CHAPTERI——HISLEAVINGITTILLCALLEDFOR

ThewriterofthesehumblelinesbeingaWaiter，andhavingcomeofafamilyofWaiters，andowningatthepresenttimefivebrotherswhoareallWaiters，andlikewiseanonlysisterwhoisaWaitress，wouldwishtoofferafewwordsrespectinghiscalling；firsthavingthepleasureofherebyinafriendlymannerofferingtheDedicationofthesameuntoJOSEPH，muchrespectedHeadWaiterattheSlamjamCoffee-house，London，E。C。，thanwhichaindividualmoreeminentlydeservingofthenameofman，oramoreamenablehonourtohisownheadandheart，whetherconsideredinthelightofaWaiterorregardedasahumanbeing，donotexist。

Incaseconfusionshouldariseinthepublicmind（whichitisopentoconfusiononmanysubjects）respectingwhatismeantorimpliedbythetermWaiter，thepresenthumblelineswouldwishtoofferanexplanation。ItmaynotbegenerallyknownthatthepersonasgoesouttowaitisNOTaWaiter。Itmaynotbegenerallyknownthatthehandasiscalledinextra，attheFreemasons’Tavern，ortheLondon，ortheAlbion，orotherwise，isNOTaWaiter。SuchhandsmaybetookonforPublicDinnersbythebushel（andyoumayknowthembytheirbreathingwithdifficultywheninattendance，andtakingawaythebottleereyetitishalfout）；butsuchareNOT

Waiters。Foryoucannotlaydownthetailoring，ortheshoemaking，orthebrokering，orthegreen-grocering，orthepictorial-

periodicalling，orthesecond-handwardrobe，orthesmallfancybusinesses，——youcannotlaydownthoselinesoflifeatyourwillandpleasurebythehalf-dayorevening，andtakeupWaitering。Youmaysupposeyoucan，butyoucannot；oryoumaygosofarastosayyoudo，butyoudonot。Noryetcanyoulaydownthegentleman’s-

servicewhenstimulatedbyprolongedincompatibilityonthepartofCooks（andhereitmayberemarkedthatCookingandIncompatibilitywillbemostlyfoundunited），andtakeupWaitering。Ithasbeenascertainedthatwhatagentlemanwillsitmeekunder，athome，hewillnotbearoutofdoors，attheSlamjamoranysimilarestablishment。Then，whatistheinferencetobedrawnrespectingtrueWaitering？Youmustbebredtoit。Youmustbeborntoit。

Wouldyouknowhowborntoit，FairReader，——ifoftheadorablefemalesex？ThenlearnfromthebiographicalexperienceofonethatisaWaiterinthesixty-firstyearofhisage。

Youwereconveyed，——ereyetyourdawningpowerswereotherwisedevelopedthantoharbourvacancyinyourinside，——youwereconveyed，bysurreptitiousmeans，intoapantryadjoiningtheAdmiralNelson，CivicandGeneralDining-Rooms，theretoreceivebystealththathealthfulsustenancewhichistheprideandboastoftheBritishfemaleconstitution。Yourmotherwasmarriedtoyourfather（himselfadistantWaiter）intheprofoundestsecrecy；foraWaitressknowntobemarriedwouldruinthebestofbusinesses，——itisthesameasonthestage。Henceyourbeingsmuggledintothepantry，andthat——toaddtotheinfliction——byanunwillinggrandmother。Underthecombinedinfluenceofthesmellsofroastandboiled，andsoup，andgas，andmaltliquors，youpartookofyourearliestnourishment；yourunwillinggrandmothersittingpreparedtocatchyouwhenyourmotherwascalledanddroppedyou；yourgrandmother’sshawleverreadytostifleyournaturalcomplainings；

yourinnocentmindsurroundedbyuncongenialcruets，dirtyplates，dish-covers，andcoldgravy；yourmothercallingdownthepipeforvealsandporks，insteadofsoothingyouwithnurseryrhymes。Undertheseuntowardcircumstancesyouwereearlyweaned。Yourunwillinggrandmother，evergrowingmoreunwillingasyourfoodassimilatedless，thencontractedhabitsofshakingyoutillyoursystemcurdled，andyourfoodwouldnotassimilateatall。Atlengthshewasnolongerspared，andcouldhavebeenthankfullysparedmuchsooner。Whenyourbrothersbegantoappearinsuccession，yourmotherretired，leftoffhersmartdressing（shehadpreviouslybeenasmartdresser），andherdarkringlets（whichhadpreviouslybeenflowing），andhauntedyourfatherlateofnights，lyinginwaitforhim，throughallweathers，uptheshabbycourtwhichledtothebackdooroftheRoyalOldDust-Bin（saidtohavebeensonamedbyGeorgetheFourth），whereyourfatherwasHead。ButtheDust-Binwasgoingdownthen，andyourfathertookbutlittle，——exceptingfromaliquidpointofview。Yourmother’sobjectinthosevisitswasofahouse-

keepingcharacter，andyouwassetontowhistleyourfatherout。

Sometimeshecameout，butgenerallynot。Comeornotcome，however，allthatpartofhisexistencewhichwasunconnectedwithopenWaiteringwaskeptaclosesecret，andwasacknowledgedbyyourmothertobeaclosesecret，andyouandyourmotherflittedaboutthecourt，closesecretsbothofyou，andwouldscarcelyhaveconfessedundertorturethatyouknowyourfather，orthatyourfatherhadanynamethanDick（whichwasn’thisname，thoughhewasneverknownbyanyother），orthathehadkithorkinorchickorchild。Perhapstheattractionofthismystery，combinedwithyourfather’shavingadampcompartment，tohimself，behindaleakycistern，attheDust-Bin，——asortofacellarcompartment，withasinkinit，andasmell，andaplate-rack，andabottle-rack，andthreewindowsthatdidn’tmatcheachotheroranythingelse，andnodaylight，——causedyouryoungmindtofeelconvincedthatyoumustgrowuptobeaWaitertoo；butyoudidfeelconvincedofit，andsodidallyourbrothers，downtoyoursister。EveryoneofyoufeltconvincedthatyouwasborntotheWaitering。Atthisstageofyourcareer，whatwasyourfeelingsonedaywhenyourfathercamehometoyourmotherinopenbroaddaylight，——ofitselfanactofMadnessonthepartofaWaiter，——andtooktohisbed（leastwise，yourmotherandfamily’sbed），withthestatementthathiseyesweredevilledkidneys。Physiciansbeinginvain，yourfatherexpired，afterrepeatingatintervalsforadayandanight，whengleamsofreasonandoldbusinessfitfullyilluminatedhisbeing，"Twoandtwoisfive。Andthreeissixpence。"Interredintheparochialdepartmentoftheneighbouringchurchyard，andaccompaniedtothegravebyasmanyWaitersoflongstandingascouldsparethemorningtimefromtheirsoiledglasses（namely，one），yourbereavedformwasattiredinawhiteneckankecher，andyouwastookonfrommotivesofbenevolenceatTheGeorgeandGridiron，theatricalandsupper。

Here，supportingnatureonwhatyoufoundintheplates（whichwasasithappened，andbuttoooftenthoughtlessly，immersedinmustard），andonwhatyoufoundintheglasses（whichrarelywentbeyonddribletsandlemon），bynightyoudroppedasleepstanding，tillyouwascuffedawake，andbydaywassettopolishingeveryindividualarticleinthecoffee-room。Yourcouchbeingsawdust；

yourcounterpanebeingashesofcigars。Here，frequentlyhidingaheavyheartunderthesmarttieofyourwhiteneckankecher（orcorrectlyspeakinglowerdownandmoretotheleft），youpickeduptherudimentsofknowledgefromanextra，bythenameofBishops，andbycallingplate-washer，andgraduallyelevatingyourmindwithchalkonthebackofthecorner-boxpartition，untilsuchtimeasyouusedtheinkstandwhenitwasoutofhand，attainedtomanhood，andtobetheWaiterthatyoufindyourself。

Icouldwishheretoofferafewrespectfulwordsonbehalfofthecallingsolongthecallingofmyselfandfamily，andthepublicinterestinwhichisbuttoooftenverylimited。Wearenotgenerallyunderstood。No，wearenot。Allowanceenoughisnotmadeforus。For，saythatweevershowalittledroopinglistlessnessofspirits，orwhatmightbetermedindifferenceorapathy。Putittoyourselfwhatwouldyourownstateofmindbe，ifyouwasoneofanenormousfamilyeverymemberofwhichexceptyouwasalwaysgreedy，andinahurry。Putittoyourselfthatyouwasregularlyrepletewithanimalfoodattheslackhoursofoneinthedayandagainatninep。m。，andthattherepleteryouwas，themorevoraciousallyourfellow-creaturescamein。Putittoyourselfthatitwasyourbusiness，whenyourdigestionwaswellon，totakeapersonalinterestandsympathyinahundredgentlemenfreshandfresh（say，forthesakeofargument，onlyahundred），whoseimaginationswasgivenuptogreaseandfatandgravyandmeltedbutter，andabandonedtoquestioningyouaboutcutsofthis，anddishesofthat，——eachof’emgoingonasifhimandyouandthebilloffarewasaloneintheworld。Thenlookwhatyouareexpectedtoknow。Youareneverout，buttheyseemtothinkyouregularlyattendeverywhere。"What’sthis，Christopher，thatIhearaboutthesmashedExcursionTrain？HowaretheydoingattheItalianOpera，Christopher？""Christopher，whataretherealparticularsofthisbusinessattheYorkshireBank？"SimilarlyaministrygivesmemoretroublethanitgivestheQueen。AstoLordPalmerston，theconstantandwearingconnectionintowhichIhavebeenbroughtwithhislordshipduringthelastfewyearsisdeservingofapension。

ThenlookattheHypocriteswearemade，andthelies（white，I

hope）thatareforceduponus！Whymustasedentary-pursuitedWaiterbeconsideredtobeajudgeofhorseflesh，andtohaveamosttremendousinterestinhorse-trainingandracing？Yetitwouldbehalfourlittleincomesoutofourpocketsifwedidn’ttakeontohavethosesportingtastes。Itisthesame（inconceivablewhy！）

withFarming。Shooting，equallyso。IamsurethatsoregularasthemonthsofAugust，September，andOctobercomeround，IamashamedofmyselfinmyownprivatebosomforthewayinwhichI

makebelievetocarewhetherornotthegrouseisstrongonthewing（muchtheirwings，ordrumstickseither，signifiestome，uncooked！），andwhetherthepartridgesisplentifulamongtheturnips，andwhetherthepheasantsisshyorbold，oranythingelseyoupleasetomention。Yetyoumayseeme，oranyotherWaiterofmystanding，holdingonbythebackofthebox，andleaningoveragentlemanwithhispurseoutandhisbillbeforehim，discussingthesepointsinaconfidentialtoneofvoice，asifmyhappinessinlifeentirelydependedon’em。

Ihavementionedourlittleincomes。Lookatthemostunreasonablepointofall，andthepointonwhichthegreatestinjusticeisdoneus！Whetheritisowingtoouralwayscarryingsomuchchangeinourright-handtrousers-pocket，andsomanyhalfpenceinourcoat-

tails，orwhetheritishumannature（whichIwerelothtobelieve），whatismeantbytheeverlastingfablethatHeadWaitersisrich？

Howdidthatfablegetintocirculation？Whofirstputitabout，andwhatarethefactstoestablishtheunblushingstatement？Comeforth，thouslanderer，andreferthepublictotheWaiter’swillinDoctors’Commonssupportingthymalignanthiss！Yetthisissocommonlydweltupon——especiallybythescrewswhogiveWaiterstheleast——thatdenialisvain；andweareobliged，forourcredit’ssake，tocarryourheadsasifweweregoingintoabusiness，whenofthetwowearemuchmorelikelytogointoaunion。TherewasformerlyascrewasfrequentedtheSlamjamereyetthepresentwriterhadquittedthatestablishmentonaquestionoftea-inghisassistantstaffoutofhisownpocket，whichscrewcarriedthetaunttoitsbitterestheight。Neversoaringabovethreepence，andasoftenasnotgrovellingontheearthapennylower，heyetrepresentedthepresentwriterasalargeholderofConsols，alenderofmoneyonmortgage，aCapitalist。HehasbeenoverheardtodilatetoothercustomersontheallegationthatthepresentwriterputoutthousandsofpoundsatinterestinDistilleriesandBreweries。"Well，Christopher，"hewouldsay（havinggrovelledhislowestontheearth，halfamomentbefore），"lookingoutforaHousetoopen，eh？Can’tfindabusinesstobedisposedofonascaleasisuptoyourresources，humph？"Tosuchadizzyprecipiceoffalsehoodhasthismisrepresentationtakenwing，thatthewell-knownandhighly-respectedOLDCHARLES，longeminentattheWestCountryHotel，andbysomeconsideredtheFatheroftheWaitering，foundhimselfundertheobligationtofallintoitthroughsomanyyearsthathisownwife（forhehadanunbeknownoldladyinthatcapacitytowardshimself）believedit！Andwhatwastheconsequence？WhenhewasbornetohisgraveontheshouldersofsixpickedWaiters，withsixmoreforchange，sixmoreactingaspall-bearers，allkeepingstepinapouringshowerwithoutadryeyevisible，andaconcourseonlyinferiortoRoyalty，hispantryandlodgingswasequallyransackedhighandlowforproperty，andnonewasfound！

Howcoulditbefound，when，beyondhislastmonthlycollectionofwalking-sticks，umbrellas，andpocket-handkerchiefs（whichhappenedtohavebeennotyetdisposedof，thoughhehadeverbeenthroughlifepunctualinclearingoffhiscollectionsbythemonth），therewasnopropertyexisting？Such，however，istheforceofthisuniversallibel，thatthewidowofOldCharles，atthepresenthouraninmateoftheAlmshousesoftheCork-Cutters’Company，inBlueAnchorRoad（identifiedsittingatthedoorofoneof’em，inacleancapandaWindsorarm-chair，onlylastMonday），expectsJohn’shoardedwealthtobefoundhourly！Nay，ereyethehadsuccumbedtothegrislydart，andwhenhisportraitwaspaintedinoilslife-

size，bysubscriptionofthefrequentersoftheWestCountry，tohangoverthecoffee-roomchimney-piece，therewerenotwantingthosewhocontendedthatwhatistermedtheaccessoriesofsuchaportraitoughttobetheBankofEnglandoutofwindow，andastrong-boxonthetable。Andbutforbetter-regulatedmindscontendingforabottleandscrewandtheattitudeofdrawing，——andcarryingtheirpoint，——itwouldhavebeensohandeddowntoposterity。

Iamnowbroughttothetitleofthepresentremarks。Having，I

hopewithoutoffencetoanyquarter，offeredsuchobservationsasI

feltitmydutytooffer，inafreecountrywhichhaseverdominatedtheseas，onthegeneralsubject，Iwillnowproceedtowaitontheparticularquestion。

Atamomentousperiodofmylife，whenIwasoff，sofarasconcernednoticegiven，withaHousethatshallbenameless，——forthequestiononwhichItookmydepartingstandwasafixedchargeforwaiters，andnoHouseascommitsitselftothateminentlyUn-

Englishactofmorethanfoolishnessandbasenessshallbeadvertisedbyme，——Irepeat，atamomentouscrisis，whenIwasoffwithaHousetoomeanformention，andnotyetonwiththattowhichIhaveeversincehadthehonourofbeingattachedinthecapacityofHead，{1}Iwascastingaboutwhattodonext。Thenitwerethatproposalsweremadetomeonbehalfofmypresentestablishment。

Stipulationswerenecessaryonmypart，emendationswerenecessaryonmypart：intheend，ratificationsensuedonbothsides，andI

enteredonanewcareer。

Weareabedbusiness，andacoffee-roombusiness。Wearenotageneraldiningbusiness，nordowewishit。Inconsequence，whendinersdropin，weknowwhattogive’emaswillkeep’emawayanothertime。WeareaPrivateRoomorFamilybusinessalso；butCoffee-roomprincipal。MeandtheDirectoryandtheWritingMaterialsandcetreroccupyaplacetoourselves——aplacefendedofupasteportwoattheendoftheCoffee-room，inwhatIcallthegoodold-fashionedstyle。Thegoodold-fashionedstyleis，thatwhateveryouwant，downtoawafer，youmustbeolelyandsolelydependentontheHeadWaiterfor。Youmustputyourselfanew-bornChildintohishands。ThereisnootherwayinwhichabusinessuntingedwithContinentalVicecanbeconducted。（Itwerebootlesstoadd，thatiflanguagesisrequiredtobejabberedandEnglishisnotgoodenough，bothfamiliesandgentlemenhadbettergosomewhereelse。）

WhenIbegantosettledowninthisright-principledandwell-

conductedHouse，Inoticed，underthebedinNo。24B（whichitisupaangleoffthestaircase，andusuallyputoffuponthelowly-

minded），aheapofthingsinacorner。IaskedourHeadChambermaidinthecourseoftheday，"Whatarethemthingsin24B？"

Towhichsheansweredwithacarelessair，"Somebody’sLuggage。"

Regardingherwithaeyenotfreefromseverity，Isays，"WhoseLuggage？"

Evadingmyeye，shereplied，"Lor！HowshouldIknow！"-

Being，itmayberighttomention，afemaleofsomepertness，thoughacquaintedwithherbusiness。

AHeadWaitermustbeeitherHeadorTail。Hemustbeatoneextremityortheotherofthesocialscale。Hecannotbeatthewaistofit，oranywhereelsebuttheextremities。Itisforhimtodecidewhichoftheextremities。

Ontheeventfuloccasionunderconsideration，IgiveMrs。Pratchettsodistinctlytounderstandmydecision，thatIbrokeherspiritastowardsmyself，thenandthere，andforgood。LetnotinconsistencybesuspectedonaccountofmymentioningMrs。Pratchettas"Mrs。，"

andhavingformerlyremarkedthatawaitressmustnotbemarried。

ReadersarerespectfullyrequestedtonoticethatMrs。Pratchettwasnotawaitress，butachambermaid。NowachambermaidMAYbemarried；ifHead，generallyismarried，——orsaysso。Itcomestothesamethingasexpressingwhatiscustomary。（N。B。Mr。PratchettisinAustralia，andhisaddressthereis"theBush。"）

HavingtookMrs。Pratchettdownasmanypegsaswasessentialtothefuturehappinessofallparties，Irequestedhertoexplainherself。

"Forinstance，"Isays，togiveheralittleencouragement，"whoisSomebody？"

"Igiveyoumysacredhonour，Mr。Christopher，"answersPratchett，"thatIhaven’tthefaintestnotion。"

Butforthemannerinwhichshesettledhercap-strings，Ishouldhavedoubtedthis；butinrespectofpositivenessitwashardlytobediscriminatedfromanaffidavit。

"Thenyouneversawhim？"Ifollowedherupwith。

"Noryet，"saidMrs。Pratchett，shuttinghereyesandmakingasifshehadjusttookapillofunusualcircumference，——whichgavearemarkableforcetoherdenial，——"noryetanyservantinthishouse。

Allhavebeenchanged，Mr。Christopher，withinfiveyear，andSomebodylefthisLuggageherebeforethen。"

InquiryofMissMartinyielded（inthelanguageoftheBardofA。1。）

"confirmationstrong。"Soithadreallyandtrulyhappened。MissMartinistheyoungladyatthebarasmakesoutourbills；andthoughhigherthanIcouldwishconsideringherstation，isperfectlywell-behaved。

FartherinvestigationsledtothedisclosurethattherewasabillagainstthisLuggagetotheamountoftwosixteensix。TheLuggagehadbeenlyingunderthebedsteadof24Boversixyear。Thebedsteadisafour-poster，withadealofoldhangingandvalance，andis，asIoncesaid，probablyconnectedwithmorethan24Bs，——

whichIremembermyhearerswaspleasedtolaughat，atthetime。

Idon’tknowwhy，——whenDOweknowwhy？——butthisLuggagelaidheavyonmymind。IfellawonderingaboutSomebody，andwhathehadgotandbeenupto。Icouldn’tsatisfymythoughtswhyheshouldleavesomuchLuggageagainstsosmallabill。ForIhadtheLuggageoutwithinadayortwoandturneditover，andthefollowingweretheitems：-Ablackportmanteau，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，abrown-paperparcel，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick。Itwasallverydustyandfluey。Ihadourporteruptogetunderthebedandfetchitout；andthoughhehabituallywallowsindust，——swimsinitfrommorningtonight，andwearsaclose-fittingwaistcoatwithblackcalimancosleevesforthepurpose，——itmadehimsneezeagain，andhisthroatwasthathotwithitthatitwasobligedtobecooledwithadrinkofAllsopp’sdraft。

TheLuggagesogotthebetterofme，thatinsteadofhavingitputbackwhenitwaswelldustedandwashedwithawetcloth，——previoustowhichitwassocoveredwithfeathersthatyoumighthavethoughtitwasturningintopoultry，andwouldby-and-bybegintoLay，——I

say，insteadofhavingitputback，Ihaditcarriedintooneofmyplacesdown-stairs。TherefromtimetotimeIstaredatitandstaredatit，tillitseemedtogrowbigandgrowlittle，andcomeforwardatmeandretreatagain，andgothroughallmannerofperformancesresemblingintoxication。Whenthishadlastedweeks，——

Imaysaymonths，andnotbefarout，——IonedaythoughtofaskingMissMartinfortheparticularsoftheTwosixteensixtotal。Shewassoobligingastoextractitfromthebooks，——itdatingbeforehertime，——andherefollowsatruecopy：

Coffee-Room。

1856。No。4。Poundss。d。

Feb。2d，PenandPaper006

PortNegus020

Ditto020

Penandpaper006

Tumblerbroken026

Brandy020

Penandpaper006

Anchovytoast026

Penandpaper006

Bed030

Feb。3d，Penandpaper006

Breakfast026

Broiledham020

Eggs010

Watercresses010

Shrimps010

Penandpaper006

Blotting-paper006

MessengertoPaternosterRowandback016

Again，whenNoAnswer016

Brandy2s。，DevilledPorkchop2s。040

Pensandpaper010

MessengertoAlbemarleStreetandback010

Again（detained），whenNoAnswer016

Salt-cellarbroken036

LargeLiquour-glassOrangeBrandy016

Dinner，Soup，Fish，Joint，andbird076

BottleoldEastIndiaBrown080

Penandpaper006

2166

Mem。：January1st，1857。Hewentoutafterdinner，directingluggagetobereadywhenhecalledforit。Nevercalled。

Sofarfromthrowingalightuponthesubject，thisbillappearedtome，ifImaysoexpressmydoubts，toinvolveitinayetmoreluridhalo。SpeculatingitoverwiththeMistress，sheinformedmethattheluggagehadbeenadvertisedintheMaster’stimeasbeingtobesoldaftersuchandsuchadaytopayexpenses，butnofartherstepshadbeentaken。（Imayhereremark，thattheMistressisawidowinherfourthyear。TheMasterwaspossessedofoneofthoseunfortunateconstitutionsinwhichSpiritsturnstoWater，andrisesintheill-starredVictim。）

Myspeculatingitover，notthenonly，butrepeatedly，sometimeswiththeMistress，sometimeswithone，sometimeswithanother，leduptotheMistress’ssayingtome，——whetheratfirstinjokeorinearnest，orhalfjokeandhalfearnest，itmattersnot：

"Christopher，Iamgoingtomakeyouahandsomeoffer。"

（Ifthisshouldmeethereye，——alovelyblue，——mayshenottakeitillmymentioningthatifIhadbeeneightortenyearyounger，I

wouldhavedoneasmuchbyher！Thatis，Iwouldhavemadeheraoffer。Itisforothersthanmetodenominateitahandsomeone。）

"Christopher，Iamgoingtomakeyouahandsomeoffer。"

"Putanametoit，ma’am。"

"Lookhere，Christopher。RunoverthearticlesofSomebody’sLuggage。You’vegotitallbyheart，Iknow。"

"Ablackportmanteau，ma’am，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，abrown-paperparcel，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick。"

"Alljustastheywereleft。Nothingopened，nothingtamperedwith。"

"Youareright，ma’am。Alllockedbutthebrown-paperparcel，andthatsealed。"

TheMistresswasleaningonMissMartin’sdeskatthebar-window，andshetapstheopenbookthatlaysuponthedesk，——shehasapretty-madehandtobesure，——andbobsherheadoveritandlaughs。

"Come，"saysshe，"Christopher。PaymeSomebody’sbill，andyoushallhaveSomebody’sLuggage。"

Irathertooktotheideafromthefirstmoment；but，"Itmayn’tbeworththemoney，"Iobjected，seemingtoholdback。

"That’saLottery，"saystheMistress，foldingherarmsuponthebook，——itain’therhandsalonethat’sprettymade，theobservationextendsrightupherarms。"Won’tyouventuretwopoundsixteenshillingsandsixpenceintheLottery？Why，there’snoblanks！"

saystheMistress；laughingandbobbingherheadagain，"youMUST

win。Ifyoulose，youmustwin！AllprizesinthisLottery！Drawablank，andremember，Gentlemen-Sportsmen，you’llstillbeentitledtoablackportmanteau，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，asheetofbrownpaper，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick！"

Tomakeshortofit，MissMartincomeroundme，andMrs。Pratchettcomeroundme，andtheMistressshewascompletelyroundmealready，andallthewomeninthehousecomeroundme，andifithadbeenSixteentwoinsteadofTwosixteen，Ishouldhavethoughtmyselfwelloutofit。Forwhatcanyoudowhentheydocomeroundyou？

SoIpaidthemoney——down——andsuchalaughingastherewasamong’em！ButIturnedthetableson’emregularly，whenIsaid：

"Myfamily-nameisBlue-Beard。I’mgoingtoopenSomebody’sLuggageallaloneintheSecretChamber，andnotafemaleeyecatchessightofthecontents！"

WhetherIthoughtpropertohavethefirmnesstokeeptothis，don’tsignify，orwhetheranyfemaleeye，andifany，howmany，wasreallypresentwhentheopeningoftheLuggagecameoff。Somebody’sLuggageisthequestionatpresent：Nobody’seyes，noryetnoses。

WhatIstilllookatmost，inconnectionwiththatLuggage，istheextraordinaryquantityofwriting-paper，andallwrittenon！Andnotourpaperneither，——notthepaperchargedinthebill，forweknowourpaper，——sohemusthavebeenalwaysatit。Andhehadcrumpledupthiswritingofhis，everywhere，ineverypartandparcelofhisluggage。Therewaswritinginhisdressing-case，writinginhisboots，writingamonghisshaving-tackle，writinginhishat-box，writingfoldedawaydownamongtheverywhalebonesofhisumbrella。

Hisclotheswasn’tbad，whattherewasof’em。Hisdressing-casewaspoor，——notaparticleofsilverstopper，——bottleapertureswithnothingin’em，likeemptylittledog-kennels，——andamostsearchingdescriptionoftooth-powderdiffusingitselfaround，asunderadeludedmistakethatallthechinksinthefittingswasdivisionsinteeth。HisclothesIpartedwith，wellenough，toasecond-handdealernotfarfromSt。Clement’sDanes，intheStrand，——himastheofficersintheArmymostlydisposeoftheiruniformsto，whenhardpressedwithdebtsofhonour，ifImayjudgefromtheircoatsandepauletsdiversifyingthewindowwiththeirbackstowardsthepublic。Thesamepartyboughtinonelottheportmanteau，thebag，thedesk，thedressing-case，thehat-box，theumbrella，strap，andwalking-stick。OnmyremarkingthatIshouldhavethoughtthosearticlesnotquiteinhisline，hesaid："Nomoreithaman’thgrandmother，MithterChrithtopher；butifanymanwillbringhithgrandmotherhere，andofferheratafairtriflebelowwhatthe’llfethwithgoodluckwhenthe’ththcouredandturned——I’llbuyher！"

Thesetransactionsbroughtmehome，and，indeed，morethanhome，fortheyleftagoodishprofitontheoriginalinvestment。Andnowthereremainedthewritings；andthewritingsIparticularwishtobringunderthecandidattentionofthereader。

Iwishtodosowithoutpostponement，forthisreason。Thatistosay，namely，viz。i。e。，asfollows，thus：-BeforeIproceedtorecountthementalsufferingsofwhichIbecamethepreyinconsequenceofthewritings，andbeforefollowingupthatharrowingtalewithastatementofthewonderfulandimpressivecatastrophe，asthrillinginitsnatureasunlookedforinanyothercapacity，whichcrownedtheoleandfilledthecupofunexpectednesstooverflowing，thewritingsthemselvesoughttostandforthtoview。

Thereforeitisthattheynowcomenext。Onewordtointroducethem，andIlaydownmypen（Ihope，myunassumingpen）untilItakeituptotracethegloomysequelofamindwithsomethingonit。

Hewasasmearywriter，andwroteadreadfulbadhand。Utterlyregardlessofink，helavisheditoneveryundeservingobject——onhisclothes，hisdesk，hishat，thehandleofhistooth-brush，hisumbrella。Inkwasfoundfreelyonthecoffee-roomcarpetbyNo。4

table，andtwoblotswasonhisrestlesscouch。AreferencetothedocumentIhavegivenentirewillshowthatonthemorningofthethirdofFebruary，eighteenfifty-six，heprocuredhisnolessthanfifthpenandpaper。Towhateverdeplorableactofungovernablecompositionheimmolatedthosematerialsobtainedfromthebar，thereisnodoubtthatthefataldeedwascommittedinbed，andthatitleftitsevidencesbuttooplainly，longafterwards，uponthepillow-case。

HehadputnoHeadingtoanyofhiswritings。Alas！WashelikelytohaveaHeadingwithoutaHead，andwherewasHISHeadwhenhetooksuchthingsintoit？Insomecases，suchashisBoots，hewouldappeartohavehidthewritings；therebyinvolvinghisstyleingreaterobscurity。ButhisBootswasatleastpairs，——andnotwoofhiswritingscanputinanyclaimtobesoregarded。Herefollows（nottogivemorespecimens）whatwasfoundinCHAPTERII——HISBOOTS

"Eh！wellthen，MonsieurMutuel！WhatdoIknow，whatcanIsay？I

assureyouthathecallshimselfMonsieurTheEnglishman。"

"Pardon。ButIthinkitisimpossible，"saidMonsieurMutuel，——aspectacled，snuffy，stoopingoldgentlemanincarpetshoesandaclothcapwithapeakedshade，aloosebluefrock-coatreachingtohisheels，alargelimpwhiteshirt-frill，andcravattocorrespond，——thatistosay，whitewasthenaturalcolourofhislinenonSundays，butittoneddownwiththeweek。

"Itis，"repeatedMonsieurMutuel，hisamiableoldwalnut-shellcountenanceverywalnut-shellyindeedashesmiledandblinkedinthebrightmorningsunlight，——"itis，mycherishedMadameBouclet，I

think，impossible！"

"Hey！"（withalittlevexedcryandagreatmanytossesofherhead。）"ButitisnotimpossiblethatyouareaPig！"retortedMadameBouclet，acompactlittlewomanofthirty-fiveorso。"Seethen，——lookthere，——read！’OnthesecondfloorMonsieurL’Anglais。’

Isitnotso？"

"Itisso，"saidMonsieurMutuel。

"Good。Continueyourmorningwalk。Getout！"MadameBoucletdismissedhimwithalivelysnapofherfingers。

ThemorningwalkofMonsieurMutuelwasinthebrightestpatchthatthesunmadeintheGrandePlaceofadulloldfortifiedFrenchtown。Themannerofhismorningwalkwaswithhishandscrossedbehindhim；anumbrella，infiguretheexpressimageofhimself，alwaysinonehand；asnuffboxintheother。Thus，withtheshufflinggaitoftheElephant（whoreallydoesdealwiththeveryworsttrousers-makeremployedbytheZoologicalworld，andwhoappearedtohaverecommendedhimtoMonsieurMutuel），theoldgentlemansunnedhimselfdailywhensunwastobehad——ofcourse，atthesametimesunningaredribbonathisbutton-hole；forwashenotanancientFrenchman？

Beingtoldbyoneoftheangelicsextocontinuehismorningwalkandgetout，MonsieurMutuellaughedawalnut-shelllaugh，pulledoffhiscapatarm’slengthwiththehandthatcontainedhissnuffbox，keptitoffforaconsiderableperiodafterhehadpartedfromMadameBouclet，andcontinuedhismorningwalkandgotout，likeamanofgallantryashewas。

ThedocumentaryevidencetowhichMadameBouclethadreferredMonsieurMutuelwasthelistofherlodgers，sweetlywrittenforthbyherownNephewandBookkeeper，whoheldthepenofanAngel，andpostedupatthesideofhergateway，fortheinformationofthePolice："Ausecond，M。L’Anglais，Proprietaire。"Onthesecondfloor，Mr。TheEnglishman，manofproperty。Soitstood；nothingcouldbeplainer。

MadameBoucletnowtracedthelinewithherforefinger，asitweretoconfirmandsettleherselfinherpartingsnapatMonsieurMutuel，andsoplacingherrighthandonherhipwithadefiantair，asifnothingshouldevertempthertounsnapthatsnap，strolledoutintothePlacetoglanceupatthewindowsofMr。TheEnglishman。Thatworthyhappeningtobelookingoutofwindowatthemoment，MadameBoucletgavehimagracefulsalutationwithherhead，lookedtotherightandlookedtothelefttoaccounttohimforherbeingthere，consideredforamoment，likeonewhoaccountedtoherselfforsomebodyshehadexpectednotbeingthere，andreenteredherowngateway。MadameBoucletletallherhousegivingonthePlaceinfurnishedflatsorfloors，andliveduptheyardbehindincompanywithMonsieurBoucletherhusband（greatatbilliards），aninheritedbrewingbusiness，severalfowls，twocarts，anephew，alittledoginabigkennel，agrape-vine，acounting-

house，fourhorses，amarriedsister（withashareinthebrewingbusiness），thehusbandandtwochildrenofthemarriedsister，aparrot，adrum（performedonbythelittleboyofthemarriedsister），twobilletedsoldiers，aquantityofpigeons，afife（playedbythenephewinaravishingmanner），severaldomesticsandsupernumeraries，aperpetualflavourofcoffeeandsoup，aterrificrangeofartificialrocksandwoodenprecipicesatleastfourfeethigh，asmallfountain，andhalf-a-dozenlargesunflowers。

NowtheEnglishman，intakinghisAppartement，——or，asonemightsayonoursideoftheChannel，hissetofchambers，——hadgivenhisname，correcttotheletter，LANGLEY。ButashehadaBritishwayofnotopeninghismouthverywideonforeignsoil，exceptatmeals，theBreweryhadbeenabletomakenothingofitbutL’Anglais。SoMr。TheEnglishmanhehadbecomeandheremained。

"Neversawsuchapeople！"mutteredMr。TheEnglishman，ashenowlookedoutofwindow。"Neverdid，inmylife！"

Thiswastrueenough，forhehadneverbeforebeenoutofhisowncountry，——arightlittleisland，atightlittleisland，abrightlittleisland，ashow-fightlittleisland，andfullofmeritofallsorts；butnotthewholeroundworld。

"Thesechaps，"saidMr。TheEnglishmantohimself，ashiseyerolledoverthePlace，sprinkledwithmilitaryhereandthere，"arenomorelikesoldiers——"Nothingbeingsufficientlystrongfortheendofhissentence，heleftitunended。

Thisagain（fromthepointofviewofhisexperience）wasstrictlycorrect；forthoughtherewasagreatagglomerationofsoldiersinthetownandneighbouringcountry，youmighthaveheldagrandReviewandField-dayofthemeveryone，andlookedinvainamongthemallforasoldierchokingbehindhisfoolishstock，orasoldierlamedbyhisill-fittingshoes，orasoldierdeprivedoftheuseofhislimbsbystrapsandbuttons，orasoldierelaboratelyforcedtobeself-helplessinallthesmallaffairsoflife。A

swarmofbrisk，bright，active，bustling，handy，odd，skirmishingfellows，abletoturncleverlyatanything，fromasiegetosoup，fromgreatgunstoneedlesandthread，fromthebroadswordexercisetoslicinganonion，frommakingwartomakingomelets，wasallyouwouldhavefound。

Whataswarm！FromtheGreatPlaceundertheeyeofMr。TheEnglishman，whereafewawkwardsquadsfromthelastconscriptionweredoingthegoose-step——somemembersofthosesquadsstillastotheirbodies，inthechrysalispeasant-stateofBlouse，andonlymilitarybutterfliesastotheirregimentally-clothedlegs——fromtheGreatPlace，awayoutsidethefortifications，andawayformilesalongthedustyroads，soldiersswarmed。Alldaylong，uponthegrass-grownrampartsofthetown，practisingsoldierstrumpetedandbugled；alldaylong，downinanglesofdrytrenches，practisingsoldiersdrummedanddrummed。Everyforenoon，soldiersburstoutofthegreatbarracksintothesandygymnasium-groundhardby，andflewoverthewoodenhorse，andhungontoflyingropes，anddangledupside-downbetweenparallelbars，andshotthemselvesoffwoodenplatforms，——splashes，sparks，coruscations，showersofsoldiers。Ateverycornerofthetown-wall，everyguard-house，everygateway，everysentry-box，everydrawbridge，everyreedyditch，andrushydike，soldiers，soldiers，soldiers。Andthetownbeingprettywellallwall，guard-house，gateway，sentry-box，drawbridge，reedyditch，andrushydike，thetownwasprettywellallsoldiers。

Whatwouldthesleepyoldtownhavebeenwithoutthesoldiers，seeingthatevenwiththemithadsooversleptitselfastohavesleptitsechoeshoarse，itsdefensivebarsandlocksandboltsandchainsallrusty，anditsditchesstagnant！FromthedayswhenVAUBANengineeredittothatperplexingextentthattolookatitwaslikebeingknockedontheheadwithit，thestrangerbecomingstunnedandstertorousundertheshockofitsincomprehensibility，——

fromthedayswhenVAUBANmadeittheexpressincorporationofeverysubstantiveandadjectiveintheartofmilitaryengineering，andnotonlytwistedyouintoitandtwistedyououtofit，totheright，totheleft，opposite，underhere，overthere，inthedark，inthedirt，bythegateway，archway，coveredway，dryway，wetway，fosse，portcullis，drawbridge，sluice，squattower，piercedwall，andheavybattery，butlikewisetookafortifyingdiveundertheneighbouringcountry，andcametothesurfacethreeorfourmilesoff，blowingoutincomprehensiblemoundsandbatteriesamongthequietcropsofchicoryandbeet-root，——fromthosedaystothesethetownhadbeenasleep，anddustandrustandmusthadsettledonitsdrowsyArsenalsandMagazines，andgrasshadgrownupinitssilentstreets。

Onmarket-daysalone，itsGreatPlacesuddenlyleapedoutofbed。

Onmarket-days，somefriendlyenchanterstruckhisstaffuponthestonesoftheGreatPlace，andinstantlyarosetheliveliestboothsandstalls，andsittingsandstandings，andapleasanthumofchafferingandhucksteringfrommanyhundredsoftongues，andapleasant，thoughpeculiar，blendingofcolours，——whitecaps，blueblouses，andgreenvegetables，——andatlasttheKnightdestinedfortheadventureseemedtohavecomeinearnest，andalltheVaubanoissprangupawake。Andnow，bylong，low-lyingavenuesoftrees，joltinginwhite-hoodeddonkey-cart，andondonkey-back，andintumbrilandwagon，andcartandcabriolet，andafootwithbarrowandburden，——andalongthedikesandditchesandcanals，inlittlepeak-

prowedcountryboats，——camepeasant-menandwomeninflocksandcrowds，bringingarticlesforsale。Andhereyouhadbootsandshoes，andsweetmeatsandstuffstowear，andhere（inthecoolshadeoftheTown-hall）youhadmilkandcreamandbutterandcheese，andhereyouhadfruitsandonionsandcarrots，andallthingsneedfulforyoursoup，andhereyouhadpoultryandflowersandprotestingpigs，andherenewshovels，axes，spades，andbill-

hooksforyourfarmingwork，andherehugemoundsofbread，andhereyourungroundgraininsacks，andhereyourchildren’sdolls，andherethecake-seller，announcinghiswaresbybeatandrollofdrum。

Andhark！fanfaronadeoftrumpets，andhereintotheGreatPlace，resplendentinanopencarriage，withfourgorgeously-attiredservitorsupbehind，playinghorns，drums，andcymbals，rolled"theDaughterofaPhysician"inmassivegoldenchainsandear-rings，andblue-featheredhat，shadedfromtheadmiringsunbytwoimmenseumbrellasofartificialroses，todispense（frommotivesofphilanthropy）thatsmallandpleasantdosewhichhadcuredsomanythousands！Toothache，earache，headache，heartache，stomach-ache，debility，nervousness，fits，fainting，fever，ague，allequallycuredbythesmallandpleasantdoseofthegreatPhysician’sgreatdaughter！Theprocesswasthis，——she，theDaughterofaPhysician，proprietressofthesuperbequipageyounowadmiredwithitsconfirmatoryblastsoftrumpet，drum，andcymbal，toldyouso：Onthefirstdayaftertakingthesmallandpleasantdose，youwouldfeelnoparticularinfluencebeyondamostharmonioussensationofindescribableandirresistiblejoy；ontheseconddayyouwouldbesoastonishinglybetterthatyouwouldthinkyourselfchangedintosomebodyelse；onthethirddayyouwouldbeentirelyfreefromdisorder，whateveritsnatureandhoweverlongyouhadhadit，andwouldseekoutthePhysician’sDaughtertothrowyourselfatherfeet，kissthehemofhergarment，andbuyasmanymoreofthesmallandpleasantdosesasbythesaleofallyourfeweffectsyoucouldobtain；butshewouldbeinaccessible，——goneforherbstothePyramidsofEgypt，——andyouwouldbe（thoughcured）reducedtodespair！ThuswouldthePhysician’sDaughterdrivehertrade（andbrisklytoo），andthuswouldthebuyingandsellingandminglingoftonguesandcolourscontinue，untilthechangingsunlight，leavingthePhysician’sDaughterintheshadowofhighroofs，admonishedhertojoltoutwestward，withadepartingeffectofgleamandglitteronthesplendidequipageandbrazenblast。AndnowtheenchanterstruckhisstaffuponthestonesoftheGreatPlaceoncemore，anddownwentthebooths，thesittingsandstandings，andvanishedthemerchandise，andwithitthebarrows，donkeys，donkey-carts，andtumbrils，andallotherthingsonwheelsandfeet，excepttheslowscavengerswithunwieldycartsandmeagrehorsesclearinguptherubbish，assistedbythesleektownpigeons，betterplumpedoutthanonnon-marketdays。Whiletherewasyetanhourortwotowanebeforetheautumnsunset，theloitereroutsidetown-gateanddrawbridge，andposternanddouble-ditch，wouldseethelastwhite-

hoodedcartlesseningintheavenueoflengtheningshadowsoftrees，orthelastcountryboat，paddledbythelastmarket-womanonherwayhome，showingblackuponthereddening，long，low，narrowdikebetweenhimandthemill；andasthepaddle-partedscumandweedclosedovertheboat’strack，hemightbecomfortablysurethatitssluggishrestwouldbetroublednomoreuntilnextmarket-day。

AsitwasnotoneoftheGreatPlace’sdaysforgettingoutofbed，whenMr。TheEnglishmanlookeddownattheyoungsoldierspractisingthegoose-stepthere，hismindwasleftatlibertytotakeamilitaryturn。

"Thesefellowsarebilletedeverywhereabout，"saidhe；"andtoseethemlightingthepeople’sfires，boilingthepeople’spots，mindingthepeople’sbabies，rockingthepeople’scradles，washingthepeople’sgreens，andmakingthemselvesgenerallyuseful，ineverysortofunmilitaryway，ismostridiculous！Neversawsuchasetoffellows，——neverdidinmylife！"

Allperfectlytrueagain。WastherenotPrivateValentineinthatveryhouse，actingassolehousemaid，valet，cook，steward，andnurse，inthefamilyofhiscaptain，MonsieurleCapitainedelaCour，——cleaningthefloors，makingthebeds，doingthemarketing，dressingthecaptain，dressingthedinners，dressingthesalads，anddressingthebaby，allwithequalreadiness？Or，toputhimaside，hebeinginloyalattendanceonhisChief，wastherenotPrivateHyppolite，billetedatthePerfumer’stwohundredyardsoff，who，whennotonduty，volunteeredtokeepshopwhilethefairPerfumeresssteppedouttospeaktoaneighbourorso，andlaughinglysoldsoapwithhiswar-swordgirdedonhim？WastherenotEmile，billetedattheClock-maker’s，perpetuallyturningtoofanevening，withhiscoatoff，windingupthestock？WastherenotEugene，billetedattheTinman’s，cultivating，pipeinmouth，agardenfourfeetsquare，fortheTinman，inthelittlecourt，behindtheshop，andextortingthefruitsoftheearthfromthesame，onhisknees，withthesweatofhisbrow？Nottomultiplyexamples，wastherenotBaptiste，billetedonthepoorWater-carrier，atthatveryinstantsittingonthepavementinthesunlight，withhismartiallegsasunder，andoneoftheWater-carrier’ssparepailsbetweenthem，which（tothedelightandgloryoftheheartoftheWater-carriercomingacrossthePlacefromthefountain，yokedandburdened）hewaspaintingbright-greenoutsideandbright-redwithin？Or，togonofartherthantheBarber’sattheverynextdoor，wastherenotCorporalTheophile-

"No，"saidMr。TheEnglishman，glancingdownattheBarber’s，"heisnotthereatpresent。There’sthechild，though。"

AmeremiteofagirlstoodonthestepsoftheBarber’sshop，lookingacrossthePlace。Amerebaby，onemightcallher，dressedintheclosewhitelinencapwhichsmallFrenchcountrychildrenwear（likethechildreninDutchpictures），andinafrockofhomespunblue，thathadnoshapeexceptwhereitwastiedroundherlittlefatthroat。Sothat，beingnaturallyshortandroundallover，shelooked，behind，asifshehadbeencutoffathernaturalwaist，andhadhadherheadneatlyfittedonit。

"There’sthechild，though。"

Tojudgefromthewayinwhichthedimpledhandwasrubbingtheeyes，theeyeshadbeenclosedinanap，andwerenewlyopened。ButtheyseemedtobelookingsointentlyacrossthePlace，thattheEnglishmanlookedinthesamedirection。

"O！"saidhepresently。"Ithoughtasmuch。TheCorporal’sthere。"

TheCorporal，asmartfigureofamanofthirty，perhapsathoughtunderthemiddlesize，butveryneatlymade，——asunburntCorporalwithabrownpeakedbeard，——facedaboutatthemoment，addressingvolublewordsofinstructiontothesquadinhand。NothingwasamissorawryabouttheCorporal。AlitheandnimbleCorporal，quitecomplete，fromthesparklingdarkeyesunderhisknowinguniformcaptohissparklingwhitegaiters。TheveryimageandpresentmentofaCorporalofhiscountry’sarmy，inthelineofhisshoulders，thelineofhiswaist，thebroadestlineofhisBloomertrousers，andtheirnarrowestlineatthecalfofhisleg。

Mr。TheEnglishmanlookedon，andthechildlookedon，andtheCorporallookedon（butthelast-namedathismen），untilthedrillendedafewminutesafterwards，andthemilitarysprinklingdriedupdirectly，andwasgone。ThensaidMr。TheEnglishmantohimself，"Lookhere！ByGeorge！"AndtheCorporal，dancingtowardstheBarber’swithhisarmswideopen，caughtupthechild，heldheroverhisheadinaflyingattitude，caughtherdownagain，kissedher，andmadeoffwithherintotheBarber’shouse。

NowMr。TheEnglishmanhadhadaquarrelwithhiserringanddisobedientanddisowneddaughter，andtherewasachildinthatcasetoo。Hadnothisdaughterbeenachild，andhadshenottakenangel-flightsabovehisheadasthischildhadflownabovetheCorporal’s？

"He’sa"——NationalParticipled——"fool！"saidtheEnglishman，andshuthiswindow。

ButthewindowsofthehouseofMemory，andthewindowsofthehouseofMercy，arenotsoeasilyclosedaswindowsofglassandwood。

Theyflyopenunexpectedly；theyrattleinthenight；theymustbenailedup。Mr。TheEnglishmanhadtriednailingthem，buthadnotdriventhenailsquitehome。Sohepassedbutadisturbedeveningandaworsenight。

Bynatureagood-temperedman？No；verylittlegentleness，confoundingthequalitywithweakness。Fierceandwrathfulwhencrossed？Very，andstupendouslyunreasonable。Moody？Exceedinglyso。Vindictive？Well；hehadhadscowlingthoughtsthathewouldformallycursehisdaughter，ashehadseenitdoneonthestage。

ButrememberingthattherealHeavenissomepacesremovedfromthemockoneinthegreatchandelieroftheTheatre，hehadgiventhatup。

Andhehadcomeabroadtoberidofhisrepudiateddaughterfortherestofhislife。Andherehewas。

Atbottom，itwasforthisreason，morethanforanyother，thatMr。

TheEnglishmantookitextremelyillthatCorporalTheophileshouldbesodevotedtolittleBebelle，thechildattheBarber’sshop。Inanunluckymomenthehadchancedtosaytohimself，"Why，confoundthefellow，heisnotherfather！"Therewasasharpstinginthespeechwhichranintohimsuddenly，andputhiminaworsemood。SohehadNationalParticipledtheunconsciousCorporalwithmostheartyemphasis，andhadmadeuphismindtothinknomoreaboutsuchamountebank。

ButitcametopassthattheCorporalwasnottobedismissed。IfhehadknownthemostdelicatefibresoftheEnglishman’smind，insteadofknowingnothingonearthabouthim，andifhehadbeenthemostobstinateCorporalintheGrandArmyofFrance，insteadofbeingthemostobliging，hecouldnothaveplantedhimselfwithmoredeterminedimmovabilityplumpinthemidstofalltheEnglishman’sthoughts。Notonlyso，butheseemedtobealwaysinhisview。Mr。

TheEnglishmanhadbuttolookoutofwindow，tolookupontheCorporalwithlittleBebelle。Hehadbuttogoforawalk，andtherewastheCorporalwalkingwithBebelle。Hehadbuttocomehomeagain，disgusted，andtheCorporalandBebellewereathomebeforehim。Ifhelookedoutathisbackwindowsearlyinthemorning，theCorporalwasintheBarber’sbackyard，washinganddressingandbrushingBebelle。Ifhetookrefugeathisfrontwindows，theCorporalbroughthisbreakfastoutintothePlace，andsharedittherewithBebelle。AlwaysCorporalandalwaysBebelle。

NeverCorporalwithoutBebelle。NeverBebellewithoutCorporal。

Mr。TheEnglishmanwasnotparticularlystrongintheFrenchlanguageasameansoforalcommunication，thoughhereaditverywell。Itiswithlanguagesaswithpeople，——whenyouonlyknowthembysight，youareapttomistakethem；youmustbeonspeakingtermsbeforeyoucanbesaidtohaveestablishedanacquaintance。

Forthisreason，Mr。TheEnglishmanhadtogirduphisloinsconsiderablybeforehecouldbringhimselftothepointofexchangingideaswithMadameBoucletonthesubjectofthisCorporalandthisBebelle。ButMadameBoucletlookinginapologeticallyonemorningtoremark，that，OHeaven！shewasinastateofdesolationbecausethelamp-makerhadnotsenthomethatlampconfidedtohimtorepair，butthattrulyhewasalamp-makeragainstwhomthewholeworldshriekedout，Mr。TheEnglishmanseizedtheoccasion。

"Madame，thatbaby——"

"Pardon，monsieur。Thatlamp。"

"No，no，thatlittlegirl。"

"But，pardon！"saidMadameBonclet，anglingforaclew，"onecannotlightalittlegirl，orsendhertoberepaired？"

"Thelittlegirl——atthehouseofthebarber。"

"Ah-h-h！"criedMadameBouclet，suddenlycatchingtheideawithherdelicatelittlelineandrod。"LittleBebelle？Yes，yes，yes！AndherfriendtheCorporal？Yes，yes，yes，yes！Sogenteelofhim，——

isitnot？"

"Heisnot-？"

"Notatall；notatall！Heisnotoneofherrelations。Notatall！"

"Why，then，he——"

"Perfectly！"criedMadameBouclet，"youareright，monsieur。Itissogenteelofhim。Thelessrelation，themoregenteel。Asyousay。"

"Isshe-？"

"Thechildofthebarber？"MadameBoucletwhiskedupherskilfullittlelineandrodagain。"Notatall，notatall！Sheisthechildof——inaword，ofnoone。"

"Thewifeofthebarber，then-？"

"Indubitably。Asyousay。Thewifeofthebarberreceivesasmallstipendtotakecareofher。Somuchbythemonth。Eh，then！Itiswithoutdoubtverylittle，forweareallpoorhere。"

"Youarenotpoor，madame。"

"Astomylodgers，"repliedMadameBouclet，withasmilingandagraciousbendofherhead，"no。Astoallthingselse，so-so。"

"Youflatterme，madame。"

"Monsieur，itisyouwhoflattermeinlivinghere。"

CertainfishygaspsonMr。TheEnglishman’spart，denotingthathewasabouttoresumehissubjectunderdifficulties，MadameBoucletobservedhimclosely，andwhiskedupherdelicatelineandrodagainwithtriumphantsuccess。

"Ono，monsieur，certainlynot。Thewifeofthebarberisnotcrueltothepoorchild，butsheiscareless。Herhealthisdelicate，andshesitsallday，lookingoutatwindow。Consequently，whentheCorporalfirstcame，thepoorlittleBebellewasmuchneglected。"

"Itisacurious——"beganMr。TheEnglishman。

"Name？ThatBebelle？Againyouareright，monsieur。ButitisaplayfulnameforGabrielle。"

"AndsothechildisamerefancyoftheCorporal’s？"saidMr。TheEnglishman，inagrufflydisparagingtoneofvoice。

"Eh，well！"returnedMadameBouclet，withapleadingshrug："onemustlovesomething。Humannatureisweak。"

（"Devilishweak，"mutteredtheEnglishman，inhisownlanguage。）

"AndtheCorporal，"pursuedMadameBouclet，"beingbilletedatthebarber’s，——wherehewillprobablyremainalongtime，forheisattachedtotheGeneral，——andfindingthepoorunownedchildinneedofbeingloved，andfindinghimselfinneedofloving，——why，thereyouhaveitall，yousee！"

Mr。TheEnglishmanacceptedthisinterpretationofthematterwithanindifferentgrace，andobservedtohimself，inaninjuredmanner，whenhewasagainalone："Ishouldn’tminditsomuch，ifthesepeoplewerenotsucha"——NationalParticipled——"sentimentalpeople！"

TherewasaCemeteryoutsidethetown，andithappenedillforthereputationoftheVaubanois，inthissentimentalconnection，thathetookawalktherethatsameafternoon。Tobesurethereweresomewonderfulthingsinit（fromtheEnglishman’spointofview），andofacertaintyinallBritainyouwouldhavefoundnothinglikeit。

Nottomentionthefancifulflourishesofheartsandcrossesinwoodandiron，thatwereplantedallovertheplace，makingitlookverylikeaFirework-ground，whereamostsplendidpyrotechnicdisplaymightbeexpectedafterdark，thereweresomanywreathsuponthegraves，embroidered，asitmightbe，"Tomymother，""Tomydaughter，""Tomyfather，""Tomybrother，""Tomysister，""Tomyfriend，"andthosemanywreathswereinsomanystagesofelaborationanddecay，fromthewreathofyesterday，allfreshcolourandbrightbeads，tothewreathoflastyear，apoormoulderingwispofstraw！Thereweresomanylittlegardensandgrottosmadeupongraves，insomanytastes，withplantsandshellsandplasterfiguresandporcelainpitchers，andsomanyoddsandends！Thereweresomanytributesofremembrancehangingup，nottobediscriminatedbytheclosestinspectionfromlittleroundwaiters，whereonweredepictedinglowinglineseitheraladyoragentlemanwithawhitepocket-handkerchiefoutofallproportion，leaning，inastateofthemostfaultlessmourningandmostprofoundaffliction，onthemostarchitecturalandgorgeousurn！Thereweresomanysurvivingwiveswhohadputtheirnamesonthetombsoftheirdeceasedhusbands，withablankforthedateoftheirowndeparturefromthiswearyworld；andthereweresomanysurvivinghusbandswhohadrenderedthesamehomagetotheirdeceasedwives；

andoutofthenumbertheremusthavebeensomanywhohadlongagomarriedagain！Infine，therewassomuchintheplacethatwouldhaveseemedmorefripperytoastranger，savefortheconsiderationthatthelightestpaperflowerthatlayuponthepoorestheapofearthwasnevertouchedbyarudehand，butperishedthere，asacredthing！

"NothingofthesolemnityofDeathhere，"Mr。TheEnglishmanhadbeengoingtosay，whenthislastconsiderationtouchedhimwithamildappeal，andonthewholehewalkedoutwithoutsayingit。"Butthesepeopleare，"heinsisted，bywayofcompensation，whenhewaswelloutsidethegate，"theyareso"——Participled——"sentimental！"

Hiswaybacklaybythemilitarygymnasium-ground。AndtherehepassedtheCorporalgliblyinstructingyoungsoldiershowtoswingthemselvesoverrapidanddeepwatercoursesontheirwaytoGlory，bymeansofarope，andhimselfdeftlyplungingoffaplatform，andflyingahundredfeetortwo，asanencouragementtothemtobegin。

Andtherehealsopassed，perchedonacrowningeminence（probablytheCorporal’scarefulhands），thesmallBebelle，withherroundeyeswideopen，surveyingtheproceedinglikeawonderingsortofblueandwhitebird。

"Ifthatchildwastodie，"thiswashisreflectionasheturnedhisbackandwenthisway，——"anditwouldalmostservethefellowrightformakingsuchafoolofhimself，——Isupposeweshouldhavehimstickingupawreathandawaiterinthatfantasticburying-ground。"

Nevertheless，afteranotherearlymorningortwooflookingoutofwindow，hestrolleddownintothePlace，whentheCorporalandBebellewerewalkingthere，andtouchinghishattotheCorporal（animmenseachievement），wishedhimGood-day。

"Good-day，monsieur。"

"Thisisaratherprettychildyouhavehere，"saidMr。TheEnglishman，takingherchininhishand，andlookingdownintoherastonishedblueeyes。

"Monsieur，sheisaveryprettychild，"returnedtheCorporal，withastressonhispolitecorrectionofthephrase。

"Andgood？"saidtheEnglishman。

"Andverygood。Poorlittlething！"

"Hah！"TheEnglishmanstoopeddownandpattedhercheek，notwithoutawkwardness，asifheweregoingtoofarinhisconciliation。"Andwhatisthismedalroundyourneck，mylittleone？"

Bebellehavingnootherreplyonherlipsthanherchubbyrightfist，theCorporalofferedhisservicesasinterpreter。

"Monsieurdemands，whatisthis，Bebelle？"

"ItistheHolyVirgin，"saidBebelle。

"Andwhogaveityou？"askedtheEnglishman。

"Theophile。"

"AndwhoisTheophile？"

Bebellebrokeintoalaugh，laughedmerrilyandheartily，clappedherchubbyhands，andbeatherlittlefeetonthestonepavementofthePlace。

"Hedoesn’tknowTheophile！Why，hedoesn’tknowanyone！Hedoesn’tknowanything！"Then，sensibleofasmallsolecisminhermanners，BebelletwistedherrighthandinalegoftheCorporal’sBloomertrousers，and，layinghercheekagainsttheplace，kissedit。

"MonsieurTheophile，Ibelieve？"saidtheEnglishmantotheCorporal。

"ItisI，monsieur。"

"Permitme。"Mr。TheEnglishmanshookhimheartilybythehandandturnedaway。ButhetookitmightyillthatoldMonsieurMutuelinhispatchofsunlight，uponwhomhecameasheturned，shouldpulloffhiscaptohimwithalookofpleasedapproval。Andhemuttered，inhisowntongue，ashereturnedthesalutation，"Well，walnut-shell！AndwhatbusinessisitofYOURS？"

Mr。TheEnglishmanwentonformanyweekspassingbutdisturbedeveningsandworsenights，andconstantlyexperiencingthatthoseaforesaidwindowsinthehousesofMemoryandMercyrattledafterdark，andthathehadveryimperfectlynailedthemup。Likewise，hewentonformanyweeksdailyimprovingtheacquaintanceoftheCorporalandBebelle。Thatistosay，hetookBebellebythechin，andtheCorporalbythehand，andofferedBebellesousandtheCorporalcigars，andevengotthelengthofchangingpipeswiththeCorporalandkissingBebelle。Buthediditallinashamefacedway，andalwaystookitextremelyillthatMonsieurMutuelinhispatchofsunlightshouldnotewhathedid。Wheneverthatseemedtobethecase，healwaysgrowledinhisowntongue，"Thereyouareagain，walnut-shell！Whatbusinessisitofyours？"

Inaword，ithadbecometheoccupationofMr。TheEnglishman’slifetolookaftertheCorporalandlittleBebelle，andtoresentoldMonsieurMutuel’slookingafterHIM。Anoccupationonlyvariedbyafireinthetownonewindynight，andmuchpassingofwater-bucketsfromhandtohand（inwhichtheEnglishmanrenderedgoodservice），andmuchbeatingofdrums，——whenallofasuddentheCorporaldisappeared。

Next，allofasudden，Bebelledisappeared。

ShehadbeenvisibleafewdayslaterthantheCorporal，——sadlydeterioratedastowashingandbrushing，——butshehadnotspokenwhenaddressedbyMr。TheEnglishman，andhadlookedscaredandhadrunaway。Andnowitwouldseemthatshehadrunawayforgood。

AndtherelaytheGreatPlaceunderthewindows，bareandbarren。

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