wediscoveredacatchphrasethatweflourishedaboutintheUnionandmadeourwatchword，namely，"starkfact。"Wehungnudepicturesinourroomsmuchasiftheyhadbeenflags，totheearnestconcernofourbedders，andI
disinterredmylong-keptengravingandhaditframedinfumedoak，andfoundforitacompleterandlessrestrainedcompanion，acompanionInevercaredforintheslightestdegree……
Thisefflorescencedidnotprevent，Ithinkindeeditratherhelped，ourmoreformaluniversitywork，formostofustookfirsts，andthreeofusgotFellowshipsinoneyearoranother。TherewasBentonwhohadaResearchFellowshipandwenttoTubingen，therewasEsmeerandmyselfwhobothbecameResidentialFellows。IhadtakentheMentalandMoralScienceTripos(asitwasthen)，andthreeyearslaterIgotalectureshipinpoliticalscience。InthosedaysitwasdisguisedinthecloakofPoliticalEconomy。
2
Itwasouraffectationtobealittledetachedfromthemainstreamofundergraduatelife。Weworkedprettyhard，butbyvirtueofourbeer，oursocialismandsuchlikeheterodoxy，heldourselvestobedifferentiatedfromtheswattingreadingman。Noneofus，exceptBaxter，whowasarowingblue，aratherabnormalbluewithanappetiteforideas，tookgamesseriouslyenoughtotrain，andontheotherhandweintimatedcontemptfortherathermediocre，deliberatelyhumorous，consciouslygentlemanlyandconsciouslywildundergraduatemenwhomadeupthemassofCambridgelife。Afterthemannerofyouthwewerealtogethertoohardonourcontemporaries。
Webatteredourcapsandtoreourgownslesttheyshouldseemnew，andwedespisedtheseothersextremelyfordoingexactlythesamethings；wehadanideaofourselvesandresentedbeyondmeasureasimilarweaknessintheseourbrothers。
Therewasatype，oratleastthereseemedtoustobeatype——I'malittledoubtfulattimesnowwhetherafterallwedidn'tcreateit——
forwhichHatherleighinventedthenicknamethe"PinkyDinkys，"
intendingtherebybothcontemptandabhorrenceinalmostequalmeasure。ThePinkyDinkysummarisedallthatweparticularlydidnotwanttobe，andalso，Inowperceive，muchofwhatwewereandallthatwesecretlydreadedbecoming。
ButitishardtoconveythePinkyDinkyidea，forallthatitmeantsomuchtous。WespentoneeveningatleastduringthatreadingpartyuponthePinkyDinky；wesataboutouronefireafterawalkintherain——itwasouronlywetday——smokedourexcessivelyvirilepipes，andelaboratedthenaturalhistoryofthePinkyDinky。WeimprovisedasortofPinkyDinkylitany，andHatherleighsupplieddeepnotesfortheresponses。
"ThePinkyDinkyextractsagooddealofamusementfromlife，"saidsomeone。
"Damnedprig！"saidHatherleigh。
"ThePinkyDinkyarisesintheUnionandtreatsthequestionwithalightgaytouch。Hemakestheweirdonesmad。Butsometimeshecannotgoonbecauseoftheamusementheextracts。"
"Iwanttoshybooksatthegigglingswine，"saidHatherleigh。
"ThePinkyDinkysayssuddenlywhileheismakingthetea，'We'reallbeingfrightfullyfunny。It'stimeforyoutosaysomethingnow。'"
"ThePinkyDinkyshakeshisheadandsays：'I'mafraidIshallneverbearesponsiblebeing。'AndhereallyISfrivolous。"
"Frivolousbutnotvulgar，"saidEsmeer。
"PinkyDinkysarechapswho'vehadtheirbudsnipped，"saidHatherleigh。"They'rePlebsandtheyknowit。Theyhaven'ttheGutstogetholdofthings。Andsotheyworryupallthosesillylittlejokesoftheirstocarryitoff。"……
Wetriedbadonesforatime，viciouslyflavoured。
PinkyDinkysareduetoover-productionofthetypethatoughttokeepoutfitters'shops。PinkyDinkyswouldliketokeepoutfitters'
shopswithwhimsy'scriptionsontheboxesandmakeyourbilloutfunny，andnotbesnobstocustomers，no！——noteveniftheyhadtitles。"
"EveryPinkyDinky'speoplearerathergoodpeople，andbetterthanmostPinkyDinky'speople。Buthedoesnotputonside。"
"PinkyDinkysbecomeplayfulatthesightofwomen。"
"'Croquet'smygame，'saidthePinkyDinky，andfeltamancondescended。"
"Butwhatthedevildotheythinkthey'reupto，anyhow？"roaredoldHatherleighsuddenly，droppingplumpintobottomlessdespair。
WefeltwehadstillfailedtogetatthecoreofthemysteryofthePinkyDinky。
Wetriedoverthingsabouthisreligion。"ThePinkyDinkygoestoKing'sChapel，andsitsandfeelsinthedusk。Solemnthings！OhHUSH！Hewouldn'ttellyou——"
"HeCOULDN'Ttellyou。"
"Religionissosacredtohimhenevertalksaboutit，neverreadsaboutit，neverthinksaboutit。Justfeels！"
"Butinhisheartofhearts，oh！eversodeep，thePinkyDinkyhasadoubt——"
Someoneprotested。
"Notavulgardoubt，"Esmeerwenton，"butakindofhesitationwhethertheAncientofDaysisreallyexactlywhatonewouldcallgoodform……There'salotofhorridcoarsenessgotintotheworldsomehow。SOMEBODYputitthere……Andanyhowthere'snoparticularreasonwhyamanshouldbeseenaboutwithHim。He'sjollyAwfulofcourseandallthat——"
"ThePinkyDinkyforallhisfunandlevityhasacleanmind。"
"Athoroughlycleanmind。NotlikeEsmeer's——thePig！"
"Ifoncehebegantothinkaboutsex，howcouldhebecomfortableatcroquet？"
"It'stheirDamnedModesty，"saidHatherleighsuddenly，"that'swhat'sthematterwiththePinkyDinky。It'sMentalCowardicedressedupasavirtueandtakingthepoordearsin。Cambridgeissoakedwithit；it'ssomeconfoundedlocalbacillus。LikethethingthatgivesaflavourtoHavanacigars。Hecomesupheretobemadeintoamanandarulerofthepeople，andhethinksitshowsanicedispositionnottotakeonthejob！HowtheDevilisagreatEmpiretoberunwithmenlikehim？"
"Allhislittlejokesandthings，"saidEsmeerregardinghisfeetonthefender，"it'sjustanervoussniggering——becausehe'safraid……
Oxford'snobetter。"
"What'sheafraidof？"saidI。
"Godknows！"explodedHatherleighandstaredatthefire。
"LIFE！"saidEsmeer。"Andsoinawayarewe，"headded，andmadeathoughtfulsilenceforatime。
"Isay，"beganCarter，whowasdoingtheNaturalScienceTripos，"whatistheadultformofthePinkyDinky？"
Buttherewewerecheckedbyourignoranceoftheworld。
"Whatistheadultformofanyofus？"askedBenton，voicingthethoughtthathadarrestedourflow。
3
IdonotrememberthatweeverliftedourcriticismtothedonsandtheorganisationoftheUniversity。Ithinkwetookthemforgranted。WhenIlookbackatmyyouthIamalwaysastonishedbythemultitudeofthingsthatwetookforgranted。ItseemedtousthatCambridgewasintheorderofthings，foralltheworldlikehavingeyebrowsoravermiformappendix。NowwiththelargerscepticismofmiddleageIcanentertainveryfundamentaldoubtsabouttheseolduniversities。IndeedIhadascheme——
IdonotseewhatharmIcandonowbylayingbarethepurposeofthepoliticalcombinationsIwastryingtoeffect。
Myeducationalschemewasindeedthestarting-pointofallthebigprojectofconsciouspublicreconstructionatwhichIaimed。I
wantedtobuildupaneweducationalmachinealtogetherforthegoverningclassoutofaconsolidatedsystemofspecialpublicserviceschools。ImeanttogettoworkuponthiswhateverofficeI
wasgiveninthenewgovernment。IcouldhavebegunmyplanfromtheAdmiraltyortheWarOfficequiteaseasilyasfromtheEducationOffice。Iamfirmlyconvinceditishopelesstothinkofreformingtheoldpublicschoolsanduniversitiestomeettheneedsofamodernstate，theysendtheirrootstoodeepandfar，thecostwouldexceedanygoodthatcouldpossiblybeeffected，andsoIhavesoughtawayroundthisinvincibleobstacle。Idothinkitwouldbequitepracticabletoside-track，astheAmericanssay，thewholesystembycreatinghardworking，hard-living，modernandscientificboys'schools，firstfortheRoyalNavyandthenforthepublicservicegenerally，andastheygrew，openingthemtothepublicwithoutanyabsoluteobligationtosubsequentservice。
Simultaneouslywiththisitwouldnotbeimpossibletodevelopanewcollegesystemwithstrongfacultiesinmodernphilosophy，modernhistory，Europeanliteratureandcriticism，physicalandbiologicalscience，educationandsociology。
Wecouldinfactcreateanewliberaleducationinthisway，andcuttheumbilicusoftheclassicallanguagesforgoodandall。Ishouldhavesetthisgoing，andtrustedittocorrectorkilltheoldpublicschoolsandtheOxfordandCambridgetraditionaltogether。I
hadmeninmymindtobeginthework，andIshouldhavefoundothers。Ishouldhaveaimedatmakingahard-trained，capable，intellectuallyactive，proudtypeofman。Everythingelsewouldhavebeenmadesubservienttothat。Ishouldhavekeptmygriponthementhroughtheirvacation，andsomehoworotherIwouldhavecontrivedayoungwomantomatchthem。IthinkIcouldhaveseentoiteffectuallyenoughthattheydidn'tgetatcroquetandtenniswiththevicaragedaughtersanddiscoversexinthePeepingTomfashionIdid，andthattheyrealisedquiteearlyinlifethatitisn'treallyviriletoreekoftobacco。Ishouldhavehadmilitarymanoeuvres，trainingships，aeroplanework，mountaineeringandsoforth，intheplaceofthesolemntrivialitiesofgames，andI
shouldhavefedandhousedmymencleanandveryhard——wheretherewasn'tanyauditale，nocredittradesmen，andplentyofhighpressuredouches……
IhaverevisitedCambridgeandOxfordtimeaftertimesinceIcamedown，andsofarastheEmpiregoes，Iwanttogetclearofthosetwoplaces……
AlwaysIrenewmyoldfeelings，aphysicaloppression，asenseoflownessanddampnessalmostexactlylikethefeelingofanundergroundroomwherepapermouldersandleavesthewall，afeelingofineradicablecontagionintheGothicbuildings，inthenarrowditch-likerivers，inthoseroadsandroadsofstuffylittlevillas。
Thoselittlevillashavedestroyedallthegoodoftheoldmonasticsystemandnoneofitsevil……
Someofthemostcharmingpeopleintheworldliveinthem，buttheircollectiveeffectisbelowthequalityofanyindividualamongthem。Cambridgeisaworldofsubduedtones，ofexcessivelysubtlehumours，ofprimconductandfreethinking；itfearstheParent，butithasnofearofGod；itoffersamidstsurroundingsthatvarybetweendisguisesandantiquariancharmtheinflammationofliterature'spurpledraught；onehearsthereapeculiarthinscandallikenootherscandalintheworld——acovetousscandal——sothatIamalwaysremindedofIbseninCambridge。InCambridgeandtheplaysofIbsenalonedoesitseemappropriatefortheheroinebeforethegreatcrisisoflifeto"enter，takeoffherovershoes，andputherwetumbrellauponthewritingdesk。"……
WehavetomakeanewAcademicmindformodernneeds，andthelastthingtomakeitoutof，Iamconvinced，istheoldAcademicmind。
OnemightassoontrytofaketheoldVICTORYatPortsmouthintoalineofbattleshipagain。BesideswhichtheoldAcademicmind，likethoseoldbathless，dampGothiccolleges，ismuchtoodelightfulinitspeculiaranddistinctivewaytodamagebyfutilepatching。
MyheartwarmstoasenseofaffectionateabsurdityasIrecalldearoldCodger，surelythemost"unleaderly"ofmen。NomorethanfromtheoldSchoolmen，hiskindred，couldonegetfromhimaSchoolforPrinces。YetapartfromhisteachinghewasascuriousandadorableasagoodNetsuke。UntilquiterecentlyhewasapowerinCambridge，hecouldmakeandbaranddestroy，andinawayhehasbecomethequintessenceofCambridgeinmythoughts。
Iseehimonhiswaytothemorning'slecture，withhisplumpchildishface，hisroundinnocenteyes，hisabsurdlynon-prehensilefathandcarryinghiscap，hisgreytrousersbracedupmuchtoohigh，hisfeetatrifleinturned，andgoingacrossthegreatcourtwithaqueertrippingpacethatseemedcultivatedeventomynaiveundergraduateeye。OrIseehimlecturing。Helecturedwalkingupanddownbetweenthedesks，talkinginaflutingrapidvoice，andwiththeutmostlucidity。Ifhecouldnotwalkupanddownhecouldnotlecture。Hismindandvoicehadpreciselythefluidqualityofsomeclearsubtleliquid；onefeltitcouldflowroundanythingandovercomenothing。Anditsnimbleeddieswerewonderful！OragainI
recallhimdrinkingportwithlittlemuscularmovementsinhisneckandcheekandchinandhisbrowsknit——veryjudicial，veryconcentrated，preparingtosaytheaptjustthing；itwasthelastthinghewouldhavetoldalieabout。
WhenIthinkofCodgerIamremindedofaninscriptionIsawonsomeoccasioninRegent'sParkabovetwoeyesscarcelymorelimpidlyinnocentthanhis——"BornintheMenagerie。"NeveroncesinceCodgerbegantodisplaytheearlypromiseofscholarshipattheageofeightormore，hadhebeenoutsidethebars。Hisutmosttravelhadbeentolecturehereandlecturethere。Hisstudentphasehadculminatedinpapersofquiteexceptionalbrilliance，andhehadgoneontolecturewithacheerfulcombinationofwitandmannerismthathadmadehimasuccessfromthebeginning。Hehaslecturedeversince。Helecturesstill。Yearbyyearhehasbecomeplumper，morerubicundandmoreandmoreofanitemfortheintelligentvisitortosee。Eveninmytimehewaspointedouttopeopleaspartofourinnumerableenrichments，andobviouslyheknewit。HehasbecomenowalmosttheleadingCharacterinalittledonnishworldofmuchtoointenselyappreciatedCharacters。
Heboastedhetooknoexercise，andalsoofhisknowledgeofportwine。Ofotherwinesheconfessedquitefranklyhehadno"specialknowledge。"BeyondthesethingshehadlittleprideexceptthatheclaimedtohavereadeverynovelbyawomanwriterthathadeverenteredtheUnionLibrary。This，however，heheldtoberemarkableratherthanennobling，andsuchboastsashemadeofitweretingedwithplayfulness。Certainlyhehadascholar'sknowledgeoftheworksofMissMarieCorelli，MissBraddon，MissElizabethGlynandMadameSarahGrandthatwouldhaveastonishedandflatteredthoseladiesenormously，andhelovednothingsomuchinhishoursofrelaxationastopropoundandanswerdifficultquestionsupontheirbooks。TusherofKing'swashisineffectualrivalinthisfield，theirboutswerememorableandrarelyotherthangloriousforCodger；butthenTusherspreadhimselftoomuch，healsoundertooktorehearsewholepagesoutofBradshaw，andtellyouwithallthechangeshowtogetfromanystationtoanystationinGreatBritainbythenearestandcheapestroutes……
Codgerlodgedwithalittledeafinnocentoldlady，Mrs。AramintaMergle，whowasunderstoodtobeherselfaveryredoubtableCharacterintheGyp-Bedderclass；aboutherherelatedquietlyabsurdanecdotes。HedisplayedamarvellousinventioninascribingtoherplausibleexpressionsofopinionentirelyidenticalinimportwiththoseoftheOxfordandHarvardPragmatists，againstwhomhewagedafierceobscurewar……
ItwasCodger'sfunctiontoteachmephilosophy，philosophy！theintimatewisdomofthings。HedealtinavarietyofHegelianstufflikenothingelseintheworld，butmarvellouslyconsistentwithitself。Itwasawonderfulwebhespunoutofthatqueerbigactivechildishbrainthathadneverlustednorhatednorgrievednorfearednorpassionatelyloved，——awebofiridescentthreads。HehadluminousfinaltheoriesaboutLoveandDeathandImmortality，oddmatterstheyseemedforhimtothinkabout！andallhiswoventhoughtslayacrossmyperceptionoftherealitiesofthings，asflimsyandirrelevantandcleverandbeautiful，oh！——asadew-wetspider'swebslunginthemorningsunshineacrosstheblackmouthofagun……
4
AllthroughthoseyearsofdevelopmentIperceivenowtheremusthavebeengrowinginme，slowly，irregularly，assimilatingtoitselfallthephrasesandformsofpatriotism，divertingmyreligiousimpulses，utilisingmyesthetictendencies，mydominatingidea，thestatesman'sidea，thatideaofsocialservicewhichistheprotagonistofmystory，thatrealthoughcomplexpassionforMaking，makingwidelyandgreatly，cities，nationalorder，civilisation，whoseinterplaywithallthoseotherfactorsinlifeI
havesetouttopresent。Itwasgrowinginme——asone'sbonesgrow，nomanintendingit。
Ihavetriedtoshowhow，quiteearlyinmylife，thefactofdisorderliness，theconceptionofsociallifeasbeingamultitudinousconfusionoutofhand，cametome。Onealwaysofcoursesimplifiesthesethingsinthetelling，butIdonotthinkI
eversawtheworldatlargeinanyotherterms。Ineveratanystageentertamedtheideawhichsustainedmymother，andwhichsustainssomanypeopleintheworld，——theideathattheuniverse，whateversuperficialdiscordsitmaypresent，isasamatteroffact"allright，"isbeingsteeredtodefiniteendsbyasereneandunquestionableGod。MymotherthoughtthatOrderprevailed，andthatdisorderwasjustincidentalandforedoomedrebellion；Ifeelandhavealwaysfeltthatorderrebelsagainstandstrugglesagainstdisorder，thatorderhasanup-hilljob，ingardens，experiments，suburbs，everythingalike；fromtheverybeginningsofmyexperienceIdiscoveredhostilitytoorder，aconstantescapingfromcontrol。
Thecurrentoflivingandcontemporaryideasinwhichmymindwaspresentlyswimmingmadeallinthesamedirection；inplaceofmymother'sattentive，meticulousbutoccasionallyextremelyirascibleProvidence，thetalkwasalloftheStruggleforExistencandthesurvivalnotoftheBest——thatwasnonsense，butofthefittesttosurvive。
TheattemptstorehabilitateFaithintheformoftheIndividualist'sLAISSEZFAIREneverwonuponme。IdislikedHerbertSpencerallmylifeuntilIreadhisautobiography，andthenI
laughedalittleandlovedhim。IrememberasearlyastheCityMerchants'dayshowBrittenandIscoffedatthatpompousquestion-
beggingword"Evolution，"having，sotospeak，founditout。
Evolution，someilluminatingtalkerhadremarkedattheBrittenlunchtable，hadlednotonlytoman，buttotheliver-flukeandskunk，obviouslyitmightleadanywhere；ordercameintothingsonlythroughthestrugglingmindofman。Thatlitthingswonderfullyforus。WhenIwentuptoCambridgeIwasperfectlyclearthatlifewasavariousandsplendiddisorderofforcesthatthespiritofmansetsitselftotame。Ihaveneversincefallenawayfromthatpersuasion。
IdonotthinkIwasexceptionallyprecociousinreachingtheseconclusionsandasortofreligiousfinalityformyselfbyeighteenornineteen。Iknowmenandwomenvaryverymuchinthesematters，justaschildrendoinlearningtotalk。Somewillchatterateighteenmonthsandsomewillhardlyspeakuntilthree，andthethinghasverylittletodowiththeirsubsequentmentalquality。
Soitiswithyoungpeople；somewillbegintheirreligious，theirsocial，theirsexualinterestsatfourteen，somenotuntilfaroninthetwenties。BrittenandIbelongedtooneoftheprecocioustypes，andCossingtonveryprobablytoanother。Itwasn'tthattherewasanythingpriggishaboutanyofus；weshouldhavebeenprigstohaveconcealedourspontaneousinterestsandapethetheoreticalboy。
TheworldofmancentredformyimaginationinLondon，itstillcentresthere；therealandpresentworld，thatistosay，asdistinguishedfromthewonder-landsofatomicandmicroscopicscienceandthestarsandfuturetime。Ihadtravelledscarcelyatall，IhadnevercrossedtheChannel，butIhadreadcopiouslyandI
hadformedaverygoodworkingideaofthisroundglobewithitsmountainsandwildernessesandforestsandallthesortsandconditionsofhumanlifethatwerescatteredoveritssurface。Itwasallalive，Ifelt，andchangingeveryday；howitwaschanging，andthechangesmenmightbringabout，fascinatedmymindbeyondmeasure。
IusedtofindacharminoldmapsthatshowedTheWorldasKnowntotheAncients，andIwishIcouldnowwithoutanysuspicionofself-
deceptionwritedowncompactlytheworldasitwasknowntomeatnineteen。Sofarasextensionwentitwas，Ifancy，veryliketheworldIknownowatforty-two；Ihadpracticallyallthemountainsandseas，boundariesandraces，productsandpossibilitiesthatI
havenow。Butitsintensionwasverydifferent。Alltheintervalhasbeenincreasinganddeepeningmysocialknowledge，replacingcrudeandsecond-handimpressionsbyfeltandrealiseddistinctions。
In1895——thatwasmylastyearwithBritten，forIwentuptoCambridgeinSeptember——myvisionoftheworldhadmuchthesamerelationtothevisionIhaveto-daythatanill-drawndaubofamaskhastothedirectvisionofahumanface。BrittenandIlookedatourworldandsaw——whatdidwesee？Formsandcolourssidebysidethatwehadnosuspicionwereinterdependent。Wehadnoconceptionoftherootsofthingsnorofthereactionofthings。Itdidnotseemtous，forexample，thatbusinesshadanythingtodowithgovernment，orthatmoneyandmeansaffectedtheheroicissuesofwar。Therewerenowagonsinourwargame，andwheretherewereguns，thereitwasassumedtheammunitionwasgatheredtogether。
Financeagainwasasealedbooktous；wedidnotsomuchconnectitwiththebroadaspectsofhumanaffairsasregarditasasortofintrusivenuisancetobeearnestlyignoredbyallright-mindedmen。
Wehadnoconceptionofthequalityofpolitics，norhow"interests"
cameintosuchaffairs；webelievedmenwereswayedbypurelyintellectualconvictionsandwereeitherrightorwrong，honestordishonest(inwhicheasetheydeservedtobeshot)，goodorbad。Weknewnothingofmentalinertia，andcouldimaginetheopinionofawholenationchangedbyonelucidandconvincingexposition。Wewerecapableofthemostincongruoustransfersfromthescrollofhistorytoourowntimes，wecouldsupposeBrixtonravagedandHampsteadburntincivilwarsforthesuccessiontothethrone，orCheapsidealaneofdeathandthefrontoftheMansionHousesetaboutwithguillotinesinthecourseofanaccuratelytransposedFrenchRevolution。WerebuiltLondonbyActofParliament，andonceinamoodofhygienicenterprisewetransferreditspopulationEN
MASSEtotheNorthDownsbyanorderoftheLocalGovernmentBoard。
Wethoughtnothingofthrowingreligiousorganisationsoutofemploymentorsupersedingallthenewspapersbyfreelydistributedbulletins。Wecouldcontemplatethepossibilityoflawsabolishingwholeclasses；wewereequaltosuchadreamasthepeacefulandorderlyproclamationofCommunismfromthestepsofSt。Paul'sCathedral，afterthepassingofasimplywordedbill，——acloseandnotunnaturallyanexcitingdivisioncarryingthethirdreading。I
rememberquitedistinctlyevolvingthatvision。Wewerethenfullyfifteenandwewereperfectlyseriousaboutit。Wewerenotfools；
itwassimplythatasyetwehadgatherednoexperienceatallofthelimitsandpowersoflegislationandconsciouscollectiveintention……
Ithinkthisstatementdoesmyboyhoodjustice，andyetIhavemydoubts。Itissohardnowtosaywhatoneunderstoodandwhatonedidnotunderstand。Itisn'tonlythateverydaychangedone'sgeneraloutlook，butalsothataboyfluctuatesbetweenphasesofquiteadultunderstandingandphasesoftawdrilymagnificentpuerility。SometimesImyselfwasinthosetumbrilsthatwentalongCheapsidetotheMansionHouse，aSydneyCartonesquefigure，awhitedefeatedMirabean；sometimesitwasIwhosatjudgingandcondemningandruling(sleepinginmyclothesandfeedingverysimply)thesoulandautocratoftheProvisionalGovernment，whichoccupied，ofallinconvenientplaces！theGeneralPostOfficeatSt。Martin's-le-
Grand！……
IcannottracethedevelopmentofmyideasatCambridge，butI
believethemerephysicalfactofgoingtwohours'journeyawayfromLondongavethatplaceforthefirsttimeaneffectofunityinmyimagination。IgotoutsideLondon。Itbecametangibleinsteadofbeingaframealmostasuniversalasseaandsky。
AtCambridgemyideasceasedtoliveinaduologue；inexchangeforBritten，withwhom，however，Icorrespondedlengthily，stylishlyandself-consciouslyforsomeyears，Ihadnowasetofcongenialfriends。Igottalkwithsomeoftheyoungerdons，IlearnttospeakintheUnion，andinmylittlesetwewereallprettybusilysharpeningeachother'switsandcorrectingeachother'sinterpretations。Cambridgemadepoliticspersonalandactual。AtCityMerchants'wehadhadnosenseofeffectivecontact；weboasted，itistrue，anundersecretaryandacolonialgovernoramongouroldboys，buttheywereneverrealtous；suchdistinguishedsonsasreturnedtovisittheoldschoolwereallusiveandpleasantinthebestPinkyDinkystyle，andpretendedtobeinearnestaboutnothingbutourfootballandcricket，tomourntheabolitionof"water，"andfindashudderingpersonalinterestintheancientswishingblock。AtCambridgeIfeltforthefirsttimethatItouchedthethingthatwasgoingon。ReallivingstatesmencamedowntodebateintheUnion，theolderdonshadbeentheircollegeintimates，theirsonsandnephewsexpoundedthemtousandmadethemrealtous。Theyinvitedustoentertainideas；Ifoundmyselfforthefirsttimeinmylifeexpectedtoreadandthinkanddiscuss，mysecretvicehadbecomeavirtue。
Thatcombination-roomworldisatlastlargerandmorepopulousandvariousthantheworldofschoolmasters。TheShoesmithsandNaylorswhohadbeenthearistocracyofCityMerchants'fellintotheirplaceinmymind；theybecameanundistinguishedmassonthemoreathleticsideofPinkyDinkyism，andtheirhostilitytoideasandtotheexpressionofideasceasedtolimitandtroubleme。Thebrightermenofeachgenerationstayup；theseothersgodowntopropagatetheirtradition，asthefathersoffamilies，asmediocreprofessionalmen，asassistantmastersinschools。Cambridgewhichperfectsthemisbythenatureofthingsleastoppressedbythem，——
exceptwhenitcomestoavoteinConvocation。
WewerestillinthosedaysundertheshadowofthegreatVictorians。IneversawGladstone(asIneverseteyesontheoldQueen)，buthehadresignedofficeonlyayearbeforeIwentuptoTrinity，andtheCombinationRoomswerefullofpersonalgossipabouthimandDisraeliandtheotherbigfiguresofthegladiatorialstageofParlimentaryhistory，talkthatleakedcopiouslyintosuchsetsasmine。TheceilingofourguestchamberatTrinitywasgloriouswiththearmsofSirWilliamHarcourt，whoseDeathDutieshadseemedatfirstlikeasocialistdawn。Mr。EveshamweaskedtocometotheUnioneveryyear，Masters，ChamberlainandtheoldDukeofDevonshire；theydidnotcomeindeed，buttheirpoliterefusalsbroughtusall，asitwere，withinpersonaltouchofthem。Oneheardofcabinetcouncilsandmeetingsatcountryhouses。Someofus，pursuingsuchinterests，wentsofarastoreadpoliticalmemoirsandthenovelsofDisraeliandMrs。HumphryWard。Fromgossip，exampleandtheillustratednewspapersonelearntsomethingofthewayinwhichpartiesweresplit，coalitionsformed，howpermanentofficialsworkedandcontrolledtheirministers，howmeasureswerebroughtforwardandprojectsmodified。
AndwhileIwasgettingthegreatleadingfiguresonthepoliticalstage，whohadbeenpresentedtomeinmyschooldaysnotsomuchasmenasthepantomimicmonstersofpoliticalcaricature，whileIwasgettingthemreducedinmyimaginationtothestatureofhumanity，andtheirmotivestothequalityofimpulseslikemyown，IwasalsoacquiringinmyTriposworkaconstantlydevelopingandenrichingconceptionoftheworldofmenasacomplexofeconomic，intellectualandmoralprocesses……
5
SocialismisanintellectualProteus，buttothemenofmygenerationitcameastherevoltoftheworkers。RodbertusweneverheardofandtheFabianSocietywedidnotunderstand；MarxandMorris，theChicagoAnarchists，JUSTICEandSocialDemocraticFederation(asitwasthen)presentedsocialismtoourminds。
HatherleighwastheleadingexponentofthenewdoctrinesinTrinity，andthefigureuponhiswallofahuge-muscled，black-
hairedtoilerswaggeringsledgehammerinhandacrossarevolutionarybarricade，seemedthequintessenceofwhathehadtoexpound。
Landlordandcapitalisthadrobbedandenslavedtheworkers，andweredrivingthemquiteautomaticallytoinevitableinsurrection。
Theywouldariseandthecapitalistsystemwouldfleeandvanishlikethemistsbeforethemorning，likethedewsbeforethesunrise，givingplaceinthemostsimpleandobviousmannertoaneraofRightandJusticeandVirtueandWellBeing，andinshortaPerfectlySplendidTime。
IhadalreadydiscussedthissortofsocialismundertheguidanceofBritten，beforeIwentuptoCambridge。Itwasallmixedupwithideasaboutfreedomandnaturalvirtueandagreatscornforkings，titles，wealthandofficials，anditwassymbolisedbytheredtieswewore。Oursimpleverdictonexistingarrangementswasthattheywere"allwrong。"Therichwererobbersandknewit，kingsandprinceswereusurpersandknewit，religiousteacherswereimpostorsinleaguewithpower，theeconomicsystemwasanelaborateplotonthepartofthefewtoexpropriatethemany。Wewentaboutfeelingscornfulofallthecurrentformsoflife，formsthatesteemedthemselvessolid，thatwere，weknew，nomorethanshapespaintedonacurtainthatwaspresentlytobetornaside……
ItwasHatherleigh'sposterandhiscapacityforoverstatingthings，Ithink，thatfirstqualifiedmysimplerevolutionaryenthusiasm。
PerhapsalsoIhadmetwithFabianpublications，butifIdidI
forgetthecircumstances。Andnodoubtmyinnateconstructivenesswithitspracticalcorollaryofananalyticaltreatmentofthematerialsupplied，wasboundtopushmeonbeyondthismelodramaticinterpretationofhumanaffairs。
IcomparedthatWorkingManoftheposterwithanysortofworkingmanIknew。Iperceivedthatthelatterwasnotgoingtochange，andindeedcouldnotunderanystimuluswhateverbeexpectedtochange，intotheformer。Itcreptintomymindasslowlyandsurelyasthedawncreepsintoaroomthattheformerwasnot，asIhadatfirstrathergliblyassumed，an"ideal，"butacompletemisrepresentationofthequalityandpossibilitiesofthings。
Idonotknownowwhetheritwasduringmyschool-daysoratCambridgethatIfirstbegannotmerelytoseetheworldasagreatcontrastofrichandpoor，buttofeelthemassiveeffectofthatmultitudinousmajorityofpeoplewhotoilcontinually，whoareforeveranxiousaboutwaysandmeans，whoarerestricted，illclothed，illfedandillhoused，whohavelimitedoutlooksandcontinuallysuffermisadventures，hardshipsanddistressesthroughthewantofmoney。Mylothadfallenuponthefringeofthepossessingminority；ifIdidnotknowthewantofnecessitiesIknewshabbiness，andtheworldthatletmegoontoauniversityeducationintimatedveryplainlythattherewasnotathingbeyondtheprimaryneedsthatmystimulatedimaginationmightdemandthatitwouldnotbeaneffortformetosecure。Acertainaggressiveradicalismagainsttherulingandpropertiedclassesfollowedalmostnaturallyfrommycircumstances。Itdidnotatfirstconnectitselfatallwiththeperceptionofaplanlessdisorderinhumanaffairsthathadbeenforceduponmebytheatmosphereofmyupbringing，nordiditlinkmeinsympathywithanyoftheprofounderrealitiesofpoverty。Itwasapersonalindependentthing。ThedingierpeopleonesawinthebackstreetsandlowerquartersofBromsteadandPenge，thedriftofdirtychildren，raggedoldwomen，streetloafers，grimyworkersthatmadethesocialbackgroundofLondon，thestoriesoneheardofprivationandsweating，onlyjoinedupveryslowlywiththegeneralpropositionsIwasmakingaboutlife。WecouldbecomesplendidlyeloquentaboutthesocialrevolutionandthetriumphoftheProletariataftertheClasswar，anditwasonlybyasortofinspirationthatitcametomethatmybedder，agarrulousoldthingwithadustyblackbonnetoveroneeyeandanostentatiouslycleanapronoutsidethedarkmysteriesthatclothedher，orthecheekylittleruffianswhoyelledpapersaboutthestreets，werereallymaterialtosuchquestions。
DirectlyanyofusyoungsocialistsofTrinityfoundourselvesinimmediatecontactwithservantsorcadgersorgypsorbeddersorplumbersornavviesorcabmenorrailwayporterswebecameunconsciouslyandunthinkinglyaristocrats。Ourvoicesaltered，ourgesturesaltered。Webehavedjustasalltheothermen，richorpoor，swattersorsportsmenorPinkyDinkys，behaved，andexactlyaswewereexpectedtobehave。OnthewholeitisapopulationofpoorqualityroundaboutCambridge，ratherstuntedandspiritlessandverydifficulttoidealise。ThattheoreticalWorkingManofours！——
ifwefelttheclashatallweexplainedit，Isuppose，byassumingthathecamefromanotherpartofthecountry；Esmeer，Iremember，wholivedsomewhereintheFens，wasveryeloquentabouttheCornishfishermen，andHatherleigh，whowasaHampshireman，assuredusweoughttoknowtheScottishminer。MyprivatefancywasfortheLancashireoperativebecauseofhisco-operativesocieties，andbecausewhatLancashirethinksto-dayEnglandthinksto-morrow……
AndalsoIhadneverbeeninLancashire。
Bylittleincrementsofrealisationitwasthattheprofounderveritiesoftheproblemofsocialismcametome。IthelpedmeverymuchthatIhadtogodowntothePotteriesseveraltimestodiscussmyfuturewithmyuncleandguardian；IwalkedaboutandsawBursleyWakesandmuchofthehumanaspectsoforganisedindustrialismatclosequartersforthefirsttime。ThepictureofasplendidWorkingMancheatedoutofhisinnategloriouspossibilities，andpresentlytoariseanddashthisscoundrellyandscandaloussystemofprivateownershiptofragments，begantogiveplacetoalimitlessspectacleofinefficiency，toaconceptionofmillionsofpeoplenotorganisedastheyshouldbe，noteducatedastheyshouldbe，notsimplypreventedfrombutincapableofnearlyeverysortofbeauty，mostlykindlyandwellmeaning，mostlyincompetent，mostlyobstinate，andeasilyhumbuggedandeasilydiverted。EventhetragicandinspiringideaofMarx，thatthepoorwerenearingalimitofpainfulexperience，andawakeningtoasenseofintolerablewrongs，begantodevelopintothemoreappallingconceptionthatthepoorweresimplyinawitlessuncomfortableinconclusiveway——
"muddlingalong"；thattheywantednothingverydefinitelynorveryurgently，thatmeanfearsenslavedthemandmeansatisfactionsdecoyedthem，thattheytooktheverygiftoflifeitselfwithaspiritlesslassitude，hoardingit，beingratheranxiousnottoloseitthantouseitinanywaywhatever。
Thecompletedevelopmentofthatrealisationwastheworkofmanyyears。IhadonlythefirstintimationsatCambridge。ButIdidhaveintimations。MostacutelydoIrememberthedoubtsthatfollowedthevisitofChrisRobinson。ChrisRobinsonwasheraldedbysuchheroicanticipations，andhewassoentirelywhatwehadnotanticipated。
Hatherleighgothimtocome，arrangedasortofmeetingforhimatRedmayne'sroomsinKing's，andwasveryproudandproprietorial。
ItfailedtostirCambridgeatallprofoundly。BeyondafutileattempttoscrewupHatherleighmadebysomeinexpertdufferswhousednailsinsteadofscrewsandgimlets，therewasnoattempttorag。NextdayChrisRobinsonwentandspokeatBennettHallinNewnhamCollege，andleftCambridgeintheeveningamidstthecheersoftwentymenorso。Socialismwasatsuchalowebbpoliticallyinthosedaysthatitdidn'tevenrousementoopposition。
AndtheresatChrisunderthatflamboyantandheroicWorkeroftheposter，alittlewrinkledgrey-beardedapologeticmaninready-madeclothes，withwatchfulinnocentbrowneyesandapersistentandinvincibleairofbeingoutofhiselement。Hesatwithhisstoutbootstuckedupunderhischair，andclungtoateacupandsaucerandlookedawayfromusintothefire，andweallsataboutontablesandchair-armsandwindowsillsandboxesandanywhereexceptuponchairsafterthemannerofyoungmen。Theonlyotherchairwhoseseatwasoccupiedwastheonecontaininghisknittedwoollencomforterandhispicturesqueoldbeach-photographer'shat。Wewereallshyanddidn'tknowhowtotakeholdofhimnowwehadgothim，and，whichwasdisconcertinglyunanticipated，hewasmanifestlyhavingthesamedifficultywithus。Wehadexpectedtobegripped。
"I'llnotbeknowingwhattosaytotheseChaps，"herepeatedwithanorth-countryqualityinhisspeech。
Wemadereassuringnoises。
TheAmbassadoroftheWorkersstirredhisteaearnestlythroughanuncomfortablepause。
"I'dbesttell'emsomethingofhowthingsareinLancashire，whatwiththenewmachinesandallthat，"hespeculatedatlastwithredreflectionsinhisthoughtfuleyes。
Wehadaninexcusabledreadthatperhapshewouldmakeamessofthemeeting。
Butwhenhewasnolongerintheunaccustomedmeshesofrefinedconversation，butspeakingwithanaudiencebeforehim，hebecameadifferentman。Hedeclaredhewouldexplaintousjustexactlywhatsocialismwas，andwentonatoncetoanimpassionedcontrastofsocialconditions。"Youyoungmen，"hesaid"comefromhomesofluxury；everyneedyoufeelissupplied——"
Wesatandstoodandsprawledabouthim，occupyingeveryinchofRedmayne'sfloorspaceexceptthehearthrug-platform，andwelistenedtohimandthoughthimover。Hewasthevoiceofwrongsthatmadeusindignantandeager。Weforgotforatimethathehadbeenshyandseemednotalittleincompetent，hisprovincialaccentbecameabeautyofhisearnestspeech，wewerecarriedawaybyhisindignations。Welookedwithshiningeyesatoneanotherandatthevariousdonswhohaddroppedinandwerestrivingtomaintainafrontofjudiciousseverity。Wefeltmoreandmorethatsocialinjusticemustcease，andceaseforthwith。Wefeltwecouldnotsleepuponit。Attheendweclappedandmurmuredourapplauseandwantedbadlytocheer。
Thenlikealancetstuckintoabladdercametheheckling。Denson，thatindolent，liberal-mindedsceptic，didmostofthequestioning。
Helaycontortedinachair，withhisuglyheadverylow，hislegscrossedandhisleftbootveryhigh，andhepointedhisremarkswithalongthinhandandoccasionallyadjustedtheunstableglassesthathidhiswateryeyes。"Idon'twanttocarp，"hebegan。"Thepresentsystem，Iadmit，standscondemned。EverypresentsystemalwaysHASstoodcondemnedinthemindsofintelligentmen。Butwhereitseemstomeyougetthin，isjustwhereeverybodyhasbeenthin，andthat'swhenyoucometotheremedy。"
"Socialism，"saidChrisRobinson，asifitansweredeverything，andHatherleighsaid"Hear！Hear！"veryresolutely。
"IsupposeIOUGHTtotakethatasananswer，"saidDenson，gettinghisshoulder-bladeswelldowntotheseatofhischair；"butI
don't。Idon't，youknow。It'sratherashametocross-examineyouafterthisfineaddressofyours"——ChrisRobinsononthehearthrugmadeacquiescentandinvitingnoises——"buttherealquestionremainshowexactlyareyougoingtoendallthesewrongs？Therearetheadmimstrativequestions。Ifyouabolishtheprivateowner，Iadmityouabolishaverycomplexandclumsywayofgettingbusinessesrun，landcontrolledandthingsingeneraladministered，butyoudon'tgetridoftheneedofadministration，youknow。"
"Democracy，"saidChrisRobinson。
"Organisedsomehow，"saidDenson。"Andit'sjusttheHowperplexesme。Icanquiteeasilyimagineasocialiststateadministeredinasortofscramblingtumultthatwouldbeworsethananythingwehavegotnow。
"Nothingcouldbeworsethanthingsarenow，"saidChrisRobinson。
"Ihaveseenlittlechildren——"
"Isubmitlifeonanill-provisionedraft，forexample，couldeasilybeworse——orlifeinabeleaguredtown。"
Murmurs。
Theywrangledforsometime，andithadtheeffectuponmeofcomingoutfromtheglowofagoodmatineeperformanceintothecolddaylightoflateafternoon。ChrisRobinsondidnotshineinconflictwithDenson；hewasanoratorandnotadialectician，andhemissedDenson'spointsanddisplayedadispositiontoplungeintountimelypathosandindignation。AndDensonhitmecuriouslyhardwithoneofhisshafts。"Suppose，"hesaid，"youfoundyourselfprimeminister——"
IlookedatChrisRobinson，bright-eyedandhishairalittleruffledandhiswholebeingrhetorical，andmeasuredhimagainstthehugemachineofgovernmentmuddledandmysterious。Oh！butIwasperplexed！
AndthenwetookhimbacktoHatherleigh'sroomsanddrankbeerandsmokedabouthimwhilehenursedhiskneewithhairywristedhandsthatprotrudedfromhisflannelshirt，anddranklemonadeunderthecartoonofthatemancipatedWorker，andwehadagreatdiscursivetalkwithhim。
"Eh！youshouldseeourbigmeetingsupnorth？"hesaid。
Densonhadruffledhimandworriedhimagooddeal，andeverandagainhecamebacktothatdiscussion。"It'sallveryeasyforyourlearnedmentositandpickholes，"hesaid，"whilethechildrensufferanddie。Theydon'tpickholesupnorth。Theymeanbusiness。"
Hetalked，andthatwasthemostinterestingpartofitall，ofhisgoingtoworkinafactorywhenhewastwelve——"whenyouChapswereallwithyourmammies"——andhowhehadeducatedhimselfofnightsuntilhewouldfallasleepathisreading。
"It'smademanyofuskeenforallourlives，"heremarked，"allthatclemmingforeducation。Why！IlongedallthroughonewintertoreadabitofDarwin。ImustknowaboutthisDarwinifIdieforit，Isaid。AndIcouldno'getthebook。"
Hatherleighmadeanenthusiasticnoiseanddrankbeerathimwithroundeyesoverthemug。
"Well，anyhowIwastednotimeonGreekandLatin，"saidChrisRobinson。"Andonelearnstogostraightatathingwithoutsplittingstraws。OnegetsholdoftheElementals。"
(Well，didthey？Thatwasthegistofmyperplexity。)
"Onedoesn'tquibble，"hesaid，returningtohisranklingmemoryofDenson，"whilemendecayandstarve。"
"Butsuppose，"Isaid，suddenlydroppingintoopposition，"thealternatveistoriskaworsedisaster——ordosomethingpatentlyfutile。"
"Idon'tfollowthat，"saidChrisRobinson。"Wedon'tproposeanythingfutile，sofarasIcansee。"
6
TheprevailingforceinmyundergraduatedayswasnotSocialismbutKiplingism。Oursetwasquiteexceptionalinitssocialisticprofessions。Andwewereall，youmustunderstand，verydistinctlyImperialistsalso，andprofessedavividsenseofthe"WhiteMan'sBurden。"
Itisalittledifficultnowtogetbacktothefeelingsofthatperiod；Kiplinghassincebeensomercilesslyandexhaustivelymocked，criticisedandtorntoshreds；——neverwasamansoviolentlyexaltedandthen，himselfassisting，sorelentlesslycalleddown。
Butinthemiddleninetiesthisspectacledandmoustachedlittlefigurewithitsheavychinanditsgeneraleffectofvehementgesticulation，itswildshoutsofboyishenthusiasmforeffectiveforce，itslyricdelightinthesoundsandcolours，intheveryodoursofempire，itswonderfuldiscoveryofmachineryandcottonwasteandtheunderofficerandtheengineer，and"shop"asapoeticdialect，becamealmostanationalsymbol。Hegotholdofuswonderfully，hefilleduswithtinklingandhauntingquotations，hestirredBrittenandmyselftofutileimitations，hecolouredtheveryidiomofourconversation。Herosetohisclimaxwithhis"Recessional，"whileIwasstillanundergraduate。
Whatdidhegivemeexactly？
返回顶部