ThatindeedwasmymoststrikingperceptioninthegrowthofBromstead。TheRavensbrookhadbeenimportanttomyimaginativelife；thatwayhadalwaysbeenmyfirstchoiceinallmywalkswithmymother，anditsrapidswampingbythenewurbangrowthmadeitindicativeofalltheotherthingsthathadhappenedjustbeforemytime，orwerestill，atalessdramaticpace，happening。Irealisedthatbuildingwastheenemy。IbegantounderstandwhyineverydirectionoutofBromsteadonewalkedpastscaffold-polesintolitter，whyfragmentsofbrokenbrickandcindermingledineverypath，andthesignificanceoftheuniversalnotice-boards，eitherwhiteandneworayearoldandtornandbattered，promisingsites，profferinghousestobesoldorlet，abusingandintimidatingpassers-byforfanciedtrespass，andprotectingrightsofway。

ItisdifficulttodisentanglenowwhatIunderstoodatthistimeandwhatIhavesincecometounderstand，butitseemstomethateveninthosechildishdaysIwasacutelyawareofaninvadingandgrowingdisorder。Theserenerhythmsoftheoldestablishedagriculture，Iseenow，wereeverywherebeingreplacedbycultivationundernoticeandsnatchcrops；hedgesceasedtoberepaired，andwerereplacedbycheapironrailingsorchunksofcorrugatediron；moreandmorehoardingssprangup，andcontributedmoreandmoretothenomadtribesoffilthypaperscrapsthatflewbeforethewindandoverspreadthecountry。TheoutskirtsofBromsteadwereamazeofexploitationroadsthatlednowhere，thatendedintarredfencesstuddedwithnails(Idon'trememberbarbedwireinthosedays；IthinktheZeitgeistdidnotproducethatuntillater)，andintrespassboardsthatusedvehementlanguage。Brokenglass，tincans，andashesandpaperabounded。Cheapglass，cheaptin，abundantfuel，andafreeuntaxedPresshadrusheduponaworldquiteunpreparedtodisposeoftheseblessingswhenthefulnessofenjoymentwaspast。

Isupposeonemighthavepersuadedoneselfthatallthiswasbutthereplacementofanancienttranquillity，oratleastanancientbalance，byaneworder。Onlytomyeyes，quickenedbymyfather'sintimations，itwasmanifestlynoorderatall。Itwasamultitudeofincoordinatedfreshstarts，eachmoresweepinganddestructivethanthelast，andnoneofthemeverreallyworkedouttoaripeandsatisfactorycompletion。Eachleftalegacyofproducts，houses，humanity，orwhatnot，initswake。Itwasasortofprogressthathadbolted；itwaschangeoutofhand，andgoingatanunprecedentedpacenowhereinparticular。

No，theVictorianepochwasnotthedawnofanewera；itwasahasty，trialexperiment，agiganticexperimentofthemostslovenlyandwastefulkind。Isupposeitwasnecessary；Isupposeallthingsarenecessary。Isupposethatbeforemenwilldisciplinethemselvestolearnandplan，theymustfirstseeinahundredconvincingformsthefollyandmuddlethatcomefromheadlong，aimlessandhaphazardmethods。Thenineteenthcenturywasanageofdemonstrations，someofthemveryimpressivedemonstrations，ofthepowersthathavecometomankind，butofpermanentachievement，whatwillourdescendantscherish？Itishardtoestimatewhatgrainsofpreciousmetalmaynotbefoundinamudtorrentofhumanproductiononsolargeascale，butwillanyone，ahundredyearsfromnow，consenttoliveinthehousestheVictoriansbuilt，travelbytheirroadsorrailways，valuethefurnishingstheymadetoliveamongoresteem，exceptforcuriousorhistoricalreasons，theirprevalentartandtheclippedandlimitedliteraturethatsatisfiedtheirsouls？

Thatagewhichboremewasindeedaworldfullofrestrictedandundisciplinedpeople，overtakenbypower，bypossessionsandgreatnewfreedoms，andunabletomakeanyciviliseduseofthemwhatever；

strickennowbythisideaandnowbythat，temptedfirstbyonepossessionandthenanothertoill-consideredattempts；itwasmyfather'sexploitahonofhisvillagardensonthewholesalelevel。

ThewholeofBromsteadasIrememberit，andasIsawitlast——itisayearagonow——isadulluselessboiling-upofhumanactivities，animmenseclusteringoffutilities。Itisasunfinishedasever；thebuilders'roadsstillrunoutandendinmid-fieldintheiroldfashion；thevariousenterprisesjumbleinthesamehopelesscontradiction，ifanythingintensified。Pretentiousvillasjostleslums，andpublic-houseandtintabernaclegloweratoneanotheracrossthecat-hauntedlotthatintervenes。Roper'smeadowsarenowquitefranklyaslum；backdoorsandsculleriesgapetowardstherailway，theiryardsarehungwithtatteredwashingunashamed；andthereseemtobemoreboardsbytherailwayeverytimeIpass，advertisingpillsandpickles，tonicsandcondiments，andsuchlikesolicitudesofapeoplewithnonaturalhealthnorappetiteleftinthem……

Well，wehavetodobetter。Failureisnotfailurenorwastewastedifitsweepsawayillusionandlightstheroadtoaplan。

6

Chaoticindiscipline，ill-adjustedeffort，spasmodicaims，thesegivethequalityofallmyBromsteadmemories。Thecrowningoneofthemallrisestodesolatingtragedy。IremembernowthewanspringsunshineofthatSundaymorning，thestifffeelingofbestclothesandaggressivecleanlinessandformality，whenIandmymotherreturnedfromchurchtofindmyfatherdead。Hehadbeenpruningthegrapevine。Hehadneverhadaladderlongenoughtoreachthesillofthethird-floorwindows——athouse-paintingtimeshehadborrowedonefromtheplumberwhomixedhispaint——andhehadinhisownhappy-go-luckywaycontrivedacombinationofthegardenfruitladderwithabatteredkitchentablethatservedallsortsofoddpurposesinanouthouse。Hehadstayedupthisarrangementbymeansofthegardenroller，andtherollerhadatthecriticalmoment——

rolled。Hewaslyingclosebythegardendoorwithhisheadqueerlybentbackagainstabrokenandtwistedrainwaterpipe，anexpressionofpacificcontentmentonhisface，abamboocurtainrodwithatableknifetiedtoendofit，stillgrippedinhishand。Wehadbeenrappingforsometimeatthefrontdoorunabletomakehimhear，andthenwecameroundbythedoorinthesidetrellisintothegardenandsodiscoveredhim。

"Arthur！"Iremembermymothercryingwiththestrangestbreakinhervoice，"Whatareyoudoingthere？Arthur！And——SUNDAY！"

Iwascomingbehindher，musingremotely，whenthequalityofhervoicerousedme。Shestoodasifshecouldnotgonearhim。Hehadalwayspuzzledherso，heandhisways，andthisseemedonlyanotherenigma。Thenthetruthdawnedonher，sheshriekedasifafraidofhim，ranadozenstepsbacktowardsthetrellisdoorandstoppedandclaspedherineffectualglovedhands，leavingmestaringblankly，tooastonishedforfeeling，atthecarelesslyflunglimbs。

Thesameideacametomealso。Irantoher。"Mother！"Icried，paletothedepthsofmyspirit，"ISHEDEAD？"

IhadbeenthinkingtwominutesbeforeofthecoldfruitpiethatglorifiedourSundaydinner-table，andhowImightperhapsgetintothetreeattheendofthegardentoreadintheafternoon。Nowanimmensefacthadcomedownlikeacurtainandblottedoutallmychildishworld。Myfatherwaslyingdeadbeforemyeyes……I

perceivedthatmymotherwashelplessandthatthingsmusthedone。

"Mother！"Isaid，"wemustgetDoctorBeaseley，——andcarryhimindoors。"

CHAPTERTHETHIRD

SCHOLASTIC

1

MyformaleducationbeganinasmallpreparatoryschoolinBromstead。Iwentthereasadayboy。Thechargeformyinstructionwasmainlysetoffbytheperiodicvisitsofmyfatherwithalargebagofbatteredfossilstolecturetousupongeology。

Iwasoneofthosefortunateyoungsterswhotakereadilytoschoolwork，Ihadagoodmemory，versatileinterestsandaconsiderableappetiteforcommendation，andwhenIwasbarelytwelveIgotascholarshipattheCityMerchantsSchoolandwasentrustedwithascholar'srailwayseasontickettoVictoria。Aftermyfather'sdeathalargeandveryanimatedandsolidlybuiltuncleintweedsfromStaffordshire，UncleMinter，mymother'ssister'shusband，witharemarkableaccentandremarkablevowelsounds，whohadplungedintotheBromsteadhomeonceortwiceforthenightbutwhowasotherwiseunknowntome，cameonthescene，soldoffthethreegaunthouseswiththeutmostgusto，investedtheproceedsandmyfather'slifeinsurancemoney，andgotusintoasmallvillaatPengewithinsightofthatimmensefacadeofglassandiron，theCrystalPalace。

Thenheretiredinamoodofgood-naturedcontempttohisnativehabitatagain。WestayedatPengeuntilmymother'sdeath。

Schoolbecamealargepartoftheworldtome，absorbingmytimeandinterest，andIneveracquiredthatdetailedandintimateknowledgeofPengeandthehillyvilladomroundabout，thatIhaveofthetownandoutskirtsofBromstead。

Itwasadistrictofverymuchthesamecharacter，butitwasmorecompletelyurbanisedandnearertothecentreofthings；therewerethesameunfinishedroads，thesameoccasionaldisconcertedhedgesandtrees，thesamebutcher'shorsegrazingunderabuilder'snotice-board，thesameincidentallapsesintoslum。TheCrystalPalacegroundscutoffalargepartofmywalkingradiustothewestwithimpassablefencesandforbiddinglyexpensiveturnstiles，butitaddedtotheordinaryspectacleofmeteorologyagreatvarietyofgratuitousfireworkswhichbangedandflaredawayofanightaftersupperanddrewmeabroadtoseethembetter。SuchwalksasItook，toCroydon，Wembledon，WestWickhamandGreenwich，impresseduponmetheinterminableextentofLondon'sresidentialsuburbs；mileaftermileonewent，betweenhouses，villas，rowsofcottages，streetsofshops，underrailwayarches，overrailwaybridges。Ihaveforgottenthedetailedlocalcharacteristics——iftherewereany——ofmuchofthatregionaltogether。Iwasonlytheretwoyears，andhalfmyperambulationsoccurredatduskorafterdark。ButwithPengeI

associatemyfirstrealisationsofthewonderandbeautyoftwilightandnight，theeffectofdarkwallsreflectinglamplight，andthemysteryofbluehaze-veiledhillsidesofhouses，theglareofshopsbynight，theglowingsteamandstreamingsparksofrailwaytrainsandrailwaysignalslitupinthedarkness。MyfirstramblesintheeveningoccurredatPenge——Iwasbecomingabigandindependent-

spiritedboy——andIbeganmyexperienceofsmokingduringthesetwilightprowlswiththethreepennypacketsofAmericancigarettesthenjustappearingintheworld。

MylifecentredupontheCityMerchantsSchool。UsuallyIcaughttheeight-eighteenforVictoria，Ihadamiddaymealandtea；fournightsaweekIstayedforpreparation，andoftenIwasnotbackhomeagainuntilwithinanhourofmybedtime。Ispentmyhalfholidaysatschoolinordertoplaycricketandfootball。This，andaprettyvoraciousappetiteformiscellaneousreadingwhichwasfosteredbythePengeMiddletonLibrary，didnotleavememuchleisureforlocaltopography。OnSundaysalsoIsanginthechoiratSt。Martin'sChurch，andmymotherdidnotlikemetowalkoutaloneontheSabbathafternoon，sheherselfslumbered，sothatI

wroteorreadathome。ImustconfessIwasathomeaslittleasI

couldcontrive。

Home，aftermyfather'sdeath，hadbecomeaveryquietanduneventfulplaceindeed。Mymotherhadeitheranunimaginativetemperamentorhermindwasgreatlyoccupiedwithprivatereligioussolicitudes，andIrememberhertalkingtomebutlittle，andthatusuallyupontopicsIwasanxioustoevade。Ihaddevelopedmyownviewaboutlow-Churchtheologylongbeforemyfather'sdeath，andmymeditationuponthateventhadfinishedmysecretestrangementfrommymother'sfaith。Myreasonwouldnotpermitevenaremotechanceofhisbeinginhell，hewassomanifestlynotevil，andthisreligionwouldnotpermithimaremotechanceofbeingoutyet。

WhenIwasalittleboymymotherhadtaughtmetoreadandwriteandprayandhaddonemanythingsforme，indeedshepersistedinwashingmeandeveninmakingmyclothesuntilIrebelledagainstthesethingsasindignities。Butourmindspartedverysoon。Sheneverbegantounderstandthementalprocessesofmyplay，sheneverinterestedherselfinmyschoollifeandwork，shecouldnotunderstandthingsIsaid；andshecame，Ithink，quiteinsensiblytoregardmewithsomethingofthesamehopelessperplexityshehadfelttowardsmyfather。

Himshemusthaveweddedunderconsiderabledelusions。Idonotthinkhedeceivedher，indeed，nordoIsuspecthimofmercenarinessintheirunion；butnodoubtheplayeduptoherrequirementsinthehalfingenuouswaythatwasandstillisthequalityofmostwooing，andpresentedhimselfasaverybriskandorthodoxyoungman。I

wonderwhynearlyalllovemakinghastobefraudulent。Afterwardshemusthavedisappointedhercruellybylettingoneaspectafteranotherofhiscareless，sceptical，experimentaltemperamentappear。

Hermindwasfixedanddefinite，sheembodiedallthatconfidenceinchurchanddecorumandtheassurancesofthepulpitwhichwascharacteristicofthelargemassoftheEnglishpeople——forafterall，theratherlow-ChurchsectionWASthelargestsinglemass——inearlyVictoriantimes。Shehaddreams，Isuspect，ofgoingtochurchwithhimsidebyside；sheinalittlepokebonnetandalargeflouncedcrinoline，allmauveandmagentaandstarchedunderalittlelace-trimmedparasol，andheinatallsilkhatandpeg-toptrousersandaroll-collarcoat，andlookingratherlikethePrinceConsort，——whiteangelsalmostvisiblyrainingbenedictionsontheiramiableprogress。Perhapsshedreamtgentlyofmuch-belacedbabiesandaninterestinglypious(butnottoodissentingorfanatical)

littlegirlorboyorso，alsoangel-haunted。AndIthink，too，shemusthaveseenherselfrulingaseemly"homeoftaste，"withavivariumintheconservatorythatopenedoutofthedrawing-room，oragain，makingpreservesinthekitchen。Myfather'sscience-

teaching，hisdiagramsofdisembowelledhumanity，hispicturesofprehistoricbeaststhatcontradictedtheFlood，hisdispositiontowardssoftshirtsandloosetweedsuits，hisinabilitytouseaclothesbrush，hisspasmodicreadingfitsandhisbulldogpipes，musthavejarredcruellywithherratherunintelligentanticipations。Hiswildmomentsofviolenttemperwhenhewouldswearandsmashthings，absurdalmostlovablestormsthatpassedlikesummerthunder，musthavebeenstarklydreadfultoher。Shewasconstitutionallyinadaptable，andcertainlymadenoattempttounderstandortoleratetheseoutbreaks。Shetriedthembyherstandards，andbyherstandardstheywerewrong。Herstandardshidhimfromher。Theblazingthingshesaidrankledinhermindunforgettably。

AsIrememberthemtogethertheychafedconstantly。Herattitudetonearlyallhismoodsandallhisenterpriseswasascepticaldisapproval。Shetreatedhimassomethingthatbelongedtomeandnottoher。"YOURfather，"sheusedtocallhim，asthoughIhadgothimforher。

Shehadmarriedlateandshehad，Ithink，becomementallyself-

subsistingbeforehermarriage。EveninthoseHerneHilldaysI

usedtowonderwhatwasgoingoninhermind，andIfindthatoldspeculativecuriosityreturnasIwritethis。Shetookaconsiderableinterestinthehouseworkthatourgenerallyservantlessconditionputuponher——sheusedtohaveacharwomanintwoorthreetimesaweek——butshedidnotdoitwithanygreatskill。Shecoveredmostofourfurniturewithflounceyill-fittingcovers，andshecookedplainlyandwithoutverymuchjudgment。ThePengehouse，asitcontainednearlyallourBromsteadthings，wascrowdedwithfurniture，andischieflyassociatedinmymindwiththesmellofturpentine，acondimentsheusedveryfreelyupontheveneeredmahoganypieces。Mymotherhadanequaldreadof"blacks"

bydayandthe"nightair，"sothatourbrightlycleanwindowswererarelyopen。

Shetookamorningpaper，andshewouldopenitandglanceattheheadlines，butshedidnotreadituntiltheafternoonandthen，I

think，shewasinterestedonlyinthemoreviolentcrimes，andinrailwayandminedisastersandintheminutestdomesticitiesoftheRoyalFamily。Mostofthebooksathomeweremyfather's，andIdonotthinksheopenedanyofthem。Shehadoneortwovolumesthatdatedfromherownyouth，andshetriedinvaintointerestmeinthem；therewasMissStrickland'sQUEENSOFENGLAND，abookI

rememberwithparticularanimosity，andQUEECHYandtheWIDEWIDE

WORLD。Shemadethesebooksofhersintoaclassapartbysewingoutercoversuponthemofcalicoandfiguredmuslin。Tomeinthesehabilimentstheyseemednotsomuchbooksasconfederatedoldladies。

Mymotherwasalsoverypunctualwithherreligiousduties，andrejoicedtowatchmeinthechoir。

OnwintereveningssheoccupiedanarmchairontheothersideofthetableatwhichIsat，headonhandreading，andshewouldbedarningstockingsorsocksorthelike。Weachievedaneffectofratherstuffycomfortablenessthatwassoporific，andinapassivewayI

thinkshefoundtheseamongherhappytimes。Onsuchoccasionsshewaswonttoputherworkdownonherkneesandfallintoasortofthoughtlessmusingthatwouldlastforlongintervalsandrousemycuriosity。ForlikemostyoungpeopleIcouldnotimaginementalstateswithoutdefiniteforms。

Shecarriedonacorrespondencewithanumberofcousinsandfriends，writinglettersinaslantingItalianhandanddealingmainlywithbirths，marriagesanddeaths，businessstarts(inthevaguestterms)andthedistressesofbankruptcy。

Andyet，youknow，shedidhaveacuriousintimatelifeofherownthatIsuspectednothingofatthetime，thatonlynowbecomescredibletome。Shekeptadiarythatisstillinmypossession，adiaryoffragmentaryentriesinamiscellaneouscollectionofpocketbooks。Sheputdownthetextsofthesermonssheheard，andqueerstifflittlecommentsoncasualvisitors，——"MissG。andmuchnoisyshriekingtalkaboutgamesandsuchfrivolitiesandCROQUAY。A。

delightedandVERYATTENTIVE。"Suchlittlehumanentriesabound。

Shehadanoddwayofneverwritinganame，onlyaninitial；myfatherisalways"A。，"andIamalways"D。"ItismanifestshefollowedthedomesticeventsinthelifeofthePrincessofWales，whoisnowQueenMother，withpeculiarinterestandsympathy。"PrayG。allmaybewell，"shewritesinonesuchcrisis。

ButtherearethingsaboutmyselfthatIstillfindtoopoignanttotelleasily，certainpainfulandclumsycircumstancesofmybirthinverygreatdetail，thedistressesofmyinfantileailments。ThenlaterIfindsuchthingsasthis："HeardD。s。"The"s"isevidently"swear"——"G。blessandkeepmyboyfromevil。"Andagain，withthethinhandwritingshakenbydistress："D。wouldnotgotochurch，andhardenedhisheartandsaidwickedinfidelthings，muchdisrespectoftheclergy。Theanthemistiresome！！！Thatmenshouldsetuptobewiserthantheirmaker！！！"Thentreblyunderlined："IFEARHISFATHER'STEACHING。"Dreadfullittletangleofmisapprehensionsandfalsejudgments！Morecomfortingformetoread，"D。verykindandgood。Hegrowsmorethoughtfuleveryday。"

Isuspectmyselfofforgottenhypocrisies。

Atjustonepointmymother'spapersseemtodipdeeper。Ithinkthedeathofmyfathermusthavestirredherforthefirsttimeformanyyearstothinkforherself。Evenshecouldnotgoonlivinginanypeaceatall，believingthathehadindeedbeenflungheadlongintohell。Ofthisgnawingsolicitudesheneverspoketome，never，andforherdiaryalsoshecouldfindnophrases。Butonaloosehalf-sheetofnotepaperbetweenitspagesIfindthispassagethatfollows，writtenverycarefully。Idonotknowwhoselinestheyarenorhowshecameuponthem。Theyrun：——

"Andiftherebenomeetingpastthegrave；

Ifallisdarkness，silence，yet'tisrest。

Benotafraidyewaitingheartsthatweep，ForGodstillgivethHisbelovedsleep，AndifanendlesssleepHewills，sobest。"

ThatscrapofverseamazedmewhenIreadit。Icouldevenwonderifmymotherreallygraspedtheimportofwhatshehadcopiedout。

Itaffectedmeasifastone-deafpersonhadsuddenlyturnedandjoinedinawhisperedconversation。Itsetmethinkinghowfaramindinitsgeneraleffectquitehopelesslylimited，mightrange。

AfterthatIwentthroughallherdiaries，tryingtofindsomethingmorethanaconventionaltermoftendernessformyfather。ButI

foundnothing。Andyetsomehowtheregrewuponmetherealisationthattherehadbeenlove……Herloveforme，ontheotherhand，wasabundantlyexpressed。

Iknewnothingofthatsecretlifeoffeelingatthetime；suchexpressionasitfoundwasallbeyondmyschoolboyrange。IdidnotknowwhenIpleasedherandIdidnotknowwhenIdistressedher。

ChieflyIwasawareofmymotherasratherdullcompany，asamindthornywithirrationalconclusionsandincapableofexplication，asonebelievingquitewilfullyandirritatinglyinimpossiblethings。

SoIsupposeithadtobe；lifewascomingtomeinnewformsandwithnewrequirements。Itwasessentialtooursituationthatweshouldfailtounderstand。AfterthisspaceofyearsIhavecometorealisationsandattitudesthatdissolvemyestrangementfromher，I

canpiercethesebarriers，Icanseeherandfeelherasalovingandfeelinganddesiringandmuddle-headedperson。TherearetimeswhenIwouldhaveheraliveagain，ifonlythatImightbekindtoherforalittlewhileandgivehersomereturnforthenarrowintenseaffection，thetenderdesires，sheevidentlylavishedsoabundantlyonme。ButthenagainIaskhowIcouldmakethatreturn？AndIrealisethefutilityofsuchdreaming。Herdemandwasrigid，andtomeetitIshouldneedtoactandlie。

Soshewhosebloodfedme，whosebodymademe，liesinmymemoryasIsawherlast，fixed，still，infinitelyintimate，infinitelyremote……

Myowncasewithmymother，however，doesnotawakenthesameregretIfeelwhenIthinkofhowshemisjudgedandirkedmyfather，andturnedhisweaknessesintothornsforherowntormenting。IwishI

couldlookbackwithoutthatlittletwingetotwopeoplewhowerebothintheirdifferentqualitysogood。Butgoodnessthatisnarrowisapedestrianandineffectualgoodness。Herattitudetomyfatherseemstomeoneoftheessentiallytragicthingsthathavecometomepersonally，oneofthosethingsthatnothingcantransfigure，thatREMAINsorrowful，thatIcannotsoothewithanyexplanation，forasIrememberhimhewasindeedthemostlovableofweakspasmodicmen。Butmymotherhadbeentrainedinahardandnarrowsystemthatmadeeviloutofmanythingsnotintheleastevil，andinculcatedneitherkindlinessnorcharity。Alltheirestrangementfollowedfromthat。

Thesecrampingcultsdoindeedtakeanenormoustollofhumanloveandhappiness，andnotonlythatbutwhatweMachiavelliansmustneedsconsider，theymakefrightfulbreachesinhumansolidarity。I

supposeIamadeeplyreligiousman，asmenofmyqualitygo，butI

hatemoreandmore，asIgrowolder，theshadowofintolerancecastbyreligiousorganisations。Allmylifehasbeendarkenedbyirrationalintolerance，byarbitraryirrationalprohibitionsandexclusions。Mahometanismwithitsfierceproselytism，has，I

suppose，theblackestrecordofuncharitableness，butmostoftheChristiansectsaretainted，taintedtoadegreebeyondanyoftheanteriorpaganisms，withthissamehatefulquality。Itistheirexclusiveclaimthatsendsthemwrong，thevainambitionthatinspiresthemalltoteachauniformone-sidedGodandbetheoneandonlygatewaytosalvation。Deprecationofalloutsidethehouseholdoffaith，anorganisedundervaluationofhereticalgoodnessandlovableness，follows，necessarily。Everypettydifferenceisexaggeratedtothequalityofasavinggraceoradamningdefect。Elaborateprecautionsaretakentoshieldthebeliever'smindagainstbroadoramiablesuggestions；thefaithfularedeterredbydarkallusions，bysinisterwarnings，frombooks，fromtheatres，fromworldlyconversation，fromallthekindlyinstrumentsthatminglehumansympathy。Foronlybyisolatingitsflockcantheorganisationsurvive。

Everymonththerecametomymotheralittlemagazinecalled，ifI

rememberrightly，theHOMECHURCHMAN，withthecombinedauthorityofprintandclericalcommendation。Itwasthemostevilthingthatevercameintothehouse，averydevil，athinlittlepamphletwithonewoodcutillustrationonthefrontpageofeachnumber；nowtheuninvitingvisageofsomeexponentoftherealandonlydoctrineandattitudes，nowsomecoralstrandinactofwelcomingthemissionariesofGod'smysteriouspreferences，nowanewchurchintheVictorianGothic。Thevileragitwas！Ascoreofvicesthatshunthepolicemanhavenothingofitssubtlewickedness。Itwasanoutrageuponthenaturalkindlinessofmen。Thecontentswerealladmirablyadjustedtokeepaspiritinprison。Theirforceofsustainedsuggestionwastremendous。TherewouldbedreadfulintimationsoftheswiftretributionthatfelluponindividualsforSabbath-breaking，anduponnationsforweakeningtowardsRitualism，ortreatingRomanCatholicsastolerablehumanbeings；therewouldbegreatrejoicingsovertheconversionofallegedJews，andterribledescriptionsofthedeath-bedsofprominentinfidelswithboldlyinventedlastwords，——themostunscrupulouslying；therewouldbetheappallinglyedifyingcareersof"earlypiety"

lusciouslydescribed，orstoriesofcondemnedcriminalswhotracedtheirfinalruinunerringlytoearlylaxitiesofthekindthatleadspeopletogiveupsubscribingtotheHOMECHURCHMAN。

Everymonththatevilspiritbroughtaboutaslumpinourmutuallove。Mymotherusedtoreadthethingandbecomedepressedandanxiousformyspiritualwelfare，usedtobestirredtounintelligentpestering……

2

AfewyearsagoImettheeditorofthissameHOMECHURCHMAN。ItwasatoneoftheweeklydinnersofthatFleetStreetdiningclub，theBlackfriars。

Iheardthepaper'snamewithaqueerlittleshockandsurveyedthemanwithinterest。Nodoubthewasonlyasuccessorofthepurveyorofdiscordswhodarkenedmyboyhood。Itwasamazingtofindaninfluencesoterribleembodiedinacreaturesopalpablypetty。HewasseatedsomewaydownatableatrightanglestotheoneatwhichIsat，amanofmeanappearancewithagreyishcomplexion，thin，withasquarenose，aheavywirymoustacheandabigAdam'sapplestickingoutbetweenthewingsofhiscollar。Heatewithconsiderableappetiteandunconcealedrelish，andashisjawwasunderhung，hechummedandmadethemoustachewavelikereedsintheswellofasteamer。Itgavehimaconscientiouslook。Afterdinnerhealittleforcedhimselfuponme。Atthattime，thoughtheshadowofmyscandalwasalreadyuponme，Istillseemedtobeshapingforgreatsuccesses，andhewasgladtobeinconversationwithmeandanxioustointimatepoliticalsympathyandsupport。ItriedtomakehimtalkoftheHOMECHURCHMANandthekindredpublicationsheran，buthewasmanifestlyashamedofhisjobsofarasIwasconcerned。

"Onewants，"hesaid，pitchinghimselfashesupposedinmykey，"toputconstructiveideasintoourreaders，buttheyarenarrow，youknow，verynarrow。Very。"Hemadehismoustacheandlipsexpressjudiciousregret。"Onehastoconsiderthemcarefully，onehastorespecttheirattitudes。Onedarenotgotoofarwiththem。Onehastofeelone'sway。"

Hechummedandthemoustachebristled。

Ahireling，beyondquestion，cateringforademand。IgatheredtherewasahomeinTufnellPark，andthreeboystobefedandclothedandeducated……

Ihadthecuriositytobuyacopyofhismagazineafterwards，anditseemedmuchthesamesortofthingthathadworriedmymotherinmyboyhood。TherewastheusualChristianhero，thistimewithmutton-

chopwhiskersandalongbareupperlip。TheJesuits，itseemed，werestillhardatit，andHeavenfrightfullyupsetabouttheSundayopeningofmuseumsandthefallingbirth-rate，andastouchyandvindictiveasever。ThereweretwovigorousparagraphsupontheutterdamnablenessoftheRev。R。J。Campbell，acontagiousdamnablenessIgathered，onewasn'tsafewithinamileofHolbornViaduct，andafoul-mouthedattackonpoorlittleWilkinsthenovelist——whowasbeingbaitedbythemoralistsatthattimeformakingoneofhisbigwomencharacters，notbeinginholywedlock，desireababyandsayso……

Thebroadeningofhumanthoughtisaslowandcomplexprocess。Wedogoon，wedogeton。Butwhenonethinksthatpeoplearelivinganddyingnow，quarrellingandsulking，misledandmisunderstanding，vaguelyfearful，condemningandthwartingoneanotherintheclosedarknessesofthesenarrowcults——Oh，God！onewantsagaleoutofHeaven，onewantsagreatwindfromthesea！

3

WhileIlivedatPengetwolittlethingshappenedtome，trivialinthemselvesandyetintheirqualityprofoundlysignificant。Theyhadthisincommon，thattheypiercedthetextureofthelifeIwasquietlytakingforgrantedandletmeseethroughitintorealities——

realitiesIhadindeedknownaboutbeforebutneverrealised。Eachoftheseexperiencesleftmewithasenseofshock，withallthevaluesinmylifeperplexinglyaltered，attemptingreadjustment。

OneofthesedisturbingandilluminatingeventswasthatIwasrobbedofanewpocket-knifeandtheotherthatIfellinlove。Itwasaltogethersurprisingtometoberobbed。Yousee，asanonlychildIhadalwaysbeenfairlywelllookedafterandprotected，andtheresultwasanamazingconfidenceinthepracticalgoodnessofthepeopleonemetintheworld。Iknewtherewererobbersintheworld，justasIknewthereweretigers；thatIwaseverlikelytomeetrobberortigerfacetofaceseemedequallyimpossible。

TheknifeasIrememberitwasaparticularlyjollyonewithallsortsofinstrumentsinit，tweezersandathingforgettingastoneoutofthehoofofahorse，andacorkscrew；ithadcostmeacarefulyaccumulatedhalf-crown，andamountedindeedtoanewexperienceinknives。Ihadhaditfortwoorthreedays，andthenoneafternoonIdroppeditthroughaholeinmypocketonafootpathcrossingafieldbetweenPengeandAnerley。Ihearditfallinthewayonedoeswithoutatthetimeappreciatingwhathadhappened，then，later，beforeIgothome，whenmyhandwanderedintomypockettoembracethestilldearnewpossessionIfounditgone，andinstantlythatmemoryofsomethinghittingthegroundsprangupintoconsciousness。Iwentbackandcommencedasearch。AlmostimmediatelyIwasaccostedbytheleaderofalittlegangoffourorfiveextremelydirtyandraggedboysofassortedsizesandslouchingcarriagewhowerecomingfromtheAnerleydirection。

"Lostanythink，Matey？"saidhe。

Iexplained。

"'E'sdropped'isknife，"saidmyinterlocutor，andjoinedinthesearch。

"Whatsortof'andlewasit，Matey？"saidasmallwhite-facedsniffingboyinabigbowlerhat。

Isuppliedtheinformation。Hissharplittlefacescrutinisedthegroundaboutus。

"GOTit，"hesaid，andpounced。

"Giveit'ere，"saidthebigboyhoarsely，andsecuredit。

Iwalkedtowardshimserenelyconfidentthathewouldhanditovertome，andthatallwasforthebestinthebestofallpossibleworlds。

"Nobloomin'fear！"hesaid，regardingmeobliquely。"Oosaiditwasyourknife？"

Remarkabledoubtsassailedme。"Ofcourseit'smyknife，"Isaid。

Theotherboysgatheredroundme。

"Thisain'tyourknife，"saidthebigboy，andspatcasually。

"Idroppeditjustnow。"

"Findin'skeepin's，Ibelieve，"saidthebigboy。

"Nonsense，"Isaid。"Givememyknife。"

"'Owmanybladesitgot？"

"Three。"

"Andwhatsortof'andle？"

"Bone。"

"Gotacorkscrewlike？"

"Yes。"

"Ah！Thisain'tyourknifeno'ow。See？"

Hemadenooffertoshowittome。Mybreathwent。

"Lookhere！"Isaid。"Isawthatkidpickitup。ItISmyknife。"

"Rot！"saidthebigboy，andslowly，deliberatelyputmyknifeintohistrouserpocket。

Ibracedmysoulforbattle。Allcivilisationwasbehindme，butI

doubtifitkeptthecolourinmyface。Ibuttonedmyjacketandclenchedmyfistsandadvancedonmyantagonist——hehad，Isuppose，theadvantageoftwoyearsofageandthreeinchesofheight。"Handoverthatknife，"Isaid。

Thenoneofthesmallestofthebandassailedmewithextraordinaryvigourandswiftnessfrombehind，hadanarmroundmyneckandakneeinmybackbeforeIhadtheslightestintimationofattack，andsogotmedown。"Igot'im，Bill，"squeakedthisamazinglittleruffian。Mynosewasflattenedbyadirtyhand，andasIstruckoutandhitsomethinglikesacking，someonekickedmyelbow。Twoorthreeseemedtobeatmeatthesametime。ThenIrolledoverandsatuptodiscoverthemallmakingoff，araggedflight，footballingmycap，myCityMerchants'cap，amongstthem。Ileapttomyfeetinapassionofindignationandpursuedthem。

ButIdidnotovertakethem。Wearebeingsofmixedcomposition，andIdoubtifminewasasingle-mindedpursuit。Iknewthathonourrequiredmetopursue，andIhadavividimpressionofhavingjustbeendowninthedustwithaverywiryandactiveanddirtylittleantagonistofdisagreeableodourandincredibleandincalculableunscrupulousness，kneelingonmeandgrippingmyarmandneck。I

wantedofcoursetobeevenwithhim，butalsoIdoubtedifcatchinghimwouldnecessarilyinvolvethat。Theykickedmycapintotheditchattheendofthefield，andmadeoffcompactlyalongacinderlanewhileIturnedasidetorecovermydishonouredheaddress。AsI

knockedthedustoutofthatandoutofmyjacket，andbrushedmykneesandreadjustedmyverycrumpledcollar，Itriedtofocusthisstartlingoccurrenceinmymind。

Ihadvagueideasofgoingtoapolicemanorofcomplainingatapolicestation，butsomeboyishinstinctagainstinformingpreventedthat。NodoubtIentertainedideasofvindictivepursuitandmurderousreprisals。AndIwasacutelyenragedwheneverIthoughtofmyknife。Thethingindeedrankledinmymindforweeksandweeks，andalteredalltheflavourofmyworldforme。ItwasthefirsttimeIglimpsedthesimplebruteviolencethatlurksandpeepsbeneathourcivilisation。Acertainkindlycomplacencyofattitudetowardsthepalpablylowerclasseswasqualifiedforever4

Buttheotherexperiencewasstillmorecardinal。Itwasthefirstclearintimationofanewmotifinlife，thesexmotif，thatwastoriseandincreaseandaccumulatepowerandenrichmentandinterweavewithandatlastdominateallmylife。

ItwaswhenIwasnearlyfifteenthishappened。ItisinseparablyconnectedinmymindwiththeduskofwarmSeptemberevenings。I

nevermetthegirlIlovedbydaylight，andIhaveforgottenhername。Itwassomeinsignificantname。

Yetthepeculiarqualityoftheadventurekeepsitshiningdarklylikesomedeepcolouredgeminthecommonsettingofmymemories。

Itcameassomethingnewandstrange，somethingthatdidnotjoinontoanythingelseinmylifeorconnectwithanyofmythoughtsorbeliefsorhabits；itwasawonder，amystery，adiscoveryaboutmyself，adiscoveryaboutthewholeworld。Onlyinafteryearsdidsexualfeelinglosethatisolationandspreaditselfouttoilluminateandpervadeandatlastpossessthewholebroadvisionoflife。

Itwasinthatphaseofanurbanyouth'sdevelopment，thephaseofthecheapcigarette，thatthisthinghappened。OneeveningIcamebychanceonanumberofyoungpeoplepromenadingbythelightofarowofshopstowardsBeckington，and，withallthegloryofaglowingcigarettebetweenmylips，Ijoinedtheirstrollingnumber。

Thesetwilightparadesofyoungpeople，youngsterschieflyofthelowermiddle-class，areoneoftheoddsocialdevelopmentsofthegreatsuburbangrowths——unkindlycritics，blindtotheinnermeaningsofthings，callthem，Ibelieve，Monkeys'Parades——theshopapprentices，theyoungworkgirls，theboyclerksandsoforth，stirredbymysteriousintimations，spendtheirfirst-earnedmoneyuponcollarsandties，chiffonhats，smartlacecollars，walking-

sticks，sunshadesorcigarettes，andcomevaliantlyintothevaguetransfiguringminglingofgaslightandevening，towalkupanddown，toeyemeaningly，eventoaccostandmakefriends。Itisaqueerinstinctiverevoltfromthenarrowlimitedfriendlesshomesinwhichsomanyfindthemselves，agoingouttowardssomething，romanceifyouwill，beauty，thathassuddenlybecomeaneed——aneedthathithertohaslaindormantandunsuspected。Theypromenade。

Vulgar！——itisasvulgarasthespiritthatcallsthemothabroadintheeveningandlightsthebodyoftheglow-worminthenight。I

mademywaythroughthethrong，alittlecontemptuouslyasbecameapublicschoolboy，myhandsinmypockets——noneofyourcheapcanesforme！——andverycarefulofthelieofmycigaretteuponmylips。

Andtwogirlspassedme，onealittletallerthantheother，withdimwarm-tintedfacesundercloudsofdarkhairandwithdarkeyeslikepoolsreflectingstars。

Ihalfturned，andtheshorteroneglancedbackatmeoverhershoulder——Icoulddrawyounowtheposeofhercheekandneckandshoulder——andinstantlyIwasaspassionatelyinlovewiththegirlasIhaveeverbeenbeforeorsince，asanymaneverwaswithanywoman。Iturnedaboutandfollowedthem，Iflungawaymycigaretteostentatiouslyandliftedmyschoolcapandspoketothem。

Thegirlansweredshylywithherdarkeyesonmyface。WhatIsaidandwhatshesaidIcannotremember，butIhavelittledoubtitwassomethingabsolutelyvapid。Itreallydidnotmatter；thethingwaswehadmet。IfeltasIthinkanew-hatchedmothmustfeelwhensuddenlyitsurgentheadlongsearchingbringsitintremulousamazementuponitsmate。

Wemet，coveredfromeachother，withallthenetsofcivilisationkeepingusapart。Wewalkedsidebyside。

Itledtoscarcelymorethanthat。Ithinkwemetfourorfivetimesaltogether，andalwayswithhernearlysilenteldersisterontheothersideofher。Wewalkedonthelasttwooccasionsarminarm，furtivelycaressingeachother'shands，wewentawayfromtheglareoftheshopsintothequietroadsofvilladom，andtherewewhisperedinsteadoftalkingandlookedcloselyintooneanother'swarmandshadedface。"Dear，"Iwhisperedverydaringly，andsheanswered，"Dear！"Wehadavaguesensethatwewantedmoreofthatqualityofintimacyandmore。Wewantedeachotherasonewantsbeautifulmusicagainortobreatheagainthescentofflowers。

Andthatisalltherewasbetweenus。Theeventsarenothing，thethingthatmattersisthewayinwhichthisexperiencestabbedthroughthecommonstuffoflifeandleftitpierced，withalight，withahugenewinterestshiningthroughtherent。

WhenIthinkofitIcanrecallevennowthewarmmysteryofherface，herlipsalittleapart，lipsthatIneverkissed，hersoftshadowedthroat，andIfeelagainthesensuousstirofherproximity……

Thosetwogirlsnevertoldmetheirsurnamenorletmeapproachtheirhouse。TheymademeleavethematthecornerofaroadofsmallhousesnearPengeStation。Andquiteabruptly，withoutanyintimation，theyvanishedandcametothemeetingplacenomore，theyvanishedasamothgoesoutofawindowintothenight，andleftmepossessedofanintolerablewant……

Theaffairpervadedmyexistenceformanyweeks。IcouldnotdomyworkandIcouldnotrestathome。NightafternightIpromenadedupanddownthatMonkeys'Paradefullofanunappeasabledesire，withathwartedsenseofsomethingjustbegunthatoughttohavegoneon。Iwentbackwardsandforwardsonthewaytothevanishingplace，andatlastexploredtheforbiddenroadthathadswallowedthemup。ButIneversawheragain，exceptthatlatershecametome，mysymbolofwomanhood，indreams。Howmybloodwasstirred！I

layawakeofnightswhisperinginthedarknessforher。Iprayedforher。

Indeedthatgirl，whoprobablyforgotthelastvestigesofmewhenherfirstrealkisscametoher，ruledandhauntedme，gaveaQueentomyimaginationandatexturetoallmydesiresuntilIbecameaman。

Igeneralisedheratlast。Isuddenlydiscoveredthatpoetrywasaboutherandthatshewasthekeytoallthathadhithertoseemednonsenseaboutlove。Itooktoreadingnovels，andiftheheroinecouldnotpossiblybelikeher，duskyandwarmandstarlike，Iputthebookaside……

Ihesitateandaddhereoneotherconfession。Iwanttotellthisthingbecauseitseemstomewearealtogethertoorestrainedandsecretiveaboutsuchmatters。Thecardinalthinginlifesneaksintousdarklyandshamefullylikeathiefinthenight。

OnedayduringmyCambridgedays——itmusthavebeeninmyfirstyearbeforeIknewHatherleigh——Isawinaprint-shopwindowneartheStrandanengravingofagirlthatremindedmesharplyofPengeanditsduskyencounter。Itwasjustahalflengthofabare-

shouldered，bare-breastedOrientalwitharmsakimbo，smilingfaintly。Ilookedatit，wentmyway，thenturnedbackandboughtit。IfeltImusthaveit。TheoddthingisthatIwasmorethanalittleshamefacedaboutit。Ididnothaveitframedandhunginmyroomopentothecriticismofmyfriends，butIkeptitinthedrawerofmywriting-table。AndIkeptthatdrawerlockedforayear。ItspeedilymergedwithandbecameidentifiedwiththedarkgirlofPenge。Thatengravingbecameinawaymymistress。OftenwhenIhadsportedmyoakandwassupposedtobereading，Iwassittingwithitbeforeme。

ObeyingsomeinstinctIkeptthethingverysecretindeed。Foratimenobodysuspectedwhatwaslockedinmydrawernorwhatwaslockedinme。Iseemedassexlessasmyworldrequired。

5

Thesethingsstabbedthroughmylife，intimationsofthingsaboveandbelowandbeforeme。Theyhadanairofbeingnomorethanincidents，interruptions。

ThebroadsubstanceofmyexistenceatthistimewastheCityMerchantsSchool。HomewasaplacewhereIsleptandread，andthemooningexplorationsofthesouth-easternpostaldistrictwhichoccupiedtherestlesseveningsandsparedaysofmyvacationsmereinterstices，givingglimpsesofenigmaticallightsanddistantspacesbetweenthewoventhreadsofaschool-boy'scareer。SchoollifebeganformeeverymorningatHerneHill，forthereIwasjoinedbythreeorfourotherboysandtherestofthewaywewenttogether。Mostofthestreetsandroadswetraversedinourmorning'swalkfromVictoriaarestillintact，thestormsofrebuildingthathavesubmergedsomuchofmyboyhood'sLondonhavepassedandleftthem，andIhaverevivedtheimpressionofthemagainandagaininrecentyearsasIhaveclattereddinnerwardinahansomorhummedalonginamotorcabtosomeengagement。Themaingatestilllooksoutwiththesameexpressionofancientwell-

proportionedkindlinessuponSt。Margaret'sClose。ThereareimposingnewsciencelaboratoriesinChambersStreetindeed，buttheoldplayingfieldsareunalteredexceptforthebigelectrictramsthatgodroningandspittingblueflashesalongthewesternboundary。IknowRatten，thenewHead，verywell，butIhavenotbeeninsidetheschooltoseeifithaschangedatallsinceIwentuptoCambridge。

Itookalltheyputbeforeusveryreadilyasaboy，forIhadamindofvigorousappetite，butsinceIhavegrownmentallytoman'sestateanddevelopedamoreandmorecomprehensiveviewofournationalprocessandournationalneeds，Iammoreandmorestruckbytheoddityoftheeducationalmethodspursued，theiraimlessdisconnectednessfromtheconstructiveforcesinthecommunity。I

supposeifwearetoviewthepublicschoolasanythingmorethananinstitutionthathasjustchancedtohappen，wemusttreatitashavingadefinitefunctiontowardsthegeneralschemeofthenation，asbeinginasensedesignedtotakethecrudeyoungmaleofthemoreorlessresponsibleclass，tocorrecthisharshegotisms，broadenhisoutlook，givehimagraspofthecontemporarydevelopmentshewillpresentlybecalledupontoinfluenceandcontrol，andsendhimontotheuniversitytobemadealeadingandrulingsocialman。ItiseasyenoughtocarpatschoolmastersandsetupforanEducationalReformer，Iknow，butstillitisimpossiblenottofeelhowinfinitelymoreeffectually——givencertainimpossibilitiesperhaps——thejobmightbedone。

Mymemoryofschoolhasindeednohintwhateverofthatqualityofelucidationitseemsreasonabletodemandfromit。HereallaboutmewasLondon，avastinexplicablebeing，avortexofgiganticforces，thatfilledandoverwhelmedmewithimpressions，thatstirredmyimaginationtoaperpetualvagueenquiry；andmyschoolnotonlyofferednokeytoit，buthadpracticallynocommenttomakeuponitatall。WewerewithinthreemilesofWestminsterandCharingCross，thegovernmentofficesofafifthofmankindwereallwithinanhour'sstroll，greateconomicchangesweregoingonunderoureyes，nowthehoardingsflamedwithelectionplacards，nowtheSalvationArmyandnowtheunemployedcametrailinginprocessionthroughthewinter-greystreets，nowthenewspaperplacardsoutsidenews-shopstoldofbattlesinstrangeplaces，nowofamazingdiscoveries，nowofsinistercrimes，abjectsqualorandpoverty，imperialsplendourandluxury，BuckinghamPalace，RottenRow，Mayfair，theslumsofPimlico，garbage-litteredstreetsofbawlingcostermongers，theinkysilverofthebarge-ladenThames——suchwasthebackgroundofourdays。WewentacrossSt。Margaret'sCloseandthroughtheschoolgateintoaquietpuerileworldapartfromallthesethings。WejoinedintheearnestacquirementofallthatwasnecessaryforGreekepigramsandLatinverse，andfortherestplayedgames。Wedippeddownintosomethingclearandelegantlyproportionedandtime-wornandforallitshighresolveofstalwartvirilityalittlefeeble，likeourblackenedanddecayedportalsbyInigoJones。

Within，weweretaughtasthechiefsubjectsofinstruction，LatinandGreek。Weweretaughtverybadlybecausethemenwhotaughtusdidnothabituallyuseeitheroftheselanguages，nobodyusesthemanymorenowexceptperhapsfortheLatinofafewLevantinemonasteries。Attheutmostourmenreadthem。WeweretaughttheselanguagesbecauselongagoLatinhadbeenthelanguageofcivilisation；theonewayofescapefromthenarrowandlocalisedlifehadlaininthosedaysthroughLatin，andafterwardsGreekhadcomeinasthevehicleofafloodofnewandamazingideas。Oncethesetwolanguageshadbeenthesolemeansofinitiationtothedetachedcriticismandpartialcomprehensionoftheworld。IcanimaginethefiercezealofourfirstHeads，GardenerandRoper，teachingGreeklikepassionatemissionaries，asaprogressiveChinamanmightteachEnglishtotheboysofPekin，clumsily，impatiently，withrodandharshurgency，butsincerely，patriotically，becausetheyfeltthatbehinditlayrevelations，theirresistiblestimulustoanewphaseofhistory。Thatwaslongago。

Anewgreatworld，avasterImperialismhadarisenabouttheschool，hadassimilatedalltheseamazingandincredibleideas，hadgoneontonewandyetmoreamazingdevelopmentsofitsown。ButtheCityMerchantsSchoolstillmadethesubstanceofitsteachingLatinandGreek，still，withnothoughtofrotatingcrops，sowedinadreamamidsttheharvesting。

Thereisnofiercenessleftintheteachingnow。JustafterIwentuptoTrinity，Gates，ourHead，wroteareviewarticleindefenceofourcurriculum。Inthis，amongotherindiscretions，heassertedthatitwasimpossibletowritegoodEnglishwithoutanilluminatingknowledgeoftheclassictongues，andhesplitaninfinitiveandfailedtobuttonupasentenceinsayingso。HismainargumentconcededeveryobjectionareasonablepersoncouldmaketotheCityMerchants'curriculum。Headmittedthattranslationhadnowplacedallthewisdomofthepastatacommonman'sdisposal，thatscarcelyafieldofendeavourremainedinwhichmodernworkhadnotlongsincepassedbeyondtheancientachievement。Hedisclaimedanyutility。Buttherewas，hesaid，apeculiarmagicinthesegrammaticalexercisesnoothersubjectsofinstructionpossessed。

Nothingelseprovidedthesamestrengtheningandorderlydisciplineforthemind。

Hesaidthat，knowingtheSeniorClassicshedid，himselfaSeniorClassic！

YetinadimconfusedwayIthinkbewasmakingoutacase。Inschoolsasweknewthem，andwiththesortofassistantavailable，thesortofassistantwhohasbeentrainedentirelyontheoldlines，hecouldseenootherteachingsoeffectualindevelopingattention，restraint，sustainedconstructiveeffortandvariousyetsystematicadjustment。Andthatwasasfarashisimaginationcouldgo。

Itisinfinitelyeasiertobeginorganisedhumanaffairsthanendthem；thecurriculumandthesocialorganisationoftheEnglishpublicschoolarethecrowninginstancesofthat。Theygoonbecausetheyhavebegun。Schoolsarenotonlyimmortalinstitutionsbutreproductiveones。Ourfounder，JabezArvon，knewnothing，Iamsure，ofGates'pedagogicvaluesandwould，Ifeelcertain，havedealtwiththemdisrespectfully。Butpublicschoolsanduniversitycollegessprangintoexistencecorrelated，thescholarswentontotheuniversitiesandcamebacktoteachtheschools，toteachastheythemselveshadbeentaught，beforetheyhadevermadeanyrealuseoftheteaching；thecrowdofboysherdedtogether，acrowdperpetuallyrenewedandunbrokenlythesame，adjusteditselfbymeansofspontaneouslydevelopedinstitutions。Inacentury，byitsverysuccess，thisrevolutionaryinnovationofRenascencepublicschoolshadbecomeanimmensetraditionwovencloselyintothefabricofthenationallife。IntelligentandpowerfulpeopleceasedtotalkLatinorreadGreek，theyhadgotwhatwaswanted，butthatonlylefttheschoolmasterthefreertoelaboratehispoint。Sincemostmenofanyimportanceorinfluenceinthecountryhadbeenthroughthemill，itwasnaturallyalittledifficulttopersuadethemthatitwasnotquitethebestandmostennoblingmillthewitofmancoulddevise。And，moreover，theydidnotwanttheirchildrenmadestrangetothem。Therewasallthemachineryandallthemenneededtoteachtheoldsubjects，andnonetoteachwhatevernewthecriticmightpropose。Suchscienceinstructionasmyfathergaveseemedindeedtheuninvitingalternativetotheclassicalgrind。Itwascertainlyanaltogetherinferiorinstrumentatthattime。

SoitwasIoccupiedmymindwiththeexactstudyofdeadlanguagesforsevenlongyears。Itwasthestrangestofdetachments。WewouldsitunderthedeskofsuchamasterasTophamlikecreatureswhohadfallenintoanenchantedpit，andhewoulddohisconsiderablebesttoworkusuptoenthusiasmfor，letussay，aGreekplay。Ifweflaggedhewouldlashhimselftoreviveus。Hewouldwalkabouttheclass-roommouthinggreatlinesinarichroar，andaskinguswithaflushedfaceandshiningeyesifitwasnot"GLORIOUS。"TheverysightofGreeklettersbringsbacktomethedingy，faded，ink-splashedqualityofourclass-room，thebangingofbooks，Topham'sdisorderedhair，thesheenofhisalpacagown，hisdeepunmusicalintonationsandthewidestridingofhiscreakingboots。Glorious！Andbeingplastichumanbeingswewouldconsentthatitwasglorious，andsomeofusevenachievedanansweringreverberationandasympatheticflush。Iattimesrespondedfreely。

Weallacceptedfromhimunquestioninglythatthesemelodies，thesestrangesounds，exceededanypossibilityofbeautythatlayintheGothicintricacy，thesplashandglitter，thejarandrecovery，thestabbinglights，theheightsandbroaddistancesofourEnglishtongue。Thatindeedwasthechiefsinofhim。ItwasnotthathewasforGreekandLatin，butthathewasfiercelyagainsteverybeautythatwasneitherclassicnordeferredtoclassicalcanons。

Andwhatexactlydidwemakeofit，weseniorswhounderstooditbest？Wevisualiseddimlythroughthatdustandthegrammaticaldifficulties，thespectacleofthechoruschantinggrotesquely，helpingoutprotagonistandantagonist，maskedandbuskined，withthetellingofincomprehensibleparricides，ofinexplicableincest，ofgodsfadedbeyondsymbolism，ofthatRelentlessLawwedidnotbelieveinforamoment，thatnomodernwesternEuropeancanbelievein。Wethoughtofthecharactersintheunconvincingwigsandcostumesofourschoolperformance。NoGilbertMurrayhadcomeasyettotouchthesethingstolifeagain。Itwasliketheghostofanantiquarian'stoytheatre，aghostthatcrumbledandcondensedintoagrittydustofconstruingasonelookedatit。

Marks，shindies，prayersandpunishments，allflavouredwiththeleatherystuffinessoftime-wornBigHall……

AndthenoutonewouldcomethroughourgreyoldgateintotheeveninglightandthespectacleofLondonhurryinglikeacataract，Londoninblackandbrownandblueandgleamingsilver，roaringliketheveryloomofTime。Wecameoutintothenewworldnoteacherhasyethadthepowerandcouragetograspandexpound。Lifeanddeathsangallaboutone，joysandfearsonsuchascale，insuchanintricacyasneverGreeknorRomanknew。Theinterminableprocessionofhorseomnibuseswentlumberingpast，bearingcountlesspeopleweknewnotwhence，weknewnotwhither。Hansomsclattered，footpassengersjostledone，athousandappealsofshopandboardingcaughttheeye。Themulti-colouredlightsofwindowandstreetmingledwiththewarmglowofthedecliningdayunderthesoftlyflushingLondonskies；theever-changingplacards，theshoutingnews-vendors，toldofakaleidoscopicdramaallabouttheglobe。

Onedidnotrealisewhathadhappenedtous，butthevoiceofTophamwassuddenlydrownedandlost，heandhisminute，remotegesticulations……

Thatsubmergedandisolatedcurriculumdidnotevenjoinontolivinginterestswhereitmighthavedoneso。Wewereleftabsolutelytothehintsofthenewspapers，tocasualpoliticalspeeches，tothecartoonsofthecomicpapersorachancereadingofsomeSocialistpamphletforanygeneralideaswhateveraboutthehugeswirlingworldprocessinwhichwefoundourselves。Ialwayslookbackwithparticularexasperationtothecessationofourmodernhistoryattheyear1815。Thereitpulledupabruptly，asthoughithadcomeuponsomethingindelicate……

But，afterall，whatwouldTophamorFlackhavemadeofthehugeadjustmentsofthenineteenthcentury？Flackwasthechiefcricketeronthestaff；hebelongedtothatgreatcultwhichpretendsthattheplaceofthisorthatcountyinthestruggleforthechampionshipisamatterofsupremeimportancetoboys。Heobligedustoaffectapassionateinterestintheprogressofcountymatches，toworkupunnaturalenthusiasms。Whatafusstherewouldbewhensomewell-trainedboy，pantingasiffromMarathon，appearedwithaneveningpaper！"Isay，youchaps，Middlesexalloutforahundredandfive！"

UnderFlack'spressureIbecame，Iconfess，acrickethumbugofthefirstclass。Iappliedmyselfindustriouslyyearbyyeartomasteringscoresandaverages；IpretendedthatLordsortheOvalweretheplacesnearestParadiseforme。(Ineverwenttoeither。)

ThroughaslightmistakeaboutthecountyboundaryIadoptedSurreyformyloyalty，thoughasamatteroffactwewerebysomefivehundredyardsorsoinKent。Itdidquiteaswellformypurposes。

Ibowledratherstraightandfast，andspentendlesshoursacquiringtheskilltobowlFlackout。HewasabatintheCorinthianstyle，richandvoluminous，andsuccumbedveryeasilytoalowshooteroranunexpectedYorker，hutusuallyhewascaughtearlybylongleg。

Thedifficultywastobowlhimbeforehegotcaught。Helovedtoliftaballtoleg。Afteronehadcleanbowledhimatthepracticenetsonedeliberatelygavehimaballtolegjusttomakehimfeelniceagain。

Flackwentaboutaworldofmarvelsdreamingofleghits。Hehasbeenobserved，goingacrosstheParkonhiswaytohishighlyrespectableclubinPiccadilly，tobreakfromprofoundmusingsintoastrangebriefdancethatendedwithanimaginaryswipewithhisumbrella，aroofer，overthetreestowardsBuckinghamPalace。Thehitaccomplished，Flackresumedhisway。

Inadequatelyinstructedforeignerswouldpasshiminterror，needlesslyalert。

6

Theseschoolmastersmovethroughmymemoryasalwaysalittledistantandmorethanalittleincomprehensible。Exceptwhentheyworeflannels，Isawthemalmostalwaysinoldcollegecapsandgowns，auniformwhichgreatlyincreasedtheirdetachmentfromtheworldofactualmen。Gates，thehead，wasaleanloose-limbedman，ratherstupidIdiscoveredwhenIreachedtheSixthandcameintocontactwithhim，buthonest，simpleandveryeagertobeliberal-

minded。Hewasbald，withanalmostconicalbaldness，withagrizzledpointedbeard，smallfeaturedand，underthestressesofaZeitgeistthatdemandedliberality，withanexpressionofpuzzledbutresoluteresistancetohisownunalterableopinions。Hemadeatalldignifiedfigureinhisgown。Inmyjuniordayshespoketomeonlythreeorfourtimes，andthenheannoyedmebygivingmeawrongsurname；itwasasorepointbecauseIwasanoutsiderandnotoneoftheoldschoolfamilies，theShoesmiths，theNaylors，theMarklows，theTophams，thePevisesandsuchlike，whocamegenerationaftergeneration。Irecallhimmostvividlyagainstthebackgroundoffadedbrownbook-backsintheoldlibraryinwhichwelessdestructiveseniorsweretrustedtowork，withthelightfromthestained-glasswindowfallingincolouredpatchesonhisface。Itgavehimtheappearanceofhavingnocolourofhisown。Hehadahabitofscratchingthebeardonhischeekashetalked，andheusedtocomeandconsultusaboutthingsandinvariablydoaswesaid。

That，inhisphraseology，was"maintainingthetraditionsoftheschool。"

Hehadindeedaneffectnotofamandirectingaschool，butofamancapturedanddirectedbyaschool。DeadandgoneElizabethanshadbegottenamonsterthatcouldcarryhimaboutinitsmouth。

Yetbeingaman，asIsay，withhishairalittlestirredbyaZeitgeistthatmadeforchange，Gatesdidattimesdisplayadispositiontowardsdevelopments。CityMerchantshadnomodernside，andutilitarianspiritswerecarpinginthePALLMALLGAZETTE

andelsewhereattheomissionsfromourcurriculum，andparticularlyatourwantofGerman。Moreover，fourclassesstillworkedtogetherwithmuchclashinganduproarintheoldBigHallthathadonceheldinacommontumulttheentireschool。Gatesusedtocomeandtalktousolderfellowsaboutthesethings。

"Idon'twishtoinnovateunduly，"heusedtosay。ButweoughttogetinsomeGerman，youknow，——forthosewholikeit。Thearmymenwillbewantingitsomeofthesedays。"

HereferredtotheorganisationofregulareveningpreparationforthelowerboysinBigHallasa"revolutionarychange，"butheachievedit，andhedeclaredhebeganthereplacementofthehackedwoodentables，atwhichtheboyshadworkedsinceTudordays，byslopingdeskswithsafetyinkpotsandscientificallyadjustableseats，"withgravemisgivings。"Andthoughheneverbirchedaboyinhislife，andwas，Iamconvinced，morallyincapableofsuchascuffle，heretainedtheblockandbirchintheschoolthroughallhistermofoffice，andspokeattheHeadmasters'Conferenceintemperateapprovalofcorporalchastisement，comparingit，dearsoul！tothepowerofthesword……

IwishIcould，insomemeasureandwithouttediousness，conveytheeffectofhisdiscoursestoGeneralAssemblyinBigHall。Butthatisliketryingtodrawtheobverseandreverseofasixpenceworntocompleteillegibility。Histallfinefigurestoodhighonthedays，histhoughtfultenorfilledtheairashesteeredhishazardouswaythroughsentencesthatdraggedinconclusivetailsanddroppedredundantprepositions。Andhepleadedeversourgently，eversofinely，thatwhatweallknewforSinwassinful，andonthewholebestavoidedaltogether，andsowentonwithdeepeningnotesandevenwithshortarrestinggesturesoftherightarmandhand，tostirandexhortustowardsgoodness，towardsthatmodern，unsectariangoodness，goodnessingeneralandnothinginparticular，whichtheZeitgeistseemedtoindicateinthosetransitionalyears。

7

Theschoolneverquitegotholdofme。PartlyIthinkthatwasbecauseIwasaday-boyandsofreerthanmostoftheboys，partlybecauseofatemperamentaldispositiontoseethingsinmyownwayandhavemyprivatedreams，partlybecauseIwasalittleantagonisedbythefamilytraditionsthatranthroughtheschool。I

wasmadetofeelatfirstthatIwasarankoutsider，andIneverquiteforgotit。Isufferedverylittlebullying，andIneverhadafight——inallmytimetherewereonlythreefights——butIfollowedmyowncuriosities。IwasalreadyaverykeentheologianandpoliticianbeforeIwasfifteen。Iwasalsointenselyinterestedinmodernwarfare。IreadthemorningpapersintheReadingRoomduringthemiddayrecess，nevermissedtheillustratedweeklies，andoftenwhenIcouldafforditIboughtaPALLMALLGAZETTEonmywayhome。

IdonotthinkthatIwasveryexceptionalinthat；mostintelligentboys，Ibelieve，wantnaturallytobemen，andarekeenlyinterestedinmen'saffairs。Thereisnottheuniversalpassionforamagnifiedpuerilityamongthemitiscustomarytoassume。Iwasindeedavoraciousreaderofeverythingbutboys'books——whichI

detested——andfiction。Ireadhistories，travel，popularscienceandcontroversywithparticularzest，andIlovedmaps。Schoolworkandschoolgameswerequitesubordinateaffairsforme。Iworkedwellandmadeapassablefigureatgames，andIdonotthinkIwasabnormallyinsensitivetothefinequalityofourschool，tothecharmofitsmediaevalnucleus，itsGothiccloisters，itsscrapsofPalladiananditsdignifiedGeorgianextensions；thecontrastoftheoldquiet，thatinspiteofourpresencepervadediteverywhere，withtherushingandimpendingLondonallaboutit，wasindeedacontinualpleasuretome。Butthesethingswerecertainlynotthelivingandcentralinterestsofmylife。

Ihadtoconcealmywideroutlooktoacertainextent——fromthemastersevenmorethanfromtheboys。IndeedIonlyletmyselfgofreelywithoneboy，Britten，myespecialchum，thesonoftheAgent-GeneralforEastAustralia。WetwodiscoveredinachanceconversationAPROPOSofamapinthelibrarythatwewerebothofuscuriouswhytherewereMalaysinMadagascar，andhowtheMeccapilgrimscamefromtheEastIndiesbeforesteamshipswereavailable。

NeitherofushadsuspectedthattherewasanyoneatallintheschoolwhokneworcaredarapabouttheIndianOcean，exceptaswateronthewaytoIndia。ButBrittenhadcomeupthroughtheSuezCanal，andhisshiphadspokenapilgrimshipontheway。Itgavehimastartlingqualityoflivingknowledge。Fromthesepilgrimswegottoacomparativetreatmentofreligions，andfromthat，byasuddenplunge，toentirelyscepticalanddisrespectfulconfessionsconcerningGates'lastoutbreakofsimplepietyinSchoolAssembly。

Webecamecongenialintimatesfromthathour。

ThediscoveryofBrittenhappenedtomewhenwewerebothintheLowerFifth。PreviouslytherehadbeenawatertightcompartmentbetweenthebooksIreadandthethoughtstheybegotontheonehandandhumanintercourseontheother。NowIreallybeganmyhighereducation，andairedandexaminedanddevelopedinconversationthedoubts，theideas，theinterpretationsthathadbeenforminginmymind。Aswewerebothday-boyswithagooddealofcontroloverourtimeweorganisedwalksandexpeditionstogether，andmyhabitofsolitaryandrathervagueprowlinggavewaytomuchmoredefinitejointenterprises。Iwentseveraltimestohishouse，hewastheyoungestofseveralbrothers，oneofwhomwasamedicalstudentandletusassistatthedissectionofacat，andonceortwiceinvacationtimehecametoPenge，andwewentwithparcelsofprovisionstodoathoroughdayinthegroundsandgalleriesoftheCrystalPalace，endingwiththefireworksatclosequarters。WewentinariversteamboatdowntoGreenwich，andfiredbythatmadeanexcursiontoMargateandback；weexploredLondondocksandBethnalGreenMuseum，PetticoatLaneandallsortsofout-of-the-wayplacestogether。

Weconfessedshylytooneanotheracommonsecretvice，"Phantomwarfare。"Whenwewalkedalone，especiallyinthecountry，wehadbothdevelopedthesamepracticeoffightinganimaginarybattleaboutusaswewalked。Aswewentalongweweregenerals，andourattackspushedalongoneitherside，crouchingandgatheringbehindhedges，crestingridges，occupyingcopses，rushingopenspaces，fightingfromhousetohouse。ThehillsidesaboutPengewerehoneycombedinmyimaginationwiththepitsandtrenchesIhadcreatedtocheekavictoriousinvadercomingoutofSurrey。ForhimWestKensingtonwaschieflyimportantasthesceneofadesperateandsuccessfullaststandofinsurrectionarytroops(whohadseizedtheNavy，theBankandotheradvantages)againstaroyalistarmy——

reinforcedbyGermans——advancingforreasonsbestknowntothemselvesbywayofHarrowandEaling。Itisasecretandsolitarygame，aswefoundwhenwetriedtoplayittogether。Wemadeasuccessofthatonlyonce。AllthewaydowntoMargateweschemeddefencesandassailedandfoughtthemaswecamebackagainstthesunset。AfterwardswerecapitulatedallthatconflictbymeansofalargescalemapoftheThamesandlittlepaperironcladsinplancutoutofpaper。

AsubsequentrevivaloftheseimaginingswasbroughtaboutbyBritten'sluckingetting，throughafriendofhisfather's，admissionforusbothtothespectacleofvolunteerofficersfightingthewargameinCaxtonHall。WedevelopedawargameofourownatBritten'shomewithnearlyacoupleofhundredleadsoldiers，someexcellentspringcannonsthatshothardandtrueatsixyards，hillsofbooksandaconstantlyelaboratedsetofrules。

Forsomemonthsthatoccupiedanimmenseproportionofourleisure。

Someofourbattleslastedseveraldays。Wekeptthegameaprofoundsecretfromtheotherfellows。Theywouldnothaveunderstood。

Andwealsobegan，itwascertainlybeforeweweresixteen，towrite，forthesakeofwriting。Welikedwriting。WehaddiscoveredLambandthebestofthemiddlearticlesinsuchweekliesastheSATURDAYGAZETTE，andweimitatedthem。Ourmindswerefullofdimuncertainthingswewantedtodragoutintothelightofexpression。BrittenhadgotholdofINMEMORIAM，andIhaddisinterredPope'sESSAYONMANandRABBIBENEZRA，andthesethingshadsetourtheologicalandcosmicsolicitudestalking。Iwassomewherebetweensixteenandeighteen，Iknow，whenheandIwalkedalongtheThamesEmbankmentconfessingshamefullytooneanotherthatwehadneverreadLucretius。WethoughteveryonewhomatteredhadreadLucretius。

WhenIwasnearlysixteenmymotherwastakenillverysuddenly，anddiedofsomeperplexingcomplaintthatinvolvedapost-mortemexamination；itwas，Ithink，thetroublethathassincethosedaysbeenrecognisedasappendicitis。Thisledtoaconsiderablechangeinmycircumstances；thehouseatPengewasgivenup，andmyStaffordshireunclearrangedformetolodgeduringschooltermswithaneedysolicitorandhiswifeinVicarsStreet，S。W。，aboutamileandahalffromtheschool。SoitwasIcamerightintoLondon；IhadalmosttwoyearsofLondonbeforeIwenttoCambridge。

Tehosewereourgreatdaystogether。Afterwardsweweretornapart；

BrittenwenttoOxford，andourcircumstancesneverafterwardsthrewuscontinuouslytogetheruntilthedaysoftheBLUEWEEKLY。

Asboys，wewalkedtogether，readanddiscussedthesamebooks，pursuedthesameenquiries。WegotareputationasinseparablesandthenicknameoftheRoseandtheLily，forBrittenwasshortandthick-setwithdarkclosecurlinghairandaruddyIrishtypeofface；Iwasleanandfair-hairedandsomeinchestallerthanhe。

Ourtalkrangedwidelyandyethadcertainverydefinitelimitations。Wewereamazinglyfreewithpoliticsandreligion，wewenttothatlittlemeeting-houseofWilliamMorris'satHammersmithandworkedouttheprinciplesofSocialismprettythoroughly，andwegotuptheDarwiniantheorywiththehelpofBritten'smedical-

studentbrotherandthegalleriesoftheNaturalHistoryMuseuminCromwellRoad。Thosewonderfulcasesonthegroundfloorillustratingmimicry，dimorphismandsoforth，werenewinourtimes，andwewentthroughthemwithearnestindustryandtriedoverourDarwinisminthelightofthat。Suchtopicswedidexhaustively。ButontheotherhandIdonotrememberanydiscussionwhateverofhumansexorsexualrelationships。There，inspiteofintensesecretcuriosities，ourlipsweresealedbyapeculiarshyness。AndIdonotbelieveweeverhadoccasioneitherofustousetheword"love。"Itwasnotonlythatwewereinstinctivelyshyofthesubject，butthatweweremightilyashamedoftheextentofourignoranceanduncertaintyinthesematters。Weevadedthemelaboratelywithanassumptionofexhaustiveknowledge。

Wecertainlyhadnoshynessabouttheology。Wemarkedtheemancipationofourspiritsfromthefrightfulteachingsthathadoppressedourboyhood，bymuchindulgenceinblasphemouswit。Wehadasecretliteratureofirreverentrhymes，andasecretartoftheologicalcaricature。Britten'sfatherhaddelightedhisfamilybyreadingaloudfromDr。RichardGarnett'sTWILIGHTOFTHEGODS，andBrittenconveyedthepreciousvolumetome。ThatandtheBAB

BALLADSweretheinspirationofsomeofourearliestlucubrations。

Foranimaginativeboythefirstexperienceofwritingislikeatiger'sfirsttasteofblood，andourliteraryfloweringsledverydirectlytotherevivaloftheschoolmagazine，whichhadbeencomatoseforsomeyears。Buttherewecameuponadisappointment。

8

InthatrevivalweassociatedcertainotheroftheSixthFormboys，andnotablyoneforwhomourenterprisewastolaythefoundationsofacareerthathasendedintheHouseofLords，ArthurCossington，nowLordPaddockhurst。Cossingtonwasatthattimearatherheavy，rathergood-lookingboywhowaschieflyeminentincricket，anoutsiderevenaswewereandpreoccupiednodoubt，hadwebeensufficientlydetachedtoobservehim，withprivateimaginingsverymuchofthesamequalityandspiritasourown。Hewas，wewereinclinedtothink，ratherasentimentalist，ratheraposeur，heaffectedaconciseemphaticstyl，playedchessverywell，betrayedabeliefinwill-power，andearnedBritten'ssecrethostility，Brittenbeingasloven，bytheinvariableneatnessofhiscollarsandties。Hecameintoourmagazinewithavigourthatwefoundextremelysurprisingandunwelcome。

BrittenandIhadwantedtowrite。Wehadindeedfiguredourprojectmodestlyasamanuscriptmagazineofsatirical，liberalandbrilliantliteraturebywhichinsomeratherinexplicablewaythevaguetumultofideasthatteemedwithinuswastofindformandexpression；Cossington，itwasmanifestfromtheoutset，wantedneithertowritenorwriting，butamagazine。IremembertheinauguralmeetinginShoesmithmajor'sstudy——wehadhadgreattroubleingettingittogether——andhoweffectuallyCossingtonboltedwiththeproposal。

"Ithinkwefellowsoughttorunamagazine，"saidCossington。"Theschoolusedtohaveone。Aschoollikethisoughttohaveamagazine。"

"Thelastonediedin'84，"saidShoesmithfromthehearthrug。

"CalledtheOBSERVER。Rotrather。"

"Badtitle，"saidCossington。

"TherewasaTATLERbeforethat，"saidBritten，sittingonthewritingtableatthewindowthatwasclosedtodeadenthecriesoftheLowerSchoolatplay，andclashinghisbootstogether。

"WewantsomethingsuggestiveofCityMerchants。"

"CITYMERCHANDIZE，"saidBritten。

"Toofanciful。WhatofARVONIAN？RichardArvonwasourfounder，anditseemsalmostaduty——"

"Theycallthemall-usiansor-onians，"saidBritten。

"IlikeCITYMERCHANDIZE，"Isaid。"Wecouldprobablyfindaquotationtosuggest——oh！mixedgoodthings。"

Cossingtonregardedmeabstractedly。

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