"Itisastonishing，"musedtheChristian，"howviolentandhowgeneralarereligiousanimosities。Everywhereintheworldthedevoteesofeachlocalfaithabhorthedevoteesofeveryother，andabstainfrommurderonlysolongastheydarenotcommitit。Andthestrangestthingaboutitisthatallreligionsareerroneousandmischievousexceptingmine。Mine，thankGod，istrueandbenign。"
SosayinghevisiblysmuggedandwentofftotelegraphforabrigadeofcutthroatstoprotectChristianinterests。
ThePenitentElectorAPERSONbelongingtotheSocietyforPassingResolutionsofRespectfortheMemoryofDeceasedMembershavingdiedreceivedthecustomaryattention。
"GoodHeavens!"exclaimedaSovereignElector，onhearingtheresolutionsread，"whatalosstothenation!AndtothinkthatI
oncevotedagainstthatangelforInspectorofGate—latchesinPublicSquares!"
InremorsetheSovereignElectordeprivedhimselfofpoliticalinfluencebylearningtoread。
TheTailoftheSphinxADOGofataciturndispositionsaidtohisTail：
"WheneverIamangry，youriseandbristle；whenIampleased，youwag；whenIamalarmed，youtuckyourselfinoutofdanger。Youaretoomercurial—youdiscloseallmyemotions。Mynotionisthattailsaregiventoconcealthought。ItismydearestambitiontobeasimpassiveastheSphinx。"
"Myfriend，youmustrecognisethelawsandlimitationsofyourbeing，"repliedtheTail，withflexionsappropriatetothesentimentsuttered，"andtrytobegreatsomeotherway。TheSphinxhasonehundredandfiftyqualificationsforimpassivenesswhichyoulack。"
"Whatarethey？"theDogasked。
"Onehundredandforty—ninetonsofsandonhertail。"
"And—？"
"Astonetail。"
AProphetofEvilANUndertakerWhoWasaMemberofaTrustsawaManLeaningonaSpade，andaskedhimwhyhewasnotatwork。
"Because，"saidtheManLeaningonaSpade，"IbelongtotheGravediggers’NationalExtortionSociety，andwehavedecidedtolimittheproductionofgravesandgetmoremoneyforthereducedoutput。Wehaveacorneringravesandproposetoworkittothebestadvantage。"
"Myfriend，"saidtheUndertakerWhoWasaMemberofaTrust，"thisisamosthatefulandinjuriousscheme。Ifpeoplecannotbeassuredofgraves，Ifeartheywillnolongerdie，andthebestinterestsofcivilisationwillwitherlikeafrostedleaf。"
Andblowinghiseyesuponhishandkerchief，hewalkedawaylamenting。
TheCrewoftheLife—boatTHEGallantCrewatalife—savingstationwereabouttolaunchtheirlife—boatforaspinalongthecoastwhentheydiscovered，butalittledistanceaway，acapsizedvesselwithadozenmenclingingtoherkeel。
"Wearefortunate，"saidtheGallantCrew，"tohaveseenthatintime。Ourfatemighthavebeenthesameastheirs。"
Sotheyhauledthelife—boatbackintoitshouse，andweresparedtotheserviceoftheircountry。
ATreatyofPeaceTHROUGHmassacresofeachother’scitizensChinaandtheUnitedStateshadbeenfourtimesplungedintodevastatingwars，when，intheyear1994，aroseaPhilosopherinMadagascar，wholaidbeforetheGovernmentsofthetwodistractedcountriesthefollowingMODUS
VIVENDI：
"Massacresaretobesternlyforbiddenasheretofore；butanycitizenorsubjectofeithercountrydisobeyingtheinjunctionistodetachthescalpsofallpersonsmassacredanddepositthemwithalocalofficerdesignatedtoreceiveandpreservethemandsworntokeepandrenderatrueaccountthereof。Attheconclusionofeachmassacreineithercountry，orassoonthereafteraspracticable，oratstatedregularperiods，asmaybeprovidedbytreaty，thereshallbeanexchangeofscalpsbetweenthetwoGovernments，scalpforscalp，withoutregardtosexorage；theGovernmenthavingthegreatestnumberistobetaxedontheexcessattherateof$1000ascalp，andtheotherGovernmentcreditedwiththeamount。Onceineverydecadethereshallbeageneralsettlement，whenthebalancedueshallbepaidtothecreditornationinMexicandollars。"
Theplanwasadopted，thenecessarytreatymade，withlegislationtocarryoutitsprovisions；theMadagascarenePhilosophertookhisseatintheTempleofImmortality，andPeacespreadherwhitewingsoverthetwonations，totheunspeakabledefilingofherplumage。
TheNightsideofCharacterAGIFTEDandHonourableEditor，whobypracticeofhisprofessionhadacquiredwealthanddistinction，appliedtoanOldFriendforthehandofhisdaughterinmarriage。
"Withallmyheart，andGodblessyou!"saidtheOldFriend，graspinghimbybothhands。"ItisagreaterhonourthanIhaddaredtohopefor。"
"Iknewwhatyouranswerwouldbe，"repliedtheGiftedandHonourableEditor。"Andyet，"headded，withaslysmile，"IfeelthatIoughttogiveyouasmuchknowledgeofmycharacterasI
possess。Inthisscrap—bookissuchtestimonyrelatingtomyshadyside，asIhavewithinthepasttenyearsbeenabletocutfromthecolumnsofmycompetitorsinthebusinessofelevatinghumanitytoahigherplaneofmindandmorals—my’loathsomecontemporaries。’"
Layingthebookonatable，hewithdrewinhighspiritstomakearrangementsforthewedding。Threedayslaterhereceivedthescrap—bookfromamessenger，withanotewarninghimneveragaintodarkenhisOldFriend’sdoor。
"See!"theGiftedandHonourableEditorexclaimed，pointingtothatinjunction—"Iamapainterandgrainer!"
AndhewasledawaytotheAsylumfortheIndiscreet。
TheFaithfulCashierTHECashierofabankhavingdefaultedwasaskedbytheDirectorswhathehaddonewiththemoneytaken。
"Iamgreatlysurprisedbysuchaquestion，"saidtheCashier；"itsoundsasifyoususpectedmeofselfishness。Gentlemen，IappliedthatmoneytothepurposeforwhichItookit；Ipaiditasaninitiationfeeandoneyear’sduesinadvancetotheTreasureroftheCashiers’MutualDefenceAssociation。"
"Whatistheobjectofthatorganisation？"theDirectorsinquired。
"Whenanyoneofitsmembersisundersuspicion，"repliedtheCashier，"theAssociationundertakestoclearhischaracterbysubmittingevidencethathewasneveraprominentmemberofanychurch，norforemostinSunday—schoolwork。"
Recognisingthevaluetothebankofaspotlessreputationforitsofficers，thePresidentdrewhischeckfortheamountoftheshortageandtheCashierwasrestoredtofavour。
TheCircularClewADETECTIVEsearchingforthemurdererofadeadmanwasaccostedbyaClew。
"Followme，"saidtheClew，"andthere’snoknowingwhatyoumaydiscover。"
SotheDetectivefollowedtheClewawholeyearthroughathousandsinuosities，andatlastfoundhimselfintheofficeoftheMorgue。
"There!"saidtheClew，pointingtotheopenregister。
TheDetectiveeagerlyscannedthepage，andfoundanofficialstatementthatthedeceasedwasdead。ThereuponhehastenedtoPoliceHeadquarterstoreportprogress。TheClew，meanwhile，saunteredamongthebusyhauntsofmen，arminarmwithanIngeniousTheory。"
TheDevotedWidowAWIDOWweepingonherhusband’sgravewasapproachedbyanEngagingGentlemanwho，inarespectfulmanner，assuredherthathehadlongentertainedforherthemosttenderfeelings。
"Wretch!"criedtheWidow。"Leavemethisinstant!Isthisatimetotalktomeoflove？"
"Iassureyou，madam，thatIhadnotintendedtodisclosemyaffection，"theEngagingGentlemanhumblyexplained，"butthepowerofyourbeautyhasovercomemydiscretion。"
"YoushouldseemewhenIhavenotbeencrying，"saidtheWidow。
TheHardyPatriotsADISPENSER—ELECTofPatronagegavenoticethroughthenewspapersthatapplicantsforplaceswouldbegivennoneuntilheshouldassumethedutiesofhisoffice。
"Youareexposingyourselftoagravedanger，"saidaLawyer。
"Howso？"theDispenser—Electinquired。
"Itwillbenearlytwomonths，"theLawyeranswered，"beforethedaythatyoumention。Fewpatriotscanlivesolongwithouteating，andsomeoftheapplicantswillbecompelledtogotoworkinthemeantime。Ifthatkillsthem，youwillbeliabletoprosecutionformurder。"
"Youunderratetheirpowersofendurance，"theofficialreplied。
"What!"saidtheLawyer，"youthinktheycanstandwork？"
"No，"saidtheother—"hunger。"
TheHumblePeasantANOfficeSeekerwhomthePresidenthadorderedoutofWashingtonwaswateringthehomewardhighwaywithhistears。
"Ah，"hesaid，"howdisastrousisambition!howunsatisfyingitsrewards!howterribleitsdisappointments!Beholdyonderpeasanttillinghisfieldinpeaceandcontentment!Heriseswiththelark，passesthedayinwholesometoil，andliesdownatnighttopleasantdreams。Inthemadstruggleforplaceandpowerhehasnopart；theroarofthestrifereacheshisearlikethedistantmurmuroftheocean。Happy，thricehappyman!Iwillapproachhimandbaskinthesunshineofhishumblefelicity。Peasant，allhail!"
Leaninguponhisrake，thePeasantreturnedthesalutationwithanod，butsaidnothing。
"Myfriend，"saidtheOfficeSeeker，"youseebeforeyouthewreckofanambitiousman—ruinedbythepursuitofplaceandpower。
ThismorningwhenIsetoutfromthenationalcapital—"
"Stranger，"thePeasantinterrupted，"ifyou’regoingbacktheresoonmaybeyouwouldn’tmindusingyourinfluencetomakemePostmasteratSmith’sCorners。"
Thetravellerpassedon。
TheVariousDelegationTHEKingofWideouthavingbeenofferedthesovereigntyofWayoff，sentfortheThreePersonswhohadmadetheoffer，andsaidtothem：
"Iamextremelyobligedtoyou，butbeforeacceptingsogreataresponsibilityImustascertainthesentimentsofthepeopleofWayoff。"
"Sire，"saidtheSpokesmanoftheThreePersons，"theystandbeforeyou。"
"Indeed!"saidtheKing；"areyou，then，thepeopleofWayoff？"
"Yes，yourMajesty。"
"Therearenotmanyofyou，"theKingsaid，attentivelyregardingthemwiththeroyaleye，"andyouarenotsoverylarge；Ihardlythinkyouareaquorum。Moreover，Ineverheardofyouuntilyoucamehere；whereasWayoffisnotedforthequalityofitsporkandcontainshogsofdistinction。IshallsendaCommissionertoascertainthesentimentsofthehogs。"
TheThreePersons，bowingprofoundly，backedoutofthepresence；
butsoonafterwardtheydesiredanotheraudience，and，onbeingreadmitted，said，throughtheirSpokesman：
"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，wearethehogs。"
TheNoCaseASTATESMANwhohadbeenindictedbyanunfeelingGrandJurywasarrestedbyaSheriffandthrownintojail。Asthiswasabhorrenttohisfinespiritualnature，hesentfortheDistrictAttorneyandaskedthatthecaseagainsthimbedismissed。
"Uponwhatgrounds？"askedtheDistrictAttorney。
"Lackofevidencetoconvict，"repliedtheaccused。
"Doyouhappentohavethelackwithyou？"theofficialasked。"I
shouldliketoseeit。"
"Withpleasure，"saidtheother；"hereitis。"
Sosayinghehandedtheotheracheck，whichtheDistrictAttorneycarefullyexamined，andthenpronounceditthemostcompleteabsenceofbothproofandpresumptionthathehadeverseen。Hesaiditwouldacquittheoldestmanintheworld。
AHarmlessVisitorATameetingoftheGoldenLeagueofMysteryaWomanwasdiscovered，writinginanote—book。AmemberdirectedtheattentionoftheSuperbHighChairmantoher，andshewasaskedtoexplainherpresencethere，andwhatshewasdoing。
"Icameinformyownpleasureandinstruction，"shesaid，"andwassostruckbythewisdomofthespeakersthatIcouldnothelpmakingafewnotes。"
"Madam，"saidtheSuperbHighChairman，"wehavenoobjectiontovisitorsiftheywillpledgethemselvesnottopublishanythingtheyhear。Areyou—onyourhonourasalady，now，madam—areyounotconnectedwithsomenewspaper？"
"Goodgracious，no!"criedtheWoman，earnestly。"Why，sir，IamanofficeroftheWomen’sPressAssociation!"
Shewaspermittedtoremain，andpresentedwithresolutionsofapology。
TheJudgeandtheRashActAJUDGEwhohadforyearslookedinvainforanopportunityforinfamousdistinction，butwhomnolitigantthoughtworthbribing，satonedayupontheBench，lamentinghishardlot，andthreateningtoputanendtohislifeifbusinessdidnotimprove。Suddenlyhefoundhimselfconfrontedbyadreadfulfigurecladinashroud，whosepallorandstonyeyessmotehimwithahorribleapprehension。
"Whoareyou，"hefaltered，"andwhydoyoucomehere？"
"IamtheRashAct，"wasthesepulchralreply；"youmaycommitme。"
"No，"thejudgesaid，thoughtfully，"no，thatwouldbequiteirregular。Idonotsitto—dayasacommittingmagistrate。"
ThePrerogativeofMightASLANDERtravellingrapidlythroughthelanduponitsjoyousmissionwasaccostedbyaRetractionandcommandedtohaltandbekilled。
"Yourcareerofmischiefisatanend，"saidtheRetraction，drawinghisclub，rollinguphissleeves，andspittingonhishands。
"Whyshouldyouslayme？"protestedtheSlander。"Whatevermyintentionswere，Ihavebeeninnocuous，foryouhavedoggedmystridesandcounteractedmyinfluence。"
"Doggedyourgrandmother!"saidtheRetraction，withcontemptuousvulgarityofspeech。"Intheorderofnatureitisappointedthatwetwoshallnevertravelthesameroad。"
"Howthen，"theSlanderasked，triumphantly，"haveyouovertakenme？"
"Ihavenot，"repliedtheRetraction；"wehaveaccidentallymet。I
cameroundtheworldtheotherway。"
Butwhenhetriedtoexecutehisfellpurposehefoundthatintheorderofnatureitwasappointedthathehimselfperishmiserablyintheencounter。
AnInflatedAmbitionTHEPresidentofagreatCorporationwentintoadry—goodsshopandsawaplacardwhichread：
"IfYouDon’tSeeWhatYouWant，AskForIt。"
Approachingtheshopkeeper，whohadbeennarrowlyobservinghimashereadtheplacard，hewasabouttospeak，whentheshopkeepercalledtoasalesman：
"John，showthisgentlemantheworld。"
RejectedServicesAHEAVYOperatorovertakenbyaReverseofFortunewasbewailinghissuddenfallfromaffluencetoindigence。
"Donotweep，"saidtheReverseofFortune。"Youneednotsufferalone。Nameanyoneofthemenwhohaveopposedyourschemes，andIwillovertakeHIM。"
"Itishardlyworthwhile，"saidthevictim，earnestly。"Notasoulofthemhasacent!"
ThePoweroftheScalawagAFORESTRYCommissionerhadjustfelledagianttreewhen，seeinganhonestmanapproaching，hedroppedhisaxeandfled。Thenextdaywhenhecautiouslyreturnedtogethisaxe，hefoundthefollowinglinespencilledonthestump：
"Whatnaturerearedbycenturiesoftoil，Ascalawaginhalfadaycanspoil；
AnequalfateforhimmayHeavenprovide—
Damnedinthemomentofhistallestpride。"
AtLarge—OneTemperATURBULENTPersonwasbroughtbeforeaJudgetobetriedforanassaultwithintenttocommitmurder，anditwasprovedthathehadbeenvariouslyobstreperouswithoutapparentprovocation，hadaffectedtheperipheriesofseverallucklessfellow—citizenswiththetrunkofasmalltree，andsubsequentlycleanedoutthetown。
Whiletryingtopalliatethesemisdeeds，thedefendant’sAttorneyturnedsuddenlytotheJudge，saying：
"DidyourHonoureverloseyourtemper？"
"Ifineyoutwenty—fivedollarsforcontemptofcourt!"roaredtheJudge，inwrath。"Howdareyoumentionthelossofmytemperinconnectionwiththiscase？"
Afteramoment’ssilencetheAttorneysaid，meekly：
"Ithoughtmyclientmightperhapshavefoundit。"
TheSeekerandtheSoughtAPOLITICIANseeingafatTurkeywhichhewantedfordinner，baitedahookwithagrainofcornanddraggeditbeforethefowlattheendofalongandalmostinvisibleline。WhentheTurkeyhadswallowedthehook，thePoliticianran，drawingthecreatureafterhim。
"Fellow—citizens，"hecried，addressingsometurkey—breederswhomhemet，"youobservethatthemandoesnotseekthebird，butthebirdseekstheman。ForthisunsolicitedandunexpecteddinnerI
thankyouwithallmyheart。"
HisFly—SpeckMajestyADISTINGUISHEDAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutionswasseenpicklinghisshinsintheocean。
"Whydon’tyoucomeoutondryland？"saidtheSpectator。"Whatareyouintherefor？"
"Sir，"repliedtheDistinguishedAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutions，"ashipisexpected，bearingHisMajestytheKingoftheFly—SpeckIslands，andIwishtobethefirsttograspthecrownedhand。"
"But，"saidtheSpectator，"yousaidinyourfamousspeechbeforetheSocietyforthePreventionoftheProtrusionofNailHeadsfromPlankSidewalksthatKingswereblood—smearedoppressorsandhell—
boundloafers。"
"Mydearsir，"saidtheDistinguishedAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutions，withoutremovinghiseyesfromthehorizon，"youwanderawayintothestrangestirrelevancies!IspokeofKingsintheabstract。"
ThePugilist’sDietTHETrainerofaPugilistconsultedaPhysicianregardingthechampion’sdiet。
"Beef—steaksaretootender，"saidthePhysician；"havehismeatcutfromtheneckofabull。"
"Ithoughtthesteaksmoredigestible，"theTrainerexplained。
"Thatisverytrue，"saidthePhysician；"buttheydonotsufficientlyexercisethechin。"
TheOldManandthePupilABEAUTIFULOldMan，meetingaSunday—schoolPupil，laidhishandtenderlyuponthelad’shead，saying："Listen，myson，tothewordsofthewiseandheedtheadviceoftherighteous。"
"Allright，"saidtheSunday—schoolPupil；"goahead。"
"Oh，Ihaven’tanythingtodowithitmyself，"saidtheBeautifulOldMan。"Iamonlyobservingoneofthecustomsoftheage。Iamapirate。"
Andwhenhehadtakenhishandfromthelad’shead，thelatterobservedthathishairwasfullofclottedblood。ThentheBeautifulOldManwenthisway，instructingotheryouth。
TheDeceasedandhisHeirsAMANdiedleavingalargeestateandmanysorrowfulrelationswhoclaimedit。Aftersomeyears，whenallbutonehadhadjudgmentgivenagainstthem，thatonewasawardedtheestate，whichheaskedhisAttorneytohaveappraised。
"Thereisnothingtoappraise，"saidtheAttorney，pocketinghislastfee。
"Then，"saidtheSuccessfulClaimant，"whatgoodhasallthislitigationdoneme？"
"Youhavebeenagoodclienttome，"theAttorneyreplied，gatheringuphisbooksandpapers，"butImustsayyoubetrayasurprisingignoranceofthepurposeoflitigation。"
ThePoliticiansandthePlunderSEVERALPoliticalEntitiesweredividingthespoils。
"Iwilltakethemanagementoftheprisons，"saidaDecentRespectforPublicOpinion，"andmakearadicalchange。"
"AndI，"saidtheBlottedEscutcheon，"willretainmypresentgeneralconnectionwithaffairs，whilemyfriendhere，theSoiledErmine，willremainintheJudiciary。"
ThePoliticalPotsaiditwouldnotboilanymoreunlessreplenishedfromtheFilthyPool。
TheCohesivePowerofPublicPlunderquietlyremarkedthatthetwobosseswould，hesupposed，naturallybehisshare。
"No，"saidtheDepthofDegradation，"theyhavealreadyfallentome。"
TheManandtheWartAPERSONwithaWartonHisNosemetaPersonSimilarlyAfflicted，andsaid：
"LetmeproposeyournameformembershipintheImperialOrderofAbnormalProboscidians，ofwhichIamtheHighNobleTobyandSurreptitiousTreasurer。TwomonthsagoIwastheonlymember。
Onemonthagothereweretwo。To—daywenumberfourEmperorsoftheAbnormalProboscisingoodstanding—doubleseveryfourweeks，see？That’sgeometricalprogression—youknowhowthatpilesup。
InayearandahalfeverymaninCaliforniawillhaveawartonhisNose。PowerfulOrder!Initiation，fivedollars。"
"Myfriend，"saidthePersonSimilarlyAfflicted，"herearefivedollars。Keepmynameoffyourbooks。"
"Thankyoukindly，"theManwithaWartonHisNosereplied，pocketingthemoney；"itisjustthesametousasifyoujoined。
Good—by。"
Hewentaway，butinalittlewhilehewasback。
"Iquiteforgottomentionthemonthlydues，"hesaid。
TheDividedDelegationADELEGATIONatWashingtonwenttoaNewPresident，andsaid：
"YourExcellency，weareunabletoagreeuponaFavouriteSontorepresentusinyourCabinet。"
"Then，"saidtheNewPresident，"Ishallhavetolockyouupuntilyoudoagree。"
SotheDelegationwascastintothedeepestdungeonbeneaththemoat，whereitmaintainedadividedmindformanyweeks，butfinallyreconcileditsdifferencesandaskedtobetakenbeforetheNewPresident。
"Mychild，"saidhe，"nothingissobeautifulasharmony。MyCabinetSelectionswereallmadebeforeourformerinterview，butyouhavesuppliedanobleinstanceofpatriotisminsubordinatingyourpersonalpreferencestothegeneralgood。Gonowtoyourbeautifulhomesandbehappy。"
ItisnotrecordedthattheDelegationwashappy。
AForfeitedRightTHEChiefoftheWeatherBureauhavingpredictedafineday，aThriftyPersonhastenedtolayinalargestockofumbrellas，whichheexposedforsaleonthesidewalk；buttheweatherremainedclear，andnobodywouldbuy。ThereupontheThriftyPersonbroughtanactionagainsttheChiefoftheWeatherBureauforthecostoftheumbrellas。
"YourHonour，"saidthedefendant’sattorney，whenthecasewascalled，"Imovethatthisastonishingactionbedismissed。Notonlyismyclientinnowayresponsiblefortheloss，buthedistinctlyforeshadowedtheverythingthatcausedit。"
"Thatisjustit，yourHonour，"repliedthecounselfortheplaintiff；"thedefendantbymakingacorrectforecastfooledmyclientintheonlywaythathecoulddoso。Hehasliedsomuchandsonotoriouslythathehasneitherthelegalnormoralrighttotellthetruth。"
Judgmentfortheplaintiff。
RevengeANInsuranceAgentwastryingtoinduceaHardMantoDealWithtotakeoutapolicyonhishouse。Afterlisteningtohimforanhour，whilehepaintedinvividcolourstheextremedangeroffireconsumingthehouse，theHardMantoDealWithsaid：
"Doyoureallythinkitlikelythatmyhousewillburndowninsidethetimethatpolicywillrun？"
"Certainly，"repliedtheInsuranceAgent；"haveInotbeentryingallthistimetoconvinceyouthatIdo？"
"Then，"saidtheHardMantoDealWith，"whyareyousoanxioustohaveyourCompanybetmemoneythatitwillnot？"
TheAgentwassilentandthoughtfulforamoment；thenhedrewtheotherapartintoanunfrequentedplaceandwhisperedinhisear：
"Myfriend，Iwillimparttoyouadarksecret。YearsagotheCompanybetrayedmysweetheartbypromiseofmarriage。UnderanassumednameIhavewormedmyselfintoitsserviceforrevenge；andasthereisaheavenaboveus，Iwillhaveitsheart’sblood!"
AnOptimistTwoFrogsinthebellyofasnakewereconsideringtheiralteredcircumstances。
"Thisisprettyhardluck，"saidone。
"Don’tjumptoconclusions，"theothersaid；"weareoutofthewetandprovidedwithboardandlodging。"
"Withlodging，certainly，"saidtheFirstFrog；"butIdon’tseetheboard。"
"Youareacroaker，"theotherexplained。"Weareourselvestheboard。"
AValuableSuggestionABIGNationhavingaquarrelwithaLittleNation，resolvedtoterrifyitsantagonistbyagrandnavaldemonstrationinthelatter’sprincipalport。SotheBigNationassembledallitsshipsofwarfromallovertheworld，andwasabouttosendthemthreehundredandfiftythousandmilestotheplaceofrendezvous，whenthePresidentoftheBigNationreceivedthefollowingnotefromthePresidentoftheLittleNation：
"Mygreatandgoodfriend，Ihearthatyouaregoingtoshowusyournavy，inordertoimpressuswithasenseofyourpower。Howneedlesstheexpense!Toprovetoyouthatwealreadyknowallaboutit，Iincloseherewithalistanddescriptionofalltheshipsyouhave。"
Thegreatandgoodfriendwassostruckbythehardsenseoftheletterthathekepthisnavyathome，andsavedonethousandmilliondollars。Thiseconomyenabledhimtobuyasatisfactorydecisionwhenthecauseofthequarrelwassubmittedtoarbitration。
TwoFootpadsTwoFootpadssatattheirgroginaroadsideresort，comparingtheevening’sadventures。
"IstooduptheChiefofPolice，"saidtheFirstFootpad，"andI
gotawaywithwhathehad。"
"AndI，"saidtheSecondFootpad，"stooduptheUnitedStatesDistrictAttorney，andgotawaywith—"
"GoodLord!"interruptedtheotherinastonishmentandadmiration—
"yougotawaywithwhatthatfellowhad？"
"No，"theunfortunatenarratorexplained—"withasmallpartofwhatIhad。"
EquippedforServiceDURINGtheCivilWaraPatriotwaspassingthroughtheStateofMarylandwithapassfromthePresidenttojoinGrant’sarmyandseethefighting。StoppingadayatAnnapolis，hevisitedtheshopofawell—knownopticianandorderedsevenpowerfultelescopes，oneforeverydayintheweek。InrecognitionofthismunificentpatronageoftheState’slanguishingindustries，theGovernorcommissionedhimacolonel。
TheBaskingCycloneANEGROinaboat，gatheringdriftwood，sawasleepingAlligator，and，thinkingitwasalog，felltoestimatingthenumberofshinglesitwouldmakeforhisnewcabin。Havingsatisfiedhismindonthatpoint，hestuckhisboat—hookintothebeast’sbacktoharvesthisgoodfortune。Thereuponthesaurianemergedfromhisdreamandtooktothewater，greatlytothesurpriseoftheman—
and—brother。
"Ineverbefo’seensuchacycloneasdat，"heexclaimedassoonashehadrecoveredhisbreath。"Itdonecarryawayderufofmyhouse!"
AtthePoleAFTERagreatexpenditureoflifeandtreasureaDaringExplorerhadsucceededinreachingtheNorthPole，whenhewasapproachedbyaNativeGaleutwholivedthere。
"Goodmorning，"saidtheNativeGaleut。"I’mverygladtoseeyou，butwhydidyoucomehere？"
"Glory，"saidtheDaringExplorer，curtly。
"Yes，yes，Iknow，"theotherpersisted；"butofwhatbenefittomanisyourdiscovery？Towhattruthsdoesitgiveaccesswhichwereinaccessiblebefore？—facts，Imean，havingascientificvalue？"
"I’llbeTomscattedifIknow，"thegreatmanreplied，frankly；
"youwillhavetoasktheScientistoftheExpedition。"
ButtheScientistoftheExpeditionexplainedthathehadbeensoengrossedwiththecareofhisinstrumentsandthestudyofhistablesthathehadfoundnotimetothinkofit。
TheOptimistandtheCynicAMANwhohadexperiencedthefavoursoffortuneandwasanOptimist，metamanwhohadexperiencedanoptimistandwasaCynic。SotheCynicturnedoutoftheroadtolettheOptimistrollbyinhisgoldcarriage。
"Myson，"saidtheOptimist，stoppingthegoldcarriage，"youlookasifyouhadnotafriendintheworld。"
"Idon’tknowifIhaveornot，"repliedtheCynic，"foryouhavetheworld。"
ThePoetandtheEditor"MYdearsir，"saidtheeditortotheman，whohadcalledtoseeabouthispoem，"Iregrettosaythatowingtoanunfortunatealtercationinthisofficethegreaterpartofyourmanuscriptisillegible；abottleofinkwasupsetuponit，blottingoutallbutthefirstline—thatistosay—"
"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling。’
"Unluckily，nothavingreadthepoem，Iwasunabletosupplytheincidentsthatfollowed；otherwisewecouldhavegiventheminourownwords。Ifthenewsisnotstale，andhasnotalreadyappearedintheotherpapers，perhapsyouwillkindlyrelatewhatoccurred，whileImakenotesofit。
"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling，’
"Goon。"
"What!"saidthepoet，"doyouexpectmetoreproducetheentirepoemfrommemory？"
"Onlythesubstanceofit—justtheleadingfacts。Wewilladdwhateverisnecessaryinthewayofamplificationandembellishment。Itwilldetainyoubutamoment。
"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling—’
"Now，then。"
Therewasasoundofaslowgettingupandgoingaway。Thechroniclerofpassingeventssatthroughit，motionless，withsuspendedpen；andwhenthemovementwascompletePoesywasrepresentedinthatplacebynothingbutawarmspotonthewoodenchair。
TheTakenHandASUCCESSFULManofBusiness，havingoccasiontowritetoaThief，expressedawishtoseehimandshakehands。
"No，"repliedtheThief，"therearesomethingswhichIwillnottake—amongthemyourhand。"
"Youmustusealittlestrategy，"saidaPhilosophertowhomtheSuccessfulManofBusinesshadreportedtheThief’shaughtyreply。
"Leaveyourhandoutsomenight，andhewilltakeit。"
SoonenighttheSuccessfulManofBusinesslefthishandoutofhisneighbour’spocket，andtheThieftookitwithavidity。
AnUnspeakableImbecileAJUDGEsaidtoaConvictedAssassin：
"Prisoneratthebar，haveyouanythingtosaywhythedeath—
sentenceshouldnotbepasseduponyou？"
"WillwhatIsaymakeanydifference？"askedtheConvictedAssassin。
"Idonotseehowitcan，"theJudgeanswered，reflectively。"No，itwillnot。"
"Then，"saidthedoomedone，"IshouldjustliketoremarkthatyouarethemostunspeakableoldimbecileinsevenStatesandtheDistrictofColumbia。"
ANeedfulWarTHEpeopleofMadagoniahadanantipathytothepeopleofNovakatkaandsetuponsomesailorsofaNovakatkanvessel，killingtwoandwoundingtwelve。TheKingofMadagoniahavingrefusedeithertoapologiseorpay，theKingofNovakatkamadewaruponhim，sayingthatitwasnecessarytoshowthatNovakatkansmustnotbeslaughtered。InthebattleswhichensuedthepeopleofMadagoniaslaughteredtwothousandNovakatkansandwoundedtwelvethousand。
ButtheMadagonianswereunsuccessful，whichsochagrinedthemthatneverthereafterinalltheirlandwasaNovakatkansecureinpropertyorlife。
TheMineOwnerandtheJackassWHILEtheOwnerofaSilverMinewasonhiswaytoattendaconventionofhisspecieshewasaccostedbyaJackass，whosaid：
"ByanunjustdiscriminationagainstquadrupedsIammadeineligibletoaseatinyourconvention；soIamcompelledtoseekrepresentationthroughyou。"
"Itwillgivemegreatpleasure，sir，"saidtheOwnerofaSilverMine，"toserveonesocloselyalliedtomein—in—well，youknow，"headded，withasignificantgestureofhistwohandsupwardfromthesidesofhishead。"Whatdoyouwant？"
"Oh，nothing—nothingatallformyselfindividually，"repliedtheDonkey；"buthiscountry’swelfareshouldbeapatriot’ssupremecare。IfAmericansaretoretainthesacredlibertiesforwhichtheirfathersstrove，CongressmustdeclareourindependenceofEuropeandictationbymaintainingthepriceofmules。"
TheDogandthePhysicianADOGthathadseenaPhysicianattendingtheburialofawealthypatient，said："Whendoyouexpecttodigitup？"
"WhyshouldIdigitup？"thePhysicianasked。
"WhenIburyabone，"saidtheDog，"itiswithanintentiontouncoveritlaterandpickit。"
"ThebonesthatIbury，"saidthePhysician，"arethosethatIcannolongerpick。"
ThePartyManagerandtheGentlemanAPARTYManagersaidtoaGentlemanwhomhesawmindinghisownbusiness：
"Howmuchwillyoupayforanominationtooffice？"
"Nothing，"theGentlemanreplied。
"Butyouwillcontributesomethingtothecampaignfundtoassistinyourelection，willyounot？"askedthePartyManager，winking。
"Oh，no，"saidtheGentleman，gravely。"Ifthepeoplewishmetoworkforthem，theymusthiremewithoutsolicitation。Iamverycomfortablewithoutoffice。"
"But，"urgedthePartyManager，"anelectionisathingtobedesired。Itisahighhonourtobeaservantofthepeople。"
"Ifservitudeisahighhonour，"theGentlemansaid，"itwouldbeindecentformetoseekit；andifobtainedbymyownexertionitwouldbenohonour。"
"Well，"persistedthePartyManager，"youwillatleast，Ihope，indorsethepartyplatform。"
TheGentlemanreplied："Itisimprobablethatitsauthorshaveaccuratelyexpressedmyviewswithoutconsultingme；andifI
indorsedtheirworkwithoutapprovingitIshouldbealiar。"
"Youareadetestablehypocriteandanidiot!"shoutedthePartyManager。
"Evenyourgoodopinionofmyfitness，"repliedtheGentleman，"shallnotpersuademe。"
TheLegislatorandtheCitizenANex—LegislatoraskedaMostRespectableCitizenforalettertotheGovernorrecommendinghimforappointmentasCommissionerofShrimpsandCrabs。
"Sir，"saidtheMostRespectableCitizen，austerely，"wereyounotonceintheStateSenate？"
"Notsobadasthat，sir，Iassureyou，"wasthereply。"IwasamemberoftheSlowerHouse。Iwasexpelledforsellingmyinfluenceformoney。"
"Andyoudaretoaskformine!"shoutedtheMostRespectableCitizen。"Youhavetheimpudence？Amanwhowillacceptbribeswillprobablyofferthem。Doyoumeanto—"
"Ishouldnotthinkofmakingacorruptproposaltoyou，sir；butifIwereCommissionerofShrimpsandCrabs，Imighthavesomeinfluencewiththewater—frontpopulation，andbeabletohelpyoumakeyourfightforCoroner。"
"InthatcaseIdonotfeeljustifiedindenyingyoutheletter。"
Sohetookhispen，and，somedemonguidinghishand，hewrote，greatlytohisastonishment：
"Whosellshisinfluenceshouldstopit，Anhonestmanwillonlyswapit。"
TheRainmakerANOfficeroftheGovernment，withagreatoutfitofmule—waggonsloadedwithballoons，kites，dynamitebombs，andelectricalapparatus，haltedinthemidstofadesert，wheretherehadbeennorainfortenyears，andsetupacamp。Afterseveralmonthsofpreparationandanexpenditureofamilliondollarsallwasinreadiness，andaseriesoftremendousexplosionsoccurredontheearthandinthesky。Thiswasfollowedbyagreatdown—pourofrain，whichwashedtheunfortunateOfficeroftheGovernmentandtheoutfitoffthefaceofcreationandaffectedtheagriculturalheartwithjoytoodeepforutterance。ANewspaperReporterwhohadjustarrivedescapedbyclimbingahillnearby，andtherehefoundtheSoleSurvivoroftheexpedition—amule—driver—downonhiskneesbehindamesquitebush，prayingwithextremefervour。
"Oh，youcan’tstopitthatway，"saidtheReporter。
"Myfellow—travellertothebarofGod，"repliedtheSoleSurvivor，lookingupoverhisshoulder，"yourunderstandingisindarkness。
Iamnotstoppingthisgreatblessing；underProvidence，Iambringingit。"
"Thatisaprettygoodjoke，"saidtheReporter，laughingaswellashecouldinthestranglingrain—"amuledriver’sprayeranswered!"
"Childoflevityandscoffing，"repliedtheother；"youerragain，misledbythesehumblehabiliments。IamtheRev。EzekielThrifft，aministerofthegospel，nowintheserviceofthegreatmanufacturingfirmofSkinn&Sheer。Theymakeballoons，kites，dynamitebombs，andelectricalapparatus。"
TheCitizenandtheSnakesAPUBLIC—SPIRITEDCitizenwhohadfailedmiserablyintryingtosecureaNationalpoliticalconventionforhiscitysufferedacutelyfromdejection。Whileinthatframeofmindheleanedthoughtlesslyagainstadruggist’sshow—window，whereinwereonehundredandfiftykindsofassortedsnakes。Theglassbreaking，thereptilesallescapedintothestreet。
"Whenyoucan’tdowhatyouwish，"saidthePublic—spiritedCitizen，"itisworthwhiletodowhatyoucan。"
FortuneandtheFabulistAWRITERofFableswaspassingthroughalonelyforestwhenhemetaFortune。Greatlyalarmed，hetriedtoclimbatree，buttheFortunepulledhimdownandbestoweditselfuponhimwithcruelpersistence。
"Whydidyoutrytorunaway？"saidtheFortune，whenhisstruggleshadceasedandhisscreamswerestilled。"Whydoyouglareatmesoinhospitably？"
"Idon’tknowwhatyouare，"repliedtheWriterofFables，deeplydisturbed。
"Iamwealth；Iamrespectability，"theFortuneexplained；"Iameleganthouses，ayacht，andacleanshirteveryday。Iamleisure，Iamtravel，wine，ashinyhat，andanunshinycoat。Iamenoughtoeat。"
"Allright，"saidtheWriterofFables，inawhisper；"butforgoodness’sakespeaklower。"
"Whyso？"theFortuneasked，insurprise。
"Soasnottowakeme，"repliedtheWriterofFables，aholycalmbroodinguponhisbeautifulface。
ASmilingIdolANIdolsaidtoaMissionary，"Myfriend，whydoyouseektobringmeintocontempt？Ifithadnotbeenforme，whatwouldyouhavebeen？Rememberthycreatorthatthydaysbelongintheland。"
"Iconfess，"repliedtheMissionary，fingeringanumberoften—centpieceswhichaSunday—schoolinhisowncountryhadforwardedtohim，"thatIamaproductofyou，butIprotestthatyoucannotquoteScripturewithaccuracyandpoint。ThereforewillIcontinuetogoupagainstyouwiththeSwordoftheSpirit。"
ShortlyafterwardstheIdol’sworshippersheldagreatreligiousceremonyatthebaseofhispedestal，andasapartoftheritestheMissionarywasroastedwhole。Asthetonguewasremovedforthehighpriest’stable，"Ah，"saidtheIdoltohimself，"thatistheSwordoftheSpirit—theonlySwordthatislessdangerouswhenunsheathed。"
AndhesmiledsopleasantlyathisownwitthattheprovincesofGhargaroo，M’gwana，andScowowwereaffectedwithablight。
PhilosophersThreeABEAR，aFox，andanOpossumwereattackedbyaninundation。
"Deathlovesacoward，"saidtheBear，andwentforwardtofighttheflood。
"Whatafool!"saidtheFox。"Iknowatrickworthtwoofthat。"
Andheslippedintoahollowstump。
"Therearemalevolentforces，"saidtheOpossum，"whichthewisewillneitherconfrontnoravoid。Thethingistoknowthenatureofyourantagonist。"
SosayingtheOpossumlaydownandpretendedtobedead。
TheBonelessKingSOMEApeswhohaddeposedtheirkingfellatonceintodissensionandanarchy。InthisstraittheysentaDeputationtoaneighbouringtribetoconsulttheOldestandWisestApeinAlltheWorld。
"Mychildren，"saidtheOldestandWisestApeinAlltheWorld，whenhehadheardtheDeputation，"youdidrightinriddingyourselvesoftyranny，butyourtribeisnotsufficientlyadvancedtodispensewiththeformsofmonarchy。Enticethetyrantbackwithfairpromises，killhimandenthrone。Theskeletonofeventhemostlawlessdespotmakesagoodconstitutionalsovereign。"
AtthistheDeputationwasgreatlyabashed。"Itisimpossible，"
theysaid，movingaway；"ourkinghasnoskeleton；hewasstuffed。"
UncalculatingZealAMAN—EATINGtigerwasravagingtheKingdomofDamnasia，andtheKing，greatlyconcernedforthelivesandlimbsofhisRoyalsubjects，promisedhisdaughterZodroulratoanymanwhowouldkilltheanimal。AftersomedaysCamaraladdinappearedbeforetheKingandclaimedthereward。
"Butwhereisthetiger？"theKingasked。
"Mayjackassessingabovemyuncle’sgrave，"repliedCamaraladdin，"ifIdaredgowithinaleagueofhim!"
"Wretch!"criedtheKing，unsheathinghisconsoler—under—
disappointment；"howdareyouclaimmydaughterwhenyouhavedonenothingtoearnher？"
"Thouartwiser，OKing，thanSolymantheGreat，andthyservantisasdustinthetombofthydog，yetthouerrest。Ididnot，itistrue，killthetiger，butbehold!Ihavebroughttheethescalpofthemanwhohadaccumulatedfivemillionpiecesofgoldandwasaftermore。"
TheKingdrewhisconsoler—under—disappointment，and，flickingoffCamaraladdin’shead，said：
"Learn，caitiff，theexpediencyofuncalculatingzeal。Ifthemillionairehadbeenletalonehewouldhavedevouredthetiger。"
ATranspositionTRAVELLINGthroughthesage—brushcountryaJackassmetarabbit，whoexclaimedingreatastonishment：
"Goodheavens!howdidyougrowsobig？Youaredoubtlessthelargestrabbitliving。"
"No，"saidtheJackass，"youarethesmallestdonkey。"
AfteragooddealoffruitlessargumentthequestionwasreferredfordecisiontoapassingCoyote，whowasabitofademagogueanddesiroustostandwellwithboth。
"Gentlemen，"saidhe，"youarebothright，aswastohavebeenexpectedbypersonssogiftedwithappliancesforreceivinginstructionfromthewise。You，sir，"—turningtothesuperioranimal—"are，ashehasaccuratelyobserved，arabbit。Andyou"—
totheother—"arecorrectlydescribedasajackass。Intransposingyournamesmanhasactedwithincrediblefolly。"
TheyweresopleasedwiththedecisionthattheydeclaredtheCoyotetheircandidatefortheGrizzlyBearship；butwhetherheeverobtainedtheofficehistorydoesnotrelate。
TheHonestCitizenAPOLITICALPreferment，labelledwithitsprice，wascanvassingtheStatetofindapurchaser。OnedayitoffereditselftoaTrulyGoodMan，who，afterexaminingthelabelandfindingthepricewasexactlytwiceasgreatashewaswillingtopay，spurnedthePoliticalPrefermentfromhisdoor。ThenthePeoplesaid："Behold，thisisanhonestcitizen!"AndtheTrulyGoodManhumblyconfessedthatitwasso。
ACreakingTailANAmericanStatesmanwhohadtwistedthetailoftheBritishLionuntilhisarmsachedwasatlastrewardedbyasharp，raspingsound。
"Iknewyourfortitudewouldgiveoutafterawhile，"saidtheAmericanStatesman，delighted；"youragonyattestsmypoliticalpower。"
"AgonyIknownot!"saidtheBritishLion，yawning；"theswivelinmytailneedsafewdropsofoil，thatisall。"
WastedSweetsACANDIDATEcanvassinghisdistrictmetaNursewheelingaBabyinacarriage，and，stooping，imprintedakissupontheBaby’sclammymuzzle。Rising，hesawaMan，wholaughed。
"Whydoyoulaugh？"askedtheCandidate。
"Because，"repliedtheMan，"theBabybelongstotheOrphanAsylum。"
"ButtheNurse，"saidtheCandidate—"theNursewillsurelyrelatethetouchingincidentwherevershegoes，andperhapswritetoherformermaster。"
"TheNurse，"saidtheManwhohadlaughed，"isaninmateoftheInstitutionfortheIlliterate—Deaf—and—Dumb。"
SixandOneTHECommitteeonGerrymanderworkedlate，drawingintricatelinesonamapoftheState，andbeingwearysoughtreposeinagameofpoker。AtthecloseofthegamethesixRepublicanmemberswerebankruptandthesingleDemocrathadallthemoney。Onthenextday，whentheCommitteewascalledtoorderforbusiness，oneofthelucklesssixmountedhislegs，andsaid：
"Mr。Chairman，beforewebendtoournobletaskofpurifyingpolitics，intheinterestofgoodgovernmentIwishtosayawordoftheuntowardeventsoflastevening。IfmymemoryservesmethedisasterswhichovertooktheMajorityofthishonourablebodyalwaysbefellwhenitwastheMinority’sdeal。Itismysolemnconviction，Mr。Chairman，andtoitsaffirmationIpledgemylife，myfortune，andmysacredhonour，thatthatwickedandunscrupulousMinorityredistrictedthecards!"
TheSportsmanandtheSquirrelASPORTSMANwhohadwoundedaSquirrel，whichwasmakingdesperateeffortstodragitselfaway，ranafteritwithastick，exclaiming：
"Poorthing!Iwillputitoutofitsmisery。"
AtthatmomenttheSquirrelsstoppedfromexhaustion，andlookingupatitsenemy，said：
"Idon’tventuretodoubtthesincerityofyourcompassion，thoughitcomesratherlate，butyouseemtolackthefacultyofobservation。Doyounotperceivebymyactionsthatthedearestwishofmyheartistocontinueinmymisery？"
Atthisexposureofhishypocrisy，theSportsmanwassoovercomewithshameandremorsethathewouldnotstriketheSquirrel，butpointingitouttohisdog，walkedthoughtfullyaway。
TheFogyandtheSheikAFOGYwholivedinacavenearagreatcaravanroutereturnedtohishomeonedayandsaw，nearby，agreatconcourseofmenandanimals，andintheirmidstatower，atthefootofwhichsomethingwithwheelssmokedandpantedlikeanexhaustedhorse。HesoughttheSheikoftheOutfit。
"Whatsinartthoucommittingnow，OsonofaChristiandog？"saidtheFogy，withatrulyOrientalpoliteness。
"Boringforwater，youblack—and—tangaloot!"repliedtheSheikoftheOutfit，withthatreadyreparteewhichdistinguishestheUnbeliever。
"Knowestthounot，thouwhelpofdarknessandfatherofdisorderedlivers，"criedtheFogy，"thatwaterwillcausegrasstospringuphere，andtrees，andpossiblyevenflowers？Knowestthounot，thatthouart，intruth，producinganoasis？"
"Anddon’tyouknow，"saidtheSheikoftheOutfit，"thatcaravanswillthenstophereforrestandrefreshments，givingyouachancetostealthecamels，thehorses，andthegoods？"
"Maythewildhogdefilemygrave，butthouspeakestwisdom!"theFogyreplied，withthedignityofhisrace，extendinghishand。
"Sheik。"
Theyshook。
AtHeaven’sGateHAVINGarisenfromthetomb，aWomanpresentedherselfatthegateofHeaven，andknockedwithatremblinghand。
"Madam，"saidSaintPeter，risingandapproachingthewicket，"whencedoyoucome？"
"FromSanFrancisco，"repliedtheWoman，withembarrassment，asgreatbeadsofperspirationspangledherspiritualbrow。
"Nevermind，mygoodgirl，"theSaintsaid，compassionately。
"Eternityisalongtime；youcanlivethatdown。"
"Butthat，ifyouplease，isnotall。"TheWomanwasgrowingmoreandmoreconfused。"Ipoisonedmyhusband。Ichoppedupmybabies。I—"
"Ah，"saidtheSaint，withsuddenausterity，"yourconfessionsuggestsaverygravepossibility。WereyouamemberoftheWomen’sPressAssociation？"
Theladydrewherselfupandrepliedwithwarmth：
"Iwasnot。"
Thegatesofpearlandjasperswungbackupontheirgoldenhinges，makingthemostravishingmusic，andtheSaint，steppingaside，bowedlow，saying：
"Enter，then，intothineeternalrest。"
ButtheWomanhesitated。
"Thepoisoning—thechopping—the—the—"shestammered。
"Ofnoconsequence，Iassureyou。WearenotgoingtobehardonaladywhodidnotbelongtotheWomen’sPressAssociation。Takeaharp。"
"ButIappliedformembership—Iwasblackballed。"
"Taketwoharps。"
TheCattedAnarchistANAnarchistOratorwhohadbeenstruckinthefacewithaDeadCatbysomeRespectorofLawtohimunknown，hadtheDeadCatarrestedandtakenbeforeaMagistrate。
"Whydoyouappealtothelaw？"saidtheMagistrate—"Youwhogoinfortheabolitionoflaw。"
"That，"repliedtheAnarchist，whowasnotwithoutacertainhardnessofhead，"thatisnoneofyourbusiness；Iamnotboundtobeconsistent。YousitheretodojusticebetweenmeandthisDeadCat。"
"Verywell，"saidtheMagistrate，puttingontheblackcapandasolemnlook；"astheaccusedmakesnodefence，andisundoubtedlyguilty，Isentencehertobeeatenbythepublicexecutioner；andasthatpositionhappenstobevacant，Iappointyoutoit，withoutbonds。"
OneofthemostdelightedspectatorsattheexecutionwastheanonymousRespectorofLawwhohadflungthecondemned。
TheHonourableMemberAMEMBERofaLegislature，whohadpledgedhimselftohisConstituentsnottosteal，broughthomeattheendofthesessionalargepartofthedomeoftheCapitol。ThereupontheConstituentsheldanindignationmeetingandpassedaresolutionoftarandfeathers。
"Youaremostunjust，"saidtheMemberoftheLegislature。"ItistrueIpromisedyouIwouldnotsteal；buthadIeverpromisedyouthatIwouldnotlie？"
TheConstituentssaidhewasanhonourablemanandelectedhimtotheUnitedStatesCongress，unpledgedandunfledged。
TheExpatriatedBossABOSSwhohadgonetoCanadawastauntedbyaCitizenofMontrealwithhavingfledtoavoidprosecution。
"Youdomeagraveinjustice，"saidtheBoss，partingwithapairoftears。"IcametoCanadasolelybecauseofitspoliticalattractions；itsGovernmentisthemostcorruptintheworld。"
"Prayforgiveme，"saidtheCitizenofMontreal。
Theyfelluponeachother’sneck，andattheconclusionofthattouchingritetheBosshadtwowatches。
AnInadequateFeeANOx，unabletoextricatehimselffromthemireintowhichhesank，wasadvisedtomakeuseofaPoliticalPull。WhenthePoliticalPullhadarrived，theOxsaid："Mygoodfriend，pleasemakefasttome，andletnaturetakehercourse。"
SothePoliticalPullmadefasttotheOx’sheadandnaturetookhercourse。TheOxwasdrawn，first，fromthemire，and，next，fromhisskin。ThenthePoliticalPulllookedbackuponthegoodfatcarcaseofbeefthathewasdraggingtohislairandsaid，withadiscontentedspirit：
"Thatishardlymycustomaryfee；I’lltakehomethisfirstinstalment，thenreturnandbringanactionforsalvageagainsttheskin。"
TheJudgeandthePlaintiffAMANofExperienceinBusinesswasawaitingthejudgmentoftheCourtinanactionfordamageswhichhehadbroughtagainstarailwaycompany。ThedooropenedandtheJudgeoftheCourtentered。
"Well，"saidhe，"Iamgoingtodecideyourcaseto—day。IfI
shoulddecideinyourfavour，Iwonderhowyouwouldexpressyoursatisfaction？"
"Sir，"saidtheManofExperienceinBusiness，"Ishouldriskyourangerbyofferingyouonehalfthesumawarded。"
"DidIsayIwasgoingtodecidethatcase？"saidtheJudge，abruptly，asifawakeningfromadream。"Dearme，howabsent—
mindedIam。ImeanIhavealreadydecidedit，andjudgmenthasbeenenteredforthefullamountthatyousuedfor。"
"DidIsayIwouldgiveyouonehalf？"saidtheManofExperienceinBusiness，coldly。"Dearme，hownearIcametobeingarascal。
Imean，thatIamgreatlyobligedtoyou。"
TheReturnoftheRepresentativeHEARINGthattheLegislaturehadadjourned，thepeopleofanAssemblyDistrictheldamass—meetingtodeviseasuitablepunishmentfortheirrepresentative。Byonespeakeritwasproposedthathebedisembowelled，byanotherthathebemadetorunthegauntlet。Somefavouredhanging，somethoughtthatitwoulddohimgoodtoappearinasuitoftarandfeathers。Anoldman，famousforhiswisdomandhishabitofdroolingonhisshirt—
front，suggestedthattheyfirstcatchtheirhare。SotheChairmanappointedacommitteetowatchforthevictimatmidnight，andtakehimasheshouldattempttosneakintotownacross—lotsfromthetamarackswamp。Atthispointintheproceedingstheywereinterruptedbythesoundofabrassband。Theirdishonouredrepresentativewasdrivingupfromtherailwaystationinacoach—
and—four，withmusicandabanner。Afewmomentslaterheenteredthehall，wentupontheplatform，andsaiditwastheproudestmomentofhislife。（Cheers。）
AStatesmanASTATESMANwhoattendedameetingofaChamberofCommercerosetospeak，butwasobjectedtoonthegroundthathehadnothingtodowithcommerce。
"Mr。Chairman，"saidanAgedMember，rising，"Iconceivethattheobjectionisnotwelltaken；thegentleman’sconnectionwithcommerceiscloseandintimate。HeisaCommodity。"
TwoDogsTHEDog，ascreated，hadarigidtail，butaftersomecenturiesofacheerlessexistence，unappreciatedbyMan，whomadehimworkforhisliving，heimploredtheCreatortoendowhimwithawag。Thisbeingdonehewasabletodissemblehisresentmentwithasignofaffection，andtheearthwashisandthefulnessthereof。
Observingthis，thePolitician（ananimalcreatedlater）petitionedthatawagmightbegivenhimtoo。Ashewasincaudateitwasconferreduponhischin，whichhenowwagswithgreatprofitandgratificationexceptwhenheisathismeals。
ThreeRecruitsAFARMER，anArtisan，andaLabourerwenttotheKingoftheircountryandcomplainedthattheywerecompelledtosupportalargestandingarmyofmereconsumers，whodidnothingfortheirkeep。
"Verywell，"saidtheKing，"mysubjects’wishesarethehighestlaw。"
Sohedisbandedhisarmyandtheconsumersbecameproducersalso。
Thesaleoftheirproductssobroughtdownpricesthatfarmingwasruined，andtheirskilledandunskilledlabourdrovetheartisansandlabourersintothealmshousesandhighways。InafewyearsthenationaldistresswassogreatthattheFarmer，theArtisan，andtheLabourerpetitionedtheKingtoreorganizethestandingarmy。
"What!"saidtheKing；"youwishtosupportthoseidleconsumersagain？"
"No，yourMajesty，"theyreplied—"wewishtoenlist。"
TheMirrorASILKEN—EAREDSpaniel，whotracedhisdescentfromKingCharlestheSecondofEngland，chancedtolookintoamirrorwhichwasleaningagainstthewainscotingofaroomonthegroundfloorofhismistress’shouse。Seeinghisreflection，hesupposedittobeanotherdog，outside，andsaid：
"Icanchewupanysuchmilksoppypupasthat，andIwill。"
Soheranout—of—doorsandaroundtothesideofthehousewherehefanciedtheenemywas。ItsohappenedthatatthatmomentaBulldogsattheresunninghisteeth。TheSpanielstoppedshortindireconsternation，and，afterregardingtheBulldogamomentfromasafedistance，said：
"Idon’tknowwhetheryoucultivatetheartsofpeaceoryourflagisflungtothebattleandthebreezeandyourvoiceisforwar。
Ifyouareacivilian，thewindowsofthishouseflatteryouworsethananewspaper，butifyou’reasoldier，theydoyouagraveinjustice。"
ThisspeechbeingunintelligibletotheBulldogheonlycivillysmiled，whichsoterrifiedtheSpanielthathedroppeddeadinhistracks。
SaintandSinner"MYfriend，"saidadistinguishedofficeroftheSalvationArmy，toaMostWickedSinner，"Iwasonceadrunkard，athief，anassassin。
TheDivineGracehasmademewhatIam。"
TheMostWickedSinnerlookedathimfromheadtofoot。
"Henceforth，"hesaid，"theDivineGrace，Ifancy，willletwellenoughalone。"
AnAntidoteAYOUNGOstrichcametoitsMother，groaningwithpainandwithitswingstightlycrosseduponitsstomach。
"Whathaveyoubeeneating？"theMotherasked，withsolicitude。
"NothingbutakegofNails，"wasthereply。
"What!"exclaimedtheMother；"awholekegofNails，atyourage!
Why，youwillkillyourselfthatway。Goquickly，mychild，andswallowaclaw—hammer。"
AWearyEchoACONVENTIONoffemalewriters，whichfortwodayshadbeenstuffingWoman’scouchwithgoose—quillsandhailingthedownofanewera，adjournedwithunabatedenthusiasm，shouting，"Placeauxdames!"AndEchowearilyreplied，"Oh，damn。"
TheIngeniousBlackmailerANInventorwenttoaKingandwasgrantedanaudience，whenthefollowingconversationensued：
INVENTOR。—"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，Ihaveinventedariflethatdischargeslightning。"
KING。—"Ah，youwishtosellmethesecret。"
INVENTOR。—"Yes；itwillenableyourarmytooverrunanynationthatisaccessible。"
KING。—"Inordertogetanygoodofmyoutlayforyourinvention，Imustmakeawar，anddosoassoonasIcanarmmytroops—
beforeyoursecretisdiscoveredbyforeignnations。Howmuchdoyouwant？"
INVENTOR。—"Onemilliondollars。"
KING。—"Andhowmuchwillitcosttomakethechangeofarms？"
INVENTOR。—"Fiftymillions。"
KING。—"AndthewarwillCost—？"
INVENTOR。—"Butconsiderthegloryandthespoils!"
KING。—"Exactly。ButifIamnotseekingtheseadvantages？WhatifIdeclinetopurchase？"
INVENTOR。—"Thereisnoeconomyinthat。Thoughapatriot，Iampoor；ifmyowncountrywillnotpatroniseme，Imustseekamarketelsewhere。"
KING（toPrimeMinister）。—"Takethisblackmailerandcutoffhishead。"
ATalismanHAVINGbeensummonedtoserveasajuror，aProminentCitizensentaphysician’scertificatestatingthathewasafflictedwithsofteningofthebrain。
"Thegentlemanisexcused，"saidtheJudge，handingbackthecertificatetothepersonwhohadbroughtit，"hehasabrain。"
TheAncientOrderHARDLYhadthatancientorder，theSultansofExceedingSplendour，beencompletelyfoundedbytheGrandFlashingInaccessible，whenaquestionaroseastowhatshouldbethetitleofaddressamongthemembers。Somewantedittobesimply"myLord，"othersheldoutfor"yourDukeness，"andstillotherspreferred"mySovereignLiege。"Finallythegorgeousjeweloftheorder，gleaminguponthebreastofeverymember，suggested"yourBadgesty，"whichwasadopted，andtheorderbecamepopularlyknownastheKingsofCatarrh。
AFatalDisorderADYINGManwhohadbeenshotwasrequestedbyofficersofthelawtomakeastatement，andbequickaboutit。
"Youwereassaultedwithoutprovocation，ofcourse，"saidtheDistrictAttorney，preparingtosetdowntheanswer。
"No，"repliedtheDyingMan，"Iwastheaggressor。"
"Yes，Iunderstand，"saidtheDistrictAttorney；"youcommittedtheaggression—youwerecompelledto，asitwere。Youdiditinself—defence。"
"Idon’tthinkhewouldhavehurtmeifIhadlethimalone，"saidtheother。"No，Ifancyhewasamanofpeace，andwouldnothavehurtafly。Ibroughtsuchapressuretobearonhimthathenaturallyhadtoyield—hecouldn’tholdout。IfhehadrefusedtoshootmeIdon’tseehowIcoulddecentlyhavecontinuedhisacquaintance。"
"GoodHeavens!"exclaimedtheDistrictAttorney，throwingdownhisnote—bookandpencil；"thisisallquiteirregular。Ican’tmakeuseofsuchanante—mortemstatementasthat。"
"Ineverbeforeknewamantotellthetruth，"saidtheChiefofPolice，"whendyingofviolence。"
"Violencenothing!"thePoliceSurgeonsaid，pullingoutandinspectingtheman’stongue—"itisthetruththatiskillinghim。"
TheMassacreSOMEHolyMissionariesinChinahavingbeendeprivedoflifebytheBigotedHeathens，theChristianPressmadeanoteofit，andwasgreatlypainedtopointoutthecontrastbetweentheBigotedHeathensandthelaw—abidingcountrymenoftheHolyMissionarieswhohadwickedlybeensenttoeternalbliss。
"Yes，"assentedaMiserableSinner，ashefinishedreadingthearticles，"theHeathensofYingShingaredeceitfulaboveallthingsanddesperatelywicked。Bytheway，"headded，turningoverthepapertoreadtheentertainingandinstructiveFables，"IknowtheHeatheneselingo。YingShingmeansRockCreek；itisintheProvinceofWyoMing。"
AShipandaManSEEINGashipsailingbyupontheseaofpolitics，anAmbitiousPersonstartedinhotpursuitalongthestrand；butthepeople’seyesbeingfixeduponthePresidencynooneobservedthepursuer。
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