McCOMAS(horrified)。Thewaiter!Stop，stop!Iwillnotpermitthis。I——
WAITER(presentinghimselfbetweenPhilipandMcComas)。Yes，sir。
(McComas'scomplexionfadesintostonegrey；andallmovementandexpressiondeserthiseyes。Hesitsdownstupefied。)
PHILIP。William:youremembermyrequesttoyoutoregardmeasyourson？
WAITER(withrespectfulindulgence)。Yes，sir。Anythingyouplease，sir。
PHILIP。William:attheveryoutsetofyourcareerasmyfather，arivalhasappearedonthescene。
WAITER。Yourrealfather，sir？Well，thatwastobeexpected，soonerorlater，sir，wasn'tit？(TurningwithahappysmiletoMcComas。)Isityou，sir？
McCOMAS(renervedbyindignation)。Certainlynot。Mychildrenknowhowtobehavethemselves。
PHILIP。No，William:thisgentlemanwasverynearlymyfather:hewooedmymother，butwooedherinvain。
McCOMAS(outraged)。Well，ofallthe——
PHILIP。Sh!Consequently，heisonlyoursolicitor。DoyouknowoneCrampton，ofthistown？
WAITER。Cock-eyedCrampton，sir，oftheCrookedBillet，isit？
PHILIP。Idon'tknow。Finch:doeshekeepapublichouse？
McCOMAS(risingscandalized)。No，no，no。Yourfather，sir，isawell-knownyachtbuilder，aneminentmanhere。
WAITER(impressed)。Oh，begpardon，sir，I'msure。AsonofMr。
Crampton's!Dearme!
PHILIP。Mr。Cramptoniscomingtolunchwithus。
WAITER(puzzled)。Yes，sir。(Diplomatically。)Don'tusuallylunchwithhisfamily，perhaps，sir？
PHILIP(impressively)。William:hedoesnotknowthatwearehisfamily。Hehasnotseenusforeighteenyears。Hewon'tknowus。(Toemphasizethecommunicationheseatshimselfontheirontablewithaspring，andlooksatthewaiterwithhislipscompressedandhislegsswinging。)
DOLLY。Wewantyoutobreakthenewstohim，William。
WAITER。ButIshouldthinkhe'dguesswhenheseesyourmother，miss。(Philip'slegsbecomemotionlessatthiselucidation。Hecontemplatesthewaiterraptly。)
DOLLY(dazzled)。Ineverthoughtofthat。
PHILIP。NorI。(ComingoffthetableandturningreproachfullyonMcComas。)Noryou。
DOLLY。Andyouasolicitor!
PHILIP。Finch:Yourprofessionalincompetenceisappalling。
William:yoursagacityputsusalltoshame。
DOLLYYoureallyarelikeShakespear，William。
WAITER。Notatall，sir。Don'tmentionit，miss。Mosthappy，I'msure，sir。(Goesbackmodestlytotheluncheontableandlaysthetwoadditionalcovers，oneattheendnextthesteps，andtheothersoastomakeathirdonthesidefurthestfromthebalustrade。)
PHILIP(abruptly)。Finch:comeandwashyourhands。(Seizeshisarmandleadshimtowardthehotel。)
McCOMAS。Iamthoroughlyvexedandhurt，Mr。Clandon——
PHILIP(interruptinghim)。Youwillgetusedtous。Come，Dolly。
(McComasshakeshimoffandmarchesintothehotel。Philipfollowswithunruffledcomposure。)
DOLLY(turningforamomentonthestepsasshefollowsthem)。Keepyourwitsaboutyou，William。Therewillbefire-works。
WAITER。Right，miss。Youmaydependonme，miss。(Shegoesintothehotel。)
(Valentinecomeslightlyupthestepsfromthebeach，followeddoggedlybyCrampton。Valentinecarriesawalkingstick。Crampton，eitherbecauseheisoldandchilly，orwithsomeideaofextenuatingtheunfashionablenessofhisreeferjacket，wearsalightovercoat。HestopsatthechairleftbyMcComasinthemiddleoftheterrace，andsteadieshimselfforamomentbyplacinghishandonthebackofit。)
CRAMPTON。Thosestepsmakemegiddy。(Hepasseshishandoverhisforehead。)Ihavenotgotoverthatinfernalgasyet。
(Hegoestotheironchair，sothathecanleanhiselbowsonthelittletabletoprophisheadashesits。Hesoonrecovers，andbeginstounbuttonhisovercoat。MeanwhileValentineinterviewsthewaiter。)
VALENTINE。Waiter!
WAITER(comingforwardbetweenthem)。Yes，sir。
VALENTINE。Mrs。LanfreyClandon。
WAITER(withasweetsmileofwelcome)。Yes，sir。We'reexpectingyou，sir。Thatisyourtable，sir。Mrs。Clandonwillbedownpresently，sir。Theyoungladyandyounggentlemanwerejusttalkingaboutyourfriend，sir。
VALENTINE。Indeed!
WAITER(smoothlymelodious)。Yes，sire。Greatflowofspirits，sir。Aveinofpleasantry，asyoumightsay，sir。(Quickly，toCrampton，whohasrisentogettheovercoatoff。)Begpardon，sir，butifyou'llallowme(helpinghimtogettheovercoatoffandtakingitfromhim)。Thankyou，sir。(Cramptonsitsdownagain；andthewaiterresumesthebrokenmelody。)Theyounggentleman'slatestisthatyou'rehisfather，sir。
CRAMPTON。What!
WAITER。Onlyhisjoke，sir，hisfavouritejoke。Yesterday，Iwastobehisfather。To-day，assoonasheknewyouwerecoming，sir，hetriedtoputituponmethatyouwerehisfather，hislonglostfather——
notseenyouforeighteenyears，hesaid。
CRAMPTON(startled)。Eighteenyears!
WAITER。Yes，sir。(Withgentlearchness。)ButIwasuptohistricks，sir。Isawtheideacomingintohisheadashestoodthere，thinkingwhatnewjokehe'dhavewithme。Yes，sir:that'sthesortheis:verypleasant，ve——ryoffhandandaffableindeed，sir。(AgainchanginghistempotosaytoValentine，whoisputtinghisstickdownagainstthecornerofthegardenseat)Ifyou'llallowme，sir？
(TakingValentine'sstick。)Thankyou，sir。(Valentinestrollsuptotheluncheontableandlooksatthemenu。ThewaiterturnstoCramptonandresumeshislay。)Eventhesolicitortookupthejoke，althoughhewasinamannerofspeakinginmyconfidenceabouttheyounggentleman，sir。Yes，sir，Iassureyou，sir。YouwouldneverimaginewhatrespectableprofessionalgentlemenfromLondonwilldoonanouting，whentheseaairtakesthem，sir。
CRAMPTON。Oh，there'sasolicitorwiththem，isthere？
WAITER。Thefamilysolicitor，sir——yes，sir。NameofMcComas，sir。
(Hegoestowardshotelentrancewithcoatandstick，happilyunconsciousofthebomblikeeffectthenamehasproducedonCrampton。)
CRAMPTON(risinginangryalarm)。McComas!(CallstoValentine。)
Valentine!(Again，fiercely。)Valentine!!(Valentineturns。)Thisisaplant，aconspiracy。Thisismyfamily——mychildren——myinfernalwife。
VALENTINE(coolly)。On，indeed!Interestingmeeting!(Heresumeshisstudyofthemenu。)
CRAMPTON。Meeting!Notforme。Letmeoutofthis。(Callingtothewaiter。)Givemethatcoat。
WAITER。Yes，sir。(Hecomesback，putsValentine'sstickcarefullydownagainsttheluncheontable；anddelicatelyshakesthecoatoutandholdsitforCramptontoputon。)Iseemtohavedonetheyounggentlemananinjustice，sir，haven'tI，sir。
CRAMPTON。Rrrh!(Hestopsonthepointofputtinghisarmsintothesleeves，andturnstoValentinewithsuddensuspicion。)Valentine:youareinthis。Youmadethisplot。You——
VALENTINE(decisively)。Bosh!(Hethrowsthemenudownandgoesroundthetabletolookoutunconcernedlyovertheparapet。)
CRAMPTON(angrily)。Whatd'ye——(McComas，followedbyPhilipandDolly，comesout。HevacillatesforamomentonseeingCrampton。)
WAITER(softly——interruptingCrampton)。Steady，sir。Heretheycome，sir。(Hetakesupthestickandmakesforthehotel，throwingthecoatacrosshisarm。McComasturnsthecornersofhismouthresolutelydownandcrossestoCrampton，whodrawsbackandglares，withhishandsbehindhim。McComas，withhisbrowopenerthanever，confrontshiminthemajestyofaspotlessconscience。)
WAITER(aside，ashepassesPhiliponhiswayout)。I'vebrokeittohim，sir。
PHILIP。InvaluableWilliam!(Hepassesontothetable。)
DOLLY(asidetothewaiter)。Howdidhetakeit？
WAITER(asidetoher)。Startledatfirst，miss；butresigned——veryresigned，indeed，miss。(Hetakesthestickandcoatintothehotel。)
McCOMAS(havingstaredCramptonoutofcountenance)。Sohereyouare，Mr。Crampton。
CRAMPTON。Yes，here——caughtinatrap——ameantrap。Arethosemychildren？
PHILIP(withdeadlypoliteness)。Isthisourfather，Mr。McComas？
McCOMAS。Yes——er——(Helosescountenancehimselfandstops。)
DOLLY(conventionally)。Pleasedtomeetyouagain。(Shewandersidlyroundthetable，exchangingasmileandawordofgreetingwithValentineontheway。)
PHILIP。Allowmetodischargemyfirstdutyashostbyorderingyourwine。(Hetakesthewinelistfromthetable。Hispoliteattention，andDolly'sunconcernedindifference，leaveCramptononthefootingofthecasualacquaintancepickedupthatmorningatthedentist's。Theconsciousnessofitgoesthroughthefatherwithsokeenapangthathetremblesallover；hisbrowbecomeswet；andhestaresdumblyathisson，who，justconsciousenoughofhisowncallousnesstointenselyenjoythehumorandadroitnessofit，proceedspleasantly。)Finch:somecrustedoldportforyou，asarespectablefamilysolicitor，eh？
McCOMAS(firmly)。Apollinarisonly。Iprefertotakenothingheating。(Hewalksawaytothesideoftheterrace，likeamanputtingtemptationbehindhim。)
PHILIP。Valentine——？
VALENTINE。WouldLagerbeconsideredvulgar？
PHILIP。Probably。We'llordersome。Dollytakesit。(TurningtoCramptonwithcheerfulpoliteness。)Andnow，Mr。Crampton，whatcanwedoforyou？
CRAMPTON。Whatd'yemean，boy？
PHILIP。Boy!(Verysolemnly。)WhosefaultisitthatIamaboy？
(Cramptonsnatchesthewinelistrudelyfromhimandirresolutelypretendstoreadit。Philipabandonsittohimwithperfectpoliteness。)
DOLLY(lookingoverCrampton'srightshoulder)。Thewhisky'sonthelastpagebutone。
CRAMPTON。Letmealone，child。
DOLLY。Child!No，no:youmaycallmeDollyifyoulike；butyoumustn'tcallmechild。(SheslipsherarmthroughPhilip's；andthetwostandlookingatCramptonasifheweresomeeccentricstranger。)
CRAMPTON(moppinghisbrowinrageandagony，andyetrelievedevenbytheirplayingwithhim)。McComas:weare——ha!——goingtohaveapleasantmeal。
McCOMAS(pusillanimously)。Thereisnoreasonwhyitshouldnotbepleasant。(Helooksabjectlygloomy。)
PHILIP。Finch'sfaceisafeastinitself。(Mrs。ClandonandGloriacomefromthehotel。Mrs。Clandonadvanceswithcourageousself-
possessionandmarkeddignityofmanner。ShestopsatthefootofthestepstoaddressValentine，whoisinherpath。Gloriaalsostops，lookingatCramptonwithacertainrepulsion。)
MRS。CLANDON。Gladtoseeyouagain，Mr。Valentine。(Hesmiles。
ShepassesonandconfrontsCrampton，intendingtoaddresshimwithperfectcomposure；buthisaspectshakesher。Shestopssuddenlyandsaysanxiously，withatouchofremorse。)Fergus:youaregreatlychanged。
CRAMPTON(grimly)。Idaresay。Amandoeschangeineighteenyears。
MRS。CLANDON(troubled)。I——Ididnotmeanthat。Ihopeyourhealthisgood。
CRAMPTON。Thankyou。No:it'snotmyhealth。It'smyhappiness:
that'sthechangeyoumeant，Ithink。(Breakingoutsuddenly。)Lookather，McComas!Lookather；andlookatme!(Heuttersahalflaugh，halfsob。)
PHILIP。Sh!(Pointingtothehotelentrance，wherethewaiterhasjustappeared。)OrderbeforeWilliam!
DOLLY(touchingCrampton'sarmwarninglywithherfinger)。
Ahem!(Thewaitergoestotheservicetableandbeckonstothekitchenentrance，whenceissueayoungwaiterwithsoupplates，andacook，inwhiteapronandcap，withthesouptureen。Theyoungwaiterremainsandserves:thecookgoesout，andreappearsfromtimetotimebringinginthecourses。Hecarves，butdoesnotserve。Thewaitercomestotheendoftheluncheontablenextthesteps。)
MRS。CLANDON(astheyallassembleaboutthetable)。Ithinkyouhaveallmetoneanotheralreadyto-day。Oh，no，excuseme。
(Introducing)Mr。Valentine:Mr。McComas。(Shegoestotheendofthetablenearestthehotel。)Fergus:willyoutaketheheadofthetable，please。
CRAMPTON。Ha!(Bitterly。)Theheadofthetable!
WAITER(holdingthechairforhimwithinoffensiveencouragement)。
Thisend，sir。(Cramptonsubmits，andtakeshisseat。)Thankyou，sir。
MRS。CLANDON。Mr。Valentine:willyoutakethatside(indicatingthesidenearesttheparapet)withGloria？(ValentineandGloriataketheirplaces，GlorianextCramptonandValentinenextMrs。Clandon。)Finch:I
mustputyouonthisside，betweenDollyandPhil。Youmustprotectyourselfasbestyoucan。(Thethreetaketheremainingsideofthetable，Dollynexthermother，Philnexthisfather，andMcComasbetweenthem。Soupisserved。)
WAITER(toCrampton)。Thickorclear，sir？
CRAMPTON(toMrs。Clandon)。Doesnobodyaskablessinginthishousehold？
PHILIP(interposingsmartly)。Letusfirstsettlewhatweareabouttoreceive。William!
WAITER。Yes，sir。(HeglidesswiftlyroundthetabletoPhil'sleftelbow。Onhiswayhewhisperstotheyoungwaiter)Thick。
PHILIP。TwosmallLagersforthechildrenasusual，William；andonelargeforthisgentleman(indicatingValentine)。LargeApollinarisforMr。McComas。
WAITER。Yes，sir。
DOLLY。HaveasixofIrishinit，Finch？
McCOMAS(scandalized)。No——no，thankyou。
PHILIP。Number413formymotherandMissGloriaasbefore；and——
(turningenquiringlytoCrampton)Eh？
CRAMPTON(scowlingandabouttoreplyoffensively)。I——
WAITER(strikinginmellifluously)。Allright，sir。WeknowwhatMr。Cramptonlikeshere，sir。(Hegoesintothehotel。)
PHILIP(lookinggravelyathisfather)。Youfrequentbars。Badhabit!(Thecook，accompaniedbyawaiterwithasupplyofhotplates，bringsinthefishfromthekitchentotheservicetable，andbeginsslicingit。)
CRAMPTON。Youhavelearntyourlessonfromyourmother，Isee。
MRS。CLANDON。Phil:willyoupleaserememberthatyourjokesareapttoirritatepeoplewhoarenotaccustomedtous，andthatyourfatherisourguestto-day。
CRAMPTON(bitterly)。Yes，aguestattheheadofmyowntable。(Thesoupplatesareremoved。)
DOLLY(sympathetically)。Yes:it'sembarrassing，isn'tit？It'sjustasbadforus，youknow。
PHILIP。Sh!Dolly:wearebothwantingintact。(ToCrampton。)Wemeanwell，Mr。Crampton；butwearenotyetstronginthefilialline。
(Thewaiterreturnsfromthehotelwiththedrinks。)William:comeandrestoregoodfeeling。
WAITER(cheerfully)。Yes，sir。Certainly，sir。SmallLagerforyou，sir。(ToCrampton。)SeltzerandIrish，sir。(ToMcComas。)
Apollinaris，sir。(ToDolly。)SmallLager，miss。(ToMrs。Clandon，pouringoutwine。)413，madam。(ToValentine。)LargeLagerforyou，sir。(ToGloria。)413，miss。
DOLLY(drinking)。Tothefamily!
PHILIP。(drinking)。HearthandHome!(Fishisserved。)
McCOMAS(withanobviouslyforcedattemptatcheerfuldomesticity)。
Wearegettingonverynicelyafterall。
DOLLY(critically)。Afterall!Afterallwhat，Finch？
CRAMPTON(sarcastically)。Hemeansthatyouaregettingonverynicelyinspiteofthepresenceofyourfather。DoItakeyourpointrightly，Mr。McComas？
McCOMAS(disconcerted)。No，no。Ionlysaid"afterall"toroundoffthesentence。I——er——er——er——
WAITER(tactfully)。Turbot，sir？
McCOMAS(intenselygratefulfortheinterruption)。Thankyou，waiter:thankyou。
WAITER(sottovoce)。Don'tmentionit，sir。(Hereturnstotheservicetable。)
CRAMPTON(toPhil)。Haveyouthoughtofchoosingaprofessionyet？
PHILIP。Iamkeepingmymindopenonthatsubject。William!
WAITER。Yes，sir。
PHILIP。Howlongdoyouthinkitwouldtakemetolearntobeareallysmartwaiter？
WAITER。Can'tbelearnt，sir。It'sinthecharacter，sir。
(ConfidentiallytoValentine，whoislookingaboutforsomething。)
Breadforthelady，sir？yes，sir。(HeservesbreadtoGloria，andresumesathisformerpitch。)Veryfewareborntoit，sir。
PHILIP。Youdon'thappentohavesuchathingasason，yourself，haveyou？
WAITER。Yes，sir:oh，yes，sir。(ToGloria，againdroppinghisvoice。)Alittlemorefish，miss？youwon'tcareforthejointinthemiddleoftheday。
GLORIA。No，thankyou。(Thefishplatesareremoved。)
DOLLY。Isyoursonawaiter，too，William？
WAITER(servingGloriawithfowl)。Oh，no，miss，he'stooimpetuous。
He'sattheBar。
McCOMAS(patronizingly)。Apotman，eh？
WAITER(withatouchofmelancholy，asifrecallingadisappointmentsoftenedbytime)。No，sir:theotherbar——yourprofession，sir。A
Q。C。，sir。
McCOMAS(embarrassed)。I'msureIbegyourpardon。
WAITER。Notatall，sir。Verynaturalmistake，I'msure，sir。I'veoftenwishedhewasapotman，sir。Wouldhavebeenoffmyhandseversomuchsooner，sir。(AsidetoValentine，whoisagainindifficulties。)
Saltatyourelbow，sir。(Resuming。)Yes，sir:hadtosupporthimuntilhewasthirty-seven，sir。Butdoingwellnow，sir:verysatisfactoryindeed，sir。Nothinglessthanfiftyguineas，sir。
McCOMAS。Democracy，Crampton!——moderndemocracy!
WAITER(calmly)。No，sir，notdemocracy:onlyeducation，sir。
Scholarships，sir。CambridgeLocal，sir。SidneySussexCollege，sir。
(Dollypluckshissleeveandwhispersashebendsdown。)Stoneginger，miss？Right，miss。(ToMcComas。)Verygoodthingforhim，sir:heneverhadanyturnforrealwork，sir。(Hegoesintothehotel，leavingthecompanysomewhatoverwhelmedbyhisson'seminence。)
VALENTINE。Whichofusdaregivethatmananorderagain!
DOLLY。Ihopehewon'tmindmysendinghimforginger-beer。
CRAMPTON(doggedly)。Whilehe'sawaiterit'shisbusinesstowait。
Ifyouhadtreatedhimasawaiteroughttobetreated，he'dhaveheldhistongue。
DOLLY。Whatalossthatwouldhavebeen!Perhapshe'llgiveusanintroductiontohissonandgetusintoLondonsociety。(Thewaiterreappearswiththeginger-beer。)
CRAMPTON(growlingcontemptuously)。Londonsociety!Londonsociety!!You'renotfitforanysociety，child。
DOLLY(losinghertemper)。Nowlookhere，Mr。Crampton。Ifyouthink——
WAITER(softly，atherelbow)。Stoneginger，miss。
DOLLY(takenaback，recovershergoodhumorafteralongbreathandsayssweetly)。Thankyou，dearWilliam。Youwerejustintime。(Shedrinks。)
McCOMAS(makingafreshefforttoleadtheconversationintodispassionateregions)。IfImaybeallowedtochangethesubject，MissClandon，whatistheestablishedreligioninMadeira？
GLORIA。IsupposethePortuguesereligion。Ineverinquired。
DOLLY。TheservantscomeinLentandkneeldownbeforeyouandconfessallthethingsthey'vedone:andyouhavetopretendtoforgivethem。DotheydothatinEngland，William？
WAITER。Notusually，miss。Theymayinsomeparts:butithasnotcomeundermynotice，miss。(CatchingMrs。Clandon'seyeastheyoungwaiteroffersherthesaladbowl。)Youlikeitwithoutdressing，ma'am:
yes，ma'am，Ihavesomeforyou。(Tohisyoungcolleague，motioninghimtoserveGloria。)Thisside，Jo。(HetakesaspecialportionofsaladfromtheservicetableandputsitbesideMrs。Clandon'splate。IndoingsoheobservesthatDollyismakingawryface。)Onlyabitofwatercress，miss，gotinbymistake。(Hetakeshersaladaway。)Thankyou，miss。(Totheyoungwaiter，admonishinghimtoserveDollyafresh。)Jo。(Resuming。)MostlymembersoftheChurchofEngland，miss。
DOLLY。MembersoftheChurchofEngland!What'sthesubscription？
CRAMPTON(risingviolentlyamidgeneralconsternation)。Youseehowmychildrenhavebeenbroughtup，McComas。Youseeit；youhearit。I
callallofyoutowitness——(Hebecomesinarticulate，andisabouttostrikehisfistrecklesslyonthetablewhenthewaiterconsideratelytakesawayhisplate。)
MRS。CLANDON(firmly)。Sitdown，Fergus。Thereisnooccasionatallforthisoutburst。YoumustrememberthatDollyisjustlikeaforeignerhere。Praysitdown。
CRAMPTON(subsidingunwillingly)。IdoubtwhetherIoughttosithereandcountenanceallthis。Idoubtit。
WAITER。Cheese，sir；orwouldyoulikeacoldsweet？
CRAMPTON(takeaback)。What？Oh!——cheese，cheese。
DOLLY。Bringaboxofcigarets，William。
WAITER。Allready，miss。(HetakesaboxofcigaretsfromtheservicetableandplacesthembeforeDolly，whoselectsoneandpreparestosmoke。Hethenreturnstohistableforaboxofvestas。)
CRAMPTON(staringaghastatDolly)。Doesshesmoke？
DOLLY(outofpatience)。Really，Mr。Crampton，I'mafraidI'mspoilingyourlunch。I'llgoandhavemycigaretonthebeach。(Sheleavesthetablewithpetulantsuddennessandgoesdownthesteps。Thewaiterattemptstogiveherthematches；butsheisgonebeforehecanreachher。)
CRAMPTON(furiously)。Margaret:callthatgirlback。Callherback，Isay。
McCOMAS(tryingtomakepeace)。Come，Crampton:nevermind。She'sherfather'sdaughter:that'sall。
MRS。CLANDON(withdeepresentment)。Ihopenot，Finch。(Sherises:
theyallrisealittle。)Mr。Valentine:willyouexcuseme:IamafraidDollyishurtandputoutbywhathaspassed。Imustgotoher。
CRAMPTON。Totakeherpartagainstme，youmean。
MRS。CLANDON(ignoringhim)。Gloria:willyoutakemyplacewhilstI
amaway，dear。(Shecrossestothesteps。Crampton'seyesfollowherwithbitterhatred。Therestwatchherinembarrassedsilence，feelingtheincidenttobeaverypainfulone。)
WAITER(interceptingheratthetopofthestepsandofferingheraboxofvestas)。Youngladyforgotthematches，ma'am。Ifyouwouldbesogood，ma'am。
MRS。CLANDON(surprisedintogratefulpolitenessbythewitcheryofhissweetandcheerfultones)。Thankyouverymuch。(Shetakesthematchesandgoesdowntothebeach。Thewaitershepherdshisassistantalongwithhimintothehotelbythekitchenentrance，leavingtheluncheonpartytothemselves。)
CRAMPTON(throwinghimselfbackinhischair)。There'samotherforyou，McComas!There'samotherforyou!
GLORIA(steadfastly)。Yes:agoodmother。
CRAMPTON。Andabadfather？That'swhatyoumean，eh？
VALENTINE(risingindignantlyandaddressingGloria)。MissClandon:
I——
CRAMPTON(turningonhim)。Thatgirl'snameisCrampton，Mr。
Valentine，notClandon。Doyouwishtojointhemininsultingme？
VALENTINE(ignoringhim)。I'moverwhelmed，MissClandon。It'sallmyfault:Ibroughthimhere:I'mresponsibleforhim。AndI'mashamedofhim。
CRAMPTON。Whatd'y'mean？
GLORIA(risingcoldly)。Noharmhasbeendone，Mr。Valentine。Wehaveallbeenalittlechildish，Iamafraid。Ourpartyhasbeenafailure:letusbreakitupandhavedonewithit。(Sheputsherchairasideandturnstothesteps，adding，withslightingcomposure，asshepassesCrampton。)Good-bye，father。
(Shedescendsthestepswithcold，disgustedindifference。Theyalllookafterher，andsodonotnoticethereturnofthewaiterfromthehotel，ladenwithCrampton'scoat，Valentine'sstick，acoupleofshawlsandparasols，awhitecanvasumbrella，andsomecampstools。)
CRAMPTON(tohimself，staringafterGloriawithaghastlyexpression)。Father!Father!!(Hestrikeshisfistviolentlyonthetable。)Now——
WAITER(offeringthecoat)。Thisisyours，sir，Ithink，sir。
(Cramptonglaresathim；thensnatchesitrudelyandcomesdowntheterracetowardsthegardenseat，strugglingwiththecoatinhisangryeffortstoputiton。McComasrisesandgoestohisassistance；thentakeshishatandumbrellafromthelittleirontable，andturnstowardsthesteps。Meanwhilethewaiter，afterthankingCramptonwithunruffledsweetnessfortakingthecoat，offerssomeofhisburdentoPhil。)Theladies'sunshades，sir。Nastyglareofftheseato-day，sir:verytryingtothecomplexion，sir。Ishallcarrydownthecampstoolsmyself，sir。
PHILIP。Youareold，FatherWilliam；butyouarethemostconsiderateofmen。No:keepthesunshadesandgivemethecampstools(takingthem)。
WAITER(withflatteringgratitude)。Thankyou，sir。
PHILIP。Finch:sharewithme(givinghimacouple)。Comealong。
(Theygodownthestepstogether。)
VALENTINE(tothewaiter)。Leavemesomethingtobringdown——oneofthese。(Offeringtotakeasunshade。)
WAITER(discreetly)。That'stheyoungerlady's，sir。(Valentineletsitgo。)Thankyou，sir。Ifyou'llallowme，sir，Ithinkyouhadbetterhavethis。(HeputsdownthesunshadesonCrampton'schair，andproducesfromthetailpocketofhisdresscoat，abookwithalady'shandkerchiefbetweentheleaves，markingthepage。)Theeldestyoungladyisreadingitatpresent。(Valentinetakesiteagerly。)Thankyou，sir。Schopenhauer，sir，yousee。(Hetakesupthesunshadesagain。)Veryinterestingauthor，sir:especiallyonthesubjectofladies，sir。(Hegoesdownthesteps。Valentine，abouttofollowhim，recollectsCramptonandchangeshismind。)
VALENTINE(comingratherexcitedlytoCrampton)。Nowlookhere，Crampton:areyouatallashamedofyourself？
CRAMPTON(pugnaciously)。Ashamedofmyself!Whatfor？
VALENTINE。Forbehavinglikeabear。Whatwillyourdaughterthinkofmeforhavingbroughtyouhere？
CRAMPTON。Iwasnotthinkingofwhatmydaughterwasthinkingofyou。
VALENTINE。No，youwerethinkingofyourself。You'reaperfectmaniac。
CRAMPTON(heartrent)。ShetoldyouwhatIam——afather——afatherrobbedofhischildren。Whataretheheartsofthisgenerationlike？
AmItocomehereafteralltheseyears——toseewhatmychildrenareforthefirsttime!toheartheirvoices!——andcarryitallofflikeafashionablevisitor；dropintolunch；beMr。Crampton——MisterCrampton!Whatrighthavetheytotalktomelikethat？I'mtheirfather:dotheydenythat？I'maman，withthefeelingsofourcommonhumanity:haveInorights，noclaims？InalltheseyearswhohaveI
hadroundme？Servants，clerks，businessacquaintances。I'vehadrespectfromthem——aye，kindness。Wouldoneofthemhavespokentomeasthatgirlspoke？——wouldoneofthemhavelaughedatmeasthatboywaslaughingatmeallthetime？(Frantically。)Myownchildren!
MisterCrampton!My——
VALENTINE。Come，come:they'reonlychildren。Theonlyoneofthemthat'sworthanythingcalledyoufather。
CRAMPTON(wildly)。Yes:"good-bye，father。"Oh，yes:shegotatmyfeelings——withastab!
VALENTINE(takingthisinverybadpart)。Nowlookhere，Crampton:
youjustletheralone:she'streatedyouverywell。Ihadamuchworsetimeofitatlunchthanyou。
CRAMPTON。You!
VALENTINE(withgrowingimpetuosity)。Yes:I。Isatnexttoher；
andIneversaidasinglethingtoherthewholetime——couldn'tthinkofablessedword。Andnotaworddidshesaytome。
CRAMPTON。Well？
VALENTINE。Well？Well？？？(Tacklinghimveryseriouslyandtalkingfasterandfaster。)Crampton:doyouknowwhat'sbeenthematterwithmeto-day？Youdon'tsuppose，doyou，thatI'minthehabitofplayingsuchtricksonmypatientsasIplayedonyou？
CRAMPTON。Ihopenot。
VALENTINE。TheexplanationisthatI'mstarkmad，orratherthatI'veneverbeeninmyrealsensesbefore。I'mcapableofanything:I'vegrownupatlast:I'maMan；andit'syourdaughterthat'smadeamanofme。
CRAMPTON(incredulously)。Areyouinlovewithmydaughter？
VALENTINE(hiswordsnowcominginaperfecttorrent)。Love!
Nonsense:it'ssomethingfaraboveandbeyondthat。It'slife，it'sfaith，it'sstrength，certainty，paradise——
CRAMPTON(interruptinghimwithacridcontempt)。Rubbish，man!Whathaveyoutokeepawifeon？Youcan'tmarryher。
VALENTINE。Whowantstomarryher？I'llkissherhands；I'llkneelatherfeet；I'llliveforher；I'lldieforher；andthat'llbeenoughforme。Lookatherbook!See!(Hekissesthehandkerchief。)Ifyouofferedmeallyourmoneyforthisexcuseforgoingdowntothebeachandspeakingtoheragain，I'donlylaughatyou。(Herushesbuoyantlyofftothesteps，wherehebouncesrightintothearmsofthewaiter，whoiscomingupformthebeach。Thetwosavethemselvesfromfallingbyclutchingoneanothertightlyroundthewaistandwhirlingoneanotheraround。)
WAITER(delicately)。Steady，sir，steady。
VALENTINE(shockedathisownviolence)。Ibegyourpardon。
WAITER。Notatall，sir，notatall。Verynatural，sir，I'msure，sir，atyourage。Theladyhassentmeforherbook，sir。MightItakethelibertyofaskingyoutoletherhaveitatonce，sir？
VALENTINE。Withpleasure。Andifyouwillallowmetopresentyouwithaprofessionalman'searningsforsixweeks——(offeringhimDolly'scrownpiece。)
WAITER(asifthesumwerebeyondhisutmostexpectations)。Thankyou，sir:muchobliged。(Valentinedashesdownthesteps。)Veryhigh-
spiritedyounggentleman，sir:verymanlyandstraightsetup。
CRAMPTON(ingrumblingdisparagement)。Andmakinghisfortuneinahurry，nodoubt。Iknowwhathissixweeks'earningscometo。(Hecrossestheterracetotheirontable，andsitsdown。)
WAITER(philosophically)。Well，sir，younevercantell。That'saprincipleinlifewithme，sir，ifyou'llexcusemyhavingsuchathing，sir。(Delicatelysinkingthephilosopherinthewaiterforamoment。)
Perhapsyouhaven'tnoticedthatyouhadn'ttouchedthatseltzerandIrish，sir，whenthepartybrokeup。(Hetakesthetumblerfromtheluncheontable，andsetsifbeforeCrampton。)Yes，sir，younevercantell。Therewasmyson，sir!whoeverthoughtthathewouldrisetowearasilkgown，sir？Andyetto-day，sir，nothinglessthanfiftyguineas，sir。Whatalesson，sir!
CRAMPTON。Well，Ihopeheisgratefultoyou，andrecognizeswhatheowesyou。
WAITER。Wegetontogetherverywell，verywellindeed，sir，consideringthedifferenceinourstations。(Withanotherofhisirresistibletransitions。)Asmalllumpofsugar，sir，willtaketheflatnessoutoftheseltzerwithoutnoticeablysweeteningthedrink，sir。Allowme，sir。(Hedropsalumpofsugarintothetumbler。)ButasIsaytohim，where'sthedifferenceafterall？IfImustputonadresscoattoshowwhatIam，sir，hemustputonawigandgowntoshowwhatheis。Ifmyincomeismostlytips，andthere'sapretencethatI
don'tgetthem，why，hisincomeismostlyfees，sir；andIunderstandthere'sapretencethathedon'tgetthem!Ifhelikessociety，andhisprofessionbringshimintocontactwithallranks，sodoesmine，too，sir。Ifit'salittleagainstabarristertohaveawaiterforhisfather，sir，it'salittleagainstawaitertohaveabarristerforason:manypeopleconsideritagreatliberty，sir，Iassureyou，sir。
CanIgetyouanythingelse，sir？
CRAMPTON。No，thankyou。(Withbitterhumility。)Isupposethat'snoobjectiontomysittinghereforawhile:Ican'tdisturbthepartyonthebeachhere。
WAITER(withemotion)。Verykindofyou，sir，toputitasifitwasnotacomplimentandanhonourtous，Mr。Crampton，verykindindeed。
Themoreyouareathomehere，sir，thebetterforus。
CRAMPTON(inpoignantirony)。Home!
WAITER(reflectively)。Well，yes，sir:that'sawayoflookingatit，too，sir。Ihavealwayssaidthatthegreatadvantageofahotelisthatit'sarefugefromhomelife，sir。
CRAMPTON。Imissedthatadvantageto-day，Ithink。
WAITER。Youdid，sir，youdid。Dearme!It'stheunexpectedthatalwayshappens，isn'tit？(Shakinghishead。)Younevercantell，sir:
younevercantell。(Hegoesintothehotel。)
CRAMPTON(hiseyesshininghardlyashepropshisdrawn，miserablefaceonhishands)。Home!Home!!(Hedropshisarmsonthetableandbowshisheadonthem，butpresentlyhearssomeoneapproachingandhastilysitsboltupright。ItisGloria，whohascomeupthestepsalone，withhersunshadeandherbookinherhands。Helooksdefiantlyather，withthebrutalobstinacyofhismouthandthewistfulnessofhiseyescontradictingeachotherpathetically。Shecomestothecornerofthegardenseatandstandswithherbacktoit，leaningagainsttheendofit，andlookingdownathimasifwonderingathisweakness:toocuriousabouthimtobecold，butsupremelyindifferenttotheirkinship。)Well？
GLORIA。Iwanttospeakwithyouforamoment。
CRAMPTON(lookingsteadilyather)。Indeed？That'ssurprising。Youmeetyourfatheraftereighteenyears；andyouactuallywanttospeaktohimforamoment!That'stouching:isn'tit？(Herestshisheadonhishands，andlooksdownandawayfromher，ingloomyreflection。)
GLORIA。Allthatiswhatseemstomesononsensical，souncalledfor。Whatdoyouexpectustofeelforyou——todoforyou？Whatisityouwant？Whyareyoulessciviltousthanotherpeopleare？Youareevidentlynotveryfondofus——whyshouldyoube？Butsurelywecanmeetwithoutquarrelling。
CRAMPTON(adreadfulgreyshadepassingoverhisface)。DoyourealizethatIamyourfather？
GLORIA。Perfectly。
CRAMPTON。Doyouknowwhatisduetomeasyourfather？
GLORIA。Forinstance——？
CRAMPTON(risingasiftocombatamonster)。Forinstance!Forinstance!!Forinstance，duty，affection，respect，obedience——
GLORIA(quittinghercarelessleaningattitudeandconfrontinghimpromptlyandproudly)。Iobeynothingbutmysenseofwhatisright。I
respectnothingthatisnotnoble。Thatismyduty。(Sheadds，lessfirmly)Astoaffection，itisnotwithinmycontrol。IamnotsurethatIquiteknowwhataffectionmeans。(Sheturnsawaywithanevidentdistasteforthatpartofthesubject，andgoestotheluncheontableforacomfortablechair，puttingdownherbookandsunshade。)
CRAMPTON(followingherwithhiseyes)。Doyoureallymeanwhatyouaresaying？
GLORIA(turningonhimquicklyandseverely)。Excuseme:thatisanuncivilquestion。Iamspeakingseriouslytoyou；andIexpectyoutotakemeseriously。(Shetakesoneoftheluncheonchairs；turnsitawayfromthetable；andsitsdownalittlewearily，saying)Canyounotdiscussthismattercoollyandrationally？
CRAMPTON。Coollyandrationally!No，Ican't。Doyouunderstandthat？Ican't。
GLORIA(emphatically)。No。ThatIcannotunderstand。Ihavenosympathywith——
CRAMPTON(shrinkingnervously)。Stop!Don'tsayanythingmoreyet；
youdon'tknowwhatyou'redoing。Doyouwanttodrivememad？(Shefrowns，findingsuchpetulanceintolerable。Headdshastily)No:I'mnotangry:indeedI'mnot。Wait，wait:givemealittletimetothink。
(Hestandsforamoment，screwingandclinchinghisbrowsandhandsinhisperplexity；thentakestheendchairfromtheluncheontableandsitsdownbesideher，saying，withatouchingefforttobegentleandpatient)Now，IthinkIhaveit。AtleastI'lltry。
GLORIA(firmly)。Yousee!Everythingcomesrightifweonlythinkitresolutelyout。
CRAMPTON(insuddendread)。No:don'tthink。Iwantyoutofeel:
that'stheonlythingthatcanhelpus。Listen!Doyou——butfirst——I
forgot。What'syourname？Imeanyoupetname。Theycan'tverywellcallyouSophronia。
GLORIA(withastonisheddisgust)。Sophronia!MynameisGloria。I
amalwayscalledbyit。
CRAMPTON(histemperrisingagain)。YournameisSophronia，girl:
youwerecalledafteryourauntSophronia，mysister:shegaveyouyourfirstBiblewithyournamewritteninit。
GLORIA。Thenmymothergavemeanewname。
CRAMPTON(angrily)。Shehadnorighttodoit。Iwillnotallowthis。
GLORIA。Youhadnorighttogivemeyoursister'sname。Idon'tknowher。
CRAMPTON。You'retalkingnonsense。ThereareboundstowhatIwillputupwith。Iwillnothaveit。Doyouhearthat？
GLORIA(risingwarningly)。Areyouresolvedtoquarrel？
CRAMPTON(terrified，pleading)。No，no:sitdown。Sitdown，won'tyou？(Shelooksathim，keepinghiminsuspense。Heforceshimselftouttertheobnoxiousname。)Gloria。(Shemarkshersatisfactionwithaslighttighteningofthelips，andsitsdown。)There!YouseeIonlywanttoshewyouthatIamyourfather，my——mydearchild。(Theendearmentissoplaintivelyineptthatshesmilesinspiteofherself，andresignsherselftoindulgehimalittle。)Listennow。WhatIwanttoaskyouisthis。Don'tyouremembermeatall？Youwereonlyatinychildwhenyouweretakenawayfromme；butyoutookplentyofnoticeofthings。Can'tyouremembersomeonewhomyouloved，or(shyly)atleastlikedinachildishway？Come!someonewholetyoustayinhisstudyandlookathistoyboats，asyouthoughtthem？(Helooksanxiouslyintoherfaceforsomeresponse，andcontinueslesshopefullyandmoreurgently)Someonewholetyoudoasyoulikedthereandneversaidawordtoyouexcepttotellyouthatyoumustsitstillandnotspeak？
Someonewhowassomethingthatnooneelsewastoyou——whowasyourfather。
GLORIA(unmoved)。Ifyoudescribethingstome，nodoubtIshallpresentlyimaginethatIrememberthem。ButIreallyremembernothing。
CRAMPTON(wistfully)。Hasyourmothernevertoldyouanythingaboutme？
GLORIA。Shehasnevermentionedyournametome。(Hegroansinvoluntarily。Shelooksathimrathercontemptuouslyandcontinues)
Exceptonce；andthenshedidremindmeofsomethingIhadforgotten。
CRAMPTON(lookinguphopefully)。Whatwasthat？
GLORIA(mercilessly)。Thewhipyouboughttobeatmewith。
CRAMPTON(gnashinghisteeth)。Oh!Tobringthatupagainstme!Toturnfromme!Whenyouneedneverhaveknown。(Underagrinding，agonizedbreath。)Curseher!
GLORIA(springingup)。Youwretch!(Withintenseemphasis。)Youwretch!!Youdarecursemymother!
CRAMPTON。Stop；oryou'llbesorryafterwards。I'myourfather。
GLORIA。HowIhatethename!HowIlovethenameofmother!Youhadbettergo。
CRAMPTON。I——I'mchoking。Youwanttokillme。Some——I——(Hisvoicestifles:heisalmostinafit。)
GLORIA(goinguptothebalustradewithcool，quickresourcefulness，andcallingovertothebeach)。Mr。Valentine!
VALENTINE(answeringfrombelow)。Yes。
GLORIA。Comehereamoment，please。Mr。Cramptonwantsyou。(Shereturnstothetableandpoursoutaglassofwater。)
CRAMPTON(recoveringhisspeech)。No:letmealone。Idon'twanthim。I'mallright，Itellyou。Ineedneitherhishelpnoryours。
(Herisesandpullshimselftogether。)Asyousay，Ihadbettergo。
(Heputsonhishat。)Isthatyourlastword？
GLORIA。Ihopeso。(Helooksstubbornlyatherforamoment；nodsgrimly，asifheagreedtothat；andgoesintothehotel。Shelooksathimwithequalsteadinessuntilhedisappears，whenshemakesagestureofrelief，andturnstospeaktoValentine，whocomesrunningupthesteps。)
VALENTINE(panting)。What'sthematter？(Lookinground。)Where'sCrampton？
GLORIA。Gone。(Valentine'sfacelightsupwithsuddenjoy，dread，andmischief。HehasjustrealizedthatheisalonewithGloria。Shecontinuesindifferently)Ithoughthewasill；butherecoveredhimself。Hewouldn'twaitforyou。Iamsorry。(Shegoesforherbookandparasol。)
VALENTINE。Somuchthebetter。Hegetsonmynervesafterawhile。
(Pretendingtoforgethimself。)Howcouldthatmanhavesobeautifuladaughter!
GLORIA(takenabackforamoment；thenansweringhimwithpolitebutintentionalcontempt)。Thatseemstobeanattemptatwhatiscalledaprettyspeech。Letmesayatonce，Mr。Valentine，thatprettyspeechesmakeverysicklyconversation。Prayletusbefriends，ifwearetobefriends，inasensibleandwholesomeway。Ihavenointentionofgettingmarried；andunlessyouarecontenttoacceptthatstateofthings，wehadmuchbetternotcultivateeachother'sacquaintance。
VALENTINE(cautiously)。Isee。MayIaskjustthisonequestion？
Isyourobjectionanobjectiontomarriageasaninstitution，ormerelyanobjectiontomarryingmepersonally？
GLORIA。Idonotknowyouwellenough，Mr。Valentine，tohaveanyopiniononthesubjectofyourpersonalmerits。(Sheturnsawayfromhimwithinfiniteindifference，andsitsdownwithherbookonthegardenseat。)Idonotthinktheconditionsofmarriageatpresentaresuchasanyself-respectingwomancanaccept。
VALENTINE(instantlychanginghistoneforoneofcordialsincerity，asifhefranklyacceptedhertermsandwasdelightedandreassuredbyherprinciples)。Oh，thenthat'sapointofsympathybetweenusalready。Iquiteagreewithyou:theconditionsaremostunfair。(Hetakesoffhishatandthrowsitgailyontheirontable。)
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