andifyou’lljustgivemealiftwe’llskeethimintothehearseandmeanderalong。Relationsboundtohaveitso——don’tpaynoattentiontodyinginjunctions，minuteacorpse’sgone；butifIhadmyway，ifI
didn’trespecthislastwishesandtowhimbehindthehearse，I’llbecuss’d。Iconsiderthatwhateveracorpsewantsdoneforhiscomfortisalittleenoughmatter，andamanhain’tgotnorighttodeceivehimortakeadvantageofhim——andwhateveracorpsetrustsmetodoI’ma-goingtodo，youknow，evenifit’stostuffhimandpainthimyallerandkeephimforakeepsake——youhearme！"
Hecrackedhiswhipandwentlumberingawaywithhisancientruinofahearse，andIcontinuedmywalkwithavaluablelessonlearned——thatahealthyandwholesomecheerfulnessisnotnecessarilyimpossibletoanyoccupation。Thelessonislikelytobelasting，foritwilltakemanymonthstoobliteratethememoryoftheremarksandcircumstancesthatimpressedit。
AROYALCOMPLIMENT
ThelatestreportabouttheSpanishcrownis，thatitwillnowbeofferedtoPrinceAlfonso，thesecondsonoftheKingofPortugal，whoisbutfiveyearsofage。TheSpaniardshavehuntedthroughallthenationsofEuropeforaKing。TheytriedtogetaPortugueseinthepersonofDom-Luis，whoisanoldex-monarch；theytriedtogetanItalian，inthepersonofVictorEmanuel’syoungson，theDukeofGenoa；theytriedtogetaSpaniard，inthepersonofEspartero，whoisanoctogenarian。SomeofthemdesiredaFrenchBourbon，Montpensier；someofthemaSpanishBourbon，thePrinceofAsturias；
someofthemanEnglishprince，oneofthesonsofQueenVictoria。
TheyhavejusttriedtogettheGermanPrinceLeopold；buttheyhavethoughtitbettertogivehimupthantakeawaralongwithhim。
ItisalongtimesincewefirstsuggestedtothemtotryanAmericanruler。Wecanofferthemalargenumberofableandexperiencedsovereignstopickfrom-menskilledinstatesmanship，versedinthescienceofgovernment，andadeptsinalltheartsofadministration——menwhocouldwearthecrownwithdignityandrulethekingdomatareasonableexpense。
ThereisnottheleastdangerofNapoleonthreateningthemiftheytakeanAmericansovereign；infact，wehavenodoubthewouldbepleasedtosupportsuchacandidature。Weareunwillingtomentionnames——thoughwehaveamaninoureyewhomwewishtheyhadintheirs。——NewYorkTribune。
Itwouldbebutanostentationofmodestytopermitsuchapointedreferencetomyselftopassunnoticed。Thisisthesecondtimethat’TheTribune’（nodoubtsincerelylookingtothebestinterestsofSpainandtheworldatlarge）hasdonemethegreatandunusualhonourtoproposemeasafitpersontofilltheSpanishthrone。Why’TheTribune’shouldsinglemeoutinthiswayfromthemidstofadozenAmericansofhigherpoliticalprominence，isaproblemwhichIcannotsolve。BeyondasomewhatintimateknowledgeofSpanishhistoryandaprofoundvenerationforitsgreatnamesandillustriousdeeds，IfeelthatIpossessnomeritthatshouldpeculiarlyrecommendmetothisroyaldistinction。IcannotdenythatSpanishhistoryhasalwaysbeenmother’smilktome。IamproudofeverySpanishachievement，fromHernandoCortes’svictoryatThermopylaedowntoVascoNunezdeBalboa’sdiscoveryoftheAtlanticocean；andofeverysplendidSpanishname，fromDonQuixoteandtheDukeofWellingtondowntoDonCaesardeBazan。However，theselittlegracesoferuditionareofsmallconsequence，beingmoreshowythanserviceable。
IncasetheSpanishsceptreispresseduponme——andtheindicationsunquestionablyarethatitwillbe——Ishallfeelitnecessarytohavecertainthingssetdownanddistinctlyunderstoodbeforehand。Forinstance：Mysalarymustbepaidquarterlyinadvance。Intheseunsettledtimesitwillnotdototrust。IfIsabellahadadoptedthisplan，shewouldberoostingonherancestralthroneto-day，forthesimplereasonthathersubjectsnevercouldhaveraisedthreemonthsofaroyalsalaryinadvance，andofcoursetheycouldnothavedischargedheruntiltheyhadsquaredupwithher。Mysalarymustbepaidingold；whengreenbacksarefreshinacountry，theyaretoofluctuating。Mysalaryhasgottobeputattherulingmarketrate；Iamnotgoingtocutunderonthetrade，andtheyarenotgoingtotrailmealongwayfromhomeandthenpractiseonmyignoranceandplaymeforaroyalNorthAdamsChinaman，byanymeans。AsIunderstandit，importedkingsgenerallygetfivemillionsayearandhouse-rentfree。YoungGeorgeofGreecegetsthat。Astherevenuesonlyyieldtwomillions，hehastotakethenationalnoteforconsiderable；butevenwiththingsinthatsortofshapeheisbetterfixedthanhewasinDenmark，wherehehadtoeternallystandupbecausehehadnothronetositon，andhadtogivebailforhisboard，becausearoyalapprenticegetsnosalarytherewhileheislearninghistrade。Englandistheplaceforthat。FiftythousanddollarsayearGreatBritainpaysoneachroyalchildthatisborn，andthisisincreasedfromyeartoyearasthechildbecomesmoreandmoreindispensabletohiscountry。LookatPrinceArthur。Atfirstheonlygottheusualbirth-bounty；butnowthathehasgotsothathecandance，thereissimplynotellingwhatwageshegets。
IshouldhavetostipulatethattheSpanishpeoplewashmoreandendeavourtogetalongwithlessquarantine。Doyouknow，Spainkeepsherportsfastlockedagainstforeigntrafficthree-fourthsofeachyear，becauseonedaysheisscaredaboutthecholera，andthenextabouttheplague，andnextthemeasles，nextthehoopingcough，thehives，andtherash？butshedoesnotmindleonineleprosyandelephantiasisanymorethanagreatandenlightenedcivilisationmindsfreckles。Soapwouldsoonremoveheranxiousdistressaboutforeigndistempers。ThereasonarablelandissoscarceinSpainisbecausethepeoplesquandersomuchofitontheirpersons，andthenwhentheydieitisimprovidentlyburiedwiththem。
IshouldfeelobligedtostipulatethatMarshalSerranobereducedtotherankofconstable，orevenroundsman。HeisnolongerfittobeCityMarshal。Amanwhorefusedtobekingbecausehewastoooldandfeeble，isillqualifiedtohelpsickpeopletothestation-housewhentheyarearmedandtheirformofdeliriumtremensisoftheexuberantanddemonstrativekind。
IshouldalsorequirethataforcebesenttochasethelateQueenIsabellaoutofFrance。HerpresencetherecanworknoadvantagetoSpain，andsheoughttobemadetomoveatonce；though，poorthing，shehasbeenchasteenoughheretofore——foraSpanishwoman。
Ishouldalsorequirethat——
Iamatthismomentauthoritativelyinformedthat"TheTribune"didnotmeanme，afterall。Verywell，Idonotcaretwocents。
THEAPPROACHINGEPIDEMIC
OnecalamitytowhichthedeathofMr。Dickensdoomsthiscountryhasnotawakenedtheconcerntowhichitsgravityentitlesit。Werefertothefactthatthenationistobelecturedtodeathandreadtodeathallnextwinter，byTom，Dick，andHarry，withpoorlamentedDickensforapretext。Allthevagabondswhocanspellwillafflictthepeoplewith"readings"fromPickwickandCopperfield，andalltheinsignificantswhohavebeenennobledbythenoticeofthegreatnovelistortransfiguredbyhissmilewillmakeamarketablecommodityofitnow，andturnthesacredreminiscencetothepracticaluseofprocuringbreadandbutter。Thelecturerostrumswillfairlyswarmwiththesefortunates。Alreadythesignsofitareperceptible。Beholdhowtheuncleancreaturesarewendingtowardthedeadlionandgatheringtothefeast：
"ReminiscencesofDickens。"Alecture。ByJohnSmith，whoheardhimreadeighttimes。
"RemembrancesofCharlesDickens。"Alecture。ByJohnJones，whosawhimonceinastreetcarandtwiceinabarbershop。
"RecollectionsofMr。Dickens。"Alecture。ByJohnBrown，whogainedawidefamebywritingdeliriouslyappreciativecritiquesandrhapsodiesuponthegreatauthor’spublicreadings；andwhoshookhandswiththegreatauthoruponvariousoccasions，andheldconversewithhimseveraltimes。
"ReadingsfromDickens。"ByJohnWhite，whohasthegreatdelineator’sstyleandmannerperfectly，havingattendedallhisreadingsinthiscountryandmadethesethingsastudy，alwayspractisingeachreadingbeforeretiring，andwhileitwashotfromthegreatdelineator’slips。
UponthisoccasionMr。W。willexhibittheremainsofacigarwhichhesawMr。Dickenssmoke。ThisReliciskeptinasolidsilverboxmadepurposelyforit。
"SightsandSoundsoftheGreatNovelist。"Apopularlecture。ByJohnGray，who，waitedonhistableallthetimehewasattheGrandHotel，NewYork，andstillhasinhispossessionandwillexhibittotheaudienceafragmentoftheLastPieceofBreadwhichthelamentedauthortastedinthiscountry。
"HeartTreasuresofPreciousMomentswithLiterature’sDepartedMonarch。"
Alecture。ByMissSerenaAmeliaTrypheniaMcSpadden，whostillwears，andwillalwayswear，agloveuponthehandmadesacredbytheclaspofDickens。OnlyDeathshallremoveit。
"ReadingsfromDickens。"ByMrs。J。O’HooliganMurphy，whowashedforhim。
"FamiliarTalkswiththeGreatAuthor。"Anarrativelecture。ByJohnThomas，fortwoweekshisvaletinAmerica。
Andsoforth，andsoon。Thisisn’thalfthelist。Themanwhohasa"ToothpickonceusedbyCharlesDickens"willhavetohaveahearing；andthemanwho"oncerodeinanomnibuswithCharlesDickens；"andtheladytowhomCharlesDickens"grantedthehospitalitiesofhisumbrelladuringastorm；"andthepersonwho"possessesaholewhichoncebelongedinahandkerchiefownedbyCharlesDickens。"Bepatientandlong-suffering，goodpeople，foreventhisdoesnotfillupthemeasureofwhatyoumustendurenextwinter。ThereisnocreatureinallthislandwhohashadanypersonalrelationswiththelateMr。Dickens，howeverslightortrivial，butwillshoulderhiswaytotherostrumandinflicthistestimonyuponhishelplesscountrymen。Tosomepeopleitisfataltobenoticedbygreatness。
THETONE-IMPARTINGCOMMITTEE
Igetoldandponderouslyrespectable，onlyonethingwillbeabletomakemetrulyhappy，andthatwillbetobeputontheVenerableTone-
ImpartingcommitteeofthecityofNewYork，andhavenothingtodobutsitontheplatform，solemnandimposing，alongwithPeterCooper，HoraceGreeley，etc。，etc。，andshedmomentaryfameatsecondhandonobscurelecturers，drawpublicattentiontolectureswhichwouldotherwiseclackeloquentlytosoundingemptiness，andsubdueaudiencesintorespectfulhearingofallsortsofunpopularandoutlandishdogmasandisms。ThatiswhatIdesireforthecheerandgratificationofmygrayhairs。LetmebutsituptherewiththosefinerelicsoftheOldRedSandstonePeriodandgiveTonetoanintellectualentertainmenttwiceaweek，andbesoreported，andmyhappinesswillbecomplete。Thosemenhavebeenmyenvyforlong，longtime。AndnomemoriesofmylifearesopleasantasmyreminiscenceoftheirlongandhonorablecareerintheTone-
impartingservice。IcanrecollectthatfirsttimeIeversawthemontheplatformsjustaswellasIcanremembertheeventsofyesterday。
HoraceGreeleysatontheright，PeterCooperontheleft，andThomasJefferson，RedJacket，BenjaminFranklin，andJohnHancocksatbetweenthem。Thiswasonthe22dofDecember，1799，ontheoccasionofthestate’funeralofGeorgeWashingtoninNewYork。Itwasagreatday，that——agreatday，andavery，verysadone。IrememberthatBroadwaywasonemassofblackcrapefromCastleGardennearlyuptowheretheCityHallnowstands。ThenexttimeIsawthesegentlemenofficiatewasataballgivenforthepurposeofprocuringmoneyandmedicinesforthesickandwoundedsoldiersandsailors。HoraceGreeleyoccupiedonesideoftheplatformonwhichthemusicianswereexalted，andPeterCoopertheother。TherewereotherTone-impartersattendantuponthetwochiefs，butIhaveforgottentheirnamesnow。HoraceGreeley，gray-hairedandbeaming，wasinsailorcostume——whiteduckpants，blueshirt，openatthebreast，largeneckerchief，looseasanox-bow，andtiedwithajauntysailorknot，broadturnovercollarwithstarinthecorner，shinyblacklittletarpaulinhatroostingdaintilyfarbackonhead，andflyingtwogallantlongribbons。Slippersonamplefeet，roundspectaclesonbenignantnose，andpitchforkinhand，completedMr。Greeley，andmadehim，inmyboyishadmiration，everyinchasailor，andworthytobethehonoredgreat-grandfatheroftheNeptunehewassoingeniouslyrepresenting。Ishallneverforgethim。Mr。Cooperwasdressedasageneralofmilitia，andwasdismallyandoppressivelywarlike。I
neglectedtoremark，intheproperplace，thatthesoldiersandsailorsinwhoseaidtheballwasgivenhadjustbeensentinfromBoston——thiswasduringthewarof1812。AtthegrandnationalreceptionofLafayette，in1824，HoraceGreeleysatontherightandPeterCoopertotheleft。TheotherTone-impartersofthedayaresleepingthesleepofthejustnow。IwasintheaudiencewhenHoraceGreeleyPeterCooper，andotherchiefcitizensimpartedtonetothegreatmeetingsinfavorofFrenchliberty，in1848。ThenIneversawthemanymoreuntilherelately；butnowthatIamlivingtolerablynearthecity，IrundowneverytimeIseeitannouncedthat"HoraceGreeley，PeterCooper，andseveralotherdistinguishedcitizenswilloccupyseatsontheplatform；"
andnextmorning，whenIreadinthefirstparagraphofthephonographicreportthat"HoraceGreeley，PeterCooper，andseveralotherdistinguishedcitizensoccupiedseatsontheplatform，"Isaytomyself，"ThankGod，Iwaspresent。"ThusIhavebeenenabledtoseethesesubstantialoldfriendsofminesitontheplatformandgivetonetolecturesonanatomy，andlecturesonagriculture，andlecturesonstirpiculture，andlecturesonastronomy，onchemistry，onmiscegenation，on"IsManDescendedfromtheKangaroo？"on，veterinarymatters，onallkindsofreligion，andseveralkindsofpolitics；andhaveseenthemgivetoneandgrandeurtotheFour-leggedGirl，theSiameseTwins，theGreatEgyptianSwordSwallower，andtheOldOriginalJacobs。Wheneversomebodyistolectureonasubjectnotofgeneralinterest，IknowthatmyveneratedRemainsoftheOldRedSandstonePeriodwillbeontheplatform；wheneveralectureristoappearwhomnobodyhasheardofbefore，norwillbelikelytoseektosee，Iknowthattherealbenevolenceofmyoldfriendswillbetakenadvantageof，andthattheywillbeontheplatform（andinthebills）asanadvertisement；andwheneveranynewandobnoxiousdeviltryinphilosophy，morals，orpoliticsistobesprunguponthepeople，Iknowperfectlywellthattheseintrepidoldheroeswillbeontheplatformtoo，intheinterestoffullandfreediscussion，andtocrushdownallnarrowerandlessgeneroussoulswiththesoliddeadweightoftheirawfulrespectability。
Andletusallrememberthatwhiletheseinveterateandimperishablepresiders（ifyouplease）appearontheplatformeverynightintheyearasregularlyasthevolunteeredpianofromSteinway’sorChickering’s，andhavebolsteredupandgiventonetoadealofquestionablemeritandobscureemptinessintheirtime，theyhavealsodiversifiedthisinconsequentialservicebyoccasionalpowerfulupliftingandupholdingofgreatprogressiveideaswhichsmallermenfearedtomeddlewithorcountenance。
OURPRECIOUSLUNATIC
[FromtheBuffaloExpress，Saturday，May14，1870。]
NewYORK，May10。
TheRichardson-McFarlandjuryhadbeenoutonehourandfiftyminutes。
Abreathlesssilencebroodedovercourtandauditory——asilenceandastillnesssoabsolute，notwithstandingthevastmultitudeofhumanbeingspackedtogetherthere，thatwhensomeonefarawayamongthethrongunderthenortheastbalconyclearedhisthroatwithasmotheredlittlecoughitstartledeverybodyuncomfortably，sodistinctlydiditgrateuponthepulselessair。Atthatimposingmomentthebangofadoorwasheard，thentheshuffleofapproachingfeet，andthenasortofsurgingandswayingdisorderamongtheheadsattheentrancefromthejury-roomtoldthemthattheTwelvewerecoming。Presentlyallwassilentagain，andtheforemanofthejuryroseandsaid：
"YourHonorandGentleman：We，thejurychargedwiththedutyofdeterminingwhethertheprisoneratthebar，DanielMcFarland，hasbeenguiltyofmurder，intakingbysurpriseanunarmedmanandshootinghimtodeath，orwhethertheprisonerisafflictedwithasadbutirresponsibleinsanitywhichattimescanbecheeredonlybyviolententertainmentwithfirearms，dofindasfollows，namely：
Thattheprisoner，DanielMcFarland，isinsaneasabovedescribed。
Because：
1。Hisgreatgrandfather’sstepfatherwastaintedwithinsanity，andfrequentlykilledpeoplewhoweredistastefultohim。Hence，insanityishereditaryinthefamily。
2。Fornineyearstheprisoneratthebardidnotadequatelysupporthisfamily。Strongcircumstantialevidenceofinsanity。
3。Fornineyearshemadeofhishome，asageneralthing，apoor-house；
sometimes（butveryrarely）acheery，happyhabitation；frequentlythedenofabeery，drivelling，stupefiedanimal；butnever，asfarasascertained，theabidingplaceofagentleman。Thesebeevidencesofinsanity。
4。Heoncetookhisyoungunmarriedsister-in-lawtothemuseum；whiletherehishereditaryinsanitycameuponhimtosuchadegreethathehiccuppedandstaggered；andafterward，onthewayhome，evenmadelovetotheyounggirlhewasprotecting。Thesearetheactsofapersonnotinhisrightmind。
5。Foragoodwhilehissufferingsweresogreatthathehadtosubmittotheinconvenienceofhavinghiswifegivepublicreadingsforthefamilysupport；andattimes，whenhehandedtheseshamefulearningstothebarkeeper，hishaughtysoulwassotornwithanguishthathecouldhardlystandwithoutleaningagainstsomething。Atsuchtimeshehasbeenknowntoshedtearsintohissustenancetillitdilutedtoutterinefficiency。InattentionofthisnatureisnottheactofaDemocratunafflictedinmind。
6。Heneversparedexpenseinmakinghiswifecomfortableduringheroccasionalconfinements。Herfatherisabletotestifytothis。Therewasalwaysanelementofunsoundnessabouttheprisoner’sgenerositiesthatisverysuggestiveatthistimeandbeforethiscourt。
7。TwoyearsagotheprisonercamefearlesslyupbehindRichardsoninthedark，andshothimintheleg。Theprisoner’sbraveandprotracteddefianceofanadversitythatforyearshadlefthimlittletodependuponforsupportbutawifewhosometimesearnedscarcelyanythingforweeksatatime，isevidencethathewouldhaveappearedinfrontofRichardsonandshothiminthestomachifhehadnotbeeninsaneatthetimeoftheshooting。
8。FourteenmonthsagotheprisonertoldArchibaldSmiththathewasgoingtokillRichardson。Thisisinsanity。
9。TwelvemonthsagohetoldMarshallP。JonesthathewasgoingtokillRichardson。Insanity。
10。NinemonthsagohewaslurkingaboutRichardson’shomeinNewJersey，andsaidhewasgoingtokillRichardson。Insanity。
11。SevenmonthsagoheshowedapistoltoSethBrownandsaidthatthatwasforRichardson。HesaidBrowntestifiedthatatthattimeitseemedplainthatsomethingwasthematterwithMcFarland，forhecrossedthestreetdiagonallyninetimesinfiftyyards，apparentlywithoutanysettledreasonfordoingso，andfinallyfellinthegutterandwenttosleep。HeremarkedatthetimethatMcFarlandactedstrange——believedhewasinsane。UponhearingBrown’sevidence，JohnW。Galen，M。D。，affirmedatoncethatMcFarlandwasinsane。
12。Fivemonthsago，McFarlandshowedhiscustomarypistol，inhiscustomaryway，tohisbed-fellow，CharlesA。Dana，andtoldhimhewasgoingtokillRichardsonthefirsttimeanopportunityoffered。Evidenceofinsanity。
13。FivemonthsandtwoweeksagoMcFarlandaskedJohnMorganthetimeofday，andturnedandwalkedrapidlyawaywithoutwaitingforananswer。
Almostindubitableevidenceofinsanity。And——
14。Itisremarkablethatexactlyoneweekafterthiscircumstance，theprisoner，DanielMcFarland，confrontedAlbertD。Richardsonsuddenlyandwithoutwarning，andshothimdead。Thisismanifestinsanity。
Everythingweknowoftheprisonergoestoshowthatifhehadbeensaneatthetime，hewouldhaveshothisvictimfrombehind。
15。Thereisanabsolutelyoverwhelmingmassoftestimonytoshowthatanhourbeforetheshooting，McFarlandwasANXIOUSANDUNEASY，andthatfiveminutesafterithewasEXCITED。Thustheaccumulatingconjecturesandevidencesofinsanityculminateinthissublimeandunimpeachableproofofit。Therefore——
YourHonorandGentlemen——WethejurypronouncethesaidDanielMcFarlandINNOCENTOFMURDER，BUTCALAMITOUSLYINSANE。
Thescenethatensuedalmostdefiesdescription。Hats，handkerchiefsandbonnetswerefranticallywavedabovethemassedheadsinthecourtroom，andthreetremendouscheersandatigertoldwherethesympathiesofthecourtandpeoplewere。Thenahundredpursedlipswereadvancedtokisstheliberatedprisoner，andmanyahandthrustouttogivehimacongratulatoryshake——butpresto！withamaniac’sownquicknessandamaniac’sownfurythelunaticassassinofRichardsonfelluponhisfriendswithteethandnails，bootsandofficefurniture，andtheamazingrapiditywithwhichhebrokeheadsandlimbs，andrentandsunderedbodies，tillnearlyahundredcitizenswerereducedtomerequiveringheapsoffleshyoddsandendsandcrimsonrags，waslikenothinginthisworldbuttheexultantfrenzyofaplunging，tearing，roaringdevilofasteammachinewhenitsnatchesahumanbeingandspinshimandwhirlshimtillheshredsawaytonothingnesslikea"Fouro’clock"beforethebreathofachild。
Thedestructionwasawful。ItissaidthatwithinthespaceofeightminutesMcFarlandkilledandcrippledsomesixscorepersonsandtoredownalargeportionoftheCityHallbuilding，carryingawayandcastingintoBroadwaysixorsevenmarblecolumnsfifty-fourfeetlongandweighingnearlytwotonseach。Buthewasfinallycapturedandsentinchainstothelunaticasylumforlife。
（Bylatetelegramsitappearsthatthisisamistake。——EditorExpress。）
Butthereallycuriouspartofthiswholematterisyettobetold。Andthatis，thatMcFarland’smostintimatefriendsbelievethattheverynexttimethatiteveroccurredtohimthattheinsanitypleawasnotamerepoliticpretense，waswhentheverdictcamein。Theythinkthatthestartlingthoughtburstuponhimthen，thatiftwelvegoodandtruemen，abletocomprehendallthebasenessofperjury，proclaimedunderoaththathewasalunatic，therewasnogainsayingsuchevidenceandthatheUNQUESTIONABLYWASINSANE！
Possiblythatwasreallythewayofit。Itisdreadfultothinkthatmaybethemostawfulcalamitythatcanbefallaman，namely，lossofreason，wasprecipitateduponthispoorprisoner’sheadbyajurythatcouldhavehangedhiminstead，andsodonehimamercyandhiscountryaservice。
POSTSCRIPT-LATER
May11——Idonotexpectanybodytobelievesoastoundingathing，andyetitisthesolemntruththatinsteadofinstantlysendingthedangerouslunatictotheinsaneasylum（whichInaturallysupposedtheywoulddo，andsoIprematurelysaidtheyhad）thecourthasactuallySETHIMAT
LIBERTY。Commentisunnecessary。M。T。
THEEUROPEANWARS——[FromtheBuffaloExpress，July25，1870。]
FirstDayTHEEUROPEANWAR！！！
NOBATTLEYET！！！
HOSTILITIESIMMINENT！！！
TREMENDOUSEXCITEMENT。
AUSTRIAARMING！
BERLIN，Tuesday。
Nobattlehasbeenfoughtyet。Buthostilitiesmayburstforthanyweek。
ThereistremendousexcitementhereovernewsfromthefrontthattwocompaniesofFrenchsoldiersareassemblingthere。
ItisrumouredthatAustriaisarming——whatwith，isnotknown……
SecondDayTHEEUROPEANWAR
NOBATTLEYET！
FIGHTINGIMMINENT。
AWFULEXCITEMENT。
RUSSIASIDESWITHPRUSSIA！
ENGLANDNEUTRAL！！
AUSTRIANOTARMING。
BERLIN，Wednesday。
Nobattlehasbeenfoughtyet。However，allthoughtfulmenfeelthatthelandmaybedrenchedwithbloodbeforetheSummerisover。
ThereisanawfulexcitementhereovertherumourthattwocompaniesofPrussiantroopshaveconcentratedontheborder。Germanconfidenceremainsunshaken！！
ThereisnewstotheeffectthatRussiaespousesthecauseofPrussiaandwillbring4，000，000mentothefield。
Englandproclaimsstrictneutrality。
ThereportthatAustriaisarmingneedsconfirmation……
ThirdDayTHEEUROPEANWAR
NOBATTLEYET！
BLOODSHEDIMMINENT！！
ENORMOUSEXCITEMENT！！
INVASIONOFPRUSSIA！！
INVASIONOFFRANCE！！
RUSSIASIDESWITHFRANCE。
ENGLANDSTILLNEUTRAL！
FIRINGHEARD！
THEEMPERORTOTAKECOMMAND。
PARIS，Thursday。
Nobattlehasbeenfoughtyet。ButFieldMarshalMcMahontelegraphsthustotheEmperor：
"IftheFrincharmysurvoivesuntilChristmasthere’llbethrouble。
Forninstthisfactitwouldbesagaciousifthedivilwinttheroundsofhisestablishmenttopreparefortheoccasion，andtuktheprecautiontowarrumupthePrussiandepairtmentabitagintheday。
MIKE。"
ThereisanenormousstateofexcitementhereovernewsfromthefronttotheeffectthatyesterdayFranceandPrussiaweresimultaneouslyinvadedbythetwobodiesoftroopswhichlatelyassembledontheborder。Botharmiesconductedtheirinvasionssecretlyandarenowhuntingaroundforeachotheronoppositesidesoftheborder。
RussiaespousesthecauseofFrance。Shewillbring200，000mentothefield。
Englandcontinuestoremainneutral。
FiringwasheardyesterdayinthedirectionofBlucherberg，andforawhiletheexcitementwasintense。Howeverthepeoplereflectedthatthecountryinthatdirectionisuninhabitable，andimpassablebyanythingbutbirds，theybecamequietagain。
TheEmperorsendshistroopstothefieldwithimmenseenthusiasm。Hewillleadtheminperson，whentheyreturn……
FourthDayTHEEUROPEANWAR！
NOBATTLEYET！！
THETROOPSGROWINGOLD！
BUTBITTERSTRIFEIMMINENT！
PRODIGIOUSEXCITEMENT！
THEINVASIONSSUCCESSFULLYACCOMPLISHED
ANDTHEINVADERSSAFE！
RUSSIASIDESWITHBOTHSIDES
ENGLANDWILLFIGHTBOTH！
LONDON，Friday。
Nobattlehasbeenfoughtthusfar，butamillionimpetuoussoldiersaregrittingtheirteethateachotheracrosstheborder，andthemostseriousfearsentertainedthatiftheydonotdieofoldagefirst，therewillbebloodshedinthiswaryet。
Theprodigiouspatrioticexcitementgoeson。InPrussia，perPrussiantelegrams，thoughcontradictedfromFrance。InFrance，perFrenchtelegrams，thoughcontradictedfromPrussia。
ThePrussianinvasionofFrancewasamagnificentsuccess。ThemilitaryfailedtofindtheFrench，butmadegoodtheirreturntoPrussiawithoutthelossofasingleman。TheFrenchinvasionofPrussiaisalsodemonstratedtohavebeenabrilliantandsuccessfulachievement。ThearmyfailedtofindthePrussians，butmadegoodtheirreturntotheVaterlandwithoutbloodshed，afterhavinginvadedasmuchastheywantedto。
ThereisgloriousnewsfromRussiatotheeffectthatshewillsidewithbothsides。
AlsofromEngland——shewillfightbothsides……
LONDON，Thursdayevening。
Irushedovertoosoon。IshallreturnhomeonTuesday’ssteamerandwaituntilthewarbegins。M。T。
THEWILDMANINTERVIEWED
[FromtheBuffaloExpress，September18，1869。]
Therehasbeensomuchtalkaboutthemysterious"wildman"outthereintheWestforsometime，thatIfinallyfeltitwasmydutytogooutandinterviewhim。Therewassomethingpeculiarlyandtouchinglyromanticaboutthecreatureandhisstrangeactions，accordingtothenewspaperreports。Hewasrepresentedasbeinghairy，long-armed，andofgreatstrengthandstature；uglyandcumbrous；avoidingmen，butappearingsuddenlyandunexpectedlytowomenandchildren；goingarmedwithaclub，butnevermolestinganycreature，exceptsheep，orotherprey；fondofeatinganddrinking，andnotparticularaboutthequality，quantity，orcharacterofthebeveragesandedibles；livinginthewoodslikeawildbeast，butneverangry；moaning，andsometimeshowling，butneverutteringarticulatesounds。
Suchwas"OldShep"asthepaperspaintedhim。Ifeltthatthestoryofhislifemustbeasadone——astoryofsuffering，disappointment，andexile——astoryofman’sinhumanitytomaninsomeshapeorother——andI
longedtopersuadethesecretfromhim……
"Sinceyousayyouareamemberofthepress，"saidthewildman，"Iamwillingtotellyouallyouwishtoknow。ByeandbyeyouwillcomprehendwhyitisthatIwishtounbosommyselftoanewspapermanwhenIhavesostudiouslyavoidedconversationwithotherpeople。Iwillnowunfoldmystrangestory。Iwasbornwiththeworldweliveupon，almost。IamthesonofCain。"
"What？"
"Iwaspresentwhenthefloodwasannounced。"
"Which？"
"IamthefatheroftheWanderingJew。"
"Sir？"
Imovedoutofrangeofhisclub，andwentontakingnotes，butkeepingawaryeyeonhimallthewhile。Hesmiledamelancholysmileandresumed：
"WhenIglancebackoverthedrearywasteofages，Iseemanyaglimmeringandmarkthatisfamiliartomymemory。Andoh，theleaguesIhavetravelled！thethingsIhaveseen！theeventsIhavehelpedtoemphasise！IwasattheassassinationofCaesar。ImarcheduponMeccawithMahomet。IwasintheCrusades，andstoodwithGodfreywhenheplantedthebannerofthecrossonthebattlementsofJerusalem。I——"
"Onemoment，please。Haveyougiventheseitemstoanyotherjournal？
CanI——"
"Silence。IwasinthePinta’sshroudswithColumbuswhenAmericaburstuponhisvision。IsawCharlesIbeheaded。IwasinLondonwhentheGunpowderPlotwasdiscovered。IwaspresentatthetrialofWarrenHastings。IwasonAmericansoilwhenthebattleofLexingtonwasfoughtwhenthedeclarationwaspromulgated——whenCornwallissurrendered——
WhenWashingtondied。IenteredPariswithNapoleonafterElba。Iwaspresentwhenyoumountedyourgunsandmannedyourfleetsforthewarof1812——whentheSouthfireduponSumter——whenRichmondfell——whenthePresident’slifewastaken。InalltheagesIhavehelpedtocelebratethetriumphsofgenius，theachievementsofarms，thehavocofstorm，fire，pestilence，famine。"
"Yourcareerhasbeenastirringone。MightIaskhowyoucametolocateinthesedullKansaswoods，whenyouhavebeensoaccustomedtoexcitementduringwhatImighttermsoprotractedaperiod，nottoputtoofineapointonit？"
"Listen。OnceIwasthehonouredservitorofthenobleandillustrious"
（hereheheavedasigh，andpassedhishairyhandacrosshiseyes）"butinthesedegeneratedaysIambecometheslaveofquackdoctorsandnewspapers。Iamdrivenfrompillartopostandhurriedupanddown，sometimeswithstencil-plateandpaste-brushtodefilethefenceswithcabalisticlegends，andsometimesingrotesqueandextravagantcharacteratthebehestofsomedrivingjournal。IattendedtothatOceanBankrobberysomeweeksago，whenIwashardlyrestedfromfinishingupthepow-wowaboutthecompletionofthePacificRailroad；immediatelyIwasspiritedofftodoanatrocious，murderforthebenefitoftheNewYorkpapers；nexttoattendtheweddingofapatriarchalmillionaire；nexttoraiseahurrahaboutthegreatboatrace；andthen，justwhenIhadbeguntohopethatmyoldboneswouldhavearest，Iambundledofftothishowlingwildernesstostrip，andjibber，andbeuglyandhairy，andpulldownfencesandwaylaysheep，andwaltzaroundwithaclub，andplay’WildMan’generally——andalltogratifythewhimofabedlamofcrazynewspaperscribblers？Fromoneendofthecontinenttotheother，Iamdescribedasagorilla，withasortofhumanseemingaboutme——andalltogratifythisquill-drivingscumoftheearth！"
"Pooroldcarpetbagger！"
"Ihavebeenservedinfamously，often，inmodernandsemi-moderntimes。
Ihavebeencompelledbybasementocreatefraudulenthistory，andtoperpetrateallsortsofhumbugs。IwrotethosecrazyJuniusletters，I
mopedinaFrenchdungeonforfifteenyears，andworearidiculousIronMask；IpokedaroundyourNorthernforests，amongyourvagabondIndians，asolemnFrenchidiot，personatingtheghostofadeadDauphin，thatthegapingworldmightwonderifwehad’aBourbonamongus’；Ihaveplayedsea-serpentoffNahant，andWoolly-HorseandWhat-is-itforthemuseums；
IhaveinterviewedpoliticiansfortheSun，workedupallmannerofmiraclesfortheHerald，cipheredupelectionreturnsfortheWorld，andthunderedPoliticalEconomythroughtheTribune。Ihavedonealltheextravagantthingsthatthewildestinventioncouldcontrive，anddonethemwell，andthisismyreward——playingWildManinKansaswithoutashirt！"
"Mysteriousbeing，alightdawnsvaguelyuponme——itgrowsapace——what——whatisyourname。"
"SENSATION！"
"Hence，horribleshape！"
Itspokeagain：
"Ohpitilessfate，mydestinyhoundsmeoncemore。Iamcalled。Igo。
Alas，istherenorestforme？"
InamomenttheWildMan’sfeaturesseemedtosoftenandrefine，andhisformtoassumeamorehumangraceandsymmetry。Hisclubchangedtoaspade，andheshouldereditandstartedawaysighingprofoundlyandsheddingtears。
"Whither，poorshade？"
"TODIGUPTHEBYRONFAMILY！"
Suchwastheresponsethatfloatedbackuponthewindasthesadspiritshookitsringletstothebreeze，flourisheditsshovelaloft，anddisappearedbeyondthebrowofthehill。
Allofwhichisinstrictaccordancewiththefacts。
M。T。
LASTWORDSOFGREATMEN——[FromtheBuffaloExpress，September11，1889。]
MarshalNeil’slastwordswere："L’armeefran-caise！"（TheFrencharmy。）——Exchange。
Whatasadthingitistoseeamancloseagrandcareerwithaplagiarisminhismouth。Napoleon’slastwordswere："Teted’armee。"
（Headofthearmy。）Neitherofthoseremarksamountstoanythingas"lastwords，"andreflectlittlecreditupontheutterers。
Adistinguishedmanshouldbeasparticularabouthislastwordsasheisabouthislastbreath。Heshouldwritethemoutonaslipofpaperandtakethejudgmentofhisfriendsonthem。Heshouldneverleavesuchathingtothelasthourofhislife，andtrusttoanintellectualspiritatthelastmomenttoenablehimtosaysomethingsmartwithhislatestgaspandlaunchintoeternitywithgrandeur。No——amanisapttobetoomuchfaggedandexhausted，bothinbodyandmind，atsuchatime，tobereliable；andmaybetheverythinghewantstosay，hecannotthinkoftosavehim；andbesidestherearehisweepingfriendsbotheringaround；
andworsethanallaslikelyasnothemayhavetodeliverhislastgaspbeforeheisexpectingto。Amancannotalwaysexpecttothinkofanattythingtosayundersuchcircumstances，andsoitispureegotisticostentationtoputitoff。Thereishardlyacaseonrecordwhereamancametohislastmomentunpreparedandsaidagoodthinghardlyacasewhereamantrustedtothatlastmomentanddidnotmakeasolemnbotchofitandgooutoftheworldfeelingabsurd。
NowtherewasDanielWebster。Nobodycouldtellhimanything。Hewasnotafraid。Hecoulddosomethingneatwhenthetimecame。Andhowdiditturnout？Why，hiswillhadtobefixedover；andthenalltherelationscame；andfirstonethingandthenanotherinterfered，tillatlastheonlyhadachancetosay，"Istilllive，"anduphewent。
Ofcoursehedidn’tstilllive，becausehedied——andsohemightaswellhavekepthislastwordstohimselfastohavegoneandmadesuchafailureofitasthat。Aweekbeforethatfifteenminutesofcalmreflectionwouldhaveenabledthatmantocontrivesomelastwordsthatwouldhavebeenacredittohimselfandacomforttohisfamilyforgenerationstocome。
AndtherewasJohnQuincyAdams。Relyingonhissplendidabilitiesandhiscoolnessinemergencies，hetrustedtoahappyhitatthelastmomenttocarryhimthrough，andwhatwastheresult？DeathsmotehimintheHouseofRepresentatives，andheobserved，casually，"Thisisthelastofearth。"Thelastofearth！Why"thelastofearth"whentherewassomuchmoreleft？Ifhehadsaiditwasthelastroseofsummerorthelastrunofshad，itwouldhavehadasmuchpointinit。Whathemeanttosaywas，"AdamwasthefirstandAdamsisthelastofearth，"butheputitoffatrifletoolong，andsohehadtogowiththatunmeaningobservationonhislips。
AndtherewehaveNapoleon’s"Teted’armee。"Thatdon’tmeananything。
Takenbyitself，"Headofthearmy，"isnomoreimportantthan"Headofthepolice。"Andyetthatwasamanwhocouldhavesaidagoodthingifhehadbarredoutthedoctorandstudiedoveritawhile。MarshalNeil，withhalfacenturyathisdisposal，couldnotdashoffanythingbetterinhislastmomentsthanapoorplagiarismofanotherman’swords，whichwerenotworthplagiarizinginthefirstplace。"TheFrencharmy。"
Perfectlyirrelevant——perfectlyflatutterlypointless。Butifhehadclosedoneeyesignificantly，andsaid，"ThesubscriberhasmadeitlivelyfortheFrencharmy，"andthenthrownalittleofthecomicintohislastgasp，itwouldhavebeenathingtorememberwithsatisfactionalltherestofhislife。Idowishourgreatmenwouldquitsayingtheseflatthingsjustatthemomenttheydie。Letushavetheirnext-
to-the-lastwordsforawhile，andseeifwecannotpatchupfromthemsomethingthatwillbemoresatisfactory。
Thepublicdoesnotwishtobeoutragedinthiswayallthetime。
Butwhenwecometocalltomindthelastwordsofpartieswhotookthetroubletomaketheproperpreparationfortheoccasion，weimmediatelynoticeahappydifferenceintheresult。
TherewasChesterfield。LordChesterfieldhadlabouredallhislifetobuildupthemostshiningreputationforaffabilityandeleganceofspeechandmannerstheworldhaseverseen。Andcouldyousupposehefailedtoappreciatetheefficiencyofcharacteristic"lastwords，"inthematterofseizingthesuccessfullydrivennailofsuchareputationandclinchingontheothersideforever？Nothe。Hepreparedhimself。
Hekepthiseyeontheclockandhisfingeronhispulse。Heawaitedhischance。Andatlast，whenheknewhistimewascome，hepretendedtothinkanewvisitorhadentered，andso，withtherattleinhisthroatemphasisedfordramaticeffect，hesaidtotheservant，"Shinaround，John，andgetthegentlemanachair。"Andsohedied，amidthundersofapplause。
NextwehaveBenjaminFranklin。Franklin，theauthorofPoorRichard’squaintsayings；Franklintheimmortalaxiom-builder，whousedtositupatnightsreducingtherankestoldthreadbareplatitudestocrispandsnappymaximsthathadanice，varnished，originallookintheirregimentals；whosaid，"Virtueisitsownreward；"whosaid，"Procrastinationisthethiefoftime；"whosaid，"Timeandtidewaitfornoman"and"Necessityisthemotherofinvention；"goodoldFranklin，theJoshBillingsoftheeighteenthcentury——though，soothtosay，thelattertranscendshiminproverbialoriginalityasmuchashefallsshortofhimincorrectnessoforthography。WhatsortoftacticsdidFranklinpursue？Heponderedoverhislastwordsforasmuchastwoweeks，andthenwhenthetimecame，hesaid，"Nonebutthebravedeservethefair，"
anddiedhappy。Hecouldnothavesaidasweeterthingifhehadlivedtillhewasanidiot。
Byronmadeapoorbusinessofit，andcouldnotthinkofanythingtosay，atthelastmomentbut，"Augusta——sister——LadyByron——tellHarrietBeecherStowe"——etc。，etc。，——butShakespearewasreadyandsaid，"Englandexpectseverymantodohisduty！"andwentoffwithsplendideclat。
Andthereareotherinstancesofsagaciouspreparationforafelicitousclosingremark。Forinstance：
JoanofArcsaid，"Tramp，tramp，tramptheboysaremarching。"
AlexandertheGreatsaid，"AnotherofthoseSantaCruzpunches，ifyouplease。"
TheEmpressJosephinesaid，"NotforJo-"andcouldgetnofurther。
Cleopatrasaid，"TheOldGuarddies，butneversurrenders。"
SirWalterRaleighsaid，"Executioner，canItakeyourwhetstoneamoment，please？"thoughwhatforisnotclear。
JohnSmithsaid，"Alas，Iamthelastofmyrace。"
QueenElizabethsaid，"Oh，Iwouldgivemykingdomforonemomentmore——
Ihaveforgottenmylastwords。"
AndRedJacket，thenoblestIndianbravethateverwieldedatomahawkindefenceofafriendlessandpersecutedrace，expiredwiththesetouchingwordsuponhislips，"Wawkawampanoosucwinnebayowallazvsagamoresa-
skatchewan。"Therewasnotadryeyeinthewigwam。
Letnotthislessonbelostuponourpublicmen。Letthemtakeahealthymomentforpreparation，andcontrivesomelastwordsthatshallbeneatandtothepoint。LetLouisNapoleonsay，"Iamcontenttofollowmyuncle——still，Idonotwishtoimproveuponhislastword。Putmedownfor’Teted’armee。’"
AndGarretDavis，"Letmerecitetheunabridgeddictionary。"
AndH。G。，"Idesire，now，tosayafewwordsonpoliticaleconomy。"
AndMr。Bergh，"Onlytakepartofmeatatime，iftheloadwillbefatiguingtothehearsehorses。"
AndAndrewJohnson，"Ihavebeenanalderman，MemberofCongress，Governor，Senator，Pres——adieu，youknowtherest。"
AndSeward。，"Alas！-ka。"
AndGrant，"O。"
Allofwhichisrespectfullysubmitted，withthemosthonorableintentions。
M。T。
P。S。——Iamobligedtoleaveouttheillustrations。Theartistfindsitimpossibletomakeapictureofpeople’slastwords。
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