Itistheheterogeneouscharacterofthebuildingsdowntownthatrendersourstreetssohideous。Farfromseekingharmony，buildersseemtobetryingto"go"eachother"onestorybetter"；iftheycanbelittleaneighborintheprocessitiscleargain，andsomuchadvertisement。CertainblocksonlowerBroadwayaregemsinthisway！Anyonewhohasglancedatanauctioneer’sshelveswhena"joblot"ofbooksisbeingsold，willdoubtlesshavenoticedtheirresemblancetothesidewalksofourdowntownstreets。Daintylittleduodecimobuildingsaresqueezedinbetweentoweringin—

folios，andrichlyboundandtooledoctavoschumwithcheapeditions。OurcarelessCityFathershavenotevengiventhemselvesthetroubleofpushingtheirstoneandbrickvolumesintothesameline，butallowthemtostragglealongtheshelf—Ibegpardon，thesidewalk—accordingtotheirownsweetwill。

Theresemblanceofmostnewbusinessbuildingstoflashybooksincreasesthemoreonestudiesthem；theyhavetheproportionsofschoolatlases，and，likethem，areadornedonlyontheirbacks（readfronts）。Themodernbuilder，likethefrugalbinder，leavesthesidesofhiscreationsunadorned，andexpendshisingenuityindecoratingthenarrowstripwhichhenaivelyimagineswillbetheonlypartseen，calmlyignoringthefactthatonglancingupordownastreetthesidesofhousesarewhatweseefirst。Itisalmostimpossibletogetmathematicallyoppositeabuilding，yetthatistheonlypointfromwhichthesenewconstructionsarenotgrotesque。

Itseemsasthoughtherudimentsofcommonsensewouldsuggestthatunderexistingcircumstancesthelessdecorationputonafacadethegreaterwouldbetheharmonyofthewhole。Buttrifleslikeharmonyandfitnessaresplendidlyignoredbythearchitectsofto—day，who，beitremarkedinpassing，haveslippedintoanothercurioushabitforwhichIshouldgreatlyliketoseeanexplanationoffered。Aslongasthegroundfloorsandthetopsoftheircreationsareelaborate，thedesignerevidentlythinkstheinterveningtwelveorfifteenstoriescanshiftforthemselves。OneclumsymassontheBowlingGreenisanexcellentexampleofthisweakness。ItsgroundfloorisaplayfulreproductionofthetombsofEgypt。

Aboutthesecondstorythearchitectmusthavebecomediscouraged—orperhapstheowner’sfundsgaveout—forthenextdozenfloorsaretreatedintheseverest"tenementhouse"

manner；then，ashisbuildingterminateswellupinthesky，atopfloorortwoare，fornoapparentreason，elaboratelyadorned。Indeed，thisdesireforabrilliantfinishpervadestheneighborhood。TheJohnsonBuildingonBroadStreet（tochooseoneoutofthemany）issoberanddiscreetindesignforadozenstories，butburstsatitstopintoaByzantinecolonnade。Why？oneasksinwonder。

Anothernew—comer，cornerofWallandNassauStreets，isacommonplacestructure，withafairlygoodcornice，ontopofwhich—anafterthought，probably—aminiatureStateCapitolhasbeenadded，withdomeandcolonnadecomplete。Theresultrecallsdear，absent—mindedMissMatty（inMrs。Gaskell’scharmingstory），whensheputherbestcapontopofanoldoneandsatsmilingathervisitorsfromunderthedoubleheaddress！

Nowhereintheworld—noteveninMoscow，thatcityofdomes—canoneseesuchacollectionofpagodas，cupolas，kiosks，andturretsasgracetheroofsofourofficebuildings！

Architectsevidentlylookuponsuchadornmentsascompensations！Themorehideousthestructure，thefineritsdome！Havingperpetratedablotuponthecitythatcriestoheaveninitsenormity，therepentantowneraddsapagodaortwo，muchinthesamespirit，doubtless，aspromptsanItalianpeasanttohangavotiveheartonsomefriendlyshrinewhenacrimeliesheavyonhisconscience。

Whatwouldbethoughtofabook—collectorwhotooktostandinginkstandsorpepperboxesonthetopsofhistallestvolumesbywayofadornment？Yetdomesonbusinessbuildingsareeverybitasappropriate。AchoicecollectionofthosemonstrositiesgracesParkRow，onemuch—gildedoffendervaryingthemonotonybylookinglikeayellowstopperinahigh—shoulderedbottle！HowmodernarchitectswiththeexquisiteCityHallbeforethemcouldhavewanderedsofarafieldintheirsearchfortheoriginalmustalwaysremainamystery。

Whenatall，thinbuildinghappenstostandonacorner，thelikenesstoanatlasisreplacedbyagrotesqueresemblancetoawaffleiron，ofwhichonestructurejustfinishedonRectorStreetskilfullyreproduces’thelines。Therowsoflittlewindowswereevidentlyarrangedtoimitatetheindentationsonthathumbleutensil，andtheelevatedroadatthebackseemsinthiscasetododutyasthehandle。Mrs。VanRensselaertellsusinherdelightfulGOEDEVROUWOFMANA—HA—TAthatwaffleironsusedtobeafavoriteweddingpresentamongtheDutchsettlersofthisisland，andwereadornedwithmonogramsandotherdevices，soperhapsitisatavismthatmakesussofondofthisforminbuilding！As，however，nocarefulHAUSFRAUwouldhavestoodherirononitsedge，architectsshouldhesitatebeforeplacingtheirbuildingsinthatposition，astheimpressionofinstabilityisthesameineachcase。

AfterleavingthevicinityoftheCityHall，thetallslabsthatlikemagnifiedmilestonesmarktheprogressofArchitectureupBroadwaybecomeashadelessobjectionable，althoughonemeetssomestrangefreaksinso—calleddecorationbytheway。Why，forinstance，werethoseTitancolumnsgroupedaroundtheentrancetotheAmericanSuretyCompany’sbuilding？Theydonotsupportanything（the"business"ofcolumnsinarchitecture）exceptsomeratherfeeblestatuary，anddoseriouslyblocktheentrance。Weretheyaddedwiththeideaoffitness？Thatcanhardlybe，foraporticoisasinappropriatetosuchabuildingasitwouldbetoaparlorcar，andalmostasinconvenient。

Fartheruptownourattentionisarrestedbyanothermisplacedadornment。WhatpurposecanthattombwitharailingrounditserveontopoftheNewYorkLifeInsurancebuilding？ItlookslikeamonumentinGreenwood，surmountedbyarat—trap，butnooneisinterredthere，andvermincanhardlybetroublesomeatthataltitude。

Howdidthiscrazefordecorationoriginate？TheinhabitantsofFlorenceandAthensdidnotconsideritnecessary。Theremust，Ifeelsure，beareasonforitsuseinthiscity；

Americanland—lordsrarelyspendmoneywithoutapurpose；

perhapstheyfindthatrococodetaildrawsbusinessandinspiresconfidence！

IshouldliketoaskthearchitectsofNewYorkonequestion：

Havetheynotbeentaughtthatintheirart，asineveryother，pretencesarevulgar，thatthingsshouldbewhattheyseem？Thenwhydotheycontinuetohidesteelandfire—brickcagesunderaveneerofgranitesixinchesthick，causingthemtoposeassolidstonebuildings？Ifthereisademandfortall，lightstructures，whynotbuildthemsimply（asbridgesareconstructed），andnotaddapoulticeofboguscolumnsandzinccornicesthatservenopurposeanddeceivenoone？

UnionSquarepossessesblocksoutofwhichtheJacksonandDeckerbuildingsspringwithanobledisregardofallrulesandadeliciousincongruitythatremindsoneofFalstaff’scorpsofill—drilledsoldiers。MadisonSquare，however，isFACILEPRINCEPS，withitsannextotheHoffmanHouse，abuildingwhichwouldmakethefortuneofanydimemuseumthatcouldfenceitinandshowitforafee！Longcontemplationofthisstructurefrommystudywindowhasprintedeverycomicdetailonmybrain。ItstartsoffatthegroundleveltobeanimitationoftheDoge’sPalace（aneatandappropriateideainitselfforaBroadwayshop）。Atthesecondstory，followingtheusualNewYorkmethod，itrevertstoadesignsuggestiveofacountyjail（thePalaceandthePrison），withhereandthereabalconyhungout，emblematical，doubtless，oftheinmates’washandbedding。AttheninthfloortherepentantarchitectaddstwomorestoriesinmemoryoftheDoge’sresidence。Haveyoueverseenanaccordion（concertina，Ibelieve，isthecorrectname）hanginginashopwindow？TheTwenty—fifthStreetDoge’sPalaceremindsmeofthathumbleinstrument。Thewoodenpart，wherethekeysandroundholesare，standsonthesidewalk。Thencomeanindefinitenumberofpleats，andfinallytheotherwoodenendwellupamongtheclouds。Sostrikingisthisresemblancethatattimesoneexpectstohearthelong—drawnmoanspeculiartotheconcertinaissuingfromthoseportals。Alas！

eventhemostoriginaldesignshavetheirdrawbacks！AftertheproprietoroftheVenetianaccordionhadgothisinstrumentwelldrawnoutandbalancedonitsend，heperceivedthatitdwarfedtheadjacentbuildings，socastaboutinhismindforaschemetoaddheightanddignitytotherestoftheblock。Onedaytheastonishedneighborhoodsawwhatappearedtobea"roomysuburbanvilla"ofironrisingontheroofoftheoldHoffmanHouse。Theresultssuggestsasmallmanwho，beingobligedtowalkwithagiant，hadputonahatseveraltimestoolargeinordertoequalizetheirheights！

HowastonishedPericlesandhiscircleofarchitectsandsculptorswouldbecouldtheystandonthecornerofBroadwayandTwenty—eighthStreetandseetheminiatureParthenonthatgracestheroofofapileinnocentofotherGreekornament？

Theywouldalsorecognizetheiroldfriends，theladiesoftheErechtheum，doingdutyontheReveillonBuildingacrosstheway，pretendingtoholdupacornice，which，beinginproportiontothebuilding，isseveralhundredtimestoobigforthemtocarry。Theycan’tbeseenfromthesidewalk，—

thestreetistoonarrowforthat，—butsuchtriflesdon’tdeterbuildersfromdecoratingwhenthefitisonthem。

Perhapsthisonegothiscaryatidesatabargain，andhadtoworktheminsomewhere；soitisnotfairtobehardonhim。

Ifeverwetaketoballooning，alltheseelaboratetopsmayaddmateriallytoourpleasure。Atthepresentmomentthebirds，andangels，itistobehoped，appreciatetheeffort。

I，perhaps，ofalltheinhabitantsofthecity，haveseenthoseladiesfacetoface，whenIhavegoneonasemi—monthlyvisittomyrooftolookforleaks！

"It’sallverywelltocarpandcavil，"manyreaderswillsay，"but`Idler’forgetsthatourmodernarchitectshavehadtocontendwithdifficultiesthatthedesignersofotheragesneverfaced，demandsforspaceandlightforcingthenineteenth—centurybuilderstoproducestructureswhichtheyknowareneithergracefulnorinproportion！"

Ifmyreaderswillgivethemselvesthetroubletoglanceatseveralofficebuildingsinthecity，theywillrealizethattheproblemisnotwithoutasolution。Inalmosteverycasewherethearchitecthasrefrainedfromuselessdecorationandstucktosimplelines，theresult，ifnotbeautiful，hasatleastbeeninoffensive。Itiswhereinappropriateelaborationisaddedthattasteisoffended。SuchstructuresastheSingerbuilding，cornerofLibertyStreetandBroadway，andthehomeofLIFE，inThirty—firstStreet，provethatbeautyandgraceoffacadecanbeadaptedtomodernbusinesswants。

FeelingasmanyNewYorkersdoaboutthisdefacingofwhatmighthavebeenthemostbeautifulofmoderncities，itisgallingtobecalledupontoadmirewhereitisalreadyanefforttotolerate。

Asprightlygentleman，writingrecentlyinascientificweekly，goesintoecstasiesofadmirationovertheadvantagesandbeautyofasteelmastodononParkRow，abuildingthathastheproportionsofacarpenter’splanestoodonend，decoratedhereandtherewithbalconiesandacolonnadeperchedonbracketsuptowarditsfifteenthstory。Hecomplacentlygivesusitsweightandheightascomparedwiththepyramids，andnumerousotherdetailsastofloorspaceandventilation，andhintsinconclusionthatonlyoldfogiesanddullards，unabletokeeppacewiththetimes，failtoappreciatethecharmofsuchstructuresinacity。Oneofthe"points"thiswritermakesisthequalityofairenjoyedbytenants，amusinglyobliviousofthefactthatatleastthreefacadesofeachtallbuildingwillseethedayonlysolongastheproprietorsofadjacentlandaretoopoorortoobusytoconstructsimilarcolossi！

Whenallthebuildingsinablockarethesameheight，seveneighthsoftheroomsineachwillbewithoutlightorventilation。It’sratherpoortastetobragofadvantagesthatareenjoyedonlythroughthegenerosityofone’sneighbors。

Businessdemandsmayforceustobowbeforethenecessityofthesehorrors，butitcertainlyis"rubbingitin"toaskourapplause。WhentheEiffelTowerwasincourseofconstruction，theartistsandliterarylightsofParisraisedatempestofprotest。Onewonderswhysolittleofthekindhasbeendonehere。Itisperhapsratherlateinthedaytosuggestreform，yetifmoreNewYorkerswouldinterestthemselvesinthework，muchmightstillbedonetomodifyandimproveourmetropolis。

Onehearswithsatisfactionthatagroupofarchitectshavelatelymetanddiscussedplansfortheembellishmentofourneglectedcity。Thereisacertainpoeticaljusticeinthepropositioncomingfromthosewhohaveworkedsomuchoftheharm。Remorsehasbeforenowbeenknowntoproducegoodresults。TheUnitedStatestreasuryyearlyreceiveslargesumsof"consciencemoney。"

Chapter7—WorldlyColor—BlindnessMYRIADSofpeoplehavenoearformusicandderivebutlittlepleasurefromsweetsounds。Strangeasitmayappear，manygiftedandsensitivemortalshavebeenunabletodistinguishonenotefromanother，Apollo’sharmoniousartremainingforthem，asfortheelderDumas，onlyan"expensivenoise。"

Anotherlargeclassfinditimpossibletodiscriminatebetweencolors。Menafflictedinthiswayhaveevenbecomepaintersofreputation。Iknewoneofthelatter，who，whenafriendcomplimentedhimonhavingcaughttheexactshadeofapinktoiletinoneofhisportraits，answered，"Doesthatdresslookpinktoyou？Ithoughtitwasgreen！"andyethehadcopiedwhathesawcorrectly。

Boththeseclassesaretobepitied，butarenotthecauseofmuchsufferingtoothers。Itisannoying，Igrantyou，tobetornasunderinacollision，becauseredandgreenlightsontheswitchescombinedintoapleasingharmonybeforethebrakeman’seyes。Thetone—deafgentlemanwhoinsistsonwhistlingapopularmelodyisalmostastryingastheladysufferingfromthesameweakness，whoshouts，"Ninon，Ninon，quefais—tudelavie！"untilyoufeelimpelledtocry，"Quefaites—vous，madame，withthekey？"

Examinationsnowkeepdaltonicgentlemenoutoflocomotives，andladieswhohavelosttheir"keys"areapttofindtheirfriends’pianosclosed。WhatwecannotguardagainstisavarietyofthegenusHOMOwhichsuffersfrom"socialcolor—

blindness。"Thesewell—meaningmortalsformoneofthehardesttrialsthatsocietyisheirto；forthediseaseisincurable，andasitisalmostimpossibletoescapefromthem，theycontinuetospreaddismayandconfusionalongtheirpathtothebitterend。

Thismalady，which，asfarasIknow，hasnotbeendiagnosed，invadesallcircles，andis，curiouslyenough，rampantamongwell—bornandapparentlywell—bredpeople。

Whyisitthattheentertainmentsatcertainhousesarealwaysdullfailures，whileacrossthewayoneenjoyssuchagreeableevenings？Bothhostsaregentlemen，enjoyingaboutthesameamountof"unearnedincrement，"yettheatmosphereoftheirhousesisradicallydifferent。Thiscontrastcannotbetracedtothedulnessorbrilliancyoftheentertainerandhiswife。

Neithercanitbelaidatthedoorofinexperience，fortheworstoffendersareoftenoldhandsatthegame。

Theonlyexplanationpossibleisthattheownersofhouseswhereoneisboredaresociallycolor—blind，ascheerfullyunconsciousoftheirweaknessasthekeylessladyandthewhistlingabomination。

Sinceincreasingwealthhasmadeentertaininggeneralandlavish，thismaladyhasbecomemoreandmoreapparent，untiloneistemptedtoparodyMme。Roland’sdyingexclamationandcry，"Hospitality！hospitility！whatcrimesarecommittedinthyname！"

Entertainingisformanypeoplebutanexcuseforostentation。

Forothersitisameanstoanend；whileathirdvarietyapparentlykeepadebitandcreditaccountwiththeiracquaintances—inbooksofdoubleentry，sothatnoerrorsmayoccur—andissueinvitationslikereceipts，onlyinreturnforvaluereceived。

Wecanrarelytellwhatispassinginthemindsofpeopleaboutus。Someofthosementionedabovemayfeelavaguepleasurewhentheirroomsarefilledwithachatteringcrowdofmoreorlesswell—assortedguests；ifthatisdeniedthem，canfindconsolationfortheoutlayinanindefinitesensationofhavingperformedaduty，—whatduty，ortowhom，theywould，however，finditdifficulttodefine。

Letthenovicefleefromtheallurementsofsuchahost。Oldhandsknowhimandhavegothimontheirlist，escapingwhenescapeispossible；forhewillmatethegreenyouthwiththeredfrump，orlikeaprematuremillenniumforcethelionandthelambtoliedowntogether，andimaginehehasgivenunmixedpleasuretoboth。

Onewouldexpectthatgreatworldlylightsmightlearnbyexperiencehowfatalbungledentertainmentscanbe，butsuchisnotthecase。Manywell—intentionedpeoplecontinuesacrificingtheirfriendsonthealtarofhospitalityyearafteryearwithneveraqualmofconscienceorasensationofpityfortheirvictims。Onepracticalladyofmyacquaintanceasksherguestsalphabetically，commencingtheseasonandthefirstleafofhervisitinglistsimultaneouslyandworkingsteadilyonthroughbothto"finis。"IfyouareanA，youwillmeetonlyA’sathertable，withperhapsoneortwoB’sthrownintofillup；youmaysitnexttoyourmother—in—lawforallthehostesscares。Shehasprobablyneverheardthatthenumberofguestsattableshouldnotexceedthatofthemuses；orifbyanychanceshehasheardit，doesnotcare，andconsiderssucharuleold—fashionedandnotappropriatetoourimprovedmodernmethodsofentertaining。

Onewonderswhatpossiblesatisfactionahostcanderivefromprovidingfiftypeoplewithunwholesomefoodanddrinkatafixeddate。Itisaphysicalimpossibilityforhimtohavemorethanapassingwordwithhisguests，andtentoonetheunaccustomednumberhasupsettheinternalarrangementsofhishousehold，sothatthedinnerwill，inconsequence，bepoorandtheservicedefective。

Aside—lightonthisquestioncametomerecentlywhenanexceedinglyfrankhusbandconfidedtoacircleofhisfriendsattheclubtheschemehiswife，who，thoughonpleasurebent，wasofafrugalmind，hadadoptedtobalancehersocialledger。

"Aswedineoutconstantlythroughtheyear，"remarkedBenedict，"somereturnisnecessary。Sowewaituntiltheheightofthewinterseason，wheneverybodyisengagedtwoweeksinadvance，thensendoutourinvitationsatrathershortnoticefortwoorthreeconsecutivedinners。You’dbesurprised，"heremarked，withabeamingsmile，"whatanumberrefuse；lastwinterwecancelledallourobligationswithtwodinners，theflowersandentreesbeingasfreshonthesecondeveningasthefirst！It’swonderful！"heremarkedinconclusion，"howsimpleentertainingbecomeswhenoneknowshow！"WhichremindedmeofaningeniousyouthIonceheardtellingsomefriendshoweasyhehadfoundittowritethebookhehadjustpublished。Afterhisdepartureweagreedthatifhefounditsoeasyitwouldnotbeworthourwhiletoreadhisvolume。

Tender—heartedpeoplegenerallymakebadhosts。Theyhaveawayofcollectingthemorallylame，halt，andblindintotheirdrawing—roomsthatgivesthoseapartmentstheairofaconvalescenthome。Themomentacouplehaveplacedthemselvesbeyondthesocialpale，thesepurblindhostsconceiveanaffectionforandlavishhospitalityuponthem。Ifsuchahosthasbeenfortunateenoughtogettogetheracircleofhealthypeople，youmayfeelconfidentthatatthelastmomentaleperwillbeintroduced。Thisclassofentertainersfailtoseethatsocietycannotherunonaphilanthropicbasis，andsoinsistonturningtheirsalonsintohospitals。

Itwouldtaketoolongtoenumeratethethousandidiosyncrasiesofthecolor—blind；few，however，aremoreamusingthanthoseoftheimpulsivegentlemenwhoinvitepeopletotheirhomesindiscriminately，becausetheyhappentofeelinagoodhumororchancetobeseatednextthematanotherhouse，—invitationswhichthehostregretshalfanhourlater，andwouldwillinglyrecall。"Ican’tthinkwhyI

askedtheSo—and—sos！"hewillconfidetoyou。"Ican’tabidethem；theyareasdullasthedropsy！"ManyyearsagoinParis，weusedtocallacertainhospitablelady’sinvitations"souptickets，"solittleindividualitydidtheypossess。

Thesubtlelawsofmoralprecedencearedifficultreadingforthemostintelligent，andthereforeremainsealedbookstotheafflictedmortalsmentionedhere。Thedelicatetactthat，withnoapparenteffort，combinescongenialelementsintoadelightfulwholeislackingintheircomposition。Thenicediscriminationthatpresidesoversomehouseholdsisreplacedbyajovialindifferencetootherpersons’feelingsandprejudices。

TheideaofplacingprettyMissDebutantenextyoungStrongboysinsteadofgivingheroverintotheclutchesofoldMr。Boremorewillneverentertheseobtuseentertainers’

heads，anymorethanthatoftryingtokeeppoor，defencelessMrs。MouseoutofyoungTomCat’sclaws。

Itisuselesstoenumerateinstances；peoplehavesufferedtooseverelyatthehandsofcarelessandincompetenthostsnottoknowprettywellwhatthetitleofthispapermeans。Somanyofushavecomeawayfromfruitlessevenings，grindingourteeth，andvowingnevertoenterthosedoorsagainwhilelifelasts，thatthetimeseemsripeforaprotest。

Ifthecolor—blindwouldonlyrefrainfrompainting，andthetone—deafnotinsistoninvitingonetotheirconcerts，theworldwouldbeamuchmoreagreeableplace。Ifpeoplewouldonlylearnwhattheycanandwhattheycan’tdo，andleavethelatterfeatsalone，avastamountofunnecessaryannoyancewouldbeavoidedandthetiresomeoldgrindstoneturntoamorecheerfultune。

Chapter8—IdlinginMid—OceanTOthosefortunatemortalsfromwhomPoseidonexactsnotributeincrossinghisbroaddomain，atransatlanticvoyagemustaffordeachyearanevernewdelight。Thecaresandworriesofexistencefadeawayanddisappearincompanywiththeland，inthedeepbosomoftheoceanburied。Onenolongerfeelsliketheboredmortalwhohasallwinterturnedthemillstoneofworkandpleasure，butseemstohavetransmigratedintoanewbody，endowedwitharavenousappetiteandperfectlyfreshsensations。

Perhapsitisonlythenoveltyofthesurroundings；butasI

liesomnolentinmychair，tuckedintoacornerofthewhitedeck，watchingthejade—coloredwaterrushpastbelow，andthesea—gullscirclegaylyoverhead，theSUMMUMBONUMofearthlycontentmentseemsattained。Thebookchosenwithcareremainsuncut；thesenseofphysicalandmentalrestistooexquisitetobebrokenbyanyeffort，eventhereadingofafavoriteauthor。

Drowsylapsesintounconsciousnessobscurethesenses，likethetransparentcloudsthatfromtimetotimedimthesunlight。Adistantbellinthewheel—housechimesthelazyhalf—hours。Groupsofpeoplecomeandgolikefiguresonalantern—slide。Acuriouslydetachedreelingmakesthesceneandtheactorsinitasunrealasapaintedshipmannedbyashadowycrew。Theinevitablechildtumblesonitsfaceandispickedupshriekingbytenderparents；energeticyouthsorganizegamesofskillordiscoverwhalesonthehorizon，withoutdisturbingone’sphilosophiccalm。

Icongratulatemyselfonhavingchosenaforeignline。Foraweekatleastnofamiliarnamewillbespoken，noaccustomedfaceappear。Thegallingharnessofroutineisloosened；onebreathesfreelyagainconsciousoftheunoccupiedhoursinperspective。

Thewelcomesummonstoluncheoncomesasapleasantshock。Isitpossiblethatthemorninghaspassed？Itseemstohavebutcommenced。Irousemyselfanddescendtothecabin。TowardtheendofthemealarubicundFrenchmanoppositemakesthestartlingpropositionthatifIwishtosendamessagehomehewillundertaketohaveitdelivered。ItisnotuntilInoticethelittlesquareofoiledpaperheisholdingouttomethatIunderstandthisreferencetothe"pigeonpost"withwhichtheCompagnieTransatlantiqueisexperimenting。AttheinvitationofthisnewacquaintanceIascendtotheupperdeckandwatchhisbirdsdepart。

Thetinybitsofpaperonwhichwehavewritten（post—cardfashion）messageandaddressarerolledtwoorthreetogether，andinsertedintoapieceofquilllessthantwoincheslong，which，however，theydonotentirelyfill。Whileapigeonisheldbyoneman，anotherpushesoneofthebird’stail—

featherswellthroughthequill，whichisthenfastenedinitsplacebytwominutewoodenwedges。Amomentlaterthepigeonistossedupintotheair，andwewitnesstheworkingofthatmysteriousinstinctwhichallourmodernscienceleavesunexplained。Afteraturnortwofarupintheclearsky，thebirdgetsitsbearingsanddartsoffonitsfive—hundred—milejourneyacrossunknownseastoanunseenland—avoyagethatnodeviationorloiteringwilllengthen，andonlyfatigueoraccidentinterrupt，untilhealightsathiscote。

Fiveofthesewillingmessengerswerestartedthefirstdayout，andfivemorewillleaveto—morrow，poorlittleaerialpostmen，almostpredestinedtodestruction（inthelattercase），forweshallthenbesofarfromlandthattheironechanceoflifeandhomemustdependonfindingsomefriendlymastwhereanhour’srestmaybetakenbeforethebirdstartsagainonhisjourney。

Intwoorthreedays，accordingtotheweather，weshallbeginsendingFrenchpigeonsonaheadofustowardHavre。Thegentlemaninchargeofthemtellsmethathiswifereceivedallthemessageshesenttoherduringhiswestwardtrip，thebirdsappearingeachmorningatherwindow（whereshewasinthehabitfeedingthem）withtheirtidingsfrommid—ocean。HealsotellsmethattheFrenchfleetintheMediterraneanrecentlyreceivedmessagesfromtheircomradesintheBalticonthethirddaybythesefeatheredenvoys。

Itishopedthatinfutureoceansteamerswillbeabletokeepupcommunicationwiththelandatleastfouroutofthesevendaysoftheirtrips，sothat，incaseofdelayoraccident，theirexactpositionandcircumstancescanbemadeknownatheadquarters。Itisapity，theoriginatoroftheschemeremarked，thatsea—gullsaresuchhopelessvagabonds，fortheycanflymuchgreaterdistancesthanpigeons，andarenotaffectedbydampness，whichseriouslycripplesthepresentmessengers。

Laterinthedayacompatriot，inspireddoubtlessbythemorning’sexperiment，confidedtomethathehadhiton"agreatscheme，"whichheintendstodeveloponarriving。HisideaistodomesticatefamiliesofporpoisesatHavreandNewYork，asthatfishpassesforhaving（likethepigeon）thehominginstinct。Shipsprovidedwiththeparentfishcanfreeoneeverytwenty—fourhours，chargedwiththemorning’smail。

Theinventorofthisluminousideahasalreadydesignedtheletter—boxesthataretobestrappedonthefishes’backs，anddecidedonaneatuniformforhispostmen。

Itisamusingduringthefirstdays"out"towatchthepeoplewhomchancehasthrowntogetherintosuchclosequarters。Theoccultpowerthatimpelsapigeontoseekitskindisfeebleincomparisonwiththefacultythattravellersdevelopunderthesecircumstancesforseekingoutcongenialspirits。Twelvehoursdonotpassbeforeaffinitiesdrawtogether；whatwasapparentlyahomogeneousmasshasbythattimegroupedandarrangeditselfintothreeorfourdistinctcircles。

The"sporty"gentlemeninloudclotheshaveunitedinthebondsoffriendshipwiththetravellingagentsandhavechosenthesmoking—roomastheirheadquarters。Nomellowsunsetorserenemoonlightwilltemptthesecomradesfromthesubtletiesofpoker；thepoolontherunistheeventoftheirday。

Aportlyprimadonnaisthecentreofanothercircle。Herwraps，herdogs，heradmirers，andherbrand—newhusband（ahandsomeyoungHungarianwithavoiceliketwoBacianbulls）

fillthesitting—room，wherethepianogetsbutlittlerest。

Neithersunshinenorsoftwindscandrawthemtothedeck。

Althoughtooillfortheregularmeals，thisgroupeatanddrinkduringfifteenoutofthetwenty—fourhours。

Thedeck，however，isnotdeserted；twofashionabledressmakersrevelthere。ThesesociableladiesaskedtheCOMMISSAIREatthestart"tointroducealltheyoungunmarriedmentothem，"astheywantedtobejolly。Theyhaveanumerouscourtaroundthem，andchampagne，liketheconversation，flowsfreely。Theseladieshavealreadybecomeexpertatshuffleboard，buttheir"sealegs"arenotsogoodasmightbeexpected，andthedamesrequiretobecaughtandsupportedbytheiradmirersateachmomenttopreventthemfromtripping—animmensejoke，tojudgebythepealsoflaughterthatfollow。

TheAmericanwifeofaFrenchambassadorsitsonthecaptain’sright。AturnofthediplomaticwheelistakingtheladytoMadrid，whereherpositionwillcallforsupremetactandself—restraint。Onefeelsathrillofnationalprideonlookingatherhigh—bredyoungfaceandlisteningasshechatsinFrenchandSpanish，andwondersoncemoreatthemarvellousfacultyourwomenhaveofadaptingthemselvessograciouslyandsonaturallytodifficultpositions，whichthewomenofothernationsrarelyfillwellunlessborntothepurple。ItisthehighopinionIhaveofmycountrywomenthathasmademecavil，beforenow，onseeingthemturnedintoelaboratelydressednullitiesbyfoolishandtooadoringhusbands。

Thevoyageiswearingitselfaway。Sunnydaysaresucceededbygraymornings，asexquisiteintheirway，whenonecanfeeltheshipfightagainstcontendingwindandwave，andshiverundertheblowsreceivedinastrugglewhichdashesthesaltsprayhighoverthedecks。Thereisanaromaintheairthenthatbreathesnewlifeintojadednerves，andstirsthedropofoldNorseblood，dormantinmostAmericanveins，intoquiveringecstasy。Onedreamsofthrowingoffthetrammelsofcivilizedexistenceandreturningtothefreelifeofolderdays。

ButhereisHavreglitteringinthedistanceagainstherbackgroundofchalkcliffs。Peoplecomeondeckinstrangelyconventionalclothesandwithdemurecitifiedairs。

Passengersofwhoseexistenceyouwereunawaresuddenlymaketheirappearance。Twofriendsmeetnearmeforthefirsttime。"Hallo，Jones！"saysoneofthem，"areyoucrossing？"

"Yes，"answersJones，"areyou？"

Thecompany’stughascomealongsidebythistime，bringingitsbudgetoflettersandtelegrams。Thebriefholidayisover。Withasighonecomesbacktothepositiveandthepresent，andpatientlyresumestheharnessoflife。

Chapter9—"Climbers"inEnglandTHEexpression"LittleEnglander，"muchusedoflatetodesignateaninhabitantoftheMotherIsleincontra—

distinctiontoothersubjectsofHerMajesty，expressesneatlythefeelingofourinsularcousinsnotonlyasregardsourselves，butalsothepositionaffectedtowardtheircolonialbrothersandsisters。

Haveyouevernoticedthatineverycirclethereissomeindividualassumingtodothingsbetterthanhiscomrades—toknowmore，dressbetter，runfaster，pronouncemorecorrectly？

Who，unlesspromptlysuppressed，willturntheconversationintoamonologuerelatingtohisownexploitsandopinions。

Todifferistobringdownhiscontemptuponyourdevotedhead！Toargueistimewasted！

Humannatureis，however，soconstitutedthatamanofthistypemostlysucceedsinhypnotizinghishearersintosharinghisestimateofhimself，andimpressinguponthemtheconvictionthatheisararebeinginsteadofacommonplacemortal。Heisnotabadsortofpersonatbottom，andreadytodooneafriendlyturn—ifitdoesnotentailtoogreatinconvenience。Inshort，agoodfellow，whoseprincipaldefectistheprofoundconvictionthathewasbornsuperiortotherestofmankind。

Whatthisindividualistohisenvironment，Englishmenaretotheworldatlarge。Itisthemisfortune，notthefault，oftherestofthehumanrace，thattheyarenotnativetohisisland；afact，bytheway，whichoutsidersarerarelyallowedtolosesightof，asitentailsabecomingmodestyontheirpart。

FewidiosyncrasiesgetmorequicklyonAmericannervesorarefurtherfromourheartyattitudetowardstrangers。AswearefarfromlookinguponwanderingEnglishmenwithsuspicion，ittakesussometimetorealizethatAmericanswhocutawayfromtheircountrymenandsettlefarfromhomeareregardedwithdistrustandreluctantlyreceived。Whenafamilyofthiskindpreparestoliveintheirneighborhood，Britonshaveaformulaofthreequestionstheyaskthemselvesconcerningthenew—

comers："Whomdotheyknow？Howmucharetheyworth？"and"Whatamusement（orprofit）arewelikelytogetoutofthem？"

Iftheanswertoalloranyofthethreequeriesissatisfactory，mylordmakesthenecessaryadvancesandbecomesanagreeable，ifnotawittyororiginal，companion。

Giventhisandanumberofotherpeculiarities，itseemscuriousthatacertainclassofAmericansshouldbesoanxioustoliveinEngland。Whatisittemptsthem？Itcannotbetheclimate，forthatisvile；northecityofLondon，foritisoneoftheugliestinexistence；northeir"cuisine"—foralthoughwearenotgoodcooksourselves，weknowwhatgoodfoodisandcouldgiveBritonspoints。Neithercanitbeart，northeopera，—onefindsbothbetterathomeorontheContinentthaninEngland。Soitmustbesociety，andhereone’swonderdeepens！

WhenIhearfriendsjustbackfromastayoverthereenlargingonthecharmsof"countrylife，"oraLondon"season，"Ilookattentivelytoseeiftheyareinearnest，soincomparablydullhaveIalwaysfoundEnglishhousepartiesortownentertainments。Atleastthatsideofsocietywhichtheclimbingstrangermostlyaffects。Othercirclesarecharming，ifabitslow，andthe"Bohemia"andsemi—BohemiaofLondonhaveadelicateflavoroftheirown。

Countysociety，thatideallifesoattractivetoAmericanreadersofBritishnovels，is，takenonthewhole，themostinsipidexistenceconceivable。Thewomenlackthesparkleandcharmofours；themen，whoareoutalldayshootingorhuntingaccordingtotheseason，getbacksofaggedthatiftheydonotactuallydropasleepatthedinner—table，theywillnapimmediatelyafter，brighteningonlywhentheladieshaveretired，when，witheveningdresschangedforcomfortablesmokingsuits，thehunterscongregateinthebilliard—roomforcigarsandbrandyandseltzer。

AparticularlyagreeableAmericanwoman，whosehusbandinsistsongoingeverywintertoMelton—Mowbrayforthehunting，wasdescribingtheotherdaythelifethereamongthewomen，andexpressingherwonderthatthosewhodidnothuntcouldrefrainfromblowingouttheirbrains，soawfulwasthedulnessandmonotony！Shehadendedbynotdiningoutatall，havingdiscoveredthattheconversationneverbyanychancedeviatedfarfromthekneesofthehorsesandtheheightofthehedges！

WhichremindsoneofThackerayrelatinghowhehadlongedtoknowwhatwomentalkedaboutwhentheywerealoneafterdinner，imaginingittobeonmysteriousandthrillingsubjects，untiloneeveningheoverheardsuchaconversationandfounditturnedentirelyonchildrenandailments！Asregardswit，theEnglishareliketheOrientalpotentatewhoataballinEuropeexpressedhisastonishmentthatthegueststookthetroubletodanceandgetthemselveshotanddishevelled，explainingthatintheEasthepaidpeopletodothatforhim。InEngland"amusers"areinvitedexpresslytobefunny；anythingutteredbyoneofthesedelightfulindividualsissuretobereceivedwithmuchlaughter。Itissosimplethatway！Oneispreparedandknowswhentolaugh。

Whereasamateurwitisconfusing。WhenanAmericanIknew，turningoverthebooksonadrawing—roomtableandfindingHare’sWALKSINLONDON，intwovolumes，said，"Soyoupartyourhairinthemiddleoverhere，"theremarkwasreceivedinsilence，andwithlooksofpolitesurprise。

Itisnotnecessary，however，toaccumulateproofsthatthismuchdescribedsocietyislessintelligentthanourown。

Theirauthorshaveacknowledgedit，andwelltheymay。ForfromScottandDickensdowntoHallCaine，AmericanappreciationhasgonefartowardestablishingthereputationofEnglishwritersathome。

InspiteoflackofhumorandathousandotherdefectswhichoughttomakeEnglishswelldomantagonistictoourcountrymen，thefactremainsthat"smart"LondontemptsacertainnumberofAmericansandhasbecomeapromisedland，towardwhichtheyturnlongingeyes。Youwillalwaysfindafewofthesevotariesoverthereinthe"season，"strugglingbravelyupthesocialcurrent，makingacquaintances，spendingmoneyatcharitysales，givingdinnersandfetes，takinghousesatAscotandfillingthemwiththeirnewfriends’friends。Withmoreorlesssuccessasthenew—comershavebeenabletoreturnsatisfactoryanswerstothethreeprimaryquestions。

WhatAmericansarethese，whoforceustoblushfortheminfinitelymorethanfortheunletteredtouriststrottingconscientiouslyaroundthecountry，doingthesightsandaskingforsoda—waterandbuckwheatcakesatthehotels！

Anyonewhohasbeenanobserverofthegenus"Climber"athome，andwonderedattheirwayandcourage，willrecognizetheseambitioussoulsabroad；fiveminutes’conversationisenough。Itisneveraboutaplacethattheytalk，butofthepeopletheyknow。LondontothemisnotthecityofDickens。

ItisaplacewhereonemaymeetthePrinceofWalesandperhapsobtainanentranceintohisset。

Onedescriptionwillcovermostclimbers。Theyare，asarule，peoplewhostarthumblyinsomesmallcity，thenwhenfortunecomes，pushontoNewYorkandNewport，wheretheycarryallbeforethemandmaketheirhousescentresandthemselvespowers。Nextcomesthediscoverythatthecircleintowhichtheyhaveforcedtheirwayisnotnearlyasattractiveasitappearedfromadistance。Consequentlythatvaguedisappointmentisfeltwhichmostofusexperienceonattainingalongdesiredgoal—theunsatisfactorinessofsuccess！MuchthesamesensationascausedpoorDuMauriertoanswer，whenaskedshortlybeforehisdeathwhyhelookedsoglum，"I’msouredbysuccess！"

Sotrueisthisofallhumannaturethatthefollowingrecipemightbegivenfortheattainmentofperfecthappiness："Beginfardowninanywalkoflife。Risebyyoureffortshighereachyear，andthenbecarefultodiebeforediscoveringthatthereisnothingatthetop。Theexcitementofthestruggle—

`theraptureofthechase’—aregreaterjoysthanachievement。"

Ourambitiousfriendsnaturallyignorethisbitofphilosophy。

Whenitisdiscoveredthatthe"world"athomehasgivenbutanunsatisfactoryreturnforcashandconniving，itoccurstothemthatthefaultliesinthecircle，andtheyassumethattheirparticulartalentsrequirealargerfield。Havingconqueredallinsight，thesesocialAlexanderspineforanewworld，whichgenerallyturnsouttobethe"Old，"soacrossingismade，andthe"ConquestofEngland"begunwithalltheenthusiasmandpushemployedonstartingoutfromthelittlenativecitytwentyyearsbefore。

ItisinVictoria’srealmthatfoemenworthyoftheirsteelawaittheconquerors。Homesocietywasatooeasyprey，openingitsdoorsandlayingdownitsarmsatthefirstsummons。InEnglandthenew—comersfindthattheirlittlegamehasbeenplayedbefore；and，well，whattheyimaginedwasadiscoveryprovestobealong—studiedsciencewith"DONNANT！

DONNANT！"asitsfundamentallaw。Wilyopponentswithtrumpcardsintheirhandsandaprofoundknowledgeof"Hoyle"

smilinglyofferthemseats。Havingacquiredinahomegameaknowledgeof"bluff，"ourfriendsplungewithdelightintothefray，onlytofindEnglishsocietysoformedthat，climbtheyneversowisely，thetopcanneverbereached。Workashardastheymay，succeedevenbeyondtheirfondesthopes，therewillalwaysremaincirclesabove，towardwhichtoyearn—

peoplewhowillrefusetoknowthem，housestheywillneverbeinvitedtoenter。Thinkofthecharm，theattractionsuchacivilizationmusthavefortherealbornclimber，andyou，myreader，willunderstandwhycertainofourcompatriotsenjoylivinginEngland，andwhywhenoncetheintoxicatingdraught（suppliedtotheambitiousontheotherside）hasbeentasted，allhomeconcoctionsproveinsipid。

Chapter10—CALVEatCabrieresWHILEIwasmakinga"cure"lastyearatLamalou，anobscureSpaintheCevennesMountains，MadameCalve，towhomIhadexpressedadesiretoseeherpicturesquehome，telegraphedaninvitationtopassthedaywithher，namingthetrainshecouldmeet，whichwouldallowforthelongdrivetoherchateaubeforeluncheon。Itisneedlesstosaytheinvitationwasaccepted。Asmytraindrewupatthelittlestation，MadameCalve，inhertrap，wasthefirstpersonIsaw，andnotimewaslostingettingENROUTE。

Duringthehourpassedonthepoplar—borderedroadthatleadsstraightandwhiteacrossthecountryIhadtimetoappreciatethetransformationinthewomanatmyside。Wasthisgray—

clad，nunlikefigurethepassionate，sensuousCarmenofBizet’smasterpiece？Couldthatcalm，paleface，crossedbyinnumerablelinesofsuffering，asaspider’swebliesonaflower，blazeandpantwithSappho’sguiltylove？

Somethingofthesethoughtsmusthaveappearedonmyface，forturningwithasmile，sheasked，"Youfindmechanged？It’stheairofmyvillage。HereI’mmyself。EverywhereelseI’mdifferent。OnthestageIamanypartImaybeplaying，butamneverreallyhappyawayfrommyhillthere。"Asshespoke，asun—bakedhamletcameinsight，huddledaroundthebaseoftwotalltowersthatrosecoolandgrayinthenoondayheat。

"Allthatwing，"sheadded，"isarrangedfortheconvalescentgirlswhomIhavesentdowntomefromtheParishospitalsforacureoffreshairandsimplefood。Sixyearsago，justafterIhadboughtthisplace，aseriesofoperationsbecamenecessarywhichleftmeprostratedandanaemic。Notonicswereofbenefit。Igrewweakerdaybyday，untilthedoctorsbegantodespairofmylife。Finally，attheadviceofanoldwomanherewhopassesforbeingsomethingofacurer，Itriedtheexperimentorlyingfiveorsixhoursadaymotionlessinthesunlight。Itwasn’tlongbeforeIfeltlifecreepingbacktomypoorfeeblebody。Thehotsunofourmagicsouthwasamoresubtletonicthananydrug。Whenthecurewascomplete，Imadeupmymindthateachsummerthesamechanceshouldbeofferedtoasmanyofmysufferingsistersasthisoldplacecouldbemadetoaccommodate。"

ThebellsontheshaggyTarbesponiesshewasdrivingalongtheLanguedocroaddrew，onnearingherresidence，anumberofpeasantchildrenfromtheirplay。

Astheruddyurchinsranshoutingaroundourcarriagewheelsandscrambledinthedustforthesouswethrewthem，myhostesspointedlaughingtoascrubbylittlegirlwithtomato—

coloredcheeksandtousleddarkhair，remarking，"Ilookedlikethattwentyyearsagoandperformedjustthoseanticsonthisveryroad。Nopunishmentwouldkeepmeoffthehighway。

Thosepennies，ifI’mnotmistaken，willallbespentatthevillagepastrycook’swithinanhour。"

Thiswassaidwithsuchatenderglanceatthechildrenthatonerealizedthegreatartistwasathomehere，surroundedbythepeopleshelovedandunderstood。Truetothe"homing"

instinctoftheFrenchpeasant，MadameCalve，whenfortunecametoher，boughtandpartiallyrestoredtheramblingchateauwhichatsunsetcastsitsshadowacrossthevillageofherbirth。SincethatdayeverymomentoffreedomfromprofessionallaborandeverypennyofherlargeincomearespentatCabrieres，building，planning，evenfarming，whenherhealthpermits。

"Ithink，"shecontinued，asweapproachedthechateau，"thatthehappiestdayofmylife—andIhave，asyouknow，passedsomehoursworthliving，bothonandoffthestage—waswhen，thatwingcompleted，aParistrainbroughtthefirstoccupantsformytwentylittlebedrooms；nowordscantellthedelightitgivesmenowtoseethecolorcomingbacktomypatients’

palelipsandhearthemlaughingandsingingabouttheplace。

AsIamalwaysshortoffunds，theideaofabandoningthisworkistheonlyfearthefutureholdsforme。"

Withthevivacitypeculiartohercharacter，mycompanionthenwhippeduphercobsandturnedtheconversationintogayerchannels。Fiveminuteslaterweclatteredoveradrawbridgeanddrewupinaroomycourtyard，halfblindingsunlightandhalfblueshadow，whereascoreofgirlswereoccupiedwithbooksandsewing。

Theluncheonbellwasringingasweascendedtheterracesteps。Afterahurriedfiveminutesforbrushingandwashing，wetookourplacesatalongtablesetinthecoolstonehall，guestsstoppinginthechateauoccupyingoneendaroundthechatelaine，theconvalescentsfillingtheotherseats。

ThosewhohaveonlyseenthecapriciousdivaonthestageorinParisiansalonscanformlittleideaoftheproprietressofCabrieres。Noshadeofcoquetryblurstheclearpictureofherhomelife。Thecappedandsabotedpeasantwomenwhowaitedonuswerenotmoresimpleintheirways。Severaltimesduringthemealsheleftherseattoinquireafterthecomfortofsomeinvalidgirlorinspectthecookingintheadjacentkitchen。Thesewanderingswerenot，however，allowedtodisturbtheconversation，whichflowedonafterthemellowFrenchfashion，enlivenedbymuchwitandgaybadinage。Oneofourhostess’sanecdotesatherownexpensewasespeciallyamusing。

"WheninVenice，"shetoldus，"mostprimadonnasarecarriedtoandfromtheoperainsedanchairstoavoidtheriskofcoldsfromthedraughtygondolas。Thelastnightofmyinitialseasonthere，Iwasinformed，asthecurtainfell，thatanumberofVenetiannobleswereplanningtocarrymeintriumphtothehotel。WhenIdescendedfrommydressing—roomthecourtyardofthetheatrewasfilledwithmenindressclothes，bearinglanterns，whocaughtupthechairassoonasIwasseatedandcarrieditnoisilyacrossthecitytothehotel。Muchmovedbythisunusualhonor，Imountedtothebalconyofmyroom，fromwhichelevationIbowedmythanks，andthrewalltheflowersathandtomyescort。

"Nextmorningthehotelproprietorappearedwithmycoffee，andafterhesitatingamoment，remarked：`Well，wemadeasuccessofitlastnight。IthasbeentelegraphedtoallthecapitalsofEurope！Ihopeyouwillnotthinkathousandfrancstoomuch，consideringtheadvertisement！’Inblankamazement，Iaskedwhathemeant。`Imeanthetriumphalprogress，’heanswered。`Ithoughtyouunderstood！Wealwaysorganizeoneforthe"stars"whovisitVenice。Themenwhocarriedyourchairlastnightwerethewaitersfromthehotels。Wehirethemonaccountoftheirdressclothes’！

Thinkofthedisillusion，"addedCalve，laughing，"andmydisgust，whenIthoughtofmyselfnaivelythrowingkissesandflowerstoagroupofSwissgarconsatfifteenfrancsahead。

Therewasnothingtodo，however，butpaythebillandswallowmychagrin！"

Howmanyprettywomendoyousupposewouldtellsuchajokeuponthemselves？Anotherstoryshetoldusischaracteristicofherpeasantneighbors。

"WhenIcamebackhereaftermyfirstseasoninSt。PetersburgandLondontheCURErequestedmetosingatourlocalfete。I

gladlyconsented，and，standingbyhissideonthestepsoftheMAIRIE，gavethegreatariafromtheHUGUENOTSinmybestmanner。Tomyastonishmenttheperformancewasreceivedincompletesilence。`PoorCalve，’Iheardanoldfriendofmymother’smurmur。`Hervoiceusedtobesonice，andnowit’sallgone！’Takinginthesituationataglance，Ithrewmyvoicewellupintomynoseandstartedoffonawell—knownprovincialsong，intheshrillfalsettoofourpeasantwomen。

Theeffectwasinstantaneous！Longbeforetheendtheperformancewasdrownedinthundersofapplause。Whichprovesthattobepopularasingermustadaptherselftoheraudience。"

Luncheonover，werepairedforcigarettesandcoffeetoanupperroom，whereCalvewasgivingDagnan—Bouveretsomesittingsforaportrait，andlingeredthereuntilfouro’clock，whenourhostessleftusforhersiesta，anda"break"tookthosewhocaredfortheexcursionacrossthevalleytoinspecttheruinsofaRomanbath。Alatedinnerbroughtustogetheragaininasmalldiningroom，theconvalescentshavingeatentheirsimplemealanddisappearedanhourbefore。Duringthistime，anothertransformationhadtakenplaceinourmercurialhostess！ItwastheCalveofParis，Calvethewitch，CalvetheCAPITEUSE，whopresidedatthedainty，flower—deckedtableandledthelaughingconversation。

Afewnotesstruckonaguitarbyoneoftheparty，aswesatanhourlateronthemoonlitterrace，wereenoughtostartofftheversatileartist，whowasinhergayesthumor。Shesangusstraybitsofopera，alternatinghermusicwithscenesburlesquedfromrecentplays。Nooneescapedherinimitablemimicry，noteventhe"divineSarah，"CalvegivingusanunpayableimpersonationoftheelderlyTRAGEDIENNEasLorenzaccio，theboyheroofAlfreddeMusset’sdrama。

BurlesquingledtoherdancingsomeSpanishstepswithanabandonneverattemptedonthestage！WhichinturngaveplacetoanimitationofanAmericanwhistlinganairfromCARMEN，andsome"coonsongs"shehadpickedupduringherstayatNewYork。They，again，weresucceededbyasuperbrenderingoftheimprecationfromRacine’sCAMILLE，whichmadeheraudiencerealizethatingainingasopranotheworldhaslost，perhaps，itsgreatestTRAGEDIENNE。

Ateleveno’clocktheclatterofhoofsinthecourtwarnedusthatthepleasanteveninghadcometoanend。AjournalistEN

ROUTEforPariswassooninstalledwithmeinthelittleomnibusthatwastotakeustothestation，Calveherselflightingourcigarsandprovidingthewrapsthatweretokeepoutthecoolnightair。

Aswepassedunderthelowarchwayoftheentranceamidaclamorof"adieu"and"aurevoir，"theyoungFrenchmanatmysidepointeduptoarowofclosedwindowsoverhead。"Isn’titalesson，"hesaid，"forallofus，tothinkoftheoccupantsofthoselittlerooms，whomthegenerosityandcareofthatgraciousartistareleaningbysuchpleasantpathsbacktohealthandcouragefortheirtoilsomelives？"

Chapter11—ACryForFreshAir"ONCEuponatime，"readsthefamiliarnurserytale，whilethefairies，invitedbyakingandqueentothechristeningoftheirdaughter，wereshoweringgoodgiftsonthebabyprincess，adisgruntledoldwitch，whomnoonehadthoughtofaskingtotheceremony，appeareduninvitedonthesceneandrevengedherselfbydecreeingthatthepresentsofthegoodfairies，insteadofprovingbeneficial，shouldbringonlytroubleandembarrassmenttotheroyalinfant。

Atellinganalogymightbedrawnbetweenthatunhappyprincessoverwhosefatesomanyyouthfultearshavebeenshed，andtheconditionofourinvention—riddencountry；forweseeeverydayhowthegoodgiftsofthosenineteenthcenturyfairies，ScienceandIndustry，insteadofprovingblessingstomankind，arebeingturnedbyignoranceandstupidityintoveritableafflictions。

IfapropheticgentlemanhadtoldLouisFourteenth’sshiveringcourtiers—whomanironetiquetteforcedonwintermorningsintothe（appropriatelynamed）GaleriedesGlaces，stampingtheirsilk—cladfeetandblowingontheirbluefingers，untilthekingshouldappear—thatwithinacenturyandahalfonesimplediscoverywouldenableallclassesofpeopletokeeptheirshopsanddwellingsatasummertemperaturethroughtheseverestwinters，thehalf—frozennobleswouldhavefloutedthesuggestionasan"iridescentdream，"asortoftoo—good—

to—be—trueprophecy。

Whatwastothosenoblemenanunheard—ofluxuryhasbecomewithinthelastdecadeoneoftheprimarynecessitiesofourlife。

Thequestionarisesnow：Arewegainersbythechange？Hastheindiscriminateuseofheatbeenofadvantage，eithermentallyorphysically，tothenation？

Theincubusofcaloricthatsitsonourgaspingcountryisparticularlypainfulatthisseason，whennatureundertakestodoherownheating。

Inotherless—favoredlands，thefirstspringdays，theexquisiteawakeningoftheworldafteralongwinter，bringtotheinhabitantsasensationofjoyandrenewedvitality。We，however，havediscountedthatenjoyment。Delicategradationsoftemperaturearelostonpeoplewhohavebeenstewingforsixmonthsinamixtureofsteamandtwice—breathedair。

WhatpleasurecananearlyAprildayaffordthemanwhohassleptinanover—heatedflatandishurryingtoanofficewhereeightydegreesistheaveragealltheyearround？Orthepaleshop—girl，whocomplainsifabreathofmorningairstraysintothesuburbantrainwheresheisseated？

Aspeoplewhohabituallyusesuch"relishes"asChutneyandWorcestershireareincapableofappreciatingdelicatelypreparedfood，sothe"soft"mortalswhohaveaccustomedthemselvestoaperpetualAugustareinsensibletofineshadingsoftemperature。

TheotherdayIwentwithafriendtoinspectsomeroomshehadbeendecoratinginoneofourpublicschools。Themorninghadbeenfrosty，butbyeleveno’clockthesunwarmedtheairuncomfortably。Onenteringtheschoolweweremetbyablastofheatedairthatwaspositivelystaggering。Intherecitationrooms，where，asinallNewYorkschoolrooms，thechildrenwerepackedlikedominoesinabox，thetemperaturecouldnothavebeenundereighty—five。

Thepale，spectacledspinsterincharge，towhomwecomplainedofthis，wasastonishedandoffendedatwhatsheconsideredourinterference，andansweredthat"thechildrenlikeditwarm，"asforherselfshe"hadacoldandcouldnotthinkofopeningawindow。"Iftheroomsweretoowarmitwasthejanitor’sfault，andhehadgoneout！

Twelveo’clockstruckbeforewehadfinishedourtourofinspection。Itistobedoubtedifanywhereelseintheworldcouldtherebefoundsuchaprocessionofpasty—faced，dull—

eyedyoungstersastroopedpastusdownthestairs。Theirappearancewasthenaturalresultofcompellingchildrendressedforwinterweathertositmanyhourseachdayinhothouses，moresuitedtotropicalplantsthantogrowinghumanbeings。

【推荐阅读】幽幽深宫，醒来一梦似千年，重生于下堂妃身躯中的她，将如何手刃仇人? 点击阅读