YoungButesaidthat，speakingasanarchitect，heofcourseadmiredtheancientmasterpiecesofhisart。HeadmiredtheErechtheumatAthens；butSpurgeon’sTabernacleintheOldKentRoadbuiltuponthesamemodelwouldhaveirritatedhim。ForaGreciantempleyouwantedGrecianskiesandGreciangirls。Hesaidthat，evenasitwas，WestminsterAbbeyintheseasonwasaneyesoretohim。TheDeanandChoirintheirwhitesurplicespassedmuster，butthecongregationinitsblackfrock—coatsandParishatsgavehimthesamesenseofincongruityaswouldabanquetofbarefootedfriarsinthedining—
halloftheCannonStreetHotel。
Itstruckmetherewassenseinwhathesaid。Idecidednottomentionmyideaofcarving1553abovethefront—door。
Hesaidhecouldnotunderstandthispassionofthemodernhouse—
builderforplayingatbeingaCrusaderoraCanterburyPilgrim。A
retiredBerlinboot—makerofhisacquaintancehadbuilthimselfaminiatureRomanCastlenearHeidelberg。Theyplayedbilliardsinthedungeon，andletofffireworksontheKaiser’sbirthdayfromtheroofofthewatch—tower。
Anotheracquaintanceofhis，adraperatHolloway，hadbuilthimselfamoatedgrange。Themoatwassuppliedfromthewater—worksunderspecialarrangement，andalltheelectriclightswereimitationcandles。Hehaddonethethingthoroughly。Hehadevendesignedahauntedchamberinblue，andaminiaturechapel，whichheusedasatelephonecloset。YoungButehadbeeninviteddowntherefortheshootingintheautumn。Hesaidhecouldnotbesurewhetherhewasdoingrightorwrong，buthisintentionwastoprovidehimselfwithabowandarrows。
Achangewascomingoverthisyoungman。Wehadtalkedonothersubjectsandhehadbeenshyanddeferential。Onthismatterofbricksandmortarhespokeasoneexplainingthings。
IventuredtosayafewwordsinfavouroftheTudorhouse。TheTudorhouse，heargued，wasafitandproperresidencefortheTudorcitizen——forthemanwhosewiferodebehindhimonapack—saddle，whoconductedhiscorrespondencebythehelpofamoss—trooper。TheTudorfireplacewasdesignedforfolkstowhomcoalwasunknown，andwholefttheirsmokingtotheirchimneys。Ahousethatlookedridiculouswithamotor—carbeforethedoor，wheretheelectricbelljarreduponone’ssenseoffitnesseverytimeoneheardit，wasoutofdate，hemaintained。
"Foryou，sir，"hecontinued，"atwentieth—centurywriter，tobuildyourselfaTudorHousewouldbeasabsurdasforBenJonsontohaveplannedhimselfaNormanCastlewithatorture—chamberunderneaththewine—cellar，andthefireplaceinthemiddleofthedining—hall。HisfellowcroniesoftheMermaidwouldhavethoughthimstark，staringmad。"
Therewasreasoninwhathewassaying。Idecidednottomentionmyideaofalteringthechimneysandfixingupimitationgables，especiallyasyoungButeseemedpleasedwiththehouse，whichbythistimewehadreached。
"Now，thatisagoodhouse，"saidyoungBute。"Thatisahousewhereamaninafrock—coatandtrouserscansitdownandnotfeelhimselfastrangerfromanotherage。Itwasbuiltforamanwhoworeafrock—coatandtrousers——onweekdays，maybe，gaitersandashooting—
coat。YoucanenjoyagameofbilliardsinthathousewithoutthefeelingthatcomestoyouwhenplayingtennisintheshadowofthePyramids。"
Weentered，andIputbeforehimmynotions——suchofthemasIfelthewouldapprove。Weweresometimeaboutthebusiness，andwhenwelookedatourwatchesyoungBute’slasttraintotownhadgone。
Therestillremainedmuchtotalkabout，andIsuggestedheshouldreturnwithmetothecottageandtakehisluck。IcouldsleepwithDickandhecouldhavemyroom。Itoldhimaboutthecow，buthesaidhewasapractisedsleeperandwouldbedelighted，ifIcouldlendhimanight—shirt，andifIthoughtMissRobinawouldnotbeputout。IassuredhimthatitwouldbeagoodthingforRobina；theunexpectedguestwouldbeausefullessontoherinhousekeeping。
Besides，asIpointedouttohim，itdidn’treallymatterevenifRobinawereputout。
"Nottoyou，sir，perhaps，"heanswered，withasmile。"Itisnotwithyouthatshewillbeindignant。"
"Thatwillbeallright，myboy，"Itoldhim；"Itakeallresponsibility。"
"AndIshallgetalltheblame，"helaughed。
But，asIpointedouttohim，itreallydidn’tmatterwhomRobinablamed。Wetalkedaboutwomengenerallyonourwayback。Itoldhim——impressinguponhimtherewasnoneedforittogofarther——thatIpersonallyhadcometotheconclusionthatthebestwaytodealwithwomenwastotreatthemallaschildren。Heagreeditmightbeagoodmethod，butwantedtoknowwhatyoudidwhentheytreatedyouasachild。
Iknowamostdelightfulcouple：theyhavebeenmarriednearlytwentyyears，andbothwillassureyouthatanangrywordhasneverpassedbetweenthem。Hecallsherhis"LittleOne，"althoughshemustbequitesixinchestallerthanhimself，andisnevertiredofpattingherhandorpinchingherear。Theyaskedheronceinthedrawing—room——sotheLittleMothertellsme——herrecipefordomesticbliss。Shesaidthemistakemostwomenmadewastakingmentooseriously。
"Theyarejustovergrownchildren，that’salltheyare，poordears，"
shelaughed。
Therearetwokindsoflove：thereisthelovethatkneelsandlooksupward，andthelovethatlooksdownandpats。FordurabilityIampreparedtobackthelatter。
ThearchitecthaddiedoutofyoungBute；hewasagainashyyoungmanduringourwalkbacktothecottage。Myhandwasonthelatchwhenhestayedme。
"Isn’tthistheback—dooragain，sir？"heenquired。
Itwastheback—door；Ihadnotnoticedit。
"Hadn’twebettergoroundtothefront，sir，don’tyouthink？"hesaid。
"Itdoesn’tmatter——"Ibegan。
Buthehaddisappeared。SoIfollowedhim，andweenteredbythefront。Robinawasstandingbythetable，peelingpotatoes。
"IhavebroughtMr。Butebackwithme，"Iexplained。"Heisgoingtostopthenight。"
Robinasaid："IfeverIgotoliveinacottageagainitwillhaveonedoor。"Shetookherpotatoeswithherandwentupstairs。
"Idohopesheisn’tputout，"saidyoungBute。
"Don’tworryyourself，"Icomfortedhim。"Ofcoursesheisn’tputout。Besides，Idon’tcareifsheis。She’sgottogetusedtobeingputout；it’spartofthelessonoflife。"
Itookhimupstairs，meaningtoshowhimhisbedroomandtakemyownthingsoutofit。Thedoorsofthetwobedroomswereoppositeoneanother。Imadeamistakeandopenedthewrongdoor。Robina，stillpeelingpotatoes，wassittingonthebed。
Iexplainedwehadmadeamistake。Robinasaiditwasofnoconsequencewhatever，and，takingthepotatoeswithher，wentdownstairsagain。Lookingoutofthewindow，Isawhermakingtowardsthewood。Shewastakingthepotatoeswithher。
"Idowishwehadn’topenedthedoorofthewrongroom，"groanedyoungBute。
"Whataworryingchapyouare！"Isaidtohim。"Lookatthethingfromthehumorouspointofview。It’sfunnywhenyoucometothinkofit。Whereverthepoorgirlgoes，tryingtopeelherpotatoesinpeaceandquietness，weburstinuponher。Whatweoughttodonowistotakeawalkinthewood。Itisaprettywood。Wemightsaywehadcometopickwildflowers。"
ButIcouldnotpersuadehim。Hesaidhehadletterstowrite，and，ifIwouldallowhim，wouldremaininhisroomtilldinnerwasready。
DickandVeronicacameinalittlelater。DickhadbeentoseeMr。
St。Leonardtoarrangeaboutlessonsinfarming。HesaidhethoughtIshouldliketheoldman，whowasn’tabitlikeafarmer。HehadbroughtVeronicabackinoneofhergoodmoods，shehavingmetthereandfalleninlovewithadonkey。Dickconfidedtomethat，withoutcommittinghimself，hehadhintedtoVeronicathatifshewouldremaingoodforquitealongwhileImightbeinducedtobuyitforher。Itwasasturdylittleanimal，andcouldbemadeuseful。
Anyhow，itwouldgiveVeronicaanobjectinlife——somethingtostrivefor——whichwasjustwhatshewanted。Heisathoughtfulladattimes，isDick。
ThedinnerwasmoresuccessfulthanIhadhopedfor。Robinagaveusmelonasahorsd’oeuvre，followedbysardinesandafowl，withpotatoesandvegetablemarrow。Hercookingsurprisedme。IhadwarnedyoungButethatitmightbenecessarytoregardthisdinnerratherasajokethanasaneveningmeal，andwaspreparedmyselftoextractamusementfromitratherthannourishment。Mydisappointmentwasagreeable。Onecanalwaysimagineacomicdinner。
Idinedoncewithanewlymarriedcouplewhohadjustreturnedfromtheirhoneymoon。Weoughttohavesatdownateighto’clock；wesatdowninsteadathalf—pastten。Thecookhadstarteddrinkinginthemorning；byseveno’clockshewasspeechless。Thewife，givinguphopeataquartertoeight，hadcookedthedinnerherself。Theotherguestsweresympathisedwith，butallIgotwascongratulation。
"He’llwritesomethingsofunnyaboutthisdinner，"theysaid。
Youmighthavethoughtthecookhadgotdrunkonpurposetoobligeme。Ihaveneverbeenabletowriteanythingfunnyaboutthatdinner；itdepressesmetothisday，merelythinkingofit。
WefinishedupwithacoldtrifleandsomeexcellentcoffeethatRobinabrewedoveralamponthetablewhileDickandVeronicaclearedaway。ItwasoneofthejolliestlittledinnersIhaveevereaten；and，ifRobina’sfiguresaretobetrusted，costexactlysix—
and—fourpenceforthefiveofus。Therebeingnoservantsabout，wetalkedfreelyandenjoyedourselves。IbeganonceatadinnertotellagoodstoryaboutaScotchman，whenmyhostsilencedmewithalook。Heisakindlyman，andhadheardthestorybefore。Heexplainedtomeafterwards，overthewalnuts，thathisparlourmaidwasScotchandrathertouchy。ThetalkfellintothediscussionofHomeRule，andagainourhostsilencedus。ItseemedhisbutlerwasanIrishmanandaviolentParnellite。Somepeoplecantalkasthoughservantsweremeremachines，buttometheyarehumanbeings，andtheirpresencehampersme。Iknowmyguestshavenotheardthestorybefore，andfromone’sownfleshandbloodoneexpectsacertainamountofsacrifice。ButIfeelsosorryforthehousemaidwhoiswaiting；shemusthavehearditadozentimes。Ireallycannotinflictituponheragain。
Afterdinnerwepushedthetableintoacorner，andDickextractedasortofwaltzfromRobina’smandoline。ItisyearssinceIdanced；
butVeronicasaidshewouldratherdancewithmeanydaythanwithsomeofthe"lumps"youweregiventodragroundbythedancing—
mistress。Ihavehalfamindtotakeitupagain。Afterall，amanisonlyasoldashefeels。
YoungBute，itturnedout，wasacapitaldancer，andcouldevenreverse，whichinaroomfourteenfeetsquareisofadvantage。
Robinaconfidedtomeafterhewasgonethatwhilehewasdancingshecouldjusttoleratehim。IcannotmyselfseerhymeorreasoninRobina’sobjectiontohim。Heisnothandsome，butheisgood—
looking，asboysgo，andhasapleasantsmile。Robinasaysitishissmilethatmaddensher。Dickagreeswithmethatthereissenseinhim；andVeronica，notgiventoloosepraise，considershisperformanceofaRedIndian，bothdeadandalive，thefinestpieceofactingshehaseverencountered。Wewounduptheeveningwithalittlesinging。TheextentofDick’srepertoiresurprisedme；
evidentlyhehasnotbeensoidleatCambridgeasitseemed。YoungButehasabaritonevoiceofsomerichness。Werememberedatquarter—pasteleventhatVeronicaoughttohavegonetobedateight。
Wewereallofussurprisedatthelatenessofthehour。
"Whycan’twealwaysliveinacottageanddojustaswelike？I’msureit’smuchjollier，"VeronicaputittomeasIkissedhergoodnight。
"Becauseweareidiots，mostofus，Veronica，"Ianswered。
CHAPTERV
IstartedthenextmorningtocalluponSt。Leonard。NeartothehouseIencounteredyoungHopkinsonahorse。Hewaswavingapitchforkoverhisheadandreciting"TheChargeoftheLightBrigade。"Thehorselookedamused。HetoldmeIshouldfind"thegov’nor"upbythestables。St。Leonardisnotan"oldman。"Dickmusthaveseenhiminabadlight。Ishoulddescribehimasabouttheprimeoflife，alittleolderthanmyself，butnothingtospeakof。Dickwasright，however，insayinghewasnotlikeafarmer。Tobeginwith，"HubertSt。Leonard"doesnotsoundlikeafarmer。Onecanimagineamanwithanamelikethatwritingabookaboutfarming，havingtheoriesonthissubject。Butintheordinarycourseofnaturethingswouldnotgrowforhim。Hedoesnotlooklikeafarmer。Onecannotsaypreciselywhatitis，butthereisthataboutafarmerthattellsyouheisafarmer。Thefarmerhasawayofleaningoveragate。Therearenotmanywaysofleaningoveragate。
IhavetriedallIcouldthinkof，butitwasneverquitetherightway。Ithastobeintheblood。Afarmerhasawayofstandingononelegandlookingatathingthatisn’tthere。Itsoundssimple，butthereisknackinit。Thefarmerisnotsurpriseditisnotthere。Heneverexpectedittobethere。Itisoneofthosethingsthatoughttobe，andisnot。Thefarmer’slifeisfullofsuch。
Sufferingreducedtoascienceiswhatthefarmerstandsfor。Allhislifeheisthegoodmanstrugglingagainstadversity。Nothinghiswaycomesright。Thisdoesnotseemtobehisplanet。
Providencemeanswell，butshedoesnotunderstandfarming。Sheisdoingherbest，hesupposes；thatsheisabornmuddlerisnotherfault。IfProvidencecouldonlystepdownforamonthortwoandtakeafewlessonsinpracticalfarming，thingsmightbebetter；butthisbeingoutofthequestionthereisnothingmoretobesaid。
FromconversationwithfarmersoneconjuresupapictureofProvidenceasawell—intentionedamateur，putintoapositionforwhichsheisutterlyunsuited。
"Rain，"saysProvidence，"theyarewantingrain。WhatdidIdowiththatrain？"
Shefindstherainandstartsit，andispleasedwithherselfuntilsomeWanderingSpiritpausesonhiswayandaskshersarcasticallywhatshethinksshe’sdoing。
"Raining，"explainsProvidence。"Theywantedrain——farmers，youknow，thatsortofpeople。"
"Theywon’twantanythingforlong，"retortstheSpirit。"They’llbedrownedintheirbedsbeforeyou’vedonewiththem。"
"Don’tsaythat！"saysProvidence。
"Well，havealookforyourselfifyouwon’tbelieveme，"saystheSpirit。"You’vespoiltthatharvestagain，you’veruinedallthefruit，andyouarerottingeventheturnips。Don’tyoueverlearnbyexperience？"
"Itissodifficult，"saysProvidence，"toregulatethesethingsjustright。"
"Soitseems——foryou，"retortstheSpirit。"Anyhow，Ishouldnotrainanymore，ifIwereyou。Ifyoumust，atleastgivethemtimetobuildanotherark。"AndtheWanderingSpiritcontinuesonhisway。
"Theplacedoeslookabitwet，nowIcometonoticeit，"saysProvidence，peepingdownovertheedgeofherstar。"Betterturnonthefineweather，Isuppose。"
Shestartswithshecalls"setfair，"andfeelingnowthatsheissomethinglikeaProvidence，composesherselfforadoze。SheisstartledoutofhersleepbythereturnoftheWanderingSpirit。
"Beendownthereagain？"sheaskshimpleasantly。
"Justcomeback，"explainstheWanderingSpirit。
"Prettyspot，isn’tit？"saysProvidence。"Thingsniceanddrydowntherenow，aren’tthey？"
"You’vehitit，"heanswers。"Dryistheword。Theriversaredriedup，thewellsaredriedup，thecattlearedying，thegrassisallwithered。Asfortheharvest，therewon’tbeanyharvestforthenexttwoyears！Oh，yes，thingsaredryenough。"
OneimaginesProvidenceburstingintotears。"Butyousuggestedyourselfalittlefineweather。"
"IknowIdid，"answerstheSpirit。"Ididn’tsuggestasixmonths’
droughtwiththethermometeratahundredandtwentyintheshade。
Doesn’tseemtomethatyou’vegotanysenseatall。"
"Idowishthisjobhadbeengiventosomeoneelse，"saysProvidence。
"Yes，andyouarenottheonlyonetowishit，"retortstheSpiritunfeelingly。
"Idomybest，"urgesProvidence，wipinghereyeswithherwings。"I
amnotfittedforit。"
"Atruerwordyouneveruttered，"retortstheSpirit。
"Itry——nobodycouldtryharder，"wailsProvidence。"EverythingIdoseemstobewrong。"
"Whatyouwant，"saystheSpirit，"islessenthusiasmandalittlecommonsenseinplaceofit。Yougetexcited，andthenyouloseyourhead。Whenyoudosendrain，tentooneyousenditwhenitisn’twanted。Youkeepbackyoursunshine——justasadufferatwhistkeepsbackhistrumps——untilitisnogood，andthenyoudealitoutallatonce。"
"I’lltryagain，"saidProvidence。"I’lltryquitehardthistime。"
"You’vebeentryingagain，"retortstheSpiritunsympathetically，"eversinceIhaveknownyou。Itisnotthatyoudonottry。Itisthatyouhavenotgotthehangofthings。Whydon’tyougetyourselfanalmanack？"
TheWanderingSpirittakeshisleave。Providencetellsherselfshereallymustgetthatalmanack。Shetiesaknotinherhandkerchief。
Itisnotherfault：shewasmadelikeit。Sheforgetsaltogetherforwhatreasonshetiedthatknot。ThinksitwastoremindhertosendfrostsinMay，orScotchmistsinAugust。Sheisnotsurewhich，sosendsboth。Thefarmerhasceasedeventobeangrywithher——recognisesthatafflictionandsorrowaregoodforhisimmortalsoul，andpursueshiswayincalmnesstotheBankruptcyCourt。
HubertSt。Leonard，ofWindrushBottomFarm，Ifoundtobeaworried—
lookinggentleman。Hetapshisweather—glass，andhopesandfears，notknowingasyetthatallthingshavebeenorderedforhisill。Itwillbeyearsbeforehisspiritisattunedtothatattitudeoftranquildespairessentialtothefarmer：onefeelsit。Heistallandthin，withasensitive，mobileface，andacurioustrickoftakinghisheadeverynowandagainbetweenhishands，asiftobesureitisstillthere。WhenImethimhewasonthepointofstartingforhisround，soIwalkedwithhim。Hetoldmethathehadnotalwaysbeenafarmer。Tillafewyearsagohehadbeenastockbroker。Buthehadalwayshatedhisoffice；andhavingsavedalittle，haddeterminedwhenhecametofortytoenjoytherareluxuryoflivinghisownlife。Iaskedhimifhefoundthatfarmingpaid。
Hesaid：
"Asineverythingelse，itdependsuponthepriceyouputuponyourself。Now，asacasualobserver，whatwageperannumwouldyousayIwasworth？"
Itwasanawkwardquestion。
"Youareafraidthatifyouspokecandidlyyouwouldoffendme，"hesuggested。"Verywell。Forthepurposeofexplainingmytheoryletustake，instead，yourowncase。Ihavereadallyourbooks，andI
likethem。Speakingasanadmirer，Ishouldestimateyouatfivehundredayear。You，perhaps，maketwothousand，andconsideryourselfworthfive。"
Thewhimsicalsmilewithwhichheaccompaniedthespeechdisarmedme。
"Whatwemostofusdo，"hecontinued，"istoover—capitaliseourselves。JohnSmith，honestlyworthahundredayear，claimstobeworthtwo。Result：difficultyofearningdividend，over—work，over—
worry，constantfearofbeingwoundup。Now，thereisthataboutyourworkthatsuggeststomeyouwouldbehappierearningfivehundredayearthanyoueverwillbeearningtwothousand。Topayyourdividend——toearnyourtwothousand——youhavetodoworkthatbringsyounopleasureinthedoing。Contentwithfivehundred，youcouldaffordtodoonlythatworkthatdoesgiveyoupleasure。Thisisnotaperfectworld，wemustremember。Intheperfectworldthethinkerwouldbeworthmorethanthemerejester。Intheperfectworldthefarmerwouldbeworthmorethanthestockbroker。InmakingtheexchangeIhadtowritemyselfdown。Iearnlessmoney，butgetmoreenjoymentoutoflife。Iusedtobeabletoaffordchampagne，butmyliverwasalwayswrong，andIdarednotdrinkit。NowI
cannotaffordchampagne，butIenjoymybeer。Thatismytheory，thatweareallofusentitledtopaymentaccordingtoourmarketvalue，neithermorenorless。Youcantakeitallincash。Iusedto。Oryoucantakelesscashandmorefun：thatiswhatIamgettingnow。"
"Itisdelightful，"Isaid，"tomeetwithaphilosopher。Onehearsaboutthem，ofcourse；butIhadgotitintomymindtheywerealldead。"
"Peoplelaughatphilosophy，"hesaid。"Inevercouldunderstandwhy。Itisthescienceoflivingafree，peaceful，happyexistence。
Iwouldgivehalfmyremainingyearstobeaphilosopher。"
"Iamnotlaughingatphilosophy，"Isaid。"Ihonestlythoughtyouwereaphilosopher。Ijudgedsofromthewayyoutalked。"
"Talked！"heretorted。"Anybodycantalk。Asyouhavejustsaid，I
talklikeaphilosopher。"
"Butyounotonlytalk，"Iinsisted，"youbehavelikeaphilosopher。
Sacrificingyourincometothejoyoflivingyourownlife！Itistheactofaphilosopher。"
Iwantedtokeephimingoodhumour。Ihadthreethingstotalktohimabout：thecow，thedonkey，andDick。
"No，itwasn’t，"heanswered。"Aphilosopherwouldhaveremainedastockbrokerandbeenjustashappy。Philosophydoesnotdependuponenvironment。Youputthephilosopherdownanywhere。Itisallthesametohim，hetakeshisphilosophywithhim。Youcansuddenlytellhimheisanemperor，orgivehimpenalservitudeforlife。Hegoesonbeingaphilosopherjustasifnothinghadhappened。Wehaveanoldtom—cat。Thechildrenleaditanawfullife。Itdoesnotseemtomattertothecat。Theyshutitupinthepiano：theirideaisthatitwillmakeanoiseandfrightensomeone。Itdoesn’tmakeanoise；itgoestosleep。Whenanhourlatersomeoneopensthepiano，thepoorthingislyingtherestretchedoutuponthekeyboardpurringtoitself。Theydressitupinthebaby’sclothesandtakeitoutintheperambulator：itliesthereperfectlycontentedlookingroundatthescenery——takesinthefreshair。Theyhaulitaboutbyitstail。
Youwouldthink，towatchitswinginggentlytoandfroheaddownwards，thatitwasgratefultothemforgivingitanewsensation。Apparentlyitlooksoneverythingthatcomesitswayashelpfulexperience。Itlostaleglastwinterinatrap：itgoesaboutquitecheerfullyonthree。Seemstoberatherpleased，ifanything，athavinglostthefourth——saveswashing。Now，heisyourtruephilosopher，thatcat；nevermindswhathappenstohim，andisequallycontentedifitdoesn’t。"
Ifoundmyselfbecomingfretful。Iknowamanwithwhomitisimpossibletodisagree。MenattheClub——new—comers——havebeenluredintotakingbetsthattheycouldonanytopicunderthesunfindthemselvesoutofsympathywithhim。TheyhavedenouncedMr。LloydGeorgeasatraitortohiscountry。Thismanhasrisenandshakenthembythehand，wordsbeingtooweaktoexpresshisadmirationoftheiroutspokenfearlessness。YoumighthavethoughtthemNihilistsdenouncingtheRussianGovernmentfromthestepsoftheKremlinatMoscow。Theyhave，inthenextbreath，abusedMr。Balfourintermstransgressingthelawofslander。Hehasalmostfallenontheirnecks。IthastranspiredthattheonedreamofhislifewastohearMr。Balfourabused。Ihavetalkedtohimmyselfforaquarterofanhour，andgatheredthatathearthewasapeace—at—any—priceman，stronglyinfavourofConscription，avehementRepublican，withadeep—rootedcontemptfortheworkingclasses。Itisnotbadsporttocollecthalfadozenandtalkroundhim。Atsuchtimeshesuggeststhefamilydogthatsixpeoplefromdifferentpartsofthehousearecallingtoatthesametime。Hewantstogotothemallatonce。
IfeltIhadgottounderstandthisman，orhewouldworryme。
"Wearegoingtobeneighbours，"Isaid，"andIaminclinedtothinkIshalllikeyou。Thatis，ifIcangettoknowyou。Youcommencebyenthusingonphilosophy：Ihastentoagreewithyou。Itisanoblescience。Whenmyyoungestdaughterhasgrownup，whentheotheronehaslearntalittlesense，whenDickisoffmyhands，andtheBritishpublichascometoappreciategoodliterature，Iamhopingtobeabitofaphilosophermyself。ButbeforeIcanexplaintoyoumyviewsyouhavealreadychangedyourown，andarelikeningthephilosophertoanoldtom—catthatseemstobeweakinhishead。
Soberlynow，whatareyou？"
"Afool，"heansweredpromptly；"amostunfortunatefool。Ihavethemindofaphilosophercoupledtoanintenselyirritabletemperament。
Myphilosophyteachesmetobeashamedofmyirritability，andmyirritabilitymakesmyphilosophyappeartobearrantnonsensetomyself。Thephilosopherinmetellsmeitdoesnotmatterwhenthetwinsfalldownthewishing—well。Itisnotadeepwell。Itisnotthefirsttimetheyhavefallenintoit：itwillnotbethelast。
Suchthingspass：thephilosopheronlysmiles。Themaninmecallsthephilosopherablitheringidiotforsayingitdoesnotmatterwhenitdoesmatter。Menhavetobecalledawayfromtheirworktohaulthemout。Weallofusgetwet。Igetwetandexcited，andthatalwaysstartsmyliver。Thechildren’sclothesareutterlyspoilt。
Confoundthem，"——thebloodwasmountingtohishead——"theynevercaretogonearthewellexcepttheyaredressedintheirbestclothes。
OnotherdaystheywillstopindoorsandreadFoxe’s’BookofMartyrs。’Thereissomethinguncannyabouttwins。Whatisit？Whyshouldtwinsbeworsethanotherchildren？Theordinarychildisnotanangel，Heavenknows。Takethesebootsofmine。Lookatthem；I
havehadthemforovertwoyears。Itramptenmilesadayinthem；
theyhavebeensoakedthroughahundredtimes。Youbuyaboyapairofboots——"
"Whydon’tyoucoveroverthewell？"Isuggested。
"Thereyouareagain，"hereplied。"Thephilosopherinme——thesensibleman——says，’Whatisthegoodofthewell？Itisnothingbutmudandrubbish。Somethingisalwaysfallingintoit——ifitisn’tthechildrenit’sthepigs。Whynotdoawaywithit？’"
"Seemstobesoundadvice，"Icommented。
"Itis，"heagreed。"NomanalivehasmoresoundcommonsensethanI
have，ifonlyIwerecapableoflisteningtomyself。DoyouknowwhyIdon’tbrickinthatwell？BecausemywifetoldmeIwouldhaveto。
Itwasthefirstthingshesaidwhenshesawit。Shesaysitagaineverytimeanythingdoesfallintoit。’Ifonlyyouwouldtakemyadvice’——youknowthesortofthing。Nobodyirritatesmemorethanthepersonwhosays，’Itoldyouso。’It’sapicturesqueoldruin：
itusedtobehaunted。That’sallbeenknockedontheheadsincewecame。Whatself—respectingnymphcanhauntawellintowhichchildrenandpigsareforeverflopping？"
Helaughed；butbeforeIcouldjoinhimhewasangryagain。"WhyshouldIblockupanhistoricwell，thatisanornamenttothegarden，becauseapackoffoolscan’tkeepagateshut？Asforthechildren，whattheywantisathoroughgoodwhipping，andoneofthesedays——"
Avoicecryingtoustostopinterruptedhim。
"Amonmyround。Can’tcome，"heshouted。
"Butyoumust，"explainedthevoice。
Heturnedsoquicklythathealmostknockedmeover。"Botherandconfoundthemall！"hesaid。"Whydon’ttheykeeptothetime—table？
There’snosysteminthisplace。Thatiswhatruinsfarming——wantofsystem。"
Hewentongrumblingashewalked。Ifollowedhim。Halfwayacrossthefieldwemettheownerofthevoice。Shewasapleasant—lookinglass，notexactlypretty——notthesortofgirloneturnstolookatinacrowd——yet，havingseenher，itwasagreeabletocontinuelookingather。St。Leonardintroducedmetoherashiseldestdaughter，Janie，andexplainedtoherthatbehindthestudydoor，ifonlyshewouldtakethetroubletolook，shewouldfindatime—table—
"Accordingtowhich，"repliedMissJanie，withasmile，"yououghtatthepresentmomenttobeintherick—yard，whichisjustwhereIwantyou。"
"Whattimeisit？"heasked，feelinghiswaistcoatforawatchthatappearednottobethere。
"Quartertoeleven，"Itoldhim。
Hetookhisheadbetweenhishands。"GoodGod！"hecried，"youdon’tsaythat！"
Thenewbinder，MissJanietoldus，hadjustarrived。Shewasanxiousherfathershouldseeitwasinworkingorderbeforethemenwentback。"Otherwise，"sosheargued，"oldWilkinswillpersistitwasallrightwhenhedeliveredit，andweshallhavenoremedy。"
Weturnedtowardsthehouse。
"Speakingofthepractical，"Isaid，"therewerethreethingsIcametotalktoyouabout。Firstandforemost，thatcow。"
"Ah，yes，thecow，"saidSt。Leonard。Heturnedtohisdaughter。
"ItwasMaud，wasitnot？"
"No，"sheanswered，"itwasSusie。"
"Itistheone，"Isaid，"thatbellowsmostallnightandthreepartsoftheday。YourboyHopkinsthinksmaybeshe’sfretting。"
"Poorsoul！"saidSt。Leonard。"Weonlytookhercalfawayfromher—
—whendidwetakehercalfawayfromher？"heaskedofJanie。
"OnThursdaymorning，"returnedJanie；"thedaywesentherover。"
"Theyfeelitsoatfirst，"saidSt。Leonardsympathetically。
"Itsoundsabrutalsentiment，"Isaid，"butIwaswonderingifbyanychanceyouhappenedtohavebyyouonethatdidn’tfeelitquitesomuch。Isupposeamongcowsthereisnoclassthatcorrespondstowhatwetermour’SmartSet’——cowsthatdon’treallycarefortheircalves，thataregladtogetawayfromthem？"
MissJaniesmiled。Whenshesmiled，youfeltyouwoulddomuchtoseehersmileagain。
"Butwhynotkeepitupatyourhouse，inthepaddock，"shesuggested，"andhavethemilkbroughtdown？Thereisanexcellentcowshed，anditisonlyamileaway。"
Itstruckmetherewassenseinthisidea。Ihadnotthoughtofthat。IaskedSt。LeonardwhatIowedhimforthecow。HeaskedMissJanie，andshesaidsixteenpounds。Ihadbeenwarnedthatindoingbusinesswithfarmersitwouldbenecessaryalwaystobargain；
buttherewasthataboutMissJanie’stonetellingmethatwhenshesaidsixteenpoundsshemeantsixteenpounds。IbegantoseeabrightersidetoHubertSt。Leonard’scareerasafarmer。
"Verywell，"Isaid；"wewillregardthecowassettled。"
Imadeanote："Cow，sixteenpounds。Havethecowshedgotready，andbuyoneofthosebigcansonwheels。"
"Youdon’thappentowantmilk？"IputittoMissJanie。"Susieseemstobegoodforaboutfivegallonsaday。I’mafraidifwedrinkitallourselveswe’llgettoofat。"
"Attwopencehalfpennyaquart，deliveredatthehouse，asmuchasyoulike，"repliedMissJanie。
Imadeanoteofthatalso。"Happentoknowausefulboy？"IaskedMissJanie。
"WhataboutyoungHopkins，"suggestedherfather。
"Theonlymalethingonthisfarm——withtheexceptionofyourself，ofcourse，fatherdear——thathasgotanysense，"saidMissJanie。"Hecan’thaveHopkins。"
"TheonlyfaultIhavetofindwithHopkins，"saidSt。Leonard，"isthathetalkstoomuch。"
"Personally，"Isaid，"Ishouldpreferacountrylad。Ihavecomedownheretobeinthecountry。WithHopkinsaround，Idon’tsomehowfeelitisthecountry。Imightimagineitagardencity：thatisasnearasHopkinswouldallowmetoget。Ishouldlikemyselfsomethingmoresuggestiveofruralsimplicity。"
"IthinkIknowthesortofthingyoumean，"smiledMissJanie。"Areyoufairlygood—tempered？"
"Icangenerally，"Ianswered，"confinemyselftosarcasm。Itpleasesme，andasfarasIhavebeenabletonotice，doesneitherharmnorgoodtoanyoneelse。"
"I’llsendyouupaboy，"promisedMissJanie。
Ithankedher。"Andnowwecometothedonkey。"
"Nathaniel，"explainedMissJanie，inanswertoherfather’slookofenquiry。"Wedon’treallywantit。"
"Janie，"saidMr。St。Leonardinatoneofauthority，"Iinsistuponbeinghonest。"
"Iwasgoingtobehonest，"retortedMissJanie，offended。
"MydaughterVeronicahasgivenmetounderstand，"Isaid，"thatifI
buyherthisdonkeyitwillbe，forher，thecommencementofanewandbetterlife。Idonotattachundueimportancetothebargain，butoneneverknows。Theinfluencesthatmakeforreformationinhumancharacteraresubtleandunexpected。Anyhow，itdoesn’tseemrighttothrowachanceaway。Addedtowhich，ithasoccurredtomethatadonkeymightbeusefulinthegarden。"
"Hehaslivedatmyexpenseforupwardsoftwoyears，"repliedSt。
Leonard。"Icannotmyselfseeanymoralimprovementhehasbroughtintomyfamily。Whateffecthemayhaveuponyourchildren，Icannotsay。Butwhenyoutalkabouthisbeingusefulinagarden——"
"Hedrawsacart，"interruptedMissJanie。
"Solongassomeonewalksbesidehimfeedinghimwithcarrots。Wetriedfixingthecarrotonapolesixinchesbeyondhisreach。Thatworksallrightinthepicture：itstartsthisdonkeykicking。"
"Youknowyourself，"hecontinuedwithgrowingindignation，"theverylasttimeyourmothertookhimoutsheusedupallhercarrotsgettingthere，withtheresultthatheandthecarthadtobehauledhomebehindatrolley。"
Wehadreachedtheyard。Nathanielwasstandingwithhisheadstretchedoutabovetheclosedhalfofhisstabledoor。InoticedpointsofresemblancebetweenhimandVeronicaherself：therewasabouthimalikesuggestionofresignation，ofsufferingvirtuemisunderstood；hiseyehadthesamewistful，yearningexpressionwithwhichVeronicawillstandbeforethewindowgazingoutuponthepurplesunset，whilepeoplearecallingtoherfromdistantpartsofthehousetocomeandputherthingsaway。MissJanie，bendingoverhim，askedhimtokissher。Hecomplied，butwithagentle，reproachfullookthatseemedtosay，"Whycallmebackagaintoearth？"
Itmadememadwithhim。IwaswronginthinkingMissJanienotaprettygirl。Hersisthattypeofbeautythatescapesattentionbyitsownperfection。Itistheeccentric，thediscordant，thatarreststherovingeye。Toharmonyonehastoattuneoneself。
"Ibelieve，"saidMissJanie，asshedrewaway，wipinghercheek，"onecouldteachthatdonkeyanything。"
Apparentlysheregardedwillingnesstokissherasindicationofexceptionalamiability。
"Excepttowork，"commentedherfather。"I’lltellyouwhatI’lldo，"hesaid。"Ifyoutakethatdonkeyoffmyhandsandpromisenottosenditbackagain，why，youcanhaveit。"
"Fornothing？"demandedJaniewoefully。
"Fornothing，"insistedherfather。"AndifIhaveanyargument，I’llthrowinthecart。"
MissJaniesighedandshruggedhershoulders。ItwasarrangedthatHopkinsshoulddeliverNathanielintomykeepingsometimethenextday。Hopkins，itappeared，wastheonlypersononthefarmwhocouldmakethedonkeygo。
"Idon’tknowwhatitis，"saidSt。Leonard，"buthehasawaywithhim。"
"Andnow，"Isaid，"thereremainsbutDick。"
"TheladIsawyesterday？"suggestedSt。Leonard。"Good—lookingyoungfellow。"
"Heisaniceboy，"Isaid。"Idon’treallythinkIknowanicerboythanDick；andclever，whenyoucometounderstandhim。ThereisonlyonefaultIhavetofindwithDick：Idon’tseemabletogethimtowork。"
MissJaniewassmiling。Iaskedherwhy。
"Iwasthinking，"sheanswered，"howclosetheresemblanceappearstobebetweenhimandNathaniel。"
Itwastrue。Ihadnotthoughtofit。
"Themistake，"saidSt。Leonard，"iswithourselves。Weassumeeveryboytohavethesoulofaprofessor，andeverygirlageniusformusic。WepackoffoursonstocramthemselveswithGreekandLatin，andputourdaughtersdowntostrumatthepiano。Ninetimesoutoftenitissheerwasteoftime。TheysentmetoCambridge，andsaidI
waslazy。Iwasnotlazy。IwasnotintendedbynatureforaSeniorWrangler。IdidnotseethegoodofbeingaSeniorWrangler。WhowantsaworldofSeniorWranglers？Thenwhystarteveryyoungmantrying？Iwantedtobeafarmer。Ifintelligentladsweretaughtfarmingasabusiness，farmingwouldpay。Inthenameofcommon—
sense——"
"Iaminclinedtoagreewithyou，"Iinterruptedhim。"IwouldratherseeDickagoodfarmerthanathird—ratebarrister，anyhow。
Hethinkshecouldtakeaninterestinfarming。TherearetenweeksbeforeheneedgobacktoCambridge，sufficienttimefortheexperiment。Willyoutakehimasapupil？"
St。Leonardgraspedhisheadbetweenhishandsandhelditfirmly。
"IfIconsent，"hesaid，"Imustinsistonbeinghonest"
IsawthewoefulnessagaininJanie’seyes。
"Ithink，"Isaid，"itismyturntobehonest。Ihavegotthedonkeyfornothing；IinsistonpayingforDick。Theyarewaitingforyouintherick—yard。IwillsettlethetermswithMissJanie。"
Heregardedusbothsuspiciously。
"Iwillpromisetobehonest，"laughedMissJanie。
"Ifit’smorethanI’mworth，"hesaid，"I’llsendhimhomeagain。
Mytheoryis——"
Hestumbledoverapigwhich，accordingtothetime—table，oughtnottohavebeenthere。Theywentoffhurriedlytogether，thepigleading，bothscreaming。
MissJaniesaidshewouldshowmetheshortcutacrossthefields；wecouldtalkaswewent。Wewalkedinsilenceforawhile。
"Youmustnotthink，"shesaid，"Ilikebeingtheonetodoallthehaggling。Ifeelalittlesoreaboutitveryoften。Butsomebody，ofcourse，mustdoit；andasforfather，poordear——"
Ilookedather。Her’sisthebeautytowhichatouchofsadnessaddsacharm。
"Howoldareyou？"Iaskedher。
"Twenty，"sheanswered，"nextbirthday。"
"Ijudgedyoutobeolder，"Isaid。
"Mostpeopledo，"sheanswered。
"MydaughterRobina，"Isaid，"isjustthesameage——accordingtoyears；andDickistwenty—one。Ihopeyouwillbefriendswiththem。
Theyhavegotsense，bothofthem。Itcomesouteverynowandagainandsurprisesyou。Veronica，Ithink，isnine。IamnotsurehowVeronicaisgoingtoturnout。Sometimesthingshappenthatmakeusthinkshehasabeautifulcharacter，andthenforquitelongperiodssheseemstoloseitaltogether。TheLittleMother——Idon’tknowwhywealwayscallherLittleMother——willnotjoinustillthingsaremoreship—shape。Shedoesnotliketobethoughtaninvalid，andifwehaveheraboutanywherenearworkthathastobedone，andarenotalwayswatchingher，shegetsatitandtiresherself。"
"Iamgladwearegoingtobeneighbours，"saidMissJanie。"Therearetenofusaltogether。Father，Iamsure，youwilllike；clevermenalwayslikefather。Mother’sdayisFriday。Asaruleitistheonlydaynooneevercalls。"Shelaughed。Thecloudhadvanished。
"Theycomeonotherdaysandfindusallinouroldclothes。OnFridayafternoonwesitinstateandnobodycomesnearus，andwehavetoeatthecakesourselves。Itmakeshersocross。YouwilltryandrememberFridays，won’tyou？"
Imadeanoteofitthenandthere。
"Iamtheeldest，"shecontinued，"asIthinkfathertoldyou。HarryandJackcamenext；butJackisinCanadaandHarrydied，sothereissomewhatofagapbetweenmeandtherest。BertieistwelveandTedeleven；theyarehomejustnowfortheholidays。Sallyiseight，andthentherecomethetwins。Peopledon’thalfbelievethetalesthataretoldabouttwins，butIamsurethereisnoneedtoexaggerate。
Theyareonlysix，buttheyhaveasenseofhumouryouwouldhardlycredit。Oneisaboy，andtheotheragirl。Theyarealwayschangingclothes，andweareneverquitesurewhichiswhich。
WilfridgetssenttobedbecauseWinniehasnotpractisedherscales，andWinnieisgivensyrupofsquillsbecauseWilfriedhasbeeneatinggreengooseberries。LastspringWinniehadthemeasles。Whenthedoctorcameonthefifthdayhewasaspleasedaspunch；hesaiditwasthequickestcurehehadeverknown，andthatreallytherewasnoreasonwhyshemightnotgetup。Wehadoursuspicions，andtheywereright。Winniewashidinginthecupboard，wrappedupinablanket。Theydon’tseemtomindwhattroubletheygetinto，provideditisn’ttheirown。Theonlysafeplan，unlessyouhappentocatchthemred—handed，istodividethepunishmentbetweenthem，andleavethemtosettleaccountsbetweenthemselvesafterwards。
Algyisfour；tilllastyearhewasalwayscalledthebaby。Now，ofcourse，thereisnoexcuse；butthenamestillclingstohiminspiteofhisindignantprotestations。Fathercalledupstairstohimtheotherday：’Baby，bringmedownmygaiters。’Hewalkedstraightuptothecradleandwokeupthebaby。’Getup，’Iheardhimsay——Iwasjustoutsidethedoor——’andtakeyourfatherdownhisgaiters。Don’tyouhearhimcallingyou？’Heisadrolllittlefellow。FathertookhimtoOxfordlastSaturday。Heissmallforhisage。Theticket—
collector，quitecontented，threwhimaglance，andmerelyasamatterofformaskedifhewasunderthree。’No，’heshoutedbeforefathercouldreply；’I’sistsonbeinghonest。I’sefour。’Itisfather’spetphrase。"
"Whatviewdoyoutakeoftheexchange，"Iaskedher，"fromstockbrokingwithitslargerincometofarmingwithitssmaller？"
"Perhapsitwasselfish，"sheanswered，"butIamafraidIratherencouragedfather。Itseemstomemean，makingyourlivingoutofworkthatdoesnogoodtoanyone。Ihatethebargaining，butthefarmingitselfIlove。Ofcourse，itmeanshavingonlyoneeveningdressayearandmakingthatmyself。ButevenwhenIhadalotI
alwayspreferredwearingtheonethatIthoughtsuitedmethebest。
Asforthechildren，theyareashealthyasyoungsavages，andeverythingtheywanttomakethemhappyisjustoutsidethedoor。
Theboyswon’tgotocollege；butseeingtheywillhavetoearntheirownliving，that，perhaps，isjustaswell。Itismother，poordear，thatworriesso。"Shelaughedagain。"Herfavouritewalkistotheworkhouse。ShecamebackquiteexcitedtheotherdaybecauseshehadheardtheGuardiansintendtotrytheexperimentofbuildingseparatehousesforoldmarriedcouples。Sheisconvincedsheandfatheraregoingtoendtheirdaysthere。"
"You，asthebusinesspartner，"Iaskedher，"arehopefulthatthefarmwillpay？"
"Oh，yes，"sheanswered，"itwillpayallright——itdoespay，forthematterofthat。Weliveonitandlivecomfortably。But，ofcourse，Icanseemother’spointofview，withsevenyoungchildrentobringup。Anditisnotonlythat。"Shestoppedherselfabruptly。"Oh，well，"shecontinuedwithalaugh，"youhavegottoknowus。Fatheristrying。Helovesexperiments，andawomanhatesexperiments。
Lastyearitwasbarefeet。Idaresayitishealthier。Butchildrenwhohavebeenaboutinbarefeetallthemorning——well，itisn’tpleasantwhentheysitdowntolunch；Idon’tcarewhatyousay。Youcan’tbealwayswashing。Heissounpractical。Hewasquiteangrywithmotherandmyselfbecausewewouldn’t。Andamaninbarefeetlookssoridiculous。Thissummeritisshorthairandnohats；andSallyhadsuchprettyhair。Nextyearitwillbesabotsorturbans——
somethingorothersuggestingtheideathatwe’velatelyescapedfromafair。OnMondaysandThursdayswetalkFrench。WehavegotaFrenchnurse；andthosearetheonlydaysintheweekonwhichshedoesn’tunderstandawordthat’ssaidtoher。Wecannoneofusunderstandfather，andthatmakeshimfurious。Hewon’tsayitinEnglish；hemakesanoteofit，meaningtotellusonTuesdayorFriday，andthen，ofcourse，heforgets，andwonderswhywehaven’tdoneit。He’sthedearestfellowalive。WhenIthinkofhimasabigboy，thenheischarming，andifhereallywereonlyabigboytherearetimeswhenIwouldshakehimandfeelbetterforit。"
Shelaughedagain。Iwantedhertogoontalking，becauseherlaughwassodelightful。Butwehadreachedtheroad，andshesaidshemustgoback：thereweresomanythingsshehadtodo。
"WehavenotsettledaboutDick，"Iremindedher。
"Mothertookratheralikingtohim，"shemurmured。
"IfDickcouldmakealiving，"Isaid，"bygettingpeopletolikehim，Ishouldnotbesoanxiousabouthisfuture——lazyyoungdevil！"
"Hehaspromisedtoworkhardifyoulethimtakeupfarming，"saidMissJanie。
"Hehasbeentalkingtoyou？"Isaid。
Sheadmittedit。
"Hewillbeginwell，"Isaid。"Iknowhim。Inamonthhewillhavetiredofit，andbeclamouringtodosomethingelse。"
"Ishallbeverydisappointedinhimifhedoes，"shesaid。
"Iwilltellhimthat，"Isaid，"itmayhelp。Peopledon’tlikeotherpeopletobedisappointedinthem。"
"Iwouldratheryoudidn’t，"shesaid。"Youcouldsaythatfatherwillbedisappointedinhim。Fatherformedratheragoodopinionofhim，Iknow。"
"Iwilltellhim，"Isuggested，"thatweshallallbedisappointedinhim。"
Sheagreedtothat，andweparted。Iremembered，whenshewasgone，thatafterallwehadnotsettledterms。
Dickovertookmealittlewayfromhome。
"Ihavesettledyourbusiness，"Itoldhim。
"It’sawfullygoodofyou，"saidDick。
"Mind，"Icontinued，"it’sontheunderstandingthatyouthrowyourselfintothethingandworkhard。Ifyoudon’t，Ishallbedisappointedinyou，Itellyousofrankly。"
"That’sallright，governor，"heansweredcheerfully。"Don’tyouworry。"
"Mr。St。Leonardwillalsobedisappointedinyou，Dick，"Iinformedhim。"Hehasformedaveryhighopinionofyou。Don’tgivehimcausetochangeit。"
"I’llgetonallrightwithhim，"answeredDick。"Jollyoldduffer，ain’the？"
"MissJaniewillalsobedisappointedinyou，"Iadded。
"Didshesaythat？"heasked。
"Shementioneditcasually，"Iexplained："thoughnowIcometothinkofitsheaskedmenottosayso。Whatshewantedmetoimpressuponyouwasthatherfatherwouldbedisappointedinyou。"
Dickwalkedbesidemeinsilenceforawhile。
"SorryI’vebeenaworrytoyou，dad，"hesaidatlast"Gladtohearyousayso，"Ireplied。
"I’mgoingtoturnoveranewleaf，dad，"hesaid。"I’mgoingtoworkhard。"
"Abouttime，"Isaid。
CHAPTERVI
Wehadcoldbaconforlunchthatday。Therewasnotmuchofit。I
tookittobethebaconwehadnoteatenforbreakfast。Butonacleandishwithparsleyitlookedratherneat。Itdidnotsuggest，however，alunchforfourpeople，twoofwhomhadbeenoutallthemorningintheopenair。TherewassomeexcuseforDick。
"Ineverheardbefore，"saidDick，"ofcoldfriedbaconasahorsd’oeuvre。"
"Itisnotahorsd’oeuvre，"explainedRobina。"Itisallthereisforlunch。"Shespokeinthequiet，passionlessvoiceofonewhohasdonewithallhumanemotion。Sheaddedthatsheshouldnotberequiringanyherself，shehavinglunchedalready。
Veronica，conveyingbyhertoneandbearingtheimpressionofsomethingmidwaybetweenaperfectladyandaChristianmartyr，observedthatshealsohadlunched。
"WishIhad，"growledDick。
Igavehimawarningkick。Icouldseehewasonthewaytogettinghimselfintotrouble。AsIexplainedtohimafterwards，awomanismostdangerouswhenathermeekest。Aman，whenhefeelshistemperrising，takeseveryopportunityoflettingitescape。Troubleatsuchtimeshewelcomes。Abrokenboot—lace，orashirtwithoutabutton，istohimthenaswaterinthedesert。Anonlycollar—studthatwilldisappearasifbymagicfrombetweenhisthumbandfingerandvanishapparentlyintothinairisapieceofgoodfortunesentontheseoccasionsonlytothosewhomthegodslove。Bythetimehehaswaddledonhishandsandkneestwiceroundtheroom，brokentheboot—jackrakingwithitunderneaththewardrobe，beenbumpedandslappedandkickedbyeverypieceoffurniturethattheroomcontains，andendedupbysteppingonthatstudandtreadingitflat，hehasnotabitteroranangrythoughtleftinhim。Allthatremainsofhimissweetandpeaceful。Hefastenshiscollarwithasafety—pin，humminganoldsongthewhile。
FailingthegiftsofProvidence，thechildren——ifinhealth——cangenerallybedependedupontoaffordhimanopening。Soonerorlateroneoranotherofthemwilldosomethingthatnochild，whenhewasaboy，wouldhavedared——ordreamedofdaring——toevensomuchasthinkofdoing。Thechild，conveyingbyexpressionthattheworld，itisgladtosay，isslowlybutsteadilygrowinginsense，andpityitisthatold—fashionedfolkscan’tbustleupandkeepabreastofit，pointsoutthatfirstlyithasnotdonethisthing，thatforvariousreasons——afewonlyofwhichneedbedweltupon——itisimpossibleitcouldhavedonethisthing；thatsecondlyithasbeenexpresslyrequestedtodothisthing，thatwishfulalwaystogivesatisfaction，ithas——atsacrificeofallitsownideas——goneoutofitswaytodothisthing；thatthirdlyitcan’thelpdoingthisthing，striveagainstfateasitwill。
Hesayshedoesnotwanttohearwhatthechildhasgottosayonthesubject——noronanyothersubject，neitherthennoratanyothertime。Hesaysthere’sgoingtobeanewdepartureinthishouse，andthatthingsallroundaregoingtobeverydifferent。Hesuddenlyrememberseveryruleandregulationhehasmadeduringthepasttenyearsfortheguidanceofeverybody，andthateverybody，himselfincluded，hasforgotten。Hetriestotalkaboutthemallatonce，inhastelestheshouldforgetthemagain。Bythetimehehassucceededingettinghimself，ifnobodyelse，tounderstandhimself，thechildrenareswarmingroundhiskneesextractingfromhimpromisesthatinhissobermomentshewillbesorrythathemade。
Iknewawoman——awiseandgoodwomanshewas——whowhenshenoticedthatherhusband’stemperwascausinghimannoyance，tookpainstohelphimtogetridofit。TorelievehissufferingsIhaveknownhersearchthehouseforalastmonth’smorningpaperand，ironingitsmooth，layitwarmandneatlyfoldedonhisbreakfastplate。
"Onethinginthisworldtobethankfulfor，atallevents，andthatisthatwedon’tliveinDitchley—in—the—Marsh，"hewouldgrowltenminuteslaterfromtheothersideofit。
"Soundsabitdamp，"thegoodwomanwouldreply。
"Damp！"hewouldgrunt，"whomindsabitofdamp！Goodforyou。
MakesusEnglishmenwhatweare。Beingmurderedinone’sbedaboutonceaweekiswhatIshouldobjectto。"
"Dotheydomuchofthatsortofthingdownthere？"thegoodwomanwouldenquire。
"Seemstobethechiefindustryoftheplace。Doyoumeantosayyoudon’trememberthatoldmaidenladybeingmurderedbyherowngardenerandburiedinthefowl—run？Youwomen！youtakenointerestinpublicaffairs。"
"Idoremembersomethingaboutit，nowyoumentionit，dear，"thegoodwomanwouldconfess。"Alwaysseemssuchaninnocenttypeofman，agardener。"
"SeemstobeaspecialbreedofthematDitchley—in—the—Marsh，"heanswers。"HereagainlastMonday，"hecontinues，readingwithgrowinginterest。"Almostthesamecase——eventothepruningknife。
Yes，hangedifhedoesn’t！——buriesherinthefowl—run。Thisismostextraordinary。"
"Itmustbetheimitativeinstinctassertingitself，"suggeststhegoodwoman。"Asyou，dear，havesooftenpointedout，onecrimemakesanother。"
"Ihavealwayssaidso，"heagrees；"ithasalwaysbeenatheoryofmine。"
Hefoldsthepaperover。"Dulldogs，thesepoliticalchaps！"hesays。"Here’stheDukeofDevonshire，speakinglastnightatHackney，beginsbytellingafunnystoryhesayshehasjustheardaboutaparrot。Why，it’sthesamestorysomebodytoldamonthago；
Irememberreadingit。Yes——uponmysoul——wordforword，I’dsweartoit。Showsyouthesortofmenwe’regovernedby。"
"Youcan’texpecteveryone，dear，topossessyourrepertoire，"thegoodwomanremarks。
"Needn’tsayhe’sjusthearditthatafternoon，anyhow，"respondsthegoodman。
Heturnstoanothercolumn。"Whatthedevil！AmIgoingoffmyhead？"Hepouncesontheeldestboy。"WhenwastheOxfordandCambridgeBoat—race？"hefiercelydemands。
"TheOxfordandCambridgeBoat—race！"repeatstheastonishedyouth。
"Why，it’sover。Youtookusalltoseeit，lastmonth。TheSaturdaybefore——"
Theconversationforthenexttenminutesheconductshimself，unaided。Attheendheistired，maybeatriflehoarse。Butallhisbadtemperisgone。Hissorrowistherewasnotsufficientofit。
Hecouldhavedonewithmore。
Womanknowsnothingofsimplemechanics。Awomanthinksyoucangetridofsteambyboxingitupandsittingonthesafety—valve。
"FeelingasIdothismorning，thatI’dliketowringeverybody’sneckforthem，"theaveragewomanarguestoherself；"mypropercourse——Iseeitclearly——istocreepaboutthehouse，askingofeveryonethathasthetimetosparetotrampleonme。"
Shecoaxesyoutotellherofherfaults。Whenyouhavefinishedsheasksformore——remindsyouofoneortwoyouhadmissedout。Shewonderswhyitisthatsheisalwayswrong。Theremustbeareasonforit；ifonlyshecoulddiscoverit。Shewondershowitisthatpeoplecanputupwithher——thinksitsogoodofthem。
Atlast，ofcourse，theexplosionhappens。Theawkwardthingisthatneithersheherselfnoranyoneelseknowswhenitiscoming。A
husbandcorneredmeoneeveningintheclub。Itevidentlydidhimgoodtotalk。Hetoldmethat，findinghiswifethatmorninginoneofherrarelisteningmoods，hehadseizedtheopportunitytomentiononeortwomattersinconnectionwiththehousehewouldliketohavealtered；thatwas，ifshehadnoobjection。Shehad——quitepleasantly——remindedhimthehousewashis，thathewasmasterthere。
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