PREFACE
Saidafriendofminetomesomemonthsago："Wellnow，whydon’tyouwriteaSENSIBLEbook？Ishouldliketoseeyoumakepeoplethink。"
"Doyoubelieveitcanbedone，then？"Iasked。
"Well，try，"hereplied。
Accordingly，Ihavetried。Thisisasensiblebook。Iwantyoutounderstandthat。Thisisabooktoimproveyourmind。InthisbookItellyouallaboutGermany——atallevents，allIknowaboutGermany——andtheOber-AmmergauPassionPlay。Ialsotellyouaboutotherthings。IdonottellyouallIknowaboutalltheseotherthings，becauseIdonotwanttoswampyouwithknowledge。Iwishtoleadyougradually。Whenyouhavelearntthisbook，youcancomeagain，andIwilltellyousomemore。IshouldonlybedefeatingmyownobjectdidI，bymakingyouthinktoomuchatfirst，giveyouaperhaps，lastingdisliketotheexercise。Ihavepurposelyputthematterinalightandattractiveform，sothatImaysecuretheattentionoftheyoungandthefrivolous。Idonotwantthemtonotice，astheygoon，thattheyarebeinginstructed;andIhave，therefore，endeavouredtodisguisefromthem，sofarasispracticable，thatthisiseitheranexceptionallycleveroranexceptionallyusefulwork。Iwanttodothemgoodwithouttheirknowingit。Iwanttodoyouallgood——toimproveyourmindsandtomakeyouthink，ifIcan。
WHATyouwillthinkafteryouhavereadthebook，Idonotwanttoknow;indeed，Iwouldrathernotknow。ItwillbesufficientrewardformetofeelthatIhavedonemyduty，andtoreceiveapercentageonthegrosssales。
LONDON，March，1891。
DIARYOFAPILGRIMAGE
MONDAY，19TH
MyFriendB。——InvitationtotheTheatre。——AMostUnpleasantRegulation。——YearningsoftheEmbryoTraveller。——HowtoMaketheMostofOne’sOwnCountry。——Friday，aLuckyDay。——ThePilgrimageDecidedOn。
MyfriendB。calledonmethismorningandaskedmeifIwouldgotoatheatrewithhimonMondaynext。
"Oh，yes！certainly，oldman，"Ireplied。"Haveyougotanorder，then？"
Hesaid：
"No;theydon’tgiveorders。Weshallhavetopay。"
"Pay！Paytogointoatheatre！"Ianswered，inastonishment。"Oh，nonsense！Youarejoking。"
"Mydearfellow，"herejoined，"doyouthinkIshouldsuggestpayingifitwerepossibletogetinbyanyothermeans？Butthepeoplewhorunthistheatrewouldnotevenunderstandwhatwasmeantbya’freelist，’theuncivilisedbarbarians！ItisofnousepretendingtothemthatyouareonthePress，becausetheydon’twantthePress;theydon’tthinkanythingofthePress。Itisnogoodwritingtotheactingmanager，becausethereisnoactingmanager。
Itwouldbeawasteoftimeofferingtoexhibitbills，becausetheydon’thaveanybills——notofthatsort。Ifyouwanttogointoseetheshow，you’vegottopay。Ifyoudon’tpay，youstopoutside;
that’stheirbrutalrule。"
"Dearme，"Isaid，"whataveryunpleasantarrangement！Andwhereaboutsisthisextraordinarytheatre？Idon’tthinkIcaneverhavebeeninsideit。"
"Idon’tthinkyouhave，"hereplied;"itisatOber-Ammergau——firstturningontheleftafteryouleaveOberrailway-station，fiftymilesfromMunich。"
"Um！ratheroutofthewayforatheatre，"Isaid。"Ishouldnothavethoughtanoutlyinghouselikethatcouldhaveaffordedtogiveitselfairs。"
"Thehouseholdsseventhousandpeople，"answeredmyfriendB。，"andmoneyisturnedawayateachperformance。ThefirstproductionisonMondaynext。Willyoucome？"
Iponderedforamoment，lookedatmydiary，andsawthatAuntEmmawascomingtospendSaturdaytoWednesdaynextwithus，calculatedthatifIwentIshouldmissher，andmightnotseeheragainforyears，anddecidedthatIwouldgo。
Totellthetruth，itwasthejourneymorethantheplaythattemptedme。Tobeagreattravellerhasalwaysbeenoneofmycherishedambitions。Iyearntobeabletowriteinthissortofstrain：-
"IhavesmokedmyfragrantHavanainthesunnystreetsofoldMadrid，andIhavepuffedtherudeandnotsweet-smellingcalumetofpeaceinthedraughtywigwamoftheWildWest;Ihavesippedmyeveningcoffeeinthesilenttent，whilethetetheredcamelbrowsedwithoutuponthedesertgrass，andIhavequaffedthefierybrandyoftheNorthwhilethereindeermunchedhisfodderbesidemeinthehut，andthepalelightofthemidnightsunthrewtheshadowsofthepinesacrossthesnow;Ihavefeltthestaboflustrouseyesthat，ghostlike，lookedatmefromoutveil-coveredfacesinByzantium’snarrowways，andIhavelaughedback（thoughitwaswrongofmetodoso）atthesaucy，wantonglancesoftheblack-eyedgirlsofJedo;
Ihavewanderedwhere’good’——butnottoogood——HarounAlraschidcreptdisguisedatnightfall，withhisfaithfulMesrourbyhisside;
IhavestooduponthebridgewhereDantewatchedthesaintedBeatricepassby;IhavefloatedonthewatersthatonceborethebargeofCleopatra;IhavestoodwhereCaesarfell;Ihaveheardthesoftrustleofrich，rarerobesinthedrawing-roomsofMayfair，andIhaveheardtheteeth-necklacesrattlearoundtheebonythroatsofthebellesofTongataboo;Ihavepantedbeneaththesun’sfierceraysinIndia，andfrozenundertheicyblastsofGreenland;IhavemingledwiththeteeminghordesofoldCathay，and，deepinthegreatpineforestsoftheWesternWorld，Ihavelain，wrappedinmyblanket，athousandmilesbeyondtheshoresofhumanlife。"
B。，towhomIexplainedmyleaningtowardsthisstyleofdiction，saidthatexactlythesameeffectcouldbeproducedbywritingaboutplacesquitehandy。Hesaid：-
"IcouldgoonlikethatwithouthavingbeenoutsideEnglandatall。
Ishouldsay：
"IhavesmokedmyfourpennyshaginthesandedbarsofFleetStreet，andIhavepuffedmytwopennyManillainthegildedballsoftheCriterion;IhavequaffedmyfoamingbeerofBurtonwhereIslington’sfamedAngelgathersthelittlethirstyonesbeneathhershadowingwings，andIhavesippedmytenpennyordinaireinmanyagarlic-scentedsalonofSoho。Onthebackofthestrangely-movingassIhaveurged——or，tospeakmorecorrectly，theproprietoroftheass，orhisagent，frombehindhasurged——mywildcareeracrossthesandyheathsofHampstead，andmycanoehasstartledthescreamingwild-fowlfromtheirlonelyhauntsamidthesub-tropicalregionsofBattersea。Adownthelong，steepslopeofOneTreeHillhaveI
rolledfromtoptofoot，whilelaughingmaidensoftheEaststoodroundandclappedtheirhandsandyelled;and，intheold-worldgardenofthatpleasantCourt，whereplayedthefair-hairedchildrenoftheill-starredStuarts，haveIwanderedlongthroughmanypaths，myarmentwinedaboutthewaistofoneofEve’ssweetdaughters，whilehermotherragedaroundindignantlyontheothersideofthehedge，andneverseemedtogetanynearertous。Ihavechasedthelodging-houseNorfolkHowardtohiswaterydeathbythepalelamp’slight;Ihave，shivering，followedtheleapingfleao’ermanyamileofpillowandsheet，bythegreatAtlantic’smargin。Roundandround，tilltheheart——andnotonlytheheart——growssick，andthemadbrainwhirlsandreels，haveIriddenthesmall，butextremelyhard，horse，thatmay，forapenny，bemountedamidtheplainsofPeckhamRye;andhighabovetheheadsofthegiddythrongsofBarnet（thoughitisdoubtfulifanyoneamongthemwashalfsogiddyaswasI）haveIswunginhighly-colouredcar，workedbyamanwitharope。
IhavetrodinstatelymeasurethefloorofKensington’sTownHall（theticketswereaguineaeach，andincludedrefreshments——whenyoucouldgettothemthroughthecrowd），andonthegreenswardoftheforestthatborderseasternAngliabytheoft-sungtownofEppingI
haveperformedquaintceremoniesinaring;IhavemingledwiththeteeminghordesofDruryLaneonBoxingNight，and，duringtherunofahigh-classpiece，Ihavesatinlonelygrandeurinthefrontrowofthegallery，andwishedthatIhadspentmyshillinginsteadintheOrientalhallsoftheAlhambra。"
"Thereyouare，"saidB。，"thatisjustasgoodasyours;andyoucanwritelikethatwithoutgoingmorethanafewhours’journeyfromLondon。"
"Wewilldiscussthematternofurther，"Ireplied。"Youcannot，I
see，enterintomyfeelings。Thewildheartofthetravellerdoesnotthrobwithinyourbreast;youcannotunderstandhislongings。
Nomatter！SufficeitthatIwillcomethisjourneywithyou。I
willbuyaGermanconversationbook，andacheck-suit，andablueveil，andawhiteumbrella，andsuchlikenecessitiesoftheEnglishtouristinGermany，thisveryafternoon。Whendoyoustart？"
"Well，"hesaid，"itisagoodtwodays’journey。IproposetostartonFriday。"
"IsnotFridayratheranunluckydaytostarton？"Isuggested。
"Oh，goodgracious！"heretortedquitesharply，"whatrubbishnext？
AsiftheaffairsofEuropeweregoingtobearrangedbyProvidenceaccordingtowhetheryouandIstartforanexcursiononaThursdayoraFriday！"
Hesaidhewassurprisedthatamanwhocouldbesosensible，occasionally，asmyself，couldhavepatiencetoeventhinkofsuchold-womanishnonsense。Hesaidthatyearsago，whenhewasasillyboy，heusedtopayattentiontothisfoolishsuperstitionhimself，andwouldneveruponanyconsiderationstartforatripuponaFriday。
But，oneyear，hewascompelledtodoso。ItwasacaseofeitherstartingonaFridayornotgoingatall，andhedeterminedtochanceit。
Hewent，preparedforandexpectingaseriesofaccidentsandmisfortunes。Toreturnhomealivewastheonlybitofpleasurehehopedforfromthattrip。
Asitturnedout，however，hehadneverhadamoreenjoyableholidayinhislifebefore。Thewholeeventwasatremendoussuccess。
Andafterthat，hehadmadeuphismindtoALWAYSstartonaFriday;
andhealwaysdid，andalwayshadagoodtime。
Hesaidthathewouldnever，uponanyconsideration，startforatripuponanyotherdaybutaFridaynow。Itwassoabsurd，thissuperstitionaboutFriday。
SoweagreedtostartontheFriday，andIamtomeethimatVictoriaStationataquartertoeightintheevening。
THURSDAY，22ND
TheQuestionofLuggage。——FirstFriend’sSuggestion。——SecondFriend’sSuggestion。——ThirdFriend’sSuggestion。——Mrs。Briggs’
Advice。——OurVicar’sAdvice。——HisWife’sAdvice。——MedicalAdvice。——
LiteraryAdvice。——George’sRecommendation。——MySister-in-Law’sHelp。——YoungSmith’sCounsel。——MyOwnIdeas。——B。’sIdea。
Ihavebeenagooddealworriedto-dayaboutthequestionofwhatluggagetotakewithme。Imetamanthismorning，andhesaid：
"Oh，ifyouaregoingtoOber-Ammergau，mindyoutakeplentyofwarmclothingwithyou。You’llneedallyourwinterthingsupthere。"
Hesaidthatafriendofhishadgoneuptheresomeyearsago，andhadnottakenenoughwarmthingswithhim，andhadcaughtachillthere，andhadcomehomeanddied。Hesaid：
"Youbeguidedbyme，andtakeplentyofwarmthingswithyou。"
Imetanothermanlateron，andhesaid：
"Ihearyouaregoingabroad。Now，tellme，whatpartofEuropeareyougoingto？"
IrepliedthatIthoughtitwassomewhereaboutthemiddle。Hesaid：
"Well，now，youtakemyadvice，andgetacalicosuitandasunshade。Nevermindthelookofthething。Youbecomfortable。
You’venoideaoftheheatontheContinentatthistimeoftheyear。EnglishpeoplewillpersistintravellingabouttheContinentinthesamestuffyclothesthattheywearathome。That’showsomanyofthemgetsunstrokes，andareruinedforlife。"
Iwentintotheclub，andthereImetafriendofmine——anewspapercorrespondent——whohastravelledagooddeal，andknowsEuropeprettywell。Itoldhimwhatmytwootherfriendshadsaid，andaskedhimwhichIwastobelieve。Hesaid：
"Well，asamatteroffact，theyarebothright。Yousee，upinthosehillydistricts，theweatherchangesveryquickly。Inthemorningitmaybeblazinghot，andyouwillbemelting，andintheeveningyoumaybeverygladofaflannelshirtandafurcoat。"
"Why，thatisexactlythesortofweatherwehaveinEngland！"I
exclaimed。"Ifthat’salltheseforeignerscanmanageintheirowncountry，whatrighthavetheytocomeoverhere，astheydo，andgrumbleaboutourweather？"
"Well，asamatteroffact，"hereplied，"theyhaven’tanyright;
butyoucan’tstopthem——theywilldoit。No，youtakemyadvice，andbepreparedforeverything。Takeacoolsuitandsomethinthings，forifit’shot，andplentyofwarmthingsincaseitiscold。"
WhenIgothomeIfoundMrs。Briggsthere，shehavinglookedintoseehowthebabywas。Shesaid：-
"Oh！ifyou’regoinganywherenearGermany，youtakeabitofsoapwithyou。"
ShesaidthatMr。BriggshadbeencalledovertoGermanyonceinahurry，onbusiness，andhadforgottentotakeapieceofsoapwithhim，anddidn’tknowenoughGermantoaskforanywhenhegotoverthere，anddidn’tseeanytoaskforevenifhehadknown，andwasawayforthreeweeks，andwasn’tabletowashhimselfallthetime，andcamehomesodirtythattheydidn’tknowhim，andmistookhimforthemanthatwastocometoseewhatwasthematterwiththekitchenboiler。
Mrs。Briggsalsoadvisedmetotakesometowelswithme，astheygiveyousuchsmalltowelstowipeon。
Iwentoutafterlunch，andmetourVicar。Hesaid：
"Takeablanketwithyou。"
HesaidthatnotonlydidtheGermanhotel-keepersnevergiveyousufficientbedclothestokeepyouwarmofanight，buttheyneverproperlyairedtheirsheets。HesaidthatayoungfriendofhishadgoneforatourthroughGermanyonce，andhadsleptinadampbed，andhadcaughtrheumaticfever，andhadcomehomeanddied。
Hiswifejoinedusatthispoint。（Hewaswaitingforheroutsideadraper’sshopwhenImethim。）HeexplainedtoherthatIwasgoingtoGermany，andshesaid：
"Oh！takeapillowwithyou。Theydon’tgiveyouanypillows——notlikeourpillows——andit’sSOwretched，you’llnevergetadecentnight’srestifyoudon’ttakeapillow。"Shesaid："Youcanhavealittlebagmadeforit，anditdoesn’tlookanything。"
Imetourdoctorafewyardsfurtheron。Hesaid：
"Don’tforgettotakeabottleofbrandywithyou。Itdoesn’ttakeupmuchroom，and，ifyou’renotusedtoGermancooking，you’llfindithandyinthenight。"
Headdedthatthebrandyyougetatforeignhotelswasmerepoison，andthatitwasreallyunsafetotravelabroadwithoutabottleofbrandy。Hesaidthatasimplethinglikeabottleofbrandyinyourbagmightoftensaveyourlife。
Cominghome，Iranagainstaliteraryfriendofmine。Hesaid：
"You’llhaveagoodishtimeinthetrainoldfellow。Areyouusedtolongrailwayjourneys？"
Isaid：
"Well，I’vetravelleddownfromLondonintotheveryheartofSurreybyaSouthEasternexpress。"
"Oh！that’samerenothing，comparedwithwhatyou’vegotbeforeyounow，"heanswered。"Lookhere，I’lltellyouaverygoodideaofhowtopassthetime。Youtakeachessboardwithyouandasetofmen。You’llthankmefortellingyouthat！"
Georgedroppedinduringtheevening。Hesaid：
"I’lltellyouonethingyou’llhavetotakewithyou，oldman，andthat’saboxofcigarsandsometobacco。"
HesaidthattheGermancigar——thebetterclassofGermancigar——wasofthebrandthatistechnicallyknownoverhereasthe"PennyPickwick——SpringCrop;"andhethoughtthatIshouldnothavetime，duringtheshortstayIcontemplatedmakinginthecountry，toacquireatasteforitsflavour。
Mysister-in-lawcameinlateronintheevening（sheisathoughtfulgirl），andbroughtaboxwithheraboutthesizeofatea-chest。Shesaid：
"Now，youslipthatinyourbag;you’llbegladofthat。There’severythingthereformakingyourselfacupoftea。"
ShesaidthattheydidnotunderstandteainGermany，butthatwiththatIshouldbeindependentofthem。
Sheopenedthecase，andexplaineditscontentstome。Itcertainlywasawonderfullycompletearrangement。Itcontainedalittlecaddyfulloftea，alittlebottleofmilk，aboxofsugar，abottleofmethylatedspirit，aboxofbutter，andatinofbiscuits：also，astove，akettle，ateapot，twocups，twosaucers，twoplates，twoknives，andtwospoons。Iftherehadonlybeenabedinit，oneneednothavebotheredabouthotelsatall。
YoungSmith，theSecretaryofourPhotographicClub，calledatninetoaskmetotakehimanegativeofthestatueofthedyingGladiatorintheMunichSculptureGallery。ItoldhimthatIshouldbedelightedtoobligehim，butthatIdidnotintendtotakemycamerawithme。
"Nottakeyourcamera！"hesaid。"YouaregoingtoGermany——toRhineland！Youaregoingtopassthroughsomeofthemostpicturesquescenery，andstayatsomeofthemostancientandfamoustownsofEurope，andaregoingtoleaveyourphotographicapparatusbehindyou，andyoucallyourselfanartist！"
HesaidIshouldneverregretathingmoreinmylifethangoingwithoutthatcamera。
Ithinkitisalwaysrighttotakeotherpeople’sadviceinmatterswheretheyknowmorethanyoudo。Itistheexperienceofthosewhohavegonebeforethatmakesthewaysmoothforthosewhofollow。
So，aftersupper，IgottogetherthethingsIhadbeenadvisedtotakewithme，andarrangedthemonthebed，addingafewarticlesI
hadthoughtofallbymyself。
Iputupplentyofwritingpaperandabottleofink，alongwithadictionaryandafewotherbooksofreference，incaseIshouldfeelinclinedtodoanyworkwhileIwasaway。Ialwaysliketobepreparedforwork;oneneverknowswhenonemayfeelinclinedforit。Sometimes，whenIhavebeenaway，andhaveforgottentobringanypaperandpensandinkwithme，Ihavefeltsoinclinedforwriting;andithasquiteupsetmethat，inconsequenceofnothavingbroughtanypaperandpensandinkwithme，Ihavebeenunabletositdownanddoalotofwork，buthavebeencompelled，instead，toloungeaboutalldaywithmyhandsinmypockets。
Accordingly，Ialwaystakeplentyofpaperandpensandinkwithmenow，whereverIgo，sothatwhenthedesireforworkcomestomeI
neednotcheckit。
Thatthiscravingforworkshouldhavetroubledmesooften，whenI
hadnopaper，pens，andinkbyme，andthatitnever，byanychance，visitsmenow，whenIamcarefultobeinapositiontogratifyit，isamatteroverwhichIhaveoftenpuzzled。
ButwhenitdoescomeIshallbereadyforit。
IalsoputonthebedafewvolumesofGoethe，becauseIthoughtitwouldbesopleasanttoreadhiminhisowncountry。AndIdecidedtotakeasponge，togetherwithasmallportablebath，becauseacoldbathissorefreshingthefirstthinginthemorning。
B。cameinjustasIhadgoteverythingintoapile。Hestaredatthebed，andaskedmewhatIwasdoing。ItoldhimIwaspacking。
"GreatHeavens！"heexclaimed。"Ithoughtyouweremoving！Whatdoyouthinkwearegoingtodo——campout？"
"No！"Ireplied。"ButthesearethethingsIhavebeenadvisedtotakewithme。Whatistheuseofpeoplegivingyouadviceifyoudon’ttakeit？"
Hesaid：
"Oh！takeasmuchadviceasyoulike;thatalwayscomesinusefultogiveaway。But，forgoodnesssake，don’tgetcarryingallthatstuffaboutwithyou。PeoplewilltakeusforGipsies。"
Isaid：
"Now，it’snouseyourtalkingnonsense。Halfthethingsonthisbedarelife-preservingthings。IfpeoplegointoGermanywithoutthesethings，theycomehomeanddie。"
AndIrelatedtohimwhatthedoctorandthevicarandtheotherpeoplehadtoldme，andexplainedtohimhowmylifedependeduponmytakingbrandyandblanketsandsunshadesandplentyofwarmclothingwithme。
Heisamanutterlyindifferenttodangerandrisk——incurredbyotherpeople——isB。Hesaid：
"Oh，rubbish！You’renotthesortthatcatchesacoldanddiesyoung。Youleavethatco-operativestoresofyoursathome，andpackupatooth-brush，acomb，apairofsocks，andashirt。That’sallyou’llwant。"
Ihavepackedmorethanthat，butnotmuch。Atallevents，Ihavegoteverythingintoonesmallbag。Ishouldliketohavetakenthatteaarrangement——itwouldhavedonesonicelytoplayatshopwithinthetrain！——butB。wouldnothearofit。
Ihopetheweatherdoesnotchange。
FRIDAY，23RD
EarlyRising。——BallastshouldbeStowedAwayintheHoldbeforePuttingtoSea。——AnnoyingInterferenceofProvidenceinMattersthatitDoesNotUnderstand。——ASocialisticSociety。——B。MisjudgesMe。——
AnUninterestingAnecdote。——WeLayinBallast。——AModerateSailor。——
APlayfulBoat。
Igotupveryearlythismorning。IdonotknowwhyIgotupearly。
Wedonotstarttilleighto’clockthisevening。ButIdon’tregretit——thegettingupearlyImean。Itisachange。Igoteverybodyelseuptoo，andweallhadbreakfastatseven。
Imadeaverygoodlunch。Oneofthoseseafaringmensaidtomeonce：
"Now，ifeveryouaregoingashortpassage，andareatallnervous，youlayinagoodload。It’sagoodloadintheholdwhatsteadiestheship。It’sthemhalf-emptycruisersasgoesa-rollin’anda-
pitchin’anda-heavin’allovertheplace，withtheirsternup’ardshalfthetime。Youlayinballast。"
Itseemedveryreasonableadvice。
AuntEmmacameintheafternoon。Shesaidshewassogladshehadcaughtme。SomethingtoldhertochangehermindandcomeonFridayinsteadofSaturday。ItwasProvidence，shesaid。
IwishProvidencewouldminditsownbusiness，andnotinterfereinmyaffairs：itdoesnotunderstandthem。
ShesayssheshallstoptillIcomeback，asshewantstoseemeagainbeforeshegoes。ItoldherImightnotbebackforamonth。
Shesaiditdidn’tmatter;shehadplentyoftime，andwouldwaitforme。
Thefamilyentreatmetohurryhome。
Iateaveryfairdinner——"laidinagoodstockofballast，"asmyseafaringfriendwouldhavesaid;wished"Good-bye！"toeverybody，andkissedAuntEmma;promisedtotakecareofmyself——apromisewhich，pleaseHeaven，Iwillfaithfullykeep，costmewhatitmay——
hailedacabandstarted。
IreachedVictoriasometimebeforeB。Isecuredtwocornerseatsinasmoking-carriage，andthenpacedupanddowntheplatformwaitingforhim。
Whenmenhavenothingelsetooccupytheirminds，theytaketothinking。HavingnothingbettertodountilB。arrived，Ifelltomusing。
WhatawonderfulpieceofSocialismmoderncivilisationhasbecome！——
nottheSocialismoftheso-calledSocialists——asystemmodelledapparentlyuponthemethodsoftheconvictprison——asystemunderwhicheachmiserablesinneristobecompelledtolabour，likeabeastofburden，fornopersonalbenefittohimself，butonlyforthegoodofthecommunity——aworldwheretherearetobenomen，butonlynumbers——wherethereistobenoambitionandnohopeandnofear，——buttheSocialismoffreemen，workingsidebysideinthecommonworkshop，eachoneforthewagetowhichhisskillandenergyentitlehim;theSocialismofresponsible，thinkingindividuals，notofState-directedautomata。
HerewasI，inexchangefortheresultofsomeofmylabour，goingtobetakenbySocietyforatreat，tothemiddleofEuropeandback。Railwaylineshadbeenlaidoverthewhole700or800milestofacilitatemyprogress;bridgeshadbeenbuilt，andtunnelsmade;
anarmyofengineers，andguards，andsignal-men，andporters，andclerkswerewaitingtotakechargeofme，andtoseetomycomfortandsafety。AllIhadtodowastotellSociety（hererepresentedbyarailwaybooking-clerk）whereIwantedtogo，andtostepintoacarriage;alltherestwouldbedoneforme。Booksandpapershadbeenwrittenandprinted;sothatifIwishedtobeguilethejourneybyreading，Icoulddoso。Atvariousplacesontheroute，thoughtfulSocietyhadtakencaretobereadyformewithallkindsofrefreshment（hersandwichesmightbealittlefresher，butmaybeshethinksnewbreadinjuriousforme）。WhenIamtiredoftravellingandwanttorest，IfindSocietywaitingformewithdinnerandacomfortablebed，withhotandcoldwatertowashinandtowelstowipeupon。WhereverIgo，whateverIneed，Society，liketheenslavedgeniiofsomeEasterntale，isreadyandanxioustohelpme，toserveme，todomybidding，togivemeenjoymentandpleasure。SocietywilltakemetoOber-Ammergau，willprovideforallmywantsontheway，and，whenIamthere，willshowmethePassionPlay，whichshehasarrangedandrehearsedandwillplayformyinstruction;willbringmebackanywayIliketocome，explaining，bymeansofherguide-booksandhistories，everythinguponthewaythatshethinkscaninterestme;will，whileIamabsent，carrymymessagestothoseIhaveleftbehindmeinEngland，andwillbringmetheirsinreturn;willlookaftermeandtakecareofmeandprotectmelikeamother——asnomotherevercould。
Allthatsheasksinreturnis，thatIshalldotheworkshehasgivenmetodo。Asamanworks，soSocietydealsbyhim。
TomeSocietysays："Yousitatyourdeskandwrite，thatisallI
wantyoutodo。Youarenotgoodformuch，butyoucanspinoutyardsofwhatyouandyourfriends，Isuppose，callliterature;andsomepeopleseemtoenjoyreadingit。Verywell：yousitthereandwritethisliterature，orwhateveritis，andkeepyourmindfixedonthat。Iwillseetoeverythingelseforyou。Iwillprovideyouwithwritingmaterials，andbooksofwitandhumour，andpasteandscissors，andeverythingelsethatmaybenecessarytoyouinyourtrade;andIwillfeedyouandclotheyouandlodgeyou，andIwilltakeyouabouttoplacesthatyouwishtogoto;andIwillseethatyouhaveplentyoftobaccoandallotherthingspracticablethatyoumaydesire——providedthatyouworkwell。Themoreworkyoudo，andthebetterworkyoudo，thebetterIshalllookafteryou。Youwrite——thatisallIwantyoutodo。"
"But，"IsaytoSociety，"Idon’tlikework;Idon’twanttowork。
WhyshouldIbeaslaveandwork？"
"Allright，"answersSociety，"don’twork。I’mnotforcingyou。
AllIsayis，thatifyoudon’tworkforme，Ishallnotworkforyou。Noworkfromyou，nodinnerfromme——noholidays，notobacco。"
AndIdecidetobeaslave，andwork。
Societyhasnonotionofpayingallmenequally。Hergreatobjectistoencouragebrain。Themanwhomerelyworksbyhismusclessheregardsasverylittlesuperiortothehorseortheox，andprovidesforhimjustalittlebetter。Butthemomenthebeginstousehishead，andfromthelabourerrisestotheartisan，shebeginstoraisehiswages。
Ofcoursehersisaveryimperfectmethodofencouragingthought。
Sheisoftheworld，andtakesaworldlystandardofcleverness。Totheshallow，showywriter，Ifear，shegenerallypaysfarmorethantothedeepandbrilliantthinker;andcleverrogueryseemsoftenmoretoherlikingthanhonestworth。Butherschemeisarightandsoundone;heraimsandintentionsareclear;hermethods，onthewhole，workfairlywell;andeveryyearshegrowsinjudgment。
Onedayshewillarriveatperfectwisdom，andwillpayeachmanaccordingtohisdeserts。
Butdonotbealarmed。Thiswillnothappeninourtime。
Turninground，whilestillmusingaboutSociety，IranagainstB。
（literally）。HethoughtIwasaclumsyassatfirst，andsaidso;
but，onrecognisingme，apologisedforhismistake。Hehadbeenthereforsometimealso，waitingforme。ItoldhimthatIhadsecuredtwocornerseatsinasmoking-carriage，andherepliedthathehaddonesotoo。Byacuriouscoincidence，wehadbothfixeduponthesamecarriage。Ihadtakenthecornerseatsneartheplatform，andhehadbookedthetwooppositecorners。Fourotherpassengerssathuddledupinthemiddle。Wekepttheseatsnearthedoor，andgavetheothertwoaway。Oneshouldalwayspractisegenerosity。
Therewasaverytalkativemaninourcarriage。Inevercameacrossamanwithsuchafundofutterlyuninterestinganecdotes。Hehadafriendwithhim——atallevents，themanwashisfriendwhentheystarted——andhetalkedtothisfriendincessantly，fromthemomentthetrainleftVictoriauntilitarrivedatDover。Firstofallhetoldhimalongstoryaboutadog。Therewasnopointinthestorywhatever。Itwassimplyabaldnarrativeofthedog’sdailydoings。
Thedoggotupinthemorningandbarkedatthedoor，andwhentheycamedownandopenedthedoortherehewas，andhestoppedalldayinthegarden;andwhenhiswife（notthedog’swife，thewifeofthemanwhowastellingthestory）wentoutintheafternoon，hewasasleeponthegrass，andtheybroughthimintothehouse，andheplayedwiththechildren，andintheeveninghesleptinthecoal-
shed，andnextmorningtherehewasagain。Andsoon，foraboutfortyminutes。
Averydearchumornearrelativeofthedog’smightdoubtlesshavefoundtheaccountenthralling;butwhatpossibleinterestastranger——amanwhoevidentlydidn’tevenknowthedog——couldbeexpectedtotakeinthereport，itwasdifficulttoconceive。
Thefriendatfirsttriedtofeelexcited，andmurmured：
"Wonderful！""Verystrange，indeed！""Howcurious！"andhelpedthetalealongbysuchejaculationsas，"No，didhethough？""Andwhatdidyoudothen？"or，"WasthatontheMondayortheTuesday，then？"
Butasthestoryprogressed，heappearedtotakeapositivedisliketothedog，andonlyyawnedeachtimethatitwasmentioned。
Indeed，towardstheend，Ithink，thoughItrustIammistaken，I
heardhimmutter，"Oh，damnthedog！"
Afterthedogstory，wethoughtweweregoingtohavealittlequiet。Butweweremistaken;for，withthesamebreathwithwhichhefinishedthedogrigmarole，ourtalkativecompanionadded：
"ButIcantellyouafunnierthingthanthat——"
Weallfeltwecouldbelievethatassertion。Ifhehadboastedthathecouldtelladuller，moreuninterestingstory，weshouldhavedoubtedhim;butthepossibilityofhisbeingabletorelatesomethingfunnier，wecouldreadilygrasp。
Butitwasnotabitfunnier，afterall。Itwasonlylongerandmoreinvolved。Itwasthehistoryofamanwhogrewhisowncelery;
andthen，lateron，itturnedoutthathiswifewastheniece，bythemother’sside，ofamanwhohadmadeanottomanoutofanoldpacking-case。
Thefriendglancedroundthecarriageapologeticallyaboutthemiddleofthisstory，withanexpressionthatsaid：
"I’mawfullysorry，gentlemen;butitreallyisnotmyfault。YouseethepositionI’min。Don’tblameme。Don’tmakeitworseformetobearthanitis。"
Andweeachrepliedwithpitying，sympatheticlooksthatimplied：
"That’sallright，mydearsir;don’tyoufretaboutthat。Weseehowitis。Weonlywishwecoulddosomethingtohelpyou。"
Thepoorfellowseemedhappierandmoreresignedafterthat。
B。andIhurriedonboardatDover，andwerejustintimetosecurethelasttwoberthsintheboat;andweweregladthatwehadmanagedtodothisbecauseourideawasthatweshould，afteragoodsupper，turninandgocomfortablytosleep。
B。said：
"WhatIliketodo，duringaseapassage，istogotosleep，andthenwakeupandfindthatIamthere。"
Wemadeaverycreditablesupper。IexplainedtoB。theballastprincipleheldbymyseafaringfriend，andheagreedwithmethattheideaseemedreasonable;and，astherewasafixedpriceforsupper，andyouhadasmuchasyouliked，wedeterminedtogivetheplanafairtrial。
B。leftmeaftersuppersomewhatabruptly，asitappearedtome，andItookastrollondeckbymyself。Ididnotfeelverycomfortable。
IamwhatIcallamoderatesailor。Idonotgotoexcessineitherdirection。Onordinaryoccasions，Icanswaggeraboutandsmokemypipe，andlieaboutmyChannelexperienceswiththebestofthem。
Butwhenthereiswhatthecaptaincalls"abitofaseaon，"Ifeelsad，andtrytogetawayfromthesmelloftheenginesandtheproximityofpeoplewhosmokegreencigars。
TherewasamansmokingapeculiarlymellowandunctuouscigarondeckwhenIgotthere。Idon’tbelievehesmokeditbecauseheenjoyedit。Hedidnotlookasifheenjoyedit。Ibelievehesmokeditmerelytoshowhowwellhewasfeeling，andtoirritatepeoplewhowerenotfeelingverywell。
Thereissomethingveryblatantlyoffensiveaboutthemanwhofeelswellonboardaboat。
Iamveryobjectionablemyself，Iknow，whenIamfeelingallright。
ItisnotenoughformethatIamnotill。IwanteverybodytoseethatIamnotill。ItseemstomethatIamwastingmyselfifI
don’tleteveryhumanbeinginthevesselknowthatIamnotill。I
cannotsitstillandbethankful，likeyou’dimagineasensiblemanwould。Iwalkabouttheship——smoking，ofcourse——andlookatpeoplewhoarenotwellwithmildbutpityingsurprise，asifI
wonderedwhatitwaslikeandhowtheydidit。Itisveryfoolishofme，Iknow，butIcannothelpit。Isupposeitisthehumannaturethatexistsineventhebestofusthatmakesusactlikethis。
Icouldnotgetawayfromthisman’scigar;orwhenIdid，Icamewithinrangeoftheperfumefromtheengine-room，andfeltIwantedtogobacktothecigar。Thereseemedtobenoneutralgroundbetweenthetwo。
IfithadnotbeenthatIhadpaidforsaloon，Ishouldhavegonefore。Itwasmuchfresherthere，andIshouldhavebeenmuchhappiertherealtogether。ButIwasnotgoingtopayforfirst-
classandthenridethird——thatwasnotbusiness。No，Iwouldsticktotheswaggerpartoftheship，andfeelaristocraticandsick。
Amate，oraboatswain，oranadmiral，oroneofthosesortofpeople——Icouldnotbesure，inthedarkness，whichitwas——cameuptomeasIwasleaningwithmyheadagainstthepaddle-box，andaskedmewhatIthoughtoftheship。Hesaidshewasanewboat，andthatthiswasherfirstvoyage。
IsaidIhopedshewouldgetabitsteadierasshegrewolder。
Hereplied："Yes，sheisabitskittishto-night。"
Whatitseemedtomewas，thattheshipwouldtrytoliedownandgotosleeponherrightside;andthen，beforeshehadgiventhatpositionafairtrial，wouldsuddenlychangehermind，andthinkshecoulddoitbetteronherleft。Atthemomentthemancameuptomeshewastryingtostandonherhead;andbeforehehadfinishedspeakingshehadgivenupthisattempt，inwhich，however，shehadverynearlysucceeded，andhad，apparently，decidedtonowplayatgettingoutofthewateraltogether。
Andthisiswhathecalledbeinga"bitskittish！"
Seafaringpeopletalklikethis，becausetheyaresilly，anddonotknowanybetter。Itisnousebeingangrywiththem。
Igotalittlesleepatlast。NotinthebunkIhadbeenatsuchpainstosecure：Iwouldnothavestoppeddowninthatstuffysaloon，ifanybodyhadofferedmeahundredpoundsfordoingso。
Notthatanybodydid;northatanybodyseemedtowantmethereatall。Igatheredthisfromthefactthatthefirstthingthatmetmyeye，afterIhadsucceededinclawingmywaydown，wasaboot。Theairwasfullofboots。Thereweresixtymensleepingthere——or，asregardsthemajority，IshouldsayTRYINGtosleepthere——someinbunks，someontables，andsomeundertables。OnemanWASasleep，andwassnoringlikeahippopotamus——likeahippopotamusthathadcaughtacold，andwashoarse;andtheotherfifty-nineweresittingup，throwingtheirbootsathim。Itwasasnore，verydifficulttolocate。Fromwhichparticularberth，inthatdimly-lighted，evil-
smellingplace，itproceedednobodywasquitesure。Atonemoment，itappearedtocome，wailingandsobbing，fromthelarboard，andthenextinstantitthunderedforth，seeminglyfromthestarboard。Soeverymanwhocouldreachabootpickeditup，andthrewitpromiscuously，silentlyprayingtoProvidence，ashedidso，toguideitarightandbringitsafetoitsdesiredhaven。
Iwatchedtheweirdsceneforaminuteortwo，andthenIhauledmyselfondeckagain，andsatdown——andwenttosleeponacoilofrope;andwasawakened，inthecourseoftime，byasailorwhowantedthatcoilofropetothrowattheheadofamanwhowasstanding，doingnoharmtoanybody，onthequayatOstend。
SATURDAY，24TH
ArrivalatOstend。——CoffeeandRolls。——DifficultyofMakingFrenchWaitersunderstandGerman。——AdvantagesofPossessingaConscienceThatDoesNotGetUpTooEarly。——VillainyTriumphant。——VirtueOrderedOutside。——AHomelyEnglishRow。
WhenIsayIwas"awakened"atOstend，Idonotspeakthestricttruth。Iwasnotawakened——notproperly。Iwasonlyhalf-awakened。
Ineverdidgetfairlyawakeuntiltheafternoon。DuringthejourneyfromOstendtoCologneIwasthree-partsasleepandone-partpartiallyawake。
AtOstend，however，Iwassufficientlyarousedtograsptheideathatwehadgotsomewhere，andthatImustfindmyluggageandB。，anddosomethingorother;inadditiontowhich，astrange，vagueinstinct，butonewhichIhaveneveryetknowndeceiveme，hoveringaboutmymind，andtellingmethatIwasintheneighbourhoodofsomethingtoeatanddrink，spurredmetovigourandaction。
IhurrieddownintothesaloonandtherefoundB。Heexcusedhimselfforhavingleftmealoneallnight——heneednothavetroubledhimself。Ihadnotpinedforhimintheleast。IftheonlywomanIhadeverlovedhadbeenonboard，Ishouldhavesatsilent，andletanyotherfellowtalktoherthatwantedto，andthatfeltequaltoit——byexplainingthathehadmetafriendandthattheyhadbeentalking。Itappearedtohavebeenatryingconversation。
Ialsoranagainstthetalkativemanandhiscompanion。SuchacompletewreckofaoncestrongmanasthelatterlookedIhaveneverbeforeseen。Meresea-sickness，howeversevere，couldneverhaveaccountedforthechangeinhisappearancesince，happyandhopeful，heenteredtherailway-carriageatVictoriasixshorthoursago。Hisfriend，ontheotherhand，appearedfreshandcheerful，andwasrelatingananecdoteaboutacow。
WetookourbagsintotheCustomHouseandopenedthem，andIsatdownonmine，andimmediatelywenttosleep。
WhenIawoke，somebodywhomImistookatfirstforaField-Marshal，andfromforceofhabit——Iwasonceavolunteer——saluted，wasstandingoverme，pointingmelodramaticallyatmybag。IassuredhiminpicturesqueGermanthatIhadnothingtodeclare。Hedidnotappeartocomprehendme，whichstruckmeascurious，andtookthebagawayfromme，whichleftmenothingtosituponbutthefloor。
ButIfelttoosleepytobeindignant。
Afterourluggagehadbeenexamined，wewentintothebuffet。Myinstincthadnotmisledme：thereIfoundhotcoffee，androllsandbutter。Iorderedtwocoffeeswithmilk，somebread，andsomebutter。IorderedtheminthebestGermanIknew。Asnobodyunderstoodme，Iwentandgotthethingsformyself。Itsavesadealofargument，thatmethod。Peopleseemtoknowwhatyoumeaninamomentthen。
B。suggestedthatwhilewewereinBelgium，whereeverybodyspokeFrench，whileveryfewindeedknewGerman，IshouldstandabetterchanceofbeingunderstoodifItalkedlessGermanandmoreFrench。
Hesaid：
"Itwillbeeasierforyou，andlessofastrainuponthenatives。
YousticktoFrench，"hecontinued，"aslongaseveryoucan。YouwillgetalongmuchbetterwithFrench。Youwillcomeacrosspeoplenowandthen——smart，intelligentpeople——whowillpartiallyunderstandyourFrench，butnohumanbeing，exceptathought-reader，willeverobtainanyglimmeringofwhatyoumeanfromyourGerman。"
"Oh，areweinBelgium，"Irepliedsleepily;"IthoughtwewereinGermany。Ididn’tknow。"Andthen，inaburstofconfidence，I
added，feelingthatfurtherdeceitwasuseless，"Idon’tknowwhereIam，youknow。"
"No，Ithoughtyoudidn’t，"hereplied。"Thatisexactlytheideayougiveanybody。Iwishyou’dwakeupabit。"
WewaitedaboutanhouratOstend，whileourtrainwasmadeup。
TherewasonlyonecarriagelabelledforCologne，andfourmorepassengerswantedtogotherethanthecompartmentwouldhold。
Notbeingawareofthis，B。andImadenohastetosecureplaces，and，inconsequence，when，havingfinishedourcoffee，weleisurelystrolledupandopenedthecarriagedoorwesawthateveryseatwasalreadybooked。Abagwasinonespaceandaruginanother，anumbrellabookedathird，andsoon。Nobodywasthere，buttheseatsweregone！
Itistheunwrittenlawamongtravellersthataman’sluggagedepositeduponaseat，shallsecurethatseattohimuntilhecomestosituponithimself。Thisisagoodlawandajustlaw，andonethat，inmynormalstate，Imyselfwoulddietoupholdandmaintain。
Butatthreeo’clockonachillymorningone’smoralsensibilitiesarenotproperlydeveloped。Theaverageman’sconsciencedoesnotbeginworktilleightornineo’clock——nottillafterbreakfast，infact。Atthreea。m。hewilldothingsthatatthreeintheafternoonhissoulwouldrevoltat。
UnderordinarycircumstancesIshouldassoonhavethoughtofshiftingaman’sbagandappropriatinghisseatasanancientHebrewsquatterwouldhavethoughtofremovinghisneighbour’slandmark;
butatthistimeinthemorningmybetternaturewasasleep。
Ihaveoftenreadofaman’sbetternaturebeingsuddenlyawakened。
Thebusinessisgenerallyaccomplishedbyanorgan-grinderoralittlechild（Iwouldbackthelatter，atallevents——giveitafairchance——toawakenanythinginthisworldthatwasnotstonedeaf，orthathadnotbeendeadformorethantwenty-fourhours）;andifanorgan-grinderoralittlechildhadbeenaroundOstendstationthatmorning，thingsmighthavebeendifferent。
B。andImighthavebeensavedfromcrime。Justaswewereinthemiddleofourvillainy，theorgan-grinderorthechildwouldhavestruckup，andweshouldhaveburstintotears，andhaverushedfromthecarriage，andhavefallenuponeachother’snecksoutsideontheplatform，andhavewept，andwaitedforthenexttrain。
Asitwas，afterlookingcarefullyroundtoseethatnobodywaswatchingus，weslippedquicklyintothecarriage，and，makingroomforourselvesamongtheluggagethere，satdownandtriedtolookinnocentandeasy。
B。saidthatthebestthingwecoulddo，whentheotherpeoplecame，wouldbetopretendtobedeadasleep，andtoostupidtounderstandanything。
IrepliedthatasfarasIwasconcerned，IthoughtIcouldconveythedesiredimpressionwithoutstoopingtodeceitatall，andpreparedtomakemyselfcomfortable。
Afewsecondslateranothermangotintothecarriage。Healsomaderoomforhimselfamongtheluggageandsatdown。
"Iamafraidthatseat’staken，sir，"saidB。whenhehadrecoveredhissurpriseattheman’scoolness。"Infact，alltheseatsinthiscarriagearetaken。"
"Ican’thelpthat，"repliedtheruffian，cynically。"I’vegottogettoColognesometimeto-day，andthereseemsnootherwayofdoingitthatIcansee。"
"Yes，butsohasthegentlemanwhoseseatyouhavetakengottogetthere，"Iremonstrated;"whatabouthim？Youarethinkingonlyofyourself！"
Mysenseofrightandjusticewasbeginningtoassertitself，andI
feltquiteindignantwiththefellow。Twominutesago，asIhaveexplained，Icouldcontemplatethetakingofanotherman’sseatwithequanimity。Now，suchanactseemedtomeshameful。Thetruthisthatmybetternatureneversleepsforlong。Leaveitaloneanditwakensofitsownaccord。Heavenhelpme！Iamasinful，worldlyman，Iknow;butthereisgoodatthebottomofme。Itwantshaulingup，butit’sthere。
Thismanhadarousedit。Inowsawthesinfulnessoftakinganotherpassenger’splaceinarailway-carriage。
ButIcouldnotmaketheothermanseeit。IfeltthatsomeservicewasduefrommetoJustice，incompensationofthewrongIhaddoneherafewmomentsago，andIarguedmosteloquently。
Myrhetoricwas，however，quitethrownaway。"Oh！it’sonlyavice-
consul，"hesaid;"here’shisnameonthebag。There’splentyofroomforhiminwiththeguard。"
ItwasnousemydefendingthesacredcauseofRightbeforeamanwhoheldsentimentslikethat;so，havinglodgedaprotestagainsthisbehaviour，andthuseasedmyconscience，Ileantbackanddozedthedozeofthejust。
Fiveminutesbeforethetrainstarted，therightfulownersofthecarriagecameupandcrowdedin。Theyseemedsurprisedatfindingonlyfivevacantseatsavailablebetweensevenofthem，andcommencedtoquarrelvigorouslyamongthemselves。
B。andIandtheunjustmaninthecornertriedtocalmthem，butpassionrantoohighatfirstforthevoiceofReasontobeheard。
Eachcombinationoffive，possibleamongthem，accusedeachremainingtwoofendeavouringtoobtainseatsbyfraud，andeachonemorethanhintedthattheothersixwereliars。
WhatannoyedmewasthattheyquarrelledinEnglish。Theyallhadlanguagesoftheirown，——therewerefourBelgians，twoFrenchmen，andaGerman，——butnolanguagewasgoodenoughforthemtoinsulteachotherinbutEnglish。
Findingthatthereseemedtobenochanceoftheireveragreeingamongthemselves，theyappealedtous。Weunhesitatinglydecidedinfavourofthefivethinnest，who，thereupon，evidentlyregardingthematterasfinallysettled，satdown，andtoldtheothertwotogetout。
Thesetwostoutones，however——theGermanandoneoftheBelgians——
seemedinclinedtodisputetheaward，andcalledupthestation-
master。
Thestation-masterdidnotwaittolistentowhattheyhadtosay，butatoncebeganabusingthemforbeinginthecarriageatall。Hetoldthemtheyoughttobeashamedofthemselvesforforcingtheirwayintoacompartmentthatwasalreadymorethanfull，andinconveniencingthepeoplealreadythere。
HealsousedEnglishtoexplainthistothem，andtheygotoutontheplatformandansweredhimbackinEnglish。
Englishseemstobethepopularlanguageforquarrellingin，amongforeigners。Isupposetheyfinditmoreexpressive。
Weallwatchedthegroupfromthewindow。Wewereamusedandinterested。Inthemiddleoftheargumentanearlygendarmearrivedonthescene。Thegendarmenaturallysupportedthestation-master。
Onemaninuniformalwayssupportsanothermaninuniform，nomatterwhattherowisabout，orwhomaybeintheright——thatdoesnottroublehim。Itisafixedtenetofbeliefamonguniformcirclesthatauniformcandonowrong。Ifburglarsworeuniform，thepolicewouldbeinstructedtorenderthemeveryassistanceintheirpower，andtotakeintocustodyanyhouseholderattemptingtointerferewiththemintheexecutionoftheirbusiness。Thegendarmeassistedthestation-mastertoabusethetwostoutpassengers，andhealsoabusedtheminEnglish。ItwasnotgoodEnglishinanysenseoftheword。ThemanwouldprobablyhavebeenabletogivehisfeelingsmuchgreatervarietyandplayinFrenchorFlemish，butthatwasnothisobject。Hisambition，likeeveryotherforeigner’s，wastobecomeanaccomplishedEnglishquarreller，andthiswaspracticeforhim。
ACustomsHouseclerkcameoutandjoinedinthebabel。Hetookthepartofthepassengers，andabusedthestation-masterandthegendarme，andHEabusedTHEMinEnglish。
B。saidhethoughtitverypleasanthere，farfromournativeshores，inthelandofthestranger，tocomeacrossalittlehomelyEnglishrowlikethis。
SATURDAY，24TH——CONTINUED
AManofFamily。——AnEccentricTrain。——OutrageonanEnglishman。——
AloneinEurope。——DifficultyofMakingGermanWaitersUnderstandScandinavian。——DangerofKnowingTooManyLanguages。——AWearisomeJourney。——Cologne，Ahoy！
Therewasaverywell-informedBelgianinthecarriage，andhetoldussomethinginterestingaboutnearlyeverytownthroughwhichwepassed。IfeltthatifIcouldhavekeptawake，andhavelistenedtothatman，andrememberedwhathesaid，andnotmixedthingsup，I
shouldhavelearntagooddealaboutthecountrybetweenOstendandCologne。
Hehadrelationsinnearlyeverytown，hadthisman。Isupposetherehavebeen，andare，familiesaslargeandasextensiveashis;
butIneverheardofanyotherfamilythatmadesuchashow。Theyseemedtohavebeenplantedoutwithgreatjudgment，andwerenowalloverthecountry。EverytimeIawoke，Icaughtsomesuchscatteredremarkas：
"Bruges——youcanseethebelfryfromthisside——playsapolkabyHaydneveryhour。Myauntliveshere。""Ghent——HoteldeVille，somesayfinestspecimenofGothicarchitectureinEurope——wheremymotherlives。Youcouldseethehouseifthatchurchwasn’tthere。"
"JustpassedAlost——greathopcentre。Mygrandfatherusedtolivethere;he’sdeadnow。""There’stheRoyalchateau——here，justonthisside。Mysisterismarriedtoamanwholivesthere——notinthepalace，Idon’tmean，butinLaeken。""That’sthedomeofthePalaisdeJustice——theycallBrussels’Parisinlittle’——IlikeitbetterthanParis，myself——notsocrowded。IliveinBrussels。"
"Louvain——there’sVandeWeyer’sstatue，the1830revolutionist。Mywife’smotherlivesinLouvain。Shewantsustocomeandlivethere。ShesayswearetoofarawayfromheratBrussels，butI
don’tthinkso。""Leige——seethecitadel？GotsomecousinsatLeige——onlysecondones。MostofmyfirstonesliveatMaestricht";
andsoonallthewaytoCologne。
Idonotbelievewepassedasingletownorvillagethatdidnotpossessoneormorespecimensofthisman’srelatives。Ourjourneyseemed，notsomuchlikeatourthroughBelgiumandpartofNorthernGermany，asavisittotheneighbourhoodwherethisman’sfamilyresided。
IwascarefultotakeaseatfacingtheengineatOstend。Iprefertotravelthatway。ButwhenIawokealittlelateron，Ifoundmyselfgoingbackwards。
Inaturallyfeltindignant。Isaid：
"Who’sputmeoverhere？Iwasoverthere，youknow。You’venorighttodothat！"
Theyassuredme，however，thatnobodyhadshiftedme，butthatthetrainhadturnedroundatGhent。
Iwasannoyedatthis。Itseemedtomeameantrickforatraintostartoffinonedirection，andthuslureyouintotakingyourseat（orsomebodyelse’sseat，asthecasemightbe）undertheimpressionthatyouweregoingtotravelthatway，andthen，afterwards，turnroundandgotheotherway。Ifeltverydoubtful，inmyownmind，astowhetherthetrainknewwhereitwasgoingatall。
AtBrusselswegotoutandhadsomemorecoffeeandrolls。IforgetwhatlanguageItalkedatBrussels，butnobodyunderstoodme。WhenInextawoke，afterleavingBrussels，Ifoundmyselfgoingforwardsagain。Theenginehadapparentlychangeditsmindforthesecondtime，andwaspullingthecarriagestheotherwaynow。Ibegantogetthoroughlyalarmed。Thistrainwassimplydoingwhatitliked。
Therewasnoreliancetobeplaceduponitwhatever。Thenextthingitwoulddowouldbetogosideways。ItseemedtomethatIoughttogetupandseeintothismatter;but，whileponderingthebusiness，Ifellasleepagain。
IwasverysleepyindeedwhentheyroutedusoutatHerbesthal，toexamineourluggageforGermany。IhadavagueideathatweweretravellinginTurkey，andhadbeenstoppedbybrigands。Whentheytoldmetoopenmybag，Isaid，"Never！"andremarkedthatIwasanEnglishman，andthattheyhadbetterbecareful。Ialsotoldthemthattheycoulddismissanyideaofransomfromtheirmindsatonce，unlesstheywerepreparedtotakeI。O。U。’s，asitwasagainsttheprinciplesofourfamilytopaycashforanything——certainlynotforrelatives。
Theytooknonoticeofmywarning，andcaughtholdofmyGladstone。
Iresistedfeebly，butwasover-powered，andwenttosleepagain。
Onawakening，Idiscoveredmyselfinthebuffet。Ihavenorecollectionofgoingthere。Myinstinctmusthaveguidedmethereduringmysleep。
Iorderedmyusualrepastofcoffeeandrolls。（Imusthavebeenfullofcoffeeandrollsbythistime。）IhadgottheideaintomyheadnowthatIwasinNorway，andsoIorderedtheminbrokenScandinavian，afewwordsofwhichIhadpickedupduringatripthroughthefiordslastsummer。
Ofcourse，themandidnotunderstand;butIamaccustomedtowitnessingtheconfusionofforeignerswhenaddressedintheirnativetongue，andsoforgavehim——especiallyas，thevictualsbeingwellwithinreach，languagewasamatterofsecondaryimportance。
Itooktwocupsofcoffee，asusual——oneforB。，andoneformyself——
and，bringingthemtothetable，lookedroundforB。Icouldnotseehimanywhere。Whathadbecomeofhim？Ihadnotseenhim，thatIcouldrecollect，forhours。IdidnotknowwhereIwas，orwhatI
wasdoing。IhadahazyknowledgethatB。andIhadstartedofftogether——whetheryesterdayorsixmonthsago，Icouldnothavesaidtosavemylife——withtheintention，ifIwasnotmistaken，ofgoingsomewhereandseeingsomething。Wewerenowsomewhereabroad——
somewhereinNorwaywasmyidea;thoughwhyIhadfixedonNorwayisamysterytometothisday——andIhadlosthim！
Howonearthwereweevertofindeachotheragain？AhorriblepicturepresenteditselftomymindofourbothwanderingdistractedlyupanddownEurope，perhapsforyears，vainlyseekingeachother。ThetouchingstoryofEvangelinerecurredtomewithterriblevividness。
Somethingmustbedone，andthatimmediately。SomehoworanotherI
mustfindB。Irousedmyself，andsummonedtomyaideverywordofScandinavianthatIknew。
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