Buttherewerethousandsofsuchgreatpointstoconsider，andtheyallagitatedandoverwhelmedme。Ipolishedmybootsasecondtimewithmyownhands;nothingintheworldwouldhaveinducedApollontocleanthemtwiceaday，asheconsideredthatitwasmorethanhisdutiesrequiredofhim。Istolethebrushestocleanthemfromthepassage，beingcarefulheshouldnotdetectit，forfearofhiscontempt。ThenIminutelyexaminedmyclothesandthoughtthateverythinglookedold，wornandthreadbare。Ihadletmyselfgettooslovenly。Myuniform，perhaps，wastidy，butIcouldnotgoouttodinnerinmyuniform。Theworstofitwasthatonthekneeofmytrouserswasabigyellowstain。Ihadaforebodingthatthatstainwoulddeprivemeofnine-tenthsofmypersonaldignity。Iknew，too，thatitwasverypoortothinkso。"Butthisisnotimeforthinking：nowIaminfortherealthing，"Ithought，andmyheartsank。Iknew，too，perfectlywelleventhen，thatIwasmonstrouslyexaggeratingthefacts。ButhowcouldIhelpit？I
couldnotcontrolmyselfandwasalreadyshakingwithfever。
WithdespairIpicturedtomyselfhowcoldlyanddisdainfullythat"scoundrel"Zverkovwouldmeetme;withwhatdull-witted，invinciblecontempttheblockheadTrudolyubovwouldlookatme;
withwhatimpudentrudenesstheinsectFerfitchkinwouldsniggeratmeinordertocurryfavourwithZverkov;howcompletelySimonovwouldtakeitallin，andhowhewoulddespisemefortheabjectnessofmyvanityandlackofspirit——and，worstofall，howpaltry，_unliterary_，commonplaceitwouldallbe。Ofcourse，thebestthingwouldbenottogoatall。Butthatwasmostimpossibleofall：ifIfeelimpelledtodoanything，Iseemtobepitchforkedintoit。Ishouldhavejeeredatmyselfeverafterwards："Soyoufunkedit，youfunkedit，youfunkedthe_realthing_！"Onthecontrary，Ipassionatelylongedtoshowallthat"rabble"thatIwasbynomeanssuchaspiritlesscreatureasIseemedtomyself。Whatismore，evenintheacutestparoxysmofthiscowardlyfever，Idreamedofgettingtheupperhand，ofdominatingthem，carryingthemaway，makingthemlikeme——ifonlyformy"elevationofthoughtandunmistakablewit。"TheywouldabandonZverkov，hewouldsitononeside，silentandashamed，whileIshouldcrushhim。Then，perhaps，wewouldbereconciledanddrinktooureverlastingfriendship;butwhatwasmostbitterandhumiliatingformewasthatIkneweventhen，knewfullyandforcertain，thatIneedednothingofallthisreally，thatIdidnotreallywanttocrush，tosubdue，toattractthem，andthatIdidnotcareastrawreallyfortheresult，evenifIdidachieveit。Oh，howIprayedforthedaytopassquickly！InunutterableanguishIwenttothewindow，openedthemovablepaneandlookedoutintothetroubleddarknessofthethicklyfallingwetsnow。Atlastmywretchedlittleclockhissedoutfive。Iseizedmyhatand，tryingnottolookatApollon，whohadbeenalldayexpectinghismonth’swages，butinhisfoolishnesswasunwillingtobethefirsttospeakaboutit，Islippedbetweenhimandthedoorand，lumpingintoahigh-classsledge，onwhichIspentmylasthalfrouble，IdroveupingrandstyletotheHoteldeParis。
IV
IhadbeencertainthedaybeforethatIshouldbethefirsttoarrive。Butitwasnotaquestionofbeingthefirsttoarrive。
Notonlyweretheynotthere，butIhaddifficultyinfindingourroom。Thetablewasnotlaideven。Whatdiditmean？AfteragoodmanyquestionsIelicitedfromthewaitersthatthedinnerhadbeenorderednotforfive，butforsixo’clock。Thiswasconfirmedatthebuffettoo。Ifeltreallyashamedtogoonquestioningthem。Itwasonlytwenty-fiveminutespastfive。Iftheychangedthedinnerhourtheyoughtatleasttohaveletmeknow——thatiswhatthepostisfor，andnottohaveputmeinanabsurdpositioninmyowneyesand……andevenbeforethewaiters。
Isatdown;theservantbeganlayingthetable;Ifeltevenmorehumiliatedwhenhewaspresent。Towardssixo’clocktheybroughtincandles，thoughtherewerelampsburningintheroom。Ithadnotoccurredtothewaiter，however，tobringtheminatoncewhenIarrived。Inthenextroomtwogloomy，angry-lookingpersonswereeatingtheirdinnersinsilenceattwodifferenttables。Therewasagreatdealofnoise，evenshouting，inaroomfurtheraway;onecouldhearthelaughterofacrowdofpeople，andnastylittleshrieksinFrench：therewereladiesatthedinner。Itwassickening，infact。Irarelypassedmoreunpleasantmoments，somuchsothatwhentheydidarrivealltogetherpunctuallyatsixIwasoverjoyedtoseethem，asthoughtheyweremydeliverers，andevenforgotthatitwasincumbentuponmetoshowresentment。
Zverkovwalkedinattheheadofthem;evidentlyhewastheleadingspirit。Heandallofthemwerelaughing;but，seeingme，Zverkovdrewhimselfupalittle，walkeduptomedeliberatelywithaslight，ratherjauntybendfromthewaist。
Heshookhandswithmeinafriendly，butnotover-friendly，fashion，withasortofcircumspectcourtesylikethatofaGeneral，asthoughingivingmehishandhewerewardingoffsomething。Ihadimagined，onthecontrary，thatoncominginhewouldatoncebreakintohishabitualthin，shrilllaughandfalltomakinghisinsipidjokesandwitticisms。Ihadbeenpreparingforthemeversincethepreviousday，butIhadnotexpectedsuchcondescension，suchhigh-officialcourtesy。So，then，hefelthimselfineffablysuperiortomeineveryrespect！Ifheonlymeanttoinsultmebythathigh-officialtone，itwouldnotmatter，Ithought——Icouldpayhimbackforitonewayoranother。Butwhatif，inreality，withouttheleastdesiretobeoffensive，thatsheepsheadhadanotioninearnestthathewassuperiortomeandcouldonlylookatmeinapatronisingway？
Theverysuppositionmademegasp。
"Iwassurprisedtohearofyourdesiretojoinus，"hebegan，lispinganddrawling，whichwassomethingnew。"YouandIseemtohaveseennothingofoneanother。Youshyawayfromus。Youshouldn’t。Wearenotsuchterriblepeopleasyouthink。Well，anyway，Iamgladtorenewouracquaintance。"
Andheturnedcarelesslytoputdownhishatonthewindow。
"Haveyoubeenwaitinglong？"Trudolyubovinquired。
"Iarrivedatfiveo’clockasyoutoldmeyesterday，"Iansweredaloud，withanirritabilitythatthreatenedanexplosion。
"Didn’tyoulethimknowthatwehadchangedthehour？"saidTrudolyubovtoSimonov。
"No，Ididn’t。Iforgot，"thelatterreplied，withnosignofregret，andwithoutevenapologisingtomehewentofftoorderthehorsd’oeuvre。
"Soyou’vebeenhereawholehour？Oh，poorfellow！"Zverkovcriedironically，fortohisnotionsthiswasboundtobeextremelyfunny。ThatrascalFerfitchkinfollowedwithhisnastylittlesniggerlikeapuppyyapping。Mypositionstruckhim，too，asexquisitelyludicrousandembarrassing。
"Itisn’tfunnyatall！"IcriedtoFerfitchkin，moreandmoreirritated。"Itwasn’tmyfault，butotherpeople’s。Theyneglectedtoletmeknow。Itwas……itwas……itwassimplyabsurd。"
"It’snotonlyabsurd，butsomethingelseaswell，"mutteredTrudolyubov，naivelytakingmypart。"Youarenothardenoughuponit。Itwassimplyrudeness——unintentional，ofcourse。AndhowcouldSimonov……h’m！"
"Ifatricklikethathadbeenplayedonme，"observedFerfitchkin，"Ishould……"
"Butyoushouldhaveorderedsomethingforyourself，"Zverkovinterrupted，"orsimplyaskedfordinnerwithoutwaitingforus。"
"YouwillallowthatImighthavedonethatwithoutyourpermission，"Irappedout。"IfIwaited，itwas……"
"Letussitdown，gentlemen，"criedSimonov，comingin。
"Everythingisready;Icananswerforthechampagne;itiscapitallyfrozen……Yousee，Ididnotknowyouraddress，wherewasItolookforyou？"hesuddenlyturnedtome，butagainheseemedtoavoidlookingatme。Evidentlyhehadsomethingagainstme。Itmusthavebeenwhathappenedyesterday。
Allsatdown;Ididthesame。Itwasaroundtable。Trudolyubovwasonmyleft，Simonovonmyright，Zverkovwassittingopposite，Ferfitchkinnexttohim，betweenhimandTrudolyubov。
"Tellme，areyou……inagovernmentoffice？"Zverkovwentonattendingtome。SeeingthatIwasembarrassedheseriouslythoughtthatheoughttobefriendlytome，and，sotospeak，cheermeup。
"Doeshewantmetothrowabottleathishead？"Ithought，inafury。InmynovelsurroundingsIwasunnaturallyreadytobeirritated。
"IntheN——-office，"Iansweredjerkily，withmyeyesonmyplate。
"Andha-aveyouago-odberth？Isay，whatma-a-deyouleaveyouroriginaljob？"
"Whatma-a-demewasthatIwantedtoleavemyoriginaljob，"I
drawledmorethanhe，hardlyabletocontrolmyself。Ferfitchkinwentoffintoaguffaw。Simonovlookedatmeironically。
Trudolyubovleftoffeatingandbeganlookingatmewithcuriosity。
Zverkovwinced，buthetriednottonoticeit。
"Andtheremuneration？"
"Whatremuneration？"
"Imean，yoursa-a-lary？"
"Whyareyoucross-examiningme？"However，Itoldhimatoncewhatmysalarywas。Iturnedhorriblyred。
"Itisnotveryhandsome，"Zverkovobservedmajestically"Yes，youcan’taffordtodineatcafesonthat，"Ferfitchkinaddedinsolently"Tomythinkingit’sverypoor，"Trudolyubovobservedgravely。
"Andhowthinyouhavegrown！Howyouhavechanged！"addedZverkov，withashadeofvenominhisvoice，scanningmeandmyattirewithasortofinsolentcompassion。
"Oh，sparehisblushes，"criedFerfitchkin，sniggering。
"Mydearsir，allowmetotellyouIamnotblushing，"Ibrokeoutatlast;"doyouhear？Iamdininghere，atthiscafe，atmyownexpense，notatotherpeople’s——notethat，Mr。Ferfitchkin。"
"Wha-at？Isn’teveryoneherediningathisownexpense？Youwouldseemtobe……"Ferfitchkinflewoutatme，turningasredasalobster，andlookingmeinthefacewithfury。
"Tha-at，"Ianswered，feelingIhadgonetoofar，"andIimagineitwouldbebettertotalkofsomethingmoreintelligent。"
"Youintendtoshowoffyourintelligence，Isuppose？"
"Don’tdisturbyourself，thatwouldbequiteoutofplacehere。"
"Whyareyouclackingawaylikethat，mygoodsir，eh？Haveyougoneoutofyourwitsinyouroffice？"
"Enough，gentlemen，enough！"Zverkovcried，authoritatively。
"Howstupiditis！"mutteredSimonov。
"Itreallyisstupid。Wehavemethere，acompanyoffriends，forafarewelldinnertoacomradeandyoucarryonanaltercation，"saidTrudolyubov，rudelyaddressinghimselftomealone。"Youinvitedyourselftojoinus，sodon’tdisturbthegeneralharmony。"
"Enough，enough！"criedZverkov。"Giveover，gentlemen，it’soutofplace。BetterletmetellyouhowInearlygotmarriedthedaybeforeyesterday……"
Andthenfollowedaburlesquenarrativeofhowthisgentlemanhadalmostbeenmarriedtwodaysbefore。Therewasnotawordaboutthemarriage，however，butthestorywasadornedwithgenerals，colonelsandkammer-junkers，whileZverkovalmosttooktheleadamongthem。Itwasgreetedwithapprovinglaughter;Ferfitchkinpositivelysquealed。
Noonepaidanyattentiontome，andIsatcrushedandhumiliated。
"GoodHeavens，thesearenotthepeopleforme！"Ithought。"AndwhatafoolIhavemadeofmyselfbeforethem！IletFerfitchkingotoofar，though。Thebrutesimaginetheyaredoingmeanhonourinlettingmesitdownwiththem。Theydon’tunderstandthatit’sanhonourtothemandnottome！I’vegrownthinner！
Myclothes！Oh，damnmytrousers！Zverkovnoticedtheyellowstainonthekneeassoonashecamein……Butwhat’stheuse！
Imustgetupatonce，thisveryminute，takemyhatandsimplygowithoutaword……withcontempt！AndtomorrowIcansendachallenge。Thescoundrels！AsthoughIcaredaboutthesevenroubles。Theymaythink……Damnit！Idon’tcareaboutthesevenroubles。I’llgothisminute！"
OfcourseIremained。IdranksherryandLafittebytheglassfulinmydiscomfiture。Beingunaccustomedtoit，Iwasquicklyaffected。Myannoyanceincreasedasthewinewenttomyhead。I
longedallatoncetoinsultthemallinamostflagrantmannerandthengoaway。ToseizethemomentandshowwhatIcoulddo，sothattheywouldsay，"He’sclever，thoughheisabsurd，"
and……and……infact，damnthemall！
Iscannedthemallinsolentlywithmydrowsyeyes。Buttheyseemedtohaveforgottenmealtogether。Theywerenoisy，vociferous，cheerful。Zverkovwastalkingallthetime。Ibeganlistening。Zverkovwastalkingofsomeexuberantladywhomhehadatlastledontodeclaringherlove（ofcourse，hewaslyinglikeahorse），andhowhehadbeenhelpedinthisaffairbyanintimatefriendofhis，aPrinceKolya，anofficerinthehussars，whohadthreethousandserfs。
"AndyetthisKolya，whohasthreethousandserfs，hasnotputinanappearanceheretonighttoseeyouoff，"Icutinsuddenly。
Foroneminuteeveryonewassilent。
"Youaredrunkalready。"Trudolyubovdeignedtonoticemeatlast，glancingcontemptuouslyinmydirection。Zverkov，withoutaword，examinedmeasthoughIwereaninsect。Idroppedmyeyes。Simonovmadehastetofilluptheglasseswithchampagne。
Trudolyubovraisedhisglass，asdideveryoneelsebutme。
"Yourhealthandgoodluckonthejourney！"hecriedtoZverkov。
"Tooldtimes，toourfuture，hurrah！"
Theyalltossedofftheirglasses，andcrowdedroundZverkovtokisshim。Ididnotmove;myfullglassstooduntouchedbeforeme。
"Why，aren’tyougoingtodrinkit？"roaredTrudolyubov，losingpatienceandturningmenacinglytome。
"Iwanttomakeaspeechseparately，onmyownaccount……andthenI’lldrinkit，Mr。Trudolyubov。"
"Spitefulbrute！"mutteredSimonov。Idrewmyselfupinmychairandfeverishlyseizedmyglass，preparedforsomethingextraordinary，thoughIdidnotknowmyselfpreciselywhatIwasgoingtosay。
"_Silence！_"criedFerfitchkin。"Nowforadisplayofwit！"
Zverkovwaitedverygravely，knowingwhatwascoming。
"Mr。LieutenantZverkov，"Ibegan，"letmetellyouthatIhatephrases，phrasemongersandmenincorsets……that’sthefirstpoint，andthereisasecondonetofollowit。"
Therewasageneralstir。
"Thesecondpointis：Ihateribaldryandribaldtalkers。
Especiallyribaldtalkers！Thethirdpoint：Ilovejustice，truthandhonesty。"Iwentonalmostmechanically，forIwasbeginningtoshiverwithhorrormyselfandhadnoideahowIcametobetalkinglikethis。"Ilovethought，MonsieurZverkov;I
lovetruecomradeship，onanequalfootingandnot……H’m……Ilove……But，however，whynot？Iwilldrinkyourhealth，too，Mr。
Zverkov。SeducetheCircassiangirls，shoottheenemiesofthefatherlandand……and……toyourhealth，MonsieurZverkov！"
Zverkovgotupfromhisseat，bowedtomeandsaid：
"Iamverymuchobligedtoyou。"Hewasfrightfullyoffendedandturnedpale。
"Damnthefellow！"roaredTrudolyubov，bringinghisfistdownonthetable。
"Well，hewantsapunchinthefaceforthat，"squealedFerfitchkin。
"Weoughttoturnhimout，"mutteredSimonov。
"Notaword，gentlemen，notamovement！"criedZverkovsolemnly，checkingthegeneralindignation。"Ithankyouall，butIcanshowhimformyselfhowmuchvalueIattachtohiswords。"
"Mr。Ferfitchkin，youwillgivemesatisfactiontomorrowforyourwordsjustnow！"Isaidaloud，turningwithdignitytoFerfitchkin。
"Aduel，youmean？Certainly，"heanswered。ButprobablyIwassoridiculousasIchallengedhimanditwassooutofkeepingwithmyappearancethateveryoneincludingFerfitchkinwasprostratewithlaughter。
"Yes，lethimalone，ofcourse！Heisquitedrunk，"Trudolyubovsaidwithdisgust。
"Ishallneverforgivemyselfforlettinghimjoinus，"Simonovmutteredagain。
"Nowisthetimetothrowabottleattheirheads，"Ithoughttomyself。Ipickedupthebottle……andfilledmyglass……"No，I’dbettersitontotheend，"Iwentonthinking;"youwouldbepleased，myfriends，ifIwentaway。Nothingwillinducemetogo。I’llgoonsittinghereanddrinkingtotheend，onpurpose，asasignthatIdon’tthinkyouoftheslightestconsequence。I
willgoonsittinganddrinking，becausethisisapublic-houseandIpaidmyentrancemoney。I’llsithereanddrink，forI
lookuponyouassomanypawns，asinanimatepawns。I’llsithereanddrink……andsingifIwantto，yes，sing，forIhavetherightto……tosing……H’m！"
ButIdidnotsing。Isimplytriednottolookatanyofthem。
Iassumedmostunconcernedattitudesandwaitedwithimpatienceforthemtospeak_first_。Butalas，theydidnotaddressme！
Andoh，howIwished，howIwishedatthatmomenttobereconciledtothem！Itstruckeight，atlastnine。Theymovedfromthetabletothesofa。Zverkovstretchedhimselfonaloungeandputonefootonaroundtable。Winewasbroughtthere。Hedid，asafact，orderthreebottlesonhisownaccount。I，ofcourse，wasnotinvitedtojointhem。Theyallsatroundhimonthesofa。Theylistenedtohim，almostwithreverence。Itwasevidentthattheywerefondofhim。"Whatfor？Whatfor？"Iwondered。Fromtimetotimetheyweremovedtodrunkenenthusiasmandkissedeachother。TheytalkedoftheCaucasus，ofthenatureoftruepassion，ofsnugberthsintheservice，oftheincomeofanhussarcalledPodharzhevsky，whomnoneofthemknewpersonally，andrejoicedinthelargenessofit，oftheextraordinarygraceandbeautyofaPrincessD。，whomnoneofthemhadeverseen;thenitcametoShakespeare’sbeingimmortal。
Ismiledcontemptuouslyandwalkedupanddowntheothersideoftheroom，oppositethesofa，fromthetabletothestoveandbackagain。ItriedmyveryutmosttoshowthemthatIcoulddowithoutthem，andyetIpurposelymadeanoisewithmyboots，thumpingwithmyheels。Butitwasallinvain。Theypaidnoattention。Ihadthepatiencetowalkupanddowninfrontofthemfromeighto’clocktilleleven，inthesameplace，fromthetabletothestoveandbackagain。"Iwalkupanddowntopleasemyselfandnoonecanpreventme。"Thewaiterwhocameintotheroomstopped，fromtimetotime，tolookatme。Iwassomewhatgiddyfromturningroundsooften;atmomentsitseemedtomethatIwasindelirium。DuringthosethreehoursIwasthreetimessoakedwithsweatanddryagain。Attimes，withanintense，acutepangIwasstabbedtotheheartbythethoughtthattenyears，twentyyears，fortyyearswouldpass，andthateveninfortyyearsIwouldrememberwithloathingandhumiliationthosefilthiest，mostludicrous，andmostawfulmomentsofmylife。Noonecouldhavegoneoutofhiswaytodegradehimselfmoreshamelessly，andIfullyrealisedit，fully，andyetIwentonpacingupanddownfromthetabletothestove。
"Oh，ifyouonlyknewwhatthoughtsandfeelingsIamcapableof，howculturedIam！"Ithoughtatmoments，mentallyaddressingthesofaonwhichmyenemiesweresitting。ButmyenemiesbehavedasthoughIwerenotintheroom。Once——onlyonce——theyturnedtowardsme，justwhenZverkovwastalkingaboutShakespeare，andIsuddenlygaveacontemptuouslaugh。Ilaughedinsuchanaffectedanddisgustingwaythattheyallatoncebrokeofftheirconversation，andsilentlyandgravelyfortwominuteswatchedmewalkingupanddownfromthetabletothestove，_takingnonoticeofthem_。Butnothingcameofit：theysaidnothing，andtwominuteslatertheyceasedtonoticemeagain。Itstruckeleven。
"Friends，"criedZverkovgettingupfromthesofa，"letusallbeoffnow，_there_！"
"Ofcourse，ofcourse，"theothersassented。IturnedsharplytoZverkov。Iwassoharassed，soexhausted，thatIwouldhavecutmythroattoputanendtoit。Iwasinafever;myhair，soakedwithperspiration，stucktomyforeheadandtemples。
"Zverkov，Ibegyourpardon，"Isaidabruptlyandresolutely。
"Ferfitchkin，yourstoo，andeveryone’s，everyone’s：Ihaveinsultedyouall！"
"Aha！Aduelisnotinyourline，oldman，"Ferfitchkinhissedvenomously。
Itsentasharppangtomyheart。
"No，it’snottheduelIamafraidof，Ferfitchkin！Iamreadytofightyoutomorrow，afterwearereconciled。Iinsistuponit，infact，andyoucannotrefuse。IwanttoshowyouthatIamnotafraidofaduel。YoushallfirefirstandIshallfireintotheair。"
"Heiscomfortinghimself，"saidSimonov。
"He’ssimplyraving，"saidTrudolyubov。
"Butletuspass。Whyareyoubarringourway？Whatdoyouwant？"ZverkovanswereddisdainfullyTheywereallflushed，theireyeswerebright：theyhadbeendrinkingheavily。
"Iaskforyourfriendship，Zverkov;Iinsultedyou，but……"
"Insulted？_You_insulted_me_？Understand，sir，thatyounever，underanycircumstances，couldpossiblyinsult_me_。"
"Andthat’senoughforyou。Outoftheway！"concludedTrudolyubov。
"Olympiaismine，friends，that’sagreed！"criedZverkov。
"Wewon’tdisputeyourright，wewon’tdisputeyourright，"theothersanswered，laughing。
Istoodasthoughspatupon。Thepartywentnoisilyoutoftheroom。Trudolyubovstruckupsomestupidsong。Simonovremainedbehindforamomenttotipthewaiters。Isuddenlywentuptohim。
"Simonov！givemesixroubles！"Isaid，withdesperateresolution。
Helookedatmeinextremeamazement，withvacanteyes。He，too，wasdrunk。
"Youdon’tmeanyouarecomingwithus？"
"Yes。"
"I’venomoney，"hesnappedout，andwithascornfullaughhewentoutoftheroom。
Iclutchedathisovercoat。Itwasanightmare。
"Simonov，Isawyouhadmoney。Whydoyourefuseme？AmIascoundrel？Bewareofrefusingme：ifyouknew，ifyouknewwhyI
amasking！Mywholefuture，mywholeplansdependuponit！"
Simonovpulledoutthemoneyandalmostflungitatme。
"Takeit，ifyouhavenosenseofshame！"hepronouncedpitilessly，andrantoovertakethem。
Iwasleftforamomentalone。Disorder，theremainsofdinner，abrokenwine-glassonthefloor，spiltwine，cigaretteends，fumesofdrinkanddeliriuminmybrain，anagonisingmiseryinmyheartandfinallythewaiter，whohadseenandheardallandwaslookinginquisitivelyintomyface。
"Iamgoingthere！"Icried。"Eithertheyshallallgodownontheirkneestobegformyfriendship，orIwillgiveZverkovaslapintheface！"
V
"Sothisisit，thisisitatlast——contactwithreallife，"I
mutteredasIranheadlongdownstairs。"ThisisverydifferentfromthePope’sleavingRomeandgoingtoBrazil，verydifferentfromtheballonLakeComo！"
"Youareascoundrel，"athoughtflashedthroughmymind，"ifyoulaughatthisnow。"
"Nomatter！"Icried，answeringmyself。"Noweverythingislost！"
Therewasnotracetobeseenofthem，butthatmadenodifference——Iknewwheretheyhadgone。
Atthestepswasstandingasolitarynightsledge-driverinaroughpeasantcoat，powderedoverwiththestillfalling，wet，andasitwerewarm，snow。Itwashotandsteamy。Thelittleshaggypiebaldhorsewasalsocoveredwithsnowandcoughing，I
rememberthatverywell。Imadearushfortheroughlymadesledge;butassoonasIraisedmyfoottogetintoit，therecollectionofhowSimonovhadjustgivenmesixroublesseemedtodoublemeupandItumbledintothesledgelikeasack。
"No，Imustdoagreatdealtomakeupforallthat，"Icried。
"ButIwillmakeupforitorperishonthespotthisverynight。
Start！"
Wesetoff。Therewasaperfectwhirlinmyhead。
"Theywon’tgodownontheirkneestobegformyfriendship。
Thatisamirage，cheapmirage，revolting，romanticandfantastical——that’sanotherballonLakeComo。AndsoIamboundtoslapZverkov’sface！Itismydutyto。Andsoitissettled;
Iamflyingtogivehimaslapintheface。Hurryup！"
Thedrivertuggedatthereins。
"AssoonasIgoinI’llgiveithim。OughtIbeforegivinghimtheslaptosayafewwordsbywayofpreface？No。I’llsimplygoinandgiveithim。Theywillallbesittinginthedrawing-room，andhewithOlympiaonthesofa。ThatdamnedOlympia！Shelaughedatmylooksononeoccasionandrefusedme。
I’llpullOlympia’shair，pullZverkov’sears！No，betteroneear，andpullhimbyitroundtheroom。Maybetheywillallbeginbeatingmeandwillkickmeout。That’smostlikely，indeed。Nomatter！Anyway，Ishallfirstslaphim;theinitiativewillbemine;andbythelawsofhonourthatiseverything：hewillbebrandedandcannotwipeofftheslapbyanyblows，bynothingbutaduel。Hewillbeforcedtofight。
Andletthembeatmenow。Letthem，theungratefulwretches！
Trudolyubovwillbeatmehardest，heissostrong;Ferfitchkinwillbesuretocatchholdsidewaysandtugatmyhair。Butnomatter，nomatter！That’swhatIamgoingfor。Theblockheadswillbeforcedatlasttoseethetragedyofitall！WhentheydragmetothedoorIshallcallouttothemthatinrealitytheyarenotworthmylittlefinger。Geton，driver，geton！"Icriedtothedriver。Hestartedandflickedhiswhip，Ishoutedsosavagely。
"Weshallfightatdaybreak，that’sasettledthing。I’vedonewiththeoffice。Ferfitchkinmadeajokeaboutitjustnow。ButwherecanIgetpistols？Nonsense！I’llgetmysalaryinadvanceandbuythem。Andpowder，andbullets？That’sthesecond’sbusiness。Andhowcanitallbedonebydaybreak？andwhereamItogetasecond？Ihavenofriends。Nonsense！"I
cried，lashingmyselfupmoreandmore。"It’sofnoconsequence！
thefirstpersonImeetinthestreetisboundtobemysecond，justashewouldbeboundtopulladrowningmanoutofwater。
Themosteccentricthingsmayhappen。EvenifIweretoaskthedirectorhimselftobemysecondtomorrow，hewouldbeboundtoconsent，ifonlyfromafeelingofchivalry，andtokeepthesecret！AntonAntonitch……"
Thefactis，thatatthatveryminutethedisgustingabsurdityofmyplanandtheothersideofthequestionwasclearerandmorevividtomyimaginationthanitcouldbetoanyoneonearth。But……
"Geton，driver，geton，yourascal，geton！"
"Ugh，sir！"saidthesonoftoil。
Coldshiverssuddenlyrandownme。Wouldn’titbebetter……togostraighthome？MyGod，myGod！WhydidIinvitemyselftothisdinneryesterday？Butno，it’simpossible。Andmywalkingupanddownforthreehoursfromthetabletothestove？No，they，theyandnooneelsemustpayformywalkingupanddown！Theymustwipeoutthisdishonour！Driveon！
Andwhatiftheygivemeintocustody？Theywon’tdare！They’llbeafraidofthescandal。AndwhatifZverkovissocontemptuousthatherefusestofightaduel？Heissureto;butinthatcaseI’llshowthem……Iwillturnupatthepostingstationwhenhe’ssettingofftomorrow，I’llcatchhimbytheleg，I’llpulloffhiscoatwhenhegetsintothecarriage。I’llgetmyteethintohishand，I’llbitehim。"Seewhatlengthsyoucandriveadesperatemanto！"Hemayhitmeontheheadandtheymaybelabourmefrombehind。Iwillshouttotheassembledmultitude："LookatthisyoungpuppywhoisdrivingofftocaptivatetheCircassiangirlsafterlettingmespitinhisface！"
Ofcourse，afterthateverythingwillbeover！Theofficewillhavevanishedoffthefaceoftheearth。Ishallbearrested，I
shallbetried，Ishallbedismissedfromtheservice，throwninprison，senttoSiberia。Nevermind！InfifteenyearswhentheyletmeoutofprisonIwilltrudgeofftohim，abeggar，inrags。
Ishallfindhiminsomeprovincialtown。Hewillbemarriedandhappy。Hewillhaveagrown-updaughter……Ishallsaytohim：
"Look，monster，atmyhollowcheeksandmyrags！I’velosteverything——mycareer，myhappiness，art，science，_thewomanI
loved_，andallthroughyou。Herearepistols。Ihavecometodischargemypistoland……andI……forgiveyou。ThenIshallfireintotheairandhewillhearnothingmoreofme……"
Iwasactuallyonthepointoftears，thoughIknewperfectlywellatthatmomentthatallthiswasoutofPushkin’sSilvioandLermontov’sMasquerade。AndallatonceIfelthorriblyashamed，soashamedthatIstoppedthehorse，gotoutofthesledge，andstoodstillinthesnowinthemiddleofthestreet。Thedrivergazedatme，sighingandastonished。
WhatwasItodo？Icouldnotgoonthere——itwasevidentlystupid，andIcouldnotleavethingsastheywere，becausethatwouldseemasthough……Heavens，howcouldIleavethings！Andaftersuchinsults！"No！"Icried，throwingmyselfintothesledgeagain。"Itisordained！Itisfate！Driveon，driveon！"
AndinmyimpatienceIpunchedthesledge-driveronthebackoftheneck。
"Whatareyouupto？Whatareyouhittingmefor？"thepeasantshouted，buthewhippeduphisnagsothatitbegankicking。
Thewetsnowwasfallinginbigflakes;Iunbuttonedmyself，regardlessofit。Iforgoteverythingelse，forIhadfinallydecidedontheslap，andfeltwithhorrorthatitwasgoingtohappen_now，atonce_，andthat_noforcecouldstopit_。Thedesertedstreetlampsgleamedsullenlyintheshowydarknessliketorchesatafuneral。Thesnowdriftedundermygreat-coat，undermycoat，undermycravat，andmeltedthere。Ididnotwrapmyselfup——allwaslost，anyway。
Atlastwearrived。Ijumpedout，almostunconscious，railupthestepsandbeganknockingandkickingatthedoor。Ifeltfearfullyweak，particularlyinmylegsandknees。ThedoorwasopenedquicklyasthoughtheyknewIwascoming。Asafact，Simonovhadwarnedthemthatperhapsanothergentlemanwouldarrive，andthiswasaplaceinwhichonehadtogivenoticeandtoobservecertainprecautions。Itwasoneofthose"millineryestablishments"whichwereabolishedbythepoliceagoodtimeago。Bydayitreallywasashop;butatnight，ifonehadanintroduction，onemightvisititforotherpurposes。
Iwalkedrapidlythroughthedarkshopintothefamiliardrawing-
room，wheretherewasonlyonecandleburning，andstoodstillinamazement：therewasnoonethere。"Wherearethey？"Iaskedsomebody。Butbynow，ofcourse，theyhadseparated。Beforemewasstandingapersonwithastupidsmile，the"madam"herself，whohadseenmebefore。Aminutelateradooropenedandanotherpersoncamein。
TakingnonoticeofanythingIstrodeabouttheroom，and，I
believe，Italkedtomyself。IfeltasthoughIhadbeensavedfromdeathandwasconsciousofthis，joyfully，allover：I
shouldhavegiventhatslap，Ishouldcertainly，certainlyhavegivenit！Butnowtheywerenothereand……everythinghadvanishedandchanged！Ilookedround。Icouldnotrealisemyconditionyet。Ilookedmechanicallyatthegirlwhohadcomein：andhadaglimpseofafresh，young，ratherpaleface，withstraight，darkeyebrows，andwithgrave，asitwerewondering，eyesthatattractedmeatonce;Ishouldhavehatedherifshehadbeensmiling。Ibeganlookingathermoreintentlyand，asitwere，witheffort。Ihadnotfullycollectedmythoughts。
Therewassomethingsimpleandgood-naturedinherface，butsomethingstrangelygrave。Iamsurethatthisstoodinherwayhere，andnooneofthosefoolshadnoticedher。Shecouldnot，however，havebeencalledabeauty，thoughshewastall，strong-looking，andwellbuilt。Shewasverysimplydressed。
Somethingloathsomestirredwithinme。Iwentstraightuptoher。
Ichancedtolookintotheglass。Myharassedfacestruckmeasrevoltingintheextreme，pale，angry，abject，withdishevelledhair。"Nomatter，Iamgladofit，"Ithought;"IamgladthatI
shallseemrepulsivetoher;Ilikethat。"
VI……Somewherebehindascreenaclockbeganwheezing，asthoughoppressedbysomething，asthoughsomeonewerestranglingit。
Afteranunnaturallyprolongedwheezingtherefollowedashrill，nasty，andasitwereunexpectedlyrapid，chime——asthoughsomeoneweresuddenlyjumpingforward。Itstrucktwo。Iwokeup，thoughIhadindeednotbeenasleepbutlyinghalf-conscious。
Itwasalmostcompletelydarkinthenarrow，cramped，low-pitchedroom，cumberedupwithanenormouswardrobeandpilesofcardboardboxesandallsortsoffripperyandlitter。Thecandleendthathadbeenburningonthetablewasgoingoutandgaveafaintflickerfromtimetotime。Inafewminutestherewouldbecompletedarkness。
Iwasnotlongincomingtomyself;everythingcamebacktomymindatonce，withoutaneffort，asthoughithadbeeninambushtopounceuponmeagain。And，indeed，evenwhileIwasunconsciousapointseemedcontinuallytoremaininmymemoryunforgotten，androunditmydreamsmoveddrearily。Butstrangetosay，everythingthathadhappenedtomeinthatdayseemedtomenow，onwaking，tobeinthefar，farawaypast，asthoughI
hadlong，longagolivedallthatdown。
Myheadwasfulloffumes。Somethingseemedtobehoveringoverme，rousingme，excitingme，andmakingmerestless。Miseryandspiteseemedsurgingupinmeagainandseekinganoutlet。
SuddenlyIsawbesidemetwowideopeneyesscrutinisingmecuriouslyandpersistently。Thelookinthoseeyeswascoldlydetached，sullen，asitwereutterlyremote;itweigheduponme。
Agrimideacameintomybrainandpassedallovermybody，asahorriblesensation，suchasonefeelswhenonegoesintoadampandmouldycellar。Therewassomethingunnaturalinthosetwoeyes，beginningtolookatmeonlynow。Irecalled，too，thatduringthosetwohoursIhadnotsaidasinglewordtothiscreature，andhad，infact，considereditutterlysuperfluous;infact，thesilencehadforsomereasongratifiedme。NowI
suddenlyrealisedvividlythehideousidea——revoltingasaspider——ofvice，which，withoutlove，grosslyandshamelesslybeginswiththatinwhichtruelovefindsitsconsummation。Foralongtimewegazedateachotherlikethat，butshedidnotdrophereyesbeforemineandherexpressiondidnotchange，sothatatlastIfeltuncomfortable。
"Whatisyourname？"Iaskedabruptly，toputanendtoit。
"Liza，"sheansweredalmostinawhisper，butsomehowfarfromgraciously，andsheturnedhereyesaway。
Iwassilent。
"Whatweather！Thesnow……it’sdisgusting！"Isaid，almosttomyself，puttingmyarmundermyheaddespondently，andgazingattheceiling。
Shemadenoanswer。Thiswashorrible。
"HaveyoualwayslivedinPetersburg？"Iaskedaminutelater，almostangrily，turningmyheadslightlytowardsher。
"No。"
"Wheredoyoucomefrom？"
"FromRiga，"sheansweredreluctantly。
"AreyouaGerman？"
"No，Russian。"
"Haveyoubeenherelong？"
"Where？"
"Inthishouse？"
"Afortnight。"
Shespokemoreandmorejerkily。Thecandlewentout;Icouldnolongerdistinguishherface。
"Haveyouafatherandmother？"
"Yes……no……Ihave。"
"Wherearethey？"
"There……inRiga。"
"Whatarethey？"
"Oh，nothing。"
"Nothing？Why，whatclassarethey？"
"Tradespeople。"
"Haveyoualwayslivedwiththem？"
"Yes。"
"Howoldareyou？"
"Twenty。"
"Whydidyouleavethem？"
"Oh，fornoreason。"
Thatanswermeant"Letmealone;Ifeelsick，sad。"
Weweresilent。
GodknowswhyIdidnotgoaway。Ifeltmyselfmoreandmoresickanddreary。Theimagesofthepreviousdaybeganofthemselves，apartfrommywill，flittingthroughmymemoryinconfusion。IsuddenlyrecalledsomethingIhadseenthatmorningwhen，fullofanxiousthoughts，Iwashurryingtotheoffice。
"Isawthemcarryingacoffinoutyesterdayandtheynearlydroppedit，"Isuddenlysaidaloud，notthatIdesiredtoopentheconversation，butasitwerebyaccident。
"Acoffin？"
"Yes，intheHaymarket;theywerebringingitupoutofacellar。"
"Fromacellar？"
"Notfromacellar，butabasement。Oh，youknow……downbelow……fromahouseofill-fame。Itwasfilthyallround……Egg-shells，litter……astench。Itwasloathsome。"
Silence。
"Anastydaytobeburied，"Ibegan，simplytoavoidbeingsilent。
"Nasty，inwhatway？"
"Thesnow，thewet。"（Iyawned。）
"Itmakesnodifference，"shesaidsuddenly，afterabriefsilence。
"No，it’shorrid。"（Iyawnedagain）。"Thegravediggersmusthaveswornatgettingdrenchedbythesnow。Andtheremusthavebeenwaterinthegrave。"
"Whywaterinthegrave？"sheasked，withasortofcuriosity，butspeakingevenmoreharshlyandabruptlythanbefore。
Isuddenlybegantofeelprovoked。
"Why，theremusthavebeenwateratthebottomafootdeep。Youcan’tdigadrygraveinVolkovoCemetery。"
"Why？"
"Why？Why，theplaceiswaterlogged。It’saregularmarsh。Sotheyburytheminwater。I’veseenitmyself……manytimes。"
（Ihadneverseenitonce，indeedIhadneverbeeninVolkovo，andhadonlyheardstoriesofit。）
"Doyoumeantosay，youdon’tmindhowyoudie？"
"ButwhyshouldIdie？"sheanswered，asthoughdefendingherself。
"Why，somedayyouwilldie，andyouwilldiejustthesameasthatdeadwoman。Shewas……agirllikeyou。Shediedofconsumption。"
"Awenchwouldhavediedinhospital……"（Sheknowsallaboutitalready：shesaid"wench，"not"girl。"）
"Shewasindebttohermadam，"Iretorted，moreandmoreprovokedbythediscussion;"andwentonearningmoneyforheruptotheend，thoughshewasinconsumption。Somesledge-driversstandingbyweretalkingabouthertosomesoldiersandtellingthemso。Nodoubttheyknewher。Theywerelaughing。Theyweregoingtomeetinapot-housetodrinktohermemory。"
Agreatdealofthiswasmyinvention。Silencefollowed，profoundsilence。Shedidnotstir。
"Andisitbettertodieinahospital？"
"Isn’titjustthesame？Besides，whyshouldIdie？"sheaddedirritably。
"Ifnotnow，alittlelater。"
"Whyalittlelater？"
"Why，indeed？Nowyouareyoung，pretty，fresh，youfetchahighprice。Butafteranotheryearofthislifeyouwillbeverydifferent——youwillgooff。"
"Inayear？"
"Anyway，inayearyouwillbeworthless，"Icontinuedmalignantly。"Youwillgofromheretosomethinglower，anotherhouse;ayearlater——toathird，lowerandlower，andinsevenyearsyouwillcometoabasementintheHaymarket。Thatwillbeifyouwerelucky。Butitwouldbemuchworseifyougotsomedisease，consumption，say……andcaughtachill，orsomethingorother。It’snoteasytogetoveranillnessinyourwayoflife。
Ifyoucatchanythingyoumaynotgetridofit。Andsoyouwoulddie。"
"Oh，well，thenIshalldie，"sheanswered，quitevindictively，andshemadeaquickmovement。
"Butoneissorry。"
"Sorryforwhom？"
"Sorryforlife。"
Silence。
"Haveyoubeenengagedtobemarried？Eh？"
"What’sthattoyou？"
"Oh，Iamnotcross-examiningyou。It’snothingtome。Whyareyousocross？Ofcourseyoumayhavehadyourowntroubles。
Whatisittome？It’ssimplythatIfeltsorry。"
"Sorryforwhom？"
"Sorryforyou。"
"Noneed，"shewhisperedhardlyaudibly，andagainmadeafaintmovement。
Thatincensedmeatonce。What！Iwassogentlewithher，andshe……
"Why，doyouthinkthatyouareontherightpath？"
"Idon’tthinkanything。"
"That’swhat’swrong，thatyoudon’tthink。Realiseitwhilethereisstilltime。Therestillistime。Youarestillyoung，good-looking;youmightlove，bemarried，behappy……"
"Notallmarriedwomenarehappy，"shesnappedoutintherudeabrupttoneshehadusedatfirst。
"Notall，ofcourse，butanywayitismuchbetterthanthelifehere。Infinitelybetter。Besides，withloveonecanliveevenwithouthappiness。Eveninsorrowlifeissweet;lifeissweet，howeveronelives。Butherewhatistherebut……foulness？
Phew！"
Iturnedawaywithdisgust;Iwasnolongerreasoningcoldly。I
begantofeelmyselfwhatIwassayingandwarmedtothesubject。
IwasalreadylongingtoexpoundthecherishedideasIhadbroodedoverinmycorner。Somethingsuddenlyflaredupinme。
Anobjecthadappearedbeforeme。
"Nevermindmybeinghere，Iamnotanexampleforyou。Iam，perhaps，worsethanyouare。IwasdrunkwhenIcamehere，though，"Ihastened，however，tosayinself-defence。"Besides，amanisnoexampleforawoman。It’sadifferentthing。Imaydegradeanddefilemyself，butIamnotanyone’sslave。Icomeandgo，andthat’sanendofit。Ishakeitoff，andIamadifferentman。Butyouareaslavefromthestart。Yes，aslave！Yougiveupeverything，yourwholefreedom。Ifyouwanttobreakyourchainsafterwards，youwon’tbeableto;youwillbemoreandmorefastinthesnares。Itisanaccursedbondage。
Iknowit。Iwon’tspeakofanythingelse，maybeyouwon’tunderstand，buttellme：nodoubtyouareindebttoyourmadam？
There，yousee，"Iadded，thoughshemadenoanswer，butonlylistenedinsilence，entirelyabsorbed，"that’sabondageforyou！Youwillneverbuyyourfreedom。Theywillseetothat。
It’slikesellingyoursoultothedevil……Andbesides……
perhaps，Itoo，amjustasunlucky——howdoyouknow——andwallowinthemudonpurpose，outofmisery？Youknow，mentaketodrinkfromgrief;well，maybeIamherefromgrief。Come，tellme，whatistheregoodhere？HereyouandI……cametogether……justnowanddidnotsayonewordtooneanotherallthetime，anditwasonlyafterwardsyoubeganstaringatmelikeawildcreature，andIatyou。Isthatloving？Isthathowonehumanbeingshouldmeetanother？It’shideous，that’swhatitis！"
"Yes！"sheassentedsharplyandhurriedly。
Iwaspositivelyastoundedbythepromptitudeofthis"Yes。"Sothesamethoughtmayhavebeenstrayingthroughhermindwhenshewasstaringatmejustbefore。Soshe，too，wascapableofcertainthoughts？"Damnitall，thiswasinteresting，thiswasapointoflikeness！"Ithought，almostrubbingmyhands。Andindeedit’seasytoturnayoungsoullikethat！
Itwastheexerciseofmypowerthatattractedmemost。
Sheturnedherheadnearertome，anditseemedtomeinthedarknessthatsheproppedherselfonherarm。Perhapsshewasscrutinisingme。HowIregrettedthatIcouldnotseehereyes。
Iheardherdeepbreathing。
"Whyhaveyoucomehere？"Iaskedher，withanoteofauthorityalreadyinmyvoice。
"Oh，Idon’tknow。"
"Buthowniceitwouldbetobelivinginyourfather’shouse！
It’swarmandfree;youhaveahomeofyourown。"
"Butwhatifit’sworsethanthis？"
"Imusttaketherighttone，"flashedthroughmymind。"Imaynotgetfarwithsentimentality。"Butitwasonlyamomentarythought。Iswearshereallydidinterestme。Besides，Iwasexhaustedandmoody。Andcunningsoeasilygoeshand-in-handwithfeeling。
"Whodeniesit！"Ihastenedtoanswer。"Anythingmayhappen。I
amconvincedthatsomeonehaswrongedyou，andthatyouaremoresinnedagainstthansinning。Ofcourse，Iknownothingofyourstory，butit’snotlikelyagirllikeyouhascomehereofherowninclination……"
"Agirllikeme？"shewhispered，hardlyaudibly;butIheardit。
Damnitall，Iwasflatteringher。Thatwashorrid。Butperhapsitwasagoodthing……Shewassilent。
"See，Liza，Iwilltellyouaboutmyself。IfIhadhadahomefromchildhood，Ishouldn’tbewhatIamnow。Ioftenthinkthat。Howeverbaditmaybeathome，anywaytheyareyourfatherandmother，andnotenemies，strangers。Onceayearatleast，they’llshowtheirloveofyou。Anyway，youknowyouareathome。Igrewupwithoutahome;andperhapsthat’swhyI’veturnedso……unfeeling。"
Iwaitedagain。"Perhapsshedoesn’tunderstand，"Ithought，"and，indeed，itisabsurd——it’smoralising。"
"IfIwereafatherandhadadaughter，IbelieveIshouldlovemydaughtermorethanmysons，really，"Ibeganindirectly，asthoughtalkingofsomethingelse，todistractherattention。I
mustconfessIblushed。
"Whyso？"sheasked。
Ah！soshewaslistening！
"Idon’tknow，Liza。Iknewafatherwhowasastern，austereman，butusedtogodownonhiskneestohisdaughter，usedtokissherhands，herfeet，hecouldn’tmakeenoughofher，really。
Whenshedancedatpartiesheusedtostandforfivehoursatastretch，gazingather。Hewasmadoverher：Iunderstandthat！
Shewouldfallasleeptiredatnight，andhewouldwaketokissherinhersleepandmakethesignofthecrossoverher。Hewouldgoaboutinadirtyoldcoat，hewasstingytoeveryoneelse，butwouldspendhislastpennyforher，givingherexpensivepresents，anditwashisgreatestdelightwhenshewaspleasedwithwhathegaveher。Fathersalwayslovetheirdaughtersmorethanthemothersdo。Somegirlslivehappilyathome！AndIbelieveIshouldneverletmydaughtersmarry。"
"Whatnext？"shesaid，withafaintsmile。
"Ishouldbejealous，Ireallyshould。Tothinkthatsheshouldkissanyoneelse！Thatsheshouldloveastrangermorethanherfather！It’spainfultoimagineit。Ofcourse，that’sallnonsense，ofcourseeveryfatherwouldbereasonableatlast。
ButIbelievebeforeIshouldlethermarry，Ishouldworrymyselftodeath;Ishouldfindfaultwithallhersuitors。ButI
shouldendbylettinghermarrywhomsheherselfloved。Theonewhomthedaughterlovesalwaysseemstheworsttothefather，youknow。Thatisalwaysso。Somanyfamilytroublescomefromthat。"
"Somearegladtoselltheirdaughters，ratherthanmarryingthemhonourably。"
Ah，sothatwasit！
"Suchathing，Liza，happensinthoseaccursedfamiliesinwhichthereisneitherlovenorGod，"Iretortedwarmly，"andwherethereisnolove，thereisnosenseeither。Therearesuchfamilies，it’strue，butIamnotspeakingofthem。Youmusthaveseenwickednessinyourownfamily，ifyoutalklikethat。
Truly，youmusthavebeenunlucky。H’m！……thatsortofthingmostlycomesaboutthroughpoverty。"
"Andisitanybetterwiththegentry？Evenamongthepoor，honestpeoplewholivehappily？"
"H’m……yes。Perhaps。Anotherthing，Liza，manisfondofreckoninguphistroubles，butdoesnotcounthisjoys。Ifhecountedthemupasheought，hewouldseethateverylothasenoughhappinessprovidedforit。Andwhatifallgoeswellwiththefamily，iftheblessingofGodisuponit，ifthehusbandisagoodone，lovesyou，cherishesyou，neverleavesyou！Thereishappinessinsuchafamily！Evensometimesthereishappinessinthemidstofsorrow;andindeedsorrowiseverywhere。Ifyoumarry_youwillfindoutforyourself_。Butthinkofthefirstyearsofmarriedlifewithoneyoulove：whathappiness，whathappinesstheresometimesisinit！Andindeedit’stheordinarything。Inthoseearlydaysevenquarrelswithone’shusbandendhappily。Somewomengetupquarrelswiththeirhusbandsjustbecausetheylovethem。Indeed，Iknewawomanlikethat：sheseemedtosaythatbecauseshelovedhim，shewouldtormenthimandmakehimfeelit。Youknowthatyoumaytormentamanonpurposethroughlove。Womenareparticularlygiventothat，thinkingtothemselves’Iwilllovehimso，Iwillmakesomuchofhimafterwards，thatit’snosintotormenthimalittlenow。’
Andallinthehouserejoiceinthesightofyou，andyouarehappyandgayandpeacefulandhonourable……Thentherearesomewomenwhoarejealous。Ifhewentoffanywhere——Iknewonesuchwoman，shecouldn’trestrainherself，butwouldjumpupatnightandrunoffontheslytofindoutwherehewas，whetherhewaswithsomeotherwoman。That’sapity。Andthewomanknowsherselfit’swrong，andherheartfailsherandshesuffers，butsheloves——it’sallthroughlove。Andhowsweetitistomakeupafterquarrels，toownherselfinthewrongortoforgivehim！
Andtheybotharesohappyallatonce——asthoughtheyhadmetanew，beenmarriedoveragain;asthoughtheirlovehadbegunafresh。Andnoone，nooneshouldknowwhatpassesbetweenhusbandandwifeiftheyloveoneanother。Andwhateverquarrelstheremaybebetweenthemtheyoughtnottocallintheirownmothertojudgebetweenthemandtelltalesofoneanother。Theyaretheirownjudges。Loveisaholymysteryandoughttobehiddenfromallothereyes，whateverhappens。Thatmakesitholierandbetter。Theyrespectoneanothermore，andmuchisbuiltonrespect。Andifoncetherehasbeenlove，iftheyhavebeenmarriedforlove，whyshouldlovepassaway？Surelyonecankeepit！Itisrarethatonecannotkeepit。Andifthehusbandiskindandstraightforward，whyshouldnotlovelast？Thefirstphaseofmarriedlovewillpass，itistrue，butthentherewillcomealovethatisbetterstill。Thentherewillbetheunionofsouls，theywillhaveeverythingincommon，therewillbenosecretsbetweenthem。Andoncetheyhavechildren，themostdifficulttimeswillseemtothemhappy，solongasthereisloveandcourage。Eventoilwillbeajoy，youmaydenyyourselfbreadforyourchildrenandeventhatwillbeajoy，Theywillloveyouforitafterwards;soyouarelayingbyforyourfuture。
Asthechildrengrowupyoufeelthatyouareanexample，asupportforthem;thatevenafteryoudieyourchildrenwillalwayskeepyourthoughtsandfeelings，becausetheyhavereceivedthemfromyou，theywilltakeonyoursemblanceandlikeness。Soyouseethisisagreatduty。Howcanitfailtodrawthefatherandmothernearer？Peoplesayit’satrialtohavechildren。Whosaysthat？Itisheavenlyhappiness！Areyoufondoflittlechildren，Liza？Iamawfullyfondofthem。
Youknow——alittlerosybabyboyatyourbosom，andwhathusband’sheartisnottouched，seeinghiswifenursinghischild！Aplumplittlerosybaby，sprawlingandsnuggling，chubbylittlehandsandfeet，cleantinylittlenails，sotinythatitmakesonelaughtotookatthem;eyesthatlookasiftheyunderstandeverything。Andwhileitsucksitclutchesatyourbosomwithitslittlehand，plays。Whenitsfathercomesup，thechildtearsitselfawayfromthebosom，flingsitselfback，looksatitsfather，laughs，asthoughitwerefearfullyfunny，andfallstosuckingagain。Oritwillbiteitsmother’sbreastwhenitslittleteetharecoming，whileitlookssidewaysatherwithitslittleeyesasthoughtosay，’Look，Iambiting！’Isnotallthathappinesswhentheyarethethreetogether，husband，wifeandchild？Onecanforgiveagreatdealforthesakeofsuchmoments。Yes，Liza，onemustfirstlearntoliveoneselfbeforeoneblamesothers！"
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