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Those Extraordinary Twins
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Amanwhoisbornwiththenovel-writinggifthasatroublesometimeofitwhenhetriestobuildanovel。Iknowthisfromexperience。Hehasnoclearideaofhisstory;infacthehasnostory。Hemerelyhassomepeopleinhismind,andanincidentortwo,alsoalocality。Heknowsthesepeople,heknowstheselectedlocality,andhetruststhathecanplungethosepeopleintothoseincidentswithinterestingresults。Sohegoestowork。Towriteanovel?No——thatisathoughtwhichcomeslater;inthebeginningheisonlyproposingtotellalittletale;averylittletale;asix-pagetale。Butasitisatalewhichheisnotacquaintedwith,andcanonlyfindoutwhatitisbylisteningasitgoesalongtellingitself,itismorethanapttogoonandonandontillitspreadsitselfintoabook。Iknowaboutthis,becauseithashappenedtomesomanytimes。

AndIhavenoticedanotherthing:thatastheshorttalegrowsintothelongtale,theoriginalintention(ormotif)isapttogetabolishedandfinditselfsupersededbyaquitedifferentone。ItwassointhecaseofamagazinesketchwhichIoncestartedtowrite——afunnyandfantasticsketchaboutaprinceandapauper;itpresentlyassumedagravecastofitsownaccord,andinthatnewshapespreaditselfoutintoabook。

Muchthesamethinghappenedwith"Pudd’nheadWilson。"Ihadasufficientlyhardtimewiththattale,becauseitchangeditselffromafarcetoatragedywhileIwasgoingalongwithit——amostembarrassingcircumstance。Butwhatwasagreatdealworsewas,thatitwasnotonestory,buttwostoriestangledtogether;andtheyobstructedandinterruptedeachotherateveryturnandcreatednoendofconfusionandannoyance。Icouldnotofferthebookforpublication,forIwasafraiditwouldunseatthereader’sreason。Ididnotknowwhatwasthematterwithit,forIhadnotnoticed,asyet,thatitwastwostoriesinone。

Ittookmemonthstomakethatdiscovery。IcarriedthemanuscriptbackandforthacrosstheAtlantictwoorthreetimes,andreaditandstudiedoveritonshipboard;andatlastIsawwherethedifficultylay。Ihadnofurthertrouble。Ipulledoneofthestoriesoutbytheroots,andlefttheotherone——akindofliteraryCaesareanoperation。

WouldthereadercaretoknowsomethingaboutthestorywhichIpulledout?Hehasbeentoldmanyatimehowtheborn-and-trainednovelistworks。Won’theletmeroundandcompletehisknowledgebytellinghimhowthejack-legdoesit?

Originallythestorywascalled"ThoseExtraordinaryTwins。"Imeanttomakeitveryshort。IhadseenapictureofayouthfulItalian"freak"

or"freaks"whichwas——orwhichwere——onexhibitioninourcities——acombinationconsistingoftwoheadsandfourarmsjoinedtoasinglebodyandasinglepairoflegs——andIthoughtIwouldwriteanextravagantlyfantasticlittlestorywiththisfreakofnatureforhero——orheroes——

asillyyoungmissforheroine,andtwooldladiesandtwoboysfortheminorparts。Ilavishlyelaboratedthesepeopleandtheirdoings,ofcourse。Butthetalekeptspreadingalong,andspreadingalong,andotherpeoplegottointrudingthemselvesandtakingupmoreandmoreroomwiththeirtalkandtheiraffairs。AmongthemcameastrangernamedPudd’nheadWilson,andawomannamedRoxana;andpresentlythedoingsofthesetwopushedupintoprominenceayoungfellownamedTomDriscoll,whoseproperplacewasawayintheobscurebackground。Beforethebookwashalffinishedthosethreeweretakingthingsalmostentirelyintotheirownhandsandworkingthewholetaleasaprivateventureoftheirown——atalewhichtheyhadnothingatalltodowith,byrights。

WhenthebookwasfinishedandIcametolookaroundtoseewhathadbecomeoftheteamIhadoriginallystartedoutwith——AuntPatsyCooper,AuntBetsyHale,thetwoboys,andRowenathelight-weightheroine——theywerenowheretobeseen;theyhaddisappearedfromthestorysometimeorother。Ihuntedaboutandfoundthemfoundthemstranded,idle,forgotten,andpermanentlyuseless。Itwasveryawkward。Itwasawkwardallaround;butmoreparticularlyinthecaseofRowena,becausetherewasalove-matchon,betweenherandoneofthetwinsthatconstitutedthefreak,andIhadworkedituptoablisteringheatandthrowninaquitedramaticlove-quarrel,whereinRowenascathinglydenouncedherbetrothedforgettingdrunk,andscoffedathisexplanationofhowithadhappened,andwouldn’tlistentoit,andhaddrivenhimfromherintheusual"forever"way;andnowhereshesatcryingandbroken-hearted;forshehadfoundthathehadspokenonlythetruth;thatitwasnothe,buttheotherhalfofthefreak,thathaddrunktheliquorthatmadehimdrunk;thatherhalfwasaprohibitionistandhadneverdrunkadropinhislife,and,althoughtightasabrickthreedaysintheweek,waswhollyinnocentofblame;andindeed,whensober,wasconstantlydoingallhecouldtoreformhisbrother,theotherhalf,whonevergotanysatisfactionoutofdrinking,anyway,becauseliquorneveraffectedhim。

Yes,hereshewas,strandedwiththatdeepinjusticeofherstorturingherpoortornheart。

Ididn’tknowwhattodowithher。Iwasassorryforherasanybodycouldbe,butthecampaignwasover,thebookwasfinished,shewassidetracked,andtherewasnopossiblewayofcrowdingherin,anywhere。

Icouldnotleaveherthere,ofcourse;itwouldnotdo。Afterspreadingheroutso,andmakingsuchato-dooverheraffairs,itwouldbeabsolutelynecessarytoaccounttothereaderforher。Ithoughtandthoughtandstudiedandstudied;butIarrivedatnothing。Ifinallysawplainlythattherewasreallynowaybutone——Imustsimplygiveherthegrandbounce。Itgrievedmetodoit,forafterassociatingwithhersomuchIhadcometokindoflikeherafterafashion,notwithstandingshewassuchanassandsaidsuchstupidirritatingthingsandwassonauseatinglysentimental。Stillithadtobedone。So,atthetopofChapterXVII,Iputina"Calendar"remarkconcerningJulyFourth,andbeganthechapterwiththisstatistic:

"Rowenawentoutinthebackyardaftersuppertoseethefireworksandfelldownthewellandgotdrowned。"

Itseemedabrupt,butIthoughtmaybethereaderwouldn’tnoticeit,becauseIchangedthesubjectrightawaytosomethingelse。AnywayitloosenedupRowenafromwhereshewasstuckandgotheroutoftheway,andthatwasthemainthing。Itseemedapromptgoodwayofweedingoutpeoplethathadgotstalled,andaplentygoodenoughwayforthoseothers;soIhuntedupthetwoboysandsaid"theywentoutbackonenighttostonethecatandfelldownthewellandgotdrowned。"NextI

searchedaroundandfoundoldAuntPatsyCooperandAuntBetsyHalewheretheywereaground,andsaid"theywentoutbackonenighttovisitthesickandfelldownthewellandgotdrowned。"Iwasgoingtodrownsomeoftheothers,butIgaveuptheidea,partlybecauseIbelievedthatifIkeptthatupitwouldarouseattention,andperhapssympathywiththosepeople,andpartlybecauseitwasnotalargewellandwouldnotholdanymoreanyway。

Stillthestorywasunsatisfactory。Herewasasetofnewcharacterswhowerebecomeinordinatelyprominentandwhopersistedinremainingsototheend;andbackyonderwasanoldersetwhomadealargenoiseandagreatto-doforalittlewhileandthensuddenlyplayedoututterlyandfelldownthewell。Therewasaradicaldefectsomewhere,andImustsearchitoutandcureit。

Thedefectturnedouttobetheonealreadyspokenof——twostoriesinone,afarceandatragedy。SoIpulledoutthefarceandleftthetragedy。Thislefttheoriginalteamin,butonlyasmerenames,notascharacters。Theirprominencewaswhollygone;theywerenotevenworthdrowning;soIremovedthatdetail。AlsoItookthosetwinsapartandmadetwoseparatemenofthem。Theyhadnooccasiontohaveforeignnamesnow,butitwastoomuchtroubletoremovethemallthrough,soI

leftthemchristenedastheywereandmadenoexplanation。

CHAPTERI

THETWINSASTHEYREALLYWERE

TheconglomeratetwinswerebroughtonthethestageinChapterIoftheoriginalextravaganza。AuntPatsyCooperhasreceivedtheirletterapplyingforboardandlodging,andRowena,herdaughter,insanewithjoy,isbeggingforahearingofit:

"Well,setdownthen,andbequietaminuteanddon’tflyaroundso;itfairlymakesmetiredtoseeyou。Itstartsoffso:’HONOREDMADAM’——"

"Ilikethat,ma,don’tyou?Itshowsthey’rehigh-bred。"

"Yes,InoticedthatwhenIfirstreadit。’MybrotherandIhaveseenyouradvertisement,bychance,inacopyofyourlocaljournal——’

"It’ssobeautifulandsmooth,ma-don’tyouthinkso?"

"Yes,seemssotome——’andbegleavetotaketheroomyouoffer。Wearetwenty-fouryearsofage,andtwins——’"

"Twins!Howsweet!Idohopetheyarehandsome,andIjustknowtheyare!Don’tyouhopetheyare,ma?"

"Land,Iain’tparticular。’WeareItaliansbybirth——’"

"It’ssoromantic!Justthinkthere’sneverbeenoneinthistown,andeverybodywillwanttoseethem,andthey’reallours!Thinkofthat!"

"——’buthavelivedlonginthevariouscountriesofEurope,andseveralyearsintheUnitedStates。’"

"Oh,justthinkwhatwondersthey’veseen,ma!Won’titbegoodtohearthemtalk?"

"Ireckonso;yes,Ireckonso。’OurnamesareLuigiandAngeloCapello——

’"

"Beautiful,perfectlybeautiful!NotlikeJonesandRobinsonandthosehorriblenames。"

"’Youdesirebutoneguest,butdearmadam,ifyouwillallowustopayfortwowewillnotdiscommodeyou。Wewillsleeptogetherinthesamebed。Wehavealwaysbeenusedtothis,andpreferit。AndthenhegoesontosaytheywillbedownThursday。"

"AndthisisTuesday——Idon’tknowhowI’mevergoingtowait,ma!Thetimedoesdragalongso,andI’msodyingtoseethem!Whichofthemdoyoureckonisthetallest,ma?"

"Howdoyous’poseIcantell,child?Mostlytheyarethesamesize-twinsare。"

"’Wellthen,whichdoyoureckonisthebestlooking?"

"Goodnessknows——Idon’t。"

"IthinkAngelois;it’stheprettiestname,anyway。Don’tyouthinkit’sasweetname,ma?"

"Yes,it’swellenough。I’dlikebothofthembetterifIknewthewaytopronouncethem——theEyetalianway,Imean。TheMissouriwayandtheEyetalianwayisdifferent,Ijudge。"

"Maybe——yes。It’sLuigithatwritestheletter。WhatdoyoureckonisthereasonAngelodidn’twriteit?"

"Why,howcanItell?What’sthedifferencewhowritesit,solongasit’sdone?"

"Oh,Ihopeitwasn’tbecauseheissick!Youdon’tthinkheissick,doyou,ma?"

"Sickyourgranny;what’stomakehimsick?"

"Oh,there’sneveranytelling。Theseforeignerswiththatkindofnamesaresodelicate,andofcoursethatkindofnamesarenotsuitedtoourclimate——youwouldn’texpectit。"

[Andso-onandso-on,noend。Thetimedragsalong;Thursdaycomes:theboatarrivesinapouringstormtowardmidnight。]

Atlasttherewasaknockatthedoorandtheanxiousfamilyjumpedtoopenit。Twonegromenentered,eachcarryingatrunk,andproceededupstairstowardtheguest-room。Thenfollowedastupefyingapparition——

adouble-headedhumancreaturewithfourarms,onebody,andasinglepairoflegs!It——orthey,asyouplease——bowedwithelaborateforeignformality,buttheCooperscouldnotrespondimmediately;theywereparalyzed。Atthismomenttherecamefromtherearofthegroupaferventejaculation——"Mylan’!"——followedbyacrashofcrockery,andtheslave-wenchNancystoodpetrifiedandstaring,withatrayofwreckedtea-thingsatherfeet。Theincidentbrokethespell,andbroughtthefamilytoconsciousness。Thebeautifulheadsofthenew-comerbowedagain,andoneofthemsaidwitheasygraceanddignity:

"Icravethehonor,madamandmiss,tointroducetoyoumybrother,CountLuigiCapello,"(theotherheadbowed)"andmyself——CountAngelo;andatthesametimeoffersincereapologiesforthelatenessofourcoming,whichwasunavoidable,"andbothheadsbowedagain。

Thepooroldladywasinawhirlofamazementandconfusion,butshemanagedtostammerout:

"I’msureI’mgladtomakeyouracquaintance,sir——Imean,gentlemen。

Asforthedelay,itisnothing,don’tmentionit。ThisismydaughterRowena,sir——gentlemen。Pleasestepintotheparlorandsitdownandhaveabiteandsup;youaredreadfulwetandmustbeuncomfortable——

bothofyou,Imean。"

Buttotheoldlady’srelieftheycourteouslyexcusedthemselves,sayingitwouldbewrongtokeepthefamilyoutoftheirbedslonger;theneachheadbowedinturnandutteredafriendlygoodnight,andthesingularfiguremovedawayinthewakeofRowena’ssmallbrothers,whoborecandles,anddisappearedupthestairs。

Thewidowtotteredintotheparlorandsankintoachairwithagasp,andRowenafollowed,tongue-tiedanddazed。Thetwosatsilentinthethrobbingsummerheatunconsciousofthemillion-voicedmusicofthemosquitoes,unconsciousoftheroaringgale,thelashingandthrashingoftherainalongthewindowsandtheroof,thewhiteglareofthelightning,thetumultuousboomingandbellowingofthethunder;consciousofnothingbutthatprodigy,thatuncannyapparitionthathadcomeandgonesosuddenly——thatweirdstrangethingthatwassosoft-spokenandsogentleofmannerandyethadshakenthemuplikeanearthquakewiththeshockofitsgruesomeaspect。Atlastacoldlittleshudderquiveredalongdownthewidow’smeagerframeandshesaidinaweakvoice:

"Ugh,itwasawfuljustthemerelookofthatphillipene!"

Rowenadidnotanswer。Herfacultieswerestillcaked;shehadnotyetfoundhervoice。Presentlythewidowsaid,alittleresentfully:

"Alwaysbeenusedtosleepingtogether——in-fact,preferit。AndIwasthinkingitwastoaccommodateme。Ithoughtitwasverygoodofthem,whereasapersonsituatedasthatyoungmanis——"

"Ma,yououghtn’ttobeginbygettingupaprejudiceagainsthim。

I’msureheisgood-heartedandmeanswell。Bothofhisfacesshowit。"

"I’mnotsocertainaboutthat。Theoneontheleft——Imeantheoneonit’sleft——hasn’tnearasgoodaface,inmyopinion,asitsbrother。"

"That’sLuigi。"

"Yes,Luigi;anywayit’sthedark-skinnedone;theonethatwaswestofhisbrotherwhentheystoodinthedoor。Uptoallkindsofmischiefanddisobediencewhenhewasaboy,I’llbebound。Ilayhismotherhadtroubletolayherhandonhimwhenshewantedhim。Buttheoneontherightisasgoodasgold,Icanseethat。"

"That’sAngelo。"

"Yes,Angelo,Ireckon,thoughIcan’ttellt’otherfromwhichbytheirnames,yetawhile。Butit’stheright-handone——theblondone。Hehassuchkindblueeyes,andcurlycopperhairandfreshcomplexion——"

"Andsuchanobleface!——oh,itisanobleface,ma,justroyal,youmaysay!Andbeautifuldearyme,howbeautiful!Butbotharethat;thedarkone’sasbeautifulas——apicture。There’snosuchwonderfulfacesandhandsomeheadsinthistownnonethatevenbegin。Andsuchhands,especiallyAngelo’s——soshapelyand——"

"Stuff,howcouldyoutellwhichtheybelongedto?——theyhadgloveson。"

"Why,didn’tIseethemtakeofftheirhats?"

"Thatdon’tsignify。Theymighthavetakenoffeachother’shats。

Nobodycouldtell。Therewasjustawormysquirmingofarmsintheair——seemedtobeacoupleofdozenofthem,allwrithingatonce,anditjustmademedizzytoseethemgo。"

"Why,ma,Ihadn’tanydifficulty。There’stwoarmsoneachshoulder——"

"There,now。Onearmoneachshoulderbelongstoeachofthecreatures,don’tit?Forapersontohavetwoarmsononeshoulderwouldn’tdohimanygood,wouldit?Ofcoursenot。Eachhasanarmoneachshoulder。

Nowthen,youtellmewhichofthembelongstowhich,ifyoucan。Theydon’tknow,themselves——theyjustworkwhicheverarmcomeshandy。Ofcoursetheydo;especiallyiftheyareinahurryandcan’tstoptothinkwhichbelongstowhich。"

Themotherseemedtohavetherightsoftheargument,sothedaughterabandonedthestruggle。Presentlythewidowrosewithayawnandsaid:

"Poorthing,Ihopeitwon’tcatchcold;itwaspowerfulwet,justdrenched,youmaysay。Ihopeithasleftitsbootsoutside,sotheycanbedried。"

Thenshegavealittlestart,andlookedperplexed。

"NowIrememberIheardoneofthemaskJoetocallhimathalfafterseven——Ithinkitwastheoneontheleft——no,itwastheonetotheeastoftheotherone——butIdidn’theartheotheronesayanything。I

wonderifhewantstobecalledtoo。Doyoureckonit’stoolatetoask?"

"Why,ma,it’snotnecessary。Callingoneiscallingboth。Ifonegetsup,theother’sgotto。"

"Sho,ofcourse;Ineverthoughtofthat。Well,comealong,maybewecangetsomesleep,butIdon’tknow,I’msoshookupwithwhatwe’vebeenthrough。"

Thestrangerhadmadeanimpressionontheboys,too。Theyhadawordoftalkastheyweregettingtobed。Henry,thegentle,thehumane,said:

"Ifeeleversosorryforit,don’tyou,Joe?"

ButJoewasaboyofthisworld,active,enterprising,andhadatheatricalsidetohim:

"Sorry?Why,howyoutalk!Itcan’tstirastepwithoutattractingattention。It’sjustgrand!"

Henrysaid,,reproachfully:

"Insteadofpityingit,Joe,youtalkasif——"

"Talkasifwhat?Iknowonethingmightycertain:ifyoucanfixmesoIcaneatfortwoandonlyhavetostubtoesforone,Iain’tgoingtofoolawaynosuchchancejustforsentiment。"

Thetwinswerewetandtired,andtheyproceededtoundresswithout-anypreliminaryremarks。Theabundanceofsleevemadethepartnershipcoathardtogetoff,foritwaslikeskinningatarantula;butitcameatlast,aftermuchtuggingandperspiring。Themutualvestfollowed。Thenthebrothersstoodupbeforetheglass,andeachtookoffhisowncravatandcollar。Thecollarswereofthestandingkind,andcamehighupundertheears,likethesidesofawheelbarrow,asrequiredbythefashionoftheday。Thecravatswereasbroadasabank-bill,withfringedendswhichstoodfarouttorightandleftlikethewingsofadragon-fly,andthisalsowasstrictlyinaccordancewiththefashionofthetime。Eachcravat,astocolor,wasinperfecttaste,sofarasitsowner’scomplexionwasconcerned——adelicatepink,inthecaseoftheblondbrother,aviolentscarletinthecaseofthebrunette——butasacombinationtheybrokeallthelawsoftasteknowntocivilization。

Nothingmorefiendishandirreconcilablethanthoseshriekingandblasphemingcolorscouldhavebeencontrived,Thewetbootsgavenoendoftrouble——toLuigi。Whentheywereoffatlast,Angelosaid,withbitterness:

"Iwishyouwouldn’twearsuchtightboots,theyhurtmyfeet。"

Luigiansweredwithindifference:

"Myfriend,whenIamincommandofourbody,Ichoosemyapparelaccordingtomyownconvenience,asIhaveremarkedmorethanseveraltimesalready。Whenyouareincommand,Ibegyouwilldoasyouplease。"

Angelowashurt,andthetearscameintohiseyes。Therewasgentlereproachinhisvoice,but,notanger,whenhereplied:

"Luigi,Ioftenconsultyourwishes,butyouneverconsultmine。WhenI

amincommandItreatyouasaguest;Itrytomakeyoufeelathome;

whenyouareincommandyoutreatmeasanintruder,youmakemefeelunwelcome。Itembarrassesmecruellyincompany,forIcan,seethatpeoplenoticeitandcommentonit。"

"Oh,damnthepeople,"respondedthebrotherlanguidly,andwiththeairofonewhoistiredofthesubject。

AslightshuddershooktheframeofAngelo,buthesaidnothingandtheconversationceased。Eachbuttonedhisownshareofthenightshirtinsilence;thenLuigi,withPaine’sAgeofReasoninhishand,satdowninonechairandputhisfeetinanotherandlithispipe,whileAngelotookhisWholeDutyofMan,andbothbegantoread。Angelopresentlybegantocough;hiscoughingincreasedandbecamemixedwithgaspingsforbreath,andhewasfinallyobligedtomakeanappealtohisbrother’shumanity:

"Luigi,ifyouwouldonlysmokealittlemildertobacco,IamsureI

couldlearnnottominditintime,butthisissostrong,andthepipeissorankthat——"

"Angelo,Iwouldn’tbesuchababy!Ihavelearnedtosmokeinaweek,andthetroubleisalreadyoverwithme;ifyouwouldtry,youcouldlearntoo,andthenyouwouldstopspoilingmycomfortwithyoureverlastingcomplaints。"

"Ah,brother,thatisastrongword——everlasting——andisn’tquitefair。

IonlycomplainwhenIsuffocate;youknowIdon’tcomplainwhenweareintheopenair。"

"Well,anyway,youcouldlearntosmokeyourself。"

"Butmyprinciples,Luigi,youforgetmyprinciples。YouwouldnothavemedoathingwhichIregardasasin?"

"Oh,bosh!"

Theconversationceasedagain,forAngelowassickanddiscouragedandstrangling;butaftersometimeheclosedhisbookandaskedLuigitosing"FromGreenland’sIcyMountains"withhim,buthewouldnot,andwhenhetriedtosingbyhimselfLuigididhisbesttodrownhisplaintivetenorwitharudeandrollickingsongdeliveredinathunderingbass。

Afterthesingingtherewassilence,andneitherbrotherwashappy。

BeforeblowingthelightoutLuigiswallowedhalfatumblerofwhisky,andAngelo,whosesensitiveorganizationcouldnotendureintoxicantsofanykind,tookapilltokeepitfromgivinghimtheheadache。

CHAPTERII

MACOOPERGETSALLMIXEDUP

Thefamilysatinthebreakfast-roomwaitingforthetwinstocomedown。

Thewidowwasquiet,thedaughterwasalivewithhappyexcitement。Shesaid:

"Ah,they’reaboon,ma,justaboon!don’tyouthinkso?"

"Laws,Ihopeso,Idon’tknow。"

"Why,ma,yesyoudo。They’resofineandhandsome,andhigh-bredandpolite,soeverywaysuperiortoourgawkshereinthisvillage;why,they’llmakelifedifferentfromwhatitwas——sohumdrumandcommonplace,youknow——oh,youmaybesurethey’refullofaccomplishments,andknowledgeoftheworld,andallthat,thatwillbeanimmenseadvantagetosocietyhere。Don’tyouthinkso,ma?"

"Mercyonme,howshouldIknow,andI’vehardlyseteyesonthemyet。"

Afterapausesheadded,"Theymadeconsiderablenoiseaftertheywentup。"

"Noise?Why,ma,theyweresinging!Anditwasbeautiful,too。"

"Oh,itwaswellenough,buttoomixed-up,seemedtome。"

"Now,ma,honorbright,didyoueverhear’Greenland’sIcyMountains’

sungsweeter——nowdidyou?"

"Ifithadbeensungbyitself,itwouldhavebeenuncommonsweet,I

don’tdenyit;butwhattheywantedtomixitupwith’OldBobRidley’

for,Ican’tmakeout。Why,theydon’tgotogether,atall。Theyarenotofthesamenature。’BobRidley’isacommonracketyslam-bangsecularsong,oneoftherippingestandrantingestandnoisiestthereis。

Iamnojudgeofmusic,andIdon’tclaimit,butinmyopinionnobodycanmakethosetwosongsgotogetherright。"

"Why,ma,Ithought——"

"Itdon’tmakeanydifferencewhatyouthought,itcan’tbedone。Theytriedit,andtomyminditwasafailure。Ineverheardsuchacrazyuproar;seemedtome,sometimes,theroofwouldcomeoff;andasforthecats——well,I’velivedamanyayear,andseencatsaggravatedinmorewaysthanone,butI’veneverseencatstakeonthewaytheytookonlastnight。"

"Well,Idon’tthinkthatthatgoesforanything,ma,becauseitisthenatureofcatsthatanysoundthatisunusual——"

"Unusual!Youmaywellcallitso。Nowiftheyaregoingtosingduetseverynight,Idohopetheywillbothsingthesametuneatthesametime,forinmyopinionaduetthatismadeupoftwodifferenttunesisamistake;especiallywhenthetunesain’tanykintooneanother,thatway。"

"But,ma,Ithinkitmustbeaforeigncustom;anditmustberighttoo;

andthebestway,becausetheyhavehadeveryopportunitytoknowwhatisright,anditdon’tstandtoreasonthatwiththeireducationtheywoulddoanythingbutwhatthehighestmusicalauthoritieshavesanctioned。

Youcan’thelpbutadmitthat,ma。"

Theargumentwasformidablystrong;theoldladycouldnotfindanywayaroundit;so,afterthinkingitoverawhileshegaveinwithasighofdiscontent,andadmittedthatthedaughter’spositionwasprobablycorrect。Beingvanquished,shehadnomindtocontinuethetopicatthatdisadvantage,andwasabouttoseekachangewhenachangecameofitself。Afootstepwasheardonthestairs,andshesaid:

"There-he’scoming!"

"They,ma——yououghttosaythey——it’snearerright。"

Thenewlodger,rathershoutinglydressedbutlookingsuperblyhandsome,steppedwithcourtlycarnageintothetrimlittlebreakfast-roomandputoutallhiscordialarmsatonce,likeoneofthosepocket-kniveswithamultiplicityofblades,andshookhandswiththewholefamilysimultaneously。Hewassoeasyandpleasantandheartythatallembarrassmentpresentlythawedawayanddisappeared,andacheeryfeelingoffriendlinessandcomradeshiptookitsplace。He——orpreferablythey——wereaskedtooccupytheseatofhonoratthefootofthetable。Theyconsentedwiththanks,andcarvedthebeefsteakwithonesetoftheirhandswhiletheydistributeditatthesametimewiththeotherset。

"Willyouhavecoffee,gentlemen,ortea?"

"CoffeeforLuigi,ifyouplease,madam,teaforme。"

"Creamandsugar?"

"Forme,yes,madam;Luigitakeshiscoffee,black。Ournaturesdifferagooddealfromeachother,andourtastesalso。"

ThefirsttimethenegrogirlNancyappearedinthedoorandsawthetwoheadsturnedinoppositedirectionsandbothtalkingatonce,thensawthecomminglingarmsfeedpotatoesintoonemouthandcoffeeintotheotheratthesametime,shehadtopauseandpullherselfoutofafaintnessthatcameoverher;butafterthatsheheldhergripandwasabletowaitonthetablewithfaircourage。

Conversationfellnaturallyintothecustomarygrooves。Itwasalittlejerky,atfirst,becausenoneofthefamilycouldgetsmoothlythroughasentencewithoutawabbleinithereandabreakthere,causedbysomenewsurpriseinthewayofattitudeorgestureonthepartofthetwins。

Theweathersufferedthemost。Theweatherwasallfinishedupanddisposedof,asasubject,beforethesimpleMissourianshadgottensufficientlywontedtothespectacleofonebodyfeedingtwoheadstofeelcomposedandreconciledinthepresenceofsobizarreamiracle。

Andevenaftereverybody’smindbecametranquilizedtherewasstilloneslightdistractionleft:thehandthatpickedupabiscuitcarriedittothewronghead,asoftenasanyotherway,andthewrongmouthdevouredit。Thiswasapuzzlingthing,andmarredthetalkalittle。Itbotheredthewidowtosuchadegreethatshepresentlydroppedoutoftheconversationwithoutknowingit,andfelltowatchingandguessingandtalkingtoherself:

"Nowthathandisgoingtotakethatcoffeetono,it’sgonetotheothermouth;Ican’tunderstandit;andhow,hereisthedark-complectedhandwithapotatoinitsfork,I’llseewhatgoeswithit——there,thelight-complectedhead’sgotit,assureasIlive!"

FinallyRowenasaid:

"Ma,whatisthematterwithyou?Areyoudreamingaboutsomething?"

Theoldladycametoherselfandblushed;thensheexplainedwiththefirstrandomthingthatcameintohermind:"IsawMr。AngelotakeupMr。

Luigi’scoffee,andIthoughtmaybehe——sha’n’tIgiveyouacup,Mr。

Angelo?"

"Ohno,madam,Iamverymuchobliged,butIneverdrinkcoffee,muchasIwouldliketo。YoudidseemetakeupLuigi’scup,itistrue,butifyounoticed,Ididn’tcarryittomymouth,buttohis。"

"Y-es,Ithoughtyoudid:Didyoumeanto?"

"How?"

Thewidowwasalittleembarrassedagain。Shesaid:

"Idon’tknowbutwhatI’mfoolish,andyoumustn’tmind;butyousee,hegotthecoffeeIwasexpectingtoseeyoudrink,andyougotapotatothatIthoughthewasgoingtoget。SoIthoughtitmightbeamistakeallaround,andeverybodygettingwhatwasn’tintendedforhim。"

BothtwinslaughedandLuigisaid:

"Dearmadam,therewasn’tanymistake。Wearealwayshelpingeachotherthatway。Itisagreateconomyforusboth;itsavestimeandlabor。

Wehaveasystemofsignswhichnobodycannoticeorunderstandbutourselves。IfIamusingbothmyhandsandwantsomecoffee,ImakethesignandAngelofurnishesittome;andyousawthatwhenheneededapotatoIdeliveredit。"

"Howconvenient!"

"Yes,andoftenoftheextremestvalue。TaketheMississippiboats,forinstance。Theyarealwaysovercrowded。Thereistable-roomforonlyhalfofthepassengers,thereforetheyhavetosetasecondtableforthesecondhalf。Thestewardsrushbothparties,theygivethemnotimetoeatasatisfyingmeal,bothdivisionsleavethetablehungry。Itisn’tsowithus。Angelobookshimselffortheonetable,Ibookmyselffortheother。Neitherofuseatsanythingattheother’stable,butjustsimplyworks——works。Thus,youseetherearefourhandstofeedAngelo,andthesamefourtofeedme。Eachofuseatstwomeals。"

Theoldladywasdazedwithadmiration,andkeptsaying,"Itisperfectlywonderful,perfectlywonderful"andtheboyJoelickedhischopsenviously,butsaidnothing——atleastaloud。

"Yes,"continuedLuigi,"ourconstructionmayhaveitsdisadvantages——infact,hasbutitalsohasitscompensationsofonesortandanother。Taketravel,forinstance。Travelisenormouslyexpensive,inallcountries;

wehavebeenobligedtodoavastdealofit——come,Angelo,don’tputanymoresugarinyourtea,I’mjustoveroneindigestionanddon’twantanotherrightaway——beenobligedtodoadealofit,asIwassaying。

Well,wealwaystravelasoneperson,sinceweoccupybutoneseat;sowesavehalfthefare。"

"Howromantic!"interjectedRowena,witheffusion。

"Yes,mydearyounglady,andhowpracticaltoo,andeconomical。InEurope,bedsinthehotelsarenotchargedwiththeboard,butseparately——anothersaving,forwestoodtoourrightsandpaidfortheonebedonly。Thelandlordsofteninsistedthatasbothofusoccupiedthebedweought——"

"No,theydidn’t,"saidAngelo。"Theydiditonlytwice,andinbothcasesitwasadoublebed——ararethinginEurope——andthedoublebedgavethemsomeexcuse。Befairtothelandlords;twicedoesn’tconstitute’often。’"

"Well,thatdepends——thatdepends。Iknewamanwhofelldownawelltwice。Hesaidhedidn’tmindthefirsttime,buthethoughtthesecondtimewasoncetoooften。HaveImisusedthatword,Mrs。Cooper?"

"Totellthetruth,Iwasafraidyouhad,butitseemstolook,now,likeyouhadn’t。"Shestopped,andwasevidentlystrugglingwiththedifficultproblemamoment,thensheaddedinthetoneofonewhoisconvincedwithoutbeingconverted,"Itseemsso,butIcan’tsomehowtellwhy。"

RowenathoughtLuigi’sretortwaswonderfullyquickandbright,andsheremarkedtoherselfwithsatisfactionthattherewasn’tanyyoungnativeofDawson’sLandingthatcouldhaverisentotheoccasionlikethat。

Luigidetectedtheapplauseinherface,andexpressedhispleasureandhisthankswithhiseyes;andsoeloquentlywithal,thatthegirlwasproudandpleased,andhungoutthedelicatesignofitonhercheeks。

Luigiwenton,withanimation:

"Bothofusgetabathforoneticket,theaterseatforoneticket,pew-rentisonthesamebasis,butatpeep-showswepaydouble。"

"Wehavemuchto’bethankfulfor,"saidAngelo,impressively,withareverentlightinhiseyeandareminiscenttoneinhisvoice,"wehavebeengreatlyblessed。Asarule,whatoneofushaslacked,theother,bythebountyofProvidence,hasbeenabletosupply。Mybrotherishardy,Iamnot;heisverymasculine,assertive,aggressive;Iammuchlessso。Iamsubjecttoillness,heisneverill。Icannotabidemedicines,andcannottakethem,buthehasnoprejudiceagainstthem,and——"

"Why,goodnessgracious,"interruptedthewidow,"whenyouaresick,doeshetakethemedicineforyou?"

"Always,madam。"

"Why,Ineverheardsuchathinginmylife!Ithinkit’sbeautifulofyou。"

"Oh,madam,it’snothing,don’tmentionit,it’sreallynothingatall。"

"ButIsayit’sbeautiful,andIsticktoit!"criedthewidow,withaspeakingmoistureinhereye。

"Awellbrothertotakethemedicineforhispoorsickbrother——IwishI

hadsuchason,"andsheglancedreproachfullyatherboys。"IdeclareI’llneverresttillI’veshookyoubythehand,"andshescrambledoutofherchairinafeverofgenerousenthusiasm,andmadeforthetwins,blindwithhertears,andbegantoshake。TheboyJoecorrectedher:

"You’reshakingthewrongone,ma。"

Thisflurriedher,butshemadeaswiftchangeandwentonshaking。

"Gotthewrongoneagain,ma,"saidtheboy。

"Oh,shutup,can’tyou!"saidthewidow,embarrassedandirritated。

"Givemeallyourhands,Iwanttoshakethemall;forIknowyouarebothjustasgoodasyoucanbe。"

Itwasavictoriousthought,amaster-strokeofdiplomacy,thoughthatneveroccurredtoherandshecarednothingfordiplomacy。Sheshookthefourhandsinturncordially,andwentbacktoherplaceinastateofhighandfineexultationthatmadeherlookyoungandhandsome。

"IndeedIoweeverythingtoLuigi,"saidAngelo,affectionately。

"ButforhimIcouldnothavesurvivedourboyhooddays,whenwewerefriendlessandpoor——ah,sopoor!Welivedfromhandtomouth-livedonthecoarsefareofunwillingcharity,andforweeksandweekstogethernotamorseloffoodpassedmylips,foritscharacterrevoltedmeandI

couldnoteatit。ButforLuigiIshouldhavedied。Heateforusboth。"

"Hownoble!"sighedRowena。

"Doyouhearthat?"saidthewidow,severely,toherboys。"Letitbeanexampletoyou——Imeanyou,Joe。"

Joegavehisheadabarelyperceptibledisparagingtossandsaid:"Etforboth。Itain’tanythingI’d’a’doneit。"

"Hush,ifyouhaven’tgotanybettermannersthanthat。Youdon’tseethepointatall。Itwasn’tgoodfood。"

"Idon’tcare——itwasfood,andI’d’a’etitifitwasrotten。"

"Shame!Suchlanguage!Can’tyouunderstand?Theywerestarving-

actuallystarving——andheateforboth,and——"

"Shucks!yougimmeachanceandI’ll——"

"There,now——closeyourhead!anddon’tyouopenitagaintillyou’reasked。"

[AngelogoesonandtellshowhisparentstheCountandCountesshadtoflyfromFlorenceforpoliticalreasons,anddiedpoorinBerlinbereftoftheirgreatpropertybyconfiscation;andhowheandLuigihadtotravelwithafreak-showduringtwoyearsandsuffersemi-starvation。]

"Thathatefulblack-bread;butIseldomateanythingduringthattime;

thatwaspoorLuigi’saffair——"

"I’llneverMisterhimagain!"criedthewidow,withstrongemotion,"he’sLuigitome,fromthisout!"

"Thankyouathousandtimes,madam,athousandtimes!thoughintruthI

don’tdeserveit。"

"Ah,Luigiisalwaysthefortunateonewhenhonorsareshowering,"saidAngelo,plaintively;"nowwhathaveIdone,Mrs。Cooper,thatyouleavemeout?Come,youmuststrainapointinmyfavor。"

"CallyouAngelo?Why,certainlyIwill;whatareyouthinkingof!Inthecaseoftwins,why——"

"But,ma,you’rebreakingupthestory——dolethimgoon。"

"Youkeepstill,RowenaCooper,andhecangoonallthebetter,I

reckon。Oneinterruptiondon’thurt,it’stwothatmakesthetrouble。"

"Butyou’veaddedone,now,andthatisthree。"

"Rowena!Iwillnotallowyoutotalkbackatmewhenyouhavegotnothingrationaltosay。"

CHAPTERIII

ANGELOISBLUE

[Afterbreakfastthewholevillagecrowdedin,andtherewasagrandreceptioninhonorofthetwins;andatthecloseofitthegifted"freak"capturedeverybody’sadmirationbysittingdownatthepianoandknockingoutaclassicfour-handedpieceingreatstyle。Thenthejudgetookit——orthem——drivinginhisbuggyandshowedoffhisvillage。]

Allalongthestreetsthepeoplecrowdedthewindowsandstaredattheamazingtwins。Troopsofsmallboysflockedafterthebuggy,excitedandyelling。Atfirstthedogsshowednointerest。Theythoughttheymerelysawthreemeninabuggy——amatterofnoconsequence;butwhentheyfoundoutthefactsofthecase,theyalteredtheiropinionprettyradically,andjoinedtheboys,expressingtheirmindsastheycame。Otherdogsgotinterested;indeed,allthedogs。Itwasaspiritedsighttoseethemcomeleapingfences,tearingaroundcorners,swarmingoutofeverybystreetandalley。Thenoisetheymadewassomethingbeyondbelief——

orpraise。Theydidnotseemtobemovedbymalicebutonlybyprejudice,thecommonhumanprejudiceagainstlackofconformity。Ifthetwinsturnedtheirheads,theybrokeandfledineverydirection,butstoppedatasafedistanceandfacedabout;andthenformedandcameonagainassoonasthestrangersshowedthemtheirback。Negroesandfarmers’wivestooktothewoodswhenthebuggycameuponthemsuddenly,andaltogetherthedrivewaspleasantandanimated,andarefreshmentallaround。

[Itwasalongandlivelydrive。AngelowasaMethodist,LuigiwasaFree-thinker。ThejudgewasveryproudofhisFreethinkers’

Society,whichwasflourishingalonginamostprosperouswayandalreadyhadtwomembers——himselfandtheobscureandneglectedPudd’nheadWilson。Itwastomeetthatevening,andheinvitedLuigitojoin;athingwhichLuigiwasgladtodo,partlybecauseitwouldpleasehimself,andpartlybecauseitwouldgravelAngelo。]

Theyhadnowarrivedatthewidow’sgate,andtheexcursionwasended。

Thetwinspolitelyexpressedtheirobligationsforthepleasantoutingwhichhadbeenaffordedthem;towhichthejudgebowedhisthanks,andthensaidhewouldnowgoandarrangefortheFree-thinkers’meeting,andwouldcallforCountLuigiintheevening。

"Foryoualso,dearsir,"headdedhastily,turningtoAngeloandbowing。

"Inaddressingmyselfparticularlytoyourbrother,Iwasnotmeaningtoleaveyouout。Itwasanunintentionalrudeness,Iassureyou,andduewhollytoaccident——accidentandpreoccupation。Ibegyoutoforgiveme。"

HisquickeyehadseenthesensitivebloodmountintoAngelo’sface,betrayingthewoundthathadbeeninflicted。Thestingoftheslighthadgonedeep,buttheapologywassoprompt,andsoevidentlysincere,thatthehurtwasalmostimmediatelyhealed,andaforgivingsmiletestifiedtothekindlyjudgethatallwaswellagain。

ConcealedbehindAngelo’smodestandunassumingexterior,andunsuspectedbyanybuthisintimates,wasaloftypride,aprideofalmostabnormalproportions,indeed,andthisrenderedhimeverthepreyofslights;andalthoughtheywerealmostalwaysimaginaryones,theyhurtnonethelessonthataccount。ByillfortunejudgeDriscollhadhappenedtotouchhissorestpoint,i。e。,hisconvictionthathisbrother’spresencewaswelcomereverywherethanhisown;thathewasofteninvited,outofmerecourtesy,whereonlyhisbrotherwaswanted,andthatinamajorityofcaseshewouldnotbeincludedinaninvitationifhecouldbeleftoutwithoutoffense。Asensitivenaturelikethisisnecessarilysubjecttomoods;moodswhichtraversethewholegamutoffeeling;moodswhichknowalltheclimesofemotion,fromthesunnyheightsofjoytotheblackabyssesofdespair。Attimes,inhisseasonsofdeepestdepressions,Angeloalmostwishedthatheandhisbrothermightbecomesegregatedfromeachotherandbeseparateindividuals,likeothermen。Butofcourseassoonashismindclearedandthesediseasedimaginingspassedaway,heshudderedattherepulsivethought,andearnestlyprayedthatitmightvisithimnomore。Tobeseparate,andasothermenare!Howawkwarditwouldseem;howunendurable。Whatwouldhedowithhishands,hisarms?

Howwouldhislegsfeel?Howodd,andstrange,andgrotesqueeveryaction,attitude,movement,gesturewouldbe。Tosleepbyhimself,eatbyhimself,walkbyhimself——howlonely,howunspeakablylonely!No,no,anyfatebutthat。Ineverywayandfromeverypoint,theideawasrevolting。

Thiswasofcoursenatural;tohavefeltotherwisewouldhavebeenunnatural。Hehadknownnolifebutacombinedone;hehadbeenfamiliarwithitfromhisbirth;hewasnotabletoconceiveofanyotherasbeingagreeable,orevenbearable。Tohim,intheprivacyofhissecretthoughts,allothermenweremonsters,deformities:andduringthree-fourthsofhislifetheiraspecthadfilledhimwithwhatpromisedtobeanunconquerableaversion。Butateighteenhiseyebegantotakenoteoffemalebeauty;andlittlebylittle,undefinedlongingsgrewupinhisheart,underwhosesofteninginfluencestheoldstubbornaversiongraduallydiminished,andfinallydisappeared。Menwerestillmonstrositiestohim,stilldeformities,andinhissobermomentshehadnodesiretobelikethem,buttheirstrangeandunsocialanduncannyconstructionwasnolongeroffensivetohim。

Thishadbeenaharddayforhim,physicallyandmentally。HehadbeencalledinthemorningbeforehehadquitesleptofftheeffectsoftheliquorwhichLuigihaddrunk;andso,forthefirsthalf-hourhadhadtheseedyfeeling,andlanguor,thebroodingdepression,thecobwebbymouthanddruggytastethatcomeofdissipationandaresoillapreparationforbodilyorintellectualactivities;thelongviolentstrainofthereceptionhadfollowed;andthishadbeenfollowed,inturn,bythedrearysight-seeing,thejudge’swearyingexplanationsandlaudationsofthesights,andthestupefyingclamorofthedogs。Asacongruousconclusion,afittingend,hisfeelingshadbeenhurt,aslighthadbeenputuponhim。Hewouldhavebeengladtoforegodinnerandbetakehimselftorestandsleep,butheheldhispeaceandsaidnoword,forheknewhisbrother,Luigi,wasfresh,unweary,fulloflife,spirit,energy;hewouldhavescoffedattheideaofwastingvaluabletimeonabedorasofa,andwouldhaverefusedpermission。

【推荐阅读】幽幽深宫,醒来一梦似千年,重生于下堂妃身躯中的她,将如何手刃仇人? 点击阅读

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