Inadentist'soperatingroomonafineAugustmorningin1896。NottheusualtinyLondonden，butthebestsittingroomofafurnishedlodginginaterraceontheseafrontatafashionablewateringplace。

Theoperatingchair，withagaspumpandcylinderbesideit，ishalfwaybetweenthecentreoftheroomandoneofthecorners。Ifyoulookintotheroomthroughthewindowwhichlightsit，youwillseethefireplaceinthemiddleofthewalloppositeyou，withthedoorbesideittoyourleft；anM。R。C。S。diplomainaframehungonthechimneypiece；aneasychaircoveredinblackleatheronthehearth；aneatstoolandbench，withvice，tools，andamortarandpestleinthecornertotheright。

Nearthisbenchstandsaslendermachinelikeawhipprovidedwithastand，apedal，andanexaggeratedwinch。Recognisingthisasadentaldrill，youshudderandlookawaytoyourleft，whereyoucanseeanotherwindow，underneathwhichstandsawritingtable，withablotterandadiaryonit，andachair。Nextthewritingtable，towardsthedoor，isaleathercoveredsofa。Theoppositewall，closeonyourright，isoccupiedmostlybyabookcase。Theoperatingchairisunderyournose，facingyou，withthecabinetofinstrumentshandytoitonyourleft。

Youobservethattheprofessionalfurnitureandapparatusarenew，andthatthewallpaper，designed，withthetasteofanundertaker，infestoonsandurns，thecarpetwithitssymmetricalplansofrich，cabbagynosegays，theglassgasalierwithlustres；theornamentalgiltrimmedbluecandlesticksontheendsofthemantelshelf，alsoglass-

drapedwithlustres，andtheormoluclockunderaglass-coverinthemiddlebetweenthem，itsuselessnessemphasizedbyacheapAmericanclockdisrespectfullyplacedbesideitandnowindicating12o'clocknoon，allcombinewiththeblackmarblewhichgivesthefireplacetheairofaminiaturefamilyvault，tosuggestearlyVictoriancommercialrespectability，beliefinmoney，Biblefetichism，fearofhellalwaysatwarwithfearofpoverty，instinctivehorrorofthepassionatecharacterofart，loveandRomanCatholicreligion，andallthefirstfruitsofplutocracyintheearlygenerationsoftheindustrialrevolution。

Thereisnoshadowofthisonthetwopersonswhoareoccupyingtheroomjustnow。Oneofthem，averyprettywomaninminiature，hertinyfiguredressedwiththedaintiestgaiety，isofalatergeneration，beinghardlyeighteenyet。Thisdarlinglittlecreatureclearlydoesnotbelongtotheroom，oreventothecountry；forhercomplexion，thoughverydelicate，hasbeenburntbiscuitcolorbysomewarmersunthanEngland's；andyetthereis，foraverysubtleobserver，alinkbetweenthem。Forshehasaglassofwaterinherhand，andarapidlyclearingcloudofSpartanobstinacyonhertinyfirmsetmouthandquaintlysquaredeyebrows。Iftheleastlineofconsciencecouldbetracedbetweenthoseeyebrows，anEvangelicalmightcherishsomefainthopeoffindingherasheepinwolf'sclothing-forherfrockisrecklesslypretty-butasthecloudvanishesitleavesherfrontalsinusassmoothlyfreefromconvictionofsinasakitten's。

Thedentist，contemplatingherwiththeself-satisfactionofasuccessfuloperator，isayoungmanofthirtyorthereabouts。Hedoesnotgivetheimpressionofbeingmuchofaworkman:hisprofessionalmannerevidentlystrikeshimasbeingajoke，andisunderlainbyathoughtlesspleasantrywhichbetraystheyounggentlemanstillunsettledandinsearchofamusingadventures，behindthenewlyset-updentistinsearchofpatients。Heisnotwithoutgravityofdemeanor；butthestrainednostrilsstampitasthegravityofthehumorist。Hiseyesareclear，alert，ofscepticallymoderatesize，andyetalittlerash；hisforeheadisanexcellentone，withplentyofroombehindit；hisnoseandchincavalierlyhandsome。Onthewhole，anattractive，noticeablebeginner，ofwhoseprospectsamanofbusinessmightformatolerablyfavorableestimate。

THEYOUNGLADY(handinghimtheglass)。Thankyou。(Inspiteofthebiscuitcomplexionshehasnottheslightestforeignaccent。)

THEDENTIST(puttingitdownontheledgeofhiscabinetofinstruments)。Thatwasmyfirsttooth。

THEYOUNGLADY(aghast)。Yourfirst!Doyoumeantosaythatyoubeganpractisingonme？

THEDENTIST。Everydentisthastobeginonsomebody。

THEYOUNGLADY。Yes:somebodyinahospital，notpeoplewhopay。

THEDENTIST(laughing)。Oh，thehospitaldoesn'tcount。Ionlymeantmyfirsttoothinprivatepractice。Whydidn'tyouletmegiveyougas？

THEYOUNGLADY。Becauseyousaiditwouldbefiveshillingsextra。

THEDENTIST(shocked)。Oh，don'tsaythat。ItmakesmefeelasifI

hadhurtyouforthesakeoffiveshillings。

THEYOUNGLADY(withcoolinsolence)。Well，soyouhave!(Shegetsup。)Whyshouldn'tyou？it'syourbusinesstohurtpeople。(Itamuseshimtobetreatedinthisfashion:hechucklessecretlyasheproceedstocleanandreplacehisinstruments。Sheshakesherdressintoorder；

looksinquisitivelyabouther；andgoestothewindow。)Youhaveagoodviewoftheseafromtheserooms!Aretheyexpensive？

THEDENTIST。Yes。

THEYOUNGLADY。Youdon'townthewholehouse，doyou？

THEDENTIST。No。

THEYOUNGLADY(takingthechairwhichstandsatthewriting-tableandlookingcriticallyatitasshespinsitroundononeleg。)Yourfurnitureisn'tquitethelatestthing，isit？

THEDENTIST。It'smylandlord's。

THEYOUNGLADY。DoesheownthatnicecomfortableBathchair？

(pointingtotheoperatingchair。)

THEDENTIST。No:Ihavethatonthehire-purchasesystem。

THEYOUNGLADY(disparagingly)。Ithoughtso。(Lookingaboutheragaininsearchoffurtherconclusions。)Isupposeyouhaven'tbeenherelong？

THEDENTIST。Sixweeks。Isthereanythingelseyouwouldliketoknow？

THEYOUNGLADY(thehintquitelostonher)。Anyfamily？

THEDENTIST。Iamnotmarried。

THEYOUNGLADY。Ofcoursenot:anybodycanseethat。Imeantsistersandmotherandthatsortofthing。

THEDENTIST。Notonthepremises。

THEYOUNGLADY。Hm!Ifyou'vebeenheresixweeks，andminewasyourfirsttooth，thepracticecan'tbeverylarge，canit？

THEDENTIST。Notasyet。(Heshutsthecabinet，havingtidiedupeverything。)

THEYOUNGLADY。Well，goodluck!(Shetakesourherpurse。)Fiveshillings，yousaiditwouldbe？

THEDENTIST。Fiveshillings。

THEYOUNGLADY(producingacrownpiece)。Doyouchargefiveshillingsforeverything？

THEDENTIST。Yes。

THEYOUNGLADY。Why？

THEDENTIST。It'smysystem。I'mwhat'scalledafiveshillingdentist。

THEYOUNGLADY。Hownice!Well，here!(holdingupthecrownpiece)anicenewfiveshillingpiece!yourfirstfee!Makeaholeinitwiththethingyoudrillpeople'steethwithandwearitonyourwatch-chain。

THEDENTIST。Thankyou。

THEPARLORMAID(appearingatthedoor)。Theyounglady'sbrother，sir。

Ahandsomemaninminiature，obviouslytheyounglady'stwin，comesineagerly。Hewearsasuitofterra-cottacashmere，theelegantlycutfrockcoatlinedinbrownsilk，andcarriesinhishandabrowntallhatandtanglovestomatch。Hehashissister'sdelicatebiscuitcomplexion，andisbuiltonthesamesmallscale；butheiselasticandstronginmuscle，decisiveinmovement，unexpectedlydeeptonedandtrenchantinspeech，andwithperfectmannersandafinishedpersonalstylewhichmightbeenviedbyamantwicehisage。Suavityandself-

possessionarepointsofhonorwithhim；andthoughthis，rightlyconsidered，isonlythemodernmodeofboyishself-consciousness，itseffectisnonethelessstaggeringtohiselders，andwouldbeinsufferableinalessprepossessingyouth。Heispromptitudeitself，andhasaquestionreadythemomentheenters。

THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN。AmIontime？

THEYOUNGLADY。No:it'sallover。

THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN。Didyouhowl？

THEYOUNGLADY。Oh，somethingawful。Mr。Valentine:thisismybrotherPhil。Phil:thisisMr。Valentine，ournewdentist。(ValentineandPhilbowtooneanother。Sheproceeds，allinonebreath。)He'sonlybeenheresixweeks；andhe'sabachelor。Thehouseisn'this；andthefurnitureisthelandlord's；buttheprofessionalplantishired。

Hegotmytoothoutbeautifullyatthefirstgo；andheandIaregreatfriends。

PHILIP。Beenaskingalotofquestions？

THEYOUNGLADY(asifincapableofdoingsuchathing)。Oh，no。

PHILIP。Gladtohearit。(ToValentine。)Sogoodofyounottomindus，Mr。Valentine。Thefactis，we'veneverbeeninEnglandbefore；andourmothertellsusthatthepeopleheresimplywon'tstandus。Comeandlunchwithus。(Valentine，bewilderedbytheleapsandboundswithwhichtheiracquaintanceshipisproceeding，gasps；buthehasnoopportunityofspeaking，astheconversationofthetwinsisswiftandcontinuous。)

THEYOUNGLADY。Oh，do，Mr。Valentine。

PHILIP。AttheMarineHotel-halfpastone。

THEYOUNGLADY。WeshallbeabletotellmammathatarespectableEnglishmanhaspromisedtolunchwithus。

PHILIP。Saynomore，Mr。Valentine:you'llcome。

VALENTINE。Saynomore!Ihaven'tsaidanything。MayIaskwhomI

havethepleasureofentertaining？It'sreallyquiteimpossibleformetolunchattheMarineHotelwithtwoperfectstrangers。

THEYOUNGLADY(flippantly)。Ooooh!whatbosh!Onepatientinsixweeks!Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyou？

PHILIP(maturely)。No，Dolly:myknowledgeofhumannatureconfirmsMr。Valentine'sjudgment。Heisright。LetmeintroduceMissDorothyClandon，commonlycalledDolly。(ValentinebowstoDolly。Shenodstohim。)I'mPhilipClandon。We'refromMadeira，butperfectlyrespectable，sofar。

VALENTINE。Clandon!Areyourelatedto——

DOLLY(unexpectedlycryingoutindespair)。Yes，weare。

VALENTINE(astonished)。Ibegyourpardon？

DOLLY。Oh，weare，weare。It'sallover，Phil:theyknowallaboutusinEngland。(ToValentine。)Oh，youcan'tthinkhowmaddeningitistoberelatedtoacelebratedperson，andneverbevaluedanywhereforourownsakes。

VALENTINE。Butexcuseme:thegentlemanIwasthinkingofisnotcelebrated。

DOLLY(staringathim)。Gentleman!(Philisalsopuzzled。)

VALENTINE。Yes。IwasgoingtoaskwhetheryouwerebyanychanceadaughterofMr。DensmoreClandonofNewburyHall。

DOLLY(vacantly)。No。

PHILIP。Wellcome，Dolly:howdoyouknowyou'renot？

DOLLY(cheered)。Oh，Iforgot。Ofcourse。PerhapsIam。

VALENTINE。Don'tyouknow？

PHILIP。Notintheleast。

DOLLY。It'sawisechild——

PHILIP(cuttinghershort)。Sh!(Valentinestartsnervously；forthesoundmadebyPhilip，thoughbutmomentary，islikecuttingasheetofsilkintwowithaflashoflightning。ItistheresultoflongpracticeincheckingDolly'sindiscretions。)Thefactis，Mr。

Valentine，wearethechildrenofthecelebratedMrs。LanfreyClandon，anauthoressofgreatrepute-inMadeira。Nohouseholdiscompletewithoutherworks。WecametoEnglandtogetawayfromthem。ThearecalledtheTwentiethCenturyTreatises。

DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyCooking。

PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyCreeds。

DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyClothing。

PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyConduct。

DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyChildren。

PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyParents。

DOLLY。Clothlimp，halfadollar。

PHILIP。Ormountedonlinenforhardfamilyuse，twodollars。Nofamilyshouldbewithoutthem。Readthem，Mr。Valentine:they'llimproveyourmind。

DOLLY。Butnottillwe'vegone，please。

PHILIP。Quiteso:wepreferpeoplewithunimprovedminds。Ourownmindsareinthatfreshandunspoiledcondition。

VALENTINE(dubiously)。Hm!

DOLLY(echoinghiminquiringly)。Hm？Phil:hepreferspeoplewhosemindsareimproved。

PHILIP。Inthatcaseweshallhavetointroducehimtotheothermemberofthefamily:theWomanoftheTwentiethCentury；oursisterGloria!

DOLLY(dithyrambically)。Nature'smasterpiece!

PHILIP。Learning'sdaughter!

DOLLY。Madeira'spride!

PHILIP。Beauty'sparagon!

DOLLY(suddenlydescendingtoprose)。Bosh!Nocomplexion。

VALENTINE(desperately)。MayIhaveaword？

PHILIP(politely)。Excuseus。Goahead。

DOLLY(verynicely)。Sosorry。

VALENTINE(attemptingtotakethempaternally)。Ireallymustgiveahinttoyouyoungpeople——

DOLLY(breakingoutagain)。Oh，come:Ilikethat。Howoldareyou？

PHILIP。Overthirty。

DOLLY。He'snot。

PHILIP(confidently)。Heis。

DOLLY(emphatically)。Twenty-seven。

PHILIP(imperturbably)。Thirty-three。

DOLLY。Stuff!

PHILIP(toValentine)。Iappealtoyou，Mr。Valentine。

VALENTINE(remonstrating)。Well，really——(resigninghimself。)

Thirty-one。

PHILIP(toDolly)。Youwerewrong。

DOLLY。Sowereyou。

PHILIP(suddenlyconscientious)。We'reforgettingourmanners，Dolly。

DOLLY(remorseful)。Yes，soweare。

PHILIP(apologetic)。Weinterruptedyou，Mr。Valentine。

DOLLY。Youweregoingtoimproveourminds，Ithink。

VALENTINE。Thefactis，your——

PHILIP(anticipatinghim)。Ourappearance？

DOLLY。Ourmanners？

VALENTINE(admisericordiam)。Oh，doletmespeak。

DOLLY。Theoldstory。Wetalktoomuch。

PHILIP。Wedo。Shutup，both。(Heseatshimselfonthearmoftheopposingchair。)

DOLLY。Mum!(Shesitsdowninthewriting-tablechair，andclosesherlipstightwiththetipsofherfingers。)

VALENTINE。Thankyou。(Hebringsthestoolfromthebenchinthecorner；placesitbetweenthem；andsitsdownwithajudicialair。Theyattendtohimwithextremegravity。HeaddresseshimselffirsttoDolly。)NowmayIask，tobeginwith，haveyoueverbeeninanEnglishseasideresortbefore？(Sheshakesherheadslowlyandsolemnly。HeturnstoPhil，whoshakeshisheadquicklyandexpressively。)Ithoughtso。Well，Mr。Clandon，ouracquaintancehasbeenshort；butithasbeenvoluble；andIhavegatheredenoughtoconvincemethatyouareneitherofyoucapableofconceivingwhatlifeinanEnglishseasideresortis。

Believeme，it'snotaquestionofmannersandappearance。InthoserespectsweenjoyafreedomunknowninMadeira。(Dollyshakesherheadvehemently。)Oh，yes，Iassureyou。LorddeCresci'ssisterbicyclesinknickerbockers；andtherector'swifeadvocatesdressreformandwearshygienicboots。(Dollyfurtivelylooksatherownshoe:Valentinecatchesherintheact，anddeftlyadds)No，that'snotthesortofbootImean。(Dolly'sshoevanishes。)Wedon'tbothermuchaboutdressandmannersinEngland，because，asanationwedon'tdresswellandwe'venomanners。But-andnowwillyouexcusemyfrankness？(Theynod。)Thankyou。Well，inaseasideresortthere'sonethingyoumusthavebeforeanybodycanaffordtobeseengoingaboutwithyou；andthat'safather，aliveordead。(Helooksatthemalternately，withemphasis。Theymeethisgazelikemartyrs。)AmItoinferthatyouhaveomittedthatindispensablepartofyoursocialequipment？(Theyconfirmhimbymelancholynods。)ThemI'msorrytosaythatifyouaregoingtostayhereforanylengthoftime，itwillbeimpossibleformetoacceptyourkindinvitationtolunch。(Heriseswithanairoffinality，andreplacesthestoolbythebench。)

PHILIP(risingwithgravepoliteness)。Come，Dolly。(Hegivesherhisarm。)

DOLLY。Goodmorning。(Theygotogethertothedoorwithperfectdignity。)

VALENTINE(overwhelmedwithremorse)。Oh，stop，stop。(Theyhaltandturn，arminarm。)Youmakemefeelaperfectbeast。

DOLLY。That'syourconscience:notus。

VALENTINE(energetically，throwingoffallpretenceofaprofessionalmanner)。Myconscience!Myconsciencehasbeenmyruin。Listentome。

TwicebeforeIhavesetupasarespectablemedicalpractitionerinvariouspartsofEngland。OnbothoccasionsIactedconscientiously，andtoldmypatientsthebrutetruthinsteadofwhattheywantedtobetold。Result，ruin。NowI'vesetupasadentist，afiveshillingdentist；andI'vedonewithconscienceforever。Thisismylastchance。

Ispentmylastsovereignonmovingin；andIhaven'tpaidashillingofrentyet。I'meatinganddrinkingoncredit；mylandlordisasrichasaJewandashardasnails；andI'vemadefiveshillingsinsixweeks。

IfIswervebyahair'sbreadthfromthestraightlineofthemostrigidrespectability，I'mdonefor。Undersuchacircumstance，isitfairtoaskmetolunchwithyouwhenyoudon'tknowyourownfather？

DOLLY。Afterall，ourgrandfatherisacanonofLincolnCathedral。

VALENTINE(likeacastawaymarinerwhoseesasailonthehorizon)。

What!Haveyouagrandfather？

DOLLY。Onlyone。

VALENTINE。Mydear，goodyoungfriends，whyonearthdidn'tyoutellmethatbefore？AcannonofLincoln!Thatmakesitallright，ofcourse。JustexcusemewhileIchangemycoat。(Hereachesthedoorinaboundandvanishes。DollyandPhilstareafterhim，andthenstareatoneanother。Missingtheiraudience，theydroopandbecomecommonplaceatonce。)

PHILIP(throwingawayDolly'sarmandcomingill-humoredlytowardstheoperatingchair)。Thatwretchedbankruptivorysnatchermakesacomplimentofallowingustostandhimalunch-probablythefirstsquaremealhehashadformonths。(Hegivesthechairakick，asifitwereValentine。)

DOLLY。It'stoobeastly。Iwon'tstanditanylonger，Phil。HereinEnglandeverybodyaskswhetheryouhaveafathertheveryfirstthing。

PHILIP。Iwon'tstanditeither。Mammamusttelluswhohewas。

DOLLY。Orwhoheis。Hemaybealive。

PHILIP。Ihopenot。Nomanaliveshallfatherme。

DOLLY。Hemighthavealotofmoney，though。

PHILIP。Idoubtit。Myknowledgeofhumannatureleadsmetobelievethatifhehadalotofmoneyhewouldn'thavegotridofhisaffectionatefamilysoeasily。Anyhow，let'slookatthebrightsideofthings。Dependonit，he'sdead。(Hegoestothehearthandstandswithhisbacktothefireplace，spreadinghimself。Theparlormaidappears。Thetwins，underobservation，instantlyshineoutagainwiththeirformerbrilliancy。)

THEPARLORMAID。Twoladiesforyou，miss。Yourmotherandsister，miss，Ithink。

Mrs。ClandonandGloriacomein。Mrs。Clandonisbetweenfortyandfifty，withaslighttendencytosoft，sedentaryfat，andafairremainderofgoodlooks，nonetheworsepreservedbecauseshehasevidentlyfollowedtheoldtribalmatronlyfashionofmakingnopretensioninthatdirectionafterhermarriage，andmightalmostbesuspectedofwearingacapathome。Shecarriesherselfartificiallywell，aswomenweretaughttodoasapartofgoodmannersbydancingmastersandrecliningboardsbeforetheseweresupersededbythemodernartisticcultofbeautyandhealth。Herhair，aflaxenhazelfadingintowhite，iscrimped，andpartedinthemiddlewiththeendsplaitedandmadeintoaknot，fromwhichobservantpeopleofacertainageinferthatMrs。Clandonhadsufficientindividualityandgoodtastetostandoutresolutelyagainstthenowforgottenchignoninhergirlhood。Inshort，sheisdistinctlyoldfashionedforherageindressandmanners。

Butshebelongstotheforefrontofherownperiod(say1860-80)inajealouslyassertiveattitudeofcharacterandintellect，andinbeingawomanofcultivatedinterestsratherthanpassionatelydevelopedpersonalaffections。Hervoiceandwaysareentirelykindlyandhumane；

andshelendsherselfconscientiouslytotheoccasionaldemonstrationsoffondnessbywhichherchildrenmarktheiresteemforher；butdisplaysofpersonalsentimentsecretlyembarrassher:passioninherishumanitarianratherthanhuman:shefeelsstronglyaboutsocialquestionsandprinciples，notaboutpersons。Only，oneobservesthatthisreasonablenessandintensepersonalprivacy，whichleavesherrelationswithGloriaandPhilmuchastheymightbebetweenherandthechildrenofanyotherwoman，breaksdowninthecaseofDolly。Thoughalmosteverywordsheaddressestoherisnecessarilyinthenatureofaremonstranceforsomebreachofdecorum，thetendernessinhervoiceisunmistakable；anditisnotsurprisingthatyearsofsuchremonstrancehaveleftDollyhopelesslyspoiled。

Gloria，whoishardlypasttwenty，isamuchmoreformidablepersonthanhermother。Sheistheincarnationofhaughtyhighmindedness，ragingwiththeimpatienceofanimpetuous，dominativecharacterparalyzedbytheimpotenceofheryouth，andunwillinglydisciplinedbytheconstantdangerofridiculefromherlighter-handedjuniors。Unlikehermother，sheisallpassion；andtheconflictofherpassionwithherobstinateprideandintensefastidiousnessresultsinafreezingcoldnessofmanner。Inanuglywomanallthiswouldberepulsive；butGloriaisanattractivewoman。Herdeepchestnuthair，olivebrownskin，longeyelashes，shadedgreyeyesthatoftenflashlikestars，delicatelyturnedfulllips，andcompactandsupple，butmuscularlyplumpfigureappealwithdisdainfulfranknesstothesensesandimagination。Averydangerousgirl，onewouldsay，ifthemoralpassionswerenotalsomarked，andevennoblymarked，inafinebrow。

Hertailor-madeskirt-and-jacketdressofsaffronbrowncloth，seemsconventionalwhenherbackisturned；butitdisplaysinfrontablouseofsea-greensilkwhichupsetsitsconventionalitywithonestroke，andsetsherapartaseffectuallyasthetwinsfromtheordinaryrunoffashionableseasidehumanity。

Mrs。Clandoncomesalittlewayintotheroom，lookingroundtoseewhoispresent。Gloria，whostudiouslyavoidsencouragingthetwinsbybetrayinganyinterestinthem，wanderstothewindowandlooksoutwithherthoughtsfaraway。Theparlormaid，insteadofwithdrawing，shutsthedoorandwaitsatit。

MRS。CLANDON。Well，children？Howisthetoothache，Dolly？

DOLLY。Cured，thankHeaven。I'vehaditout。(Shesitsdownonthestepoftheoperatingchair。Mrs。Clandontakesthewriting-tablechair。)

PHILIP(strikingingravelyfromthehearth)。Andthedentist，afirst-rateprofessionalmanofthehigheststanding，iscomingtolunchwithus。

MRS。CLANDON(lookingroundapprehensivelyattheservant)。Phil!

THEPARLORMAID。Begpardon，ma'am。I'mwaitingforMr。Valentine。

Ihaveamessageforhim。

DOLLY。Whofrom？

MRS。CLANDON(shocked)。Dolly!(Dollycatchesherlipswithherfingertips，suppressingalittlesplutterofmirth。)

THEPARLORMAID。Onlythelandlord，ma'am。

Valentine，inabluesergesuit，withastrawhatinhishand，comesbackinhighspirits，outofbreathwiththehastehehasmade。Gloriaturnsfromthewindowandstudieshimwithfreezingattention。

PHILIP。Letmeintroduceyou，Mr。Valentine。Mymother，Mrs。

LanfreyClandon。(Mrs。Clandonbows。Valentinebows，self-possessedandquiteequaltotheoccasion。)MysisterGloria。(Gloriabowswithcolddignityandsitsdownonthesofa。Valentinefallsinloveatfirstsightandismiserablyconfused。Hefingershishatnervously，andmakesherasneakingbow。)

MRS。CLANDON。Iunderstandthatwearetohavethepleasureofseeingyouatluncheonto-day，Mr。Valentine。

VALENTINE。Thankyou——er——ifyoudon'tmind——Imeanifyouwillbesokind——(totheparlormaidtestily)Whatisit？

THEPARLORMAID。Thelandlord，sir，wishestospeaktoyoubeforeyougoout。

VALENTINE。Oh，tellhimIhavefourpatientshere。(TheClandonslooksurprised，exceptPhil，whoisimperturbable。)Ifhewouldn'tmindwaitingjusttwominutes，I——I'llslipdownandseehimforamoment。

(Throwinghimselfconfidentiallyonhersenseoftheposition。)SayI'mbusy，butthatIwanttoseehim。

THEPARLORMAID(reassuringly)。Yes，sir。(Shegoes。)

MRS。CLANDON(onthepointofrising)。Wearedetainingyou，Iamafraid。

VALENTINE。Notatall，notatall。Yourpresenceherewillbethegreatesthelptome。Thefactis，Iowesixweek'srent；andI'vehadnopatientsuntilto-day。Myinterviewwithmylandlordwillbeconsiderablysmoothedbytheapparentboominmybusiness。

DOLLY(vexed)。Oh，howtiresomeofyoutoletitallout!Andwe'vejustbeenpretendingthatyouwerearespectableprofessionalmaninafirst-rateposition。

MRS。CLANDON(horrified)。Oh，Dolly，Dolly!Mydearest，howcanyoubesorude？(ToValentine。)Willyouexcusethesebarbarianchildrenofmine，Mr。Valentine？

VALENTINE。Thankyou，I'musedtothem。WoulditbetoomuchtoaskyoutowaitfiveminuteswhileIgetridofmylandlorddownstairs？

DOLLY。Don'tbelong。We'rehungry。

MRS。CLANDON(againremonstrating)。Dolly，dear!

VALENTINE(toDolly)。Allright。(ToMrs。Clandon。)Thankyou:I

shan'tbelong。(HestealsalookatGloriaasheturnstogo。Sheislookinggravelyathim。Hefallsintoconfusion。)I——er——er——yes——

thankyou(hesucceedsatlastinblunderinghimselfoutoftheroom；

buttheexhibitionisapitifulone)。

PHILIP。Didyouobserve？(PointingtoGloria。)Loveatfirstsight。Youcanaddhisscalptoyourcollection，Gloria。

MRS。CLANDON。Sh——sh，pray，Phil。Hemayhaveheardyou。

PHILIP。Nothe。(Bracinghimselfforascene。)Andnowlookhere，mamma。(Hetakesthestoolfromthebench；andseatshimselfmajesticallyinthemiddleoftheroom，takingaleafoutofValentine'sbook。Dolly，feelingthatherpositiononthestepoftheoperatingchairisunworthyofthedignityoftheoccasion，rises，lookingimportantanddetermined；crossestothewindow；andstandswithherbacktotheendofthewriting-table，herhandsbehindherandonthetable。Mrs。Clandonlooksatthem，wonderingwhatiscoming。Gloriabecomesattentive。Philipstraightenshisback；placeshisknucklessymmetricallyonhisknees；andopenshiscase。)DollyandIhavebeentalkingoverthingsagooddeallately；andIdon'tthink，judgingfrommyknowledgeofhumannature——wedon'tthinkthatyou(speakingverystaccato，withthewordsdetached)quiteappreciatethefact——

DOLLY(seatingherselfontheendofthetablewithaspring)。Thatwe'vegrownup。

MRS。CLANDON。Indeed？InwhatwayhaveIgivenyouanyreasontocomplain？

PHILIP。Well，therearecertainmattersuponwhichwearebeginningtofeelthatyoumighttakeusalittlemoreintoyourconfidence。

MRS。CLANDON(rising，withalltheplacidityofheragesuddenlybrokenup；andacurioushardexcitement，dignifiedbutdogged，ladylikebutimplacable——themanneroftheOldGuardoftheWomen'sRightsmovement——cominguponher)。Phil:takecare。RememberwhatIhavealwaystaughtyou。Therearetwosortsoffamilylife，Phil；andyourexperienceofhumannatureonlyextends，sofar，tooneofthem。

(Rhetorically。)Thesortyouknowisbasedonmutualrespect，onrecognitionoftherightofeverymemberofthehouseholdtoindependenceandprivacy(heremphasison"privacy"isintense)intheirpersonalconcerns。Andbecauseyouhavealwaysenjoyedthat，itseemssuchamatterofcoursetoyouthatyoudon'tvalueit。But(withbitingacrimony)thereisanothersortoffamilylife:alifeinwhichhusbandsopentheirwives'letters，andcallonthemtoaccountforeveryfarthingoftheirexpenditureandeverymomentoftheirtime；inwhichwomendothesametotheirchildren；inwhichnoroomisprivateandnohoursacred；inwhichduty，obedience，affection，home，moralityandreligionaredetestabletyrannies，andlifeisavulgarroundofpunishmentsandlies，coercionandrebellion，jealousy，suspicion，recrimination——Oh!Icannotdescribeittoyou:fortunatelyforyou，youknownothingaboutit。(Shesitsdown，panting。Gloriahaslistenedtoherwithflashingeyes，sharingallherindignation。)

DOLLY(inaccessibletorhetoric)。SeeTwentiethCenturyParents，chapteronLiberty，passim。

MRS。CLANDON(touchinghershoulderaffectionately，soothedevenbyagibefromher)。MydearDolly:ifyouonlyknewhowgladIamthatitisnothingbutajoketoyou，thoughitissuchbitterearnesttome。

(Moreresolutely，turningtoPhilip。)Phil，Ineveraskyouquestionsaboutyourprivateconcerns。Youarenotgoingtoquestionme，areyou？

PHILIP。Ithinkitduetoourselvestosaythatthequestionwewantedtoaskisasmuchourbusinessasyours。

DOLLY。Besides，itcan'tbegoodtokeepalotofquestionsbottledupinsideyou。Youdidit，mamma；butseehowawfullyit'sbrokenoutagaininme。

MRS。CLANDON。Iseeyouwanttoaskyourquestion。Askit。

DOLLYANDPHILIP(beginningsimultaneously)。Who——(Theystop。)

PHILIP。Nowlookhere，Dolly:amIgoingtoconductthisbusinessorareyou？

DOLLY。You。

PHILIP。Thenholdyourmouth。(Dollydoessoliterally。)Thequestionisasimpleone。Whentheivorysnatcher——

MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Phil!

PHILIP。Dentistisanuglyword。ThemanofivoryandgoldaskeduswhetherwewerethechildrenofMr。DensmoreClandonofNewburyHall。

InpursuanceofthepreceptsinyourtreatiseonTwentiethCenturyConduct，andyourrepeatedpersonalexhortationstoustocurtailthenumberofunnecessarylieswetell，werepliedtruthfullythewedidn'tknow。

DOLLY。Neitherdidwe。

PHILIP。Sh!Theresultwasthatthegumarchitectmadeconsiderabledifficultiesaboutacceptingourinvitationtolunch，althoughIdoubtifhehashadanythingbutteaandbreadandbutterforafortnightpast。Nowmyknowledgeofhumannatureleadsmetobelievethatwehadafather，andthatyouprobablyknowwhohewas。

MRS。CLANDON(heragitationreturning)。Stop，Phil。Yourfatherisnothingtoyou，nortome(vehemently)。Thatisenough。(Thetwinsaresilenced，butnotsatisfied。Theirfacesfall。ButGloria，whohasbeenfollowingthealtercationattentively，suddenlyintervenes。)

GLORIA(advancing)。Mother:wehavearighttoknow。

MRS。CLANDON(risingandfacingher)。Gloria!"We!"Whois"we"？

GLORIA(steadfastly)。Wethree。(Hertoneisunmistakable:sheispittingherstrengthagainsthermotherforthefirsttime。Thetwinsinstantlygoovertotheenemy。)

MRS。CLANDON(wounded)。Inyourmouth"we"usedtomeanyouandI，Gloria。

PHILIP(risingdecisivelyandputtingawaythestool)。We'rehurtingyou:let'sdropit。Wedidn'tthinkyou'dmind。Idon'twanttoknow。

DOLLY(comingoffthetable)。I'msureIdon't。Oh，don'tlooklikethat，mamma。(ShelooksangrilyatGloria。)

MRS。CLANDON(touchinghereyeshastilywithherhandkerchiefandsittingdownagain)。Thankyou，mydear。Thanks，Phil。

GLORIA(inexorably)。Wehavearighttoknow，mother。

MRS。CLANDON(indignantly)。Ah!Youinsist。

GLORIA。Doyouintendthatweshallneverknow？

DOLLY。Oh，Gloria，don't。It'sbarbarous。

GLORIA(withquietscorn)。Whatistheuseofbeingweak？Youseewhathashappenedwiththisgentlemanhere，mother。Thesamethinghashappenedtome。

MRS。CLANDON}(all{Whatdoyoumean？

DOLLY}together)。{Oh，tellus。

PHILIP}{Whathappenedtoyou？

GLORIA。Oh，nothingofanyconsequence。(Sheturnsawayfromthemandgoesuptotheeasychairatthefireplace，whereshesitsdown，almostwithherbacktothem。Astheywaitexpectantly，sheadds，overhershoulder，withstudiedindifference。)Onboardthesteamerthefirstofficerdidmethehonortoproposetome。

DOLLY。No，itwastome。

MRS。CLANDON。Thefirstofficer!Areyouserious，Gloria？Whatdidyousaytohim？(correctingherself)Excuseme:Ihavenorighttoaskthat。

GLORIA。Theanswerisprettyobvious。Awomanwhodoesnotknowwhoherfatherwascannotacceptsuchanoffer。

MRS。CLANDON。Surelyyoudidnotwanttoacceptit？

GLORIA(turningalittleandraisinghervoice)。No；butsupposeI

hadwantedto!

PHILIP。Didthatdifficultystrikeyou，Dolly？

DOLLY。No，Iacceptedhim。

GLORIA}(allcrying{Acceptedhim!

MRS。CLANDON}out{Dolly!

PHILIP}together){Oh，Isay!

DOLLY(naively)。Hedidlooksuchafool!

MRS。CLANDON。Butwhydidyoudosuchathing，Dolly？

DOLLY。Forfun，Isuppose。Hehadtomeasuremyfingerforaring。

You'dhavedonethesamethingyourself。

MRS。CLANDON。No，Dolly，Iwouldnot。Asamatteroffactthefirstofficerdidproposetome；andItoldhimtokeepthatsortofthingforwomenwereyoungenoughtobeamusedbyit。Heappearstohaveactedonmyadvice。(Sherisesandgoestothehearth。)Gloria:Iamsorryyouthinkmeweak；butIcannottellyouwhatyouwant。Youarealltooyoung。

PHILIP。ThisisratherastartlingdeparturefromTwentiethCenturyprinciples。

DOLLY(quoting)。"Answerallyourchildren'squestions，andanswerthemtruthfully，assoonastheyareoldenoughtoaskthem。"SeeTwentiethCenturyMotherhood——

PHILIP。Pageone——

DOLLY。Chapterone——

PHILIP。Sentenceone。

MRS。CLANDON。Mydears:Ididnotsaythatyouweretooyoungtoknow。Isaidyouweretooyoungtobetakenintomyconfidence。Youareverybrightchildren，allofyou；butIamgladforyoursakesthatyouarestillveryinexperiencedandconsequentlyveryunsympathetic。

TherearesomeexperiencesofminethatIcannotbeartospeakofexcepttothosewhohavegonethroughwhatIhavegonethrough。Ihopeyouwillneverbequalifiedforsuchconfidences。ButIwilltakecarethatyoushalllearnallyouwanttoknow。Willthatsatisfyyou？

PHILIP。Anothergrievance，Dolly。

DOLLY。We'renotsympathetic。

GLORIA(leaningforwardinherchairandlookingearnestlyupathermother)。Mother:Ididnotmeantobeunsympathetic。

MRS。CLANDON(affectionately)。Ofcoursenot，dear。DoyouthinkI

don'tunderstand？

GLORIA(rising)。But，mother——

MRS。CLANDON(drawingbackalittle)。Yes？

GLORIA(obstinately)。Itisnonsensetotellusthatourfatherisnothingtous。

MRS。CLANDON(provokedtosuddenresolution)。Doyourememberyourfather？

GLORIA(meditatively，asiftherecollectionwereatenderone)。I

amnotquitesure。Ithinkso。

MRS。CLANDON(grimly)。Youarenotsure？

GLORIA。No。

MRS。CLANDON(withquietforce)。Gloria:ifIhadeverstruckyou——

(Gloriarecoils:PhilipandDollyaredisagreeablyshocked；allthreestartather，revoltedasshecontinues)——struckyoupurposely，deliberately，withtheintentionofhurtingyou，withawhipboughtforthepurpose!Wouldyourememberthat，doyouthink？(Gloriauttersanexclamationofindignantrepulsion。)Thatwouldhavebeenyourlastrecollectionofyourfather，Gloria，ifIhadnottakenyouawayfromhim。Ihavekepthimoutofyourlife:keephimnowoutofminebynevermentioninghimtomeagain。(Gloria，withashudder，coversherfacewithherhands，until，hearingsomeoneatthedoor，sheturnsawayandpretendstooccupyherselflookingatthenamesofthebooksinthebookcase。Mrs。Clandonsitsdownonthesofa。Valentinereturns。)。

VALENTINE。IhopeI'venotkeptyouwaiting。Thatlandlordofmineisreallyanextraordinaryoldcharacter。

DOLLY(eagerly)。Oh，tellus。Howlonghashegivenyoutopay？

MRS。CLANDON(distractedbyherchild'sbadmanners)。Dolly，Dolly，Dollydear!Youmustnotaskquestions。

DOLLY(demurely)。Sosorry。You'lltellus，won'tyou，Mr。

Valentine？

VALENTINE。Hedoesn'twanthisrentatall。He'sbrokenhistoothonaBrazilnut；andhewantsmetolookatitandtolunchwithhimafterwards。

DOLLY。Thenhavehimupandpullhistoothoutatonce；andwe'llbringhimtolunch，too。Tellthemaidtofetchhimalong。(Sherunstothebellandringsitvigorously。Then，withasuddendoubtsheturnstoValentineandadds)Isupposehe'srespectable——reallyrespectable。

VALENTINE。Perfectly。Notlikeme。

DOLLY。HonestInjun？(Mrs。Clandongaspsfaintly；butherpowersofremonstranceareexhausted。)

VALENTINE。HonestInjun!

DOLLY。Thenoffwithyouandbringhimup。

VALENTINE(lookingdubiouslyatMrs。Clandon)。Idaresayhe'dbedelightedif——er——？

MRS。CLANDON(risingandlookingatherwatch)。Ishallbehappytoseeyourfriendatlunch，ifyoucanpersuadehimtocome；butIcan'twaittoseehimnow:IhaveanappointmentatthehotelataquartertoonewithanoldfriendwhomIhavenotseensinceIleftEnglandeighteenyearsago。Willyouexcuseme？

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