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Jane Eyre
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第2章
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Asingularnotiondawneduponme。Idoubtednot—neverdoubted—thatifMr。Reedhadbeenalivehewouldhavetreatedmekindly;andnow,asIsatlookingatthewhitebedandovershadowedwalls—occasionallyalsoturningafascinatedeyetowardsthedimlygleaningmirror—IbegantorecallwhatIhadheardofdeadmen,troubledintheirgravesbytheviolationoftheirlastwishes,revisitingtheearthtopunishtheperjuredandavengetheoppressed;andIthoughtMr。Reed’sspirit,harassedbythewrongsofhissister’schild,mightquititsabode—whetherinthechurchvaultorintheunknownworldofthedeparted—andrisebeforemeinthischamber。Iwipedmytearsandhushedmysobs,fearfullestanysignofviolentgriefmightwakenapreternaturalvoicetocomfortme,orelicitfromthegloomsomehaloedface,bendingovermewithstrangepity。Thisidea,consolatoryintheory,Ifeltwouldbeterribleifrealised:withallmymightIendeavouredtostifleit—Iendeavouredtobefirm。Shakingmyhairfrommyeyes,Iliftedmyheadandtriedtolookboldlyroundthedarkroom;atthismomentalightgleamedonthewall。Wasit,Iaskedmyself,arayfromthemoonpenetratingsomeapertureintheblind?No;moonlightwasstill,andthisstirred;whileIgazed,itglideduptotheceilingandquiveredovermyhead。Icannowconjecturereadilythatthisstreakoflightwas,inalllikelihood,agleamfromalanterncarriedbysomeoneacrossthelawn:butthen,preparedasmymindwasforhorror,shakenasmynerveswerebyagitation,Ithoughttheswiftdartingbeamwasaheraldofsomecomingvisionfromanotherworld。Myheartbeatthick,myheadgrewhot;asoundfilledmyears,whichIdeemedtherushingofwings;somethingseemednearme;Iwasoppressed,suffocated:endurancebrokedown;Irushedtothedoorandshookthelockindesperateeffort。Stepscamerunningalongtheouterpassage;thekeyturned,BessieandAbbotentered。

“MissEyre,areyouill?”saidBessie。

“Whatadreadfulnoise!itwentquitethroughme!”exclaimedAbbot。

“Takemeout!Letmegointothenursery!”wasmycry。

“Whatfor?Areyouhurt?Haveyouseensomething?”againdemandedBessie。

“Oh!Isawalight,andIthoughtaghostwouldcome。”IhadnowgotholdofBessie’shand,andshedidnotsnatchitfromme。

“Shehasscreamedoutonpurpose,”declaredAbbot,insomedisgust。“Andwhatascream!Ifshehadbeeningreatpainonewouldhaveexcusedit,butsheonlywantedtobringusallhere:Iknowhernaughtytricks。”

“Whatisallthis?”demandedanothervoiceperemptorily;andMrs。Reedcamealongthecorridor,hercapflyingwide,hergownrustlingstormily。“AbbotandBessie,IbelieveIgaveordersthatJaneEyreshouldbeleftinthered—roomtillIcametohermyself。”

“MissJanescreamedsoloud,ma’am,”pleadedBessie。

“Lethergo,”wastheonlyanswer。“LooseBessie’shand,child:youcannotsucceedingettingoutbythesemeans,beassured。Iabhorartifice,particularlyinchildren;itismydutytoshowyouthattrickswillnotanswer:youwillnowstayhereanhourlonger,anditisonlyonconditionofperfectsubmissionandstillnessthatIshallliberateyouthen。”

“Oaunt!havepity!Forgiveme!Icannotendureit—letmebepunishedsomeotherway!Ishallbekilledif—”

“Silence!Thisviolenceisallmostrepulsive:”andso,nodoubt,shefeltit。Iwasaprecociousactressinhereyes;shesincerelylookedonmeasacompoundofvirulentpassions,meanspirit,anddangerousduplicity。

BessieandAbbothavingretreated,Mrs。Reed,impatientofmynowfranticanguishandwildsobs,abruptlythrustmebackandlockedmein,withoutfartherparley。Iheardhersweepingaway;andsoonaftershewasgone,IsupposeIhadaspeciesoffit:unconsciousnessclosedthescene。

Chapter3

ThenextthingIrememberis,wakingupwithafeelingasifIhadhadafrightfulnightmare,andseeingbeforemeaterribleredglare,crossedwiththickblackbars。Iheardvoices,too,speakingwithahollowsound,andasifmuffledbyarushofwindorwater:agitation,uncertainty,andanall—predominatingsenseofterrorconfusedmyfaculties。Erelong,Ibecameawarethatsomeonewashandlingme;liftingmeupandsupportingmeinasittingposture,andthatmoretenderlythanIhadeverbeenraisedorupheldbefore。Irestedmyheadagainstapilloworanarm,andfelteasy。

Infiveminutesmorethecloudofbewildermentdissolved:IknewquitewellthatIwasinmyownbed,andthattheredglarewasthenurseryfire。Itwasnight:acandleburntonthetable;Bessiestoodatthebed—footwithabasininherhand,andagentlemansatinachairnearmypillow,leaningoverme。

Ifeltaninexpressiblerelief,asoothingconvictionofprotectionandsecurity,whenIknewthattherewasastrangerintheroom,anindividualnotbelongingtoGateshead。,andnotrelatedtoMrs。Reed。TurningfromBessie(thoughherpresencewasfarlessobnoxioustomethanthatofAbbot,forinstance,wouldhavebeen),Iscrutinisedthefaceofthegentleman:Iknewhim;itwasMr。Lloyd,anapothecary,sometimescalledinbyMrs。Reedwhentheservantswereailing:forherselfandthechildrensheemployedaphysician。

“Well,whoamI?”heasked。

Ipronouncedhisname,offeringhimatthesametimemyhand:hetookit,smilingandsaying,“Weshalldoverywellby—and—by。”Thenhelaidmedown,andaddressingBessie,chargedhertobeverycarefulthatIwasnotdisturbedduringthenight。Havinggivensomefurtherdirections,andintimatesthatheshouldcallagainthenextday,hedeparted;tomygrief:Ifeltsoshelteredandbefriendedwhilehesatinthechairnearmypillow;andasheclosedthedoorafterhim,alltheroomdarkenedandmyheartagainsank:inexpressiblesadnessweigheditdown。

“Doyoufeelasifyoushouldsleep,Miss?”askedBessie,rathersoftly。

ScarcelydaredIanswerher;forIfearedthenextsentencemightberough。“Iwilltry。”

“Wouldyouliketodrink,orcouldyoueatanything?”

“No,thankyou,Bessie。”

“ThenIthinkIshallgotobed,foritispasttwelveo’clock;butyoumaycallmeifyouwantanythinginthenight。”

Wonderfulcivilitythis!Itemboldenedmetoaskaquestion。

“Bessie,whatisthematterwithme?AmIill?”

“Youfellsick,Isuppose,inthered—roomwithcrying;you’llbebettersoon,nodoubt。”

Bessiewentintothehousemaid’sapartment,whichwasnear。Iheardhersay—

“Sarah,comeandsleepwithmeinthenursery;Idaren’tformylifebealonewiththatpoorchildto—night:shemightdie;it’ssuchastrangethingsheshouldhavethatfit:Iwonderifshesawanything。Missiswasrathertoohard。”

Sarahcamebackwithher;theybothwenttobed;theywerewhisperingtogetherforhalf—an—hourbeforetheyfellasleep。Icaughtscrapsoftheirconversation,fromwhichIwasableonlytoodistinctlytoinferthemainsubjectdiscussed。

“Somethingpassedher,alldressedinwhite,andvanished”—“Agreatblackdogbehindhim”—“Threeloudrapsonthechamberdoor”—“Alightinthechurchyardjustoverhisgrave,”&c。&c。

Atlastbothslept:thefireandthecandlewentout。Forme,thewatchesofthatlongnightpassedinghastlywakefulness;strainedbydread:suchdreadaschildrenonlycanfeel。

Nosevereorprolongedbodilyillnessfollowedthisincidentofthered—room;itonlygavemynervesashockofwhichIfeelthereverberationtothisday。Yes,Mrs。Reed,toyouIowesomefearfulpangsofmentalsuffering,butIoughttoforgiveyou,foryouknewnotwhatyoudid:whilerendingmyheart—strings,youthoughtyouwereonlyuprootingmybadpropensities。

Nextday,bynoon,Iwasupanddressed,andsatwrappedinashawlbythenurseryhearth。Ifeltphysicallyweakandbrokendown:butmyworseailmentwasanunutterablewretchednessofmind:awretchednesswhichkeptdrawingfrommesilenttears;nosoonerhadIwipedonesaltdropfrommycheekthananotherfollowed。Yet,Ithought,Ioughttohavebeenhappy,fornoneoftheReedswerethere,theywereallgoneoutinthecarriagewiththeirmama。Abbot,too,wassewinginanotherroom,andBessie,asshemovedhitherandthither,puttingawaytoysandarrangingdrawers,addressedtomeeverynowandthenawordofunwontedkindness。Thisstateofthingsshouldhavebeentomeaparadiseofpeace,accustomedasIwastoalifeofceaselessreprimandandthanklessfagging;but,infact,myrackednerveswerenowinsuchastatethatnocalmcouldsoothe,andnopleasureexcitethemagreeably。

Bessiehadbeendownintothekitchen,andshebroughtupwithheratartonacertainbrightlypaintedchinaplate,whosebirdofparadise,nestlinginawreathofconvolvuliandrosebuds,hadbeenwonttostirinmeamostenthusiasticsenseofadmiration;andwhichplateIhadoftenpetitionedtobeallowedtotakeinmyhandinordertoexamineitmoreclosely,buthadalwayshithertobeendeemedunworthyofsuchaprivilege。Thispreciousvesselwasnowplacedonmyknee,andIwascordiallyinvitedtoeatthecircletofdelicatepastryuponit。Vainfavour!coming,likemostotherfavourslongdeferredandoftenwishedfor,toolate!Icouldnoteatthetart;andtheplumageofthebird,thetintsoftheflowers,seemedstrangelyfaded:Iputbothplateandtartaway。BessieaskedifIwouldhaveabook:thewordBOOKactedasatransientstimulus,andIbeggedhertofetchGulliver’sTravelsfromthelibrary。ThisbookIhadagainandagainperusedwithdelight。Iconsidereditanarrativeoffacts,anddiscoveredinitaveinofinterestdeeperthanwhatIfoundinfairytales:forastotheelves,havingsoughttheminvainamongfoxgloveleavesandbells,undermushroomsandbeneaththeground—ivymantlingoldwall—nooks,Ihadatlengthmadeupmymindtothesadtruth,thattheywereallgoneoutofEnglandtosomesavagecountrywherethewoodswerewilderandthicker,andthepopulationmorescant;whereas,LilliputandBrobdignagbeing,inmycreed,solidpartsoftheearth’ssurface,IdoubtednotthatImightoneday,bytakingalongvoyage,seewithmyowneyesthelittlefields,houses,andtrees,thediminutivepeople,thetinycows,sheep,andbirdsoftheonerealm;andthecorn—fieldsforest—high,themightymastiffs,themonstercats,thetower—likemenandwomen,oftheother。Yet,whenthischerishedvolumewasnowplacedinmyhand—whenIturnedoveritsleaves,andsoughtinitsmarvellouspicturesthecharmIhad,tillnow,neverfailedtofind—allwaseerieanddreary;thegiantsweregauntgoblins,thepigmiesmalevolentandfearfulimps,Gulliveramostdesolatewandererinmostdreadanddangerousregions。Iclosedthebook,whichIdarednolongerperuse,andputitonthetable,besidetheuntastedtart。

Bessiehadnowfinisheddustingandtidyingtheroom,andhavingwashedherhands,sheopenedacertainlittledrawer,fullofsplendidshredsofsilkandsatin,andbeganmakinganewbonnetforGeorgiana’sdoll。Meantimeshesang:hersongwas—

“Inthedayswhenwewentgipsying,

Alongtimeago。”

Ihadoftenheardthesongbefore,andalwayswithlivelydelight;forBessiehadasweetvoice,—atleast,Ithoughtso。Butnow,thoughhervoicewasstillsweet,Ifoundinitsmelodyanindescribablesadness。Sometimes,preoccupiedwithherwork,shesangtherefrainverylow,verylingeringly;“Alongtimeago”cameoutlikethesaddestcadenceofafuneralhymn。Shepassedintoanotherballad,thistimeareallydolefulone。

“Myfeettheyaresore,andmylimbstheyareweary;

Longistheway,andthemountainsarewild;

Soonwillthetwilightclosemoonlessanddreary

Overthepathofthepoororphanchild。

Whydidtheysendmesofarandsolonely,

Upwherethemoorsspreadandgreyrocksarepiled?

Menarehard—hearted,andkindangelsonly

Watcho’erthestepsofapoororphanchild。

Yetdistantandsoftthenightbreezeisblowing,

Cloudstherearenone,andclearstarsbeammild,

God,inHismercy,protectionisshowing,

Comfortandhopetothepoororphanchild。

Ev’nshouldIfallo’erthebrokenbridgepassing,

Orstrayinthemarshes,byfalselightsbeguiled,

StillwillmyFather,withpromiseandblessing,

TaketoHisbosomthepoororphanchild。

Thereisathoughtthatforstrengthshouldavailme,

Thoughbothofshelterandkindreddespoiled;

Heavenisahome,andarestwillnotfailme;

Godisafriendtothepoororphanchild。”

“Come,MissJane,don’tcry,”saidBessieasshefinished。Shemightaswellhavesaidtothefire,“don’tburn!”buthowcouldshedivinethemorbidsufferingtowhichIwasaprey?InthecourseofthemorningMr。Lloydcameagain。

“What,alreadyup!”saidhe,asheenteredthenursery。“Well,nurse,howisshe?”

BessieansweredthatIwasdoingverywell。

“Thensheoughttolookmorecheerful。Comehere,MissJane:yournameisJane,isitnot?”

“Yes,sir,JaneEyre。”

“Well,youhavebeencrying,MissJaneEyre;canyoutellmewhatabout?Haveyouanypain?”

“No,sir。”

“Oh!IdaresaysheiscryingbecauseshecouldnotgooutwithMissisinthecarriage,”interposedBessie。

“Surelynot!why,sheistoooldforsuchpettishness。”

Ithoughtsotoo;andmyself—esteembeingwoundedbythefalsecharge,Iansweredpromptly,“Inevercriedforsuchathinginmylife:Ihategoingoutinthecarriage。IcrybecauseIammiserable。”

“Ohfie,Miss!”saidBessie。

Thegoodapothecaryappearedalittlepuzzled。Iwasstandingbeforehim;hefixedhiseyesonmeverysteadily:hiseyesweresmallandgrey;notverybright,butIdaresayIshouldthinkthemshrewdnow:hehadahard—featuredyetgood—naturedlookingface。Havingconsideredmeatleisure,hesaid—

“Whatmadeyouillyesterday?”

“Shehadafall,”saidBessie,againputtinginherword。

“Fall!why,thatislikeababyagain!Can’tshemanagetowalkatherage?Shemustbeeightornineyearsold。”

“Iwasknockeddown,”wasthebluntexplanation,jerkedoutofmebyanotherpangofmortifiedpride;“butthatdidnotmakemeill,”Iadded;whileMr。Lloydhelpedhimselftoapinchofsnuff。

Ashewasreturningtheboxtohiswaistcoatpocket,aloudbellrangfortheservants’dinner;heknewwhatitwas。“That’sforyou,nurse,”saidhe;“youcangodown;I’llgiveMissJanealecturetillyoucomeback。”

Bessiewouldratherhavestayed,butshewasobligedtogo,becausepunctualityatmealswasrigidlyenforcedatGatesheadHall。

“Thefalldidnotmakeyouill;whatdid,then?”pursuedMr。LloydwhenBessiewasgone。

“Iwasshutupinaroomwherethereisaghosttillafterdark。”

IsawMr。Lloydsmileandfrownatthesametime。

“Ghost!What,youareababyafterall!Youareafraidofghosts?”

“OfMr。Reed’sghostIam:hediedinthatroom,andwaslaidoutthere。NeitherBessienoranyoneelsewillgointoitatnight,iftheycanhelpit;anditwascrueltoshutmeupalonewithoutacandle,—socruelthatIthinkIshallneverforgetit。”

“Nonsense!Andisitthatmakesyousomiserable?Areyouafraidnowindaylight?”

“No:butnightwillcomeagainbeforelong:andbesides,—Iamunhappy,—veryunhappy,forotherthings。”

“Whatotherthings?Canyoutellmesomeofthem?”

HowmuchIwishedtoreplyfullytothisquestion!Howdifficultitwastoframeanyanswer!Childrencanfeel,buttheycannotanalysetheirfeelings;andiftheanalysisispartiallyeffectedinthought,theyknownothowtoexpresstheresultoftheprocessinwords。Fearful,however,oflosingthisfirstandonlyopportunityofrelievingmygriefbyimpartingit,I,afteradisturbedpause,contrivedtoframeameagre,though,asfarasitwent,trueresponse。

“Foronething,Ihavenofatherormother,brothersorsisters。”

“Youhaveakindauntandcousins。”

AgainIpaused;thenbunglinglyenounced—

“ButJohnReedknockedmedown,andmyauntshutmeupinthered—room。”

Mr。Lloydasecondtimeproducedhissnuff—box。

“Don’tyouthinkGatesheadHallaverybeautifulhouse?”askedhe。“Areyounotverythankfultohavesuchafineplacetoliveat?”

“Itisnotmyhouse,sir;andAbbotsaysIhavelessrighttobeherethanaservant。”

“Pooh!youcan’tbesillyenoughtowishtoleavesuchasplendidplace?”

“IfIhadanywhereelsetogo,Ishouldbegladtoleaveit;butIcannevergetawayfromGatesheadtillIamawoman。”

“Perhapsyoumay—whoknows?HaveyouanyrelationsbesidesMrs。Reed?”

“Ithinknot,sir。”

“Nonebelongingtoyourfather?”

“Idon’tknow。IaskedAuntReedonce,andshesaidpossiblyImighthavesomepoor,lowrelationscalledEyre,butsheknewnothingaboutthem。”

“Ifyouhadsuch,wouldyouliketogotothem?”

Ireflected。Povertylooksgrimtogrownpeople;stillmoresotochildren:theyhavenotmuchideaofindustrious,working,respectablepoverty;theythinkofthewordonlyasconnectedwithraggedclothes,scantyfood,firelessgrates,rudemanners,anddebasingvices:povertyformewassynonymouswithdegradation。

“No;Ishouldnotliketobelongtopoorpeople,”wasmyreply。

“Noteveniftheywerekindtoyou?”

Ishookmyhead:Icouldnotseehowpoorpeoplehadthemeansofbeingkind;andthentolearntospeaklikethem,toadopttheirmanners,tobeuneducated,togrowuplikeoneofthepoorwomenIsawsometimesnursingtheirchildrenorwashingtheirclothesatthecottagedoorsofthevillageofGateshead:no,Iwasnotheroicenoughtopurchaselibertyatthepriceofcaste。

“Butareyourrelativessoverypoor?Aretheyworkingpeople?”

“Icannottell;Aunt。ReedsaysifIhaveany,theymustbeabeggarlyset:Ishouldnotliketogoabegging。”

“Wouldyouliketogotoschool?”

AgainIreflected:Iscarcelyknewwhatschoolwas:Bessiesometimesspokeofitasaplacewhereyoungladiessatinthestocks,worebackboards,andwereexpectedtobeexceedinglygenteelandprecise:JohnReedhatedhisschool,andabusedhismaster;butJohnReed’stasteswerenoruleformine,andifBessie’saccountsofschool—discipline(gatheredfromtheyoungladiesofafamilywhereshehadlivedbeforecomingtoGateshead)weresomewhatappalling,herdetailsofcertainaccomplishmentsattainedbythesesameyoungladieswere,Ithought,equallyattractive。Sheboastedofbeautifulpaintingsoflandscapesandflowersbythemexecuted;ofsongstheycouldsingandpiecestheycouldplay,ofpursestheycouldnet,ofFrenchbookstheycouldtranslate;tillmyspiritwasmovedtoemulationasIlistened。Besides,schoolwouldbeacompletechange:itimpliedalongjourney,anentireseparationfromGateshead,anentranceintoanewlife。

“Ishouldindeedliketogotoschool,”wastheaudibleconclusionofmymusings。

“Well,well!whoknowswhatmayhappen?”saidMr。Lloyd,ashegotup。“Thechildoughttohavechangeofairandscene,”headded,speakingtohimself;“nervesnotinagoodstate。”

Bessienowreturned;atthesamemomentthecarriagewasheardrollingupthegravel—walk。

“Isthatyourmistress,nurse?”askedMr。Lloyd。“IshouldliketospeaktoherbeforeIgo。”

Bessieinvitedhimtowalkintothebreakfast—room,andledthewayout。IntheinterviewwhichfollowedbetweenhimandMrs。Reed,Ipresume,fromafter—occurrences,thattheapothecaryventuredtorecommendmybeingsenttoschool;andtherecommendationwasnodoubtreadilyenoughadopted;forasAbbotsaid,indiscussingthesubjectwithBessiewhenbothsatsewinginthenurseryonenight,afterIwasinbed,and,astheythought,asleep,“Missiswas,shedaredsay,gladenoughtogetridofsuchatiresome,ill—conditionedchild,whoalwayslookedasifshewerewatchingeverybody,andschemingplotsunderhand。”Abbot,Ithink,gavemecreditforbeingasortofinfantineGuyFawkes。

OnthatsameoccasionIlearned,forthefirsttime,fromMissAbbot’scommunicationstoBessie,thatmyfatherhadbeenapoorclergyman;thatmymotherhadmarriedhimagainstthewishesofherfriends,whoconsideredthematchbeneathher;thatmygrandfatherReedwassoirritatedatherdisobedience,hecutheroffwithoutashilling;thataftermymotherandfatherhadbeenmarriedayear,thelattercaughtthetyphusfeverwhilevisitingamongthepoorofalargemanufacturingtownwherehiscuracywassituated,andwherethatdiseasewasthenprevalent:thatmymothertooktheinfectionfromhim,andbothdiedwithinamonthofeachother。

Bessie,whensheheardthisnarrative,sighedandsaid,“PoorMissJaneistobepitied,too,Abbot。”

“Yes,”respondedAbbot;“ifshewereanice,prettychild,onemightcompassionateherforlornness;butonereallycannotcareforsuchalittletoadasthat。”

“Notagreatdeal,tobesure,”agreedBessie:“atanyrate,abeautylikeMissGeorgianawouldbemoremovinginthesamecondition。”

“Yes,IdoatonMissGeorgiana!”criedtheferventAbbot。“Littledarling!—withherlongcurlsandherblueeyes,andsuchasweetcolourasshehas;justasifshewerepainted!—Bessie,IcouldfancyaWelshrabbitforsupper。”

“SocouldI—witharoastonion。Come,we’llgodown。”Theywent。

Chapter4

FrommydiscoursewithMr。Lloyd,andfromtheabovereportedconferencebetweenBessieandAbbot,Igatheredenoughofhopetosufficeasamotiveforwishingtogetwell:achangeseemednear,—Idesiredandwaiteditinsilence。Ittarried,however:daysandweekspassed:Ihadregainedmynormalstateofhealth,butnonewallusionwasmadetothesubjectoverwhichIbrooded。Mrs。Reedsurveyedmeattimeswithasevereeye,butseldomaddressedme:sincemyillness,shehaddrawnamoremarkedlineofseparationthaneverbetweenmeandherownchildren;appointingmeasmallclosettosleepinbymyself,condemningmetotakemymealsalone,andpassallmytimeinthenursery,whilemycousinswereconstantlyinthedrawing—room。Notahint,however,didshedropaboutsendingmetoschool:stillIfeltaninstinctivecertaintythatshewouldnotlongenduremeunderthesameroofwithher;forherglance,nowmorethanever,whenturnedonme,expressedaninsuperableandrootedaversion。

ElizaandGeorgiana,evidentlyactingaccordingtoorders,spoketomeaslittleaspossible:Johnthrusthistongueinhischeekwheneverhesawme,andonceattemptedchastisement;butasIinstantlyturnedagainsthim,rousedbythesamesentimentofdeepireanddesperaterevoltwhichhadstirredmycorruptionbefore,hethoughtitbettertodesist,andranfrommetitteringexecrations,andvowingIhadbursthisnose。Ihadindeedlevelledatthatprominentfeatureashardablowasmyknucklescouldinflict;andwhenIsawthateitherthatormylookdauntedhim,Ihadthegreatestinclinationtofollowupmyadvantagetopurpose;buthewasalreadywithhismama。Iheardhiminablubberingtonecommencethetaleofhow“thatnastyJaneEyre”hadflownathimlikeamadcat:hewasstoppedratherharshly—

“Don’ttalktomeabouther,John:Itoldyounottogonearher;sheisnotworthyofnotice;Idonotchoosethateitheryouoryoursistersshouldassociatewithher。”

Here,leaningoverthebanister,Icriedoutsuddenly,andwithoutatalldeliberatingonmywords—

“Theyarenotfittoassociatewithme。”

Mrs。Reedwasratherastoutwoman;but,onhearingthisstrangeandaudaciousdeclaration,sherannimblyupthestair,sweptmelikeawhirlwindintothenursery,andcrushingmedownontheedgeofmycrib,daredmeinanemphaticvoicetorisefromthatplace,orutteronesyllableduringtheremainderoftheday。

“WhatwouldUncleReedsaytoyou,ifhewerealive?”wasmyscarcelyvoluntarydemand。Isayscarcelyvoluntary,foritseemedasifmytonguepronouncedwordswithoutmywillconsentingtotheirutterance:somethingspokeoutofmeoverwhichIhadnocontrol。

“What?”saidMrs。Reedunderherbreath:herusuallycoldcomposedgreyeyebecametroubledwithalooklikefear;shetookherhandfrommyarm,andgazedatmeasifshereallydidnotknowwhetherIwerechildorfiend。Iwasnowinforit。

“MyUncleReedisinheaven,andcanseeallyoudoandthink;andsocanpapaandmama:theyknowhowyoushutmeupalldaylong,andhowyouwishmedead。”

Mrs。Reedsoonralliedherspirits:sheshookmemostsoundly,sheboxedbothmyears,andthenleftmewithoutaword。Bessiesuppliedthehiatusbyahomilyofanhour’slength,inwhichsheprovedbeyondadoubtthatIwasthemostwickedandabandonedchildeverrearedunderaroof。Ihalfbelievedher;forIfeltindeedonlybadfeelingssurginginmybreast。

November,December,andhalfofJanuarypassedaway。ChristmasandtheNewYearhadbeencelebratedatGatesheadwiththeusualfestivecheer;presentshadbeeninterchanged,dinnersandeveningpartiesgiven。FromeveryenjoymentIwas,ofcourse,excluded:myshareofthegaietyconsistedinwitnessingthedailyapparellingofElizaandGeorgiana,andseeingthemdescendtothedrawing—room,dressedoutinthinmuslinfrocksandscarletsashes,withhairelaboratelyringletted;andafterwards,inlisteningtothesoundofthepianoortheharpplayedbelow,tothepassingtoandfroofthebutlerandfootman,tothejinglingofglassandchinaasrefreshmentswerehanded,tothebrokenhumofconversationasthedrawing—roomdooropenedandclosed。Whentiredofthisoccupation,Iwouldretirefromthestairheadtothesolitaryandsilentnursery:there,thoughsomewhatsad,Iwasnotmiserable。Tospeaktruth,Ihadnottheleastwishtogointocompany,forincompanyIwasveryrarelynoticed;andifBessiehadbutbeenkindandcompanionable,Ishouldhavedeemeditatreattospendtheeveningsquietlywithher,insteadofpassingthemundertheformidableeyeofMrs。Reed,inaroomfullofladiesandgentlemen。ButBessie,assoonasshehaddressedheryoungladies,usedtotakeherselfofftothelivelyregionsofthekitchenandhousekeeper’sroom,generallybearingthecandlealongwithher。Ithensatwithmydollonmykneetillthefiregotlow,glancingroundoccasionallytomakesurethatnothingworsethanmyselfhauntedtheshadowyroom;andwhentheemberssanktoadullred,Iundressedhastily,tuggingatknotsandstringsasIbestmight,andsoughtshelterfromcoldanddarknessinmycrib。TothiscribIalwaystookmydoll;humanbeingsmustlovesomething,and,inthedearthofworthierobjectsofaffection,Icontrivedtofindapleasureinlovingandcherishingafadedgravenimage,shabbyasaminiaturescarecrow。ItpuzzlesmenowtorememberwithwhatabsurdsincerityIdoatedonthislittletoy,halffancyingitaliveandcapableofsensation。Icouldnotsleepunlessitwasfoldedinmynight—gown;andwhenitlaytheresafeandwarm,Iwascomparativelyhappy,believingittobehappylikewise。

LongdidthehoursseemwhileIwaitedthedepartureofthecompany,andlistenedforthesoundofBessie’ssteponthestairs:sometimesshewouldcomeupintheintervaltoseekherthimbleorherscissors,orperhapstobringmesomethingbywayofsupper—abunoracheese—cake—thenshewouldsitonthebedwhileIateit,andwhenIhadfinished,shewouldtucktheclothesroundme,andtwiceshekissedme,andsaid,“Goodnight,MissJane。”Whenthusgentle,Bessieseemedtomethebest,prettiest,kindestbeingintheworld;andIwishedmostintenselythatshewouldalwaysbesopleasantandamiable,andneverpushmeabout,orscold,ortaskmeunreasonably,asshewastoooftenwonttodo。BessieLeemust,Ithink,havebeenagirlofgoodnaturalcapacity,forshewassmartinallshedid,andhadaremarkableknackofnarrative;so,atleast,Ijudgefromtheimpressionmadeonmebyhernurserytales。Shewasprettytoo,ifmyrecollectionsofherfaceandpersonarecorrect。Irememberherasaslimyoungwoman,withblackhair,darkeyes,verynicefeatures,andgood,clearcomplexion;butshehadacapriciousandhastytemper,andindifferentideasofprincipleorjustice:still,suchasshewas,IpreferredhertoanyoneelseatGatesheadHall。

【推荐阅读】幽幽深宫,醒来一梦似千年,重生于下堂妃身躯中的她,将如何手刃仇人? 点击阅读

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