"IconsiderthatshowinghospitalitytotheSmithly-DubbsiscarryingFreeFoodprinciplestoaregrettableextreme，"saidLadyDrakmanton；"I'veentertainedtheJonesesandtheBrownsandtheSnapheimersandtheLubrikoffs，andheapsofotherswhosenamesI
forget，butIdon'tseewhyIshouldinflictthesocietyoftheMissesSmithly-Dubbonmyselfforasolidhour。Imagineit，sixtyminutes，moreorless，ofunrelentinggobbleandgabble。Whycan'tYOUtakethemon，Milly？"sheasked，turninghopefullytohersister。
"Idon'tknowthem，"saidMillyhastily。
"Allthebetter；youcanpassyourselfoffasme。Peoplesaythatwearesoalikethattheycanhardlytellusapart，andI'veonlyspokentothesetiresomeyoungwomenabouttwiceinmylife，atcommittee-rooms，andbowedtothemintheclub。Anyoftheclubpage-boyswillpointthemouttoyou；they'realwaystobefoundlollingaboutthehalljustbeforelunch-time。"
"MydearBetty，don'tbeabsurd，"protestedMilly；"I'vegotsomepeoplelunchingwithmeattheCarltonto-morrow，andI'mleavingTownthedayafterwards。"
"Whattimeisyourlunchto-morrow？"askedLadyDrakmantonreflectively。
"Twoo'clock，"saidMilly。
"Good，"saidhersister；"theSmithly-Dubbsshalllunchwithmeto-
morrow。Itshallberatheranamusinglunch-party。Atleast，I
shallbeamused。"
Thelasttworemarksshemadetoherself。Otherpeopledidnotalwaysappreciateherideasofhumour。SirJamesneverdid。
ThenextdayLadyDrakmantonmadesomemarkedvariationsinherusualtoileteffects。Shedressedherhairinanunaccustomedmanner，andputonahatthataddedtothetransformationofherappearance。WhenshehadmadeoneortwominoralterationsshewassufficientlyunlikeherusualsmartselftoproducesomehesitationinthegreetingwhichtheMissesSmithly-Dubbbestowedonherintheclub-lobby。Sheresponded，however，withareadinesswhichsettheirdoubtsatrest。
"WhatistheCarltonlikeforlunchingin？"sheaskedbreezily。
Therestaurantreceivedanenthusiasticrecommendationfromthethreesisters。
"Let'sgoandlunchthere，shallwe？"shesuggested，andinafewminutes'timetheSmithly-Dubbmindwascontemplatingatclosequartersahappyvistaofbakedmeatsandapprovedvintage。
"Areyougoingtostartwithcaviare？Iam，"confidedLadyDrakmanton，andtheSmithly-Dubbsstartedwithcaviare。Thesubsequentdisheswerechoseninthesameambitiousspirit，andbythetimetheyhadarrivedatthewildduckcourseitwasbeginningtobearatherexpensivelunch。
Theconversationhardlykeptpacewiththebrilliancyofthemenu。
RepeatedreferencesonthepartofthegueststothelocalpoliticalconditionsandprospectsinSirJames'sconstituencyweremetwithvague"ahs"and"indeeds"fromLadyDrakmanton，whomighthavebeenexpectedtobespeciallyinterested。
"IthinkwhentheInsuranceActisalittlebetterunderstooditwilllosesomeofitspresentunpopularity，"hazardedCeciliaSmithly-Dubb。
"Willit？Idaresay。I'mafraidpoliticsdon'tinterestmeverymuch，"saidLadyDrakmanton。
ThethreeMissSmithly-DubbsputdowntheircupsofTurkishcoffeeandstared。Thentheybrokeintoprotestinggiggles。
"Ofcourse，you'rejoking，"theysaid。
"Notme，"wasthedisconcertinganswer；"Ican'tmakeheadortailofthesebotheringoldpolitics。Nevercould，andneverwantto。
I'vequiteenoughtodotomanagemyownaffairs，andthat'safact。"
"But，"exclaimedAmandaSmithly-Dubb，withasquealofbewildermentbreakingintohervoice，"IwastoldyouspokesoinforminglyabouttheInsuranceActatoneofoursocialevenings。"
ItwasLadyDrakmantonwhostarednow。"Doyouknow，"shesaid，withascaredlookaroundher，"ratheradreadfulthingishappening。I'msufferingfromacompletelossofmemory。Ican'teventhinkwhoIam。Iremembermeetingyousomewhere，andI
rememberyouaskingmetocomeandlunchwithyouhere，andthatI
acceptedyourkindinvitation。Beyondthatmymindisapositiveblank。"
Thescaredlookwastransferredwithintensifiedpoignancytothefacesofhercompanions。
"YOUaskedUStolunch，"theyexclaimedhurriedly。Thatseemedamoreimmediatelyimportantpointtoclearupthanthequestionofidentity。
"Oh，no，"saidthevanishinghostess，"THATIdorememberabout。
Youinsistedonmycomingherebecausethefeedingwassogood，andImustsayitcomesuptoallyousaidaboutit。Averynicelunchit'sbeen。WhatI'mworryingaboutiswhoonearthamI？Ihaven'tthefaintestnotion？"
"YouareLadyDrakmanton，"exclaimedthethreesistersinchorus。
"Now，don'tmakefunofme，"shereplied，crossly，"Ihappentoknowherquitewellbysight，andsheisn'tabitlikeme。Andit'sanoddthingyoushouldhavementionedher，foritsohappensshe'sjustcomeintotheroom。Thatladyinblack，withtheyellowplumeinherhat，thereoverbythedoor。"
TheSmithly-Dubbslookedintheindicateddirection，andtheuneasinessintheireyesdeepenedintohorror。InoutwardappearancetheladywhohadjustenteredtheroomcertainlycamerathernearertotheirrecollectionoftheirMember'swifethantheindividualwhowassittingattablewiththem。
"WhoAREyou，then，ifthatisLadyDrakmanton？"theyaskedinpanic-strickenbewilderment。
"ThatisjustwhatIdon'tknow，"wastheanswer；"andyoudon'tseemtoknowmuchbetterthanIdo。"
"Youcameuptousintheclub——"
"Inwhatclub？"
"TheNewDidactic，inCalaisStreet。"
"TheNewDidactic！"exclaimedLadyDrakmantonwithanairofreturningillumination；"thankyousomuch。Ofcourse，IremembernowwhoIam。I'mEllenNiggle，oftheLadies'BrasspolishingGuild。TheClubemploysmetocomenowandthenandseetothepolishingofthebrassfittings。That'showIcametoknowLadyDrakmantonbysight；she'sveryoftenintheClub。Andyouaretheladieswhosokindlyaskedmeouttolunch。Funnyhowitshouldallhaveslippedmymemory，allofasudden。Theunaccustomedgoodfoodandwinemusthavebeentoomuchforme；forthemomentIreallycouldn'tcalltomindwhoIwas。Goodgracious，"shebrokeoffsuddenly，"it'stenpasttwo；IshouldbeatapolishingjobinWhitehall。Imustscuttleofflikeagiddyrabbit。Thankingyoueverso。"
Shelefttheroomwithascuttlesufficientlysuggestiveoftheanimalshehadmentioned，butthegiddinesswasallonthesideofherinvoluntaryhostesses。Therestaurantseemedtobespinningroundthem；andthebillwhenitappeareddidnothingtorestoretheircomposure。Theywereasnearlyintearsasitispermissibletobeduringtheluncheonhourinareallygoodrestaurant。
Financiallyspeaking，theywerewellabletoaffordtheluxuryofanelaboratelunch，buttheirideasonthesubjectofentertainingdifferedverysharply，accordingtothecircumstancesofwhethertheyweredispensingorreceivinghospitality。Tohavefedthemselvesliberallyattheirownexpensewas，perhaps，anextravagancetobedeplored，but，atanyrate，theyhadhadsomethingfortheirmoney；tohavedrawnanunknownandsociallyunremunerativeEllenNiggleintothenetoftheirhospitalitywasacatastrophethattheycouldnotcontemplatewithanydegreeofcalmness。
TheSmithly-Dubbsneverquiterecoveredfromtheirunnervingexperience。Theyhavegivenuppoliticsandtakentodoinggood。
ABREADANDBUTTERMISS
"StarlingChatterandOakhillhavebothdroppedbackinthebetting，"saidBertievanTahn，throwingthemorningpaperacrossthebreakfasttable。
"ThatleavesNurseryTeapracticallyfavourite，"saidOdoFinsberry。
"NurseryTeaandPipeclayareatthetopofthebettingatpresent，"
saidBertie，"butthatFrenchhorse，LeFiveO'Clock，seemstobefanciedasmuchasanything。ThenthereisWhitebait，andthePolishhorsewithanamelikesomeonetryingtostifleasneezeinchurch；theybothseemtohavealotofsupport。"
"It'sthemostopenDerbythere'sbeenforyears，"saidOdo。
"It'ssimplynogoodtryingtopickthewinneronform，"saidBertie；"onemustjusttrusttoluckandinspiration。"
"Thequestioniswhethertotrusttoone'sowninspiration，orsomebodyelse's。SportingSwankgivesCountPalatinetowin，andLeFiveO'Clockforaplace。"
"CountPalatine——thataddsanothertoourlistofperplexities。
Goodmorning，SirLulworth；haveyouafancyfortheDerbybyanychance？"
"Idon'tusuallytakemuchinterestinturfmatters，"saidSirLulworth，whohadjustmadehisappearance，"butIalwaysliketohaveabetontheGuineasandtheDerby。Thisyear，Iconfess，it'sratherdifficulttopickoutanythingthatseemsmarkedlybetterthananythingelse。WhatdoyouthinkofSnowBunting？"
"SnowBunting？"saidOdo，withagroan，"there'sanotherofthem。
Surely，SnowBuntinghasnoearthlychance？"
"Myhousekeeper'snephew，whoisashoeing-smithinthemountedsectionoftheChurchLads'Brigade，andanauthorityonhorseflesh，expectshimtobeamongthefirstthree。"
"Thenephewsofhousekeepersareinvariablyoptimists，"saidBertie；
"it'sakindofnaturalreactionagainsttheprofessionalpessimismoftheiraunts。"
"Wedon'tseemtogetmuchfurtherinoursearchfortheprobablewinner，"saidMrs。deClaux；"themoreIlistentoyouexpertsthemorehopelesslybefoggedIget。"
"It'sallverywelltoblameus，"saidBertietohishostess；"youhaven'tproducedanythinginthewayofaninspiration。"
"MyinspirationconsistedinaskingyoudownforDerbyweek，"
retortedMrs。deClaux；"IthoughtyouandOdobetweenyoumightthrowsomelightonthequestionofthemoment。"
FurtherrecriminationswerecutshortbythearrivalofLolaPevensey，whofloatedintotheroomwithanairofgraciousapology。
"Sosorrytobesolate，"sheobserved，makingarapidtourofinspectionofthebreakfastdishes。
"Didyouhaveagoodnight？"askedherhostesswithperfunctorysolicitude。
"Quite，thankyou，"saidLola；"Idreamtamostremarkabledream。"
Aflutter，indicativeofgeneralboredom；wentroundthetable。
Otherpeople'sdreamsareaboutasuniversallyinterestingasaccountsofotherpeople'sgardens，orchickens，orchildren。
"IdreamtaboutthewinneroftheDerby，"saidLola。
Aswiftreactionofattentiveinterestsetin。
"Dotelluswhatyoudreamt，"cameinachorus。
"ThereallyremarkablethingaboutitisthatI'vedreamtittwonightsrunning，"saidLola，finallydecidingbetweentheallurementsofsausagesandkedgeree；"thatiswhyIthoughtitworthmentioning。Youknow，whenIdreamthingstwoorthreenightsinsuccession，italwaysmeanssomething；Ihavespecialpowersinthatway。Forinstance，Ioncedreamedthreetimesthatawingedlionwasflyingthroughtheskyandoneofhiswingsdroppedoff，andhecametothegroundwithacrash；justafterwardstheCampanileatVenicefelldown。ThewingedlionisthesymbolofVenice，youknow，"sheaddedfortheenlightenmentofthosewhomightnotbeversedinItalianheraldry。"Then，"shecontinued，"justbeforethemurderoftheKingandQueenofServiaIhadavividdreamoftwocrownedfigureswalkingintoaslaughter-housebythebanksofabigriver，whichItooktobetheDanube；andonlytheotherday——"
"Dotelluswhatyou'vedreamtabouttheDerby，"interruptedOdoimpatiently。
"Well，Isawthefinishoftheraceasclearlyasanything；andonehorsewoneasily，almostinacanter，andeverybodycriedout'BreadandButterwins！GoodoldBreadandButter。'Iheardthenamedistinctly，andI'vehadthesamedreamtwonightsrunning。"
"BreadandButter，"saidMrs。deClaux，"now，whateverhorsecanthatpointto？Why——ofcourse；NurseryTea！"
Shelookedroundwiththetriumphantsmileofasuccessfulunravellerofmystery。
"HowaboutLeFiveO'Clock？"interposedSirLulworth。
"Itwouldfiteitherofthemequallywell，"saidOdo；"canyourememberanydetailsaboutthejockey'scolours？Thatmighthelpus。"
"Iseemtorememberaglimpseoflemonsleevesorcap，butIcan'tbesure，"saidLola，afterduereflection。
"Thereisn'talemonjacketorcapintherace，"saidBertie，referringtoalistofstartersandjockeys；"can'tyourememberanythingabouttheappearanceofthehorse？Ifitwereathick-setanimal，thisbreadandbutterwouldtypifyNurseryTea；andifitwerethin，ofcourse，itwouldmeanLeFiveO'Clock。"
"Thatseemssoundenough，"saidMrs。deClaux；"dothink，Loladear，whetherthehorseinyourdreamwasthinorstoutlybuilt。"
"Ican'trememberthatitwasoneortheother，"saidLola；"onewouldn'tnoticesuchadetailintheexcitementofafinish。"
"Butthiswasasymbolicanimal，"saidSirLulworth；"ifitweretotypifythickorthinbreadandbuttersurelyitoughttohavebeeneitherasbulkyandtubbyasashirecart-horse；orasthinasaheraldicleopard。"
"I'mafraidyouareratheracarelessdreamer，"saidBertieresentfully。
"Ofcourse，atthemomentofdreamingIthoughtIwaswitnessingarealrace，nottheportentofone，"saidLola；"otherwiseIshouldhaveparticularlynoticedallhelpfuldetails。"
"TheDerbyisn'truntillto-morrow，"saidMrs。deClaux；"doyouthinkyouarelikelytohavethesamedreamagainto-night？Ifso；
youcanfixyourattentionontheimportantdetailoftheanimal'sappearance。"
"I'mafraidIshan'tsleepatallto-night，"saidLolapathetically；
"everyfifthnightIsufferfrominsomnia，andit'sdueto-night。"
"It'smostprovoking，"saidBertie；"ofcourse，wecanbackbothhorses，butitwouldbemuchmoresatisfactorytohaveallourmoneyonthewinner。Can'tyoutakeasleeping-draught，orsomething？"
"Oakleaves，soakedinwarmwaterandputunderthebed，arerecommendedbysome，"saidMrs。deClaux。
"AglassofBenedictine，withadropofeau-de-Cologne——"saidSirLulworth。
"Ihavetriedeveryknownremedy，"saidLola，withdignity；"I'vebeenamartyrtoinsomniaforyears。"
"Butnowwearebeingmartyrstoit，"saidOdosulkily；"I
particularlywanttolandabigcoupoverthisrace。"
"Idon'thaveinsomniaformyownamusement，"snappedLola。
"Letushopeforthebest，"saidMrs。deClauxsoothingly；"to-nightmayproveanexceptiontothefifth-nightrule。"
ButwhenbreakfasttimecameroundagainLolareportedablanknightasfarasvisionswereconcerned。
"Idon'tsupposeIhadasmuchastenminutes'sleep，and，certainly，nodreams。"
"I'msosorry，foryoursakeinthefirstplace，andoursaswell，"
saidherhostess；"doyouthinkyoucouldinduceashortnapafterbreakfast？Itwouldbesogoodforyou——andyouMIGHTdreamsomething。Therewouldstillbetimeforustogetourbetson。"
"I'lltryifyoulike，"saidLola；"itsoundsratherlikeasmallchildbeingsenttobedindisgrace。"
"I'llcomeandreadtheEncyclopaediaBritannicatoyouifyouthinkitwillmakeyousleepanysooner，"saidBertieobligingly。
Rainwasfallingtoosteadilytopermitofoutdooramusement，andthepartysufferedconsiderablyduringthenexttwohoursfromtheabsolutequietthatwasenforcedalloverthehouseinordertogiveLolaeverychanceofachievingslumber。Eventheclickofbilliardballswasconsideredapossiblefactorofdisturbance，andthecanarieswerecarrieddowntothegardener'slodge，whilethecuckooclockinthehallwasmuffledunderseverallayersofrugs。A
notice，"PleasedonotKnockorRing，"waspostedonthefrontdooratBertie'ssuggestion，andguestsandservantsspokeintragicwhispersasthoughthedreadpresenceofdeathorsicknesshadinvadedthehouse。Theprecautionsprovedofnoavail：Lolaaddedasleeplessmorningtoawakefulnight，andthebetsofthepartyhadtobeimpartiallydividedbetweenNurseryTeaandtheFrenchColt。
"Soprovokingtohavetosplitoutbets，"saidMrs。deClaux，asherguestsgatheredinthehalllaterintheday，waitingfortheresultoftherace。
"Ididmybestforyou，"saidLola，feelingthatshewasnotgettingherdueshareofgratitude；"ItoldyouwhatIhadseeninmydreams，abrownhorse，calledBreadandButter，winningeasilyfromalltherest。"
"What？"screamedBertie，jumpingupfromhissea，"abrownhorse！
Miserablewoman，youneversaidawordaboutit'sbeingabrownhorse。"
"Didn'tI？"falteredLola；"IthoughtItoldyouitwasabrownhorse。Itwascertainlybrowninbothdreams。ButIdon'tseewhatthecolourhasgottodowithit。NurseryTeaandLeFiveO'Clockarebothchestnuts。"
"MercifulHeaven！Doesn'tbrownbreadandbutterwithasprinklingoflemoninthecolourssuggestanythingtoyou？"ragedBertie。
Aslow，cumulativegroanbrokefromtheassemblyasthemeaningofhiswordsgraduallydawnedonhishearers。
ForthesecondtimethatdayLolaretiredtotheseclusionofherroom；shecouldnotfacetheuniversallooksofreproachdirectedatherwhenWhitebaitwasannouncedwinneratthecomfortablepriceoffourteentoone。
BERTIE'SCHRISTMASEVE
ItwasChristmasEve，andthefamilycircleofLukeSteffink，Esq。，wasaglowwiththeamiabilityandrandommirthwhichtheoccasiondemanded。Alongandlavishdinnerhadbeenpartakenof，waitshadbeenroundandsungcarols；thehouse-partyhadregaleditselfwithmorecarolingonitsownaccount，andtherehadbeenrompingwhich，eveninapulpitreference，couldnothavebeencondemnedasragging。Inthemidstofthegeneralglow，however，therewasoneblackunkindledcinder。
BertieSteffink，nephewoftheaforementionedLuke，hadearlyinlifeadoptedtheprofessionofne'er-do-weel；hisfatherhadbeensomethingofthekindbeforehim。AttheageofeighteenBertiehadcommencedthatroundofvisitstoourColonialpossessions，soseemlyanddesirableinthecaseofaPrinceoftheBlood，sosuggestiveofinsincerityinayoungmanofthemiddle-class。HehadgonetogrowteainCeylonandfruitinBritishColumbia，andtohelpsheeptogrowwoolinAustralia。AttheageoftwentyhehadjustreturnedfromsomesimilarerrandinCanada，fromwhichitmaybegatheredthatthetrialhegavetothesevariousexperimentswasofthesummarydrum-headnature。LukeSteffink，whofulfilledthetroubledroleofguardiananddeputy-parenttoBertie，deploredthepersistentmanifestationofthehominginstinctonhisnephew'spart，andhissolemnthanksearlierinthedayfortheblessingofreportingaunitedfamilyhadnoreferencetoBertie'sreturn。
ArrangementshadbeenpromptlymadeforpackingtheyouthofftoadistantcornerofRhodesia，whencereturnwouldbeadifficultmatter；thejourneytothisuninvitingdestinationwasimminent，infactamorecarefulandwillingtravellerwouldhavealreadybeguntothinkabouthispacking。HenceBertiewasinnomoodtoshareinthefestivespiritwhichdisplayeditselfaroundhim，andresentmentsmoulderedwithinhimattheeager，self-absorbeddiscussionofsocialplansforthecomingmonthswhichheheardonallsides。
Beyonddepressinghisuncleandthefamilycirclegenerallybysinging"Sayaurevoir，andnotgood-bye，"hehadtakennopartintheevening'sconviviality。
Eleveno'clockhadstrucksomehalf-hourago，andtheelderSteffinksbegantothrowoutsuggestionsleadinguptothatprocesswhichtheycalledretiringforthenight。
"Come，Teddie，it'stimeyouwereinyourlittlebed，youknow，"
saidLukeSteffinktohisthirteen-year-oldson。
"That'swherewealloughttobe，"saidMrs。Steffink。
"Therewouldn'tberoom，"saidBertie。
Theremarkwasconsideredtoborderonthescandalous；everybodyateraisinsandalmondswiththenervousindustryofsheepfeedingduringthreateningweather。
"InRussia，"saidHoraceBordenby，whowasstayinginthehouseasaChristmasguest，"I'vereadthatthepeasantsbelievethatifyougointoacow-houseorstableatmidnightonChristmasEveyouwillheartheanimalstalk。They'resupposedtohavethegiftofspeechatthatonemomentoftheyear。"
"Oh，DOlet'sALLgodowntothecow-houseandlistentowhatthey'vegottosay！"exclaimedBeryl，towhomanythingwasthrillingandamusingifyoudiditinatroop。
Mrs。Steffinkmadealaughingprotest，butgaveavirtualconsentbysaying，"Wemustallwrapupwell，then。"Theideaseemedascatterbrainedonetoher，andalmostheathenish，butifaffordedanopportunityfor"throwingtheyoungpeopletogether，"andassuchshewelcomedit。Mr。HoraceBordenbywasayoungmanwithquitesubstantialprospects，andhehaddancedwithBerylatalocalsubscriptionballasufficientnumberoftimestowarranttheauthorisedinquiryonthepartoftheneighbourswhether"therewasanythinginit。"ThoughMrs。Steffinkwouldnothaveputitinsomanywords，shesharedtheideaoftheRussianpeasantrythatonthisnightthebeastmightspeak。
Thecow-housestoodatthejunctionofthegardenwithasmallpaddock，anisolatedsurvival，inasuburbanneighbourhood；ofwhathadoncebeenasmallfarm。LukeSteffinkwascomplacentlyproudofhiscow-houseandhistwocows；hefeltthattheygavehimastampofsoliditywhichnonumberofWyandottesorOrpingtonscouldimpart。Theyevenseemedtolinkhiminasortofinconsequentwaywiththosepatriarchswhoderivedimportancefromtheirfloatingcapitalofflocksandherbs，he-assesandshe-asses。Ithadbeenananxiousandmomentousoccasionwhenhehadhadtodecidedefinitelybetween"theByre"and"theRanch"forthenamingofhisvillaresidence。ADecembermidnightwashardlythemomenthewouldhavechosenforshowinghisfarm-buildingtovisitors，butsinceitwasafinenight，andtheyoungpeoplewereanxiousforanexcuseforamildfrolic，Lukeconsentedtochaperontheexpedition。Theservantshadlongsincegonetobed，sothehousewasleftinchargeofBertie，whoscornfullydeclinedtostiroutonthepretextoflisteningtobovineconversation。
"Wemustgoquietly，"saidLuke，asheheadedtheprocessionofgigglingyoungfolk，broughtupintherearbytheshawledandhoodedfigureofMrs。Steffink；"I'vealwayslaidstressonkeepingthisaquietandorderlyneighbourhood。"
Itwasafewminutestomidnightwhenthepartyreachedthecow-
houseandmadeitswayinbythelightofLuke'sstablelantern。
Foramomenteveryonestoodinsilence，almostwithafeelingofbeinginchurch。
"Daisy——theonelyingdown——isbyashorthornbulloutofaGuernseycow，"announcedLukeinahushedvoice，whichwasinkeepingwiththeforegoingimpression。
"Isshe？"saidBordenby，ratherasifhehadexpectedhertobebyRembrandt。
"Myrtleis——"
Myrtle'sfamilyhistorywascutshortbyalittlescreamfromthewomenoftheparty。
Thecow-housedoorhadclosednoiselesslybehindthemandthekeyhadturnedgratinglyinthelock；thentheyheardBertie'svoicepleasantlywishingthemgood-nightandhisfootstepsretreatingalongthegardenpath。
LukeSteffinkstrodetothewindow；itwasasmallsquareopeningoftheold-fashionedsort，withironbarsletintothestonework。
"Unlockthedoorthisinstant，"heshouted，withasmuchairofmenacingauthorityasahenmightassumewhenscreamingthroughthebarsofacoopatamaraudinghawk。Inreplytohissummonsthehall-doorclosedwithadefiantbang。
Aneighbouringclockstruckthehourofmidnight。Ifthecowshadreceivedthegiftofhumanspeechatthatmomenttheywouldnothavebeenabletomakethemselvesheard。SevenoreightothervoiceswereengagedindescribingBertie'spresentconductandhisgeneralcharacteratahighpressureofexcitementandindignation。
InthecourseofhalfanhourorsoeverythingthatitwaspermissibletosayaboutBertiehadbeensaidsomedozensoftimes，andothertopicsbegantocometothefront——theextrememustinessofthecow-house，thepossibilityofitcatchingfire，andtheprobabilityofitbeingaRowtonHouseforthevagrantratsoftheneighbourhood。Andstillnosignofdeliverancecametotheunwillingvigil-keepers。
Towardsoneo'clockthesoundofratherboisterousandundisciplinedcarol-singingapproachedrapidly，andcametoasuddenanchorage，apparentlyjustoutsidethegarden-gate。Amotor-loadofyouthful"bloods，"inahighstateofconviviality，hadmadeatemporaryhaltforrepairs；thestoppage，however，didnotextendtothevocaleffortsoftheparty，andthewatchersinthecow-shedweretreatedtoahighlyunauthorisedrenderingof"GoodKingWenceslas，"inwhichtheadjective"good"appearedtobeverycarelesslyapplied。
ThenoisehadtheeffectofbringingBertieoutintothegarden，butheutterlyignoredthepale，angryfacespeeringoutatthecow-
housewindow，andconcentratedhisattentionontherevellersoutsidethegate。
"Wassail，youchaps！"heshouted。
"Wassail，oldsport！"theyshoutedback；"we'djollywelldrinky'rhealth，onlywe'venothingtodrinkitin。"
"Comeandwassailinside，"saidBertiehospitably；"I'mallalone，andthere'sheap'sof'wet'。"
Theyweretotalstrangers，buthistouchofkindnessmadetheminstantlyhiskin。InanothermomenttheunauthorisedversionofKingWenceslas，which，likemanyotherscandals，grewworseonrepetition，wentechoingupthegardenpath；twooftherevellersgaveanimpromptuperformanceonthewaybyexecutingthestaircasewaltzuptheterracesofwhatLukeSteffink，hithertowithsomejustification，calledhisrock-garden。Therockpartofitwasstilltherewhenthewaltzhadbeenaccordeditsthirdencore。
Luke，morethaneverlikeacoopedhenbehindthecow-housebars，wasinapositiontorealisethefeelingsofconcert-goersunabletocountermandthecallforanencorewhichtheyneitherdesireordeserve。
ThehalldoorclosedwithabangonBertie'sguests，andthesoundsofmerrimentbecamefaintandmuffledtothewearywatchersattheotherendofthegarden。Presentlytwoominouspops，inquicksuccession，madethemselvesdistinctlyheard。
"They'vegotatthechampagne！"exclaimedMrs。Steffink。
"Perhapsit'sthesparklingMoselle，"saidLukehopefully。
Threeorfourmorepopswereheard。
"ThechampagneandthesparklingMoselle，"saidMrs。Steffink。
Lukeuncorkedanexpletivewhich，likebrandyinatemperancehousehold，wasonlyusedonrareemergencies。Mr。HoraceBordenbyhadbeenmakinguseofsimilarexpressionsunderhisbreathforaconsiderabletimepast。Theexperimentof"throwingtheyoungpeopletogether"hadbeenprolongedbeyondapointwhenitwaslikelytoproduceanyromanticresult。
Somefortyminuteslaterthehalldooropenedanddisgorgedacrowdthathadthrownoffanyrestraintofshynessthatmighthaveinfluenceditsearlieractions。Itsvocaleffortsinthedirectionofcarolsingingwerenowsupplementedbyinstrumentalmusic；aChristmas-treethathadbeenpreparedforthechildrenofthegardenerandotherhouseholdretainershadyieldedarichspoiloftintrumpets，rattles，anddrums。Thelife-storyofKingWenceslashadbeendropped，Lukewasthankfultonotice，butitwasintenselyirritatingforthechilledprisonersinthecow-housetobetoldthatitwasahottimeintheoldtownto-night，togetherwithsomeaccuratebutentirelysuperfluousinformationastotheimminenceofChristmasmorning。Judgingbytheprotestswhichbegantobeshoutedfromtheupperwindowsofneighbouringhousesthesentimentsprevailinginthecow-housewereheartilyechoedinotherquarters。
Therevellersfoundtheircar，and，whatwasmoreremarkable，managedtodriveoffinit，withapartingfanfareoftintrumpets。
Thelivelybeatofadrumdisclosedthefactthatthemasteroftherevelsremainedonthescene。
"Bertie！"cameinanangry，imploringchorusofshoutsandscreamsfromthecow-housewindow。
"Hullo，"criedtheownerofthename，turninghisrathererrantstepsinthedirectionofthesummons；"areyoupeoplestillthere？
Musthaveheardeverythingcowsgottosaybythistime。Ifyouhaven't，nousewaiting。Afterall，it'saRussianlegend，andRussianChrismushEvenotduefor'notherfortnight。Bettercomeout。"
Afteroneortwoineffectualattemptshemanagedtopitchthekeyofthecow-housedoorinthroughthewindow。Then，liftinghisvoiceinthestrainsof"I'mafraidtogohomeinthedark，"withalustydrumaccompaniment，heledthewaybacktothehouse。Thehurriedprocessionofthereleasedthatfollowedinhisstepscameinforagooddealoftheadversecommentthathisexuberantdisplayhadevoked。
ItwasthehappiestChristmasEvehehadeverspent。Toquotehisownwords，hehadarottenChristmas。
FOREWARNED
AlethiaDebchancesatinacornerofanotherwiseemptyrailwaycarriage，moreorlessateaseasregardedbody，butinsometrepidationastomind。Shehadembarkedonasocialadventureofnolittlemagnitudeascomparedwiththeaccustomedseclusionandstagnationofherpastlife。Attheageoftwenty-eightshecouldlookbackonnothingmoreeventfulthanthedailyroundofherexistenceinheraunt'shouseatWebblehinton，ahamletfourandahalfmilesdistantfromacountrytownandaboutaquarterofacenturyremovedfrommoderntimes。Theirneighbourshadbeenelderlyandfew，notmuchgiventosocialintercourse，buthelpfulorpolitelysympatheticintimesofillness。Newspapersoftheordinarykindwereararity；thosethatAlethiasawregularlyweredevotedexclusivelyeithertoreligionortopoultry，andtheworldofpoliticswastoheranunheededunexploredregion。Herideasonlifeingeneralhadbeenacquiredthroughthemediumofpopularrespectablenovel-writers，andmodifiedoremphasisedbysuchknowledgeasheraunt，thevicar，andheraunt'shousekeeperhadputatherdisposal。Andnow，inhertwenty-ninthyear，heraunt'sdeathhadlefther，wellprovidedforasregardsincome，butsomewhatisolatedinthematterofkithandkinandhumancompanionship。Shehadsomecousinswhowereontermsoffriendly，thoughinfrequent，correspondencewithher，butastheylivedpermanentlyinCeylon，alocalityaboutwhichsheknewlittle，beyondtheassurancecontainedinthemissionaryhymnthatthehumanelementtherewasvile，theywerenotofmuchimmediateusetoher。
Othercousinsshealsopossessed，moredistantasregardsrelationship，butnotquitesogeographicallyremote，seeingthattheylivedsomewhereintheMidlands。Shecouldhardlyremembereverhavingmetthem，butonceortwiceinthecourseofthelastthreeorfouryearstheyhadexpressedapolitewishthatsheshouldpaythemavisit；theyhadprobablynotbeenundulydepressedbythefactthatheraunt'sfailinghealthhadpreventedherfromacceptingtheirinvitation。Thenoteofcondolencethathadarrivedontheoccasionofheraunt'sdeathhadincludedavaguehopethatAlethiawouldfindtimeinthenearfuturetospendafewdayswithhercousins，andaftermuchdeliberationandmanyhesitationsshehadwrittentoproposeherselfasaguestforadefinitedatesomeweekahead。Thefamily，shereflectedwithrelief，wasnotalargeone；
thetwodaughtersweremarriedandaway，therewasonlyoldMrs。
BludwardandhersonRobertathome。Mrs。Bludwardwassomethingofaninvalid，andRobertwasayoungmanwhohadbeenatOxfordandwasgoingintoParliament。FurtherthanthatAlethia'sinformationdidnotgo；herimagination，foundedonherextensiveknowledgeofthepeopleonemetinnovels，hadtosupplythegaps。Themotherwasnotdifficulttoplace；shewouldeitherbeanultra-amiableoldlady，bearingherfeeblehealthwithuncomplainingfortitude，andhavingakindwordforthegardener'sboyandasunnysmileforthechancevisitor，orelseshewouldbecoldandpeevish，witheyesthatpiercedyoulikeagimlet，andaunreasoningidolatryofherson。Alethia'simaginationratherinclinedhertothelatterview。
Robertwasmoreofaproblem。Therewerethreedominanttypesofmanhoodtobetakenintoconsiderationinworkingouthisclassification；therewasHugo，whowasstrong，good，andbeautiful，araretypeandnotveryoftenmetwith；therewasSirJasper，whowasutterlyvileandabsolutelyunscrupulous，andtherewasNevil，whowasnotreallybadatheart，buthadaweakmouthandusuallyrequiredthelife-workoftwogoodwomentokeephimfromultimatedisaster。Itwasprobable，Alethiaconsidered，thatRobertcameintothelastcategory，inwhichcaseshewascertaintoenjoythecompanionshipofoneortwoexcellentwomen，andmightpossiblycatchglimpsesofundesirableadventuressesorcomefacetofacewithrecklessadmiration-seekingmarriedwomen。Itwasaltogetheranexcitingprospect，thissuddenventureintoanunexploredworldofunknownhumanbeings，andAlethiaratherwishedthatshecouldhavetakenthevicarwithher；shewasnot，however，richorimportantenoughtotravelwithachaplain，astheMarquisofMoystoncleughalwaysdidinthenovelshehadjustbeenreading，sosherecognisedthatsuchaproceedingwasoutofthequestion。
ThetrainwhichcarriedAlethiatowardsherdestinationwasalocalone，withthewaysidestationhabitstronglydeveloped。Atmostofthestationsnooneseemedtowanttogetintothetrainortoleaveit，butatonetherewereseveralmarketfolkontheplatform，andtwomen，ofthefarmerorsmallcattle-dealerclass，enteredAlethia'scarriage。Apparentlytheyhadjustforegathered，afteraday'sbusiness，andtheirconversationconsistedofarapidexchangeofshortfriendlyinquiriesastohealth，family，stock，andsoforth，andsomegrumblingremarksontheweather。Suddenly，however，theirtalktookadramaticallyinterestingturn，andAlethialistenedwithwide-eyedattention。
"WhatdoyouthinkofMisterRobertBludward，eh？"
Therewasacertainscornfulringinhisquestion。
"RobertBludward？Anout-an'-outrotter，that'swhatheis。Oughttobeashamedtolookanydecentmanintheface。SendhimtoParliamenttorepresentus——notmuch！He'drobapoormanofhislastshilling，hewould。"
"Ah，thathewould。Tellsapackofliestogetourvotes，that'sallthathe'safter，damnhim。DidyouseethewaytheArgusshowedhimupthisweek？Properlyexposedhim，hipandthigh，Itellyou。"
Andsoontheyran，intheirwitheringindictment。TherecouldbenodoubtthatitwasAlethia'scousinandprospectivehosttowhomtheywerereferring；theallusiontoaParliamentarycandidaturesettledthat。WhatcouldRobertBludwardhavedone，whatmannerofmancouldhebe，thatpeopleshouldspeakofhimwithsuchobviousreprobation？
"HewashisseddownatShoalfordyesterday，"saidoneofthespeakers。
Hissed！Haditcometothat？TherewassomethingdramaticallybiblicalintheideaofRobertBludward'sneighboursandacquaintanceshissinghimforveryscorn。LordHerewardStranglathhadbeenhissed，nowAlethiacametothinkofit，intheeighthchapterofMatterbyTowers，whileintheactofopeningaWesleyanbazaar，becausehewassuspected（unjustlyasitturnedoutafterwards）ofhavingbeatentheGermangovernesstodeath。AndinTaintedGuineasRoperSquenderbyhadbeendeservedlyhissed，onthestepsoftheJockeyClub，forhavinghandedarivalowneraforgedtelegram，containingfalsenewsofhismother'sdeath，justbeforethestartforanimportantrace，therebyensuringthewithdrawalofhisrival'shorse。InplacidSaxon-bloodedEnglandpeopledidnotdemonstratetheirfeelingslightlyandwithoutsomestrongcompellingcause。WhatmannerofevildoerwasRobertBludward？
Thetrainstoppedatanothersmallstation，andthetwomengotout。
OneofthemleftbehindhimacopyoftheArgus，thelocalpapertowhichhehadmadereference。Alethiapouncedonit，intheexpectationoffindingaculturedliteraryendorsementofthecensurewhichtheseroughfarmingmenhadexpressedintheirhomely，honestway。Shehadnotfartolook；"Mr。RobertBludward，Swanker，"wasthetitleofoneoftheprincipalarticlesinthepaper。Shedidnotexactlyknowwhataswankerwas，probablyitreferredtosomeunspeakableformofcruelty，butshereadenoughinthefirstfewsentencesofthearticletodiscoverthathercousinRobert，themanatwhosehouseshewasabouttostay，wasanunscrupulous，unprincipledcharacter，ofaloworderofintelligence，yetcunningwithal，andthatheandhisassociateswereresponsibleformostofthemisery，disease，poverty，andignorancewithwhichthecountrywasafflicted；never，exceptinoneortwoofthedenunciatoryPsalms，whichshehadalwayssupposedtohavebewritteninaspiritofexaggeratedOrientalimagery，hadshereadsuchanindictmentofahumanbeing。AndthismonsterwasgoingtomeetheratDerreltonStationinafewshortminutes。Shewouldknowhimatonce；hewouldhavethedarkbeetlingbrows，thequick，furtiveglance，thesneering，unsavourysmilethatalwayscharacterisedtheSirJaspersofthisworld。Itwastoolatetoescape；shemustforceherselftomeethimwithoutwardcalm。
ItwasaconsiderableshocktohertofindthatRobertwasfair，withasnubnose，merryeye，andratheraschoolboymanner。"A
serpentinduckling'splumage，"washerprivatecomment；mercifulchancehadrevealedhimtoherinhistruecolours。
Astheydroveawayfromthestationadissipated-lookingmanofthelabouringclasswavedhishatinfriendlysalute。"Goodlucktoyou，Mr。Bludward，"heshouted；"you'llcomeoutontop！We'llbreakoldChobham'sneckforhim。"
"Whowasthatman？"askedAlethiaquickly。
"Oh，oneofmysupporters，"laughedRobert；"abitofapoacherandabitofapub-loafer，buthe'sontherightside。"
SothesewerethesortofassociatesthatRobertBludwardconsortedwith，thoughtAlethia。
"WhoisthepersonhereferredtoasoldChobham？"sheasked。
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