Thatwhichishardworkisnopleasure。“Thelittlemaidsmiled，andherlovelymistresssaidtoher，“Ishouldliketoseeyouinmyplace。“Thenthemaidlaughed，saying——
“Bequiet，Madame，heisthere。“
“Who？”
“Yourhusband。“
“Which？”
“Therealone。“
“Chut！”saidMadame。
Andhermaidtoldherthewholestory，wishingtokeepherfavourandthe12，000crownsaswell。
“Ohwell，heshallhavehismoney'sworth。I'llgivehisdesirestimetocool。IfhetastesmemayIlosemybeautyandbecomeasuglyasamonkey'sbaby。Yougetintobedinmyplaceandthusgainthe12，000
crowns。GoandtellhimthathemusttakehimselfoffearlyinthemorninginorderthatImaynotfindoutyourtrickuponme，andjustbeforedawnIwillgetinbyhisside。“
Thepoorhusbandwasfreezingandhisteethwerechattering，andthechambermaidcomingtothecupboardonpretenceofgettingsomelinen，saidtohim，“Yourhourofblissapproaches。Madameto-nighthasmadegrandpreparationsandyouwillbewellserved。Butworkwithoutwhistling，otherwiseIshallbelost。“
Atlast，whenthegoodhusbandwasonthepointofperishingwithcold，thelightswereputout。Themaidcriedsoftlyinthecurtainstotheking'ssweetheart，thathislordshipwasthere，andjumpedintobed，whilehermistresswentoutasifshehadbeenthechambermaid。
Theadvocate，releasedfromhiscoldhiding-place，rolledrapturouslyintothewarmsheets，thinkingtohimself，“Oh！thisisgood！”Totellthetruth，themaidgavehimhismoney'sworth——andthegoodmanthoughtofthedifferencebetweentheprofusionoftheroyalhousesandtheniggardlywaysofthecitizens'wives。Theservantlaughing，playedherpartmarvellouslywell，regalingtheknavewithgentlecries，shiverings，convulsionsandtossingsabout，likeanewly-caughtfishonthegrass，givinglittleAh！Ah's！indefaultofotherwords；
andasoftenastherequestwasmadebyher，sooftenwasitcompliedwithbytheadvocate，whodroppedoftosleepatlast，likeanemptypocket。Butbeforefinishing，theloverwhowishedtopreserveasouvenirofthissweetnightoflove，byadextrousturn，pluckedoutoneofhiswife'shairs，wherefromIknownot，seeingIwasnotthere，andkeptinhishandthispreciousgaugeofthewarmvirtueofthatlovelycreature。Towardsthemorning，whenthecockcrew，thewifeslippedinbesideherhusband，andpretendedtosleep。Thenthemaidtappedgentlyonthehappyman'sforehead，whisperinginhisear，“Itistime，getintoyourclothesandoffyougo——it'sdaylight。“Thegoodmangrievedtolosehistreasure，andwishedtoseethesourceofhisvanishedhappiness。
“Oh！Oh！”saidhe，proceedingtocomparecertainthings，“I'vegotlighthair，andthisisdark。“
“Whathaveyoudone？”saidtheservant；“Madamewillseeshehasbeenduped。“
“Butlook。“
“Ah！”saidshe，withanairofdisdain，“doyounotknow，youwhoknowseverything，thatthatwhichispluckeddiesanddiscolours？”andthereuponroaringwithlaughteratthegoodjoke，shepushedhimoutofdoors。Thisbecameknown。Thepooradvocate，namedFeron，diedofshame，seeingthathewastheonlyonewhohadnothisownwifewhileshe，whowasfromthiswascalledLaBelleFeroniere，married，afterleavingtheking，ayounglord，CountofBuzancois。Andinherolddaysshewouldrelatethestory，laughinglyadding，thatshehadneverscentedtheknave'sflavour。
Thisteachesusnottoattachourselvesmorethanwecanhelptowiveswhorefusetosupportouryoke。
THEDEVIL'SHEIR
ThereoncewasagoodoldcanonofNotreDamedeParis，wholivedinafinehouseofhisown，nearSt。Pierre-aux-Boeufs，intheParvis。ThiscanonhadcomeasimplepriesttoParis，nakedasadaggerwithoutitssheath。Butsincehewasfoundtobeahandsomeman，wellfurnishedwitheverything，andsowellconstituted，thatifnecessaryhewasabletodotheworkofmany，withoutdoinghimselfmuchharm，hegavehimselfupearnestlytotheconfessingofladies，givingtothemelancholyagentleabsolution，tothesickadrachmofhisbalm，toallsomelittledainty。Hewassowellknownforhisdiscretion，hisbenevolence，andotherecclesiasticalqualities，thathehadcustomersatCourt。Theninordernottoawakenthejealousyoftheofficials，thatofthehusbandsandothers，inshort，toendowwithsanctitythesegoodandprofitablepractices，theLadyDesquerdesgavehimaboneofSt。Victor，byvirtueofwhichallthemiracleswereperformed。Andtothecuriousitwassaid，“Hehasabonewhichwillcureeverything；“andtothis，noonefoundanythingtoreply，becauseitwasnotseemlytosuspectrelics。Beneaththeshadeofhiscassock，thegoodpriesthadthebestofreputations，thatofamanvaliantunderarms。Sohelivedlikeaking。Hemademoneywithholywater；
sprinkleditandtransmittedtheholywaterintogoodwine。Morethanthat，hisnamelaysnuglyinalltheetceterasofthenotaries，inwillsorincaudicils，whichcertainpeoplehavefalselywrittenCODICIL，seeingthatthewordisderivedfromcauda，asiftosaythetailofthelegacy。Infact，thegoodoldLongSkirtswouldhavebeenmadeanarchbishopifhehadonlysaidinjoke，“Ishouldliketoputonamitreforahandkerchiefinordertohavemyheadwarmer。“Ofallthebeneficesofferedtohim，hechoseonlyasimplecanon'sstalltokeepthegoodprofitsoftheconfessional。Butonedaythecourageouscanonfoundhimselfweakintheback，seeingthathewasallsixty-
eightyearsold，andhadheldmanyconfessionals。Thenthinkingoverallhisgoodworks，hethoughtitabouttimetoceasehisapostoliclabours，themoreso，ashepossessedaboutonehundredthousandcrownsearnedbythesweatofhisbody。Fromthatdayheonlyconfessedladiesofhighlineage，anddiditverywell。SothatitwassaidatCourtthatinspiteoftheeffortsofthebestyoungclerkstherewasstillnoonebuttheCanonofSt。Pierre-aux-Boeufstoproperlybleachthesoulofaladyofcondition。Thenatlengththecanonbecamebyforceofnatureafinenonagenarian，snowyaboutthehead，withtremblinghands，butsquareasatower，havingspatsomuchwithoutcoughing，thathecoughednowwithoutbeingabletospit；nolongerrisingfromhischair，hewhohadsooftenrisenforhumanity；
butdrinkingdry，eatingheartily，sayingnothing，buthavingalltheappearanceofalivingCanonofNotreDame。Seeingtheimmobilityoftheaforesaidcanon；seeingthestoriesofhisevillifewhichforsometimehadcirculatedamongthecommonpeople，alwaysignorant；
seeinghisdumbseclusion，hisflourishinghealth，hisyoungoldage，andotherthingstoonumeroustomention——therewerecertainpeoplewhotodothemarvellousandinjureourholyreligion，wentaboutsayingthatthetruecanonwaslongsincedead，andthatformorethanfiftyyearsthedevilhadtakenpossessionoftheoldpriest'sbody。
Infact，itseemedtohisformercustomersthatthedevilcouldonlybyhisgreatheathavefurnishedthesehermeticdistillations，thattheyrememberedtohaveobtainedondemandfromthisgoodconfessor，whoalwayshadlediableaucorps。Butasthisdevilhadbeenundoubtedlycookedandruinedbythem，andthatforaqueenoftwentyyearshewouldnothavemoved，well-disposedpeopleandthosenotwantinginsense，orthecitizenswhoarguedabouteverything，peoplewhofoundliceinbaldheads，demandedwhythedevilrestedundertheformofacanon，wenttotheChurchofNotreDameatthehourswhenthecanonsusuallygo，andventuredsofarastosnifftheperfumeoftheincense，tastetheholywater，andathousandotherthings。Tothesehereticalpropositionssomesaidthatdoubtlessthedevilwishedtoconverthimself，andothersthatheremainedintheshapeofthecanontomockatthethreenephewsandheirsofthissaidbraveconfessorandmakethemwaituntilthedayoftheirowndeathfortheamplesuccessionofthisuncle，towhomtheypaidgreatattentioneveryday，goingtolookifthegoodmanhadhiseyesopen，andinfactfoundhimalwayswithhiseyeclear，bright，andpiercingastheeyeofabasilisk，whichpleasedthemgreatly，sincetheylovedtheiruncleverymuch——inwords。Onthissubjectanoldwomanrelatedthatforcertainthecanonwasthedevil，becausehistwonephews，theprocureurandthecaptain，conductingtheiruncleatnight，withoutalamp，orlantern，returningfromasupperatthepenitentiary's，hadcausedhimbyaccidenttotumbleoveraheapofstonesgatheredtogethertoraisethestatueofSt。Christopher。Atfirsttheoldmanhadstruckfireinfalling，butwas，amidthecriesofhisdearnephewsandbythelightofthetorchestheycametoseekatherhousefoundstandingupasstraightasaskittleandasgayasaweavingwhirl，exclaimingthatthegoodwineofthepenitentiaryhadgivenhimthecouragetosustainthisshockandthathisboneswereexceedinglyhardandhadsustainedrudeassaults。Thegoodnephewsbelievinghimdead，weremuchastonished，andperceivedthatthedaythatwastodispatchtheirunclewasalongwayoff，seeingthatatthebusinessstoneswereofnouse。Sothattheydidnotfalselycallhimtheirgooduncle，seeingthathewasofgoodquality。Certainscandalmongerssaidthatthecanonfoundsomanystonesinhispaththathestayedathomenottobeillwiththestone，andthefearofworsewasthecauseofhisseclusion。
Ofallthesesayingsandrumours，itremainsthattheoldcanon，devilornot，kepthishouse，andrefusedtodie，andhadthreeheirswithwhomhelivedaswithhissciaticas，lumbagos，andotherappendageofhumanlife。Ofthesaidthreeheirs，onewasthewickedestsoldiereverbornofawoman，andhemusthaveconsiderablyhurtherinbreakinghisegg，sincehewasbornwithteethandbristles。Sothatheate，two-fold，forthepresentandthefuture，keepingwencheswhosecosthepaid；inheritingfromhisunclethecontinuance，strength，andgooduseofthatwhichisoftenofservice。Ingreatbattles，heendeavouredalwaystogiveblowswithoutreceivingthem，whichis，andalwayswillbe，theonlyproblemtosolveinwar，butheneversparedhimselfthere，and，infact，ashehadnoothervirtueexcepthisbravery，hewascaptainofacompanyoflancers，andmuchesteemedbytheDukeofBurgoyne，whonevertroubledwhathissoldiersdidelsewhere。ThisnephewofthedevilwasnamedCaptainCochegrue；
andhiscreditors，theblockheads，citizens，andothers，whosepocketsheslit，calledhimtheMau-cinge，sincehewasasmischievousasstrong；buthehadmoreoverhisbackspoiltbythenaturalinfirmityofahump，anditwouldhavebeenunwisetoattempttomountthereontogetagoodview，forhewouldincontestablyhaverunyouthrough。
Thesecondhadstudiedthelaws，andthroughthefavourofhisunclehadbecomeaprocureur，andpractisedatthepalace，wherehedidthebusinessoftheladies，whomformerlythecanonhadthebestconfessed。ThisonewascalledPille-grue，tobanterhimuponhisrealname，whichwasCochegrue，likethatofhisbrotherthecaptain。
Pille-gruehadaleanbody，seemedtothrowoffverycoldwater，waspaleofface，andpossessedaphysiognomylikeapolecat。
Thisnotwithstanding，hewasworthmanyapennymorethanthecaptain，andhadforhisunclealittleaffection，butsinceabouttwoyearshishearthadcrackedalittle，anddropbydrophisgratitudehadrunout，insuchawaythatfromtimetotime，whentheairwasdamp，helikedtoputhisfeetintohisuncle'shose，andpressinadvancethejuiceofthisgoodinheritance。Heandhisbrother，thesoldierfoundtheirshareverysmall，sinceloyally，inlaw，infact，injustice，innature，andinreality，itwasnecessarytogivethethirdpartofeverythingtoapoorcousin，sonofanothersisterofthecanon，thewhichheir，butlittlelovedbythegoodman，remainedinthecountry，wherehewasashepherd，nearNanterre。
Theguardianofbeasts，anordinarypeasant，cametotownbytheadviceofhistwocousins，whoplacedhimintheiruncle'shouse，inthehopethat，asmuchbyhissillytricksandhisclumsiness，hiswantofbrain，andhisignorance，hewouldbedispleasingtothecanon，whowouldkickhimoutofhiswill。NowthispoorChiquon，astheshepherdwasnamed，hadlivedaboutamonthalonewithhisolduncle，andfindingmoreprofitormoreamusementinmindinganabbotthanlookingaftersheep，madehimselfthecanon'sdog，hisservant，thestaffofhisoldage，saying，“Godkeepyou，“whenhepassedwind，“Godsaveyou，“whenhesneezed，and“Godguardyou，“whenhebelched；
goingtoseeifitrained，wherethecatwas，remainingsilent，listening，speaking，receivingthecoughsoftheoldmaninhisface，admiringhimasthefinestcanonthereeverwasintheworld，allheartilyandingoodfaith，knowingthathewaslickinghimafterthemannerofanimalswhocleantheiryoungones；andtheuncle，whostoodinnoneedoflearningwhichsidethebreadwasbuttered，repulsedpoorChiquon，makinghimturnaboutlikeadie，alwayscallinghimChiquon，andalwayssayingtohisothernephewsthatthisChiquonwashelpingtokillhim，suchanumskullwashe。Thereupon，hearingthis，Chiquondeterminedtodowellbyhisuncle，andpuzzledhisunderstandingtoappearbetter；butashehadabehindshapedlikeapairofpumpkins，wasbroadshouldered，largelimbed，andfarfromsharp，hemoreresembledoldSilenusthanagentleZephyr。Infact，thepoorshepherd，asimpleman，couldnotreformhimself，soheremainedbigandfat，awaitinghisinheritancetomakehimselfthin。
Oneeveningthecanonbegandiscoursingconcerningthethedevilandthegraveagonies，penances，tortures，etc。，whichGodwillgetwarmfortheaccursed，andthegoodChiquonhearingit，begantoopenhiseyesaswideasthedoorofanoven，atthestatement，withoutbelievingawordofit。
“What，“saidthecanon，“areyounotaChristian？”
“Inthat，yes，“answeredChiquon。
“Well，thereisaparadiseforthegood；isitnotnecessarytohaveahellforthewicked？”
“Yes，Mr。Canon；butthedevil'sofnouse。Ifyouhadhereawickedmanwhoturnedeverythingupsidedown；wouldyounotkickhimoutofdoors？”
“Yes，Chiquon。“
“Oh，well，mineuncle；Godwouldbeverystupidtoleaveinthethisworld，whichhehassocuriouslyconstructed，anabominabledevilwhosespecialbusinessitistospoileverythingforhim。Pish！I
recognisenodeviliftherebeagoodGod；youmaydependuponthat。I
shouldverymuchliketoseethedevil。Ha，ha！Iamnotafraidofhisclaws！”
“AndifIwereofyouropinionIshouldhavenocareofmyveryyouthfulyearsinwhichIheldconfessionsatleasttentimesaday。“
“Confessagain，Mr。Canon。Iassureyouthatwillbeapreciousmeritonhigh。“
“There，there！Doyoumeanit？”
“Yes，Mr。Canon。“
“Thoudostnottremble，Chiquon，todenythedevil？”
“Itroublenomoreaboutitthanasheafofcorn。“
“Thedoctrinewillbringmisfortuneuponyou。“
“Bynomeans。GodwilldefendmefromthedevilbecauseIbelievehimmorelearnedandlessstupidthanthesavansmakehimout。“
Thereuponthetwoothernephewsentered，andperceivingfromthevoiceofthecanonthathedidnotdislikeChiquonverymuch，andthatthejeremiadswhichhehadmadeconcerninghimweresimpletrickstodisguisetheaffectionwhichheborehim，lookedateachotheringreatastonishment。
Then，seeingtheirunclelaughing，theysaidtohim——
“Ifyouwillmakeawill，towhomwillyouleavethehouse？
“ToChiquon。“
“AndthequitrentoftheRueSt。Denys？”
“ToChiquon。“
“AndthefiefofVilleParisis？”
“ToChiquon。“
“But，“saidthecaptain，withhisbigvoice，“everythingthenwillbeChiquon's。“
“No，“repliedthecanon，smiling，“becauseIshallhavemademywillinproperform，theinheritancewillbetothesharpestofyouthree；
Iamsoneartothefuture，thatIcanthereinseeclearlyyourdestinies。“
AndthewilycanoncastuponChiquonaglancefullofmalice，likeadecoybirdwouldhavethrownuponalittleonetodrawhimintohernet。Thefireofhisflamingeyeenlightenedtheshepherd，whofromthatmomenthadhisunderstandingandhisearsallunfogged，andhisbrainopen，likethatofamaidenthedayafterhermarriage。Theprocureurandthecaptain，takingthesesayingsforgospelprophecies，madetheirbowandwentoutfromthehouse，quiteperplexedattheabsurddesignsofthecanon。
“WhatdoyouthinkofChiquon？”saidPille-gruetoMau-cinge。
“Ithink，Ithink，“saidthesoldier，growling，“thatIthinkofhidingmyselfintheRued'Hierusalem，toputhisheadbelowhisfeet；
hecanpickitupagainifhelikes。“
“Oh，oh！”saidtheprocureur，“youhaveawayofwoundingthatiseasilyrecognised，andpeoplewouldsay'It'sCochegrue。'Asforme，I
thoughttoinvitehimtodinner，afterwhich，wewouldplayatputtingourselvesinasackinordertosee，astheydoatCourt，whocouldwalkbestthusattired。Thenhavingsewnhimup，wecouldthrowhimintotheSeine，atthesametimebegginghimtoswim。“
“Thismustbewellmatured，“repliedthesoldier。
“Oh！it'squiteripe，“saidtheadvocate。“Thecousingonetothedevil，theheritagewouldthenbebetweenustwo。“
“I'mquiteagreeable，“saidthefighter，“butwemuststickasclosetogetherasthetwolegsofthesamebody，forifyouarefineassilk，Iasstrongassteel，anddaggersarealwaysasgoodastraps——
youhearthat，mygoodbrother。“
“Yes，“saidtheadvocate，“thecauseisheard——nowshallitbethethreadortheiron？”
“Eh？ventredeDieu！isitthenakingthatwearegoingtosettle？
Forasimplenumskullofashepherdaresomanywordsnecessary？Come！
20，000francsoutoftheHeritagetotheoneofuswhoshallfirstcuthimoff：I'llsaytohimingoodfaith，'Pickupyourhead。'“
“AndI，'Swimmyfriend，'“criedtheadvocate，laughinglikethegapofapourpoint。
Andthentheywenttosupper，thecaptaintohiswench，andtheadvocatetothehouseofajeweller'swife，ofwhomhewasthelover。
Whowasastonished？Chiquon！Thepoorshepherdheardtheplanningofhisdeath，althoughthetwocousinshadwalkedintheparvis，andtalkedtoeachotheraseveryonespeaksatchurchwhenprayingtoGod。SothatChiquonwasmuchcoupledtoknowifthewordshadcomeuporifhisearshadgonedown。
“Doyouhear，MisterCanon？”
“Yes，“saidhe，“Ihearthewoodcracklinginthefire。“
“Ho，ho！”repliedChiquon，“ifIdon'tbelieveinthedevil，IbelieveinSt。Michael，myguardianangel；Igotherewherehecallsme。“
“Go，mychild，“saidthecanon，“andtakecarenottowetyourself，nortogetyourheadknockedoff，forIthinkIhearmorerain，andthebeggarsinthestreetarenotalwaysthemostdangerousbeggars。“
AtthesewordsChiquonwasmuchastonished，andstaredatthecanon；
foundhismannergay，hiseyesharp，andhisfeetcrooked；butashehadtoarrangemattersconcerningthedeathwhichmenacedhim，hethoughttohimselfthathewouldalwayshaveleisuretoadmirethecanon，ortocuthisnails，andhetrottedoffquicklythroughthetown，asalittlewomantrotstowardsherpleasure。
Histwocousinshavingnopresumptionofthedivinatoryscience，ofwhichshepherdshavehadmanypassingattacks，hadoftentalkedbeforehimoftheirsecretgoingson，countinghimasnothing。
Nowoneevening，toamusethecanon，Pille-gruehadrecountedtohimhowhadfalleninlovewithhimawifeofajewelleronwhoseheadhehadadjustedcertaincarved，burnished，sculptured，historicalhorns，fitforthebrowofaprince。Thegoodladywastohearhim，arightmerrywench，quickatopportunities，givinganembracewhileherhusbandwasmountingthestairs，devouringthecommodityasifshewasswallowingaastrawberry，onlythinkingoflove-making，alwaystriflingandfrisky，gayasanhonestwomanwholacksnothing，contentingherhusband，whocherishedhersomuchashelovedhisowngullet；subtleasaperfume，somuchso，thatforfiveyearsshemanagedsowellwithhishouseholdaffairs，andherownloveaffairs，thatshehadthereputationofaprudentwoman，theconfidenceofherhusband，thekeysofthehouse，thepurse，andall。
“Andwhendoyouplayuponthisgentleflute？”saidthecanon。
“EveryeveningandsometimesIstayallthenight。“
“Buthow？”saidthecanon，astonished。
“Thisishow。Thereisaroomcloseto，achestintowhichIget。Whenthegoodhusbandreturnsfromhisfriendthedraper's，wherehegoestosuppereveryevening，becauseoftenhehelpsthedraper'swifeinherwork，mymistresspleadsaslightillness，letshimgotobedalone，andcomestodoctorhermaladyintheroomwherethechestis。
Onthemorrow，whenmyjewellerisathisforge，Idepart，andasthehousehasoneexitontothebridge，andanotherintothestreet，I
alwayscometothedoorwhenthehusbandisnot，onthepretextofspeakingtohimofhissuits，whichcommencejoyfullyandheartily，andIneverletthemcometoanend。Itisanincomefromcuckoldom，seeingthatintheminorexpensesandloyalcostsoftheproceedings，hespendsasmuchasonthehorsesinhisstable。Helovesmewell，asallgoodcuckoldsshouldlovethemanwhoaidsthem，toplant，cultivate，wateranddigthenaturalgardenofVenus，andhedoesnothingwithoutme。“
Nowthesepracticescamebackagaintothememoryoftheshepherd，whowasilluminatedbythelightissuingfromhisdanger，andcounselledbytheintelligenceofthosemeasuresofself-preservation，ofwhicheveryanimalpossessesasufficientdosetogototheendofhisballoflife。SoChiquongainedwithhastyfeettheRuedelaCalandre，wherethejewellershouldbesuppingwithhiscompanion，andafterhavingknockedatthedoor，repliedtoquestionputtohimthroughthelittlegrill，thathewasamessengeronstatesecrets，andwasadmittedtothedraper'shouse。Nowcomingstraighttothefact，hemadethehappyjewellergetupfromhistable，ledhimtoacorner，andsaidtohim：“Ifoneofyourneighbourshadplantedahornonyourforeheadandhewasdeliveredtoyou，boundhandandfoot，wouldyouthrowhimintotheriver？”
“Rather，“saidthejeweller，“butifyouaremockingmeI'llgiveyouagooddrubbing。“
“There，there！”repliedChiquon，“Iamoneofyourfriendsandcometowarnyouthatasmanytimesasyouhaveconversedwiththedraper'swifehere，asoftenhasyourownwifebeenservedthesamewaybytheadvocatePille-grue，andifyouwillcomebacktoyourforge，youwillfindagoodfirethere。Onyourarrival，hewholooksafteryouryou-
know-what，tokeepitingoodorder，getsintothebigclotheschest。
NowmakeapretencethatIhaveboughtthesaidchestofyou，andI
willbeuponthebridgewithacart，waitingyourorders。“
Thesaidjewellertookhiscloakandhishat，andpartedcompanywithhiscronywithoutsayingaword，andrantohisholelikeapoisonedrat。Hearrivesandknocks，thedoorisopened，herunshastilyupthestairs，findstwocoverslaid，seeshiswifecomingoutofthechamberoflove，andthensaystoher，“Mydear，herearetwocoverslaid。“
“Well，mydarlingarewenottwo？”
“No，“saidhe，“wearethree。“
“Isyourfriendcoming？”saidshe，lookingtowardsthestairswithperfectinnocence。
“No，Ispeakofthefriendwhoisinthechest。“
“Whatchest？”saidshe。“Areyouinyoursoundsenses？Wheredoyouseeachest？Istheusualtoputfriendsinchests？AmIawomantokeepchestsfulloffriends？Howlonghavefriendsbeenkeptinchests？Areyoucomehomemadtomixupyourfriendswithyourchests？
IknownootherfriendthenMasterCornillethedraper，andnootherchestthantheonewithourclothesin。“
“Oh！，“saidthejeweller，“mygoodwoman，thereisabadyoungman，whohascometowarnmethatyouallowyourselftobeembracedbyouradvocate，andthatheisinthechest。“
“I！”saidshe，“Iwouldnotputupwithhisknavery，hedoeseverythingthewrongway。“
“There，there，mydear，“repliedthejeweller，“Iknowyoutobeagoodwoman，andwon'thaveasquabblewithyouaboutthispaltrychest。Thegiverofthewarningisabox-maker，towhomIamabouttosellthiscursedchestthatIwishneveragaintoseeinmyhouse，andforthisonehewillsellmetwoprettylittleones，inwhichtherewillnotbespaceenoughevenforachild；thusthescandalandthebabbleofthoseenviousofyourvirtuewillbeextinguishedforwantofnourishment。“
“Yougivemegreatpleasure，“saidshe；“Idon'tattachanyvaluetomychest，andbychancethereisnothinginit。Ourlinenisatthewash。Itwillbeeasytohavethemischievouschesttakenawaytomorrowmorning。Willyousup？”
“Notatall，“saidhe，“Ishallsupwithabetterappetitewithoutthechest。“
“Isee，“saidshe，“thatyouwon'teasilygetthechestoutofyourhead。“
“Halloa，there！”saidthejewellertohissmithsandapprentices；
“comedown！”
Inthetwinklingofaneyehispeoplewerebeforehim。Thenhe，theirmaster，havingbrieflyorderedthehandlingofthesaidchest，thispieceoffurniturededicatedtolovewastumbledacrosstheroom，butinpassingtheadvocate，findinghisfeetintheairtothewhichhewasnotaccustomed，tumbledoveralittle。
“Goon，“saidthewife，“goon，it'sthelidshaking。“
“No，mydear，it'sthebolt。“
Andwithoutanyotheroppositionthechestslidgentlydownthestairs。
“Hothere，carrier！”saidthejeweller，andChiquoncamewhistlinghismules，andthegoodapprenticesliftedthelitigiouschestintothecart。
“Hi，hi！”saidtheadvocate。
“Master，thechestisspeaking，“saidanapprentice。
“Inwhatlanguage？”saidthejeweller，givinghimagoodkickbetweentwofeaturesthatluckilywerenotmadeofglass。Theapprenticetumbledoverontoastairinawaythatinducedhimtodiscontinuehisstudiesinthelanguageofchests。Theshepherd，accompaniedbythegoodjeweller，carriedallthebaggagetothewater-sidewithoutlisteningtothehigheloquenceofthespeakingwood，andhavingtiedseveralstonestoit，thejewellerthrewitintotheSeine。
“Swim，myfriend，“criedtheshepherd，inavoicesufficientlyjeeringatthemomentwhenthechestturnedover，givingaprettylittleplungelikeaduck。
ThenChiqouncontinuedtoproceedalongthequay，asfarastheRue-
du-port，StLaudry，nearthecloistersofNotreDame。Therehenoticedahouse，recognisedthedoor，andknockedloudly。
“Open，“saidhe，“openbyorderoftheking。“
HearingthisanoldmanwhowasnootherthanthefamousLombard，Versoris，rantothedoor。
“Whatisit？”saidhe。
“Iamsentbytheprovosttowarnyoutokeepgoodwatchtonight，“
repliedChiquon，“asforhisownparthewillkeephisarchersready。
Thehunchbackwhohasrobbedyouhascomebackagain。Keepunderarms，forheisquitecapableofeasingyouoftherest。“
Havingsaidthis，thegoodshepherdtooktohisheelsandrantotheRuedesMarmouzets，tothehousewhereCaptainCochegruewasfeastingwithLaPasquerette，theprettiestoftown-girls，andthemostcharminginperversitythateverwas；accordingtoallthegayladies，herglancewassharpandpiercingasthestabofadagger。Herappearancewassoticklingtothesight，thatitwouldhaveputallParadisetorout。Besideswhichshewasasboldasawomanwhohasnoothervirtuethanherinsolence。PoorChiquonwasgreatlyembarrassedwhilegoingtothequarteroftheMarmouzets。HewasgreatlyafraidthathewouldbeunabletofindthehouseofLaPasquerette，orfindthetwopigeonsgonetoroost，butagoodangelarrangedtherespeedilytohissatisfaction。Thisishow。OnenteringtheRuedesMarmouzetshesawseverallightsatthewindowsandnight-cappedheadsthrustout，andgoodwenches，gaygirls，housewives，husbands，andyoungladies，allofthemarejustoutofbed，lookingateachotherasifarobberwerebeingledtoexecutionbytorchlight。
“What'sthematter？”saidtheshepherdtoacitizenwhoingreathastehadrushedtothedoorwithachamberutensilinhishand。
“Oh！it'snothing，“repliedthegoodman。“WethoughtitwastheArmagnacsdescendinguponthetown，butit'sonlyMau-cingebeatingLaPasquerette。“
“Where？”askedtheshepherd。
“Belowthere，atthatfinehousewherethepillarshavethemouthsofflyingfrogsdelicatelycarveduponthem。Doyouhearthevarletsandtheservingmaids？”
Andinfacttherewasnothingbutcriesof“Murder！Help！Comesomeone！”andinthehouseblowsrainingdownandtheMau-cingesaidwithhisgruffvoice：
“Deathtothewench！Ah，yousingoutnow，doyou？Ah，youwantyourmoneynow，doyou？Takethat——“
AndLaPasquerettewasgroaning，“Oh！oh！Idie！Help！Help！Oh！oh！”
Thencametheblowofaswordandtheheavyfallofalightbodyofthefairgirlsounded，andwasfollowedbyagreatsilence，afterwhichthelightswereputout，servants，waitingwomen，roysterers，andotherswentinagain，andtheshepherdwhohadcomeopportunelymountedthestairsincompanywiththem，butonbeholdingintheroomabovebrokenglasses，slitcarpets，andtheclothonthefloorwiththedishes，everyoneremainedatadistance。
Theshepherd，boldasamanwithbutoneendinview，openedthedoorofthehandsomechamberwheresleptLaPasquerette，andfoundherquiteexhausted，herhairdishevelled，andhernecktwisted，lyinguponabloodycarpet，andMau-cingefrightened，withhistoneconsiderablylower，andnotknowinguponwhatnotetosingtheremainderofhisanthem。
“Come，mylittlePasquerette，don'tpretendtobedead。Come，letmeputyoutidy。Ah！littleminx，deadoralive，youlooksoprettyinyourbloodI'mgoingtokissyou。“Havingsaidwhichthecunningsoldiertookherandthrewheruponthebed，butshefellthereallofaheap，andstiffasthebodyofamanthathadbeenhanged。Seeingwhichhercompanionfounditwastimeforhishumptoretirefromthegame；however，theartfulfellowbeforeslinkingawaysaid，“PoorPasquerette，howcouldImurdersogoodofgirl，andoneIlovedsomuch？But，yes，Ihavekilledher，thethingisclear，forinherlifeneverdidhersweetbreasthangdownlikethat。GoodGod，onewouldsayitwasacrownatthebottomofawallet。ThereuponPasqueretteopenedhereyesandthenbentherheadslightlytolookatherflesh，whichwaswhiteandfirm，andshebroughtherselftolifebyaboxontheears，administeredtothecaptain。
“Thatwillteachyoutobewareofthedead，“saidshe，smiling。
“Andwhydidhekillyou，mycousin？”askedtheshepherd。
“Why？Tomorrowthebailiffsseizeeverythingthat'shere，andhewhohasnomoremoneythanvirtue，reproachedmebecauseIwishedtobeagreeabletoahandsomegentlemen，whowouldsavemefromthehandsofjustice。
“Pasquerette，I'llbreakeveryboneinyourskin。“
“There，there！”saidChiquon，whomtheMau-cingehadjustrecognised，“isthatall？Oh，well，mygoodfriend，Ibringyoualargesum。“
“Wherefrom？”askedthecaptain，astonished。
“Comehere，andletmewhisperinyourear——if30，000crownswerewalkingaboutatnightundertheshadowofapear-tree，wouldyounotstoopdowntopluckthem，topreventthemspoiling？”
“Chiquon，I'llkillyoulikeadogifyouaremakinggameofme，orI
willkissyoutherewhereyoulikeit，ifyouwillputmeopposite30，000crowns，evenwhenitshallbenecessarytokillthreecitizensatthecorneroftheQuay。“
“Youwillnotevenkillone。Thisishowthematterstands。Ihaveforasweetheartinallloyalty，theservantoftheLombardwhoisinthecitynearthehouseofourgooduncle。NowIhavejustlearnedonsoundinformationthatthisdearmanhasdepartedthismorningintothecountryafterhavinghiddenunderapear-treeinhisgardenagoodbushelofgold，believinghimselftobeseenonlybytheangels。Butthegirlwhohadbychanceabadtoothache，andwastakingtheairathergarretwindow，spiedtheoldcrookshanks，withoutwishingtodoso，andchatteredofittomeinfondness。IfyouwillsweartogivemeagoodshareIwilllendyoumyshouldersinorderthatyoumayclimbontothetopofthewallandfromtherethrowyourselfintothepear-tree，whichisagainstthewall。There，nowdoyousaythatIamablockhead，ananimal？”
“No，youarearightloyalcousin，anhonestman，andifyouhaveevertoputanenemyoutofftheway，Iamthere，readytokillevenoneofmyownfriendsforyou。Iamnolongeryourcousin，butyourbrother。
Hothere！sweetheart，“criedMau-cingetoLaPasquerette，“putthetablesstraight，wipeupyourblood，itbelongstome，andI'llpayyouforitbygivingyouahundredtimesasmuchofmineasIhavetakenofthine。Makethebestofit，shaketheblackdog，offyourback，adjustyourpetticoats，laugh，Iwishit，looktothestew，andletusrecommenceoureveningprayerwhereweleftitoff。TomorrowI'llmaketheebraverthanaqueen。ThisismycousinwhomIwishtoentertain，evenwhentodosoitwerenecessarytoturnthehouseoutofwindows。Weshallgetbackeverythingtomorrowinthecellars。
Come，fallto！”
Thus，andinlesstimethanittakesapriesttosayhisDominusvobiscum，thewholerookerypassedfromtearstolaughterasithadpreviouslyfromlaughtertotears。Itisonlyinthesehousesofill-
famethatloveismadewiththeblowofadagger，andwheretempestsofjoyragebetweenfourwalls。Butthesearethingsladiesofthehigh-neckdressdonotunderstand。
ThesaidcaptainCochegruewasgayasahundredschoolboysatthebreakingupofclass，andmadehisgoodcousindrinkdeeply，whospilledeverythingcountryfashion，andpretendedtobedrunk，splutteringoutahundredstupidities，as，that“tomorrowhewouldbuyParis，wouldlendahundredthousandcrownstotheking，thathewouldbeabletorollingold；“infact，talkedsomuchnonsensethatthecaptain，fearingsomecompromisingavowalandthinkinghisbrainquitemuddledenough，ledhimoutsidewiththegoodintention，insteadofsharingwithhim，ofrippingChiquonopentoseeifhehadnotaspongeinhisstomach，becausehehadjustsoakedinabigquartofthegoodwineofSuresne。Theywentalong，disputingaboutathousandtheologicalsubjectswhichgotverymuchmixedup，andfinishedbyrollingquietlyupagainstthegardenwherewerethecrownsoftheLombard。ThenCochegrue，makingaladderofChiquon'sbroadshoulders，jumpedontothepear-treelikeamanexpertinattacksupontowns，butVersoris，whowaswatchinghim，madeablowathisneck，andrepeateditsovigorouslythatwiththreeblowsfelltheupperportionofthesaidCochegrue，butnotuntilhehadheardtheclearvoiceoftheshepherd，whocriedtohim，“Pickupyourhead，myfriend。“
ThereuponthegenerousChiquon，inwhomvirtuereceiveditsrecompense，thoughtitwouldbewisetoreturntothehouseofthegoodcanon，whoseheritagewasbythegraceofGodconsiderablysimplified。ThushegainedtheRueSt。Pierre-Aux-Boeufswithallspeed，andsoonsleptlikeanew-bornbaby，nolongerknowingthemeaningoftheword“cousin-german。“Now，onthemorrowheroseaccordingtothehabitofshepherds，withthesun，andcameintohisuncle'sroomtoinquireifhespatwhite，ifhecoughed，ifhehadsleptwell；buttheoldservanttoldhimthatthecanon，hearingthebellsofStMaurice，thefirstpatronofNotreDame，ringformatins，hehadgoneoutofreverencetothecathedral，wherealltheChapterweretobreakfastwiththeBishopofParis；uponwhichChiquonreplied：“Ishisreverencethecanonoutofhissensesthustodisporthimself，tocatchacold，togetrheumatism？Doeshewishtodie？I'lllightabigfiretowarmhimwhenhereturns；“andthegoodshepherdranintotheroomwherethecanongenerallysat，andtohisgreatastonishmentbeheldhimseatedinhischair。
“Ah，ah！Whatdidshemean，thatfoolofaBruyette？Iknewyouweretoowelladvisedtobeshiveringatthishourinyourstall。“
Thecanonsaidnotaword。Theshepherdwhowaslikeallthinkers，amanofhiddensense，wasquiteawarethatsometimesoldmenhavestrangecrotchets，conversewiththeessenceofoccultthings，andmumbletothemselvesdiscoursesconcerningmattersnotunderconsideration；sothat，fromreverenceandgreatrespectforthesecretmeditationsofthecanon，hewentandsatdownatadistance，andwaitedtheterminationofthesedreams；noticing，silentlythelengthofthegoodman'snails，whichlookedlikecobbler'sawls，andlookingattentivelyatthefeetofhisuncle，hewasastonishedtoseethefleshofhislegssocrimson，thatitreddenedhisbreechesandseemedallonfirethroughhishose。
Heisdead，thoughtChiquon。Atthismomentthedooroftheroomopened，andhestillsawthecanon，who，hisnosefrozen，camebackfromchurch。
“Ho，ho！”saidChiquon，“mydearUncle，areyououtofyoursenses？
Kindlytakenoticethatyououghtnottobeatthedoor，becauseyouarealreadyseatedinyourchairinthechimneycorner，andthatitisimpossiblefortheretobetwocanonslikeyouintheworld。“
“Ah！Chiquon，therewasatimewhenIcouldhavewishedtobeintwoplacesatonce，butsuchisnotthefateofaman，hewouldbetoohappy。Areyougettingdim-sighted？Iamalonehere。“
ThenChiquonturnedhisheadtowardsthechair，andfounditempty；
andmuchastonished，asyouwilleasilybelieve，heapproachedit，andfoundontheseatalittlepatofcinders，fromwhichascendedastrongodourofsulphur。
“Ah！”saidhemerrily，“Iperceivethatthedevilhasbehavedwelltowardsme——IwillprayGodforhim。“
Andthereuponherelatednaivelytothecanonhowthedevilhadamusedhimselfbyplayingatprovidence，andhadloyallyaidedhimtogetridofhiswickedcousins，thewhichthecanonadmiredmuch，andthoughtverygood，seeingthathehadplentyofgoodsenseleft，andoftenhadobservedthingswhichweretothedevil'sadvantage。Sothegoodoldpriestremarkedthat'asmuchgoodwasalwaysmetwithinevilasevilingood，andthatthereforeoneshouldnottroubletoomuchaftertheotherworld，thewhichwasagraveheresy，whichmanycouncilshaveputright'。
AndthiswashowtheChiquonsbecamerich，andwereableinthesetimes，bythefortunesoftheirancestors，tohelptobuildthebridgeofSt。Michael，wherethedevilcutsaverygoodfigureundertheangel，inmemoryofthisadventurenowconsignedtotheseveracioushistories。
THEMERRYJESTSOFKINGLOUISTHEELEVENTH
KingLouisTheEleventhwasamerryfellow，lovingagoodjoke，and——
theinterestsofhispositionasking，andthoseofthechurchononeside——helivedjovially，givingchasetosoileddovesasoftenastohares，andotherroyalgame。Therefore，thesorryscribblerswhohavemadehimoutahypocrite，showedplainlythattheyknewhimnot，sincehewasagoodfriend，goodatrepartee，andajollierfellowthananyofthem。
Itwashewhosaidwhenhewasinamerrymood，thatfourthingsareexcellentandopportuneinlife——tokeepwarm，todrinkcool，tostanduphard，andtoswallowsoft。Certainpersonshaveaccusedhimoftakingupwithadirtytrollops；thisisanotoriousfalsehood，sinceallhismistresses，ofwhomonewaslegitimised，cameofgoodhousesandhadnotableestablishments。Hedidnotgoinforwasteandextravagance，alwaysputhishanduponthesolid，andbecausecertaindevourersofthepeoplefoundnocrumbsathistable，theyhaveallmalignedhim。Buttherealcollectoroffactsknowthatthesaidkingwasacapitalfellowinprivatelife，andevenveryagreeable；andbeforecuttingofftheheadsofhisfriends，orpunishingthem——forhedidnotsparethem——itwasnecessarythattheyshouldhavegreatlyoffendedhim，andhisvengeancewasalwaysjustice；IhaveonlyseeninourfriendVervillethatthisworthysovereignevermadeamistake；
butonedoesnotmakeahabit，andevenforthishisbooncompanionTristanwasmoretoblamethanhe，theking。ThisisthecircumstancerelatedbythesaidVerville，andIsuspecthewascrackingajoke。I
reproduceitbecausecertainpeoplearenotfamiliarwiththeexquisiteworkofmyperfectcompatriot。Iabridgeitandonlygivethesubstance，thedetailsbeingmoreample，ofwhichfactsthesavansarenotignorant。
LouisXI。hadgiventheAbbeyofTurpenay(mentionedin'Imperia')toagentlemanwho，enjoyingtherevenue，hadcalledhimselfMonsieurdeTurpenay。IthappenedthatthekingbeingatPlessis-les-Tours，therealabbot，whowasamonk，cameandpresentedhimselfbeforetheking，andpresentedalsoapetition，remonstratingwithhimthat，canonicallyandamonastically，hewasentitledtotheabbeyandthattheusurpinggentlemanwrongedofhisright，andthereforehecalleduponhismajestytohavejusticedonetohim。Noddinghisperuke，thekingpromisedtorenderhimcontented。Thismonk，importunateasareallhoodedanimals，cameoftenattheendoftheking'smeals，who，boredwiththeholywateroftheconvent，calledfriendTristanandsaidtohim：“Oldfellow，thereishereaTurpenaywhoangersme，ridtheworldofhimforme。“Tristan，takingafrockforamonk，oramonkforafrock，cametothisgentleman，whomallthecourtcalledMonsieurdeTurpenay，andhavingaccostedhimmanagedtoleadhimtooneside，andtakinghimbythebutton-holegavehimtounderstandthatthekingdesiredheshoulddie。Hetriedtoresist，supplicatingandsupplicatingtoescape，butinnowaycouldheobtainahearing。
Hewasdelicatelystrangledbetweentheheadandshoulders，sothatheexpired；and，threehoursafterwards，Tristantoldthekingthathewasdischarged。Ithappenedfivedaysafterwards，whichisthespaceinwhichsoulscomebackagain，thatthemonkcameintotheroomwherethekingwas，andwhenhesawhimhewasmuchastonished。Tristanwaspresent：thekingcalledhim，andwhisperedintohisear——
“YouhavenotdonethatwhichItoldyouto。“
“SavingyourGraceIhavedoneit。Turpenayisdead。“
“Eh？Imeantthismonk。“
“Iunderstoodthegentleman！”
“What，isitdonethen？”
“Yes，sire，“
“Verywellthen“——turningtowardsthemonk——“comehere，monk。“Themonkapproached。Thekingsaidtohim，“Kneeldown！”Thepoormonkbegantoshiverinhisshoes。Butthekingsaidtohim，“ThankGodthathehasnotwilledthatyoushouldbekilledasIhadordered。Hewhotookyourestateshasbeeninstead。Godhasdoneyoujustice。GoandprayGodforme，anddon'tstiroutofyourconvent。“
Theprovesthegood-heartednessofLouisXI。Hemightverywellhavehangedthemonk，thecauseoftheerror。Asforthesaidgentleman，hediedintheking'sservice。
IntheearlydaysofhissojournatPlessis-les-TourskingLouis，notwishingtoholdhisdrinking-boutsandgiveventtohisrakishpropensitiesinhischateau，outofrespecttoherMajesty(akinglydelicacywhichhissuccessorshavenotpossessed)becameenamouredofaladynamedNicoleBeaupertuys，whowas，totellthetruth，wifeofacitizenofthetown。ThehusbandhesentintoPonent，andputthesaidNicoleinahousenearChardonneret，inthatpartwhichistheRueQuincangrogne，becauseitwasalonelyplace，farfromotherhabitations。Thehusbandandthewifewerethusbothinhisservice，andhehadbyLaBeaupertuysadaughter，whodiedanun。ThisNicolehadatongueassharpasapopinjay's，wasofstatelyproportions，furnishedwithlargebeautifulcushionsofnature，firmtothetouch，whiteasthewingsofanangel，andknownfortheresttobefertileinperipateticways，whichbroughtittopassthatneverwithherwasthesamethingencounteredtwiceinlove，sodeeplyhadshestudiedthesweetsolutionsofthescience，themannersofaccommodatingtheolivesofPoissy，theexpansionsofthenerves，andhiddendoctrinesofthebreviary，thewhichmuchdelightedtheking。Shewasasgayasalark，alwayslaughingandsinging，andnevermadeanyonemiserable，whichisthecharacteristicofwomenofthisopenandfreenature，whohavealwaysanoccupation——anequivocaloneifyoulike。Thekingoftenwentwiththehail-fellowshisfriendstothelady'shouse，andinordernottobeseenalwayswentatnight-time，andwithouthissuite。Butbeingalwaysdistrustful，andfearingsomesnare，hegavetoNicoleallthemostsavagedogshehadinhiskennels，beggarsthatwouldeatamanwithoutsaying“Byyourleave，“thewhichroyaldogsknewonlyNicoleandtheking。WhentheSirecameNicoleletthemlooseinthegarden，andthedoorofthehousebeingsufficientlybarredandcloselyshut，thekingputthekeysinhispocket，andinperfectsecuritygavehimselfup，withhissatellites，toeverykindofpleasure，fearingnobetrayal，jumpingaboutatwill，playingtricks，andgettingupgoodgames。UpontheseoccasionsfriendTristanwatchedtheneighbourhood，andanyonewhohadtakenawalkontheMallofChardonneretwouldberatherquicklyplacedinapositioninwhichitwouldhavebeeneasytogivethepassers-byabenedictionwithhisfeet，unlesshehadtheking'spass，sinceoftenwouldLouissendoutinsearchoflassesforhisfriends，orpeopletoentertainhimwiththeamusementssuggestedbyNicoleortheguests。PeopleofToursweretherefortheselittleamusements，towhomhegentlyrecommendedsilence，sothatnooneknewofthesepastimesuntilafterhisdeath。
Thefarceof“Baisezmoncul“was，itissaid，inventedbythesaidSire。Iwillrelateit，althoughitisnotthesubjectofthistale，becauseitshowsthenaturalcomicalityandhumourofthismerrymonarch。TheywereatToursthreewellknownmisers：thefirstwasMasterCornelius，whoissufficientlywellknown；thesecondwascalledPeccard，andsoldthegilt-work，colouredpapers，andjewelsusedinchurches；thethirdwashightMarchandeau，andwasaverywealthyvine-grower。ThesetwomenofTourainewerethefoundersofgoodfamilies，notwithstandingtheirsordidness。OneeveningthatthekingwaswithBeaupertuys，inagoodhumour，havingdrunkheartily，jokedheartily，andofferedearlyintheeveninghisprayerinMadame'soratory，hesaidtoLeDaimhiscrony，totheCardinal，LaBalue，andtooldDunois，whowerestillsoaking，“Letushaveagoodlaugh！Ithinkitwillbeagoodjoketoseemisersbeforeabagofgoldwithoutbeingabletotouchit。Hi，there！”
Hearingwhich，appearedoneofhisvarlets。
“Go，“saidhe，“seekmytreasurer，andlethimbringhithersixthousandgoldcrowns——andatonce！AndyouwillgoandseizethebodiesofmyfriendCornelius，ofthejewelleroftheRuedeCygnes，andofoldMarchandeau，andbringthemhere，byorderoftheking。“
Thenhebegantodrinkagain，andtojudiciouslywrangleastowhichwasthebetter，awomanwithagamyodourorawomanwhosoapedherselfwellallover；athinoneorastoutone；andasthecompanycomprisedtheflowerofwisdomitwasdecidedthatthebestwastheoneamanhadalltohimselflikeaplateofwarmmussels，atthatprecisemomentwhenGodsenthimagoodideatocommunicatetoher。
Thecardinalaskedwhichwasthemostpreciousthingtoalady；thefirstorthelastkiss？TowhichLaBeaupertuysreplied：“thatitwasthelast，seeingthatsheknewthenwhatshewaslosing，whileatthefirstshedidnotknowwhatshewouldgain。“Duringthesesayings，andotherswhichhavemostunfortunatelybeenlost，camethesixthousandgoldcrowns，whichwereworthallthreehundredthousandfrancsofto-day，somuchdowegoondecreasinginvalueeveryday。Thekingorderedthecrownstobearrangeduponatable，andwelllightedup，sothattheyshoneliketheeyesofthecompanywhichlitupinvoluntarily，andmadethemlaughinspiteofthemselves。Theydidnotwaitlongforthethreemisers，whomthevarletledin，paleandpanting，exceptCornelius，whoknewtheking'sstrangefreaks。
“Nowthen，myfriends，“saidLouistothem，“haveagoodlookatthecrownsonthetable。“
Andthethreetownsmennibbledatthemwiththeireyes。YoumayreckonthatthediamondofLaBeaupertuyssparkledlessthantheirlittleminnoweyes。
“Theseareyours，“addedtheking。
Thereupontheyceasedtoadmirethecrownstolookateachother；andtheguestsknewwellthatoldknavesaremoreexpertingrimacesthananyothers，becauseoftheirphysiognomiesbecomingtolerablycurious，likethoseofcatslappingupmilk，orgirlstitillatedwithmarriage。
“There，“saidtheking，“allthatshallbehiswhoshallsaythreetimestothetwoothers，'Baisezmoncul'，thrustinghishandintothegold；butifhebenotasseriousasaflywhohadviolatedhislady-
love，ifhesmilewhilerepeatingthejest，hewillpaytencrownstoMadame。Neverthelesshecanessaythreetimes。“
“Thatwillsoonbeearned，“saidCornelius，who，beingaDutchman，hadhislipsasoftencompressedandseriousasMadame'smouthwasoftenopenandlaughing。Thenhebravelyputhishandsonthecrownstoseeiftheyweregood，andclutchedthembravely，butashelookedattheotherstosaycivillytothem，“Baisezmoncul，“thetwomisers，distrustfulofhisDutchgravity，replied，“Certainly，sir，“asifhehadsneezed。Thewhichcausedallthecompanytolaugh，andevenCorneliushimself。Whenthevine-growerwenttotakethecrownshefeltsuchacommotioninhischeeksthathisoldscummerfaceletlittlelaughsexudefromitsporeslikesmokepouringoutofachimney，andhecouldsaynothing。Thenitwastheturnofthejeweller，whowasalittlebitofabanteringfellow，andwhoselipswereastightlysqueezedastheneckofahangedman。Heseizedahandfulofthecrowns，lookedattheothers，eventheking，andsaid，withajeeringair，“Baisezmoncul。“
“Isitdirty？”askedthevine-dresser。
“Lookandsee，“repliedthejeweller，gravely。
Thereuponthekingbegantotrembleforthesecrowns，sincethesaidPeccardbeganagain，withoutlaughing，andforthethirdtimewasabouttoutterthesacramentalword，whenLaBeaupertuysmadeasignofconsenttohismodestrequest，whichcausedhimtolosehiscountenance，andhismouthbrokeupintodimples。
“Howdidyoudoit？”askedDunois，“tokeepagravefacebeforesixthousandcrowns？”
“Oh，mylord，Ithoughtfirstofoneofmycaseswhichistriedtomorrow，andsecondly，ofmywifewhoisasorryplague。“
Thedesiretogainthisgoodroundsummadethemtryagain，andthekingamusedhimselfforaboutanhourattheexpressionofthesefaces，thepreparations，jokes，grimaces，andothermonkey'spaternostersthattheyperformed；buttheywerebailingtheirboatswithasieve，andformenwhopreferredclosingtheirfiststoopeningthemitwasabittersorrowtohavetocountout，eachone，ahundredcrowntoMadame。
Whentheyweregone，andNicolesaidboldlytotheking，“Sirewillyouletmetry？”
“HolyVirgin！”repliedLouis；“no！Icankissyouforlessmoney。“
Thatwassaidlikeathriftyman，whichindeedhealwayswas。
OneeveningthefatCardinalLaBaluecarriedongallantlywithwordsandactions，alittlefartherthanthecanonsoftheChurchpermittedhim，withthisBeaupertuys，wholuckilyforherself，wasacleverhussy，nottobeaskedwithimpunityhowmanyholestherewereinhermother'schemise。
“Lookyouhere，SirCardinal！”saidshe；“thethingwhichthekinglikesisnottoreceivetheholyoils。“
ThencameOliverleDaim，whomshewouldnotlistentoeither，andtowhosenonsenseshereplied，thatshewouldaskthekingifhewishedhertobeshaved。
Nowasthesaidshaverdidnotsupplicatehertokeephisproposalssecret，shesuspectedthattheselittleplotswererusespractisedbytheking，whosesuspicionshadperhapsbeenarousedbyherfriends。
Now，forbeingabletorevengeherselfuponLouis，sheatleastdeterminedtopayoutthesaidlords，tomakefoolsofthem，andamusethekingwiththetricksshewouldplayuponthem。Oneeveningthattheyhadcometosupper，shehadaladyofthecitywithher，whowishedtospeakwiththeking。Thisladywasaladyofposition，whowishedaskedthekingpardonforherhusband，thewhich，inconsequenceofthisadventure，sheobtained。NicoleBeaupertuyshavingledthekingasideforamomentintoanantechamber，toldhimtomaketheirguestsdrinkhardandeattorepletion；thathewastomakemerryandjokewiththem；butwhentheclothwasremoved，hewastopickquarrelswiththemabouttrifles，disputetheirwords，andbesharpwiththem；andthatshewouldthendiverthimbyturningtheminsideoutbeforehim。Butaboveallthings，hewastobefriendlytothesaidlady，anditwastoappearasgenuine，asifsheenjoyedtheperfumeofhisfavour，becauseshehadgallantlylentherselftothisgoodjoke。
“Well，gentlemen，“saidtheking，re-enteringtheroom，“letusfallto；wehavehadagoodday'ssport。“
Andthesurgeon，thecardinal，afatbishop，thecaptainoftheScotchGuard，aparliamentaryenvoy，andajudgelovedoftheking，followedthetwoladiesintotheroomwhereonerubstherustoffone'sjawbones。Andtheretheylinedthemoldoftheirdoublets。Whatisthat？
Itistopavethestomach，topracticethechemistryofnature，toregisterthevariousdishes，toregaleyourtripes，todigyourgravewithyourteeth，playwiththeswordofCain，tointersauces，tosupportacuckold。Butmorephilosophicallyitistomakeordurewithone'steeth。Now，doyouunderstand？Howmanywordsdoesitrequiretoburstopenthelidofyourunderstanding？
Thekingdidnotfailtodistillintohisgueststhissplendidandfirst-classsupper。Hestuffedthemwithgreenpeas，returningtothehotch-potch，praisingtheplums，commendingthefish，sayingtoone，“Whydoyounoteat？”toanother，“DrinktoMadame“；toallofthem，“Gentlemen，tastetheselobsters；putthisbottletodeath！Youdonotknowtheflavourofthisforcemeat。Andtheselampreys——ah！whatdoyousaytothem？AndbytheLord！ThefinestbarbeleverdrawnfromtheLoire！Juststickyourteethintothispastry。Thisgameismyownhunting；hewhotakesitnotoffendsme。“Andagain，“Drink，theking'seyesaretheotherway。Justgiveyouropinionofthesepreserves，theyareMadame'sown。Havesomeofthesegrapes，theyaremyowngrowing。Havesomemedlars。“Andwhileinducingthemtoswellouttheirabdominalprotuberances，thegoodmonarchlaughedwiththem，andtheyjokedanddisputed，andspat，andblewtheirnoses，andkickedupjustasthoughthekinghadnotbeenwiththem。Thensomuchvictualshadbeentakenonboard，somanyflagonsdrainedandstewsspoiled，thatthefacesoftheguestswerethecolourofcardinalsgowns，andtheirdoubletsappearedreadytoburst，sincetheywerecrammedwithmeatlikeTroyessausagesfromthetoptothebottomoftheirpaunches。Goingintothesaloonagain，theybrokeintoaprofusesweat，begantoblow，andtocursetheirgluttony。Thekingsatquietlyapart；eachofthemwasthemorewillingtobesilentbecausealltheirforceswererequiredfortheintestinaldigestionofthehugeplatefulsconfinedintheirstomachs，whichbegantowabbleandrumbleviolently。Onesaidtohimself，“Iwasstupidtoeatofthatsauce。“Anotherscoldedhimselfforhavingindulgedinaplateofeelscookedwithcapers。Anotherthoughttohimself，“Oh！oh！Theforcemeatisservingmeout。“Thecardinal，whowasthebiggestbelliedmanofthelot，snortedthroughhisnostrilslikeafrightenedhorse。Itwashewhowasfirstcompelledtogiveventtoaloudsoundingbelch，andthenhesoonwishedhimselfinGermany，wherethisisaformofsalutation，forthekinghearingthisgastriclanguagelookedatthecardinalwithknittedbrows。
“Whatdoesthismean？”saidhe，“amIasimpleclerk？”
Thiswasheardwithterror，becauseusuallythekingmademuchofagoodbelchwelloffthestomach。Theotherguestsdeterminedtogetridinanotherwayofthevapourswhichweredodgingaboutintheirpancreaticretorts；andatfirsttheyendeavouredtoholdthemforalittlewhileinthepleatsoftheirmesenteries。Itwasthenthatsomeofthempuffedandswelledliketax-gatherers。Beaupertuystookthegoodkingasideandsaidtohim——
“KnownowthatIhavehadmadebytheChurchjewellerPeccard，twolargedolls，exactlyresemblingthisladyandmyself。Nowwhenhard-
pressedbythedrugswhichIhaveputintheirgoblets，theydesiretomountthethronetowhichwearenowabouttopretendtogo，theywillalwaysfindtheplacetaken；bythismeansyouwillenjoytheirwrithings。“
Thushavingsaid，LaBeaupertuysdisappearedwiththeladytogoandturnthewheel，afterthecustomofwomen，andofwhichIwilltellyoutheorigininanotherplace。Andafteranhonestlapseofwater，Beaupertuyscamebackalone，leavingittobebelievedthatshehadlefttheladyatthelittlelaboratoryofnaturalalchemy。Thereupontheking，singlingoutthecardinal，madehimgetup，andtalkedwithhimseriouslyofhisaffairs，holdinghimbythetasselofhisamice。
Toallthatthekingsaid，LaBaluereplied，“Yes，sir，“tobedeliveredfromthisfavour，andslipoutoftheroom，sincethewaterwasinhiscellars，andhewasabouttolosethekeyofhisback-door。
Alltheguestswereinastateofnotknowinghowtoarresttheprogressofthefecalmattertowhichnaturehasgiven，evenmorethantowater，thepropertyoffindingacertainlevel。Theirsubstancesmodifiedthemselvesandglidedworkingdownward，likethoseinsectswhodemandtobeletoutoftheircocoons，raging，tormenting，andungratefultothehigherpowers；fornothingissoignorant，soinsolentasthosecursedobjects，andtheyareimportunatelikeallthingsdetainedtowhomoneowesliberty。Sotheyslippedateveryturnlikeeelsoutofanet，andeachonehadneedofgreateffortsandsciencenottodisgracehimselfbeforetheking。Louistookgreatpleasureininterrogatinghisguests，andwasmuchamusedwiththevicissitudesoftheirphysiognomies，onwhichwerereflectedthedirtygrimacesoftheirwrithings。ThecounsellorofjusticesaidtoOliver，“Iwouldgivemyofficetobebehindahedgeforhalfadozenseconds。“
“Oh，thereisnoenjoymenttoequalagoodstool；andnowIamnolongerastonishedatsempiternaldroppingsofafly，“repliedthesurgeon。
Thecardinalbelievingthattheladyhadobtainedherreceiptfromthebankofdeposit，leftthetasselsofhisgirdleintheking'shand，makingastartasifhehadforgottentosayhisprayers，andmadehiswaytowardsthedoor。
“Whatisthematterwithyou，MonsieurleCardinal？”saidtheking。
“Bymyhalidame，whatisthematterwithme？Itappearsthatallyouraffairsareveryextensive，sire！”
Thecardinalhadslippedout，leavingtheothersastonishedathiscunning。Heproceededgloriouslytowardsthelowerroom，looseningalittlethestringsofhispurse；butwhenheopenedtheblessedlittledoorhefoundtheladyatherfunctionsuponthethrone，likeapopeabouttobeconsecrated。Thenrestraininghisimpatience，hedescendedthestairstogointothegarden。However，onthelaststepsthebarkingofthedogsputhimingreatfearofbeingbitteninoneofhisprecioushemispheres；andnotknowingwheretodeliverhimselfofhischemicalproducehecamebackintotheroom，shiveringlikeamanwhohasbeenintheopenair！Theothersseeingthecardinalreturn，imaginedthathehademptiedhisnaturalreservoirs，unburdenedhisecclesiasticalbowels，andbelievedhimhappy。Thenthesurgeonrosequickly，asiftotakenoteofthetapestriesandcounttherafters，butgainedthedoorbeforeanyoneelse，andrelaxinghissphincterinadvance，hehummedatuneonhiswaytotheretreat；arrivedtherehewascompelled，likeLaBalue，tomurmurwordsofexcusetothisstudentofperpetualmotion，shuttingthedoorwithaspromptitudeasheopenedit；andhecamebackburdenedwithanaccumulationwhichseriouslyimpededhisprivatechannels。Andinthesamewaywenttoguestsoneaftertheother，withoutbeingabletounburdenthemselvesoftheirsauces，assoonagainfoundthemselvesallinthepresenceofLouistheEleventh，asmuchdistressedasbefore，lookingateachotherslyly，understandingeachotherbetterwiththeirtailsthantheyeverunderstoodwiththeirmouths，forthereisneveranyequivoqueinthetransactionsofthepartsofnature，andeverythingthereinisrationalandofeasycomprehension，seeingthatitisasciencewhichwelearnatourbirth。
“Ibelieve，“saidthecardinaltothesurgeon，“thatladywillgoonuntilto-morrow。WhatwasLaBeaupertuysabouttoasksuchacaseofdiarrhoeahere？”
“She'sbeenanhourworkingatwhatIcouldgetdoneinaminute。Maythefeverseizeher“criedOliverleDaim。
Allthecourtiersseizedwithcolicwerewalkingupanddowntomaketheirimportunatematterspatient，whenthesaidladyreappearedintheroom。Youcanbelievetheyfoundherbeautifulandgraceful，andwouldwillinglyhavekissedher，therewheretheysolongedtogo；andneverdidtheysalutethedaywithmorefavourthanthislady，theliberatorofthepoorunfortunatebodies。LaBaluerose；theothers，fromhonour，esteem，andreverenceofthechurch，gavewaytotheclergy，and，bidingtheirtime，theycontinuedtomakegrimaces，atwhichthekinglaughedtohimselfwithNicole，whoaidedhimtostoptherespirationoftheseloose-bowelledgentlemen。ThegoodScotchcaptain，whomorethanalltheothershadeatenofadishinwhichthecookhadputanaperientpowder，becamethevictimofmisplacedconfidence。Hewentashamedintoacorner，hopingthatbeforetheking，hismishapmightescapedetection。Atthismomentthecardinalreturnedhorriblyupset，becausehehadfoundLaBeaupertuysontheepiscopalseat。Now，inhistorments，notknowingifshewereintheroom，hecamebackandgaveventtoadiabolical“Oh！”onbeholdinghernearhismaster。
“Whatdoyoumean？”exclaimedtheking，lookingatthepriestinawaytogivehimthefever。
“Sire，“saidLaBalue，insolently，“theaffairsofpurgatoryareinmyministry，andIamboundtoinformyouthatthereissorcerygoingoninthishouse。“
“Ah！littlepriest，youwishtomakegameofme！”saidtheking。
Atthesewordsthecompanywereinaterriblestate。
“Soyoutreatmewithdisrespect？”saidtheking，whichmadethemturnpale。“Ho，there！Tristan，myfriend！”criedLouisXI。fromthewindow，whichhethrewupsuddenly，“comeuphere！”
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