CONTENTS
MISSSHUM’SHUSBAND
THEAMOURSOFMR。DEUCEACE
FORINGPARTS
MR。DEUCEACEATPARIS：——
CHAP。I。TheTwoBundlesofHayII。"HonorthyFather"
III。MinewvringIV。"HittingtheNaleontheHedd"
V。TheGriffin’sClawsVI。TheJewelVII。TheConsquinsiesVIII。TheEndofMr。Deuceace’sHistory。LimboIX。TheMarriageX。TheHoney—moonMR。YELLOWPLUSH’SAJEW
SKIMMINGSFROM"THEDAIRYOFGEORGEIV。"
EPISTLESTOTHELITERATI
MEMOIRSOFMR。CHARLESJ。YELLOWPLUSH
MISSSHUM’SHUSBAND。
CHAPTERI。
Iwasbornintheyearone，ofthepresentorChristianhera，andam，inconsquints，seven—and—thirtyyearsold。MymammacalledmeCharlesJamesHarringtonFitzroyYellowplush，incomplimenttoseveralnoblefamilies，andtoasellybratedcoachminwhomsheknew，whoworeayellowlivry，anddrovetheLordMayorofLondon。
Whyshegevmethisgenlmn’snameisadiffiklty，orraytherthenameofapartofhisdress;however，it’sstucktomethroughlife，inwhichIwas，asitwere，afootmanbybuth。
Prapshewasmyfather——thoughonthissubjictIcan’tspeaksuttinly，formymawrappedupmybuthinamistry。Imaybeillygitmit，Imayhavebeenchangedatnuss;butI’vealwayshadgenlmnlytastesthroughlife，andhavenodoubtthatIcomeofagenlmnlyorigum。
ThelessIsayaboutmyparintthebetter，forthedearoldcreaturwasverygoodtome，and，Ifear，hadverylittleothergoodnessinher。Why，Ican’tsay;butIalwayspassedashernevyou。Weledastrangelife;sometimesmawasdressedinsattnandrooge，andsometimesinragsanddutt;sometimesIgotkisses，andsometimeskix;sometimesgin，andsometimesshampang;lawblessus！howsheusedtoswearatme，andcuddleme;therewewere，quarrellingandmakingup，soberandtipsy，starvingandguttlingbyturns，justasmagotmoneyorspentit。Butletmedrawavailovertheseen，andspeakofhernomore——its’sfishantforthepublictoknow，thathernamewasMissMontmorency，andwelivedintheNewCut。
Mypoormotherdiedonemorning，Hev，nblessher！andIwasleftaloneinthiswidewickedwuld，withoutsomuchmoneyaswouldbuymeapennyroalformybrexfast。Buttherewassomeamongstournaybors（andletmetellyouthere’smorekindnessamongthempoordisrepettablecreaturs，thaninhalfadozenlordsorbarrynets）
whotookpityuponpoorSal’sorfin（fortheybustoutlaffinwhenIcalledherMissMontmorency），andgevmebredandshelter。I’mafraid，inspiteoftheirkindness，thatmyMORRILSwouldn’thaveimprovedifI’dstayedlongamong’em。Butabenny—violentgenlmnsawme，andputmetoschool。TheacademywhichIwenttowascalledtheFreeSchoolofSaintBartholomew’stheLess——theyounggenlmnworegreenbaizecoats，yellowleatherwhatsisnames，atinplateontheleftarm，andacapaboutthesizeofamuffing。I
stayedtheresicksyears;fromsicks，thatistosay，tillmytwelthyear，duringthreeyearsofwitchIdistinguishedmyselfnotalittleinthemusicleway，forIbloothebellusofthechurchhorgin，andveryfinetunesweplayedtoo。
Well，it’snotworthrecountingmyjewvenilefollies（whattrixweusedtoplaytheapplewoman！andhowweputsnuffintheoldclark’sPrayer—book——myeye！）;butoneday，agenlmnenteredtheschool—room——itwasontheverydaywhenIwenttosubtraxion——andaskedthemasterforayoungladforaservant。Theypitcheduponmegladenough;andnexdayfoundmesleepinginthesculry，closeunderthesink，atMr。Bago’scountry—houseatPentonwille。
BagokepashopinSmithfieldmarket，anddrovataringgoodtradeinthehoilandItalianway。I’veheardhimsay，thatheclearednolessthanfiftypoundseveryyearbylettinghisfrontroomathangingtime。HiswinderslookedrightopsitNewgit，andmanyandmanydozenchapshasheseenhangingthere。Lawswaslawsintheyearten，andtheyscrewedchaps’nexfornextonothink。Butmybisnisswasathiscountry—house，whereImademyfirstontrayintofashnabllife。Iwasknife，errint，andstable—boythen，andan’tashamedtoownit;formymerritshaveraisedmetowhatIam——twolivries，fortypoundayear，malt—licker，washin，silk—stocking，andwaxcandles——notcountinwails，whichissomethinkprettyconsiderableatOURhouse，Icantellyou。
Ididn’tstaylonghere，forasuckmstancehappenedwhichgotmeaverydifferentsituation。Ahandsomeyounggenlmn，whokepatilbryandaridinhorseatlivry，wantedatiger。Ibidatoncefortheplace;and，beinganeattidy—lookinglad，hetookme。
Bagogavemeacharacter，andhemyfirstlivry;proudenoughIwasofit，asyoumayfancy。
Mynewmasterhadsomebusinessinthecity，forhewentineverymorningatten，gotoutofhistilbryattheCittyRoad，andhaditwaitingforhimatsix;when，ifitwassummer，hespankedroundintothePark，anddroveoneoftheneatestturnoutsthere。WeryproudIwasinagold—lacedhat，adrabcoatandaredweskit，tositbyhisside，whenhedrove。Ialreadybegantooglethegalsinthecarridges，andtofeelthatlongingforfashionabllifewhichI’vehadeversince。Whenhewasattheoppera，ortheplay，downIwenttoskittles，ortoWhiteCondickGardens;andMr。
FredericAltamont’syoungmanwassomebody，Iwarrant：tobesurethereisveryfewman—servantsatPentonwille，thepoppylationbeingmostlygalsofallwork;andso，thoughonlyfourteen，Iwasasmuchamandownthere，asifIhadbeenasoldasJerusalem。
Butthemostsingularthingwas，thatmymaster，whowassuchagaychap，shouldliveinsuchahole。Hehadonlyaground—floorinJohnStreet——aparlorandabedroom。Islepovertheway，andonlycameinwithhisbootsandbrexfastofamorning。
ThehousehelodgedinbelongedtoMr。andMrs。Shum。Theywereapoorbutprolifficcouple，whohadrentedtheplaceformanyyears;
andtheyandtheirfamilyweresqueezedinitprettytight，Icantellyou。
Shumsaidhehadbeenahofficer，andsohehad。Hehadbeenasub—deputyassistantvice—commissary，orsomesuchthink;and，asIheerdafterwards，hadbeenobligedtoleaveonaccountofhisNERVOUSNESS。Hewassuchacoward，thefactis，thathewasconsidereddangeroustotheharmy，andsenthome。
HehadmarriedawidowBuckmaster，whohadbeenaMissSlamcoe。
ShewasaBristolgal;andherfatherbeingabankrupinthetallow—chandleringway，left，incourse，aprettylittlesumofmoney。Athousandpoundwassettledonher;andshewasashighandmightyasifithadbeenamillium。
Buckmasterdied，leavingnothink;nothinkexceptfouruglydaughtersbyMissSlamcoe：andherfortypoundayearwasraytheranarrowincomeforoneofherappytiteandpretensions。InanunluckyhourforShumshemethim。Hewasawidowerwithalittledaughterofthreeyearsold，alittlehouseatPentonwille，andalittleincomeaboutasbigasherown。Ibelieveshebullydthepoorcreatureintomarridge;anditwasagreedthatheshouldlethisground—flooratJohnStreet，andsoaddsomethinktotheirmeans。
Theymarried;andthewidowBuckmasterwasthegraymare，Icantellyou。Shewasalwaystalkingandblusteringaboutherfamly，thecelebrityoftheBuckmasters，andtheanticketyoftheSlamcoes。Theyhadasix—roomedhouse（notcountingkitchingandsculry），andnowtwelvedaughtersinall;whizz。——4MissBuckmasters：MissBetsy，MissDosy，MissBiddy，andMissWinny;
1MissShum，Marybyname，Shum’sdaughter，andsevenothers，whoshallbenameless。Mrs。Shumwasafat，red—hairedwoman，atleastafoottallerthanS。;whowasbutayardandahalfhigh，pale—
faced，red—nosed，knock—kneed，bald—headed，hisnoseandshut—frillallbrownwithsnuff。
Beforethehousewasalittlegarden，wherethewashinofthefamlywasallwayshanging。Therewassomanyof’emthatitwasobligedtobedonebyrelays。Therewassixrailsandastockingoneach，andfoursmallgoosbrybushes，alwayscoveredwithsomebitoflinningorother。Thehallwasaregularpuddle：wetdabsofdishcloutsflappedinyourface;soapysmokingbitsofflanningwentnightochokeyou;andwhileyouwerelookinguptopreventhangingyourselfwiththeropeswhichwerestrungacrossandabout，slapcamethehedgeofapailagainstyourshins，tillonewasliketobedrovemadwithhagony。Thegreatslattnlydoddlinggirlswasalwaysonthestairs，pokingaboutwithnastyflower—pots，a—
cookingsomething，orsprawlinginthewindow—seatswithgreasycurl—papers，readinggreasynovels。Aninfernalpiannawasjinglingfrommorningtillnight——twoeldestMissBuckmasters，"BattleofPrag"——sixyoungestMissShums，"InmyCottage，"tillI
kneweverynoteinthe"BattleofPrag，"andcussedthedaywhen"InmyCottage"wasrote。Theyoungergirls，too，werealwaysbouncingandthumpingaboutthehouse，withtornpinnyfores，anddogs—eardgrammars，andlargepiecesofbreadandtreacle。Ineverseesuchahouse。
AsforMrs。Shum，shewassuchafinelady，thatshedidnothinkbutlayonthedrawing—roomsophy，readnovels，drink，scold，scream，andgointohystarrix。LittleShumkepreadinganoldnewspaperfromweeks’endtoweeks’end，whenhewasnotengagedinteachingthechildren，orgoinforthebeer，orcleanintheshoes：
fortheykepnoservant。ThishouseinJohnStreetwasinshortaregularPandymony。
WhatcouldhavebroughtMr。FredericAltamonttodwellinsuchaplace？Thereasonishobvius：headoaredthefustMissShum。
Andsuttnlyhedidnotshowabadtaste;forthoughtheotherdaughterswereasuglyastheirhideousma，MaryShumwasaprettylittlepink，modestcreatur，withglossyblackhairandtenderblueeyes，andaneckaswhiteasplasterofParish。Sheworeadismaloldblackgownd，whichhadgrowntooshortforher，andtootight;
butitonlyservedtoshowherprettyanglesandfeet，andbewchusfigger。Master，thoughhehadlookedratherlowforthegalofhisart，hadcertainlylookedintherightplace。Neverwasonemoreprettyormorehamiable。Igavheralwaysthebutteredtoastleftfromourbrexfust，andacupofteaorchocklate，asAltamontmightfancy：andthepoorthingwasgladenoughofit，Icanvouch;fortheyhadpreciousshortcommonsupstairs，andshetheleastofall。
ForitseemedasifwhichoftheShumfamlyshouldtrytosnubthepoorthingmost。TherewasthefourBuckmastergirlsalwaysather。Itwas，Mary，gitthecoal—skittle;Mary，rundowntothepublic—houseforthebeer;Mary，Iintendtowearyourcleanstockensoutwalking，oryournewbonnettochurch。Onlyherpoorfatherwaskindtoher;andhe，pooroldmuff！hiskindnesswasofnouse。Maryboreallthescoldinglikeahangel，asshewas：no，notifshehadapairofwingsandagooldtrumpet，couldshehavebeenagreaterhangel。
Inevershallforgitoneseenthattookplace。ItwaswhenMasterwasinthecity;andso，havingnothinkearthlytodo，Ihappenedtobelisteningonthestairs。Theoldscoldingwasa—goingon，andtheoldtuneofthathojus"BattleofPrag。"OldShummadesomeremark;andMissBuckmastercriedout，"Law，pa！whatafoolyouare！"Allthegalsbeganlaffin，andsodidMrs。Shum;all，thatis，excepMary，whoturnedasredasflams，andgoinguptoMissBetsyBuckmaster，givehertwosuchwaxonhergreatredearsasmadethemtingleagain。
OldMrs。Shumscreamed，andranatherlikeaBengaltiger。Hergreatarmsventveelingaboutlikeavinmill，asshecuffedandthumpedpoorMaryfortakingherpa’spart。MaryShum，whowasalwaysa—cryingbefore，didn’tshedatearnow。"Iwilldoitagain，"shesaid，"ifBetsyinsultsmyfather。"Newthumps，newshreex;andtheoldhorridanwentonbeatinthepoorgirltillshewasquiteexosted，andfelldownonthesophy，puffinlikeapoppus。
"Forshame，Mary，"beganoldShum;"forshame，younaughtygal，you！forhurtingthefeelingsofyourdearmamma，andbeatingyourkindsister。"
"Why，itwasbecauseshecalledyoua——"
"Ifshedid，youpertmiss，"saidShum，lookingmightydignitified，"Icouldcorrecther，andnotyou。"
"Youcorrectme，indeed！"saidMissBetsy，turninguphernose，ifpossible，higherthanbefore;"Ishouldliketoseeyouerectme！
Imperence！"andtheyallbeganlaffinagain。
BythistimeMrs。S。hadrecoveredfromtheeffexofherexsize，andshebegantopourinHERwolly。FustshecalledMarynames，thenShum。
"Oh，why，"screechedshe，"whydidIeverleaveagenteelfamly，whereIadeveryellyganceandlucksry，tomarryacreaturlikethis？Heisunfittobecalledaman，heisunworthytomarryagentlewoman;andasforthathussy，Idisownher。Thankheavenshean’taSlamcoe;sheisonlyfittobeaShum！"
"That’strue，mamma，"saidallthegals;fortheirmotherhadtaughtthemthisprettypieceofmanners，andtheydespisedtheirfatherheartily：indeed，Ihavealwaysremarkedthat，infamlieswherethewifeisinternallytalkingaboutthemeritsofherbranch，thehusbandisinvariablyaspooney。
Well，whenshewasexostedagain，downshefellonthesofy，atheroldtrix——morescreeching——moreconvulshuns：andshewouldn’tstop，thistime，tillShumhadgotherhalfapintofheroldremedy，fromthe"BlueLion"overtheway。Shegrewmoreeasyasshefinishedthegin;butMarywassentoutoftheroom，andtoldnottocomebackaginallday。
"MissMary，"saysI，——formyheartyurnedtothepoorgal，asshecamesobbingandmiserabledownstairs："MissMary，"saysI，"ifI
mightmakesobold，here’smaster’sroomempty，andIknowwherethecoldbifandpicklesis。""Oh，Charles！"saidshe，noddingherheadsadly，"I’mtooretchedtohaveanyhappytite。"Andsheflungherselfonachair，andbegantocryfittobust。
Atthismomentwhoshouldcomeinbutmymaster。IhadtakenholdofMissMary’shand，somehow，anddobelieveIshouldhavekistit，when，asIsaid，Haltamontmadehisappearance。"What’sthis？"
crieshe，lookinatmeasblackasthunder，orasMr。PhillipsasHickit，inthenewtragedyofMacBuff。
"It’sonlyMissMary，sir，"answeredI。
"Getout，sir，"sayshe，asfierceasposbil;andIfeltsomethink（Ithinkitwasthetipofhisto）touchingmebehind，andfoundmyself，nexminit，sprawlingamongthewetflanningsandbucketsandthings。
Thepeoplefromupstairscametoseewhatwasthematter，asIwascussinandcryingout。"It’sonlyCharles，ma，"screamedoutMissBetsy。
"Where’sMary？"saysMrs。Shum，fromthesofy。
"She’sinMaster’sroom，miss，"saidI。
"She’sinthelodger’sroom，ma，"criesMissShum，heckoingme。
"Verygood;tellhertostaytheretillhecomesback。"AndthenMissShumwentbouncingupthestairsagain，littleknowingofHaltamont’sreturn……
I’dlongbeforeobservedthatmymasterhadananchoringafterMaryShum;indeed，asIhavesaid，itwaspurelyforhersakethathetookandkephislodgingsatPentonwille。Excepforthesakeoflove，whichisabovebeingmersnary，fourteenshillingsawickwasaLITTLEtoostrongfortwosuchrat—holesashelivedin。Idoblievethefamlyhadnothingelsebuttheirlodgertoliveon：theybrekfistedoffhistea—leaves，theycutawaypoundsandpoundsofmeatfromhisjints（healwaysdinedathome），andhisbaker’sbillwasatleastenoughforsix。Butthatwasn’tmybusiness。Isawhimgrin，sometimes，whenIlaiddownthecoldbifofamorning，toseehowlittlewasleftofyesterday’ssirline;butheneversaidasyllabub：fortruelovedon’tmindapoundofmeatorsohextra。
Atfirst，hewasverykindandattentivetoallthegals;MissBetsy，inpartickler，grewmightyfondofhim：theysat，forwholeevenings，playingcribbitch，hetakinghispipeandglas，sheherteaandmuffing;butasitwasimproperforhertocomealone，shebroughtoneofhersisters，andthiswasgenrallyMary，——forhemadeapintofaskingher，too，——andoneday，whenoneoftheotherscameinstead，hetoldher，veryquitely，thathehadn’tinvitedher;andMissBuckmasterwastoofondofmuffingstotrythisgameonagain：besides，shewasjealousofherthreegrownsisters，andconsideredMaryasonlyachild。Lawblessus！howsheusedtooglehim，andquotbitsofpottry，andplay"MeetMebyMoonlike，"onanoldgitter：shereglarflungherselfathishead：
buthewouldn’thaveit，beinbetterockypiedelsewhere。
Onenight，asgenteelaspossible，hebroughthometicketsfor"Ashley’s，"andproposedtotakethetwoyoungladies——MissBetsyandMissMary，incourse。Irecklecthecalledmeasidethatafternoon，assumingasolamonandmisterushare，"Charles，"saidhe，"AREYOUUPTOSNUFF？"
"Whysir，"saidI，"I’mgenrallyconsideredtolerablydowny。"
"Well，"sayshe，"I’llgiveyouhalfasufferingifyoucanmanagethisbisnessforme;I’vechosearainynightonpurpus。Whenthetheatreisover，youmustbewaitinwithtwoumbrellows;givemeone，andholdtheotheroverMissBuckmaster：and，harkye，sir，TURNTOTHERIGHTwhenyouleavethetheater，andsaythecoachisorderedtostandalittlewayupthestreet，inordertogetridofthecrowd。"
Wewent（inaflyhiredbyMr。A。），andnevershallIforgitCartliche’shactingonthatmemrablenight。TalkofKimble！talkofMagreedy！Ashley’sformymoney，withCartlitchintheprincipalpart。Butthisisnothinktotheporpus。Whentheplaywasover，Iwasatthedoorwiththeumbrellos。Itwasrainingcatsanddogs，sureenough。
Mr。Altamontcameoutpresently，MissMaryunderhisarm，andMissBetsyfollowingbehind，raythersulky。"Thisway，sir，"criesI，pushinforward;andIthrewagreatcloakoverMissBetsy，fittosmotherher。Mr。A。andMissMaryskippedonandwasoutofsightwhenMissBetsy’scloakwassettled，youmaybesure。
"They’reonlygonetothefly，miss。It’salittlewayupthestreet，awayfromthecrowdofcarridges。"AndoffweturnedTO
THERIGHT，andnomistake。
Aftermarchinalittlethroughtheplashandmud，"HasanybodyseenCoxy’sfly？"criesI，withthemostinnocenthaxentintheworld。
"Cox’sfly！"hollowsoutonechap。"Isitthevagginyouwant？"
saysanother。"Iseetheblackinwanpass，"gigglesoutanothergentlmn;andtherewassuchahinterchangeofcomplimentsasyouneverheerd。Ipassthemoverthough，becausesomeof’emwerenotwerygenteel。
"Law，miss，"saidI，"whatshallIdo？Mymasterwillneverforgiveme;andIhaven’tasinglesixpencetopayacoach。"MissBetsywasjustgoingtocallonewhenIsaidthat;butthecoachmanwouldn’thaveitatthatprice，hesaid，andIknewverywellthatSHEhadn’tfourorfiveshillingstopayforawehicle。So，inthemidstofthattarinrain，atmidnight，wehadtowalkfourmiles，fromWestminsterBridgetoPentonwille;andwhatwaswuss，IDIDN’T
HAPPENTOKNOWTHEWAY。Averynicewalkitwas，andnomistake。
Atabouthalf—pasttwo，wegotsafetoJohnStreet。Mymasterwasatthegardengate。MissMaryflewintoMissBetsy’sarms，whilemasterbeguncussinandswearingatmefordisobeyinghisorders，andTURNINGTOTHERIGHTINSTEADOFTOTHELEFT！Lawblessme！hishactingofhangerwasverynearasnatralandasterryblasMr。
Cartlich’sintheplay。
Theyhadwaitedhalfanhour，hesaid，inthefly，inthelittlestreetattheleftofthetheater;theyhaddroveupanddowninthegreatestfrightpossible;andatlastcamehome，thinkingitwasinvaintowaitanymore。Theygaveher’otrum—and—waterandroastoystersforsupper，andthisconsoledheralittle。
IhopenobodywillcastanimputationonMissMaryforHERshareinthisadventer，forshewasashonestagalaseverlived，andIdobelieveishignoranttothisdayofourlittlestrattygim。Besides，all’sfairinlove;and，asmymastercouldnevergettoseeheralone，onaccountofherinfernalelevensistersandma，hetookthisopportunityofexpressinhisattachmenttoher。
Ifhewasinlovewithherbefore，youmaybesureshepaidithimbackagainnow。EverafterthenightatAshley’s，theywereastenderastwotuttle—doves——whichfullyaccountsfortheaxdentwhathappenedtome，inbeingkickedoutoftheroom：andincourseIborenomallis。
Idon’tknowwhetherMissBetsystillfanciedthatmymasterwasinlovewithher，butshelovedmuffingsandtea，andkemdowntohisparlorasmuchasever。
Nowcomesthesing’larpartofmyhistory。
CHAPTERII。
Butwhowasthisgenlmnwithafinename——Mr。FredericAltamont？orwhatwashe？ThemostmysterusgenlmnthateverIknew。OnceI
saidtohimonaweryrainyday，"Sir，shallIbringthegigdowntoyouroffice？"andhegavemeoneofhisblacklooksandoneofhisloudesthoaths，andtoldmetomindmyownbizziness，andattendtomyorders。Anotherday，——itwasonthedaywhenMissMaryslappedMissBetsy’sface，——MissM。，whoadoaredhim，asI
havesaidalready，keponaskinghimwhatwashisbuth，parentidg，andediccation。"DearFrederic，"saysshe，"whythismistryaboutyourselfandyourhactions？whyhidefromyourlittleMary"——theywereastenderasthis，Icantellyou——"yourbuthandyourprofessin？"
IsposeMr。Fredericlookedblack，forIwasONLYlistening，andhesaid，inavoicehagitatedbyemotion，"Mary，"saidhe，"ifyouloveme，askmethisnomore：letitbesfishntforyoutoknowthatIamahonestman，andthatasecret，whatitwouldbemiseryforyoutolarn，musthangoverallmyactions——thatisfromteno’clocktillsix。"
Theywentonchaffinandtalkinginthismelumcollyandmysterusway，andIdidn’tloseawordofwhattheysaid;forthemhousesinPentonwillehaveonlywallsmadeofpasteboard，andyouhearraytherbetteroutsidetheroomthanin。But，thoughhekepuphissecret，hesworetoherhisaffektionthisdaypintblank。Nothingshouldpreventhim，hesaid，fromleadinghertothehalter，frommakinherhisadoarablewife。Afterthiswasaslightsilence。
"DearestFrederic，"mummeredoutmiss，speakinasifshewaschokin，"Iamyours——yoursforever。"Andthensilenceagen，andoneortwosmax，asiftherewaskissingoingon。HereIthoughtitbesttogivearattleatthedoor—lock;for，asIlive，therewasoldMrs。Shuma—walkindownthestairs！
Itappearsthatoneoftheyoungergals，a—lookingoutofthebed—
rumwindow，hadseenmymastercomein，andcomingdowntoteahalfanhourafterwards，saidsoinacussaryway。OldMrs。Shum，whowasadragonofvertyou，cambustlingdownthestairs，pantingandfrowning，asfatandasfierceasaoldsowatfeedintime。
"Where’sthelodger，fellow？"saysshetome。
Ispokeloudenoughtobehearddownthestreet——"Ifyoumean，ma’am，mymaster，Mr。FredericAltamont，esquire，he’sjuststeptin，andisputtinoncleanshoesinhisbedroom。"
Shesaidnothinkinanswer，butflumpspastme，andopeningtheparlor—door，seesmasterlookingveryqueer，andMissMarya—
droopingdownherheadlikeapalelily。
"Didyoucomeintomyfamly，"saysshe，"tocorruptmydaughters，andtodestroythehinnocenceofthatinfamousgal？Didyoucomehere，sir，asaseducer，oronlyasalodger？Speak，sir，speak！"——
andshefoldedherarmsquitefierce，andlookedlikeMrs。SiddumsintheTragicMews。
"Icamehere，Mrs。Shum，"saidhe，"becauseIlovedyourdaughter，orIneverwouldhavecondescendedtoliveinsuchabeggarlyhole。
Ihavetreatedherineveryrespectlikeagenlmn，andsheisasinnocentnow，ma’m，asshewaswhenshewasborn。Ifshe’llmarryme，Iamready;ifshe’llleaveyou，sheshallhaveahomewheresheshallbeneitherbullydnorstarved：nohangryfrumpsofsisters，nocrossmother—in—law，onlyanaffeckshnathusband，andallthepurepleasuresofHyming。"
Maryflungherselfintohisarms——"Dear，dearFrederic，"saysshe，"I’llneverleaveyou。"
"Miss，"saysMrs。Shum，"youain’taSlamcoenoryetaBuckmaster，thankGod。Youmaymarrythispersonifyourpathinksproper，andhemayinsultme——braveme——trampleonmyfeelinxinmyownhouse——
andthere’sno—o—o—obodybytodefendme。"
Iknewwhatshewasgoingtobeat：oncameherhistarrixagen，andshebeganscreechinandroaringlikemad。DowncomesofcoursetheelevengalsandoldShum。Therewasaprettyrow。"Lookhere，sir，"saysshe，"attheconduckofyourprecioustrullofadaughter——alonewiththisman，kissinanddandlin，andLawdknowswhatbesides。"
"What，he？"criesMissBetsy——"heinlovewithMary。Oh，thewretch，themonster，thedeceiver！"——andshefallsdowntoo，screechingawayasloudashermamma;forthesillycreaturefanciedstillthatAltamonthadafondnessforher。
"SILENCETHESEWOMEN！"shoutsoutAltamont，thunderingloud。"I
loveyourdaughter，Mr。Shum。Iwilltakeherwithoutapenny，andcanaffordtokeepher。Ifyoudon’tgivehertome，she’llcomeofherownwill。Isthatenough？——mayIhaveher？"
"We’lltalkofthismatter，sir，"saysMr。Shum，lookingashighandmightyasanalderman。"Gals，goupstairswithyourdearmamma。"——Andtheyalltroopedupagain，andsotheskrimmageended。
YoumaybesurethatoldShumwasnotverysorrytogetahusbandforhisdaughterMary，fortheoldcreaturlovedherbetterthanallthepackwhichhadbeenbroughthimorborntohimbyMrs。
Buckmaster。But，strangetosay，whenhecametotalkofsettlementsandsoforth，notawordwouldmymasteranswer。Hesaidhemadefourhundredayearreglar——hewouldn’ttellhow——butMary，ifshemarriedhim，mustshareallthathehad，andasknoquestions;onlythishewouldsay，ashe’dsaidbefore，thathewasahonestman。
Theyweremarriedinafewdays，andtookaverygenteelhouseatIslington;butstillmymasterwentawaytobusiness，andnobodyknewwhere。Whocouldhebe？
CHAPTERIII。
Ifeverayoungkippleinthemiddlinclassesbeganlifewithachanceofhappiness，itwasMr。andMrs。FredericAltamont。TherehouseatCannonRow，Islington，wasascomfortableashousecouldbe。Carpitedfromtoptoto;pore’sratessmall;furniturelygant;
andthreedeomestix：ofwhichI，incourse，wasone。Mylifewasn’tsoeasyasinMr。A。’sbachelordays;but，whatthen？ThethreeW’sismymaxum：plentyofwork，plentyofwittles，andplentyofwages。Altamontkephisgignolonger，butwenttothecityinanomlibuster。
Onewouldhavethought，Isay，thatMrs。A。，withsuchaneffeckshnuthusband，mighthavebeenashappyasherblessidmajisty。Nothingofthesort。Forthefustsixmonthsitwasallverywell;butthenshegrewgloomierandgloomier，thoughA。dideverythinkinlifetopleaseher。
OldShumusedtocomereglarlyfourtimesawicktoCannonRow，wherehelunched，anddined，andteed，andsupd。Theporelittlemanwasathoughttoofondofwineandspirits;andmanyandmany’sthenightthatI’vehadtosupporthimhome。AndyoumaybesurethatMissBetsydidnotnowdeserthersister：shewasatourplacemornink，noon，andnight;notmuchtomymayster’sliking，thoughhewastoogood—naturedtowexhiswifeintrifles。
ButBetsyneverhadforgottentherecollectionofolddays，andhatedAltamontlikethefoulfeind。Sheputallkindofbadthingsintotheheadofpoorinnocentmissis;who，frombeingallgayetyandcheerfulness，grewtobequitemelumcollyandpale，andretchid，justasifshehadbeenthemostmisrablewomanintheworld。
Inthreemonthsmore，ababycomes，incourse，andwithitoldMrs。
Shum，whostucktoMrs。’sideascloseasawampire，andmadeherretchiderandretchider。SheusedtobustintotearswhenAltamontcamehome：sheusedtosighandwheepovertheporechild，andsay，"Mychild，mychild，yourfatherisfalsetome;"or，"yourfatherdeceivesme;"or"whatwillyoudowhenyourporemotherisnomore？"orsuchlikesentimentalstuff。
ItallcamefromMotherShum，andheroldtrix，asIsoonfoundout。Thefactis，whenthereisamistryofthiskindinthehouse，itsaservant’sDUTYtolisten;andlistenIdid，onedaywhenMrs。wascryinasusual，andfatMrs。Shumasittinconsolinher，asshecalledit：though，heavenknows，sheonlygrewwussandwussfortheconsolation。
Well，Ilistened;Mrs。Shumwasa—rockinthebaby，andmissiscryinasyousual。
"Poredearinnocint，"saysMrs。S。，heavinagreatsigh，"you’rethechildofaunknownfatherandamisrablemother。"
"Don’tspeakillofFrederic，mamma，"saysmissis;"heisallkindnesstome。"
"Allkindness，indeed！yes，hegivesyouafinehouse，andafinegownd，andarideinaflywheneveryouplease;butWHEREDOESALL
HISMONEYCOMEFROM？Whoishe——whatishe？Whoknowsthathemayn’tbeamurderer，orahousebreaker，orauttererofforgednotes？Howcanhemakehismoneyhonestly，whenhewon’tsaywherehegetsit？Whydoesheleaveyoueighthourseveryblessidday，andwon’tsaywherehegoesto？Oh，Mary，Mary，youarethemostinjuredofwomen！"
AndwiththisMrs。Shumbegansobbin;andMissBetsybeganyowlinglikeacatinagitter;andporemissiscried，too——tearsissoremarkableinfeckshus。
"Perhaps，mamma，"wimperedoutshe，"Fredericisashop—boy，anddon’tlikemetoknowthatheisnotagentleman。"
"Ashopboy，"saysBetsy，"heashopboy！Ono，no，no！morelikelyawretchedwillainofamurderer，stabbinandrobingallday，andfeedinyouwiththefruitsofhisill—gottengames！"
Morecryingandscreechinheretookplace，inwhichthebabyjoined;andmadeaveryprettyconsort，Icantellyou。
"Hecan’tbearobber，"criesmissis;"he’stoogood，tookind，forthat：besides，murderingisdoneatnight，andFredericisalwayshomeateight。"
"Buthecanbeaforger，"saysBetsy，"awicked，wickedFORGER。
Whydoeshegoawayeveryday？toforgenotes，tobesure。Whydoeshegotothecity？tobenearbanksandplaces，andsodoitmoreathisconvenience。"
"Buthebringshomeasumofmoneyeveryday——aboutthirtyshillings——sometimesfifty：andthenhesmiles，andsaysit’sagoodday’swork。Thisisnotlikeaforger，"saidporeMrs。A。
"Ihaveit——Ihaveit！"screamsoutMrs。S。"Thevillain——thesneaking，double—facedJonas！he’smarriedtosomebodyelseheis，andthat’swhyheleavesyou，thebasebiggymist！"
Atthis，Mrs。Altamont，struckallofaheap，faintedcleanaway。
Adreadfulbusinessitwas——hystarrix;thenhystarrix，incourse，fromMrs。Shum;bellsringin，childsqualin，suvvantstearinupanddownstairswithhotwater！Ifeverthereisanoosanceintheworld，it’sahousewherefaintainisalwaysgoinon。Iwouldn’tliveinone，——no，nottobegroomofthechambers，andgittwohundredayear。
Itwaseighto’clockintheeveninwhenthisrowtookplace;andsucharowitwas，thatnobodybutmeheardmaster’sknock。Hecamein，andheardthehooping，andscreeching，androaring。Heseemedverymuchfrightenedatfirst，andsaid，"Whatisit？"
"Mrs。Shum’shere，"saysI，"andMrs。inastarrix。"
Altamontlookedasblackasthunder，andgrowledoutawordwhichI
don’tliketoname，——letitsufficethatitbeginswithaDandendswithaNATION;andhetoreupstairslikemad。
Hebustopenthebedroomdoor;missislayquitepaleandstonyonthesofy;thebabbywasscreechinfromthecraddle;MissBetsywassprawlinovermissis;andMrs。Shumhalfonthebedandhalfontheground：allhowlinandsqueelin，likesomanydogsatthemoond。
WhenA。camein，themotheranddaughterstoppedallofasudding。
Therehadbeenoneortwotiffsbeforebetweenthem，andtheyfearedhimasifhehadbeenahogre。
"What’sthisinfernalscreechingandcryingabout？"sayshe。"Oh，Mr。Altamont，"criestheoldwoman，"youknowtoowell;it’saboutyouthatthisdarlingchildismisrabble！"
"Andwhyaboutme，pray，madam？"
"Why，sir，dareyouaskwhy？Becauseyoudeceiveher，sir;becauseyouareafalse，cowardlytraitor，sir;becauseYOUHAVEAWIFE
ELSEWHERE，SIR！"AndtheoldladyandMissBetsybegantoroaragainasloudasever。
Altamontpawsedforaminnit，andthenflungthedoorwideopen;
nexheseizedMissBetsyasifhishandwereavice，andheworldheroutoftheroom;thenuphegoestoMrs。S。"Getup，"sayshe，thunderingloud，"youlazy，trolloping，mischsef—making，lyingoldfool！Getup，andgetoutofthishouse。Youhavebeenthecussandbainofmyhappynisssinceyouenteredit。Withyourd————dlies，andnovvlerending，andhisterrix，youhaveperwertedMary，andmadeheralmostasmadasyourself。"
"Mychild！mychild！"shriexoutMrs。Shum，andclingsroundmissis。ButAltamontranbetweenthem，andgripingtheoldladybyherarm，draggedhertothedoor。"Followyourdaughter，ma’m，"
sayshe，anddownshewent。"CHAWLS，SEETHOSELADIESTOTHE
DOOR，"hehollowsout，"andneverletthempassitagain。"Wewalkeddowntogether，andofftheywent：andmasterlockedanddouble—lockedthebedroomdoorafterhim，intendin，ofcourse，tohaveatator—tator（astheysay）withhiswife。YoumaybesurethatIfollowedupstairsagainprettyquick，toheartheresultoftheirconfidence。
AstheysayatSt。Stevenses，itwasraytherastormydebate。
"Mary，"saysmaster，"you’renolongerthemerrygreatfulgalI
knewandlovedatPentonwill：there’ssomesecretapressinonyou——
there’snosmilinwelcomformenow，asthereusedformlytobe！
Yourmotherandsister—in—lawhaveperwertedyou，Mary：andthat’swhyI’vedrovethemfromthishouse，whichtheyshallnotre—enterinmylife。"
"O，Frederic！it’sYOUisthecause，andnotI。Whydoyouhaveanymistryfromme？Wheredoyouspendyourdays？Whydidyouleaveme，evenonthedayofyourmarridge，foreighthours，andcontinuetodosoeveryday？"
"Because，"sayshe，"Imakesmylivelihoodbyit。Ileaveyou，anddon’ttellyouHOWImakeit：foritwouldmakeyounonethehappiertoknow。"
Itwasinthiswaytheconvysationrenon——moretearsandquestionsonmymissisespart，moresturmnessandsilenceonmymaster’s：itendedforthefirsttimesincetheirmarridge，inareglarquarrel。
Werydifrent，Icantellyou，fromallthehammerousbillingandkewingwhichhadproceededtheirnupshuls。
Masterwentout，slammingthedoorinafury;aswellhemight。
Sayshe，"IfIcan’thaveacomforablelife，Icanhaveajollyone;"andsohewentofftothehedtavern，andcamehomethateveningbeeslyintawsicated。Whenhighwordsbegininafamilydrinkgenerallyfollowsonthegenlman’sside;andthen，fearwelltoallconjubialhappyniss！Thesetwopipple，sofondandloving，werenowsirly，silent，andfullofilwil。Masterwentoutearlier，andcamehomelater;missiscriedmore，andlookedevenpalerthanbefore。
Well，thingswentoninthisuncomfortableway，masterstillinthemopes，missistemptedbythedeamonsofjellosyandcurosity;untilasinglaraxidentbroughttolightallthegoingsonofMr。
Altamont。
ItwasthetenthofJanuary;Irecklecttheday，foroldShumgevmehalfacrownd（thefustandlastofhismoneyIeversee，bytheway）：hewasdiningalongwithmaster，andtheyweremakingmerrytogether。
Mastersaid，ashewasmixinghisfifthtumlerofpunchandlittleShumhistwelfthorso——mastersaid，"IseeyoutwiceintheCityto—day，Mr。Shum。"
"Well，that’scurous！"saysShum。"IWASintheCity。To—day’sthedaywhenthedivvydins（Godbless’em）ispaid;andmeandMrs。
S。wentforourhalf—year’sinkem。Butweonlygotoutofthecoach，crossedthestreettotheBank，tookourmoney，andgotinagen。Howcouldyouseemetwice？"
Altamontstutteredandstammeredandhemd，andhawd。"O！"sayshe，"Iwaspassing——passingasyouwentinandout。"Andheinstantlyturnedtheconversation，andbegantalkingaboutpollytix，ortheweather，orsomesuchstuff。
"Yes，mydear，"saidmymissis，"buthowcouldyouseepapaTWICE？"
Masterdidn’tanswer，buttalkedpollytixmorethanever。Stillshewouldcontinyon。"Wherewasyou，mydear，whenyousawpa？
Whatwereyoudoing，mylove，toseepatwice？"andsoforth。
Masterlookedangrierandangrier，andhiswifeonlypressedhimwussandwuss。
Thiswas，asIsaid，littleShum’stwelfthtumler;andIknewprittywellthathecouldgitverylittlefurther;for，asreglarasthethirteenthcame，Shumwasdrunk。Thethirteenthdidcome，anditsconsquinzes。IwasobligedtoleedhimhometoJohnStreet，whereIlefthiminthehangryarmsofMrs。Shum。
"Howthed——，"saydhealltheway，"howthed—dd——thededdy——
deddy——devil——couldhehaveseenmeTWICE？"
CHAPTERIV。
ItwasasadsliponAltamont’spart，fornosoonerdidhegooutthenextmorningthanmissiswentouttoo。Shetordownthestreet，andneverstoppedtillshecametoherpa’shouseatPentonwill。Shewasclositidforanhourwithherma，andwhenshelefthershedrovestraighttotheCity。ShewalkedbeforetheBank，andbehindtheBank，androundtheBank：shecamehomedisperryted，havinglearnednothink。
AnditwasnowanextraordinarythingthatfromShum’shouseforthenexttendaystherewasnothingbutexpyditionsintothecity。
Mrs。S。，thoherdropsiclelegshadnevercarredherhalfsofurbefore，waseternallyonthekeyveve，astheFrenchsay。Ifshedidn’tgo，MissBetsydid，ormissesdid：theyseemedtohaveanattrackshuntotheBank，andwentthereasnatralasanomlibus。
Atlastoneday，oldMrs。Shumcomestoourhouse——（shewasn’tadmittedwhenmasterwasthere，butcamestillinhisabsints）——
andsheworeahairoftryumph，assheentered。"Mary，"saysshe，"whereisthemoneyyourhusbindbroughttoyouyesterday？"Mymasterusedalwaystogiveittomissiswhenhereturned。
"Themoney，ma！"saysMary。"Whyhere！"Andpullingoutherpuss，sheshowedasovrin，agoodheapofsilver，andanodd—lookinglittlecoin。
"THAT’SIT！that’sit！"criedMrs。S。"AQueeneAnne’ssixpence，isn’tit，dear——datedseventeenhundredandthree？"
Itwassosureenough：aQueenAnssixpenceofthatverydate。
"Now，mylove，"saysshe，"Ihavefoundhim！Comewithmeto—
morrow，andyoushallKNOWALL！"
Andnowcomestheendofmystory……
TheladiesnexmorningsetoutfortheCity，andIwalkedbehind，doingthegenteelthing，withanosegyandagooldstick。WewalkeddowntheNewRoad——wewalkeddowntheCityRoad——wewalkedtotheBank。WewerecrossingfromthatheddyfiztotheothersideofCornhill，whenallofasuddenmississhreeked，andfaintedspontaceouslyaway。
Irushedforrard，andraisedhertomyarms：spilingtherebyanewweskitandapairofcrimsonsmalcloes。Irushedforrard。Isay，verynearlyknockingdowntheoldsweeperwhowashobblingawayasfastasposibil。WetookhertoBirch’s;weprovidedherwithahackney—coachandeverylucksury，andcarriedherhometoIslington……
Thatnightmasternevercamehome。Northenexnight，northenex。
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