Contents：
TheToysofPeaceLouiseTeaTheDisappearanceofCrispinaUmberleighTheWolvesofCernogratzLouisTheGuestsThePenanceThePhantomLuncheonABreadandButterMissBertie'sChristmasEveForewarnedTheInterlopersQuailSeedCanossaTheThreatExceptingMrs。PentherbyMarkTheHedgehogTheMappinedLifeFateTheBullMorlveraShockTacticsTheSevenCreamJugsTheOccasionalGardenTheSheepTheOversightHyacinthTheImageoftheLostSoulThePurpleoftheBalkanKingsTheCupboardoftheYesterdaysFortheDurationoftheWarTHETOYSOFPEACE
"Harvey，"saidEleanorBope，handingherbrotheracuttingfromaLondonmorningpaperofthe19thofMarch，"justreadthisaboutchildren'stoys，please；itexactlycarriesoutsomeofourideasaboutinfluenceandupbringing。"
"IntheviewoftheNationalPeaceCouncil，"rantheextract，"therearegraveobjectionstopresentingourboyswithregimentsoffightingmen，batteriesofguns，andsquadronsof'Dreadnoughts。'
Boys，theCounciladmits，naturallylovefightingandallthepanoplyofwar……butthatisnoreasonforencouraging，andperhapsgivingpermanentformto，theirprimitiveinstincts。AttheChildren'sWelfareExhibition，whichopensatOlympiainthreeweeks'time，thePeaceCouncilwillmakeanalternativesuggestiontoparentsintheshapeofanexhibitionof'peacetoys。'Infrontofaspecially-paintedrepresentationofthePeacePalaceatTheHaguewillbegrouped，notminiaturesoldiersbutminiaturecivilians，notgunsbutploughsandthetoolsofindustry……Itishopedthatmanufacturersmaytakeahintfromtheexhibit，whichwillbearfruitinthetoyshops。"
"Theideaiscertainlyaninterestingandverywell-meaningone，"
saidHarvey；"whetheritwouldsucceedwellinpractice——"
"Wemusttry，"interruptedhissister；"youarecomingdowntousatEaster，andyoualwaysbringtheboyssometoys，sothatwillbeanexcellentopportunityforyoutoinauguratethenewexperiment。Goaboutintheshopsandbuyanylittletoysandmodelsthathavespecialbearingoncivilianlifeinitsmorepeacefulaspects。Ofcourseyoumustexplainthetoystothechildrenandinteresttheminthenewidea。Iregrettosaythatthe'SiegeofAdrianople'
toy，thattheirAuntSusansentthem，didn'tneedanyexplanation；
theyknewalltheuniformsandflags，andeventhenamesoftherespectivecommanders，andwhenIheardthemonedayusingwhatseemedtobethemostobjectionablelanguagetheysaiditwasBulgarianwordsofcommand；ofcourseitMAYhavebeen，butatanyrateItookthetoyawayfromthem。NowIshallexpectyourEastergiftstogivequiteanewimpulseanddirectiontothechildren'sminds；Ericisnotelevenyet，andBertieisonlynine-and-a-half，sotheyarereallyatamostimpressionableage。"
"Thereisprimitiveinstincttobetakenintoconsideration，youknow，"saidHenrydoubtfully，"andhereditarytendenciesaswell。
Oneoftheirgreat-unclesfoughtinthemostintolerantfashionatInkerman——hewasspeciallymentionedindispatches，Ibelieve——andtheirgreat-grandfathersmashedallhisWhigneighbours'hothouseswhenthegreatReformBillwaspassed。Still，asyousay，theyareatanimpressionableage。Iwilldomybest。"
OnEasterSaturdayHarveyBopeunpackedalarge，promising-lookingredcardboardboxundertheexpectanteyesofhisnephews。"Yourunclehasbroughtyouthenewestthingintoys，"Eleanorhadsaidimpressively，andyouthfulanticipationhadbeenanxiouslydividedbetweenAlbaniansoldieryandaSomalicamel-corps。Ericwashotlyinfavourofthelattercontingency。"TherewouldbeArabsonhorseback，"hewhispered；"theAlbanianshavegotjollyuniforms，andtheyfightalldaylong，andallnight，too，whenthere'samoon，butthecountry'srocky，sothey'vegotnocavalry。"
Aquantityofcrinklypapershavingswasthefirstthingthatmettheviewwhenthelidwasremoved；themostexitingtoysalwaysbeganlikethat。Harveypushedbackthetoplayeranddrewforthasquare，ratherfeaturelessbuilding。
"It'safort！"exclaimedBertie。
"Itisn't，it'sthepalaceoftheMpretofAlbania，"saidEric，immenselyproudofhisknowledgeoftheexotictitle；"it'sgotnowindows，yousee，sothatpassers-bycan'tfireinattheRoyalFamily。"
"It'samunicipaldust-bin，"saidHarveyhurriedly；"youseealltherefuseandlitterofatowniscollectedthere，insteadoflyingaboutandinjuringthehealthofthecitizens。"
Inanawfulsilencehedisinterredalittleleadfigureofamaninblackclothes。
"That，"hesaid，"isadistinguishedcivilian，JohnStuartMill。Hewasanauthorityonpoliticaleconomy。"
"Why？"askedBertie。
"Well，hewantedtobe；hethoughtitwasausefulthingtobe。"
Bertiegaveanexpressivegrunt，whichconveyedhisopinionthattherewasnoaccountingfortastes。
Anothersquarebuildingcameout，thistimewithwindowsandchimneys。
"AmodeloftheManchesterbranchoftheYoungWomen'sChristianAssociation，"saidHarvey。
"Arethereanylions？"askedErichopefully。HehadbeenreadingRomanhistoryandthoughtthatwhereyoufoundChristiansyoumightreasonablyexpecttofindafewlions。
"Therearenolions，"saidHarvey。"Hereisanothercivilian，RobertRaikes，thefounderofSundayschools，andhereisamodelofamunicipalwash-house。Theselittleroundthingsareloavesbackedinasanitarybakehouse。Thatleadfigureisasanitaryinspector，thisoneisadistrictcouncillor，andthisoneisanofficialoftheLocalGovernmentBoard。"
"Whatdoeshedo？"askedEricwearily。
"HeseestothingsconnectedwithhisDepartment，"saidHarvey。
"Thisboxwithaslitinitisaballot-box。Votesareputintoitatelectiontimes。"
"Whatisputintoitatothertimes？"askedBertie。
"Nothing。Andherearesometoolsofindustry，awheelbarrowandahoe，andIthinkthesearemeantforhop-poles。Thisisamodelbeehive，andthatisaventilator，forventilatingsewers。Thisseemstobeanothermunicipaldust-bin——no，itisamodelofaschoolofartandpubliclibrary。ThislittleleadfigureisMrs。
Hemans，apoetess，andthisisRowlandHill，whointroducedthesystemofpennypostage。ThisisSirJohnHerschel，theeminentastrologer。"
"Arewetoplaywiththesecivilianfigures？"askedEric。
"Ofcourse，"saidHarvey，"thesearetoys；theyaremeanttobeplayedwith。"
"Buthow？"
Itwasratheraposer。"YoumightmaketwoofthemcontestaseatinParliament，"saidHarvey，"anhaveanelection——"
"Withrotteneggs，andfreefights，andeversomanybrokenheads！"
exclaimedEric。
"Andnosesallbleedingandeverybodydrunkascanbe，"echoedBertie，whohadcarefullystudiedoneofHogarth'spictures。
"Nothingofthekind，"saidHarvey，"nothingintheleastlikethat。
Voteswillbeputintheballot-box，andtheMayorwillcountthem——
andhewillsaywhichhasreceivedthemostvotes，andthenthetwocandidateswillthankhimforpresiding，andeachwillsaythatthecontesthasbeenconductedthroughoutinthepleasantestandmoststraightforwardfashion，andtheypartwithexpressionsofmutualesteem。There'sajollygameforyouboystoplay。IneverhadsuchtoyswhenIwasyoung。"
"Idon'tthinkwe'llplaywiththemjustnow，"saidEric，withanentireabsenceoftheenthusiasmthathisunclehadshown；"Ithinkperhapsweoughttodoalittleofourholidaytask。It'shistorythistime；we'vegottolearnupsomethingabouttheBourbonperiodinFrance。"
"TheBourbonperiod，"saidHarvey，withsomedisapprovalinhisvoice。
"We'vegottoknowsomethingaboutLouistheFourteenth，"continuedEric；"I'velearntthenamesofalltheprincipalbattlesalready。"
Thiswouldneverdo。"Therewere，ofcourse，somebattlesfoughtduringhisreign，"saidHarvey，"butIfancytheaccountsofthemweremuchexaggerated；newswasveryunreliableinthosedays，andtherewerepracticallynowarcorrespondents，sogeneralsandcommanderscouldmagnifyeverylittleskirmishtheyengagedintilltheyreachedtheproportionsofdecisivebattles。Louiswasreallyfamous，now，asalandscapegardener；thewayhelaidoutVersailleswassomuchadmiredthatitwascopiedalloverEurope。"
"DoyouknowanythingaboutMadameDuBarry？"askedEric；"didn'tshehaveherheadchoppedoff？"
"Shewasanothergreatloverofgardening，"saidHarvey，evasively；
"infact，IbelievethewellknownroseDuBarrywasnamedafterher，andnowIthinkyouhadbetterplayforalittleandleaveyourlessonstilllater。"
Harveyretreatedtothelibraryandspentsomethirtyorfortyminutesinwonderingwhetheritwouldbepossibletocompileahistory，foruseinelementaryschools，inwhichthereshouldbenoprominentmentionofbattles，massacres，murderousintrigues，andviolentdeaths。TheYorkandLancasterperiodandtheNapoleonicerawould，headmittedtohimself，presentconsiderabledifficulties，andtheThirtyYears'Warwouldentailsomethingofagapifyouleftitoutaltogether。Still，itwouldbesomethinggainedif，atahighlyimpressionableage，childrencouldbegottofixtheirattentionontheinventionofcalicoprintinginsteadoftheSpanishArmadaortheBattleofWaterloo。
Itwastime，hethought，togobacktotheboys'room，andseehowtheyweregettingonwiththeirpeacetoys。AshestoodoutsidethedoorhecouldhearEric'svoiceraisedincommand；Bertiechimedinnowandagainwithahelpfulsuggestion。
"ThatisLouistheFourteenth，"Ericwassaying，"thatoneinknee-
breeches，thatUnclesaidinventedSundayschools。Itisn'tabitlikehim，butit'llhavetodo。"
"We'llgivehimapurplecoatfrommypaintboxbyandby，"saidBertie。
"Yes，an'redheels。ThatisMadamedeMaintenon，thatonehecalledMrs。Hemans。ShebegsLouisnottogoonthisexpedition，butheturnsadeafear。HetakesMarshalSaxewithhim，andwemustpretendthattheyhavethousandsofmenwiththem。ThewatchwordisQuivive？andtheanswerisL'etatc'estmoi——thatwasoneofhisfavouriteremarks，youknow。TheylandatManchesterinthedeadofthenight，andaJacobiteconspiratorgivesthemthekeysofthefortress。"
PeepinginthroughthedoorwayHarveyobservedthatthemunicipaldustbinhadbeenpiercedwithholestoaccommodatethemuzzlesofimaginarycannon，andnowrepresentedtheprincipalfortifiedpositioninManchester；JohnStuartMillhadbeendippedinredink，andapparentlystoodforMarshalSaxe。
"LouisordershistroopstosurroundtheYoungWomen'sChristianAssociationandseizethelotofthem。'OncebackattheLouvreandthegirlsaremine，'heexclaims。WemustuseMrs。Hemansagainforoneofthegirls；shesays'Never，'andstabsMarshalSaxetotheheart。"
"Hebleedsdreadfully，"exclaimedBertie，splashingredinkliberallyoverthefacadeoftheAssociationbuilding。
"Thesoldiersrushinandavengehisdeathwiththeutmostsavagery。
Ahundredgirlsarekilled"——hereBertieemptiedtheremainderoftheredinkoverthedevotedbuilding——"andthesurvivingfivehundredaredraggedofftotheFrenchships。'IhavelostaMarshal，'saysLouis，'butIdonotgobackempty-handed。'"
Harveystoleawayfromtheroom，andsoughtouthissister。
"Eleanor，"hesaid，"theexperiment——"
"Yes？"
"Hasfailed。Wehavebeguntoolate。"
LOUISE
"Theteawillbequitecold，you'dbetterringforsomemore，"saidtheDowagerLadyBeanford。
SusanLadyBeanfordwasavigorousoldwomanwhohadcoquettedwithimaginaryill-healthforthegreaterpartofalifetime；ClovisSangrailirreverentlydeclaredthatshehadcaughtachillattheCoronationofQueenVictoriaandhadneverletitgoagain。Hersister，JaneThropplestance，whowassomeyearsherjunior，waschieflyremarkableforbeingthemostabsent-mindedwomaninMiddlesex。
"I'vereallybeenunusuallycleverthisafternoon，"sheremarkedgaily，assherangforthetea。"I'vecalledonallthepeopleI
meanttocallon；andI'vedonealltheshoppingthatIsetouttodo。IevenrememberedtotryandmatchthatsilkforyouatHarrod's，butI'dforgottentobringthepatternwithme，soitwasnouse。IreallythinkthatwastheonlyimportantthingIforgotduringthewholeafternoon。Quitewonderfulforme，isn'tit？"
"WhathaveyoudonewithLouise？"askedhersister。"Didn'tyoutakeheroutwithyou？Yousaidyouweregoingto。"
"Goodgracious，"exclaimedJane，"whathaveIdonewithLouise？I
musthavelefthersomewhere。"
"Butwhere？"
"That'sjustit。WherehaveIlefther？Ican'trememberiftheCarrywoodswereathomeorifIjustleftcards。IftherewereathomeImayhaveleftLouisetheretoplaybridge。I'llgoandtelephonetoLordCarrywoodandfindout。"
"Isthatyou，LordCarrywood？"shequeriedoverthetelephone；"it'sme，JaneThropplestance。Iwanttoknow，haveyouseenLouise？"
"'Louise，'"cametheanswer，"it'sbeenmyfatetoseeitthreetimes。Atfirst，Imustadmit，Iwasn'timpressedbyit，butthemusicgrowsononeafterabit。Still，Idon'tthinkIwanttoseeitagainjustatpresent。Wereyougoingtooffermeaseatinyourbox？"
"Nottheopera'Louise'——myniece，LouiseThropplestance。IthoughtImighthaveleftheratyourhouse。"
"Youleftcardsonusthisafternoon，Iunderstand，butIdon'tthinkyouleftaniece。Thefootmanwouldhavebeensuretohavementioneditifyouhad。Isitgoingtobeafashiontoleaveniecesonpeopleaswellascards？Ihopenot；someofthesehousesinBerkeley-squarehavepracticallynoaccommodationforthatsortofthing。"
"She'snotattheCarrywoods'，"announcedJane，returningtohertea；"nowIcometothinkofit，perhapsIleftheratthesilkcounteratSelfridge's。ImayhavetoldhertowaitthereamomentwhileIwenttolookatthesilksinabetterlight，andImayeasilyhaveforgottenaboutherwhenIfoundIhadn'tyourpatternwithme。Inthatcaseshe'sstillsittingthere。Shewouldn'tmoveunlessshewastoldto；Louisehasnoinitiative。"
"YousaidyoutriedtomatchthesilkatHarrod's，"interjectedthedowager。
"DidI？PerhapsitwasHarrod's。Ireallydon'tremember。Itwasoneofthoseplaceswhereeveryoneissokindandsympatheticanddevotedthatonealmosthatestotakeevenareelofcottonawayfromsuchpleasantsurroundings。"
"IthinkyoumighthavetakenLouiseaway。Idon'tliketheideaofherbeingthereamongalotofstrangers。Supposingsomeunprincipledpersonwastogetintoconversationwithher。"
"Impossible。Louisehasnoconversation。I'veneverdiscoveredasingletopiconwhichshe'danythingtosaybeyond'Doyouthinkso？
Idaresayyou'reright。'IreallythoughtherreticenceaboutthefalloftheRibotMinistrywasridiculous，consideringhowmuchherdearmotherusedtovisitParis。Thisbreadandbutteriscutfartoothin；itcrumblesawaylongbeforeyoucangetittoyourmouth。
Onefeelssoabsurd，snappingatone'sfoodinmid-air，likeatroutleapingatmay-fly。"
"Iamrathersurprised，"saidthedowager，"thatyoucansittheremakingaheartyteawhenyou'vejustlostafavouriteniece。"
"YoutalkasifI'dlostherinachurchyardsense，insteadofhavingtemporarilymislaidher。I'msuretorememberpresentlywhereIlefther。"
"Youdidn'tvisitanyplaceofdevotion，didyou？Ifyou'velefthermooningaboutWestminsterAbbeyorSt。Peter's，EatonSquare，withoutbeingabletogiveanysatisfactoryreasonwhyshe'sthere，she'llbeseizedundertheCatandMouseActandsenttoReginaldMcKenna。"
"Thatwouldbeextremelyawkward，"saidJane，meetinganirresolutepieceofbreadandbutterhalfway；"wehardlyknowtheMcKennas，anditwouldbeverytiresomehavingtotelephonetosomeunsympatheticprivatesecretary，describingLouisetohimandaskingtohavehersentbackintimefordinner。Fortunately，Ididn'tgotoanyplaceofdevotion，thoughIdidgetmixedupwithaSalvationArmyprocession。Itwasquiteinterestingtobeatclosequarterswiththem，they'resoabsolutelydifferenttowhattheyusedtobewhenI
firstremembertheminthe'eighties。Theyusedtogoaboutthenunkemptanddishevelled，inasortofsmilingragewiththeworld，andnowthey'respruceandjauntyandflamboyantlydecorative，likeageraniumbedwithreligiousconvictions。LauraKettlewaywasgoingonaboutthemintheliftoftheDoverStreetTubetheotherday，sayingwhatalotofgoodworktheydid，andwhatalossitwouldhavebeenifthey'dneverexisted。'Iftheyhadneverexisted，'Isaid，'GranvilleBarkerwouldhavebeencertaintohaveinventedsomethingthatlookedexactlylikethem。'Ifyousaythingslikethat，quiteloud，inaTubelift，theyalwayssoundlikeepigrams。"
"IthinkyououghttodosomethingaboutLouise，"saidthedowager。
"I'mtryingtothinkwhethershewaswithmewhenIcalledonAdaSpelvexit。Iratherenjoyedmyselfthere。Adawastrying，asusual，toramthatodiousKoriatoffskiwomandownmythroat，knowingperfectlywellthatIdetesther，andinanunguardedmomentshesaid：'She'sleavingherpresenthouseandgoingtoLowerSeymourStreet。''Idaresayshewill，ifshestaystherelongenough，'I
said。Adadidn'tseeitforaboutthreeminutes，andthenshewaspositivelyuncivil。No，IamcertainIdidn'tleaveLouisethere。"
"IfyoucouldmanagetorememberwhereyouDIDleaveher，itwouldbemoretothepointthanthesenegativeassurances，"saidLadyBeanford；"sofar，allweknowisthatsheisnotattheCarrywoods'，orAdaSpelvexit's，orWestminsterAbbey。"
"Thatnarrowsthesearchdownabit，"saidJanehopefully；"IratherfancyshemusthavebeenwithmewhenIwenttoMornay's。IknowI
wenttoMornay's，becauseIremembermeetingthatdelightfulMalcolmWhat's-his-namethere——youknowwhomImean。That'sthegreatadvantageofpeoplehavingunusualfirstnames，youneedn'ttryandrememberwhattheirothernameis。OfcourseIknowoneortwootherMalcolms，butnonethatcouldpossiblybedescribedasdelightful。HegavemetwoticketsfortheHappySundayEveningsinSloaneSquare。I'veprobablyleftthematMornay's，butstillitwasawfullykindofhimtogivethemtome。"
"DoyouthinkyouleftLouisethere？"
"Imighttelephoneandask。Oh，Robert，beforeyouclearthetea-
thingsawayIwishyou'dringupMornay's，inRegentStreet，andaskifIlefttwotheatreticketsandonenieceintheirshopthisafternoon。"
"Aniece，ma'am？"askedthefootman。
"Yes，MissLouisedidn'tcomehomewithme，andI'mnotsurewhereI
lefther。"
"MissLouisehasbeenupstairsalltheafternoon，ma'am，readingtothesecondkitchenmaid，whohastheneuralgia。ItookupteatoMissLouiseataquartertofiveo'clock，ma'am。"
"Ofcourse，howsillyofme。Iremembernow，IaskedhertoreadtheFaerieQueenetopoorEmma，totrytosendhertosleep。I
alwaysgetsomeonetoreadtheFaerieQueenetomewhenIhaveneuralgia，anditusuallysendsmetosleep。Louisedoesn'tseemtohavebeensuccessful，butonecan'tsayshehasn'ttried。Iexpectafterthefirsthourorsothekitchenmaidwouldratherhavebeenleftalonewithherneuralgia，butofcourseLouisewouldn'tleaveofftillsomeonetoldherto。Anyhow，youcanringupMornay's，Robert，andaskwhetherIlefttwotheatreticketsthere。Exceptforyoursilk，Susan，thoseseemtobetheonlythingsI'veforgottenthisafternoon。Quitewonderfulforme。"
TEA
JamesCushat-Prinklywasayoungmanwhohadalwayshadasettledconvictionthatoneofthesedayshewouldmarry；uptotheageofthirty-fourhehaddonenothingtojustifythatconviction。Helikedandadmiredagreatmanywomencollectivelyanddispassionatelywithoutsinglingoutoneforespecialmatrimonialconsideration，justasonemightadmiretheAlpswithoutfeelingthatonewantedanyparticularpeakasone'sownprivateproperty。
Hislackofinitiativeinthismatterarousedacertainamountofimpatienceamongthesentimentally-mindedwomen-folkofhishomecircle；hismother，hissisters，anaunt-in-residence，andtwoorthreeintimatematronlyfriendsregardedhisdilatoryapproachtothemarriedstatewithadisapprovalthatwasfarfrombeinginarticulate。Hismostinnocentflirtationswerewatchedwiththestrainingeagernesswhichagroupofunexercisedterriersconcentratesontheslightestmovementsofahumanbeingwhomaybereasonablyconsideredlikelytotakethemforawalk。Nodecent-
souledmortalcanlongresistthepleadingofseveralpairsofwalk-
beseechingdog-eyes；JamesCushat-Prinklywasnotsufficientlyobstinateorindifferenttohomeinfluencestodisregardtheobviouslyexpressedwishofhisfamilythatheshouldbecomeenamouredofsomenicemarriageablegirl，andwhenhisUncleJulesdepartedthislifeandbequeathedhimacomfortablelittlelegacyitreallyseemedthecorrectthingtodotosetaboutdiscoveringsomeonetoshareitwithhim。Theprocessofdiscoverywascarriedonmorebytheforceofsuggestionandtheweightofpublicopinionthanbyanyinitiativeofhisown；aclearworkingmajorityofhisfemalerelativesandtheaforesaidmatronlyfriendshadpitchedonJoanSebastableasthemostsuitableyoungwomaninhisrangeofacquaintancetowhomhemightproposemarriage，andJamesbecamegraduallyaccustomedtotheideathatheandJoanwouldgotogetherthroughtheprescribedstagesofcongratulations，present-receiving，NorwegianorMediterraneanhotels，andeventualdomesticity。Itwasnecessary，howevertoasktheladywhatshethoughtaboutthematter；thefamilyhadsofarconductedanddirectedtheflirtationwithabilityanddiscretion，buttheactualproposalwouldhavetobeanindividualeffort。
Cushat-PrinklywalkedacrosstheParktowardstheSebastableresidenceinaframeofmindthatwasmoderatelycomplacent。Asthethingwasgoingtobedonehewasgladtofeelthathewasgoingtogetitsettledandoffhismindthatafternoon。Proposingmarriage，eventoanicegirllikeJoan，wasaratherirksomebusiness，butonecouldnothaveahoneymooninMinorcaandasubsequentlifeofmarriedhappinesswithoutsuchpreliminary。HewonderedwhatMinorcawasreallylikeasaplacetostopin；inhismind'seyeitwasanislandinperpetualhalf-mourning，withblackorwhiteMinorcahensrunningalloverit。Probablyitwouldnotbeabitlikethatwhenonecametoexamineit。PeoplewhohadbeeninRussiahadtoldhimthattheydidnotrememberhavingseenanyMuscovyducksthere，soitwaspossiblethattherewouldbenoMinorcafowlsontheisland。
HisMediterraneanmusingswereinterruptedbythesoundofaclockstrikingthehalf-hour。Half-pastfour。Afrownofdissatisfactionsettledonhisface。HewouldarriveattheSebastablemansionjustatthehourofafternoontea。Joanwouldbeseatedatalowtable，spreadwithanarrayofsilverkettlesandcream-jugsanddelicateporcelaintea-cups，behindwhichhervoicewouldtinklepleasantlyinaseriesoflittlefriendlyquestionsaboutweakorstrongtea，howmuch，ifany，sugar，milk，cream，andsoforth。"Isitonelump？Iforgot。Youdotakemilk，don'tyou？Wouldyoulikesomemorehotwater，ifit'stoostrong？"
Cushat-Prinklyhadreadofsuchthingsinscoresofnovels，andhundredsofactualexperienceshadtoldhimthattheyweretruetolife。Thousandsofwomen，atthissolemnafternoonhour，weresittingbehinddaintyporcelainandsilverfittings，withtheirvoicestinklingpleasantlyinacascadeofsolicitouslittlequestions。Cushat-Prinklydetestedthewholesystemofafternoontea。Accordingtohistheoryoflifeawomanshouldlieonadivanorcouch，talkingwithincomparablecharmorlookingunutterablethoughts，ormerelysilentasathingtobelookedon，andfrombehindasilkencurtainasmallNubianpageshouldsilentlybringinatraywithcupsanddainties，tobeacceptedsilently，asamatterofcourse，withoutdrawn-outchatteraboutcreamandsugarandhotwater。Ifone'ssoulwasreallyenslavedatone'smistress'sfeethowcouldonetalkcoherentlyaboutweakenedtea？Cushat-Prinklyhadneverexpoundedhisviewsonthesubjecttohismother；allherlifeshehadbeenaccustomedtotinklepleasantlyattea-timebehinddaintyporcelainandsilver，andifhehadspokentoheraboutdivansandNubianpagesshewouldhaveurgedhimtotakeaweek'sholidayattheseaside。Now，ashepassedthroughatangleofsmallstreetsthatledindirectlytotheelegantMayfairterraceforwhichhewasbound，ahorrorattheideaofconfrontingJoanSebastableathertea-tableseizedonhim。Amomentarydeliverancepresenteditself；ononefloorofanarrowlittlehouseatthenoisierendofEsquimaultStreetlivedRhodaEllam，asortofremotecousin，whomadealivingbycreatinghatsoutofcostlymaterials。ThehatsreallylookedasiftheyhadcomefromParis；thechequesshegotforthemunfortunatelyneverlookedasiftheyweregoingtoParis。
However，Rhodaappearedtofindlifeamusingandtohaveafairlygoodtimeinspiteofherstraitenedcircumstances。Cushat-Prinklydecidedtoclimbuptoherflooranddeferbyhalf-an-hourorsotheimportantbusinesswhichlaybeforehim；byspinningouthisvisithecouldcontrivetoreachtheSebastablemansionafterthelastvestigesofdaintyporcelainhadbeenclearedaway。
Rhodawelcomedhimintoaroomthatseemedtododutyasworkshop，sitting-room，andkitchencombined，andtobewonderfullycleanandcomfortableatthesametime。
"I'mhavingapicnicmeal，"sheannounced。"There'scaviareinthatjaratyourelbow。Beginonthatbrownbread-and-butterwhileIcutsomemore。Findyourselfacup；theteapotisbehindyou。Nowtellmeabouthundredsofthings。"
Shemadenootherallusiontofood，buttalkedamusinglyandmadehervisitortalkamusinglytoo。Atthesametimeshecutthebread-
and-butterwithamasterlyskillandproducedredpepperandslicedlemon，wheresomanywomenwouldmerelyhaveproducedreasonsandregretsfornothavingany。Cushat-PrinklyfoundthathewasenjoyinganexcellentteawithouthavingtoanswerasmanyquestionsaboutitasaMinisterforAgriculturemightbecalledontoreplytoduringanoutbreakofcattleplague。
"Andnowtellmewhyyouhavecometoseeme，"saidRhodasuddenly。
"Youarousenotmerelymycuriositybutmybusinessinstincts。I
hopeyou'vecomeabouthats。Iheardthatyouhadcomeintoalegacytheotherday，and，ofcourse，itstruckmethatitwouldbeabeautifulanddesirablethingforyoutocelebratetheeventbybuyingbrilliantlyexpensivehatsforallyoursisters。Theymaynothavesaidanythingaboutit，butIfeelsurethesameideahasoccurredtothem。Ofcourse，withGoodwoodonus，Iamratherrushedjustnow，butinmybusinesswe'reaccustomedtothat；weliveinaseriesofrushes——liketheinfantMoses。"
"Ididn'tcomeabouthats，"saidhervisitor。"Infact，Idon'tthinkIreallycameaboutanything。IwaspassingandIjustthoughtI'dlookinandseeyou。SinceI'vebeensittingtalkingtoyou，however，ratherimportantideahasoccurredtome。Ifyou'llforgetGoodwoodforamomentandlistentome，I'lltellyouwhatitis。"
SomefortyminuteslaterJamesCushat-Prinklyreturnedtothebosomofhisfamily，bearinganimportantpieceofnews。
"I'mengagedtobemarried，"heannounced。
Arapturousoutbreakofcongratulationandself-applausebrokeout。
"Ah，weknew！Wesawitcoming！Weforetolditweeksago！"
"I'llbetyoudidn't，"saidCushat-Prinkly。"Ifanyonehadtoldmeatlunch-timeto-daythatIwasgoingtoaskRhodaEllamtomarrymeandthatshewasgoingtoacceptmeIwouldhavelaughedattheidea。"
TheromanticsuddennessoftheaffairinsomemeasurecompensatedJames'swomen-folkfortheruthlessnegationofalltheirpatienteffortandskilleddiplomacy。Itwasrathertryingtohavetodeflecttheirenthusiasmatamoment'snoticefromJoanSebastabletoRhodaEllam；but，afterall，itwasJames'swifewhowasinquestion，andhistasteshadsomeclaimtobeconsidered。
OnaSeptemberafternoonofthesameyear，afterthehoneymooninMinorcahadended，Cushat-Prinklycameintothedrawing-roomofhisnewhouseinGranchesterSquare。Rhodawasseatedatalowtable，behindaserviceofdaintyporcelainandgleamingsilver。Therewasapleasanttinklingnoteinhervoiceasshehandedhimacup。
"Youlikeitweakerthanthat，don'tyou？ShallIputsomemorehotwatertoit？No？"
THEDISAPPEARANCEOFCRISPINAUMBERLEIGH
Inafirst-classcarriageofatrainspeedingBalkanwardacrosstheflat，greenHungarianplaintwoBritonssatinfriendly，fitfulconverse。Theyhadfirstforegatheredinthecoldgreydawnatthefrontierline，wherethepresidingeagletakesonanextraheadandTeutonlandspassfromHohenzollerntoHabsburgkeeping——andwhereaprobingofficialbeakrequirestodelveinpoliteandperhapsperfunctory，butalwaystiresome，mannerintothebaggageofsleep-
hungrypassengers。Afteraday'sbreakoftheirjourneyatViennathetravellershadagainforegatheredatthetrainsideandpaidoneanotherthecomplimentofsettlinginstinctivelyintothesamecarriage。Theelderofthetwohadtheappearanceandmannerofadiplomat；inpointoffacthewasthewell-connectedfoster-brotherofawinebusiness。Theotherwascertainlyajournalist。Neithermanwastalkativeandeachwasgratefultotheotherfornotbeingtalkative。Thatiswhyfromtimetotimetheytalked。
Onetopicofconversationnaturallythrustitselfforwardinfrontofallothers。InViennathepreviousdaytheyhadlearnedofthemysteriousvanishingofaworld-famouspicturefromthewallsoftheLouvre。
"Adramaticdisappearanceofthatsortissuretoproduceacropofimitations，"saidtheJournalist。
"Ithashadalotofanticipations，forthematterofthat，"saidtheWine-brother。
"Oh，ofcoursetherehavebeentheftsfromtheLouvrebefore。"
"Iwasthinkingofthespiritingawayofhumanbeingsratherthanpictures。InparticularIwasthinkingofthecaseofmyaunt，CrispinaUmberleigh。"
"Irememberhearingsomethingoftheaffair，"saidtheJournalist，"butIwasawayfromEnglandatthetime。Ineverquiteknewwhatwassupposedtohavehappened。"
"Youmayhearwhatreallyhappenedifyouwillrespectitasaconfidence，"saidtheWineMerchant。"InthefirstplaceImaysaythatthedisappearanceofMrs。Umberleighwasnotregardedbythefamilyentirelyasabereavement。Myuncle，EdwardUmberleigh，wasnotbyanymeansaweak-kneedindividual，infactintheworldofpoliticshehadtobereckonedwithmoreorlessasastrongman，buthewasunmistakablydominatedbyCrispina；indeedInevermetanyhumanbeingwhowasnotfrozenintosubjectionwhenbroughtintoprolongedcontactwithher。Somepeopleareborntocommand；
CrispinaMrs。Umberleighwasborntolegislate，codify，administrate，censor，license，ban，execute，andsitinjudgementgenerally。Ifshewasnotbornwiththatdestinysheadopteditatanearlyage。Fromthekitchenregionsupwardseveryoneinthehouseholdcameunderherdespoticswayandstayedtherewiththesubmissivenessofmolluscsinvolvedinaglacialepoch。Asanephewonafootingofonlyoccasionalvisitssheaffectedmemerelyasanepidemic，disagreeablewhileitlasted，butwithoutanypermanenteffect；butherownsonsanddaughtersstoodinmortalaweofher；
theirstudies，friendships，diet，amusements，religiousobservances，andwayofdoingtheirhairwereallregulatedandordainedaccordingtotheaugustlady'swillandpleasure。Thiswillhelpyoutounderstandthesensationofstupefactionwhichwascausedinthefamilywhensheunobtrusivelyandinexplicablyvanished。ItwasasthoughSt。Paul'sCathedralorthePiccadillyHotelhaddisappearedinthenight，leavingnothingbutanopenspacetomarkwhereithadstood。Asfaraswasknownnothingwastroublingher；
infacttherewasmuchbeforehertomakelifeparticularlywellworthliving。Theyoungestboyhadcomebackfromschoolwithanunsatisfactoryreport，andshewastohavesatinjudgementonhimtheveryafternoonofthedayshedisappeared——ifithadbeenhewhohadvanishedinahurryonecouldhavesuppliedthemotive。Thenshewasinthemiddleofanewspapercorrespondencewitharuraldeaninwhichshehadalreadyprovedhimguiltyofheresy，inconsistency，andunworthyquibbling，andnoordinaryconsiderationwouldhaveinducedhertodiscontinuethecontroversy。Ofcoursethematterwasputinthehandsofthepolice，butasfaraspossibleitwaskeptoutofthepapers，andthegenerallyacceptedexplanationofherwithdrawalfromhersocialcirclewasthatshehadgoneintoanursinghome。"
"Andwhatwastheimmediateeffectonthehomecircle？"askedtheJournalist。
"Allthegirlsboughtthemselvesbicycles；thefemininecyclingcrazewasstillinexistence，andCrispinahadrigidlyvetoedanyparticipationinitamongthemembersofherhousehold。Theyoungestboylethimselfgotosuchanextentduringhisnexttermthatithadtobehislastasfarasthatparticularestablishmentwasconcerned。Theelderboyspropoundedatheorythattheirmothermightbewanderingsomewhereabroad，andsearchedforherassiduously，chiefly，itmustbeadmitted，inaclassofMontmartreresortwhereitwasextremelyimprobablethatshewouldbefound。"
"Andallthiswhilecouldn'tyourunclegetholdoftheleastclue？"
"Asamatteroffacthehadreceivedsomeinformation，thoughofcourseIdidnotknowofitatthetime。Hegotamessageonedaytellinghimthathiswifehadbeenkidnappedandsmuggledoutofthecountry；shewassaidtobehiddenaway，inoneoftheislandsoffthecoastofNorwayIthinkitwas，incomfortablesurroundingsandwellcaredfor。Andwiththeinformationcameademandformoney；alumpsumof2000poundswastobepaidyearly。Failingthisshewouldbeimmediatelyrestoredtoherfamily。"
TheJournalistwassilentforamoment，andthembegantolaughquietly。
"Itwascertainlyaninvertedformofholdingtoransom，"hesaid。
"Ifyouhadknownmyaunt，"saidtheWineMerchant，"youwouldhavewonderedthattheydidn'tputthefigurehigher。"
"Irealisethetemptation。Didyourunclesuccumbtoit？"
"Well，yousee，hehadtothinkofothersaswellashimself。ForthefamilytohavegonebackintotheCrispinathraldomafterhavingtastedthedelightsoflibertywouldhavebeenatragedy，andtherewereevenwiderconsiderationstobetakenintoaccount。Sincehisbereavementhehadunconsciouslytakenupafarbolderandmoreinitiatorylineinpublicaffairs，andhispopularityandinfluencehadincreasedcorrespondingly。Frombeingmerelyastrongmaninthepoliticalworldhebegantobespokenofasthestrongman。AllthisheknewwouldbejeopardisedifheoncemoredroppedintothesocialpositionofthehusbandofMrs。Umberleigh。Hewasarichman，andthe2000poundsayear，thoughnotexactlyafleabite，didnotseemanextravagantpricetopayfortheboarding-outofCrispina。Ofcourse，hehadseverequalmsofconscienceaboutthearrangement。Lateron，whenhetookmeintohisconfidence，hetoldmethatinpayingtheransom，orhush-moneyasIshouldhavecalledit，hewaspartlyinfluencedbythefearthatifherefuseditthekidnappersmighthaveventedtheirrageanddisappointmentontheircaptive。Itwasbetter，hesaid，tothinkofherbeingwellcaredforasahighly-valuedpaying-guestinoneoftheLofodenIslandsthantohaveherstrugglingmiserablyhomeinamaimedandmutilatedcondition。Anywayhepaidtheyearlyinstalmentaspunctuallyasonepaysafireinsurance，andwithequalpromptitudetherewouldcomeanacknowledgmentofthemoneyandabriefstatementtotheeffectthatCrispinawasingoodhealthandfairlycheerfulspirits。
OnereportevenmentionedthatshewasbusyingherselfwithaschemeforproposedreformsinChurchmanagementtobepressedonthelocalpastorate。Anotherspokeofarheumaticattackandajourneytoa'cure'onthemainland，andonthatoccasionanadditionaleightypoundswasdemandedandconceded。Ofcourseitwastotheinterestofthekidnapperstokeeptheirchargeingoodhealth，butthesecrecywithwhichtheymanagedtoshroudtheirarrangementsarguedareallywonderfulorganisation。Ifmyunclewaspayingaratherhighprice，atleasthecouldconsolehimselfwiththereflectionthathewaspayingspecialists'fees。"
"Meanwhilehadthepolicegivenupallattemptstotrackthemissinglady？"askedtheJournalist。
"Notentirely；theycametomyunclefromtimetotimetoreportonclueswhichtheythoughtmightyieldsomeelucidationastoherfateorwhereabouts，butIthinktheyhadtheirsuspicionsthathewaspossessedofmoreinformationthanhehadputattheirdisposal。
Andthen，afteradisappearanceofmorethaneightyears，Crispinareturnedwithdramaticsuddennesstothehomeshehadleftsomysteriously。"
"Shehadgivenhercaptorstheslip？"
"Shehadneverbeencaptured。Herwanderingawayhadbeencausedbyasuddenandcompletelossofmemory。Sheusuallydressedratherinthestyleofasuperiorkindofcharwoman，anditwasnotsoverysurprisingthatsheshouldhaveimaginedthatshewasone；andstilllessthatpeopleshouldacceptherstatementandhelphertogetwork。ShehadwanderedasfarafieldasBirmingham，andfoundfairlysteadyemploymentthere，herenergyandenthusiasminputtingpeople'sroomsinordercounterbalancingherobstinateanddomineeringcharacteristics。Itwastheshockofbeingpatronisinglyaddressedas'mygoodwoman'byacurate，whowasdisputingwithherwherethestoveshouldbeplacedinaparishconcerthallthatledtothesuddenrestorationofhermemory。'I
thinkyouforgetwhoyouarespeakingto，'sheobservedcrushingly，whichwasratherundulysevere，consideringshehadonlyjustremembereditherself。"
"But，"exclaimedtheJournalist，"theLofodenIslandpeople！Whohadtheygotholdof？"
"Apurelymythicalprisoner。Itwasanattemptinthefirstplacebysomeonewhoknewsomethingofthedomesticsituation，probablyadischargedvalet，tobluffalumpsumoutofEdwardUmberleighbeforethemissingwomanturnedup；thesubsequentyearlyinstalmentswereanunlooked-forincrementtotheoriginalhaul。
"Crispinafoundthattheeightyears'interregnumhadmateriallyweakenedherascendancyoverhernowgrown-upoffspring。Herhusband，however，neveraccomplishedanythinggreatinthepoliticalworldafterherreturn；thestrainoftryingtoaccountsatisfactorilyforanunspecifiedexpenditureofsixteenthousandpoundsspreadovereightyearssufficientlyoccupiedhismentalenergies。HereisBelgradandanothercustomhouse。"
THEWOLVESOFCERNOGRATZ
"Aretheyanyoldlegendsattachedtothecastle？"askedConradofhissister。ConradwasaprosperousHamburgmerchant，buthewastheonepoetically-dispositionedmemberofaneminentlypracticalfamily。
TheBaronessGruebelshruggedherplumpshoulders。
"Therearealwayslegendshangingabouttheseoldplaces。Theyarenotdifficulttoinventandtheycostnothing。Inthiscasethereisastorythatwhenanyonediesinthecastleallthedogsinthevillageandthewildbeastsinforesthowlthenightlong。Itwouldnotbepleasanttolistento，wouldit？"
"Itwouldbeweirdandromantic，"saidtheHamburgmerchant。
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